hawkedup

If you can! And to make things a bit easier on you, only the Z POV chapters are part of the official manuscript anymore so if you wanted to give the others a pass that will be OK

Exactly that! I don't know at this point, honestly. The significance is mentioned in the POV chapters I submitted before that have now been cut from the manuscript, but Z wouldn't know what it meant so I haven't mentioned it in her POVs. It's explained almost immediately in the second half of this chapter, but I'm not sure how much foreshadowing I should do at this point.

I have no idea how to critique something like this (I learned all my music theory playing Motley Crue songs on Rocksmith) and the few things I came up with have already been covered multiple times, but I really, really like how the song feels like it's coming together as it goes, like a real relationship. I don't know if this was intentional (though after reading the comments above I suspect it was), but it's something that stood out to me. When I first read the lyrics the Minor in Poetry in me had some critiques about flow and rhyme scheme, but when I heard the words with the music, everything I had went up in smoke. Sorry, not very helpful, but I did want to get a couple words in! Thank you very much for sharing.

I'll take a spot! I'm hoping to have last week's submission revised and the chapter finished by tonight.

This was supposed to come across as her fighting back the attack by trying to keep a level head. I'll try to make it more concise or clearer. The meat is the attack and if the tension is drained by then, I definitely did something wrong. Thanks for the note! Good point. I was going for the subversion but now I see I didn't build up expectation to the coalescence enough for there to be anything to subvert. That's so real. Can I steal it? lol (Not that there are shopping carts in this world.) Awesome, thanks! I asked for the help of a badass cool guy engineer who said yes so hopefully this won't be an issue in the final draft. Think I can squeeze in a line to show that M realizes it is too harsh to undercut the tripping up aspect of the moment? Yes, good point. In that situation I would think the brakes would have been squealing as it passed them. I appreciate you trying to find the logic in the logistics here, but... no. It's simply my lack of train knowledge. The train doesn't hit the breaks until after the coalescence flash. Thanks for reading, guys! I was thinking, at the worst moments of the attack, actually showing that Z loses language ability. Some ideas I had were jumbling up words, using the wrong words, and messing with punctuation. Just for like one "sentence" right before her mom steps in. What do you think?

So the others did a really good job of covering most everything I had in my line by line, so I'm going to indulge a bit in some prescription and focus a bit on WHY I think certain aspects aren't working, specifically the tension in this chapter and the lead up to it. (Keep in mind I, like most Sanderson readers, am big on harder magic systems, and this critique is influenced by that.) I covered last time how I felt like we kept covering the same ground. Up until this point we've been kinda grasping at straws about what's going on. Lots and lots of speculation and different theories, trying to figure out what is going on. Which is fine for a while. That can work and it does during multiple parts of the story (though I still hold that some of these scenes can be combined so you don't have to keep returning to the same places etc). But by the time this chapter begins, I think time for speculation has past. We and the characters should have a clear grasp on the important aspects of the situation. We should understand the M's motivations. Understand how possession works. Understand how the mannequins move. Understand WHY mannequins (human shaped things are easier to possess maybe). They should also have a clear plan as to how to exorcise these ghosts. Now, this isn't to say that all of this information has to be correct. In fact, at this point in the book I'd fully expect some of this information to be flat out wrong (especially bad guy motivation). But learning that they are wrong about something is a scene in and of itself. The tension of this chapter would be much higher if the characters came across as more proactive, with a clear cut plan and understanding of their situation. Especially writing toward middle readers. In my experience, children who read a lot like it when they have a good grasp of what is going on from page to page. The tension leading up to the encounter with the mannequins is good, especially the song and when the song stops that's a great moment, but it's often interrupted by narrative questions that should have been answered previously. This also presents an opportunity for you. Right now most of the story feels like one thing going wrong after another so when something does go wrong it doesn't have much impact. This way, when something goes wrong, it can be a major tension building plot point. I agree with the others about A. He should have a clear role in the group by now. I don't understand why he keeps getting arbitrarily pushed to the background. I like the budding romantic interest. The actual fight scene is well placed and with a little tightening can be good. I think the narrator's voice is really coming together. They have some good lines and good emotion. I do, however, think they need more personality traits than "non-binary". Even something like, they might not be as experienced as their mom, but they know everything there is to know about... I don't know... baseball cards, or something. Does that make sense? It doesn't even have to be related to antiquing. Just some small things that can help round out the character and give us something to relate to.

