cjhuitt

Good start to a story overall, good world-building, I'm wondering how the rest will play out. In general, I also agree with Asmodemon's comments. I don't think they need to be active all the time, but it helps to have high stakes for the character, and a reason they are in a scene. At the beginning, we don't get any real sense of this, other than that Sence is the wealthiest merchant in the city. That might be enough to get her a place at various functions, but isn't enough to immediately keep my interest in her as a character. It isn't until halfway through this part that we learn why the restoration of the portal is important to her in particular. Another bit to note about the beginning of the story, I thought the viewpoint character was a wizard who had cast the spell to summon the other wizard (Alina). However, although there is a one-off line about all humans being able to do magic, there's no sense that Sence (ugh, sorry about that) is able or inclined to do that sort of thing. Finally, for such a rational, convinced woman as Sence appears to be, I thought it seemed odd that she'd just sink down to the floor in the palace and be totally out of it for long enough that the servants are asking after her health. I also thought that, given the level of concern indicated, said servants probably wouldn't let her just get up and walk away by herself without assuring themselves that she was, indeed, fine.

I liked these two chapters in general, and think they did well without introducing too much more to the learning curve. I would agree with the others on toning down the speech patterns. Something else to consider for identification among the main characters would be to have some item or two that they often carry or wear (unique for each of them). Necklaces, momentos, lucky shoes, and the like. On the second chapter specifically, I liked that he was unprepared for the investiture that it would require from him, and that the ride and stop at the end stretched him to his limits. However, I thought it did go on a little bit long. Perhaps that could actually be improved by adding just a touch more length to deal a bit more with his thoughts and reactions to the events, rather than the details of how they are going. The third chapter I liked, and in particular that they won't be able to stay on the moon after all. They'll have to find some other way to create a capsule, once they deal with the Drain, which adds an interesting flavor to the story. I'm anticipating that the drain either is a major obstacle, or more likely is an effect of a major obstacle that will play out in the story.

[A] I thought the learning curve was steep, but not enough to put me off the story. The things I mentioned were ideas for helping trim the learning curve some, if desired. In this case I think it would be a good idea to trim it some, because in general the more accessible a work is, the better. (I edited to add letters)[c] I'd be willing to RAFO [d] I'd be willing to RAFO, but the first two are quite intertwined. In particular for this one, however, the bit about needing (if I recall correctly) to have visited somewhere to make a portal raised a whole lot of questions in my mind, and a lot of them caused apparent contradictions in the worldbuilding. I'm not saying they are contradictions (or that they aren't), but that many causes me to wonder if the author really has everything together when they aren't addressed right away. My suggestion to remove most of the portal stuff other than "so we can put a portal on the moon" would, in effect, remove most or all of the contradictory questions from the first chapter, and give you more time to establish the world and its rules before raising the apparent contradictions. Alternately, some rephrasing might work two -- something as simple as calling it a level 1 portal, rather than a portal, implies there are others that are more capable, and thus isn't inherently raising as many questions for me. [e] My problem with this was more that I don't think there are so many space minerals that aren't available on worlds as well (although potentially harder to obtain). In combination with the question about multiple species and no space flight, it started bothering me. A fairly simple fix here would also probably be to tweak the wording so that they have, not a monopoly, but an effective control due to the vast amounts and cheaper extraction possibilities. [f] Not a big deal, but threw me for a bit. I'd actually suggest that a better way might be to have him be over-confident, and assume he knew what would be under there and thus have a bit of surprise, rather than be modest and not make assumptions and be correct. The whole thing about flaws being interesting and all. [g] I'd be willing to RAFO, but as I mentioned in above, you could potentially reduce a smidge the learning curve by tweaking smaller parts of it. In essence, I'm not suggesting removing this, but focusing more on 1 or 2 important RAFOs about the magic, and minimizing the rest.

This is coming in late, and I won't belabor the points the others made. Overall I think you've got the right idea, and working on some of their points would help. My major concern is that this is written in note/letter form, but at the end she has been driven from her home with nothing in her possession, and she has decided to jump into a river. Yet somehow she has paper and a pen to write her note, and took the time out to do so? I know that the letters and notes and "found" items leading to a horrific outcome are a staple of Lovecraftian horror, but in this case I couldn't suspend my disbelief enough to go with it. You might want to consider just narrating it from her perspective, rather than go through the remove of the note. It would also likely improve the emotional connection for the piece.

I'll echo what the others said about the improvements and potential for this one. I also thought that the anger was not obviously caused, though it did seem out of character for the general. Additionally, I did pick that Maia was causing him problems, though that was likely from my knowledge from the first draft. I would encourage you to make it a touch less subtle. I also agree that the interlude with Kioko felt out of place. In the beginning, when Nomura felt there was a threat, I felt like the proper protocol might have been to keep the general and her separate, so one of them is not in the room. If something bad happens, then the army wouldn't be completely leaderless. Of course, there are protocol reasons why this might not be feasible, but I felt it should have occured to them at least. At one point (in the map room), you have the general say "Taya". Either that's a word I don't know, or possibly Nomura's familiar name, or something? I don't recall seeing it again in the story, and it confused me a bit. Finally, I thought the reference to new magic at the end of the piece may not be what you want to do. To me, that just opens this whole thing up by creating a new question, and now I expect either an explanation from Maia, or more story delving into that. Instead, I would suggest one of two possibilities. The first was that she found a natural, non-magical way to cause the general problems, though that seems riskier than she might want to be. The second would be to have the wings slowly regrowing, but of course she would be hiding them under her clothes. Then, as they regrow, so does her ability to use magic. Don't take this the wrong way; I'm intrigued by the idea that there is another kind of magic she could gain access to. I just think the end of the story is the wrong place to open up a question like that.

