cjhuitt

My mistake. Apparently I sent it to myself instead of reading excuses. That should be corrected soon.

Since some recent critiques have talked about POV errors, why don't we start this one off that way also? Right at first this struck me wrong (besides the potential missing comma), and I wasn't sure why. At first I thought it was a POV error, and it might be considered such -- Dias probably doesn't know what the people realize or don't realize. On the other hand, I think I know what you are trying to convey, which is to him they couldn't realize, or they'd be running also. However, I think the problem is larger than that, and the possible POV error is more of a symptom than a cause. I think the real problem is that the sentence is full of tell instead of show, a problem that I feel kind of continues through the next paragraphs. I mean, Dias basically thinks he's running for his life (or his father's) right now, correct? I don't really get a sense of him feeling that from the text. Of course, having said that, here is another potential POV error at the end of that page: This part confused me, and I had to read it a few times to make sense out of it. This especially applies to the last sentence quoted, though I'm still confused how someone could be stronger when they have no stamina. Of course, this could just be my personal perspective on what makes someone (physically) strong. Another point of confusion near there was the people starting to rally (I assumed against the invasion), but on the other hand a riot is possibly imminent? Plus, while I'm mentioning them, the side-conversation between Dias and Amaryllis ("You could change that") was kind of intriguing but also confusion, and why was Dias suddenly running around in the house before it had been thoroughly checked? Or did I not get a good sense of time between Rosalin entering and Dias entering? Why does Rosalin set her spear down? One last problem on this chapter: "The emptiness in the rebuffed new projectiles as glass never could." doesn't quite make sense to me. I'm guessing there's at least one extra or missing word in there somewhere. I liked the second chapter up until Amaryllis announces that the big bad wolf is waiting outside. I guess I still haven't been sold on Rosalin's attachment to Sericea, possibly because I was never attached to her. This means that I wasn't sold on Rosalin's big change of heart about going outside, either. I quoted this for the typo recognition, but it also doesn't seem to match Amaryllis' later opinion of the hole. Right here, it seems like she's rooting for that escape route, but in just a few paragraphs she's not even willing to get in the tunnel. Maybe they don't want to bother since he could just track them, but it seems odd that Rosalin would jump into the hole to escape wolfie while he was watching. Also, if I were them I'd be worried about a quick transformation and a man-sized beast following them into the hole right away, which would lend quite some speed to my getaway, though the description doesn't seem to imply any extra speed. Until they have the tunnel blocked off, perhaps things should move a touch faster? Finally, I've mentioned before my feeling that this is approaching the end of the story. To me, this means that it feels like we'll be seeing some plot threads start wrapping up. It looks like this might be more solid progress on Dias' father subplot, but when I'm feeling this way it's kind of disappointing to have what appears to be a main confrontation avoided. I'm hoping that's just a temporary setback toward the main confrontation, and that they will be more interactive now that most of the main characters are near each other and fighting.

This is to discuss Blue Crystals (Draft 2), Chapter 2. In chapter 1, we met Jorah as he was threatened with conscription by some city guards, then helps his group of small-time thieves with a robbery. Large parts of chapter 2 will seem familiar for many of you. I hope you can enjoy this take on it, though you could skip it and still know the important plot elements. I'm looking for any feedback, but also specifically the following: - The blocking and pace of the action. - The descriptions; both amount and content. - Anything especially good or bad in the writing. Thanks.

I think I'm ready to submit another chunk of my revisions, assuming the silence around here means there's room on Monday.

It's good that you have these and know them, but I'm sure you realize the story should be accessible without knowing the table. This would be similar to Mistborn (or a lot of other books) in that the metal effects that are important are introduced in the story, and the story could be understood well enough without finding the allomatic chart in the back of the book. I skimmed it myself but didn't look too closely, because I don't want to miss helping you in spots where the text doesn't impart the proper knowledge, but that I got it from the table. The one thing I noticed was the listening ability that Panther has, which explains part of my problem with the prologue and chapter one that you sent out. However, it just modifies that problem into what I just mentioned -- the reader shouldn't need a chart to figure this out, but the text should explain the ability (or at least, strongly hint that an explanation exists). Since it was from Panther's POV, he presumably knows how the ability works, or has gotten used to hearing things that aren't nearby, or something that can give the reader a hint that he isn't just casually overhearing conversation from the couple standing next to him, or anything like that.