I feel you. I always think back to Warbreaker and how Brandon posted all the different drafts he did and how in the earliest drafts he would literally cut out a character or combine two characters or suddenly there was a new plot point that was never mentioned before without any sort of explanation. But in the final draft it was all ironed out as if those earlier drafts never happened, and this makes me feel better about my own drafting process.

Z, M and R have learned a troubling secret and are on their way to see the God King. On the way, they are attacked by a demon and saved by Z's mother, who vanished a year ago. After a shaky reunion, they take shelter in an underground railroad tunnel. Everyone has a soul lantern. Usually during puberty, the soul lantern coalesces. It takes a physical form, a representation of the person's personality. The secret Z, M and R learn is that soul lanterns are tied to some sort of virus that essentially cuts a person's lifespan in half. This is only the first half of the chapter, but I think there's a lot to unpack. I'm particularly interested to hear what you think about THAT part. You'll know what I mean when you get there. ------------------- PS - I know I'm late on critiques, and I'm sorry. I have READ everything from last week, but what with the funeral and all, I had to do all my reading on my phone while traveling in the car, and I'm sure I don't have to tell all of you how difficult it is to properly comment and critique while reading that way. Life has thankfully regained some semblance of normalcy, though! Thank you for being patient and for continuing to read/critique my stuff!

How close are we to the end? Most middle grade are between 20k-50k words and this is about 20k if I'm not mistaken. I actually felt the pacing in these chapters was the best so far. Things were moving. It felt like middle grade should feel. I'm ignoring that some things happened that felt like they came out of the blue and weren't properly explained (the others mentioned these already) because you said you had been reworking some of the stuff we had already read. My biggest issue up to this point is that I feel like we keep covering the same ground (literally in some cases since we keep going back to the same locations). There really isn't anything here that couldn't have been revealed a few chapters ago, except for maybe the sword which I can see holding back. At this point in the story, I feel like we should actively be moving toward a conclusion. But everything feels so up in the air still. We should have most if not all of the knowledge we need by now and the characters should be actively working with that information against a tangible (maybe not literally) villain. There are definite glimmers of this in these chapters, there's no doubt about it, but even during these chapters that I was engrossed enough to not make line-by-line notes I kept thinking "We've already been over this". I did like the emotion at the end of the second chapter. And I like that A is actively taking part in the story now and that there is mystery behind him.

I knew this was the moment her character arc needed to build towards even before I knew anything else about the character, so I'm really glad to hear this! Technically, just like their people, they are constantly changing (they never truly become fixed) though the changes usually can't be seen day to day. However, if someone goes through a life changing moment, there is a chance that their soul lantern could noticeably change in one day. This is rare and only happens in Small compared to a proper city. I haven't really thought about population, but what I do know is that there is at least one school and multiple classes per grade level. Keep in mind that only 1/4 of the people who conscript come back to the pueblo, so the child population is much higher than the adult population. Yes. The top of the spear is the orange glowing Mama uses to kill the demon. At the bottom is a smaller spike. I'll try to clear up the description. The change comes from the person themselves. Most people define themselves by their time in the army because the entire civilization Ouch. No they can't. I'll rework this. Thank you! You're right. Guess I just never even really considered how infeasible it would be to follow from that far back. Thanks! Can always trust you to find these oopsies! Thank you! So, I see general consensus is the flashback should probably be cut for multiple reasons, and I'm gonna go with you guys on that and try to work in the world building elements a different way. Thanks as always for the feedback! It's been most helpful.

I’ll take a spot if there’s one but go ahead and give others priority

No worries. With all the stuff happening with work and the death in the family I haven't been able to give it proper attention. Sorry for that! I truly meant to do it proper-like.