Unlike the others, I didn't think this story had so steep a learning curve that it would throw me off. I freely admit that I skipped a lot of the names, however, intending to note them more thoroughly if they became important later. While I'm thinking about it, however, the names of Sureriaj and Sasthssn, both (presumably) for species and both in the same sentence were a little too similar for my taste. I do agree with Syme, however, that there needs to be more conflict earlier in the chapter. One possibility, other than just trimming down the beginning (always a good option if you can swing it) would be to have Origon sense some disturbance but not be able to track it down. That might give him some conflict, leading to the reveal of the gunman, and also show one aspect of his powers. If he fails, or fails to find them quickly enough, it might also show some of the limitations of the powers. Some of the confusion I had with this was the setting, and in particular how the species found each other and interact. For example, references were made multiple times to this being the Methiemum homeworld, and yet nobody had made it to the stars yet? This apparent contradiction is presumably covered with the Nether, but near the end of the chapter I learned that Maji can make portals to where they had been. How, then, had the species ever started interacting? I realize there are an abundance of ways to cover this, and perhaps you don't want to have it in the first chapter, but it disturbed my sense of how this whole thing could be set up. One solution might be to simply trim the part about anyone being able to make portals and the knowledge propagating, and instead just state that the maji were going to the moon to make a portal, which would then allow them to bypass the costly and dangerous travel from the surface. I was also confused at the idea that the Methiemum would somehow have a monopoly on some metals and minerals by being the only ones to get to their solar system. If the other races are from other systems, or even other planets in the same system, couldn't they do the same thing? Maybe not right away, but it would hardly be a complete monopoly. Also in the mix at the beginning was the reference to Rilan being up there somewhere, and a brief reminisce that really doesn't have much effect. I think that part could probably be cut, and have Origon's reaction when he meets up with her later cover the fact that they knew each other before. Another aspect that could (probably) be withheld until later is the relationship between the colors and the personality of the user -- depending on how quickly it becomes important. I'd leave the statement of the colors themselves, just hold off on the further information. As a throwaway line, you mention Origon knew generally what he would see of the shuttle, but don't explain how he was able to do this. Near the end, the Captain refers to Origon as Kirian. That threw me at first, until I realized it must be his species name (referenced earlier, no doubt, but forgotten amongst all the other names). A final note about the worldbuilding, Origon considers himself one of three or four maji who could do what he is able to do, both sensing the air and the other forms of power for it. However, he appears to have abilities in communication also. To me, that seemed like either he has more than two abilities, or if both air and power relate to the same house of magic, there should be more than just a handful who have the same abilities as he does. I presume for the setup of your story that his thoughts are more or less correct, which makes me think that perhaps it just needs to be phrased a little differently in the story, or perhaps a bit less detail on what exactly he can do is needed until some of the intricacies can be more fully explained? My last bit of discussion is for when you get to revision. I noticed quite a few "as Origon saw it" and "he knew". Since this is all from Origon's POV, those probably aren't necessary, and in fact started to distract me. I also think they will subtly distance the reader from Origon's POV if there are too many of them in the text, since it means the narrative is thus somewhat distant from his POV as well.

I agree with Mandamon on this one -- it's a lot like some of my stories: technically correct, but nothing to keep the reader reading. (In fact, that happens a little too often in my own stories, but I digress.) The only other thing I'll say about it is that there are a few times where things are somewhat repetitive, usually stated outright and then shown right away. The ruined relationship with his uncle comes to mind. Tangentially related to the story, I had wondered how to pronounce those character also, and I also ended up substituting a P and a D for them. I like the intent, but you might want to make sure they work well enough with those sounds as well.

This may not be quite the latest I've ever reviewed something, though it's probably close. I won't worry about what the others have said, but I'll hit a few things I saw as I was reading it to catch up. Right at first I thought it was the princess from the previous chapter being taught, due to the discussion of politics. It only took me a bit to get my bearings, but it was a small piece of confusion. Of course, reading all the chapters in a row might help fix this some, but I also wonder if a little more grounding descriptions right at the beginning might help. At the end of the political lecture, she beamed "even though she did not wholly deserve it." Why not? I thought that was a perfect time to revel in feeling good about being able to keep up. The fight was well-set out and I could follow along fine, though I thought it kind of dragged just a bit. This may relate to what the others said about injecting emotion, but also I wonder if Filista, in what is (most likely) only her second exposure to combat, would be able to follow the action quite so well. I might find it a touch more realistic if she focused on just parts of it, until something interacts with her focus (like a spear flying in from elsewhere, or Hyginos spinning to foil a different attack). This would also let us see how much further she needs to go to be able to survive on her own, if she ever has to. "When someone dies, his magic dissipates after a few minutes, so..." This makes it sound like everybody has a little bit of magic, even if they can't use it. If this is intentional, it's a nice bit of worldbuilding. If not and you don't intend that, you might consider tweaking the phrasing.

