cjhuitt

So far, it looks like the question might be answered from the other side... has anyone requested a submission slot yet?

I'm open to receiving entries either day, or possibly giving it an extra day (the 27th and 3rd) to get things out. I know many people are busy this time of year, and potentially traveling and whatnot, but I actually have a bit more time to spend on little things like catching up here.

Right off the bat, I have to say that your intro bits continue to be good. The disguised machinery is interesting, and the obvious questions raised are about who it is supposed to deceive. I anticipate we'll get an answer to this at some point. The variety of creatures is well-imagined, and most of them are vastly different from each other, which is nice. However, I wonder about not having enough of it explained. If most of the weird shapes and abilities don't come into play in the story, then it's probably fine. Explanations are actually a big part of my critique, starting about with this chapter (but possibly going back a slight bit). So far, nothing much has been explained either to Kyle, or even just to the reader. It is good on avoiding info dumps, but less good in a really strange story like this where I have no idea what to expect. This is especially true where Kyle is concerned. Everyone seems to think that it's important he is along, and that he survives so they can return, but nobody thinks it's important to explain some of the smallest things to him. Even things about the mission; like, for example, the fact that other zeppelins are something to be alert for. By this point, I really hope there's a good reason why nobody has given him any explanation, but whatever the reason, it seems unlikely nothing is done to help him out. There has also been a tendency to end the chapters on dramatic moments. This can work, but right now I'm starting to worry that every chapter I get will now have the viewpoint character end in a dire situation. Sometimes it's nice to be able to pause and take a breath. Speaking of pausing and taking a breath, Kyle is about due to go insane now, right? I mean, he was half-crushed, woke up in a hospital, found out his hand had turned to crystal, was recruited to go on a mission with some obvious aliens, had venom injected into him, watched solders cut down in front of his eyes, jumped in a zeppelin and was outfitted, discovered he was suddenly the outlaw instead of the law, survived another fight, and is now in an explosion. All in what seems like just a couple hours (time awake, of course -- he was unconscious for whatever medical happenings occurred after being crushed). I especially think that the conversion from lawman to outlaw wouldn't go as easily as is implied by the text, and would expect some huge repercussions from that any time now. In fact, I expected them once he realized what was going on. Given that Kyle did keep his allegiances (tenuous as they are) to the people treated him like vermin, the fight scene was well done. My biggest quibble with this would be that earlier we learn the rifle will explode in five seconds. I'm guessing that the end of the fight after Kyle's rifle was damaged took only a second, but then there was time for Akari to discuss Chuuk's arm wound and (leisurely, since the fighting is done?) cut off the remaining portion. Kyle has time to notice the smell, mention it to Akari, who can then process the information and ask him about the rifle before the explosion goes off. That seems like a lot of stuff for five seconds, especially when there isn't shown any particular need to hurry.

I thought this started off very well. The first two paragraphs really set a tone, and are fun to read. I would suggest going through with a sharp editing knife, however, and cut out as much excess as you think you can. I have a feeling the first couple of paragraphs might really be able to zing if they were trimmed up. Actually, the trimming applied to the whole piece, but especially the first couple of paragraphs, before anyone is invested in the story. I read the first section as setting the scene for the rest of the story, which means that after the wide-view narration in the first section, when I saw the first paragraph of the second section focus on Sheenah I expected a tight focus for the rest of the story -- no omniscient narrator. This expectation was blown up in the final paragraph of that section, where the POV had apparently shifted to the CEO, Mr. Davis, since it was detailing his internal feelings. After this section, the POV appears to settle down to mostly one POV per section, although there are a few times it is stretched (like describing what watching a robot read looks like). It makes the second section stand out even more; especially because I don't know if we really need to know Mr. Davis' feelings anywhere in here, other than what we can guess from physical cues observed by an intrepid reporter. For a little bit more world-building projections, people have a tendency to make verbs out of nouns, such as googling and (already) youtubing. I would expect Sheena to say she'd "youtube it" or maybe "u-tube it" instead of "post it on youtube". There might be another couple of places you could rephrase things like this also. Sally's dialog seemed a little old for six, to me. I realize some of it, at least, is parroting her parents, but I would expect it to still be rephrased with slightly simpler words. Of course, a lot of my experience lately is with nephews (none of my nieces are older than 3 yet), and they would be a lot more concerned with the robot itself, and less with what it did. They'd definitely try to play with the robot, climb on it, or try to get it to attack whatever random objects may be nearby. I thought the story as a whole took an interesting turn half-way through when the robots discovered they were ineffective. The eventual result was not one I expected either, although possibly not in a good way. I can see how the robots' conclusions could be supported, but I expected more serious (and effective) objections to have been raised. Issues such as the possibility that the robots themselves could design a better process for making robots, or that the construction could be moved off-planet and run only by robots, or who-knows what else. They might even consider the sunk-costs of them having been made, and put themselves to sleep for twenty years or so until the technology may have improved enough to make a difference in their continuing operation, rather than incinerate themselves. Finally, I thought the last paragraph was quite awkward, again at least partially from the POV shift, but also because I don't know why Mr. Davis would even be trying to offer consolation to Sally. It doesn't seem to match what I read of his character.