Personally, I'm kind of picky about POV, and I thought there were multiple POVs and switches, though I'll grant you the first ones I found are subtle and tie in to another possible problem: right at the beginning of the piece, I don't know who's POV I'm supposed to be in. Padrick is talking at the beginning, so I started off supposing it was him. Then Young Thomas had a quiet frown, which was the subtle thing I was talking about. Since Padrick's paragraph didn't contain any hint of POV, I'm willing to skip to someone else's perspective, and here the paragraph for Young Thomas has a hint of POV. It's just a hint -- that "quiet" frown -- but in combination with the fact that POV is almost always established early, it's enough to make me think that Thomas is the POV. The only problem with that is that he probably doesn't think of himself as "Young" Thomas, but I chalked that (and the first paragraph never mentioning him) as minor flaws to be corrected. Right after I had decided that (in a snap judgement that takes much longer to explain than describe), I had the feeling that the POV switched (back?) to Padrick in the next paragraph. This was partly because a "wicked" grin implies intent, but mostly because he "had seen the gate open and close more times than he could count" (missing a period there, BTW). So at this point I made another snap judgement and thought that Padrick was the POV after all, since that would fit with the general tradition of leading a section with the POV character being the first character mentioned. That would make Young Thomas' "quiet frown" either a subtle POV error or an unlikely description from the feeling I'm getting from Padrick's character, but not too far out of bounds for a rough draft. Then of course, a few paragraphs without POV, and wham! We're in the POV of Commander Hadera. At this point, I'm both a) sure the POV is supposed to be Hadera's, and giving up, shrugging my shoulders, and assuming this is omniscient after all. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's established in the first page (3 potential POVs in 6 paragraphs), so I think I was wrong to assume a 3rd person POV, and read the rest of the prologue as omniscient. In fact, until I read your response to the possible POV error, I was only going to mention smoothing the POV shifts a little to make the transition smoother for the reader, rather than point out potential errors. The feel of omniscient is enhanced by Commander Hadera's perspective always referring to him by title. It's a rare person who thinks of themselves with a title, and it puts some distance between the reader and the POV character. Beyond that, I'll echo what the other's said. It's a good start, but spend some time trimming the exposition and interleaving it where you can. Also, have a good look for spelling (I saw Hadero at least once) and grammar mistakes.

Though I voted that I both critique, and write for critique "more", it really depends on the time of day/week/month/year which one I am doing more of. Lately, I've been doing more critiquing than writing, which I probably want to adjust here soon.