It's nice to see the submissions picking up a little again. One of these days I'll have to find time to read through them.

Not sure how you mean that. I think what you meant was that what Leontas said was something that would already be apparent to Nikon. If so, I disagree. I think his deductions are not obvious at all and defintely worth mentioning. You may be correct that the conclusions are non-obvious. What I intended to convey was that the dialog there seemed off to me, and it struck me as if it was being said primarily so that the reader would learn these things, and only secondarily so that information could be conveyed between characters. (Of course, on a deeper level that is always true, but hopefully this explains it somewhat.) It could be that just editing the dialog some, or rearranging it, or something would make it read better and no longer raise any concerns for me. As it was, that was one section that jumped me out of the story, so I thought you should know. There are a handful of scenes with sexual content, but no full blown sex scenes. Yes, the actual sexual content is more explicit in this scene, but I really don't think it's too bad. This was never meant to be a children's book and I think the little bit of sexual content contained in this chapter and a handful of others is very mild compared to the violence. Just so I'm sure this is clear as well, I didn't find the actual content to be bad, nor do I think there is too much of it -- just that so far, it is appearing very inconsistently in the story, so it sticks out to me right now. The violence, to use your example, is presented to the reader from the very beginning, with the story set in a war. Indeed, it begins in the prologue, continues as a remote threat in the first chapter, is present directly in the second, and the third deals with repercussions of the violence we saw in the prologue. The sexual content, on the other hand, is absent from the prologue, absent from the first chapter, one inciting factor in the second (but not the main focus, as it were), is absent from the third, and is now in one small slice of the fourth. As I said, this makes it stick out to me. Now, this can be used to your advantage as well, if something significant is tied into those parts, because they will stick out like that. On the other hand, if you don't want them to stick out as much, I think you could do so even by adding a little more content earlier in the story, so it is an aspect of the story that is introduced earlier on and becomes part of the setting. To put in in writing excuses terms, I feel like the "promise to the reader" (as I am reading it so far) includes violence, but not sexual content, so that scene seems out of place. If the "promise to the reader" did include such then I would be expected it and it would fit right in. I'm not sure what exactly would be needed to alter that promise from my current impression, but that is how I was feeling when I read it. Does that make any sense? I hope so. It is certainly a good sign, and you should take it that way. Especially since you were able to get that connection with so few words. As a paraphrase of something I've heard said, hate isn't the wrong emotion for the writer to provoke; apathy is.

The first section, with Nikon, was decent for establishing more of the culture and setting, but also seemed to largely be there to convey information is a slightly-non-infodumpy way. In particular, I thought everything past "It's in Sarkis best interests not to negotiate with us" in that paragraph was odd to be spoken like that, especially to a 15-year-old, who in that time I would think would be nearly considered an adult. The rest does seem applicable, but it could be presented in narration form, I think, rather than spoken. Also, while Leontas hoped Nikon went, he doesn't really show much emotion one way or another throughout the rest of the discussion. Nor does Nikon, for that matter, which leaves the dialog rather bare for the last half of the section. Speaking of bare, the first paragraph seems out of place with much of the rest of the story. Even in the woman's chapter (forgive me; I can't recall her name), I don't recall much overtly sexual content. Also, that was from one character's POV, where this is from a different one. The biggest thought I had from this (other than it showing the culture) is that it seems like a promise about how the rest of the book will proceed. If that is the case -- all (or most) POVs occasionally having more sexual scenes -- then the scene is fine for me how it is. If not, I'd suggest minimizing some of those aspects, for example the effect as he's being washed and result when putting on his tunic. Diocles comes off as a bit of a pompous chull -- all from his father's POV. Nicely done, if that was the intent. I'm now gleefully hoping that Diocles gets it in his head that, as the responsible party at the foundry, he is the one that is to put Prochoros in his place. On the other hand, unless it's relevant to the story, it will probably not happen in-scene, so I'll just have to cherish my own imaginings for how it would happen. It would also be nicely done if Diocles bungles things and drives Prochoros off, resulting in the weapons not being made quickly enough or to good enough quality, resulting in more problems in the war. I don't know how much effect one foundry could realistically make, but it would be an interesting domino to push down. A traitor! Dun dun dun! Of course it could be almost anyone. How about Diocles? Sounds fun to me. For the last section, it seemed... not extraneous, exactly. Rushed, perhaps. Or not full enough? It was good to have the information about opponents to treating with Sarkis, and what they might demand, and a bit of extra world-building and history was nicely worked in there. On the other hand, the section seemed quite brief. We only got about a page of argument interspersed with background information. It seems like this wants to be a bigger scene with more conflict, but I'm not sure how that fits into your plan for the novel. I think a lot of my reaction to that section may have to do with how it starts -- which is to say, slowly. There's a lot of tell happening at the beginning of the section ("he was hosting", along with a lot of thoughts about how politics had gone downhill) before we even get to the conflict. Perhaps the conflict could be introduced sooner in the scene? Perhaps parts of that cut for later, to be worked in as smaller chunks? I'm not sure, but I do know my reading speed and my attention to the document both dropped after about a paragraph into the section, and I was tempted to skim until things got more exciting again. This isn't to say bad things about the chapter as a whole; despite some rough patches, I think each part works well for setting up the story. The second section is actually partly to blame also, since I got so involved with what was happening with Diocles, and then the letter, that it made the drop into the beginning of the third section even more noticeable for me.