I used these questions as a starter for a local critique group. They are by no means exhaustive, but things to get you thinking along the lines of general critique. Many of them come from one of Orson Scott Card's books about writing (I think it was How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy). Were you ever bored? Did you find your mind wandering? Can you note where in the story this was happening? If you put the story/portion down to do something else, where in the text were you at that time? What did you think about the character named X? Did you like him? Hate him? Keep forgetting who he was? Was there anything you didn't understand? Is there any section you had to read twice? Is there any place you got confused? Was there anything you didn't believe? Any time when you said, "Oh, come on!"? What do you think will happen next? What are you still wondering about? What did you like/enjoy most? What did you dislike/hate most

I though this prologue was overall much more clear than the previous one. I also think it does a decent job of setting things up and getting interest in the story, as well as hinting (I assume it's just hints) at what sort of magic there is available. My biggest problem is likely a good one to have: I liked Coil, and from having read the next couple of chapters already, I have my doubts that Coil will end up in the story much, which seems a shame. I thought you did good in showing a nice small character arc for him in the prologue, and I wanted to see what happens next with him (assuming he does survive against whatever it is behind the door). If you would like some more suggestions, I would echo Asmodemon in the suggestion to trim and clarify the individual sentences. I thought that the section about Coil's trip outside the city was mostly extraneous and could be cut back considerably. I thought that it would be nice to get a bit more description of Surr from Coil's perspective, since we don't get a lot in the first couple of chapters so far. Maybe also some hints or explanations on some of the terms (such as stompman) and obligations as they play into the prologue, unless you think they'd be too distracting for the eventual story. (Not having read the whole thing makes this slightly more difficult, but that's part of the problem with nearly everybody's submissions now that I think on it.) I thought it was unrealistic for Coil to survive being trampled without something else preventing him from becoming too injured -- or perhaps in the confusion it only felt like he was trampled, when in the end he was in an out-of-the-way cranny. I thought Bantam's lines weren't as believable as the words from Coil, Surr, or Till, though his behavior seemed fine. One more suggestion, depending on the tone you want to have for the prologue and the book, you could probably emphasize some of the horror elements in this one pretty effectively. The confusion and chaos around Coil in the beginning, followed by the overconfidence instilled from the magic and his blade, then noticing the black slimy substances, and finally seeing the black lines running from Till to the door, followed by a nightmare creature... it could be fun to try. On the other hand, the other chapters I read had more of a lighter, fun feel to them so far. If the tone later in the book is more along the lines of horror, you could use the prologue to establish this. If not, unless you want the contrast, you probably don't want to play up the horror here. I just thought there was potential you should at least think about.

The biggest problem I had with the story was the lack of repercussions, as Yados mentioned. Even if Brinna thinks it will kill her baby and end the end it doesn't, there needs to be repercussions of the act to justify her fears and the dictate to her kind not to use magic while pregnant. I also had a thought that she might end up giving birth at some point, which would cause a real escalation of problems, both for Brinna and the hunters. How would the hunters react? What would Brinna do if she started labor while bound? The change in the captain's attitude near the end seemed abrupt to me. Sure, he explains to Brinna why (and why does he explain? what does he owe her?), but I didn't think it was set up well. I was reading the captain as a competent but not over-zealous "good" guy on the other side. Suddenly, one night close to the destination he totally changes and starts killing his prisoner? Related to that, I think you could foreshadow her decision for more of the piece. Perhaps show Brinna come close to using her magic a couple of times before realizing what it would do to her baby, and stopping herself. I also agree with Yados about the lack of detail and the extra words used to tell the story. In the overall world, I worry that the power you've shown Brinna capable of at the end is too strong. If all witches could do that, hunters wouldn't capture them and hold trials before killing them. Rather than risk that, they would probably set up an ambush with arrows and try to kill the witch outright without them knowing any better. Unless the hunters themselves have some sort of protection going on that we don't see. Also, if Brinna was so concerned about Mark having a tattoo, why not heal or obscure her own? If she was being chased, it would only make sense, and if there was a reason she didn't, it should probably come out in the text. Finally, and this is a little nit-picky, but you present Brinna and Mark at the beginning as living rustically, but Brinna grabs their papers right away when packing to leave. I expected papers to be rarer in this setting, and even if not rare, couldn't think of what would be important to someone like Brinna. I would suggest showing why they're important, or replacing it with something else. Do show her grabbing something, however; what she decided to take is a good glimpse into her character, and one you should use.

