cjhuitt

Welcome to Reading Excuses. Surely this isn't the first writing you've done? The prose was quite better than what I would normally expect for someone's first effort. I think you've got a lot of good building blocks to work with here. Fawlen starts out in a tense situation immediately, and as the larger situation becomes apparent we realize that it is ultimately untenable. I connected with him right away and was rooting for him to succeed in whatever it was he was planning. While inevitable, the result to the mother at the end of the chapter was also welcome. He will now not have her holding him back from whatever the story is supposed to be about, while possibly regretting the situations that led up to his mother's death. Good stuff, overall. Now, in the particulars, there are a few things I'm concerned with. I'll go through them more-or-less in story order. I liked that it was his mother that he was scared of, not his father, but it looks like you go through some verbal contortions to avoid using a gendered pronoun right at the beginning ("the unstable form", referring to the clink instead of the actions). I'd recommend going the simpler route. Did Fawlen only count to three? That doesn't seem like much to make sure his mother has passed out. He grabs a pack, and a cloak, so at this point I'm thinking he'll be leaving her tonight. In a bit, he thinks that escape is within his grasp, but then worries about the paint not being noticeable, so then I'm thinking maybe he's coming back (though I don't want him to). It might be nice to have it more clear that he will only be gone a brief time from the beginning. Also, regarding the realization of missing the cloak, I thought I'd remind you about labeling SLV on the email subject line. I don't mind, but it really jumped out here. If the tone of the rest of the novel doesn't support it, you might want to just tone the couple curse words down instead. (Also, see a couple paragraphs on about Fawlen's age.) If the cloak was a problem, why not put it in his pack or toss it down first, rather than risk climbing with it on? Also, I was not expecting it to get soaked from a simple roll through the ground, even if rain had soaked the grass recently. Damp, perhaps. Later you reference soggy ground, so it might be a good thing to make a brief mention of that here as well. The cropland hadn't been sowed since his father had died seventeen years ago. This raises several questions for me, the biggest of which is: how old is Fawlen? I would think at least seventeen (sixteen, if you stretch things a bit). In other words, old enough to be responsible for a lot of the activities around a farm. In fact, he could theoretically have been out sowing at least part of the fields himself during the day. The only reason I can think why he'd not is that his mother gets mad if he does, and I can't see a good reason why that would be. If he's younger, unless things work way differently than here, it isn't even his father that died. If he's much older, than the thoughts I had about working the farm are even stronger. He apparently knows enough to know how useful tall stalks of corn would be for getting from the house to the forest. The second question it raises is how they have survived for seventeen years with no crop. In fact, what time period does this resemble? If it's anything like feudal Europe, they wouldn't even own the land, and would only be allowed to live on it as long as they tend it and present the lord with his share of the crops. Even if they own it, how could they have been paying taxes (or tribute, or what-have-you) to keep possession of it? All these things together make me think that it might be better if the ruin had been for some lesser amount of time. 8 years, maybe, or possibly 10, and I would probably just accept it and keep reading. The longer time periods start making my suspension of disbelief get strained. A log sunk into the ground as Fawlen hopped it? I think you meant he felt it sink then hopped over it, but as written it seems like the passage of his body above it caused the log to sink. In that same paragraph, you mention "the path", "a path", and "the only path" in three sentences in a row. The way the sentences are arranged makes it read kind of awkwardly. When Fawlen gets to the magical glowy forest clearing, I'm expecting something significant to happen. Instead, he just lays around lamenting his life, then fails to keep warm and goes right back. I thought the pacing of the chapter suffered here, since I had been interested in what he was going to do with his freedom, but all I get to see is him laying on a boulder and not making a fire. Also, it is at this point (when he decides he can't leave his mother) that I realize there's going to be a fire to drive him away. "Perturbed, he decided gave up [...]" I think you probably missed something in an edit here. "As Fawlen made his way back toward his house he thought about an experience he once had with a wolf. Thinking about it [...]" Here I expected a flashback, and was actually getting all ready to say that a flashback in the first chapter is probably not the best idea. Especially on the heels of the tranquil forest scene that had absolutely nothing happen in it, because it would kill the pacing even more. Fortunately, you avoid the flashback. However, the text there reads like a classic flashback transition, so you may want to take another look at it. My biggest comment on the fire scene is just that I would have liked to see something that foreshadows the fire in the beginning of the story. Ideally, something that implies how the fire gets started in the first place. Of course, that's if it isn't giving up too much information, though it doesn't appear like it would be. Other than that, I liked the scene of him searching for his mother and pulling her out (even if it's hopeless). Finally, we have the rupture of magic (or something) at the end. From the timing, I assume it's either related to the death of his mother or the injuries he sustained finding her. I thought it was rather convenient to have him suddenly discover magic at this point that was apparently healing him (or at least erasing the pain). However, that was shortly and nicely undercut by the explosion of pain it caused him to feel when it got to his skin. In the end, I'd say it leaves a nice enough hook to leave me wanting to read the next chapter.

I was curious how many people here do NaNoWriMo? Once, sporadically, or regularly? Do you plot and plan ahead of time, or wait until the starting gun (or later) and free-write? I'm planning on doing it again, and one thing that has been helpful is a local lady runs an email planning session leading up to November, based on Michael Stackpole's 21 Days to a Novel. I tried that last year and it was pretty good, but I like switching things up for NaNo to see if I can find anything that works better. Accordingly, I've been thinking about going through the novel-planning posts on Jim Butcher's liveblog this year. Is anyone interested in doing this as well? I've found doing it with a group helps keep me doing the parts I might otherwise skip. We could have a thread for it hear (I assume), or set up something elsewhere, such as Google Docs, putting things in Dropbox, or even this IRC thing that Sad Dragon and others have talked about. November's almost 2 months away, still, but I figure it may take me a month to plan what my novel-planning method will be this year (did that even make sense?), so I thought I'd better start early.