I agree with Syme that this chapter is more interesting than the last. It has action and some conflict, which are welcome. It also has some of the same grammar problems that don't need to be recapped here. There were a few typos I noticed in the beginning. I'll don't concentrate on them, but since they caught my eye, you might as well know about it. The first is "span", in the first and second paragraph, when I think you mean "spun". The others are in the second paragraph: "instance" should probably be "instant", and "passed" should probably be "past". In Lieneth's lecture, I was confused by what he was trying to say by "but only so long and as powerful you have drained it". It seemed odd that Ethen had to "cycle" trough his pools of energy to find the one he needed, rather than just being able to use the one he wanted. I would assume that it wouldn't take much external time to do so, but even so it might give the wrong impression of the magic (if that is, indeed, the wrong impression). If that was included to mention the idea of pools of energy for different aspects, you could maybe have Ethen heal, then check the levels of his various pools instead, which is still perfectly natural after having used them. I had no idea from the setting that other people were around, so I was kind of surprised when Valaessa showed up, though it wasn't too bad. I was even more surprised when suddenly Lieneth was occupied fighting another person, and actually double-checked to make sure I didn't miss anything. A bit more description of the surroundings before others are introduced would probably help with this. I also had forgotten that Ethen and Lieneth had a sister, but I assume that was just because so much time had passed since I read the first chapter, not because she was missing from there. The excursion about the woman who murdered her family seemed out of place, unless (perhaps!) if it was Ethen's history. The bloodbolt idea is interesting, but after the explanation I didn't know why Valaessa had used a bloodbolt -- doesn't that leave her basically helpless? If you drain your reserves, that doesn't sound like something people would do very often. It also seems to conflict with following description that Valaessa then spent a lot of energy healing, and that Xerress helped refill Valaessa's energy after she herself used a bloodbolt. After writing all this, I'm guessing that a bloodbolt doesn't drain all the reserves, but that was definitely what I got out of the explanation at first. Finally, the text seems to imply a mystery of whether Lieneth will come along or not. I'm not sure if that needs to be a mystery at this point, or if it is set up well enough to be a remaining question for the next chapter. I would suggest deciding if you want it to be a bit of a mystery or not, and then either strengthen the doubt that he will go, or remove it from the end of the chapter.

I agree with both of these, and in particular would point out that the full first page of the chapter is a history lesson, and not a particularly interesting one at that. (It's dry for the POV character, and not much better for me.) I'll also second the need for action, or conflict, or something to spice things up. There is a small chance of such with Sarriah's resistance to Karreal's teaching, but not much. Nor do we get to see her doing what she wants to be doing -- being a princess -- because when she arrives at that point, it is the end of the chapter. Along with Syme's bullet points of things to look for when editing, I also noticed that you would combine one person's reaction to a piece of dialog in the same paragraph as that dialog (spoken by another person). This can get confusing at times. An example: The very next paragraph, you then have Sarriah's verbal response, and Karreal's reaction to her words. The last two paragraphs of the first section of this chapter abruptly change to Karreal's POV for a few sentences, rather than Sarriah's. It seems to otherwise be written in 3rd-person limited, so I'm assuming this is a POV error. It abruptly switches back with the final sentence in the first section. Finally, although it almost shows Sarriah doing what she wants to be doing, the second section of this chapter doesn't seem to add any information that we need right now. The most important bits seem to be that there are a pair of ambassadors present, and maybe reinforcing her position with her seat to the right of the throne.

I thought I didn't get the first one, but it appears the email was automatically filtered into my spam box... with no attachment. I don't know if the attachment was automatically stripped or not. Anyway, I got the second email and then found the first, and here are some of the things I thought about and noticed: I liked the introduction to the story, and the idea that there are actual creatures that the farmers are leaving sacrifices for. On the other hand, the intro from Arrick's point of view actually had me suspicions that he was in fact a spirit, and unable to affect the natural world. This started off by how he was able to move through the forest without disturbing anything, and continued when he was in the trees and feeling things from the trees he was in. Thus, when he smiled and dislodged lichens, and even more when he dug a hole for the sacrifice, I was a little surprised by his actual physicality. When he attacked the woodcutter, I was surprised he bashed the man against the tree outside, given all the effort he had expended earlier in not leaving a trace. It seemed a bit out of character from what he had done previously, though rage may explain some of it. I did like the use of the dead woman's body as a type of sacrifice to the trees also. When the POV switched to the boy (Oddleif), I was thrown for a bit of a loop, since I had gotten far enough into Arrick's POV to expect that also. The passage of time that later became evident didn't help much either. The contrast between the graceful movements of Arrick and the clumsy ones of Oddleif also made the disconnect worse, although I think you probably want to keep the latter. I don't know what to suggest to smooth the transition, except possibly a cutaway from omniscient ("years pass..." sort of thing). You might see if some of Oddleif's thoughts could convey the passage of time, though it would be difficult to do so right away and still have action. One other possibility would be to enhance the connection between the babe's behavior and Oddleif's behavior right at that transition, which may do enough to connect the two that the passage of time becomes fairly obvious. All of that assumes, of course, that you want to allow the reader to make that association so soon, but as I was reading the story this POV switch was the most jarring part of the story, and the part at which I would most likely have been tempted to set down the story and go do something else, and who knows if I would pick it up later? One small typo that I noticed: "Suddenly she looked up as if sensing she was bing watched." Ada talking about Oddleif having pointed ears was interesting also, and makes me somewhat question my decision that this was the boy Arrick saved. It was a little odd not to get Oddleif's name until so far into the story, but not incredibly disconcerting. I'm not sure if there's a particular reason you hold it back, but I don't know if it's necessary. Then this section ended, at a reasonable spot for a short story, but it was obviously incomplete, and I'm looking forward to the next part.

