Usseewa

what's a good place to start also what do u think of my new pfp uwu

kind of

them finding out or, consequences

i mean if you mean steps to transition, I've... ...got new clothes, now I only wear new, more fem clothes (tho currently I'm wearing a hoodie but it's more androgynous). This includes skirts and tights/thigh-high socks, as well as crop tops (i stormin love crop tops omg. and have basically my whole life hehe... tho never wore until transition). ... I'm basically out to everyone at this point, including in public. ...using new name and pronouns. ...new shoes even. and jewelry (tho i haven't worn as much lately cuz sometimes it's a hassle... Same with skirts cuz they're not the easiest to spend the day in, even if they're super cute and I love them) ...tried makeup once, it was nice. ...paint my nails often, i love it ...tried on fem/tucking-kinda underwear, but didn't fit quite well. Also... I still wear my old underwear and i sometimes hate it, but i also HATE shopping for men's underwear, like it gave me dysphoria last time I tried. And I don't really know how women's underwear works. ...tried to get HRT once. failed. gotta try again sometime, but not sure if they'll want me to have wanted HRT for six months (I'm only at like 3 or so rn) ...talked with a gender therapist. still meeting with them. idk what this has done but probably good i guess? ...i kinda wanna try on a bra or something like that, but like if i do it in public people will notice and it'll be weird so... ...tried voice training exercises. Like, once. After watching a bunch of YouTube videos. it's so hard though and i didn't really get it... How's yours going? are you, like, making noticeable progress? cuz idk I'll undoubtedly struggle with it but also want to at least get a start so in like a year or two years or however long it takes, I'll actually have something going for me instead of waiting a year to start when i could've already had progress by then, if that makes sense. idk, how do i determine if I want hrt? and if i do, how do i verbalize stuff? stuff that i might not even be able to form thoughts for to myself. idk . should i just wait a few months? i don't really want to but probably can if necessary.

oh oop— I would have more but I wasn't active much in March or this month i mean for some of it but yeah kinda anyway yeah it's cuz i post a lot, i guess i was super active the first few months (cuz i was super lonely irl/otherwise coughcough) also I'm not sayin' my age uwu but people've thought I'm anywhere from like 13 or 14 to like 22

btw i wasn't really looking at Heya :3 for any reason

hmm okay well life is a mixture of misery, yearning, and fun

is that sarcastic or smth? they actually do in some ways, and it depends how you see it ig

but i gotta prove it to the doctors.. i gotta learn to speak to them Yeah, ik, but...idk Yeah.. you seem to be bringing this point up can you give me some advice on next steps or something? like... should i try writing out my thoughts again.. shudder shudder..? (in like a document or journal or something)

yeah well... that's life. life is hardship. that's growing up for ya, kid.

Kinda, and uh no I think finals are just naturally more difficult. I mean.. I just spent like 3-4 hours doing this one math homework (it wasn't even *that* long). (Also just cuz I post here doesn't mean I am or am not an adult) it also helps if you don't use the Shard as much trust me

W3Schools too.. but more when you already kinda know stuff and are looking for info on how to do something you already know. If that makes sense. To be honest, Scratch might be useful too lol (Or any of the other websites that are similar) It uses drag-and-drop block coding (so, not a lot of typing), but teaches you a fair amount of fundamental Computer Science/Programming language concepts. Just.. be aware that there is a large social/community aspect (which you don't necessarily have to engage in at all), but may be distracting eventually, to the point where you find yourself spending more time chatting/commenting than coding. But yeah. I didn't use Khan Academy much.. but from what I did do, it was pretty good I think. I'm excited that you want to learn coding :3

Realizing your whole life is a regret so you shouldn't regret it cuz it's useless to do so

Lol I love it i have decaf sometimes cuz adhd and stuff

Moving!

Hiatus

Dilapidated

"No has to study if they've got it all seen"

a ThErApIst nah jk online socializing at least for me cuz i can talk to people online (better than irl) and not really irl not to say therapists aren't useful, they are, I was just jokin

Being confident in what you say. (Not using question marks lol) (I'm kidding btw pls don't take offense, i do it too) (also please don't be pedantic... i didn't mean not using question marks at all) (whatever this is pointless)

I think Chaos has stated he has a testing account, so he can probably have multiple. aka admin superiority

Lol fair fair I'm gonna try to make a Minesweeper bot, for no reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (except fun) DON'T GIVE ME HINTS LOL