On the prologue, my biggest issue is that most of it doesn't seem like a prologue at all. The first chunk, with Rick, felt more like a proper prologue in that it was set well before the rest of the action and apparently had not much to do with the start of the story proper. (I assume it has something to do with the overall story, but am waiting for the connection there.) For the part with Rick, I wasn't ever feeling a connection with him. It seemed like you were trying to develop one, but I didn't feel it. About the tech: the reference to specific phone types, especially iPhones at only version 7/8, doesn't seem reasonable given that this is supposed to be 74 years in the future. I mean, it took Apple what, 5-6 years to go from the first one to the 4s (I'm not even including the 5 so that it doesn't seem to fly by too fast). If Apple keeps making and naming them like they do now, in 74 years they'll have the iPhone 42s, or something like that. I'd be surprised if it's even called the same thing, or that they are even called phones by that time. Likewise the reference to 4G access (which is available in parts of the world now, nevermind in 74 years) and Verizon (I'd be surprised if the same company/name was still around then). For the rest of Rick's part, the explanation of the EEST seemed like an unnecessary info dump, although quite quick. The line about dying on the trip seemed like it was trying to be a hook, while the assassination line definitely was. I assume the dying part was indicating some sort of generation ship, or cryo/revival, or something like that. When you start talking about the assassinations, the scope pulls way back and goes directly to telling the reader rather than showing. This especially includes the paragraph about hacking. Finally, the last line in this part generally confuses me. I'm kind of used to this in a certain type of science fiction stories, though I don't often read ones that have really steep learning curves. However, given the other problems already present in the start of the story, I would tend to chalk this line up to poor viewpoint/narrative phrasing, rather than the possibility that Rick is both still alive and assassinated, which I kind of guess is what you are going for. As I said previously, I felt like the rest of this wasn't exactly a prologue, especially since chapter 1 started in the middle of the action just started in the prologue, only an hour later. I kind of like the Panther character, especially as he's presented at first: someone who has chosen not to talk, due to some effect his voice has, and who can intimidate or blend in as he chooses. On the other hand, the reveal that ends the part of this action that is in the prologue doesn't grab me at all. Right off the bat I have problems with it. The first is the coincidental nature of the discussion happening right when he could hear it. Next, the description so far had been of a very empty ship, with apparently only Panther and Valcar roaming that part of the ship, and in fact Panther was headed to something called the Isolation Room. Now, suddenly he can hear voices, but he can't locate anyone who could have been speaking. If the threat presented by the spoken words was that important, it should be trivial to track down the speaker. Finally, it seems to strongly smell of maid and butler dialog by the end, talking about all the attributes of Panther that the reader doesn't know, but the listeners presumably do -- or would learn in some other setting, not this one. Also, at the end of the prologue division Panther thinks he'll investigate "later", which apparently means immediately writing down what he heard and finding Valcar to help him investigate, which doesn't seem very much later at all. In the first chapter, the conceit of having Panther think something and Valcar respond to it, or nearly so, is starting to get a bit thin. Fortunately, you address this a bit later with Panther actually regretting that it wasn't really mind-to-mind contact. There is another abrupt switch to Panther hearing conspiracy dialog, this time right in the middle of a different conversation. From the way it was written, I didn't really know what to think about the switch. My best guess was that he had some sort of subconscious decision to tune Valcar out and listen in to something else, but that doesn't exactly seem to fit with him running off. However, I'm at a loss for any other explanation, so I am generally left to conclude that the author just wanted it to happen right then. If the reason why this (overhearing conversations about conspiracy actions) is happening is supposed to be one of the discoveries in the book, I could believe it, but at this point you as the author haven't built up enough trust in me as a reader to take it in stride and read to find out what the discovery is. It's never explained what caused Panther to start running, either. (Or is it Talon at that point? I was kind of confused on that switch as well). Right when Panther starts running, there is what I think might be a POV error. The perspective changes to that of Valcar as he gets out of breath trying to keep up with Panther and then watching him run off. It may not be an error if you are writing in omniscient, but if that is the case, I'd kind of like an earlier indication that omniscient is what is going on. Mind you, this isn't bad as one I read where the POV was "omniscient", but really all from one character's perspective until about 80% through the book, when it suddenly jumped around in the middle of a chapter before settling back on the same character for the rest of the story (IIRC). Anyway, here the perspective shifts back to Talon right about at the explosion. I think you may have had a wrong name in there also, since I think "Talon would have looked like a larger form of Talon" should probably be "Talon would have looked like a larger form of Panther". The fight was good enough, but I also had problems with the computer interface portion. I'm not going to pick on that too much, since I'm a programmer by trade and so would probably have far too specific problems for a general-read story, but here are some of the biggies that people who have had almost any contact with computers might notice. For something like controlling a ship, how could those files even be deleted? It seems like "deleting" the radio ability from a car's stereo. Why would they even use passwords so far in the future, rather than biometric identification? Even with passwords, how would they guess the password in three attempts? Or if they aren't guessing, why take three attempts to three very different passwords? Speaking of which, in any place you'd type your password now, only •••••• shows up. Why do the passwords appear on the screen here? The screen was "locked", but Talon could both read everything that had been typed in, and type in commands himself. It was far too easy to trigger a self-destruct. That one didn't even require a password, where in reality any well-designed self-destruct would require authentication and probably a physical component to enable it as well. Likewise, stopping the self-destruct was way too easy - just tell the computer to stop it, and it does. Kind of tying in to later stuff, but are there no backups for a critically important piece of software that controls a large machine's functioning? Anywhere? Finally, a timing issue. Talon attacks the group of men while one is at the computer typing franticly, but the log shows nothing happening between the 30 minute warning for self-destruct, and the 20 minute warning, with only minimal text typed after. What was the guy on the computer doing, then? Lastly, Panther gets off too easily for being present where the saboteurs were also. He is pretending to be knocked out, but somehow something basically fought and demolished the others, and he isn't suspected of either 1) being one of the conspirators who had been taken out also, or 2) having done the taking-out and reversing the self-destruct? Also in this last part, we get more maid-and-butler dialog explaining to each other that there are still problems remaining from what the saboteurs did.