It's been kind of quiet around here recently. Maybe I can help. I have a revised chapter 1 to send out when there's an opening for me.

I liked it. That's not going to stop me from picking a few nits, however. The weakness from Black Rose at the start of the chapter was unexpected for me, but it is welcome nonetheless. Even so, it felt just a touch drawn out. I think there might be some subtle repetition in there, between her staggering, seeing stars, stumbling, with a haze clouding her mind. Possibly not, if you intended a breathing break, but I was expecting this chapter to be more of the intense action, and it mostly was. (On a related note, I don't know that you've ever said how long this is -- and it isn't incredibly important to me -- but this feels like we're getting to either the end of the story, or to the turning point for act 3. There has been enough buildup, and now our characters are starting to collide, that it makes me feel this way. If that's not the case, it might be some cause for confusion.) I was also concerned about the statement about it taking an eternity to settle down right at the beginning. For someone who had actually spent an eternity, the feeling might be reminiscent, but I doubt it would feel the same. You might actually do better to contrast it with her wait from before, rather than liken it. Why were her arrows decapitated? If it was important, it seems like she should have examined them in more detail. If not, would she even know? (That has something to do with how they are carried. Modern quivers and classic movie quivers tend to have the head down. Really classic quivers might rather have them wrapped instead of in a tube. I don't know how she carries hers, but she might not be able to see their heads without taking them out.) It seems to me that she would toss the arrows regardless, without a bow, so why even check on them? I know that Black Rose isn't familiar with the city, but to me it seems like she'd at least know if she was wondering in circles, and it appears she did so. That is, in the last chapter when the stairs collapsed, the group was fighting a certain shifter in the square. She starts this chapter in the square, then runs off chasing Rosalin -- the shifter can care for himself. So far so good. She gets distracting helping a kid (more on that later). Hemlock burst in on her, then runs off, and she's confronted with soldiers, one of whose explosion sent her through a tent. (*)At that point, she is in the square again? The text says "to the centre of the camp", and Hemlock is there fighting. She's forced to retreat by fighting the sergeant, (*)but when she is done she is still in the square. The two places I starred struck me as not being what I expected. The first in particular, as it seems like she couldn't have been far from the camp at all, despite all that she saw and the people she interacted with between heading off and this happening. I counted on her being within a couple of blocks, sure, but not just one tent away from the square. The second may be more of a semantic thing, that when she was forced to retreat, I thought it meant away from the square. This could be a very simple fix, of course. This sentence confused me. I think you might be missing some punctuation: (I warned you: they're nits.) I'm with Trizee in wondering why Hemlock wouldn't know about the spears, and with Mandamon in wanting just a bit more detail about the usage of the paths in this chapter. Here we have the POV of an actual practitioner, so it would be nice to get a few of the details. Especially ones that might play out in the climax, so we don't need to have them there. I liked the overall interaction with Hemlock in this chapter, and the way she both seems to dislike him and yet helps him (possibly for his own help in return). I also liked the tension of them arguing at the end, but I would rather have seen it play out as they were escaping, not after. Save the change and the "I can track anything" for after they (think they) have escaped. Finally, Black Rose helping the kid. I saw you had her try to reason herself into not bothering with the kids, then helped them anyway. Normally I would applaud a tool like this, but in this case I thought it fell a little flat. I think most of my reason is because I didn't see anything in her that would make her want to stop and help them. She just stops and does it. I kind of wanted some sort of reason for her -- big bad mean Black Rose, the Thorn of the West, to stop and do so when she had more important objectives to be working on. However, give me that -- plus maybe even crank up the reasons why she shouldn't by putting a personal fear there, the fire for instances -- and I'll be right there with you on this one.

Regarding the crystal swords, I assumed this was a metal-is-rare story, which I've generally liked, and that the crystal was the substitute of choice. I personally thought there was enough indication of a different/magical type of crystal when the story mentioned a growth of them in a cave, since crystals don't usually grow. However, I do think the rules of the types of crystal blades could be set out sooner and do some good. The first I recall learning about it was a brief thought from Link that a blade capable of cutting through emerald would be powerful. However, the Ki Sain section overwhelmed any absorption of that concept, for me, so I was quite surprised when the king's emerald blade was able to shatter the quartz blades of the attackers. I figured that the ruby, sapphire, and emerald blades were progressively rarer, and maybe made better, but it didn't occur to me until it happened that there might be another effect involved. If the rules for this are made clearer earlier on, that would also help set up the tension when he is attacked by people with vastly inferior blades. Even Link only has a ruby blade. Speaking of ruby blades, Link takes his out above the cave, and reference is made to how it caused a nice glow. Also, there is reference to seeing the jungle spread out underneath them while on the mountain. Together, these two things make me doubt that Link's men could hide from the king's guards all that well. Why didn't Link help his men fight the king? In addition to that, why use such poor tactics? If the king was already near the ground without his sword drawn, just tackle the man and execute him. (Now I've got Austin Powers scenes in my head. Scott: "I have a gun in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM.") Also near there, when Link indicated to his men to take the king, you wrote that he "nodded to his men, sliding the sharp end of his blade across his throat." It took me a little bit to figure out that you meant he indicated he wanted them dead, not that he had slit someone else's (or his own) throat. I did appreciate how Link spun the fact that he was hanging back in the fight, even though I don't think that's the smartest thing to do. In fact, if Link was smart at all, he would have waited until the king was occupied (possibly with his sword stuck in somebody's body) and snuck around to get the really powerful sword. Other than the bit about the crystal blades, I would echo almost everything Asmodemon said as well. Pretty much everything he wrote occurred to me while I read as well.