My exact thought! I agree with this. I never really felt like Q or M had the upper hand at any point, really. Hard agree with this. Even the 50th Anniversary Metallica shirt would be 68 years dated by the time of this story. Going back to the head in a jar reference, it feels more and more like a Futurama take on the future, where it's the future but the references are written for contemporary audiences. It works in satire like Futurama but this isn't satire and it takes me out of the setting and the story. Some of the vernacular has the same affect. Most of my notes have already been covered including almost everything I hit in my line-by-line (of which there was little since I was mostly engrossed). The first eight pages or so went by in a blink. Usually when I'm critiquing or editing I check what page I'm on almost compulsively. It helps me gauge flow and pacing. But when I checked for the first time while reading this I couldn't believe I was almost halfway done. I was kinda disappointed toward the middle because I felt like it was building to Q and M having the upper hand at some point, but they never do. M thinks she has the upper hand but as Aeromancer pointed out, she really doesn't. I can totally see his POV thinking: "Wow, this kid has some issues." The reason I'm so disappointed is because, thus far, Q and M have been almost exclusively reactive, and with the muddled plot that means that there's little driving the momentum of the book forward. You kinda do the unreliable narrator thing again, though it's not as obvious as two chapters ago, when you imply that Q and M want to be interrogated separately and so they bicker to be separated (unless I misread). Why not just tell us this right up front? This goes back to my previous point about being reactive. Its the one moment in the chapter where they are in control, but the narrator is hiding it from us for some reason so while the scene plays out we don't know they are being active. Does that make sense? The ending was properly shocking and I had to stop reading for a minute when M got shot. Once again, sorry for the late reply, but weekends are really the only days I can give critiques my full attention.

Same chapter from last week but revised based on your feedback. As you know, this one has given me the most trouble out of all of Z's POV chapters, but I think (see: hope) it's finally at the point where I can move forward. I'm torn about the flashback. On the one hand I don't think the chapter needs it. I already have a couple lines of dialogue in mind that could sum up everything from the flashback that is immediately important. But the flashback does set up/foreshadows multiple things that will be very important later and I'd hate to lose it. My hope is that the flashback doesn't HURT the chapter and doesn't have to be cut. What do you think? Does the emotional arc land? Also, sorry this one is a bit over 5,000 words. I hope that's okay. Thanks for reading!

Yeah, sorry about the late response. Unfortunately Saturdays and Sundays are usually the only days I have time to critique, which is kinda poopy with a group that submits on Mondays. Hopefully some of what I said will still be helpful!

Just to clarify, it wasn’t the clothing conversation that confused me. That was actually very clear to me. It was E’s thoughts prior to that.

Thank you for your answers! I feel I have a much better understanding now. Also (not that you thought otherwise but I'm paranoid so I'm going to point out that) I'm in no way trying to be contrary or suggesting E needs to be written differently.

Stuff that's already been covered enough: Jargon. Unclear motivations. General confusion over what's actually happening. Disclaimer: I've never really read cyberpunk, and I don't really know what your typical cyberpunk reader expects from the first 3,000 words of a shorter story. For all I know, this exactly what they like to see. However, the story (so far) does not resonate with me. Part of that is because of the aforementioned issues (being bombarded with terminology, etc.) but I think most of that could remain relatively unchanged if there is any sort of emotional connection to the character, the world or to what's going on. Two entertainment companies butting heads is in and of itself pretty generic, but the real problem is that I have no idea who I'm supposed to be rooting for. Is Y a good guy? A bad guy? I have no idea. I can't even tell if he thinks his company is better or if it's just a job. Would he work with the same aplomb if he was employed by the other guys? Does he do what he does for anything more than money? Is there any moral conviction on his part? I should know the answers to these questions. At the very least I should know what Y thinks the answers to these questions are (preferably both when the two are at odds). I don't relate to anything that's happening. I'm sure a lot of cyberpunk readers work or play in fields that help them relate to the technological side of the stories, but as an average Joe who does not work with tech, I'd like to relate to something. It can be family. Motivations. Hell, even if you described the brain dead consumers in such a way that I'd have take a look at myself and question my life choices. Love. Hate. Romance. That overbearing feeling of mortality that constantly hangs over all our heads no matter how hard we try to push it away. Something to help me grab traction so I can feel that I'm inside the story. As it is, the finger guns stand out as the most relatable thing for me. I had trouble with the fight scene as well. Primarily with the countdown. Eight+ minutes is a long time and if you look at it blow by blow, very little actually happens in that time. Not only that but there is implied down time where nothing is actually happening. So, in my mind anyway, this fight scene is basically happening in slow motion. The writing makes it more exciting, but thinking back now all I have are more questions. Why did D come out alone? Ratings? Why doesn't he use tech like a grappling hook or something? Is he purposely drawing it out? And why does he just let Y escape? Because of the VR thing later? For that matter why isn't Y tethered to these panels in some way? Detection? Even if the reasons I named are true, it doesn't quite land for me. You're obviously a skilled writer. There were a few sentences I had to read a couple times because they were worded awkwardly but outside that and the jargon I felt the prose were quality. The world building, while heavy, shows me that you've put a lot of thought into this and that you had a really good time writing it. As for the 1,000 words I think the countdown segment is your best bet because you could easily make it feel somewhat self contained and show of that you can handle beginning/middle/end.