I didn't grasp this until you stated it. Now that it is said, it makes Ixtli's reasoning a lot more plausible to me. However, I didn't get that from the story itself. I wonder if I just missed it, or if you could find a way to make it a touch more clear? That's a good question, and one I don't have an easy answer to. I think it's the burnt by sunlight portion that seems to strongly tie them to vampires (and "eating" the life energy, which is a little more strongly tied to blood in this one in that the priesthood is doing blood sacrifices). You could just go with it and avoid saying they are or aren't; this would probably cause most people to say they are vampires who can do magic and suck "life force" instead of blood. If you choose this, I'd recommend somehow spelling out a bit earlier what they are and aren't capable of -- or, from Texcoyo's POV, what god-granted abilities they have (and are rumored to have, because undoubtedly there are rumors, and the priesthood probably even encourages some of them). One possible way to do this is have him react poorly to being so close to the High Priestess exercising her powers for the initial sacrifice (he's already reacting to her presence), and then try to suppress himself from thinking of all the other things he has seen them do, let alone that they have been rumored to do. That raises another question in my mind: did any of these magic users exist in Sarkis? Would Texcoyo's "education" there have allowed him to recognize that? One thing I forgot to add, I see now, is that it might allow you a touch more leeway in explaining some of the aspects of the culture in the beginning, since you aren't locked quite so strongly into Texcoyo's words. It is a slight bending of the tight 3rd POV, but it has often been done before, to good effect, and seems to be even more accepted by readers in short stories, IMO. I think, in further hindsight, the reason it felt improbable that he would fight is because I didn't remember from the other book the increased healing powers (which aren't mentioned here until after he is wounded). I think I was actually of split minds; if they are like vampires -- traditional ones, of course -- they should be quick and strong enough to disable mere humans without much risk. However, I knew they weren't supposed to be vampires, so I think I suppressed the abilities I kind-of knew about from your other book, which would still lead them to be confident in approaching a fight, and rightly so. It might also partially be the setting -- deep in a pyramid (read: dungeon) with two fighters and a priest -- of course the priest stays back and lets the fighters do their thing. I definitely think you've got a good core of a short story here, and I may not have mentioned that before either, so I thought I'd better do so now. I think, with a little tweaking, it could be a great short introduction to the universe your novel is set in.