You should definitely clarify that the location Iraisa and the Grumr are in is not very full, because that was one of the first things that caught my attention; supposedly, the Grumr is so terrifying and whatnot that he can't just show up at this island like a normal person, but has to sneak in. Even so, Keth just ran into the lake area shouting his name, and there wasn't any other reaction. There are parts where you have a lot of duplicate words, saying more or less the same thing. An example paragraph, with me adding some bolding: Not all of the story has this repetition, by far, but it is something to look out for. I was nearly thrown from the story when Iraisa, in her POV, identified cheshires as the ones shooting at Keth and his companions. Then when she demonstrated further knowledge of them and how little the handgun was damaging them, I was about ready to really freak out about the POV error. I then read further and saw it was explained (kind of), but I think you will probably want to hang a lantern on that one. At the time, I suggest she should quickly wonder how she knows what they are and so much about them, but save the reflection for after the danger is past. Also, knowing what she looked like from the cheshire's perspective is indeed a POV error. The snapping turtle that Keth summons: that's another thing that Iraisa may not know, but it's subtler. Also, although I was able to figure out that it was a fully-identified type of turtle, at first I thought you had accidentally left the alligator in from a previous draft or something. The Grumr continues to reveal far too much, like how much healing cost him. I feel he should be masking his problems in front of a group of strangers like that. I agree that the train platform thingie isn't well described at first. I thought it might be some kind of raft that they were using to float away unnoticed. In chapter 10, you refer to the Grumr as "the Grumr" in his own POV. It's somewhat unexpected that Iraisa can feel more trouble coming. I hope that has something to do with the kind of people chasing them, and is not a general spidey-sense. The history of Iraisa's world does indeed read like an info-dump. It's not bad, necessarily, but it does slow things down a lot. I would suggest something to add tension -- either conflict between them, or something else that they are working on or doing while the explanation is going on. In the final sections, you continue to have subtle POV errors. One example is when Keth fell asleep and "didn't wake again for more than half a day", but the section that presents this is from his POV. Another possible one is when the Grumr knows that Iraisa is hurt by Keth saying he wanted to leave them. Despite all the problems I just listed, I'm still curious to see how the story goes, so you still have the core working pretty well.

Ditto. One quick note I haven't seen mentioned, right around here: I got confused as to who was speaking what lines. You might want to scan through it and make sure it's clear who says what. (My eventual guess was Taez said the first quoted part, but Coz said the second.)

I just finished reading this version, and I'd say it's improved a lot over the previous one. My biggest problems have been brought up already, and tend to revolve around keeping the tension, and the silliness of the mother's plan. On the latter, if Isaac's parents had thought ahead enough to have a plan in case they get mobbed, and that plan includes one of them staying behind to buy time for the others, why would it not also contain ideas for how to prevent the situation, using the time machine if necessary? I mean, it could be as simple as leaving a red handkerchief on the bookshelf the day before it happened, telling the whole family to retreat to the time machine.

Some of the good: Action! Danger! Fighting! Damsel (kid) in distress! This chapter has a lot going for it, which may (if the pace keeps up) make up for some of the slow pace of the chapters before it. Serissa dies! Hurray! (You might be able to tell she had ceased to be a rooting-interest character, unless you count rooting for a bloody death. Oh, look at this, a present for me!) Rosalin's potential danger of letting Rosen take control once more. I thought this could be developed just a touch more, however (depending on how much of a thing it is later in the book). I even like the fact that Rosalin might feel some guilt for the way Serissa died. It may be an authorial perspective, but her death may have an additional bonus I hadn't anticipated before now. Cook! Rosalin with an actual weapon. A near meeting of Black Rose and Rosalin, with stronger indications than ever before that there's something going on between the two of them. Some of the bad: It may have just been the blocking, but I didn't think it likely that Dias had moved so much as to let him go from at Ixia's side (at the end of the previous chapter) to across the pavilion from her, such that the beast could be between them. I didn't care for the end of the chapter either. It felt like a (not quite cheap)-trick at this point. I think there are enough questions going on about what is happening that having an extra hook at the end of the chapter is unnecessary. Some of the ugly: I thought the opening paragraph had a couple places that were less than clear. Especially in a scene opening like this one, you want to keep the text clear and flowing quickly. When Rosalin joins the fight, she lays Serissa back down. By this time, I had forgotten Rosalin had even picked her up -- if I ever knew. I just double-checked, and the best I could find was "Rosalin pulled her close". You might want to look at these two spots and make it more clear. And finally, some ambivalence: I'm not sure what I think about Amaryllis showing up just right here, with a handy weapon. It seems quite convenient, but I'm withholding judgement until I read more.

A quick review from me, as I catch up. I think the others covered most of my issues, so I'll just summarize a bit. Large scale, I like the story concepts and settings overall. It continues to be fun to see what is happening. Medium scale, I share some concerns I think I expressed in the last section about how it is moving, and I think in these chapters things end up seeming kind of haphazard. The biggest example of this is Keth at the end of one chapter saying he couldn't run out on the other two since he owed The Grumr his life, and then the next chapter opens with him trying desperately to get transport off the island, which for all appearances is him abandoning the others. I imagine a good chunk of this is due to the writing process, and will hopefully be resolved with a good edit. Small scale, I continue to need to stop and reread sentences to figure out exactly what is being said. It's early in the process, but bear in mind you'll need to find and fix those places before widespread circulation of the story, because many people won't put up with the confusion to get to the story being told.