Overall, an interesting chapter full of action. Now, about that action. It takes up a lot of the chapter, and as such I have quite a few comments on it. Trizee mentioned the commas in passing, but I want to be more specific about it. The action was confusing for me in many places as written, which could often be fixed by punctuation changes. I'll not limit this to commas; I think a lot of the run-on sentences should be separate sentence, not just peppered with commas. I'd go so far as to say most of the sentences in the beginning of this chapter should be short. It's standard writing advice because it works so often: keep your sentences short in action sequences. Predominately long sentences slow down reading, and therefore the reader's perception of how fast the action is moving for that part of the story. Mostly short sentences does the opposite. Examples: as opposed to Or a longer section: vs. (I added italics to set apart the inner dialog [first person present tense] from the rest [third person past tense], which helps also. You may already know this, but I've met quite a few people who haven't had this explained before.)I tried to keep most of the same words you used in the same order, despite not quite being the same style I write in, and only change the punctuation and tense in the examples (plus the formatting). Of course, in a few places I couldn't help myself, but hopefully you get the idea. Once you get to where Madren is fighting the bandits, things get even more confusing in many places due to not distinguishing who is doing what. This is also extra important in an action scene, and sometimes hard to do when you are trying to convey action, action, action and not action with long explanation. Even so, reader confusion slows down the story even more than brief explanations. Some examples of the confusion I had are: Madren had a bow? Here I first thought "his ribs" referred to Madren's ribs, since "his hiding spot" had referred to Madren's hiding spot. I thought the tears were on Madren's face, not Kynver's. A similar mistake happens later in the chapter.There was also one place I thought might be a POV error. I mostly point this out because you had apparently been working hard to prevent such, as evidenced by the sentence: However, it was shortly followed by: This isn't necessarily a POV error, but after reading so much of the chapter so firmly in Madren's head, it seemed a little out of place.Looking at some of the other things Trizee mentioned, I thought there was enough connection between the first and second chapter (katae, the Shaper) that it would probably be enough for me, especially as chapter one and two of a fantasy story. However, there is something to be said for trying for some similarity of situation or feel in the first chapters. It couldn't hurt to strengthen the feeling they are in the same story. I caught that Madren picked his sword up again, although I might have just assumed so anyway. The illness came as a surprise to me, though, as did the pregnancy. As did her previous treatment at the hands of robbers, for that matter. It seems reasonable to skip on some of that during a fight, but it seemed like all of that came flying out once the bandits were gone, which was especially odd since we got the color of her eyes and hair in the first paragraph -- two attributes not nearly as relevant to the situation as the fact that she was sick (thus they were traveling the in wagon), was pregnant (and thus had a baby at risk during the attack), and had previously been raped by bandits (and thus potentially unpredictable in her reactions to bandits). After reading all this, do remember I said that I liked it. I think there's a lot of good in here that could really shine with some polish.