I know you said that this is in the same universe as your novel, so I was kind of expecting the same Greek overtones. The other two reviewers so far mentioned an Aztec feel, and I kind of agree, but mostly there isn't much "feel" to it for me other than a pyramid and their names. The sacrifices maybe, but as I recall, sacrifices were common throughout a lot of the older world, so that didn't necessarily add to the feel of a setting for me. Being first person as well, Texcoyo's name doesn't get mentioned as much, so that mostly slipped by me. Additionally, he was a "guest" of Sarkis, which sounded a lot like one of the Greek-style cities from your other work. I'll agree with most of what Asmodemon said already, and skip mentioning it myself (and I would likely be less thorough, as well). I, on the other hand, was surprised. Looking back on it, I think one of the biggest things that led me astray was the mention of Ixtli as a friend when he was first introduced. Since Texcoyo had been gone for a while, I had assumed it was a childhood friend who had then become reacquainted with Texcoyo when he returned. I think this led me to trust him more than I should. On the other hand, with just a touch of embellishment you could make it simultaneously a little less trustworthy, and potentially a coup planned over a long-term; mention that Ixtli had always been quite friendly to him as a child, even beyond what one would expect from a priest to a king's son. Then I'd question if Ixtli had been planning this for a long time, or cultivating possibilities that he decided to put into play now, or what, and that would draw me into the story more deeply. This seems like an interesting idea as well. It does hide the motivations somewhat, and you could still have him relatively high on the scale for elevation, just not at the top. That way he'd be influential enough to be able to make his story of her manipulating things stick (as long as she wasn't around to contest it). One thing I wonder about in all the motivation, though, which I don't think is addressed by the story: often, the religion and priesthoods of a group of city-states (which this kind of seems like) would be similar or the same across those states. Why, then, would the priesthood be as concerned about which son becomes king, and therefore how close they are to that other kingdom? It seems like a flimsy excuse to me, but maybe it is supposed to be -- or, maybe, Ixtli and the others really are scared, but not all of them enough to do something to the high priestess. A great question, and kind of following on from my last one. Why indeed does Ixtli need any extra help? I can see that in this culture it would take a strong pretext to get a non-priest to attack a priest, which you've given, but for what reason does Ixtli need that to happen? The only thing I can think of was taking out the guards without magic, but surely there are plenty of other ways to deal with that. I would think that perhaps it was to also get the king-to-be friendly to him, but the ending completely blows that theory out of the water. I mention this as another warning sign. In your other story you fairly clearly distinguish right away that they aren't vampires (maybe in a bit of an info-dump, but it is there from the beginning). In this one, there is no such thing to distinguish, and the first-person POV can't exactly explain that very well, so it leaves the story feeling like the priesthood is populated by vampires who can do magic. Regarding the first-person POV, I thought it took a significant chunk of potential tension from the story, given as it has the implicit assumption that the POV character survives (especially in a short story). During the attack on the guards, why do they not wait a bit longer for Ixtli's mind magic to have an affect? Or have another pretext for separating the guards? Also, knowing Ixtli's motivations a bit more by the end of the story, why is he close enough to take a wound once the fighting has started? Alternately, how did the guards get lucky enough to wound him? It affects the upcoming fight, but it seems a little unlikely, and may need to have an in-scene view on how it happened. How soundly do the not-vampires sleep? They seem so close to vampires in this story that I was kind of expecting the high priestess to be so deeply asleep that they could more or less just drag her out into the sunlight and let that do it's thing. I suppose the way the magic works that doing so wouldn't be quite to Ixtli's advantage, however -- does he have to actually be the one to kill her in order to absorb her life energy? I kind of recall that from your book. One last note, about the first notes. The focus on the sacrificial girl at the beginning, and the extra detail on her rather than on the other characters, made me think that she was going to be more important to the story than she ended up being. My thoughts were along the lines of the "feasted for a month" sacrifices, rather than having her be sacrificed nearly immediately. The details are decent, but put all together like that they lend more importance to the sacrifice than the main character at that point. (You might try having Texcoyo try to keep his thoughts elsewhere, but keeps noticing details about her that he would rather not, since he thinks it will be easier to sacrifice her without knowing them.) Likewise, for someone who is only ~21-23, thinking of her beauty as in "full bloom of youth" is odd, since he is also young. It seems more like an older-person's phrase.

So you aren't worried about being unclear in the text, I actually did catch that they can't turn into any animal while I was reading the chapter. However, I was sloppy with my own sentences when I wrote that critique, and implied they could.

I'm fine with having submissions, and I may even have the time to get one or two worked up and ready for the new year. Besides, going from the recent posts, it sometimes takes a few days for people to find time to review the submissions anyway. Waiting another few days probably won't kill the authors.

This is fine, and I hope that's part of what excites you about the story. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it too much at this point in time; I was just giving you my own reactions to a piece like this. I know this isn't alternate history, exactly, but it feels kind of that way to me, and I'll admit up front that I'm not generally a reader of alternate history either, so it might just be my own preferences speaking.

I was starting to wonder how many POVs we would have, until I reread your email to see this is the final (main) one. I see some potential for this chapter in some political intriguing, but right now it seems like it is mostly potential. You have Andronicus doing his thing, and then it just... works. That was a bit of a letdown, but for a first chapter when something else is introduced, not that big of a problem. I would have liked to have seen a little more analysis from Andronicus on what exactly it meant for his gambit to go through so easily, or more speculating on why Karpos agreed so easily. Even better if Andronicus vows to not let this turn of events sway him to Karpos' side in future debates. Leaving Andronicus confused at the end was probably realistic, and may fit what you want for your story, but I was hoping for a stronger end of the chapter. So far, you've ended on the death of a king, a senator(?) plotting to become an ambassador, and an ex-slave woman becoming some kind of powerful magic creature. This one ends with Andronicus just confused. Plus, Andronicus can't figure out what Karpos is up to, I don't have enough information at this point to do so either. Especially not at the beginning of the book like this, when this is the first scene with him in it. I think the tension and anticipation would be higher if you had Andronicus realize one possibility that would be bad (even if it is the wrong possibility -- heck, probably better if it is wrong.) I seem to recall you are currently writing this. Later, when you come back to edit, you might want to consider if you need the first part of this chapter, with Andronicus and his wife. It might be better to jump right into him kicking Eugenia into doing something. If there is something in the first part we need to know, perhaps we can get worked in later. One other general observation for later editing... I've heard said, and it makes sense to me, to intentionally try to connect opening scenes from different POVs in some way. Since the POV is different, having a similar setting, mood, circumstances, etc., can help keep the reader from feeling too lost. (One example is Martin's Game of Thrones, where at the very beginning, even though he's jumping between POV characters, each one picks up the story more or less with the same people and setting, just with the next part of the same story happening to them. Later it branches out wildly, but at the beginning it helps to introduce the people without needing to explain more about the situation, etc.) I mention this due to the inverse; be careful of similar things when you don't want a connection made. When Andronicus was talking to his wife, who appeared to be sick during the day, right after the chapter where we get an explanation about the magical power making people not tolerate the sunlight, I made a connection there, and I don't think you meant for it to happen. I deduced soon enough that this wasn't happening here, only to then wonder if the bad news was about Filista or her family (since she had gotten into my head from the prior connection). One possible way to reduce this would be to reorder the first few chapters, if it doesn't make a difference to your story. Right now they are far enough apart that some temporal inconsistencies won't be noticed, which is my usual caution about rearranging things. If you keep the same prologue, I suggest following it with this chapter -- the repercussions of the king's death starting to be played out. The end of this chapter is about negotiating with Thereos (save Andronicus' confusion), so then you could lead into what is currently chapter 1 as Leontas tries to become the corresponding negotiator from Thereos' side. This preserves a connection between those two chapters, building to a potential conflict (or do they have their own plan that we don't know about yet? Dun dun dun!) I can't figure out how Filista's chapter would immediately follow from this, but it isn't a bad time to throw a wildcard in there either. First, though, you should do the same thing I should really be doing: finish the book.