First of all, I hope my comments aren't coming too late to help. Overall, this seemed a lot like a transition chapter, where we are reminded that the characters inside the town are all together and the next move is being planned. However, it seemed a little bit off to me as well. Part of it may have been the already mentioned dialog. Another part, to me, is the change in scenery from what I remember. Now, I'm not going to entirely vouch for my memory. However, I recalled the pavilion as more of a refuge from the problems in the rest of the city: ways blocked off, and armed members guarding the ways in and out. However, from the start here the members of the group are being watched, heckled, and threatened by a group of feral kids. That doesn't seem to match with what has gone before. It might make sense, in a drawn-out siege, but it took away from the sold-seeming reality I hope a story creates in my head. I did like hearing about the rumors, although unless I've missed something, I wonder if the phrasings in a few of the early paragraphs are properly punctuated. Another part of the reason it seemed off is that I didn't get a good feel for why Dias was acting the way he did early in the chapter. He's the POV in this chapter, so that doesn't bode well for relating to the chapter overall. Two things stand out in particular, related to this. The first is that Dias spends the beginning 2.5 pages observing what others are doing, rather than doing anything himself (except for one internal whine about not having his father). The second is when he decides to speak to Senna and Kal. I didn't see any reason why he made himself do so at this time. After all, once someone has put something off once, it gets easier to put that thing off again (aside to self: like, say, catching up on critiques). Also, like Jack the Halls mentioned, there is little emotional variation. I recall some, and looking at it, I can see hints of more, but i didn't really stand out to me. I did like the bargaining with Rosalin, although I felt it came at too cheap a price for Dias. He's basically buying help to get his father back, which has been his primary goal for the book. Maybe if there was more of an emotional connection with the dagger (or if there is, if he reflected on it before making the deal)? Why was Dias gaining confidence as he walked towards the source of screaming? That didn't seem right, either. Related, I read the phrase "like deer caught by plain cats" to indicate normal, or household, cats, instead of presumably big cats that live on the plain. A final thing that seems off about Dias, at the end of the second page he reflects that "children shouldn't know such expressions". Maybe I got something wrong, but I didn't remember him being that much older than (my visualization of) the children he was reflecting on. To me, that reflection made him seem much older. One other, last note about the phrasings. At the beginning, the phrase "lending a renewed sense of urgency to the refuge" parses oddly to me. I might humbly suggest "to the people in the refuge", or something similar, because it's odd to me to thing of a refuge itself having a sense of urgency.

I'm OK with longer entries right now. Despite me having a bit of a backlog to read over, it doesn't seem like we're being overwhelmed with submissions.

I think the others covered most of my thoughts on the content of the chapter, so I'll just mention a few things about the style. The detective stories I've read generally have a stark tone to them, noir or not. (Mostly noir, though). As a general observation, most of the sentences in this chapter were long and complex, with multiple phrases in each sentence. If you are going for a starker tone, I think this detracts from the feeling. Shorter, more declarative sentences would help, although of course you can go overboard that way as well. For example, you wrote: This could be recreated as: Now, I tried to just use your words in a different style, but undoubtedly some of my own style leaked through. Still, hopefully the contrast is useful. Also, per Asmodemon's observation, I'll repeat the two with the "had"s emphasized: The descriptions seem a little hit-and-miss. For example, the pillow clad basket for the dog, but the Miss Gray was just "the stunning human lady", with soot-less shoes and a fancy ring. We don't get a description of the shoes or the ring, and this is one way that detectives (or other characters) can look smart -- or at least competent -- to the reader: by having the reader get the details as well, then the character interpret them properly. In this case, we don't know enough about the environment to remark on those things, but it's not necessarily a bad idea to start establishing that pattern; show the details, then deduce something from them. My last style observation is a general one, and I mention it often because I think it is important, and that is removing extra words. You certainly don't need to do so at this stage in the game, but I think that would make the chapter flow more quickly and get us in and (hopefully) hooked by the last part of the chapter before we start thinking about how similar this is to other detective setups. Finally, one nitpick of the believability aspect. The note that Miss Gray finds: would it really have Eral's name on it? Maybe you need it to be that way for plot reasons, but it seems the name is unnecessary, and could be too specifically damning if the wrong people find it. Besides, how many people are going to see a note left in the middle of the table in Eral's apartment? Generally speaking, probably only Eral. I'll end by echoing Asmodemon on the end of this chapter being a good hook.

Regarding the name thing, I was thinking something like "Tellanath entered with his son Zerath, who would one day inherit the lordship, and the 'Tel-' prefix to his name." Smarter readers will get the hint and figure out the connection between Lanath and Tellanath. The others will find out in a chapter or two, and could then look back at the hint and think they could have figured it out. It makes the story seem a little more immersive when a reader knows enough to be figuring stuff like that out on their own. Of course, you could make it a little easier yet if there was a defining characteristic of each presented in the prologue, then mentioned again with the description of each character (with their new name) in the first chapters. You could read about tags and traits here (near the bottom) on Jim Butcher's blog, which is the sort of thing I was thinking about. Caleb