I agree with cynic on this chapter. I thought that overall it did a few things quite well. First, it showed both that Tell had money, and what he did with the money. (I agree a mention of Ayami earlier would help.) Second, I really liked the creation process of Tell doing his sketches. It started off a touch awkwardly, but by the time he was sketching possible creatures for Cern, I was into it. Third, the interaction between Surr and Tell was well-done. I thought you set up the end fairly well also, although I expected the red-hooded man to just keeping an eye on either Tell or Surr, not looking for an assassination. I can only come up with one possible nit-pick right now, and that is with the overall mood of the piece. With how Tell reacts to Cern, how the bar is presented as Tell's way of keeping his past alive, and how Surr acts and reacts to the assassin, this seems to be setting up a lighthearted adventure. On the other hand, if you were to ask me right now what the character arc for Tell is, I would guess getting over the loss of Ayami and starting to move on with his life again, instead of spending his time being brusque with clients and drinking at his recreated bar. There is a contrast between the tone I would expect for that starting point and the nearly comedic tone in the piece so far. I like the tone quite a bit, but you might want to be careful that the tone at the beginning doesn't overshadow whatever plans you have for Tell's character arc.

I read skimmed your description before reading the piece, then went back and read the description again after. Looking back on it, I'm guessing the feeling you were going for was envy. That said, you might anticipate one point of criticism from the fact I'm guessing, rather than knowing. It seemed like you tried to get some concrete details in there, but the most I'm really left with is a pair of fights/contests over hot coals. I didn't think I had enough knowledge about them to know what the stakes were, or anything like that, so I wasn't involved in the contests. I also found the timeline confusing, although looking back at the piece I'm assuming Tronno is watching the contest and reflecting on his own contest in the past. I'm not sure what other sort of advice or feedback to give. Like cynic, I though the prose was well done in parts. It might do better moved to more of a freestyle-poem type of piece, if you can get a rhythm or pacing to it that adds to the effect you want. Alternatively, perhaps with a bit more to anchor us to Tronno's viewpoint and thought process at the beginning, the rest would read better. I'm just really not sure.

Wonderful post. I'll be sure to stay on guard should I win any of the packs of lies.

You know, I've often hesitated in the past to use specific gendered pronouns unless I know the proper one for the person when using internet message boards. Your username, for some reason, slipped right past this stage and into my head as a he, and I have no idea why. This means it will probably happen again. If it does, feel free to remind me again. I can learn most things, eventually...

