cjhuitt

So, as you said, this is quite different than the last version you sent out. I liked the initial setup (although I wonder how it's going to change the story to have him trying to get into the guard). I thought the writing and description at the beginning was well done (actually, the writing and description throughout). I did have some qualms as other people have mentioned, primarily revolving around plot concerns. Some of the things I enjoyed: The part where Boar says he's lying about painful truths for reassurance. Also, the part where they mention Irma doesn't even have balls. The fact Coil didn't know how to make a fist. How Irna switched after the fight, helping him (as a "farmer"), and promising to find him later (or at least starting to). That Hael was sorry about something. However, I wasn't clear if it was about Coil making the watch, or about not being there to help him do so. Maybe both. (If the ambiguity wasn't intended, you might try to clear it up. Or you might try to leave it -- I don't think it matters significantly.) Things I didn't like so much: After the first break, things changed more into backstory. I thought it slowed the pace just a bit where you didn't want to slow things down yet. Maybe take the first three paragraphs and try to compress them into just one, with just the essence in them? The backstory behind him and Irna, especially Coil asking about the flute. While I think it's actually kind of humorous, and also shows Coil shying away from thinking about the fight itself, in this part of the scene I didn't like it, and I didn't think it really added much to the course of the chapter, so I would be in favor of cutting it (unless it's really important some other time, although it doesn't seem like it would be). "He made a noise lost himself". I'm guessing something got overlooked during an edit? Coil's declaration of love. I thought that seemed either to be the wrong time for it, or not led up to enough. It's possible a sentence or three of Coil's thoughts for us to follow would set the stage properly for this, but for now it seems to stick out. Things I wasn't sure about: The man standing over Coil when the fight was almost over. I assume this is world building or foreshadowing or something, but it confused me when I read it. The relationship that gets revealed between Coil and Hael at the end. Having read your previous submission, I was looking for it, and I could see the hints and foreshadowing that was leading up to it. However, I am somewhat in agreement with the others that it seems unnecessary. Hael being sorry and relieved enough to declare he could kiss Coil seemed fine to me, though, and I mentioned above about my main problem with the rest. My ambivalence toward this part is mostly that it seems unnecessary, but if it sets character traits that come into play later, it's probably fine. Irna's nekkidness. I read the other's thoughts on that earlier, and I both agree and disagree with them. I was slightly thrown by the shirtless thing, but I tend to think a lot of that was the way it was described. I also thought that part of it may be in addition to the violence, since it already seems odd for a (potential) JV story to start with such violence. The shirtless part happens first, however, and in contrast to the rest of the scene is a brief bit that sticks out, so I wonder if it's easier to overemphasize its effect in hindsight. I would also agree that it could be improved by a few phrasing differences, without really changing much about the scene. I also wasn't sure how this fit in keeping the book JV or not, or if you even want to think about those things right now. Compared to the earlier submission you sent out, this one definitely feels like it should be for an older audience, to me. It might be how it leads in, however, because the last one had fighting and death in it as well. However, it seemed to be less graphic, and it was also worked up to, since at the start the last time, we saw a wasting death due to illness, instead of a painful, bloody fight ended by arrows. Well, enough of me rambling for now.

I had considered something similar to this in the past. I wouldn't object to looking over some outlines, with the caveat that I've found most outlines I've read to be somewhat unfulfilling, mine included. That was also true of Mary's when they recently went over it in Writing Excuses. I expect that, because you can't necessarily get the attachment to characters like you can in a novel, but it does make it slightly harder for me to get enthused about a plot when in outline form.

There's nothing that says you can't interleave journal entries with more active scenes, either. I don't know if you want to, but it's certainly possible. The main thing I'd say about that is make sure it is clear which are which.