why do you keep saying this I don't understand I know that... in theory, at least. everything i've been trying to say about how i'm confused may be a.. larger issue, since I've seen it with other areas of my life as well. The "don't worry so much about what to call it" advice is good.. I always am like "omg this advice is so good" and then can't remember everything later and sigh.. As for the "don't worry about if you're doing it right"... I don't know. The issue is me not knowing if I'm actually doing what I want. I need to talk about this with my therapist lol... I actually kinda brought it up so we're prolly gonna talk abt it sometime. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I think I finally had someone understand how storming difficult it is to think sometimes, and know what I think, and talk, and know what I feel, and stuff. At least we talked about part of the issue and will be discussing it in the future, like next time or whatever. I know, I think, but how do I know if I'm just saying it because I know it's a generic reason, or if I'm saying it because - even if I know it's a reason people give - I feel it, too? sometimes I feel like I actually do want breasts, and other times it feels like i'm trying to make myself feel like I want them, or maybe actually searching within myself for that feeling, just to feel.. valid, real, authentic, belonging, comfort or discomfort (comfort from having the discomfort of dysphoria). And wow, that was one of the more true things I've been able to think and write in a while. I.. "want to want" them. They are all appealing, and while I'm not sure if/how much I want them, I wish I did, and I wish I was certain. I wish I adamantly wanted breast, different body shape, softer skin, "better" body/facial hair growth, everything. Maybe I do want them, but I have to move past the barrier I set for myself. You mean like "I knew I was trans since I was 5!" Or even just how it can appear that all your ("your" = "mine"/"Lily's", but I'm also seeing if You (Tess) relates) queer friends just... knew strongly they were queer, and it was obvious to them that it's who they are, and thus you.. aren't queer, since you aren't like that? I actually had someone come out to me once, and... I don't know if I fully got it, or maybe I did. I mean at first I asked if they were joking , cuz we'd been talking about queer stuff a bit (which was honestly probably their way of setting the topic for the discussion and stuff now that I think of it). But they said no, they're not joking, and I.. was like "cool" probably (I don't remember exactly). I think I asked a few questions too, but yeah. But... like that person, I doubt they knew their whole life. Anyway moving on.. It just... would make me feel more authentic, I guess. I don't fully get this, and also I kinda have to figure out my sexuality at some point, unless I'm lesbian like I currently think (which would be awesome lol). Like.. I've heard of people realizing their sexualities were different from what they thought after transitioning, like thinking they are attracted to girls and then (mtf) being attraction to the male humans instead. I have a lot of trouble with choices sometimes. I feel like I should.. let go.. of all these tethers/binds and cages and walls and restrictions and just.. somehow be a cliche metaphorical bird and be free and somewhat unworried and be me instead of "me" But.. sometimes I have the feeling that I just want to be very femme, so I guess very femme enby. Or sometimes androgynously femme enby. But is that just cuz I'm still accepting that I'm a binary trans woman, or is it actually who I am? Or does it not matter, and I just accept what I feel and let life happen? Though to be honest they/them (including she/they or they/she) pronouns aren't always what I want.. but neither are the she/her side of things. This could just be because I'm getting used to such a big change? Everyone suddenly calling me Lily and She/Her.. but at the same time it doesn't feel like I'm fully a girl (in their eyes, and in mine probably), so they're sort of.. not fully convinced, or they're lying, or I'm lying. You know, I've always wanted my name on something. I've always wanted a company, a creation (perhaps software or a tool I programmed), or even something relatively inconsequential like.. the name of my computer or earbuds/headphones, or my phone, or a physical label, or something. Maybe that's normal, or it doesn't mean anything, but yeah. And I've done it, with my deadname. Not sure how I felt about it, but I did it. But I always felt like I wanted a name. Maybe I didn't feel my assigned name match, because I did/wanted the same thing I said above, but in the online space. (Hopefully this next part doesn't reveal too much info) I never made usernames that were like, PurpleLion4532 or whatever (I made that up rn). I always did something that I connected to, and I always wanted to make it known, to have people call me by it, to have it.. be my identity, in a way. I wanted to label my projects with it it (for platforms that allowed sharing stuff), etc. I could attribute this to namesniping culture (basically... on some platforms people try to get "cool" usernames, like words or whatever without any numbers and limited underscores and whatever), but I think I also wanted to stand out and be someone. When I was making my Shard account, I was surprised by how many names weren't taken that would normally be eaten up on many other platforms. I realized that the Shard isn't one of those places (which I'm kinda glad for, as the community is better here imo). I settled on Theory, which was both a namesnipe but I also something I connected to (since I had the intent on posting some Cosmere theories). And.. I made it my identity sorta. I made a pfp (I like doing that), and yeah, when people called me Theory it was nice, like they were kinda.. recognizing or.. what's the word.. 'ng me. I changed it to Usseewa because I didn't connect as much to Theory (and... Theory gave me dysphoria, I think), and I still like when people call me Usseewa, but I love Lily too. Idk if any of this means much, but I feel like it might, even just to me. I think the whole "choosing a cool/unique name" thing is still ingrained in me, but it's not always a bad thing (tho.. sometimes choosing a nondescript/arbitrary/random username can be good for privacy reasons.) But anyway, I always wanted people to know my name (username, lol) and idk, use it? Both me and them. I wanted it to be.. like a real/IRL name is. Ya know? It really shouldn't... But I kinda feel like one minor plus is that if I don't figure it out myself, it opens room up for doubts later down the line.

ohmyado I relate to that too much (if i'm understanding correctly) also, ♪ No mistakes, no pressure ♪ (Surface Pressure, from Encanto. My fave song from that movie.) (referencing the title of this blog entry. the first time i saw it i immediately thought of the song)

what? you mean the "uhh ill respond later"? gimea few girly minutes to respond