cjhuitt

You are quite right, but most of that falls beyond the summary stage (in my opinion). However, despite the term "king", one might say his grasp on the throne isn't as secure as that might imply. Thus, him going after the sword, plus many of the noble houses. The church, as mentioned, also wants it to either destroy or confiscate if they can't destroy it. Beyond that, once other nations (and powers) find out it has resurfaced.... I think you have the basic idea down, but as I read this I can't help but think there are two or maybe three setbacks in there (Ember is separated from her friend, she is caught passing notes and sent to the principle's office, and she tries to avoid punishment but fails. I wonder if those might actually be three consecutive scenes, especially since the goal at first is to meet with her friend. The logical end of that scene goal is being separated by the teachers (which reads to me as a "yes, but..." answer). Yes, feel free to modify the framework. The setup category in particular sounds useful, though for my own planning I wonder if I would use it as much before the first draft? I might be more likely to do so if I use this framework to help clear up the second draft and make sure everything is working.

Thanks to both of you for your time. I'll address the typos and try to clarify the confusion. In this case, it was supposed to read "I will offer a pardon - for just one man, and not for the original thief." I may expand that part of the scene just a touch as well, but basically Lord Dominik is insisting on punishing the actual person who took the crystals, even if that slows the recovery of the crystals somewhat. Interestingly, a couple weeks ago I went to a showing of Les Mis, and I was noticed some similarities also. It's possible they were playing in my mind before I redid the scene, though it wasn't conscious if so. I'll bear that in mind if it seems to fit somewhere. Right now, I don't believe that's in the chapters I have. Thank you for the feedback on the setting -- clearly, I have a bit more work to do on it, but at least people don't seem quite as confused as for the first draft. I have a few more chapters to go where I am trying to firm up the impression of the setting in the reader's minds, so I won't specifically say what the setting is supposed to be until after those. At that point, I'll get more benefit out of specific suggestions on what does and doesn't help, rather than getting people's initial (or second) impressions.

No problem, I'm happy to get the feedback. I had expected something similar after people's comments in the first chapter. As I said, I'm considering ways to make Jorah more likable right away. I'm also considering if I should have quite so much fighting at the testing grounds in this chapter, but I'm not sure if I should change it or not. If I do, however, that may also help keep people interested through the chapter.

I also should have another chapter for this monday. Assuming I finish rewriting it. Caleb

About the first, I didn't know it was a different planet. The only planet we've seen the crystal people on is the one that has Panther and Valcar, so I thought it was just their own name for that planet. So far as reading minds goes, I knew they could read each other's thoughts, but not necessarily human thoughts. Even so, the way the chapter was presented was that the crystal people knew little of the humans, and Scilair at least thought plants were worthless, so I didn't think he would probably know about farming. It is different than most of the previous chapters, which seem to have a lot of stuff happening in them. I noticed the other two were kind of shorter, but this one in particular stood out, so I mentioned it.