I don't (now) recall any mention in the text of where they were from, but it might be good to briefly mention that they didn't have much in the way of standing armies to protect their own small kingdom, unlike Sarkis, or something like that. I don't know about akoebel, but one of the reasons I thought they were from Sarkis is that in the previous chapter, Sarkis was established as being the country primarily under threat, and thus would be forced to make concessions to the rest of Daeolia. Therefore, when people were fleeing, I assumed they were from Sarkis. I wasn't surprised at this point, but that was because I had already had my "oh yeah, I need to remember she's barely older than Sophia is" moment a few paragraphs back. It might just be ingrained, but because she was trying to be reassuring to Sophia, and Sophia is the daughter of the man she married, she seemed (much) older than Sophia. That might be one explanation. I might suggest establishing the age difference between Filista and her husband right from the beginning somehow. I had forgotten to mention the reaction I had to the bats/sunlight thing, which was about the same as akoebel, only maybe a bit less aversion (since I quite enjoyed Anne Rice's vampire books, at least). I think you can leave in the sunlight problem. If you trim the mention of bats at this point, that would probably be enough to weaken the association with vampires, at least in my mind. Alternately, find another nightly creature for them to turn into -- owls, perhaps, or according to Wikipedia, badgers, ocelots, and raccoons are also generally nocturnal. Alternately, you could try having them be only magical during the day, which I don't believe I've seen done before. Or when the sun is shining on them. (Both of these might be better tied to fire magic, though.) This would make your discovery scene somewhat problematic, but it could be adjusted somehow. Other environmental things that might affect them could be disrupted by moving water (from Katherine Kerr's books, among others) which means the magic doesn't work when it's raining or even heavily foggy, or other options that you can probably come up with better than I can.

The best I think I can do is give examples. One would be Katherine Kerr's Daggerspell/Darkspell series -- all of it, really -- which has strong Celtic signs in the setting throughout, and in the end there is a good reason why it seems so much like the Celtic culture we know. Another, slightly less so, is Jim Butcher's Furies of Calderon series, that has a very strong Roman/Latin vibe, and we eventually find out that (very minor spoiler) the people populating the world had originally come from the Roman Empire. In possibly redundant explanation, with the incredibly strong parallels to Greek history that I know, I would expect there to be a reason embedded into the worldbuilding for that similarity to be there. A slightly distorted mirror version of our world, for example, or something like that.

Overall, I really liked the story. I know that short stories often leave questions, but there are a few I have that I think may help the story by being explained a bit more. The first is what being wingless means when dealing with the fae. It's one reason why Hirundo trusts Maia isn't a weapon. The second is what is supposed to be in the dispatches that he is receiving. Since the fae get them in the end, I have to assume that they are something important, but it would be nice to know what. Finally, I wanted to know what happens to Hirundo -- the umbrella apparently carried something that would immobilize the general, but does it kill him? Does it leave him paralyzed? Does it wear off to let him live as a heartbroken man? I understand if you decide the story shouldn't answer this, but it was the biggest question I thought should be addressed. Of course, now that I've had time to think about the story a bit more, there are a few potential plot holds that I completely didn't notice reading through it the first time. How did the fae know what is in the missives, or that they were worth obtaining? This was a large, intricate plot for potentially little gain. Being able to keep the umbrella seems a contrivance of plot, rather than well-grounded in the story. Why does Maia/Sun have to be the one to carry out the ploy? Does it have anything to do with the missing wings? It seems that, as the opponent general, she'd likewise be too valuable to risk like this. As pointed out by Syme, they captured three of the elemental flyers, but beyond that apparently nobody before knew that their opponents were so small, living in clockwork bodies. This seems to indicate they can't afford to let Hirundo live, since that would also be an invaluable piece of information, but it makes me wonder how much Hirundo's side really even knows about their enemy. Regardless of those questions, I think the story stands up well enough on its own to not need them to be directly addressed. As I said, they didn't occur to me until at least 10 minutes after the story, which isn't too bad.