As already mentioned by Mandamon, this has a steep learning curve. It wasn't too bad to get into as a sci-fi story, but even right from the beginning you mention "The S.O.M." without any sort of clue what an S.O.M. is, or why a gold star is desirable (I mean, we all know you want to get a gold star, from way back in pre-school, so this works, it's just a note on how quickly the concepts come). I did like the idea from the beginning that he wanted to kill his wife, or at least divorce her, but that he couldn't due to contingency planning. After the first paragraph, however, I started to enjoy the story just a little less. I think part of it was because Bethany (the wife, although we don't get her name for a little bit) is in fact a little boring in how she prattles on, and that kind of detracts from the story. It is good that you only give bits and pieces, but you could probably help this a little by using her conversation as a jumping-off point for more of the main POV character's ideas and reminisces. Or, perhaps cut a bit of the words from the scene. Another idea that might help is to bring forward a little more the fact that he's observing one of the food vendors, and that he wants to kill her to finish her mission, but that he's been given a wait command, and it frustrates him even more. Especially if there's a chance he slips and almost reveals himself to his new wife. One of the things I thought was missing to the beginning, although it may be hard to work it in with what I just said about trimming a bit, is the scenery. We know they're not on earth, because the young ones don't remember it, but we don't know much more than it's a station, and they're in a carnival. What kind of carnival? How does it take advantage of it's setting, besides being pushed up against sky-high towers? Why not have it on top of one of the towers? How heavy is the gravity? What does the sky look like? This is one chance to shine on the setting and make me like the story. I tend to think that sci-fi stories can have a lot of fun with setting, postulating advances in building materials and what-not, not to mention locations, and still having the ability to describe them somewhat technically instead of waving hands and saying it's magic. I'd use it to advantage here, especially since all the main POV is doing is observing anyway. So, questions: The phantom voice had me intrigued, plus the idea that it wasn't his memories he was having. It made me wonder which part is the assassin, and which part the extra bit, and how it all ties together. The bit about the teenage food cart vendor was moderately intriguing, and made me wonder if he is going to be killed, or not. Also, the friend, which made me have a sneaking suspicion that the "friend" is the one sending the messages to the POV about whether to proceed with the assassination or not. Idle speculation, of course, but on the off chance that was your big reveal much later in the book, I get to say I thought of it all the way back here. Oh, the phantom voice: letters appearing on the page of his mind like a typewriter? How old is this guy? Even now, typewriters are rather antique, and not many people would first think of a typewriter to describe the appearance of letters on a page. Honestly, I wonder how many would think of closed-captioning, which might be closer to what he's experiencing anyway, letters superimposed over the rest of the scene. The thing about the drugs/food had me confused, and not in a good way at first. In fact, I was almost convinced it must have been a typo, until it was repeated over and over again. I think that needs to be clearer that it is food with a different word from the get-go, or something. It kind of itched at my mind the whole time. I thought the idea to keep the other pickpockets away was a neat one, but I'm not convinced that he (did we ever get a name?) would not be able to keep himself from filing a report, or even from having stuff broadcast all over the station/world/galaxy/whatever. I would think he could come up with a way to manage it without the rigamarole, but he might consider this easier than another option. I also thought the idea of having food rated for skill levels was kind of interesting. That's a neat bit of color, whether or not it plays further into the story. Finally, I will note that there is a decent chunk of telling in here instead of showing. It wasn't overboard, but it was enough that I noticed it and was mildly irritated about it from time to time. The two particular examples I recall were at the very beginning, when it was told that he was always very much aware of his surroundings, and near the end of this section, where something different happened, which "put him on edge." In both these situations, I'd like something in action form to either back it up or, if you really want to have fun, show that what he was thinking about himself was in fact not what was going on.

So, I think this excerpt has many of the same problems that the first portion has. It has many of the same good parts, also, but the similarity is going to make it hard for me to put down new insights about the story. So, some of the things I liked include the continuing play on the historical figures and their behavior, especially the way that Shakespeare spoke. I also liked that you called attention to the problems with the water running in the house, and so forth. I also liked the joke about Bacon being dinner or a person to visit. On the other hand, there is still the problem that Isaac isn't doing anything in particular. Sure, now he's starting to help find differences in time, but it's still a very inactive character. The next best character, his mother, is almost as bad. She's slightly active, but really only in trying to find information from the book. This part of the book almost suffers from the too-interesting-villian problem, where I like them the best, except that the closest thing to a villain in the story are the Greats that they are visiting. Still, they are causing the obstacles to the POV characters, and they are the fascinating part of the story. In fact, it seems like there could be a good story from one of their viewpoints, knowing that information and how that constrains their choices (or forces them). The bits where Isaac is stuck in the house/machine and his daily life are the slowest parts to read, for me, and that kind of relates to the previous paragraph -- there's no excitement there, no tension. It's just a boring routine, however exotic the setting it is in. Finally, while the story reads a lot like a series of journal entries (as you intended), it reads too naturally. That is, it's verbose and often repeats itself, much like a real person's journal would. Although there is a bit of a call for that in this style of story, since the journal needs to have some sort of verisimilitude, but I think it could be pruned quite a bit without losing any of the effect, at least for the part I've seen so far. It all seems a little slow (the visits with historical figures slightly less so, but still slow), and I think that could be improved some, anyway, just by boiling down the words to their essence as much as they can be.