I actually thought the prologue was a nice little bit of writing. If it doesn't fit with the book or how you want to tell the story now, then it's a good idea to cut or move it, but I wanted to at least mention it to you. My biggest and first impression while looking back over this section as a whole is that the piece needs a good through-edit. I mean one where you (or someone like us) reads through it and marks all the points that something doesn't make sense. There were a few places where it seemed like a sentence just completely switched to a different one in the middle, if not actually switching paragraphs. Some examples: This last one does make sense, but it was phrased such that I had to read it a few times to parse it when I first reached it. Other than those, there were also places where the words and sentences could be understood, but I was somewhat confused about the whole. For example, although the prologue showed a bit of what red magic could do, I didn't get much of a sense of what Surr's goal was that he was expending the effort for. I thought his arrival at the Line was sudden, as he had just been admiring his handiwork at the beginning of the paragraph, and I didn't think the guards he killed were at his goal, just between him and the goal. Another example was the start of the first chapter, when a client wanted Till to design something, and the words used made me think architecture. I thought a bit of an idea what Till does would be handy, and later in the chapter a brief bit on what billings were (if not later important to the story, which it didn't seem that was, since apparently many people knew of them). Also, a little more background about what Till expected from everyone before hearing it from Cern might have been a little less confusing. Finally (in this vein), I thought it might be nice to know what Till anticipated from the dragon he gave to Cern rather than just see it happen, then get the reaction. I thought Till was the most relatable of the characters shown so far. I was slightly concerned about the introduction of three different characters right away (even though my last book did the same), but I've seen the later post where you say you've cut it down to basically just Till. I also enjoyed the bit about Till being in a different profession (or having a hierarchy, at least), if he could manage to produce enough gold for a thirty-foot dragon. One last note, a few phrases and comparisons caught my eye. Nothing major, but some slightly modern things that I wasn't sure I expected in what appeared to be a fantasy setting. For example, describing the elf hair as if burning magnesium... it might happen in some slightly more modern fantasy settings, but it did make me hesitate for a bit. Another example right at the beginning was Surr using "socioeconomic bias", which you may well have changed by now, and another is "mental capacity". I'm personally of the opinion that things along those lines are fine to write in the first drafts if they describe what you want, but they are things you should be aware of at least via critique, so here I am making you aware of them.

I'm going back a ways and doing some catching up here. I won't belabor the points others have mentioned, but add a few observations I didn't see yet. My first note is on potential editing. I don't know when you look to do this, but I think the piece would have worked better if it was more concise. All the action, setting, etc., but with maybe 500 or so fewer words in the piece. I think that would have had me reading along a little faster, and therefore a little less likely to take a moment to consider various potential plot holes, etc. Secondly, and going along with what others have mentioned, I think the ending could be foreshadowed better. I personally got into the story a bit with the intro, thinking it would end up being along the lines of The Dead Zone by Stephen King (mixed with Terminator). When it moved to Lizzy's viewpoint and she gets contacted, however, I started to suspect something was up, since if humanity needed saving, why warn her? However, I wasn't sure if my feelings about something being off were 1) because things were a little bit not like I expected, 2) because the first section altered the timeline to another problem and new people want it altered back, or 3) because the author messed up. Either of the first two could make interesting stories, but things weren't set solidly enough one way or another to let me know which to expect, and I think that led to some of the problems I had with the ending. One suggestion you might consider is to make the story given to Lizzy more directly conflicting with the one given to Richard. For example, if Richard is told he must kill a woman lest she cause a disaster, perhaps tell Lizzy she needs to survive because being killed by Richard leads to the same disaster. This might give the reader a better sense that at least one of the sides is not being entirely honest, which would help set up the end that neither one was. I did hesitate some to use that example, however, because I did like the implication that Lizzy's future "meet a husband and have a promised kid" was not to be, despite being something she might fight for. If I was getting the correct feel from that, I would have liked for that part to be brought out more before the reveal at the end (assuming the reveal is properly foreshadowed). Finally, on the end, I would have liked to know a bit more somehow about how Lizzy figured into things. You mention that she's terminally ill, and at the end that Richard was deathly ill also, and potentially dead in a short period of time. Was the timeline altered so that he died then? Was part of the rules of the game such that they could only choose nearly-deceased people? How nearly deceased? If within 3 days, say, that also has implications for Lizzy's result, despite her fight (that I'd like to see) for the illusory husband and child. If this was the case, casually revealing it through dialog to Lizzy would also make for an interesting variation on the title, where she finds out she is going to die within X time anyway.

Actually, a PM to Silk would probably have done the trick, but I'm sure you've got his attention now.

So, the one of the moths give Jimbo some clothes. How does Jimbo feel towards the moths after this? Does he want to try and help them? What happens to them after he is grabbed? Jimbo spends a lot of the chapter just observing things, with very little action. Even if he were convinced it's hell, most people would still try to do something to make their current circumstances better. At the start of the chapter, what does he want? How does the chapter prevent him from getting it, or make things worse for him? (OK, now the bad guy knows who he is, but how is that worse? It seems to me he was likely to have just been consumed if he had been a replicant, so he ends the chapter still captured, but still alive.) The snake was a nice touch, with us already having seen the affects of the venom a couple chapters ago.