I also want to echo that this chapter feels weaker than the previous two (or one plus prologue, I guess). I agree with Jack that this is the point to advance the plot, and the easiest way to do so is to set up an immediate conflict. ...and here is a great opportunity to sow some conflict. A ruling council accustomed to things working one way, with the king suddenly gone and a young upstart prince shaking things up. It happens over and over in fiction because it does in life as well; people in power resist change, because it might take some power from them (or they push for change, with a plan to gain power from it somehow). This would be another good spot for conflict, especially with the council and how they go along with him (or don't). If they are reasonably experienced councilmen, at least one should think about this... although the suddenness and shock might keep them from it at first. Also something that might keep it from being raised: waiting to use it against the prince/king-to-be at a later time. In fact, now that I think of this, the prince's description was kind of vague on how the king was killed, and only a couple of the other councillors know this. Perhaps they are planning a surprise? I sure hope so. Finally, after the council-room scene ended and Fen warned them all to tell not even their wives, I expected the next scene to be an uncomfortable one with him and his new wife. It would be a nearly perfect setup, especially if he was manipulated into telling her somehow (authorially manipulated, mind you, not necessarily by his wife), and the information got out to his disadvantage. That would be a fun setup for conflict also.

I might say the same here, that they should be a bit more focused. However, maybe that's the difference between writing one for an existing story, and writing one for a potential story. I think your NaNo 2012 version is quite concise, although it might lack a goal for the protagonist.

Of course, sometimes it isn't easy, or maybe even possible. It was harder than I thought for my own, but I think part of the point is to figure out what the one primary idea for the story is, and work from there. Really, there's no reason you have to do it that way -- especially not if it starts any sort of crisis. This I definitely agree with, and it's why I'm trying this out now.

All right, it's been a bit more than a week. Here's the next "assignment". Read Jim Butcher's post on Characters. Write out the following about your upcoming story's main character: Exaggeration: In what aspect are they wildly different than the reader? Exotic position: In what way is their setting interesting? Introduction: What is a typical and memorable character action they can be performing when first introduced? Empathy: How will their initial setup, problem, or goal make the reader empathize with them? (I'm deviating a bit on this from what the post says, but I think it's worthwhile.) Tags and Traits: How will the reader consistently know who it is on-screen? As the reading material says, they don't need to all be present, but the more the merrier. Note that I morphed V-factor into tags and traits, because those can be done ahead of time. The rest needs to be embedded. OK, technically empathy needs built throughout the story also, but I want to try to start with some right away as well. For bonus points, do more characters. Either other major characters for the upcoming novel, or major characters for your current novel.

2012 Nano: When a lost magic sword resurfaces, one-time orphan Guntram sets out to retrieve it for the king. But will he succeed when the other noble houses want the glory (and the sword) for themselves? Current story: Pursued after stealing some magic crystals, Jorah tries to get his life back to normal. But will he succeed <<redacted to not spoil critiques>>, Lord Dominik attempting to retrieve them at any cost, and his bad luck catching up to him? Options: When his fiancee is murdered, Jon tries to drown himself in scholarly research. But will he succeed when a strange illness strikes the country, and her family insists it was impossible for her magic to transfer to him? When the king's deadline for naming his heir approaches, heir-candidate Migul is determined that he not be named. But will he succeed when his own survival demands his best effort in the trials? When his uncle commits suicide, young Pridely must take up the family position of chief shaman. But will he succeed when the weather magic demands a yearly sacrifice of those he loves the most?

I like both of these, but I wonder if you could make it even more succinct? I think the obstacles are fine in both, but perhaps the setup could be cut down a bit. I know this is hard for me also (and I haven't done my own assignment yet, but results pending), but I think part of the idea is to boil it down as cleanly as you can. for example, in the second one is the fact that they are both runaways crucial to the plot? The different backgrounds?

I like this. It doesn't have the multiple "things go wrong" yet, but it certainly sets up a potential doozy of a conflict. This seems a little more generic to me. I wonder if you have the focus wrong? What about: After being rescued and retiring to the country, Nikus finds out his parents are alive and in need of rescue. Will he succeed in saving them when X, Y, and Z? I like all of these also, but the last really raises some questions. Questions like, how could she explore the universe after she dies? How could she be "charged back to life"? It has the potential to be a really cool setting story, I think. The same with the Dose-Core one, maybe (though I'm not usually a fan of reading about torture).