It seems pretty clear that .doc and PDF are the most popular choices, which was what people had been sending (more or less) even before I sent this poll. So I guess I've been expecting people to send the same formats as before, which is generally what has been happening.

These cover a lot of my thoughts: More details: I also thought the first part of the story was the weakest/slowest. In addition, I really thought that it was a setup for a longer novel. In that context, the fight was still a bit long, but not horribly so. Regarding the information at the beginning, I would suggest trying to take the information about the plotting against the king -- that is, everything about why he was writing the letter and what was in it -- and try to work it in bit by bit during the action. Some of it could be left out entirely, though; the part about him needing to have the letter transcribed was interesting, but doesn't really add to a piece this short. For what it's worth, I didn't have any confusion about either of these two elements. I thought they read well enough to understand. Oh ho. I missed this one, somehow. Interesting. One thought I have is a variation on a common name and a "true" name, and the sword, of course, must know the true name. I actually thought the candle was either a common way of warding spirits, or more likely an old wives' tale about warding spirits, but either way I didn't assume there was anything special about the candle. However, this is a good point that if they were in more demand for use to burn overnight, they would also be more expensive. Beyond that, this would be one way in which the rich would distinguish themselves from the poor -- there would be the commoner's candles, as cheap as they could be made and still work, and there would be the incensed candles of the rich (assuming they could be incensed), or colored, or with bits in it to make the flames turn colors, or what-have-you. It's a good world building idea, and one I may find my way to "borrowing" some day. I noticed two main things about this other than what was discussed above. Why a letter? I particularly thought this with the comment that he wasn't good at writing. Why not just go and tell the king? I mean, it sounds like Aethor is a spy, or the local equivalent, but how would sending a letter be any faster than just informing the proper people? This is especially true since he was struggling so hard to write the letter, and felt as if he was under time pressure. Also, at the beginning of the story I had no idea what magic may be possible, so I was assuming the letter would need to be hand-delivered anyway. At first, this doesn't seem to be a body-blow to your story, just an inconvenience. I mean, he could be waiting in his room figuring out how to approach the king with the information when he is attacked just as easily as writing a letter. On the revelation that Aethor can "step", however, it makes less sense. Why doesn't he just step to where the king is and tell him? I can come up with hand-wavey reasons, perhaps, but anything I've come up with runs into the other problem of how a letter would be any easier. The storm power ending: If Aethor could summon the storm power so easily, and the assassin was confident of being able to kill Aethor, then he ought to have had a plan for dealing with the storm power. On the other hand, if Aethor felt that he was having problems with the assassin -- he made three different gambles in the fight -- why not call upon the storm power earlier? I would assume that's not something one just forgets about, if you have the ability.

I can see I might have something to address! I wasn't actually reading a Pratchett book while writing this one, but I will admit to having read a good many of them, the Sam Vines ones included. I didn't intentionally model Alberic on Sam Vimes, but I can see a lot of influence from here, having written it. The Lord (who will be given an actual name any day now, not just a title) is actually very little like Vetinari, at least. In my new revised plan to the opening of the story, I'm probably going to combine chapter 4 and this chapter, and hopefully at a little more conflict in as well. His primary job prior to this had been to primarily keep the wealthy and influential happy (no muggings, streets relatively clean, etc.). So it wasn't his primary concern before, and he didn't have the manpower to spend on relatively minor thieves who weren't bothering the high muckity-mucks. I tried to convey this in these two chapters, but I'll see if I can't make it more clear in a revision.

Thanks everybody for the comments on this (and the other chapters). It's been really helping me figure out what I want to do with the opening. That's kind of been my thoughts as well, in tales like this, but I've been thinking I might want to have Jorah take it first, without the debate, then have the repercussions come out more fully later. I've been considering that, sort of. I do think I'll be moving this scene much closer to the beginning of the story, anyway. The amount of time for each POV is something I've struggled with more in this story than in my previous ones. Part of me wants to drop the extra POVs and just concentrate on Jorah, but I'm afraid there are parts that won't work from his POV, and the general advice I've seen is to introduce POV switches early in the book if you are going to have them. I guess what that leaves me with is strengthening the reasons for having other POV chapters early, since the story as written doesn't support them as well. Yes, the reason the story has its name. They do play more of a part than just getting people to chase Jorah, though it won't come out for at least a little bit. I'm also hoping to come up with a better name eventually, but for now it's the story revolving around blue crystals, so that's what it is named.