My overall impression was confusion, particularly in the transitions between chapters. The short chapters in this week's submission don't help, but a lot of it has to do with what seems to be little in continuing plotlines between any of the chapters. So far, we have some of the same characters (slightly), but I haven't seen much if anything to connect them. I also don't have a strong hook to keep me reading. Another potential problem is as mentioned on Writing Excuses about the proliferation of viewpoint characters. So far I've read 5 different viewpoints, which exaggerates the problems I mentioned. Chapter 3 I was immediately confused, because I expected Valcar to be in the spaceship, or at least have some bit of early discovery on the planet. At the end of chapter 1, it was apparently unsure if the spaceship would even be able to stop or land, or something, since the controls had been deleted. Instead, we skip right to normal, boring work on the planet. This read like an info-dump for the reader (though at least a short one), and made me wonder if it was apparently an aspect of a gift that just grants the user knowledge about it -- otherwise, how does Valcar know all that about his newfound gift? The editing in the beginning of this chapter is rough. Some of the sentences, especially the multiply compound ones, take a lot of parsing to figure out. Also confusing in this chapter is the sequence of events with the explosions. I don't often complain about blocking in a non-action scene, but this really stood out to me. For example, Valcar is just waiting around in the elevator while people place explosives and return. However, the explosions are happening while he waits? Why would they be that close to the explosions (less than 30 yards [and in a sci-fi story, I'd expect meters])? Apparently also there were people near Valcar during the explosion, and rocks go flying around where they could hit people? Valcar leans against a wall to stabilize himself, then drips blood as he stands up (even though he wasn't hit). They are using explosives and hand-held jackhammers. How would others even hear the gasps? Valcar sure seemed pretty willing to just toss rocks at crystal statues without even figuring out how fragile they are. The discovery of the crystal aliens/weapons makes it sound as if nobody else on the planet had come across these. Then, the end of the chapter makes it seem like an earthquake is imminent. However, in Chapter 4 apparently other people have swords and there is no repercussion shown from the discovery, or the apparent earthquake. "About" three? Maybe more, and maybe fewer? I was quite distracted for a while trying to figure out what state "well-better" is, and how a policeman might get into that state. More seriously, the note didn't seem necessary, and the commander makes it redundant. I thought it was too much extraneous stuff for this chapter. Of course the illness was built up quite a bit. If the illness ends up being something important in future chapters, then that's probably OK, but be careful because it is built up here and never used in the rest of the chapter. I also thought the explanation of the patrol pattern was too much information, unless needed to understand something later. When Panther is listening, a young boy being beaten by his mother isn't something that would result in pain? The bit about 9:00 cutoffs for crime seems like it is supposed to pique my curiosity, but it just annoyed me that I got no explanation when everything else was so thoroughly explained. In Chapter 5, the confusion really sets in. I can gather that this seems to be one of the statue people we saw earlier, but some things are incredibly different. For instance, they are moving and acting. Another difference is the reference to a mountain of metal, when I thought metal was very scarce on this world. Additionally, the phrase "human minions" at the beginning makes me think he's in charge of making sure the humans do the proper work. Would Scilair know many of the things he seems to know? Like "humans", for example, or more specifically "farmer" and "daughter" and "small girl" and "child"? Otherwise, chapter 5 is short and straightforward.

This is to discuss (draft 2 of) chapter 3 of Blue Crystals. In chapter 1, we met Jorah as he helps his group of small-time thieves with a robbery. In chapter 2, he wanders into a testing ground and loses the loot he was carrying from the robbery when he is attacked by monsters. I'm looking for any feedback, but specifically would like opinions on the following: - The introduction and characterization of Alberic - The descriptions - The worldbuilding Thanks.

Only a couple more weeks until November. Continuing with plot, and looking at more specifics... Read Jim Butcher's article on scenes. Write down the following for your opening scene: Point of View: Whose point of view is the opening scene from? Remember that the opening scene should generally be in the POV of your main character (or protagonist). Goal: What is the character's goal in the scene? Refer back to the POV (or main) character's introduction information and see if there is a goal inherent in there. Conflict: Identify the scene antagonist, and how his/her goal conflicts with the scene protagonist. Setback: What causes the scene protagonist to fail to (completely) accomplish their goal. Remember the phrases "yes, but..." and "no, and furthermore..." For extra credit, repeat the above for the story you are currently revising. For additional extra credit, plot out a few opening scenes and see which one you like the most.

Beginning: "When a lost magic sword resurfaces..." a rush to claim the sword occurs. End: Guntram will capture the sword, but fall prey to its influence. He'll attack Arkady with it, and she'll use a family fighting technique to disarm him (possibly with his subconscious knowledge?). Guntram will then attack her and force her to wield the sword against him, fulfilling the conditions for its destruction (and meeting the prophecy I may or may not want to add into the story). Middle: The king's army has gathered with most of the nobles to try and claim the sword from the mage currently keeping it. Unbeknownst to them, the church had also gathered its people and are forcing the king to negotiate with them as to the disposition of the sword after it is claimed (the church views it as an evil artifact). Unbeknownst to either of them, the revealing of the sword sent magical echoes throughout the lands, and other mages are also converging on the location. The big middle is when all of the factions are revealed.