The money part seemed odd to me. I think that it was because I wasn't given enough information to understand parts of it, or even make many guesses. Possibly, it was just all the different terms flying at once. In that section you introduce cruzeros (I can guess money from the context), rad count (a different money?), faischa (another term for cash?), the idea of Amnesty for a family, and "buying" perfection for a replicant. This was all in the first four paragraphs of the chapter proper. In addition, the concept of these people being worshiped was added (but that is common enough I can comprehend it without much effort). When Akari starts killing the replicants, I kept wondering what happened to the canister that was sticking out the end of the sword. I thought the scene with Akari and Kyle could use a bit more conflict. Also, the descriptions of the ship didn't do much for me. I was assuming, based on how things had been presented so far, that Akari knew enough about ships to be more detailed. If that's not the case, then it's probably about right for description. When Kyle objects to Akari dispatching the replicants, I thought it should have taken her by surprise. This is because I doubt she's dispatched many in front of humans before, and also she's just doing a routine. Her mind would probably be elsewhere. At least, that's what I thought, and I was expecting more of a fight, or at least more reaction. I was also expecting more reaction from Kyle to what happened. When the other crewbeings arrive, I got the impression Akari knew them from before. I would have liked a bit more description/reminisce/personality reflection on them. It also appeared that Akari just accepted them, and was glad to see them, when I would have liked to see at least one that she didn't get along with, since she apparently wasn't choosing the crew.

I agree that Jhuz should be a little more experienced looking at the ground. You can still make it a character trait, but it might need a bit more establishment. Also along the lines of making things read like they are natural, you wrote that Jhuz "flew to the top of a nearby tree". I think it might be more natural if you used a different word that many people would use for another ordinary movement, like "hopped" or maybe even just "moved'. It would emphasis how natural moving through the air is for Jhuz. The discussions with Hex are interesting, but I can't help but feel some of them are either for purposes we don't see yet, or to fill in background information that the reader will need to know eventually. For example, the details of Hex's contract and what he can/can't do. It might be better to discover that through action, such as Jhuz requesting it of him, rather than just having Hex explain. The conversation with Grishka reads like more exposition as well. On the other hand, the small details about his training and octopuses that can solve puzzles is nice. When Grishka appeared, it took me a bit to remember who he was and why he was important to the plot. If he isn't shown a lot in the other material I haven't read (other character chapters), I might suggest a small reminder of who and what he is when he reappears. I expected more description of Duko, or more of Jhuz's reaction to him. If he is a POV character, it's an ideal time to contrast and show one character by the description from the other. I thought the reason for Jhuz shivering at the end wasn't very satisfying. A couple of possible reasons occur to me. First, we don't have a description of Duko from Jhuz's perspective that was detailed enough to know that his skin was exposed (the reader may know it from previous chapters, but that doesn't mean Jhuz's chapter should skip the relevant description). Second, the stimulus-response connection is spread apart, or maybe reversed. We get the response first, then learn about the stimulus. On a chapter-ending section, I think turning that the other way around makes for a stronger ending. Finally, an overall note. What you are doing with Jhuz's memory is interesting, but I don't know how well it's going to end up in execution. The closest I can think of in another book is Memory, but Lois McMaster Bujold, where the main character (Miles) has amnesia for a lot of the book. I think it works well there because the reader already has a strong sense of the character, and can see him acting in character even without his memories, and also because the character knows he doesn't have the memories and is trying to reclaim them through the story. Here, you have Jhuz just... not know things he should know. Potentially worse, it appears to me like you're holding things back from the audience to create a similar situation for them (where if Jhuz won't remember it, you don't show it). For example, apparently Grishka talked with Jhuz about Duko, but we didn't even get the name until Hex brought it up the next morning. To me, this feels a little bit like I'm being cheated of parts of the story. Maybe in the end it will work out, but it's a concern I thought needed to be presented.