Well, it was an easy read, and for someone with a passing knowledge of the philosophical arguments made by Plato, somewhat amusing. However, I have to agree with the others on the way Isaac doesn't seem like a good choice for a protagonist at this point. He needs something to give him an obstacle, or a goal, or more than just ride along and write things down. Of course, that's assuming he is the protagonist, but by four chapters in his POV, that's probably a solid assumption. I see that you mention he knows more and is more active later in the story. How quickly can we get to that point? How much would be lost if we just skipped there? Even if you need some of the information between here and there, can you jump straight there, then have a flashback or something to add the extra information? (I usually don't suggest this, because I'm usually of the opinion that without overriding reasons, the best way to tell a story is the chronological way, but what the heck, this is a time travel story after all. Why not try mixing things up a bit?) I was also a little confused as to the target audience, or at least age group. You mention it's a YA novel, but the protagonist is 12 (right now), and most YA novels have a protagonist slightly older than their target readers. That would suggest more of a middle-grade level, and I thought the way it was written fit better there also. However, some of the topics weren't explained well enough for many readers of that level to understand, I don't think. I'm especially thinking about Plato's ideal form philosophy. Newton being into alchemy or Socrates dying by drinking hemlock, those they either might know or are simple enough to explain. The ideal form is much harder, and I'm not sure how much they'll get out of Socrates conversing in questions, either. Of course, I don't know if your goals are to introduce people to these things, or if they are in there because that's how a conversation with those figures might go, but I have my doubts. So far as the language and culture clashes and what-not, I took that as a given in a time-travel story. Most time-travel stories, anyway; there are exceptions. I would expect some small amounts of culture clash, at least, to show up in Isaac's POV, as he would be eating foods he hasn't experienced before, and seeing sights, and the smells would be wildly different, plus the way people move around would catch his attention, and.... I'll stop here; you know probably as well as I do. I'd just suggest putting some of it in, rather than keeping all of it out. Finally, if this story ends up having a lot to do with philosophy, you might find yourself with a somewhat limited audience. I'd probably enjoy it, and many of my friends would, but I don't know many people who read stories heavy on the philosophy for enjoyment.

I wanted to quickly comment on this part also, to the effect of remembering one of some guy Sanderson's laws of something or another, that limitations are more interesting than powers. It's good to see the powers, and to see what the possibilities are, but I think in the prologue we maybe have too many possible powers, and not enough mention of the limits (whatever they may be). Also bear in mind, not all limits have to be inherent in the magic system, such as Jack the Hall's suggestion about laws against certain uses of magic. This is briefly present in the prologue with the reference to forbidden spells, but there doesn't seem to be any consequence yet to Hinther using them, and he certainly doesn't seem to see it as a limitation. Remember also that if the magic is accessed through spells, that there is the limitation of what spells one knows (again, hinted at in the prologue but not really used).

