cjhuitt

In another week or two, I'll be looking at mine again (just in time for November and Nanowrimo, wouldn't you know). Not this week, though.

Another aspect occurred to me this morning, which may or may not help you. I really couldn't mention any goal that Tommy is actively working toward. He doesn't want to die, but that doesn't seem to alter his choices any. Presumably, he wants out of the story, but he doesn't investigate or make any attempts to do so. It would be nice to have an overall goal that he is (consciously or not) working toward, outside the story. Not being picked on? Finding his father? Having unlimited reading time? What does he want, and what are the obstacles to it? Knowing that, I would probably be more interested in reading about him struggling with the obstacles and eventually overcoming them (or not).

This started very much in the middle of action... almost to a fault. I don't think I agree about a chapter to set up the mission, but I think a paragraph of scene-setting somewhere near the beginning would be useful. I would like to see a bit more description as well. I feel like most of the action is clear enough, without getting into too much blocking and detail. There were a few places where more detail would probably help -- such as "the device", already mentioned. I also wondered at Eric's exuberance using his energy to get into the elevator. The pair come across as very experienced, so I would think they'd want to save their energy as much as possible for the later encounters. I don't know if the muscle-men added anything to the chapter. If they don't come into play later, you might consider removing them, or at least reducing their screen time. That would also set well with the rule of three -- the initial guards to show what the pair can do, the Boostjammers to show it's the normal pattern for the pair to win (even in harder circumstances), and finally the third confrontation for them to fail. Speaking of Boostjammers, how does their jamming work? Does it have to be conscious? That is, once they were taken care of, could Cressy drain them? How large a field does it cover? I also would tend to think that four people trained in martial fighting ought to be able to take down one opponent, but it fits fairly well with (and contributes to) the over-the-top feel of the chapter. I'm curious to read that you plan five viewpoint characters. Are they all going to be first person? That might be hard to keep straight, but I guess I'll see in the next chapter.

I read both chapters 2 and 3, but I'll group them together a bit in my reply. Adding on to what was well-covered by Asmodemon, the biggest difficulty I had was figuring out if Tommy is active or inactive in the book-world. For example, he starts off chapter 2 thinking "my wife", when he would probably think "Tamaska's wife", or "Reule's sister", or something like that. (BTW, am I reading that correctly that Mylva is pregnant?) In your summary, you saw we learn how Tommy is pulled back into his own world, but I didn't learn anything for sure. The best I could saw is that it might have something to do with having his mom call him back? If you really want a reader to know how the mechanics work after this chapter is over, you may want to look at that while revising. Also, I would go along with Asmodemon's comments on revising. If you feel you have to revise and have a solid idea of what needs changed (and what needs to stay), then I guess go for the next draft. I think I'd be wanting to see how a few more chapters went before looking back to the beginning again.

I really liked the idea and setting. I think the beginning could use a little more description, to play up the difference between him knowing he was going to die and the peacefulness he seemed to feel. A bit more description of the surroundings (to ground us, given that we spend a lot of time incorporeal in the story) might help. How old is Tarnin? How old are the other priests? I also think adding the description of the ceremonial poisoning up front would help. That would set up the later reveal a bit more. Do the apostles need to be young men (or women) for some reason? Would the pain of the murder that all the priests participate in be lessened or mellowed by living a lot of the allocated life? Or is it murder all the same? Interesting questions to ponder. You might want to consider hinting at answers to them, even if you don't outright reveal the answers. Does the manner of poison, or the time, really matter? Another question I had on the second read. I'm starting to think I could really get into the setting if I can come up with all of these questions. In many classic hero journey stories, the hero initially refuses (or wants to refuse) the task. In this one, you have him embracing the task early, then considering refusing it late. I wonder if that leads to some of the awkwardness in the ending, or the feeling that the story is cut short. What is it about Tarnin that leads him to be able to recognize things so much more quickly in the spiritual world? This may also be part of why the story feels like only a beginning, because we get hints that there is something special about Tarnin, but it doesn't seem to make much difference in the story. Finally, not that it needs particular emphasis, the end felt incomplete. Hopefully some of my other comments can help you figure out why.