I've been thinking about this some more, and an starting to think that I might make my main character extremely determined, rather than particularly good at swordfighting. He'd still be decent at swordfighting, of course, and willing to put in a lot of practice. But not exactly a natural.

I've got a reworked chapter 3 to submit this monday (tomorrow) if you think there's enough room.

If you think it's something the reader should/would know by now (in the final draft), then go ahead, and I would indeed prefer it via email,

Personally, I'm not sure that the additional scene in chapter 2 needs to be there, or not like this. If it is important to show the conflict between the two early on, then I think the snippet should be expanded to be part of a fuller scene that really shows how they don't understand each other. If it is not important to show that conflict at this point, then perhaps the scene could be cut altogether? To start chapter 3, I note a technique that bothers me somewhat (but that I see fairly often in published fiction, so it isn't necessarily bad). I'm referring to showing a character in one position, then spending the next bit of time recapping what had happened offstage since we had last seen that character. To my mind, it's either important enough to show directly, or it's something that could probably be picked up in context. In this case, I'm going to suggest mostly context, with maybe spreading out sone of the explanatory details (such as starting chapter 3 with "A few days later," instead of saying how recently they had returned. I think it would be nice, and make Fen a bit more like someone raised to be a prince, if he had already entertained the thought of a traitor. He may have reasons to dismiss it, but he should at least have considered it before Lord Pheasen says so. Also, Lord Pheasen's name switches near the beginning of this chapter. I can't remember for sure, but I don't think we've heard his first name before. I suggest using the same name from Fen's point of view throughout, unless there's an important reason to change. It will help the reader keep the characters straight. Fen's thoughts about Loriyya and their relationship struck me as telling in this case. You could probably improve it by working other, more concrete things in between the thoughts, such as doing up his outfit or whatever a prince has to do to prepare for the funeral. I think having the crowd watching the funeral and Prince Fen be a little uneasy about the sudden transition would be a good lead-up to the changes Fen makes near the end of the chapter, but I don't see much like that here. Beyond that, if there is a traitor, which Fen suspects, how does he think they would react to his announced changes? Also with his announced changes, who would customarily be second to the king before he had an heir of age to help rule? Will they be upset about Loriyya taking a place at the top of the hierarchy? What about other heirs -- if Fen had died, who would be the next in line? What do they think about Fen's changes, which could theoretically remove them from the succession altogether? When Fen makes his announcements, I'd also like to see a few more concrete details from the crowd, and hopefully also candid looks at some of the ministers (who probably weren't expecting the changes). Finally, I think in this case it would be best to end the chapter on the turmoil of the proposed changes. The talk to another(!) minister/lord/whatever about a possible traitor can wait until next chapter, though I did like his idea of assigning one of his people to look into the matter.

If he has an affinity for light, maybe he can somehow know what it is doing near him? I would suggest that (along with what Brandon and others say) the limits of what they can do can be more interesting than the abilities themselves, and trading being able to see well for being able to be invisible sounds like an interesting trade-off to me. As I mentioned in the post about your table of gifts, it's good that you know what is going on and can explain it. However, I'm not sure that explaining it to your readers in a separate document (the email) is exactly the best way to get good reactions for what is in the book. It might help us give better feedback, or it might make it so we can't see the story with fresh eyes and point out the problems. You'll have to decide which way is likely to give you more useful information during critique, but in the end the only thing the reader will get is what's in the book.

Probably. He has to start out at least competent, so that 1) he can be put in his place by Damien at the beginning, and 2) he has a chance to be in contention to obtain the magic sword at the end. Although I suppose I could make him competent in a different weapon, and not a sword. Maybe.