This is my second time reading this part of your story, and from what I can recall it has been improved. As you noted, however, there's always room for improvement. I could basically quote Asmodemon's critique and be mostly covered. Instead, I'm going to re-emphasize what the others have said, in that the part on the first world needs to be cut down as much as you can. I'd suggest you be as ruthless as you can manage in trimming it. If the whole thing can go, great, but I get the impression that's not quite the case, so make it short and quick. I'd spend a bit of time working on the polish of this section also, as if it's easy to read you can get away with a little bit more length than otherwise. Regarding polish, I'll reiterate that the siblings discussing their attempts to stop everyone at the end of the world was very much like a maid and butler dialogue, where the discussion appeared to happen more for the reader's sake than for any need for the characters to communicate. I suggest putting any necessary information like this in Enthisa's POV text, instead of in dialogue, and again, keep it to a minimum. I also thought that the description of building up the spell was too detailed, especially for a prologue. I think you could describe the length of time and the effect on the casters without going into quite the detail on the spell. Alternately, you might try hyper-concentrating on a few of Enthisa's representative actions, having the time pass without her noticing until it is done. Another aspect of the beginning section was that I didn't have a good feel for the people. The setting was described (maybe a touch too much), but the people are just names and, occasionally, place relative to the others. Very little of their personality is shown, and I'm assuming from the setup so far that the relative personalities of these soon-to-be-gods will at the least strongly flavor the rest of the book. Once into the conflict between Athir and Hinther, there is still a lot of potentially extraneous information, especially for a prologue. For example, most of Hinther's actions and thoughts before his signal to summon the demons could probably go. Most of the summoning setup could be compressed into one short paragraph, I think, and Quaorr's description could maybe be focused on the most telling details (you have a lot of nasty details there, but I think any one or two of them may be even more effective without all the others crowding them in the text). I did like that Hinther added a little of the dramatic address to the summons, despite it being unnecessary. I'll skip a good chunk more with Athir and the dragons to get to the brother/sister fight. One of my first thoughts during this was to wonder why Athir didn't so much as bat an eye when Hinther attacked her after she defeated Quaorr. I also wondered about her using as much energy on the demon as she did; I didn't think it was fully justified in the text, especially if she had been expecting that Hinther would then still attack her. Also, being how Athir is written, I expected her to attempt talking Hinther out of the fighting, instead of just going along with the fight (and complaining about him learning stuff she hadn't). I'm also not entirely clear on Hinther's motivations for killing his sister. Sure, he wanted to defeat her, and possible take the sword from her, but as the saying goes, "death's too good for her". After he had clearly beaten her, why would he kill her instead of containing her and keeping her around to gloat at? Especially if Hinther is going to be around for more of the story, I kind of wanted some small reason to root for him, even just a little bit, and not killing his sister (or not intentionally killing her) would be one way to do it.

I know I said I wanted to get back to Dias' viewpoint, and that his was my favorite of the viewpoints. However, I got to this chapter and read it to discover that the big break left us with... Dias landing in a riot, and the original pursuers not being seen again in the chapter. There are a few hints of them in Dias' reactions (fear they are chasing him), but mostly it just peters out. After reading this chapter, and reflecting on the previous Dias chapter, I agree that they do seem kind of repetitive, and I also wonder if you could minimize the first chapter's chase and put it on the beginning of this chapter, adding 500-800 words to get Dias to the point where he jumped. Alternatively, you might just have him on the ledge, recognize that his pursuers are still back there, and then he jumps. Of course, that assumes nothing in the previous chase chapter becomes important later on. Unless I'm forgetting something, I think this is the first time we've really seen magic in the city. Prior to this chapter, I had figured the city was easy pickings, despite them bracing for a siege, due to the magic being brought from the other side. However, that makes me wonder what else the magic could be doing in the city, as well as why the previous chapters didn't at least hint at it. (Of course, I could have just naively missed the hints). I would kind of expect a group that has enough magic users to have one of them helping a random street urchin to have set up some way to use them for more benefits to the people, if only to keep them from dying and making the city into a cesspit of rampant diseases. Another aspect of this chapter that caught my attention was Dias and his knife. I didn't recall it being present earlier (and I know how these things can slip in during a draft as well). It might also be a side-effect of having a few weeks between each chapter with Dias in it. I also thought Dias shouldn't be able to hear the conversation after such a concussion. It does add a bit of world building, but I think it could be covered after he is healed. A couple things about this sentence. I'm sure you've already spotted the repetition, but I got confused about the concussion part, because the previous paragraph talked about his confusion in the after effects of the fall and the blasts. I read it as him having a concussion, not there being another large booming sound, which fit right in on first read. However, it felt like using too modern of a word, and then I realized what you actually meant. Just something to note, really. Dias' healing seems kind of random. It's good that Acer is immediately called on it and had an explanation, but it would also be nice if he had some sort of plan for Dias, or at least some instructions, rather than just an admonition to use it wisely. I especially like the idea that he might take on another responsibility that makes his efforts to rescue his father more difficult. I also hope we get to see Acer again, though his screen time is short enough I won't be disappointed if we don't. I recall Dias thinking about his father throughout the book, and how his plan is to rescue his father. I don't recall much thought about his mother. You might want to even that up a little bit, making sure his goals include both of them. Finally, Dias and Rosalin meet again. Although I can understand why their narrative paths didn't stick together last time, I hope they are spending more time together after this, both from a selfish reader point of view (conforming to my expectations), and because I have a feeling the story needs to pick up the pace a little, and it might be easier to do with two of the three main characters in the same location.