Despite everyone else apologizing, I'm getting this reviewed well after they did. Is there a prize? First of all, I have to say I like the background and setting for this, although I agree that it would be nice to see a bit more of the physical setting via description in the text. (The occasional small description of minor ideas would be nice as well). From here, it looks like you have a solid background (though I knew that from your prior submission) and setting, with some thought in the details that makes it different. The pacing was good, and by the end I was left wanting to read more. However, despite everything going for it, I almost stopped reading due to one factor. I'll admit right up front that this can be easily solved in revision, and shouldn't be a problem for the critique, but I noticed it multiple times. That is, many sentences have commas that seem to break the flow of the sentence awkwardly. Some examples: In each of these (and others), it appears you are adding in an aside or explanatory text but missing the punctuation to indicate you are returning to the main idea. Each time I encountered one, I had to re-read it a couple times to figure out what was going on. This, combined with many other longer, more intricate sentences, seemed to slow the narrative. This was a sufficient contrast to the content of the first chapter that together, they nearly made me skip the chapter, or at least skim it for useful information. Enough of that. There were some other places where I thought you could use a bit more clarity or add some information that would help the reader out. Name changes: I feel we need to know about the changed names soon, if not right at the very beginning. I think that would connect the prologue to the book more strongly, plus show that enough time has passed that both of the characters have inherited their houses (and had children). Aiden: At first, I thought he was one of the brethren Dalen was talking about. A bit more about him standing out (and their previous relationship) at this point would be beneficial, I think. Additionally, you might be able to work in the background for the name change. Andu Staff: I'd like more description of it beyond half/half and unbalanced. In particular, how is it unbalanced? What makes that better than a balanced weapon? Pair of blades: Dalen thinks this at the end of his Krathsteel fight. However, I don't know if he is wielding one or two. Everything else is written as one, but this part makes me confused. Quick End: I realize you need to keep the story moving, but to me it appears abrupt that the Kellanath would abruptly declare the competition over after only having seen half of the mentors. Along with the emphasis on tradition, it seems he would at least allow Dalen (and possibly Celias) to still be challenged by the others. You might resolve this by having a traditional recognition of the best of the blade masters present by the other masters themselves, therefore having them cause the challenge to be done quickly. (Something like this also establishes Dalen's credentials by his peers.) Stimulants: I thought this was a good idea, but would suggest adding a bit of hesitation to Aiden before ingesting them. Something to hint at it being a bad idea to just take them willy-nilly. Rosoa's talk: To me, this seemed out of place and the closest thing to info dumping. The pacing survives somewhat, because it's good to have somewhat confrontational discussion, but the content didn't do anything for me. The others make some good points as well. Finally, regarding Dalen's illness, I think if you show his mortality being on his mind at least once or twice in his chapter, that might be enough to not make Aiden's thoughts come out of the blue. There are hints, I think, but perhaps if it was more explicit.

I think he has. There are two potential problems. The first I mentioned before, where he doesn't have to try again because something else moves him toward the goal he wanted. The second potential problem is that his failures haven't had much lasting detrimental impact, at least not that I can tell. True, his hand has changed somehow, but so far that has appeared mostly as a benefit, since it allowed him a stronger shadow person thing summons, and to communicate with someone "speaking" a totally unknown language. True, he was captured, but here it is one chapter later and he's loose and being assisted by his captor. As I said before, I have something of the same problem at times. My main character will set out to solve a problem, encounter a setback, then set out to solve the setback, encounter another one, set out to solve that, etc. The problem is, somewhere along the line the original goal gets lost, and when everything resolves at the end, it seems to neat. Now, I think that sort of thing can work as a subplot of a longer story, but I don't know if it can hold a main plot. Not for my stories so far, anyway.

I don't really have a lot to add over the other comments, but I wanted to reinforce that the setting is good for me as well, and at this point it looks like you have the pieces and backstory for a decent story. The various magic systems are fun as well. I do want to echo one worry, which is that everything seems to be happening a little too easily. I'd suggest referencing the WE episode on try-fail cycles. (I can't remember which one. Maybe it was a Q&A?) This is something I have a problem with also. For example, Keth tries to escape and fails here. That's good, but he doesn't have to try again, really. Due to nothing of his own doing, he's still headed in the direction he presumably wants to go, with what appeared to be an antagonist (from his POV) helping him out. The Grumr doesn't even seem to fail, although that part of it may be due to his hardened-agent status. Even so, it would be good to see him have a plan that fails somehow, causing him to try again.

One of the things I noticed while reading was how casually Black Rose mentions the source of the pull on the paths. My impression from the last time she tried to use the paths was that it was a disorienting amount of shifting -- if you'll allow me to reuse the word -- but I didn't recall a sense of stability or direction to it. I may not be remembering properly, of course, but if not, I would suggest a bit more explanation here about her experiments leading to that discovery, plus the direction of the source of the pull. I felt like I should know the girl in the white dress (and in the above comments, you mention it's Amaryllis. As you note, you haven't stated in text that she is a shifter, but more importantly to me, I don't recall many (any) hints that she could do magic, so that feels like a bit of a reveal for me. More importantly, however, my mental map of characters places her firmly in the city, so I wasn't able to identify her myself. Of course, she doesn't take the time to properly identify herself to Black Rose, either. Now, it's possible that if I read the chapters more closely together, I might be able to piece together the hints to determine who she is, but as just reading the chapter, I wasn't able to. A beta reader or two, reading the whole thing at once, would probably give you better feedback on if the connection needs reinforced or not. On a more general note of writing style, I found this representative sentence fragment: "The soles of her boots touched the wall clumsily...". I think, looking at this, I've figured out what has been a very mild, but present, annoyance throughout some of the chapters. The sentence describes a portion of a character doing something in a certain way, and I think it happens every so often in your writing. This is probably a personal preference thing, but to me, that gives too much agency to the portion or part of the person, rather than the person has a whole. To go with this example, if I stumble over a crack in a sidewalk, I don't think that my feet stumbled, I think that I did. Nor do I think the feet were clumsy; rather, I think that about myself as a whole. Further reflection leads me to wonder if those sentences are a natural part of your writing, or if you intentionally change to them in order to vary the otherwise similar sentences? Or for some other reason? I'll also quickly note that the sentence is an small example of showing instead of telling, so in this case it jumped out at me even more, since I feel the same effect could be had by saying she stumbled as she stepped onto the steady rock at the top of the wall (or some such). Additionally, shortly after that you have a paragraph where the first sentence talks about the soil of the plain reforming normally when she stopped magicking it, and then follow it with the rest of the paragraph being about Black Rose getting shot by arrows. In fact, the next whole portion is about the arrow fighting. It seems like the first sentence should be on its own somewhere, or a part of the previous paragraph, or something. Finally, at the end, we have Black Rose setting out on her own business again, instead of the war leadership stuff. I think that promises interesting plot possibilities that may be on their way.