Brief notes on this chapter tonight as well: I was confused for the first few paragraphs as to the POV (similar to what Hubay said). I was surprised by Ciera's strong reaction to Onmk, as I didn't remember her thinking about him or wondering where he was in the last chapter. It seems like something she is so upset about should be present in her thoughts when it is happening. I like how Lorn casually deflects her choice to eat or not. I was surprised Ciera didn't make more efforts to leave. Threats, anger, bargaining... something. I'm also surprised at her apparent lack of desire to escape. She wants to be able to translate the Compendium, true, but doesn't she have to work in the morning? From the tone of the previous chapters, I don't think she could easily get away with not showing up to work one day. Plus, who's going to believe her when she tells them she was captured by a man? In the library? She's likely to be blamed for the torn paper left behind as well (Was it left behind? Now I can't remember), even if it is blank. About the cipher stuff: I thought it was fine. Of course, I've been doing the quotes in the paper for half my life or more now, plus I've taken a class on it in college. I didn't see anything wrong in your description of it, either. The only thing I'm curious/impressed by with that is being able to write a short ciphered text in a digraphic cipher right before dying... it seems like that would be a hard one to memorize easily enough to just spin out some lines.

My brief thoughts after catching up and reading this... I'm surprised that there is no communication, even with a battle going on. Two possible reasons occur to me for this; either everyone who might take a transmission is occupied with the attack, or the battle disrupts the communications somehow. If it's the first, I would expect that there would at least be one person noticing and taking calls, or the equivalent of an answering machine, to let them know that others can't make it. For the second, wouldn't that be detectible? Or do the calls routinely fail without knowing why? A minor thing; Darkclaw says he will not repeat himself, then immediately repeats himself (about being the one to speak with the Snevans. Speaking of the Snevans, I did find the accent hard to read. Fortunately, there wasn't a lot, but in one section it got annoying. It might be more tolerable if only some vowels were shown as drawn out, instead of nearly all of them. It seemed like Darkclaw gave up pursuit of the fleeing alliance ships. Was he no longer worried about discovery? Now that I think about it after reading, I wonder why he wasn't worried about discovery the moment they saw the alliance ships fighting. Also, if he thinks they have a chance at a decisive victory now that he and the Felinaris are present, he would probably want to eliminate as many alliance ships as he could. I questioned that Darkclaw couldn't plan anything on the trip to see the Snevans. He may not be able to predict what is likely, but that just means having plans for a few varied possibilities. The martial aspect of the Snevans was well done, I thought. As was Darkclaw's impatience. This was good even through the minor planning session.

Still late, and still catching up. I agree with Hubay that some more thoughts about leaving the temple would be worth exploring. If anything, it would help counterpoint the emphasis in the last chapter that he not leave them. At the very beginning, I was surprised at the sparring match, because I had read the end of the previous chapter as Albione being sent away immediately. If it didn't happen immediately, I assumed he would have been fulfilling his punishment (recite the creed all day, then repeat). That he is sparring seems like he was given even more time before the punishment happened, or had his other punishment softened, or something. Any of these could be valid, but I think an explanation might help if the sparring stays where it is. Albione seems quite surprised by the size of the crowd. I would have thought he would have had some exposure to it, somehow. What about the flood of people who come to the temple? Where did all the crowd go during the night elf attack? I'm not sure having two difference chapels showing the disparity is necessary... but on the other hand, perhaps it is in order to show it's not just one temple. Maybe if you don't bring attention to the actual wealth for the first one, beyond the brief description, but focus on the size/cleanliness contrasts. As it's written now, it seems like a small case of "I just read that, a few paragraphs ago". I thought the second one was well described and had me going with the story at that point, except for the deja-vu feeling. I did kind of hope that Albione would have refused the temple, or not given in to the comfort as much as he did. The griffin fight was well-written in general, but raised a few questions for me. First of all, I wonder how easy it is for griffins to sneak up on their pray, for it to get as close to Albione as it did. Mind you, he was distracted, but I don't know how many birds would be singing if a griffin was in the sky at all. The second question, of course, was why the power seemed to fill him but then not work on the griffin. I do hope we'll learn the answer to that one. Right before his power failed, Albione was exulting in it and thought about his later greatness he would be able to do. That seems far different from the brooding Albione we've seen recently. If it is a subtle indication of how the power changes him/people, then well done. It did jump out at me a little bit, though... I want him to keep humble, because it's the humble ones that are the most fun to see win out. I wonder if there's some way to make the beginning/end of this chapter mirror itself somehow, or have some other connections in circumstance or action. You've got the natural mirror of beginning/ending the journey (even if he didn't quite make it to the monastery), and a sparring match/fight, but would more help make it a little stronger? One option might be to make the sparring happen just after Albione leaves (the temple, before leaving the gates) as a "surprise" attack by Rane, in order to help cheer Albione up and to allow for a goodbye -- if you think it would help the story. If you want to do this, you could probably come up with things much better for your story than I could. Also, I'm ready to read the next part. At least the next chapter, to see what happens.