I'll try not to repeat too much of what others said, but I figured I'd throw my opinion in here as well. I was also slightly confused by the viewpoint thing, but that was more my expectations than anything I feel is inherently wrong with omniscient. It might be possible to smooth over some of the viewpoint changes so that they aren't quite so abrupt, but that can wait until bigger problems are resolved. Also, although there were significant grammatical changes needed before I'd suggest it is submitted anywhere, they didn't really distract me too much from the story. What did distract me was the lack of names for the characters. This annoys me almost any time I see it, despite the fact that it is occasionally useful. However, that usually happens in third-person limited viewpoints, where the POV doesn't know who the other character is, but enough hints are usually given to the reader that they can figure it out. Here, it feels like the narrative gets distorted from the lack of names, and neither of the previous conditions apply -- it is omniscient POV, so the narrator can certainly give their names, and the characters also know each other. To me, this drove a lot of my other criticisms of the chapter, especially the early part. While there are hints of an interesting situation behind the scenes, the two characters are basically just having a normal morning without any apparent disturbance to their usual routine. In short, I can't find much tension at all inherent in the opening of the chapter, and what is there (scrubbing off dirt and soot after a long night) dissipates when it has no more bearing on the rest of the chapter. Also throughout the chapter, I had problems connecting with the characters. Part of this is probably the names thing for me, but more of it had to do with no insight into the characters themselves; what they wanted, what they were having problems with, or anything like that. Now, near the end of the chapter we have a reflection on the two character's difference views on luck. I liked this, both because it introduced tension between the two (however slight), and because it seemed to be setting up future events in the story. I especially liked the idea of the man calculating luck variances based on recent occurrences, and hope to see more of that in the future.

This is to discuss the eight chapter in my novel that is currently titled Blue Crystals. I've been doing some thinking about the novel in terms of the three-act format, and I believe this chapter ends act 1 of my novel (I don't usually think that way during the writing). Besides comments on this chapter, I welcome any comments on the first act as a whole, or if you think it doesn't feel like a proper turning point. So far, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. The next day, we peek in on Alberic as he learns of another theft in the night. Jorah's group splits the take from the heist, and Jorah receives an ultimatum to retrieve the bag of wine he had lost. Lance and Dexter accompany them, and all three encounter difficulties retrieving the bag, until monsters appear and run them off. That night, the group does another robbery, and Jorah finds a cart inside full of packaged goods. He also finds a leather pouch that he later learns holds what appear to be glass beads, but to him they shine with a blue light.

If it's not too many all at once, I have a short chapter to get out. Of course, I've been doing a good chunk of the recent submissions, so no problem if you'd like me to wait a week.

Previously, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. In the fourth chapter, we peeked in on Alberic, the city's captain of the guards, as he learns of the group's robbery from the previous night. The fifth chapter consisted of Jorah, with two fellow thieves, attempting to regain the bag of wine from the previous heist. The Testing Ground plays with them prior to producing more monsters to drive them away, once again empty-handed.

Thanks to all three of you for the feedback. I really appreciate it. No, that's fine. That's exactly what I did with the first stories I read. Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. I think these three sets of comments all point at something that I kind of knew was a weakness in my writing. I know Asmodemon has mentioned it before, but I guess I hadn't yet realized how much this was affecting things. I'll be making a point to work on that in the near future. I'm going a little by memory here, but I believe I intended the road to be a hint to a plot development that never actually shows up. It seemed fine when I read over the chapter before sending it out, but then again, I knew what the road was for and what it was eventually going to be used for. Now, I believe I probably will cut that portion of the chapter, because it really doesn't need to be there. The only real use I would have for it now is metaphoric, and I probably don't need to show the road -- or at least in such prominence -- for that. I will have to be more clear on this on a rewrite. The reason Jorah went to that part was to double-check that the bag was still where he thought it was, and that angle allowed him to have a look without entering the grounds itself. The reason he wanted to get it from the other way is because it was much nearer to that side, thus less time risked in the grounds themselves. As for a grand-scale reason, it was more to give me a chance to show Lance being a joker and more of Dexter's doubts. I'm going to have to keep back how it works, at least for now. As for the rest of the problems you point out, I think I may have to put in more foreshadowing. There are two partially interrelated aspects to that part of it. The first is that the testing grounds are unpredictable in their effects, and so this time it was more "mind games" at first rather than straight out monsters. The second is that the testing grounds are designed to keep people away from them, so the effects are done to generate fear. Jorah was already properly fearful, so he was somewhat exempt from the effects at first. Then, when he didn't leave quickly enough... Of course, another answer is that Jorah is special, just not necessarily in a way that would much affect the testing ground's actions. I also kind of like the image you presented, of pulling up the bag to see hands holding it right before all the others appear. I do appreciate the kind words on the parts with the puzzle and the hands reappearing. They were the part of the book that was most fun to write as well.