I agree with recovering_cynic that the end seems a disappointment. (Well, I agree with about everything he said, but still...) To me, the beginning sets up a problem where Aerill lost her place in the world -- her home, her position, etc. Now, she did retain some position by going to the training for Gods (a very interesting idea, btw), but she lost what she had thought of as hers. This means that by the end, I would expect her to either create herself a position similar to the old one (become a noble herself), or reconcile herself to a new position. In a way, you might argue you had the latter, but with the change in personality, it didn't work well for me. Additionally, despite the very end, it appeared that Aerill basically died, twice. Another problem I can see in the piece is that Aerill isn't very active in it at all. She does what her father says, then she does what Barryl says. The only time it appeared she acted on her own was just after she ascended, and that seemed like an out-of-control outpouring of power. The hunting added a nice aspect to her character, but in a piece this short I expected it to play more into the resolution somehow. At the end, it appeared to have nothing to do with the events, either Aerill's ascension or Barryl's activities. There was some mention of how she might have become quite a hunter, but beyond that, not much. The whole end actions of Barryl, after Aerill had been shaken apart -- how did that relate to Aerill's story? It seemed like it was tacked on to make sense out of what happened to her, plus maybe tie in to something else. Taken just as this story, I don't think it helped any. Finally, the interweaving storyline was quite confusing at first. It might improve the story, but I thought the transitions between them needed work. Especially near the beginning, I was lost about when each scene was happening as they were switched around. In a piece like this, with all the other backstory going on, I would suggest working hard to make sure there isn't any extra confusion in those parts.

This could be a strong opening scene, but it was slightly undermined the whole time by me wondering, "what did he say?" I think it's an important detail in this situation. If the words really are bad enough, they'll enhance the beginning and let the reader have a fleeting moment of "he's so screwed" before they read David's realization of the same thing. It's a minor structural thing, but I would take the sentences of the second paragraph (Margeret storming out) and put them into many small paragraphs. Maybe save the clothing description for when she's walking away, or near it, and lead with her response. Another paragraph has his response (pain across his jaw), then a paragraph for her next move (one or two sentences about her not being a slave), then his next move of noticing her vein, then her next move of another verbal assault, and his next move, etc. I think it would do two things; first, it would speed the reader through that section, similar to ripping through an argument (things spaced like back-and-forth dialog tend to do that to me, anyway), and second, it would really emphasize how his response is about seeing and describing the impressions from the fight, and not fighting back. To me, that's gold for showing who and what the character is, and you can get it well established in the reader's mind before he ever thinks to himself about how he might use it and starts scribbling notes. I thought the descriptions of his surroundings were a little long and drawn out, myself, but if you reframed it as him trying to find different ways to describe them, it might work. The transition from the pantings to the screen saver was a little jarring. The transition from the history of his kids to him suddenly being mad at them was very jarring for me. There was now buildup to them screaming or anything, and in fact I missed any reason why he would be mad on first read through. I thought he was still being nostalgic, and totally didn't understand why they were scared of him, if he was just watching nostalgically. In fact, I just re-read it again, and finally understood that this was a flashback to when they were young. I was just about to point out that the time of day had jumped from dinner to morning sun illuminating the hair to getting lost writing at night. I don't know if you were trying to show the reader that the novel world wasn't very original and David thought it was, but that was the impression I got. It appeared to me like he was obsessed and naive, thinking that his was different and it would upend the genre as it exists, while the words used to actually describe it were very common-place and generic. The description of the action in the final scene was also confusing to me. I get the gist of it, I think, but from about where she starts obliging in making him angry is when I start getting lost. She does some stuff to him, anyway (hits him some more?), and he triggers the magic, and it goes horribly wrong. I didn't understand what went wrong, especially. At first I thought he was burning her up, then I thought he was burning himself because his arms were blistering and smoking. Then I thought she was being killed somehow because of the blood and her having last words. Finally, the end wasn't particularly satisfying for me, and I think it was the last words. Why would she be sorry? He was the one who just killed her, after he'd ruined a chunk of her life. If anything, she should die calling him names, and then he slowly starves while typing away oblivious at his computer as nobody feeds him. Or something even better and more poetic that you come up with... I'm not sure what, but I'll leave it at the ending feeling incomplete or unsatisfying.