This is well late, but I thought I'd add a few thoughts. First, I also enjoyed seeing the different perspectives, if only for a little bit. I'm not sure what the point of the section with Rane is. Does it connect to something in earlier chapters, or later in the book? Right now, all it does is show Albione reconnecting with his life, even a small step, where the rest of the chapter shows him being driven further and further away. Also, there are hints of conflict in the section, but very little actual conflict by the end of that section. As it stands now, it seems out of place, and possibly extraneous. The prayer beads. I haven't read all of your previous chapters, you might recall, but I don't recall the beads being necessary brought out in the previous chapters. Also, it isn't clearly noted that he forgot the beads in this section -- he steps forward and lays a hand on her, but the other hand isn't mentioned, unless it's still holding the coin. I think it would be a stronger scene if the reader can realize how he is messing up, possibly just before Albione himself does. In addition, it would be better to have more understanding from Albione's perspective why he might have forgotten the beads. He'd been up all night, right? Maybe show his thoughts jumping all over the place as he tries to concentrate, or something. On the other hand, his concern for the woman first helps keep me interested in him. Is everything the High Priestess says about the future a prophecy? I don't recall the exact circumstances, but she reassured Albione while dining with him, correct? Would Superior Pate automatically assume she had spoken prophecy, or question Albione on whether it was perhaps a reassurance offered to a younger member of the church instead? I'm slightly surprised that Superior Pate believed Albione to be losing faith so easily. Surely others have bouts of questioning as well? It may well be enough to go to the high priestess still, but it seems extreme unless Pate had been let in on Albione's importance, which I don't recall being the case.

I got into this chapter right away, especially after the last one. The transition to the recognition that they have merged was a little rough, but nothing was seriously wrong with it, in my opinion. I liked the change from Amaryllis, once she's realized that she might be able to fight. The lack of preparation on Rosalin's part was well done also, I thought. You use the word lith, which I've not encountered before. A quick dictionary/web search doesn't enlighten me either. You might want to explain it, assuming it's not a repeated typo. The conversation switching between external and internal had a very realistic feel to it, to me (as realistic as a fantasy like this could get), but it was still confusing in spots as the conversation swung back and forth. In particular, it took until my second read to make the connection between why Amaryllis is fighting and the fact that Rosen had bound her in the past... and longer until I realized that must be what Rosalin does to end the fight as well. I liked that you had Amaryllis not get caught talking, although the way it was phrased reminded me very strongly of the Incredibles. I'm not sure I like the anger in Rosalin. Is that a part of her own character, or is that a result of the merging? I'm hoping it's a result of the merging, but whichever way, you might make it more clear. This chapter ends on another cliffhanger -- two in a row. I'm still reading and looking forward to the next, so it's not bad yet, but I'm hoping the next chapter or two will end on a non-tense note to give me time to breath.

In addition to the comments recovering_cynic made, this chapter held quite a few surprises for me -- mostly the good kind. It definitely seemed to me to be setting up a scenario of younger sister somehow finds a way to help the older sister prevail. This is especially true since it appears that Sericea appeared to know what the fight was about, or at least know a lot more than Rosalin did. (This intrigued me, by the way, so good job there.) Then to have Rosalin actually "kill" the giant was slightly unexpected, but well done. The repercussions I didn't expect at all. They really pulled me into the story and made me wonder what was happening. I noticed some spots that could be improved. First of all, Rosalin is hurt enough that she's shuddering and each movement causes pain. However, a few paragraphs later she's up and running/leaping with no apparent injury at that time. Also in that area, you wrote that the stone sliver fought Rosalin. Since we're seeing some pretty powerful magic happen with the stone spears appearing, I actually envisioned it fighting her off when she reached to grab it. You might want to be a little careful with that. I would recommend trying to clarify somehow what has happened between Rosalin and the giant in this chapter. I thought she had changed into the giant, so while I was surprised to have her be as tall as her sister, I was then surprised she wasn't much taller. This is especially true following the note about the spear being in her hand and how light it felt. I definitely didn't understand the way she was able to get the giant (in her head) to stop. It very much seemed like the giant was overpowering her own will and taking over, so why would thinking about stones make him stop? How would Rosalin have known it would? The end left me wanting to know more about what was going on, so on to the next chapter (so conveniently delivered just today).