As often happens, Asmodemon has said what I wanted to, and more clearly to boot. I did notice a few other things. First, "it’s citizens concerned only with their next meal....": it's should be its. Small, but it caught my attention and annoyed me. In the beginning, the two turn to face each other a lot. I especially noticed this when they got close to the manor house and suspected something. Wouldn't they rather turn away from each other at that point, and examine the area, rather than look at each other? Presumably, friends like these would trust the other to guard their back in a suddenly suspicious area. "black lines creating intricate patterns along the length of the blades." This is really a nit to pick, but are the lines actively moving and creating the patterns? Or are they laid out in intricate patterns? I assume the latter, but in the beginning of a fantasy novel, I can't discount the former, and the way it is written makes me lean that direction. While I have the same suspicions on the twinblade's behavior that Asmodemon mentioned, if he is still to be found in a bar, I suggest skipping the intermediary bar. IMO, it both adds extra to the characterization of the two people in the prologue, which we don't need, and it also slows down the action when it should be moving along on the gut-wrenching note of Lanath having to mercy-kill his sister. If the twinblade is to be found in the pub, I suggest having one of the two realize that's where he was headed, then skip right there. Take the reader to the fight scene while their blood is hot for vengeance. A POV error was mentioned before, but I would suggest that the POV could be brought into a tighter third-person. For example, instead of "The two friends’ eyes met," I would suggest "Lanath met his friend's eyes," which focuses the attention on the POV a bit more. Likewise, there might be a POV error here (rage surging through them) and a few paragraphs further on (Lanath and Ganril knew no fear... they felt only rage.) Although looking at these a bit closer, I wonder if third-limited POV is really what you intend for this, or have I mistaken it? I'll re-emphasize the blocking for the fight, and the techniques involved. Depending on how they were trained, I would expect Lanath and Ganril to move more during the fight. (Traditionally, infantry were trained to hold position and fight together, in order to cover for each other and not allow a gap in the lines. Individual fighters, on the other hand, trained to move forward and back, side to side, to position themselves advantageously compared to the other opponent, rather than standing in one place to fight them. This is especially true for one man fighting two, no matter how much more capable that one man is.) Also, most fights with movement will usually involve a good amount of footwork and feints, feeling out the opponent, because if you make a mistake it will likely be your last. Traditional training for fencing would sometimes involve months of footwork before even holding a blade, to get the feel for positioning and movement, and then would train for a year or more on foil, which emphasizes defensive actions, for that very reason. All this is apart from the differences that the different blades would create, and Aminar is absolutely right about the way that would affect the techniques. This is all absent magical (or even cultural) reasons for the difference, of course. Also, it could potentially be solved by fading out a little more and blurring the actions, rather than getting more detailed and working on those; that is, describe how Lanath feels and what he thinks during the fight, rather than the blocking, except where it's absolutely necessary, and allow the reader to imagine that all three know how best to use their weapons. If this is the main swordfight, or one of a few that don't end up bearing majorly on the plot, I might suggest that approach. On the other hand, if there are going to be a lot of sword fights, or the fights are pivotal, you will probably need to describe them as best you can, and make some friends who know about sword fighting to help you out. (I know enough to realize my general ignorance in all but a few special areas.)

I felt this as well. It could be a difference between when I read chapter 2 and chapter 3, but this time I found myself annoyed by a number of the info-dumps. I suggest paring down to the minimum possible, and relying on alpha and beta reader feedback to tell you when things don't make sense anymore. I might also recommend spreading the information out a little more, although you generally do a good job at this. The other thing is that sometimes, I feel a one-sentence explanation -- or even a fragment of an explanation -- would help a lot in understanding the world in general. About the prologue, I thought it was mostly unnecessary -- but then again, most prologues are. My biggest question in reading it was why the wheels were spinning? Is it an affectation, or does it still contribute to propulsion in some way? Other than that, it's a reasonable intro, but nothing spectacular. I might suggest that it actually be wrapped in with chapter 3, and consider having most of chapter 3 become chapter 1. I'm not yet sure exactly where this is in the chronology of the story, although the brief bit with Roman (which should wait) does offer clues, but I don't think it would be too confusing. If it were me, I'd try leaving the second chapter the same, then put the S.O.M. third (with the bit with Roman on the end of either chapter 2 or 3). I say this because I think chapter 3 provides a better, more immediate hook with Jo's conflicts, then Oti's desire to run away adds drama to the presence of Oil Spot. Following up with chapter 3 then presents a clear obstacle to Oti and Roman's plans, likely continuing past their attempted getaway on the rig. Of course, that's all offered without knowing where the story is going after these chapters. I could be off base there. On a more technical side, I had problems with the very beginning of chapter three. I wasn't sure at first who the POV character was. I had thought it was Sakuma, since (s)he spoke first, and the response from Jo with a forced smile, I thought was something that Sakuma was able to see was forced. It didn't help that the names aren't incredibly gender specific, so in the third paragraph when a man presses up against her, I still thought the "her" was Sakuma (with Jo being male). I started getting kind of confused at the end of that paragraph, which continued until the second page, after the discussion of chaperones. I then had to go back and re-read, which I did starting from the 4th paragraph, and it didn't help me; it left me still more confused. Finally I reread the beginning from the start, and figured out where I had gone wrong, and then things started making a lot more sense. This should be fairly straightforward to fix, though I personally think it's important to eventually fix. Other than that, I think the others have it covered for what I noticed (and didn't notice, when I saw the story rather than the prose).