I guess I don't understand the narrator's motivations beyond the fact that they don't fit into gender stereotypes. I mean... I guess that's enough, but it seems a bit shallow and after this chapter I'm left wondering if the reason they don't fit is because they don't fit or because they see a stereotype and actively avoid being that way simply because it is a stereotype. Why is this something they care so much about and what does being non-binary add to their life experience that couldn't be accomplished while keeping the "she" pronoun?

Can I have the final spot for Monday please?

Great chapter. I think the narrative bumps are really starting to smooth out and the characters are really starting to come alive. Most of the issues I had were resolved almost immediately. While there were points in the story that I thought needed a good deal more description, other moments were perfect. The two spots I think need more detail are 1. When they are riding their bikes. What you have is good but wind in the hair. A bug in the mouth. Something really immediate that makes you feel like you're riding down these slopes with them. 2. When they find the clown doll. That moment could have real punch and provide a linchpin to the chapter. Which leads me to my only real qualm and that's that the chapter does lack a linchpin. It doesn't really build to any one thing, and I think that's a missed opportunity. Keep in mind that this doesn't even have to be a big plot point and you actually have a couple really good moments earlier that would work as linchpins if they were later in a chapter. This isn't to say you have to restructure or make those the linchpin moments but as an example: This is fantastic. There is so much that has been building that pays off in this one paragraph and the lead up to it. After this moment, though, the narrative starts to meander again. Not as badly as previous chapters, but there really needs to be something meaty that sticks out before the chapter ends. Personally, without actually changing anything, I think that could be the clown. This one isn't really a qualm so much as my straight cis male wondering... Why exactly is "she" a "they"? The way it's built here makes it sound more like social rebellion rather than not feeling like a girl/boy. I'm glad they and D have the conversation about the clothes, but I'm left wondering if this character's conviction is sincere, genuine or even serious. I started making line-by-lines but was so engrossed I stopped pretty quickly.

Thank you for bringing this up. This is definitely stuff that should be clearer earlier for the reader. So "Mama" had Z toward the end of the third year of her first tour. Papa is older than Mama by two years so he (essentially) raised Z from ages 0-5 by himself, though Mama visited every chance she got (not many). So Mama came home for good when Z was about 5 years old and had been there consistently until a year before the story starts. So Z isn't used to her mom being away.

Ok I see it now. No it was just supposed to inform that she had spent 8 years in war. Thanks!

It's after midnight. They left the pueblo the day before around 8 AM and stopped around 10PM. Figuring they were probably only on the move for about 12 of those hours, travelling 28 miles, that averages out to about 2.33 mph, which I found to be a realistic pace. Keep in mind that these children undergo rigorous physical training on the regular and all of them have made this trip to Rossendar City before. This is what I was afraid of. Originally I blocked it out into it's own little sub chapter and then bounced back to Z's POV but it felt disconnected so I tried to integrate it into the main narrative so it felt a little bit more immediate to Z's POV. All four of you called this out, though, so I see that my experiment failed miserably and I'll go back to either making it all dialogue or blocking it separately in the next draft. Think darkfriend from Wheel of Time. It has come up before but now I'm thinking it should be defined better. So, this is 100% accurate. Yes. Women enter the breeding program as soon as they conscript (16). Yes. The turn happens (on average) between the ages of 38-40. Once the turn hits, the person ages at a ridiculously accelerated pace. Most die within a year, two at the absolutely most. I'm not sure where I implied she was at the Front for the past year but I'll fix it. This whole time she's been camping in the wilderness outside the pueblo, using the Sub Terra for shelter and only made a couple trips to the city. Thanks for reading and all the comments, guys! This chapter took me twice as long to write as normal and it just felt like nothing was clicking and if it did click, it clicked at the wrong time. I've already started revising based on your comments and it's turning out much better already.

Unfortunately, it did not. After three weeks the police finally found the body. The story, so far as I can piece together, is that he pulled to the side of the road so as to not drive drunk. A woman saw him and told her boyfriend. Together they made to rob him at gunpoint. They told him to start running and my bull headed cousin did not run. Matt never was one to back down. But thank you! I won't bring down the thread anymore.