Right off the bat, this chapter seems a little off to me. These are supposed to be refugees fleeing the savages, and since (from the last chapter) they are supposed to be a Sarkian problem, I assume that the family that is fleeing is also Sarkian. Since I got the impression before that these are the Spartan equivalent (prior to reading any comments here on the connection, mind you), I expected them to stoically endure their problems and push harder to stay ahead of the invaders. For example, if they have a cart, they should be able to take turns riding on it and thus be able to travel for longer. Even if the family isn't Sarkian, the questions Sophia has should have been raised well before now, I would think. It should also show in more tension among the whole group of people. If the family is Sarkian, however, it is an interesting twist on the previous chapter's words about how they treat their servants and slaves, since Filista was once a slave and then was married to her master (owner?). I totally missed that the savage who took Filista was the leader of the group, but that might have been on me, because it was getting pretty obvious what the scene was leading up to, and I tend to skim over sections like that. I was confused (and probably quite properly) when the man started bleeding and died, and had to re-read the previous couple of paragraphs to make sure I didn't miss anything, and of course I had skimmed right over the curse thing the first time through. Around here also, however, I also had the problem that Filista's reactions to seeing someone she knew laying dead were... missing. As was reactions from the rest of the group. Only Phokas reacts, and that only when his wife and daughter are being taken away. I don't know what the Yacatu's plans for the family previously were, but it seemed odd that the only punishment Phokas gets to his struggles is a punch. If he's a blacksmith, he's probably very strong (and therefore dangerous). Likewise, though I was lacking descriptions of the others, I imagined him as the only man of "proper" fighting age, which would also make him the most likely to be a threat. With those reasons, it would take a lot for the Yacatu to react so mildly to the chance he was going to have a proper berserk. The blood thing was creepy, but sickly fascinating as well. I agree that I also forgot it was night when she made her escape. A couple reminders during the flight through the forest, and when she was trying to hide, would probably be welcome. When she first sees Hyginos, she recognizes his clothing as Daeolian, though she sees him "from a distance". In the night. It seems odd to be able to do this -- is it a side effect of the magic? It also seemed awfully convenient that Hyginos just happens to be following her and her family such that he can find her to help her out after she had turned. He also knew what had happened to turn her into a magic user. Also, if he was able to see the family dead, and still catch her even though she'd been running via magic fuel, he must be able to do more than appears right at first. This all adds up to a potentially very interesting character. The background infodump at the end is a little awkward, probably for a couple of reasons. The first, I suspect, is as the others pointed out -- it isn't a good time for her to be just sitting there and absorbing it, unless there's some magical reason why it works. The second reason is that it comes via dialogue at a time when I'm not sure Hyginos should be quite so forthcoming either. Having tidbits of information that the POV character would know dumped in here and there during the first chapters is nice, and helps keep the reader engaged, but having it come via dialogue like this is a little less friendly, in my opinion.

I had some of the concerns with the prologue expressed here, especially regarding the similarity to Greek culture and the terminology. For the first, when something is this obviously based on Greek history I would usually expect to either have the actual Greek names (at which point I'd start to think of it as an alternate history, or possibly historical retelling), or to factor strongly into the world building and history of the story, with that to be revealed later. Since it isn't the former, I would assume the later and withhold judgement for a while until that could be clarified, though it initially makes be a little dubious. For the terminology, I've been working on noticing how other (published) authors introduce things like this (as well as handle description), and have basically found that what seems overboard to me while writing is actually sparse relative to some of the published works. Of course, it needs to be inserted in the correct place, and polished, etc., but right now I'd recommend filling in the broad strokes for most of the terms. Especially in the first couple of chapters of a SF&F novel, I expect to get little tidbits of background info scattered in with the text, to better help me understand the story. As for what happens in the prologue, I'd suggest either looking at cutting it, or expanding it just slightly. If you take the second option, I would suggest getting a little deeper into Lysandros' head to show his thoughts and emotions throughout. Especially in the beginning, he should be frustrated both at the course of the war so far, and also that he has to convince the others to do what he sees as obviously correct. (This might also give you an opportunity to directly contrast this need with the savage's commands-from-on-high advantage.) Once he gets his way, of course, then he can turn to worrying about if they have waited too late anyway, possibly as he presses forward with his men the next morning. On the phalanx organization and retreat, what you say makes sense, but so do the critiques to me. I can go with the king being in front (especially if we get a bit of thought detailing why he feels he has to be there), but during the course of battle, they almost certainly have to have some way of communicating beyond just one man shouting orders. In my limited knowledge, phalanxes also seem to work best with other units supporting them, such as bowmen. Of course, bowmen may not exact fit the historical feel you are going for, but you might also want to have Lysandros lament how their structure also makes it so they can't rely on each other to support when needed. On to the first chapter. I agree with the others that it takes some of the tension and loses it --it unfortunately reminds me of a long meeting at work with a few too many people present. I'm not positive how to solve this, especially in the context of your story, but one possibility would be to focus more on Leontas' goals and his anticipation in achieving at least one of them, if things go as he plans during the assembly. This would allow you to add a touch of tension to the proceedings, plus possibly gloss over a bit more of the speeches while still giving us the information in them (by Leontas summarizing them with editorial comment). Perhaps another option would be to trim a lot of the beginning, and have it start right before Leontas is to give his own comments. It would still show a touch of the proceedings, but the text could quickly summarize the debate occurring and move right into his introduced change. This depends on how much attention you want to draw to Lysandros' death, though. Finally, on the italics debate, I personally find italics easier to read in a setting like this, but I know and understand the underlining tradition as well, so it's no more than a hiccup to what I'm reading. If I were to vote, however, I'd vote for avoiding the hiccups.