This is (some of) what I replied to the prologue and chapter one for the previous version. These are still a problem. The specific types have mostly been excised, but I'm not sure it improved the function any. The iPhone 9 is still referenced as a vastly outdated piece of equipment, but if it was that outdated, how would it even still work? I mean, not even the most out of date retail store would have one available to steal -- it would be like a store keeping punch cards around today, just because nobody had bought them yet. Even if he got one, however, what would it connect to? Would he even be able to charge it? The same technology concerns carry over to getting a note on paper (possibly, but unlikely that far in the future), his mother driving the car (ditto), or even "animated movie" vs "video", even presuming he'd have watched something as old as Brother Bear. I also think the Eiffel tower reference was off-putting. It is more clear now that Rick "survived" his assassination somehow, but the rest of these issues remain, and have even become stronger in some cases (there is more here that is directly told to the reader). This needs smoothed, but at least the explanation is there (and later where it happened again). Still there, and this time even stronger in that it is clearly a POV error. I don't think these changed at all, really, so they still stand. For chapter 2, right at the beginning I wonder what the first paragraph is supposed to be? It's possible it's meant to be one of those little chapter heading texts, and the formatting just isn't there. Even so, I'm not sure that there's any part of that paragraph that we need to know at this point in time. I filled in the way I parsed the pronoun antecedents in these sentences: "Fallout walked down the dark hallway, toward the Emperor of New Rome. A few recent problems had occurred with him[Fallout[, and he[Fallout] had reportedly been killing citizens of Rome." You probably want to clarify which him/he is being referred to. Another confusing part, at first I thought "coding guards" might have to do with Fallout's ability or something, but I think it was probably just a typo. In that same paragraph, the rest of the paragraph is basically telling the reader again, instead of showing. The same with the following paragraph. You could instead show his concern with being touched by showing him moving to avoid the people. At this point, we don't need to know how the invisibility is happening. (By the way, have you read L.E. Modesitt's Recluse series? In it, one or more mages (I can't remember exactly) learn to bend light around themselves to become invisible. The problem is, if you are bending light around yourself, then none is getting to you, right? So, the mages can't see anything when they are doing this. It makes me wonder if Fallout shouldn't have the same drawback. Fallout approached the throne room doors, waited motionless ("as if a robot"), then stood and followed the advisor. However, my mental image for someone waiting robot-like does not generally include them sitting or reclining. When Fallout uses light to wrap up the advisor, I thought he was capturing the other man in order to follow the advisor back. One of the reasons for this is prior to this point, it was always "the advisor", not "the man". The numbers don't mean much to me at all in this chapter. I assume it's showing Fallout's reserves, but I think there could be better ways of showing this. Unless his ability to measure the amount of light something takes is important later in the book, and you need the precise numbers to demonstrate the ability, I'd recommend tossing them for more relative descriptions. On a larger scope, there doesn't seem to be much to connect the first two chapters together except for following the actions of two people with special abilities. It would be nice if there were a few more things that are similar between the chapters,, in setup or something. Not necessary, just nice in that it helps build a sense that all these scenes and actions are connecting in some way.

As you say, they are exaggerated in the same way. I will probably need to resolve that somehow, but right now I'm at a loss for how. I'll probably have to change Guntram's exaggerated aspect, somehow.

Now it is time to move from characters back to plot. Remember when you wrote a story question? (You can review it again now if you'd like.) Read Jim Butcher's article on the great swampy middle. Write down the following three things: Beginning: How is the main event set in motion. This should come out of the story question, since it had <When event happens> in it. End: How will the story question be resolved? Middle: What is a Big Middle you can use? Remember to both add a lot of drama, and set things in motion. You don't necessarily have to do them in that order, but I find it is the order that helps me when figuring out what the middle should have. For extra credit, repeat the above for the story you are currently revising. For additional extra credit, consider the other options presented for solving the great swampy middle and see if you can't add them to your planning as well.