My opinion is that the writing is getting better, and I'm getting some more interest in the story. However, there are a number of things that could still be improved. First, the good. The magic seems decently thought out, and so far is presented in such a way that I don't have any problems with it yet. Bearing in mind it's early yet in the story, I would echo that we don't yet have a real idea of costs, or of what it can do (other than some pretty spectacular effects), my only concern there is that the ending doesn't hinge on something we don't know about the magic at that point. The dialog is also good, where it exists. I would echo the recommendation to add more dialog, at least in some sections. It will make the apparent pace go faster. Some suggestions I have for improving include my ever-present suggestion to trim, or tighten the wording. One example near the beginning, "Moments later a massive and scaly mass bumped into Keth’s right hand..." (emphasis added). I would suggest that having both these are unnecessary, and the first one could be removed. I might further recommend trimming by removing the "right" from the sentence (possibly moving it earlier, since which hand isn't mentioned until here). I would also suggest a slightly more active wording than "bumped into". That would leave a sentence more like "Moments later a scaly mass jarred Keth's hand", or "Moments later Keth's hand hit a scaly mass" (although the second one does slightly change the feeling of what has the momentum). I would also suggest paying a little closer attention to the blocking. Most of the time I was able to relatively easily follow what was supposed to be happening, but not all of it. In particular, right at the beginning when he is being dragged into the portal, it took me a bit to realize that's what was happening. A little confusion with the Dex/Grumr/dinosaur actions, and when the explosion on the ship happened. Some other things that occurred to me: I'm not sure that Keth would necessarily recognize a T-Rex, especially if it had tiger stripes, so I might suggest just calling it a big(ger) dinosaur from his POV. I'm not sure how effective belt tourniquets are, but that may be because I'm assuming a modern psuedo-leather belt, which would wrap so many times and overlap so much as to not likely provide much of a tourniquet. Still, I suppose it's better than nothing. A fabric or rope one may be better in that regard. I thought the Grumr's thoughts regarding Kit kind of came out of nowhere at the end of the excerpt. Finally, I don't think this sentence says what you mean it to: "The deep blackness of unconsciousness threatened the edge of his vision, calling him away, but Keth resisted fighting." Remember to show not tell where possible. In many places, I noticed telling the emotions of the POV character, rather than showing them. Still, I didn't note any direct tells of other character's emotions, so that is good. Finally, I think the quick cutting back and forth hinders the reading for this stage of the novel. Especially when bouncing between two character's POVs, and trying to remember where and what each was doing. For this part, I think you could probably cut out a few of the POV sections, and fill in more detail on the others to make them feel like more substantial chunks. Alternately, you could reshuffle to combine them. I know I normally suggest chronological sections, but the capture and ship-explosion are unique enough events that they should be able to maintain the chronology in the user's mind while reading through two sections actually happening in parallel.

I'll start with the end. I noticed you said you've had some problems working on it, and in my opinion it was one of the weakest parts of the piece. For me, it was because I didn't feel like there had been any payoff. The fact that he didn't, in fact, successfully get the drug kind of reinforced the feeling, to me, but mostly it was because I didn't get any sense that the main character had accomplished anything, or been forced to accept much of anything. Now, the good news is I can think of a few ways it might be improved. Fundamentally, they all come down to some concepts from WE, primarily relating the ending to the beginning in as many ways as possible. The MICE episode is one that I'm thinking of, and I think it's been referenced in others. A few ideas: Similarity in position. For example, he could be sitting at the opening (forgive me if he is, but I recall him being ushered into his room) and lamenting that he wants to escape, and finally not have to sit around waiting for others. Then in the end, of course, he's escaped, but still has to do basically the same actions. Unexpected fullfillment of desire. If he has a goal to (eventually) remove the rest of the prisoners and guards, have him realize the job is done because everyone else had been "forgotten". Confrontation or reconciliation with the idea he's not the most important person there. This one seems especially lacking to me, because there seems to be a lot of evidence pointing at this, yet he seems to continue on the assumption that he is the most important person there. A couple more things about the ending. First, I didn't realize that everyone else had been smoked before reading it here in the comments. Also, I was kind of confused about who was providing the voice in Prot's head, since it seemed to be mostly associated with the guard, and doesn't appear after the guard disappears from the story. Now, a note on the ashing and Prot's desire to kill. I actually thought it might be more humorous if the trend of some people becoming ash before he could kill them continues for all of the people he tries to kill. Going by memory, the only one he succeeds in killing outright is the doctor, and it seems to me that could make for some amusing frustration if Prot realizes then that he is unable to kill them. That could also add to the end, since he was contemplating killing the fat guard and it turns out that guard turned to ash also. It may even make Prot slightly more likeable, if he doesn't actually kill anyone on screen. I have to say, there were many good humorous places in the story, and I did enjoy this line in particular:

i'm rather late on my feedback for this, but I wanted to chime in with my thoughts as well (see, I'm really being selfish by doing thing). I agree with most of what others wrote, and will try not to rehash too much. Overall I found the narrator (and his voice) amusing, but potentially over-the-top. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, since without it some of the stuff he thinks is rather disturbing, but it is a potential drawback. Along the same lines, I'll just mention the saying that "brevity is the soul of wit" and just leave it at that. The biggest negative I noticed is clarity. I thought it started off well in this regard, setting a decent scene by interspersing information with action, but as the piece went on, I found some places that the progress became confusing. For instance, the transition from cells to frozen maze seemed a little sudden. The rest of my issues I think would be resolved with another few rounds of editing.