Thanks everybody for the feedback (so far). I'll try to restrain myself to only a few comments. I had wondered about introducing too many at once, which was one reason I added the beginning focused mostly on just Jorah. Since six characters were actually there for the robbery, it looks like I might still have a bit of work to do . I may have to look into this also. Then again, since I have kind-of targeted a YA audience, maybe the second. I'll have to see how it comes out in the end, I think, then revise to match. I usually like the Niven/Pournell thing, and actually enjoy doing it to my own chapters (at times). My wife (jokingly) mocks me, since during writing I talk about how many words I added, and during editing I talk about how many I removed. Still, I neglected it for this chapter, and I think it shows. That's a good question, and one I hope gets answered (or at least, addressed) later in the book. For this, I am using kilometers. I had just used a (common?) corruption of referring to them as 'k's, or kays. I may need to reconsider that if it throws too many people off, though. In my original idea for the story, Jorah truly wasn't much of a thief, so not much competence does come through. I'll have to consider this with what you and Trizee mentioned, and see if I can't make him more likable in other ways. I didn't generally do this, but I do like ending on a snappy line when I can. I will say, originally the hand grabbing his foot was in the second chapter, but I didn't think I had a strong enough ending in this case to carry the reader through, so I moved it. I may be called out on this later, but I don't think most of my chapters will end like that. Again, thanks for everyone who's taken the time, and if anyone else is waiting, please don't be afraid to jump in and pile on, or even point out a different concern.

I enjoyed these benefits also (although for me, the Scrivener thing was from two years ago). You obviously have a different atmosphere at the write-ins than we do here. Ours are (mostly) structured, with usually 15 minutes of writing followed by 5-10 off, alternating. The lovely lady (and ML) who runs a lot of ours likes to give goals and motivational aspects, and also switches it up with longer sessions, occasional 5-minute sprints, and things like that. There is a fair amount of talking between writing times, but mostly everyone stretches, refills water, and empties bladders. Also, 23k would be celebrated in amazement, but not stand out too far; a couple years ago we had one writer complete 3 100k-ish novels in november, so obviously he was getting a lot written. (He is also a screenwriter by profession, I believe, so he has a lot of practice at writing as well). Me, I'm happy to get 5k on a Saturday or Sunday, so I'm slightly jealous, but satisfied that I can make it work in the 30 days. I see Silk caught this one also, but I don't remember this happening. I do recall that if you manually changed your word count, it would un-validate and I'd have to validate again, but that wasn't horrible. Myself, I usually wait until the next-to-last day before validating anyway. If I miss it and don't officially win, I'm OK with that as long as I know I made it.

I agree with what the others have said, and I think akoebel covered my concerns most succinctly. I will say I thought I had a hint of setting from the demon think, the vaguely Roman name "Plous", and referring to a marionette, but it wasn't enough for me to be sure. Sorry to not have a longer critique, but I don't want to just repeat the others without adding anything new at all. I'm watching for the next chapter, though.

Before anything else, I think it's both odd and flattering that you named a character after me . I think you could get away with Grant letting the reader know this. In fact, he could say almost exactly that. Since this is first person, he can "tell" the reader things with a bit more leeway than a third-person narrator can, and this is something that bothered me a little when I read it also. I also thought both these things as I was reading. Not fatal to the story, but things to work on for your next draft. My other issues were small character motivation things. For instance, why does Grant wait a week to start looking for Caleb, but then jump right in? Maybe that's how case workers are, with so much else going on that it isn't until it's a big thing, but a few words addressing this might be nice. Also, regarding Grant's motivation, I didn't see the connection to the notebook he found and reading about kids messing around with (what they thought was) magic, and why he would try it out himself. He just does it, and not even he can figure why. Finally, the mirror-Grant trying to kill him right off the bat. Of course, they come across as twisted villains so it's less of a problem, but I still was never sure why Grant was being attacked. Also, the dialog seems a little off. I think part of it is trying to sound a little too natural? Maybe? I know one part is a lot of referring to people by name in the dialog, while also having given the reader their name right before the dialog. It seems redundant. As an example, the following are all quotes just jammed together, with the intermediate text removed but speaker names added by me: [Grant] "Hello Deloris." [Deloris] "Did you find him Grant?” “Is he ok? Where is he?” [Grant] “We don’t know where Caleb is Deloris. I thought I’d stop by, see if you knew anything that might help find him.” [still Grant] “Look, Deloris. Can I take a look around? Just to see if there’s anything the cops missed? A note. Something.” Again, thanks for the shout-out. Caleb