I'll take the time here to note that I read your prologue before the forums moved, and liked it. I wasn't able to open chapter 1 for some reason, so I don't know if I'm supposed to know the characters or situation at all or not. From the way it is written, it appears to be an introduction to these characters and this location. I agree with Sir Robert that it was rough to start out. On the other hand, I did quickly get a feel for part of Rosalin's character -- likes to sleep in, doesn't want to wash up, and trying not to make her sister's life too difficult (and likely failing at times). There was a good chunk of description about the inn. I wonder how much will be significant to the story? A few good details are fine, but some of them seemed extraneous. I'm guessing part of my feelings are caused by us starting off so tightly in Rosalin's viewpoint, and a lot of the details seem like things she might not notice or would just gloss over. I'm not sure how old she is here, but I'm guessing 8-10. At that age, one example I feel she might not notice is what wood the bar is made of -- or if she does, we might get more of the other types used also. (From the other descriptions of the owner's architecture and decoration, it doesn't seem likely that the beech bartop is a trophy would or anything.) I'm not sure it's really a problem, but it helped make the first part harder for me to read than the rest. I also think that the ground shaking may need to be called out a little more. You might also want to set up the initial tremor a little more (unless we've already seen something to do so in the first chapter). I'm wondering if she could be shaken awake, for instance. I also expected Rosalin's reaction to be a bit stronger, if she'd never experienced one. If nobody in the village has, I'd expect that to be a topic of conversation... possibly between Rosalin and her sister when she returns with the food, before mucking the stables. Another option might be to have Rosalin decide she'd imagined things and had just missed her step... the first time.

Continuing my catch-up. This made a nice change from the last two in that we get some action. On the other hand, I thought it was a little too direct. Or maybe too clearly blocked out, or something. It's a lot of A happens, then B happens, then C happens... to me it reads like what they described as videogame fighting in Writing Excuses. Their suggestion was to (paraphrasing) get even closer to the character and show it how they perceive it. I think it could also be improved by making the action more active; right away there are a lot of "made (verb)" that could just be "(verb)ed." An example for both is "She screamed, and the pain made her loose control of her wings." The scream is good; Jhuz would definitely notice that. The second part is more passive, but I think showing what happened (her wings fluttered out of control as she dropped from the sky) instead of how it is phrased would help. Less overall perspective may help also. For example, in the next paragraph you state that the fight had given the Nothroi army enough time to get sandsnakes close. That seems like very strategic thinking for someone who's seeing how well his metsi can keep him alive. One more critique is the same as the last chapter. Jhuz is free now, and acting, but what is he feeling about this? Scared? Exhilarated? Comfortable, now that he's finally in the air again, even if he's being chased by his enemies? I don't recall any emotion from him from after he first engages the harpies. Some bits on tactics: one of the main things I was wondering during the initial escape with Hex was why they didn't flip, so Hex's complete weight was being supported by Jhuz's body, instead of the other way around. Like Asmodemon, I wondered why he was suddenly able to fly quickly once they were exposed. Finally, if he knows ground support causes so many problems, why doesn't he book it to and across the river as soon as he can? I know you said he doesn't always make the smartest decisions, but a couple of these seem common-sense. I thought the end of the chase was somewhat anticlimatic, and also the description of looking for a meal slightly off. I think just a bit more reflection from Jhuz on both would help out. I especially wonder how he's planning on meeting up with Hex again if the army's going to be sending out a search party soon. I'm guessing that Hex doesn't travel faster than the average person, and don't think Jhuz would have any reason to know Hex could if it was even possible. That may play into the supper bit, by the way; Jhuz might as well catch and start cooking/eating a supper before Hex is able to make it to the meeting place. Despite all the things I mentioned, I think they're quite fixable and don't really affect anything outside of the chapters. I'm about to glance through my inbox to see if there's another chapter to read, but I have an unfortunate feeling there's not.

Well, I'm starting to get caught up. Overall, I liked this chapter (and the last). Some of the reveals do seem a bit sudden, but I'm willing to wait for the other viewpoints before saying that for sure. There was a good chunk of exposition, but I didn't think it ran too long. I would echo Asmodemon's thoughts that it would be nice to be more thoroughly grounded in Jhuz's perspective in the chapter, and get his emotions more evenly throughout. As it is, it seems like we see some stuff happen, then Jhuz has an emotional reaction, then he calms and stuff happens, etc. Of course, this could be the Chell manipulating him.... If that's the case, it will be tougher to show those emotions. In answer to this, they make enough sense that I can try to guess at how they might be acting behind the scenes. I fully expect some of those guesses to be wrong, as well. Right now, I'm willing to RAFO for them.