For my antagonist in the upcoming NaNo story, Damien: Exaggeration: The best swordfighter in the kingdom, far and away. He's scary-good. Exotic position: The King's Sword, a mix of executor and enforcer of the king. Introduction: Beating Guntram to win his fifth Tourney in a row. Empathy: At least at first, he appears honorable in how he defeats Guntram. Even as the novel progresses, he tries to do what is best for his family. Tags and Traits: Dark mustache, whip-thin, tall, scar on one cheek (near mouth), smirks (with other side of mouth, mostly), unfailingly polite. For another major character, kind of between antagonist and force-of-nature, Ulberic: Exaggeration: An ancient water mage. He was the last to win the sword (multiple centuries ago). Exotic position: A hermit living well into the foothills of the southern mountains. Introduction: Facing down the King's armies as he tries to obtain the sword for himself. Empathy: He has spent untold centuries of his life trying to destroy the sword, which he considers evil. He has at least managed to keep it from influencing the rest of the world. Tags and Traits: Great white beard, deep blue eyes. Large nose. Wild white hair, always sticking out. Deep blue robe. Very private: doesn't eat or drink in front of anyone. Avoids all physical contact with others.

I like how you've set Ember up. My main concern is that her introduction should perhaps be along the lines of her imagining something into the world, or at least include that aspect, since it seems to be an important aspect of her character.

Hope to soon! Of course, first I have to get a novel into shape I think is good enough. That's where this site comes in.

All right, I've been slacking off, I admit it. That's the bad news. The good news is that I finally did my homework from the last post I put myself up for doing homework, and now my reward is allocating more homework. See what fun this is? This one is easy. Re-read the last entry if you must, and this time write out the same issues for the antagonist (or antagonists) of your story. For review, they are: Exaggeration: In what aspect are they wildly different than the reader? Exotic position: In what way is their setting interesting? Introduction: What is a typical and memorable character action they can be performing when first introduced? Empathy: How will their initial setup, problem, or goal make the reader empathize with them? (I'm deviating a bit on this from what the post says, but I think it's worthwhile.) Tags and Traits: How will the reader consistently know who it is on-screen?

When did NaNo get so close? Only 29 days away!? For my main character for the upcoming NaNo novel, Guntram Holder: Exaggeration: One of the best swordfighters of his generation, and focused on becoming the best. Exotic position: An orphan given the chance to become adopted into one of the noble houses. Introduction: Fighting for the championship in the king's tourney, against the current champion (and "hand" of the king). Empathy: The current champion plays with him and then easily defeats him, due at least partially to Guntram losing his composure in the match. Tags and Traits:Dark hair, dark eyes, thin beard, birthmark, liquid movement, steel link bracelet, plain sword with a worn leather grip. Not as easy as I thought, but not horrible once I got into it. I'll try another, one of the other main characters, Arkady Travill: Exaggeration: The best head of family (by far) in her house's noble history. Exotic position: The only (surviving) child of her father, one of the most prestigious of the noble houses. Introduction: Working the crowd of other nobles at the king's tourney, evaluating their desires and positions and using them to strengthen her own. Ends with her being forced to admit that her father's plan to adopt (instead of name her heir) would strengthen their house's position. Empathy: Her father blames her for not being a boy and therefore able to inherit the rule of the house. The house's prestige has diminished due to him not having a male heir (and his own dealings, usually against her excellent advice). Tags and Traits: Wavy hair. Dirty blond hair. Sharp green eyes. Angular chin. Thin. Hard. Emerald pendant. Elegant vests. Sarcastic thoughts, only occasionally shared. I think I might like doing this. It's not easy to do off-hand, but I can already see that it's helped me firm up my impression of the characters.

I just have to say, "un-retrocessioned" threw me for a loop as well. However, it does add to the interest of the hook.

I should have responded to this sooner, but what is the Bradbury approach? I'm not sure I've heard of it.