My first impressions is that there was a lot of telling going on throughout the chapter. The chapter started well, with Kyle waking up in the "hospital". I might suggest establishing a mood or emotion for him then, beyond the initial disorientation. Something to anchor to and color the next portion, because things are about to get weird (again). I liked the part with his handwriting being bad. I understand that the formality of the nurse's speech is one way to distinguish here, but it felt a little off to me. I almost wanted her to speak more normally, or to be even more obviously struggling with the English speech. I'm assuming here that she isn't a native English speaker, but that's kind of how she came across to me. I thought Kyle didn't have any motivation to go try and save his cousin. In fact, from what I've seen so far, Kyle might well say "let him rot" and want to go home. Now, there are almost an infinite number of reasons Kyle might also want to help his cousin, from family obligation to wanting to be the "hero", but I think this is a spot we need to see some of the thoughts at motivations. Additionally, I think it might be more effective if his first inclination is to say no, and maybe even says it out loud, before letting whatever other reasons push him to do it talk him into it and he goes through with it. Once the get into the port of entry, the telling really steps up a notch. In addition, the details are a mix of memorable and not. The foyer is described as a fancy governmental reception area, but what about it makes it fancy? (The elegant and understated silver posts holding signs and velvet ropes?) What about it makes it governmental? (The long lines of grumbling entities that shuffle slowly forward, inches at a time?) The other creatures are more well described, especially the lizard picking its teeth, but it is still a lot of telling. Even when Kyle reacts, you tell us that his first instinct is to reach for his gun, rather than just showing the reach for the gun, finding the empty holster. (Also, this is mentioned after the porcupine approached Kyle and was shooed. I imagine he actually would have reached for his gun before he could process things enough to tell much more than "something scary coming at me", let alone be shooed away.) I liked the shot and its after-effects, but again you describe Kyle as "he felt like he had been beaten", instead of "he hadn't felt this bad since he'd been strung up and used as a pinata (or whatever)". The Chinese language bit was also nice, and it was a particular touch of showing instead of telling. At the end, Kyle has the "pieces just fit". Now, I don't know what the various drugs they gave him were, or other aspects of the story, but it still seems an awfully quick conversion to "this must all be true". It seems especially quick in that he can suddenly understand where they are going. One final thought... I wonder if you could intermix the last chapter (with Jumbo falling) with parts of this chapter? It might be fun, it might not; I'm not sure. I was recalling how well the first one kept my attention and kept things happening with the quick cuts between the different characters. It may help with these chapters as well. Or another option might be to keep some of the transitional stuff out, and use slowly lengthening scenes to ease us into the longer chapters. Something to think about, you know, along with the other thousands of things we need to keep track of when writing.

So by the start of this chapter I was thinking that Rosalin was a mirror or fragment of Black Rose, and the bugs surrounding the village were the mental representation of the crystal she was trapped in. That meant when Black Rose started walking around a destroyed village, I was pretty sure it was the village Rosalin had been in that had been destroyed by the giant. Later in the scene, she grabbed petals out of the air, reminiscent of the rose bushes that surrounded the village. If this is intentional, good for you. However, I'm not sold on it. I'm especially not sold on it, because where did Black Rose come from? I thought she might be Rosalin's older sister, but that didn't seem to fit. I thought she might have "broken out" of the ground somewhere, or from the disturbance that was causing earthquakes in chapter 2, but that didn't seem to fit either, and seems less likely to fit with my "Rosalin is a fragment of Black Rose" idea. When the ghost appears, I started thinking that was Rosalin's older sister (I should really go look up her name, but I'm feeling lazy right now). Also, the way the movement was described -- similar to a pair from a mercenary tribe -- made me think I was mistaken there. Then at the end, I thought I must surely be mistaken, because how would Rosalin's sister know who Black Rose is, or be able to help her? So my overall critique of this chapter is that it is full of unanswered questions, which might be good, but there is little enough I can anchor on that I was confused nearly straight through. Each part was clear enough, but I was trying to fit it with what I had previously read, and it was as if the puzzle pieces kept altering their shapes as I was trying to fit them together. I kept reading, because I wanted to see how the results fit, but it caused mental fatigue. Then in the end, I didn't really get to see what fit together, or how. It is early yet, but I was hoping for at least one small answer, even if it lead immediately to a bigger question. Finally, I don't know if there's any better way to handle the beginning portion of this chapter for what you want to convey, but Black Rose is a very inactive character for this chapter, in stark contrast to the prologue. I realize the blue lights/crystals are calming her and trying to keep her passive, but it is a little harder to read about passive things than active, and somebody sitting while trying to remember things is generally fairly passive.