One of my first impressions from this is that there is a lot more world building in this chapter than in the first one. However, a lot of the world building came across, to me, as a (pleasant version of) an info-dump. Most of the beginning is about the monks, and the pressure related to "drugs", and what-not, and why Roman enjoys his job. The occasional words he actually says serve to break it up some, and it does help reinforce how he can do his job by rote and think about other things, but it still seems a little info-dumpy. There is more interaction between people as well, which improves the beginning of the story. I notice that this one technically goes back in time before the first chapter, although it's hard to critique it too much, because it doesn't stand out and it doesn't really cause any difficulties in understanding the order of events. However, it did give me a bit of a pause when Oti appears and Roman didn't seem to know her, since in the first chapter we see them interacting and learn that she had been visiting often. However, it is cleared up eventually, and like I said, it didn't really through me off too much. However, it may be something you'll want to be aware of as a potential speed bump for the reader. I wasn't too surprised by the turn of events that Oti was supposed to befriend someone out there, but it was a little surprising to learn that it had been a class lesson (or experiment), instead of a dare by one of her classmates. Of course something had to happen to make the relationship not work out as it appeared. However, I wasn't completely sold on Roman's reaction. I think a little bit more introspection when he finds out may help things out a little bit. Also, there was what may be considered a POV error: Since the chapter is in Roman's POV, he may not know the last part. (Also, are you sure guile is what you mean? Perhaps bile instead?)The desire to run away is also somewhat standard here, although I didn't think that was a bad thing. Oti seemed to have a decent reason for wanting to run away, anyway, although with her resources I would think she might be able to have a plan beyond "leave". Perhaps we get that in a future chapter? Overall, I have to say that the world building really stands out so far as the most enjoyable part of the story (even with the semi-info-dump presentation). I'm eager to learn more about the world and how it works, which is a good thing. I assume in the next chapter or two, we learn more about the Great Library, and having it presented in terms of a sinister organization is interesting. The monks training lawyers and what-not is another really interesting aspect to the story, as is the reference to food as "drugs" (although I still think that one could be a bit better explained in the first chapter). The part that is lacking for me so far is the hook to get me reading further. Right now, I'm not particularly attached to the assassin from chapter 1, to Roman, or to Oti. While the assassin and Roman have interesting backgrounds and situations (and Oti might as well, but we don't know as much about her), and they have some goals, they don't have the barbed hooks in me that makes me want to read and find out what happens to them next. Granted, I'm not disliking them, so I'm not saying I'd be putting the book down and stopping here either. It's just something to be concerned about. The other one item of potential concern has more to do with the plot. In this chapter, most of the background and plot, while well-presented, are somewhat common. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who has to have originality in all of my books; I love Simon R. Green stories, for one, and yet a lot of those stories end up sounding kind of similar to one another.) However, the concern I have is that it will hang together well enough to be satisfying in the end, along with all the other things that are going on. In fact, some of the Simon R. Green stories may be a good analogy, because a few of them I can think of are wonderful on the world-building and a little light on the plot, but they are still fun. So in the end, I have nothing bad to say about the plot so far, but maybe a few qualms about problems that may be looming in the future chapters.

I think Yados hit most of the points I picked out already, but here are my thoughts, a mix of already observed and some that may not have been said yet. IMO, the prologue doesn't add anything to the story as we've gotten it so far. Also, I felt the description was uneven For example, are the stairs he's climbing at the beginning crumbling, or still solid? Cobwebs, or clean? Drafty? Stuffy? And the person climbing, is he exhausted from fighting his way through? Bloody? Bounding? Solemn? Was he even part of the fight? Did he want to leave if he was, or does he regret leaving his comrades, but thinks it's necessary? The description we do get is of the entrance portal. Also, it has one of the aspects I sometimes get annoyed by, and it seems to be in early drafts of novels a lot more than published ones: an apparently nameless person doing something. On the other hand, at least it is short. Another, technical aspect I noticed was a small number of sentences where I felt the structure could be switched (and you'd maybe save a few words as well). For example, these are both sentences that start different paragraphs in the prologue: Granted these examples may not save you any words, but I would have expected "The cloaked man walked deep into the mountain", and "He raised his blade above his head". Of course, if that's the style you like, there's nothing wrong with the occasional sentence like this. I just thought you should be aware of it if you were not. Also, the last sentence I quoted, I'm not sure if it needs to be mentioned that he watched the blade slowly turn white. Since this is presumably from his POV (or at least, the next couple chapters are 3rd person limited, I assume the prologue is also), everything is assumed to be what he sees, feels, or thinks. Chapter 1 can be summed up basically by Aiden returns home to his room, thinks about his brother, and reads a story from a book. The excerpt from the book, or the summary of the story, caused me some problems. If it is going to be here, I suggest putting it in a separate, italicized block, rather than inline as Aiden reads it. Overall, though, as others have noted, this chapter has no tension or anything to draw the reader on, which isn't exactly what you want from the first chapter to a novel. Chapter two is a little more interesting, in that there's at least the potential for conflict. However, it seems like Zerath was more or less adept at avoiding it almost wherever it appeared. His mother is imposing additional burdens on him; do the disturb his plans at all? If so, wouldn't he be at least a little resentful? And possibly guilty, since he knows he shouldn't resent it? Also, from the mother's side: she's losing her husband for a time, and soon her son. However she feels about it should probably come out in her actions toward the two of them, and hopefully it has some conflict potential built in. More potential for conflict: the guardsmen at his fathers doors just step aside and let him in. Additionally, he's simply brought into the conversation as his presence had apparently been desired. Finally, the envoy Mevel accepts this without any problem. Of course, not all of these have to be conflicts. However, it might be nice if at least some of them were. Particularly if they are unfair, because that would get us on Zerath's side quite quickly. While Zerath is talking with his father and Mevel, some of the dialog seems a little maid-and-butlery. It's not too bad as it is, but you might want to keep an eye on it in the future, lest it become more of a habit. Also, just after some of this we get a little bit of info dumping about blade masters and how electing to become a blade master alters your status in society. Some of this is information we need here to understand things, such as that Dalen had given up a high status to become a Blade Master. Some of it, such as what might happen to children he might someday have after he gave up his position, I'm not sure we need to know just yet. Similarly, some of what it takes to become a blade master we should probably know, but a recap of how blade masters need to learn a lot of weapons, and how much Dalen has been learning, may not be necessary here. By my count, it was page 16 before we get to a real inciting incident, where the marriage and alliance proposal happens. It finally gives some conflict to Zerath, plus shows that there might be some upheaval in the status quo, but to me it comes quite late in the story, nearly at the end of chapter 2. I know you've mentioned changing things around so that some of the stuff from the past, that was chapter 3, will now be a prologue, but do remember the need to set up a hook or inciting incident early in the story, to keep people wanting to read on.