I'm going to do something a bit unusual and disagree with a number of the other posters. I actually liked the prologue more than this chapter. That's not to say that the prologue didn't have issues, because it did, but I thought more exciting things were happening there. Kings ambushed! Uber-weapons misappropriated! Tales of derring-do! This chapter, while moderately interesting and something of a setup, feels like, well, a setup. There were good parts and bad parts, but overall it just felt like a setup chapter, which is not usually what one wants for the first chapter. I think a lot of it has to do with Fen being pretty passive and easy to push around (although he kind of pushes back, just a bit, by insulting his father in law). Basically, he sits and thinks, gets insulted, contemplates his new wife while two acquaintances duel, and dances with his new wife. How much of that is him doing something? I think the character needs firmed up a bit, in my opinion, and given some conflict right away. Something more than "I have a beautiful new wife but don't know how to relate to her." Alternately, though riskier, make him weaker and obviously able to be pushed around, since him being pushed around is an obvious source of conflict and potential growth. Another possibility is to make the relationship even newer. You refer to marriage month, but it seems they've had time to settle into a separate-room routine already. It couldn't be the day after the wedding, if the king is already gone and dead, but could it be only three days later? Maybe she's been in her separate room from the get-go, and he's not sure how to break past her propriety and suggest sharing a bed without making it a formal request, which (formality) is not something he wants with his wife? I do agree with this. At the very least, maybe make it a nagging suspicion he's held, without any actual proof, and anyway not something he can accuse anyone of. Yes to this also. Maybe rather it could be worked in a little more with his blossoming relationship with this wife (if it blossoms). Yeah, I'm not sure I want too much focus on Loriyya, but if she is one of the main characters, I'd like to see her either drug through mud, or have a secret super-competent identity with what we see as a front. Maybe a spy or something, to work for her father's and her country's ends? This too. Although I wasn't too overwhelmed, it was a lot right at the beginning, and I'm unsure how many will be important for the story. I think that's a great change to make.

Regarding the reworked chapter 1 from my novel Blue Crystals. Large parts will seem at least moderately familiar for many of you, though I added a new section. I also reworked how quickly we get into the story, hopefully avoiding the slow start that my last one had. I'm looking for any feedback, but also specifically the following: The setting; what does and doesn't make sense, and of what doesn't make sense, what makes you curious and what makes you want to dump the book. The descriptions; both amount and content. The hook; if you would want to read more. Thanks.

Since there was at least a bit of interest, and since I'm ego-centric enough to treat this forum as my own personal entertainment, I thought I'd start leading some novel-prep ideas here. You're mission, should you choose to accept it, is twofold: Read Jim Butcher's post on Story Skeletons. Write at least one story skeleton to try and use for NaNoWriMo (or another time/another story) this year. The following will give you bonus points: Current Story: Write the story skeleton for the story you are currently working on (writing or editing) if you have not done so already. Multiple Options: On Writing Excuses sometime recently (and I can't seem to find it) Howard suggested coming up with a list of ideas, and choosing one of them. Try making multiple different story skeletons. They can be posted here for general discussion and support, or done on your own. Have fun!

If you're excited to start, don't let me stop you. However, I think I'll create a thread here later with the first steps, and we'll see how it goes from there.

That's one of the posts I'm talking about. If you go to http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com and scroll to the bottom, then start reading up, that's basically what I was looking at. It makes things seem to simple, though as everyone knows, simple doesn't necessarily mean easy.