I kind of agree with the other two about the style. As I read the first couple of chapters, I was reminded of the middle-grade stories I used to read. Now, that's not necessarily bad; I enjoyed those books at the time, although I'm not so sure I would now. However, there doesn't seem to be anything much to set it apart either. The beginning of the first chapter is fine, as far as establishing things goes. It shows a fairly standard family, and sets the baseline for things to diverge from. The end of that chapter is where I had my biggest problem with potential plot holes. Basically, if Sam's mother was leading him to bed in these circumstances, and knew that the brothers were going to talk, and knew that Jeff had nearly spilled the (lima) beans earlier, there's no way she'd walk off without knowing what Sam was doing and where he was going. Even if she did, she'd check up on him at any time -- and he would know it. I didn't think his motivation for eavesdropping was well-developed, but even if it was he should have spent the time worried that his mom would come back and catch him at it. Also, having the door swing open for no discernible reason seemed very convenient. A minor point in the first chapter, but one that bugged me. Sam is surprised that Jeff caught a ping-pong ball inches in front of his face. Is it really hard to catch a ping-pong ball? Unless Sam's parents are world-class players, probably not. In the second chapter, I expected Sam's dad to try to get out from telling him, somehow. Jeff was very calm about the eavesdropping, but apparently his dad can't think on his feet enough to try to make some joke out of it, just like Sam is expecting. Then we get into the telling - again, similar to other stories I once read, although long and dry for me now. I also had a problem with being able to declare a battle invalid due to some legal wrangling. It sounded like the "battle" was something like a game (since his dad "humiliated [Argemone] in front of their entire race"). If that's the case, you could probably change the phrasing some to make it sound like they issued a rematch challenge, and if refused (or lost) the results of that battle are reversed from the time of the new match. I'm assuming from the build-up so far that the battle is the main reason to get Sam into space, so I'm assuming you want to keep the need for him to personally answer, whatever the cause.

First off, I was slightly disappointed to not read the continuing adventures of Rosalin. So, you know, good job with her. I'm sure we'll get back to her at some point (and if not, I'll have a few choice words about it). I thought the Dais section raised some interesting questions and mysteries, but I didn't find myself attached to Dais like Rosalin. It might be a factor of the circumstances, or it might be needing some more solid description (as recovering_cynic noted), or it might be a matter of motivations (also noted). Regarding the circumstances, I was curious also about the city and the siege management - because at first, when I heard they couldn't leave, I was thinking there was a siege or something similar in progress. We get that somewhat cleared up soon, but it still is odd. Also, other comments about peoples behavior -- the clearing of the rooftops, the increasing lack of food -- made me wonder what those in power were doing. It seemed like whatever they were doing would impact Dais and how he and others acted throughout the chapter. In circumstances like these, most of the dispossessed will be looking for someone to blame, and I would think there'd be riots before the people were so starved as to just lay down and die. (Disease seems very likely as well.) As recovering_cynic noted, following the man in the hat didn't seem to be very well motivated. I can forgive it for now, since it led to a nice mystery. I'm only slightly caught up by the question of whether Dais escapes. I'm a lot more curious about carrying dirt between the two buildings, and what that might mean. I almost hope he gets caught, so we can find out.

I agree that the long fall is a downer after the last chapter. Here, in no particular order, are some thoughts on the chapter in general: In Plot (I think), Ansen Dibell suggests that the second scene with a given character should introduce a new, likely contrasting element of that character. This is really our second "scene" with Jimbo, but we continue to see the same character from before; concerned about drugs. What does him thinking he's dying do to him? What else could be shown by these scenes? I've often heard that delusions from drugs appear more real and more valid than our own. That doesn't seem to fit with Jimbo; of course, I don't think it's a delusion either. Still, I would think he'd be more worried than he is. I also wonder that, no matter what the superficial similarity between the man on the cart and Jimbo, that he'd run out from his hiding place in all that oddness. Finally, I'm assuming the fact that he fell into a second rift is important somehow, otherwise I'd suggest trimming the first or combining them. The prescript still has me interested, though.

My primary concern for this was the contrast between Jimbo's likability and his actual actions. Maybe it is just seeing things from Kyle's view, but I don't know how likable anyone is going to be if they constantly make choices like peeing into somebody's car -- even if it is a cop car. Also, the relationship between the two should be made clear right from the beginning, in my opinion. The first change to Akari and her perspective on the action caused me to pause for a while. I wasn't sure if Akari was in the present-day of Jimbo and the rest, or the present-day of the intro text. Formatting may help, but it wouldn't hurt to have a bit about unknowing humans or people she's protecting. I actually thought she was another human, possibly military, for a good portion of her first section. I was a bit confused at Jimbo radioing Kyle during the chase, but that was a very minor point overall. Other than that, I thought you handled the transitions well. It certainly kept the pace high for the first chapter. Also, I know there can be mixed opinions on the chapter intro-text-thingies, but I thought this one worked fairly well.