I'd also like to get another submission out. Let's act like things are getting active around here again.

The fifth chapter in my novel currently titled Blue Crystals. Previously, we met Jorah as the gang of thieves he was with robbed a local merchant. They split up, and Jorah absentmindedly wonders into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him and he loses the wine he was carrying from the heist. We then get Molly's viewpoint as the gang gathers together the next morning and she discovers what Jorah had done, and what the group had stolen. Finally, we peeked in on Alberic, the city's captain of the guards, as he learns of the group's robbery from the previous night.

I'd like to submit another chapter tomorrow.

I have a few reservations with the opening, some of them technical (and opinionated), and others more strategic. The most nitpicking, and I admit most opinionated, is that I don't get to know anything about the viewpoint character until the third sentence into the story. I admit there are many novels and even some short stories where I'm just fine with an opening that doesn't reveal this right away, but by default I think it should be established right away, and I can't think of any reason why you couldn't, even keeping the flow of the paragraph the same. The more strategic part is me wondering how much of the first page or so is really needed to begin the story (or even needed at all). The violent death of the fish at the beginning is a good tone-setter for the rest of the piece, so I might keep it, but some of the rest seems unnecessary. Now, I'm going to contradict myself, and say I also wished for more scene-setting, especially at the beginning of the story. Please don't stone me. However, the details we do get are... not generic, per se, but don't give me quite the detail I hope for. Some examples are me wondering how deep the water is where Linaeve starts, how the water is that day compared to other days, why she wanted to call the ray back, etc. I also wonder, having read the piece, if Linaeve used her song to lure the fish in that she had decided to eat? I also thought the early dialog between Aria and Linaeve could use some smoothing. The details during the dialog could be reworked a bit to do more showing instead of telling (exemples such as "Aria looked surprised and hurt", and "Aria pouted"). Throughout the story, I thought people's names were used a little too often, instead of pronouns, but now I'm really picking at nits. The ship coming in on a storm is nicely foreboding, but I thought the story really picked up one Linaeve got near the ship itself and started investigating it. For most of the scenes on the ship, I was right there along with the characters, not getting distracted by many issues. The main one I recall is wondering how Linaeve knew Ranata's name (or knew her at all). I thought the ending was nicely done, with Lynaeve staying true to her nature, and with her getting her mate. My only suggesting there is to see if you can't draw the anticipation out just a small fraction longer, when the reader isn't sure if Lynaeve is going to take him or not.

Thank you for this review also. I was looking over the chapters again myself, and noticed I left in some placeholders instead of names, also. I hope that doesn't through anybody, but I do plan on having names for The Lord, the Fence, and anywhere you see an XXX placeholder. I seem to recall that I had originally planned something that needed Molly's opinions of Kat firmly established, but I can't recall what it might have been anymore. I agree that there is a good chunk of duplication in the first chunk as well. I had planned on making Alberic a recurring POV character, but I struggled with how much to put right here. Perhaps I'll come back and revisit the question after a few more chapters, because I liked showing that he had suspicions already, and that he wanted to do something about them, before the escalation happens. However, it did seem like a very slight chapter, and I haven't decided how to make it feel more substantial yet. Right now, I'm leaning toward making it so he is joining a guard for their patrol when they learn about the robbery. This will at least give the chapter a bit more action, and maybe let me describe the setting some more, rather than have it happen in his office. Alternately, I could try to open the novel closer to the escalation, but for the rest of the story I feel it is important to show the testing grounds right away, and that won't be as easy once the robberies start getting official attention. There's a little devil on my shoulder right now, and it's whispering to me, "Perhaps a prologue...."

Two more chapters in my book currently named Blue Crystals. In previous chapters, we met Jorah and the gang of thieves he is with as they complete a theft. He then wonders absentmindedly into a Testing Ground, where monsters attack him. He makes it out, but not without losing his share of the loot.

I have another chapter or two I could submit, if you don't think it would overwhelm everybody.