uhhhh well.............
i've still been on and off the shard, like i took a two-day break or smth and then came back today.
and... i'm not sure, i don't think so
maybe last break i was better doing but idk. yeah......................
i don't know what to do cuz my brain wants me to keep being depressing, but that little pesky health-and-reasonable part of my mind wants me to stop and maybe seek help...
i dont want to do anything i wish i could just do nothing and nothing at all and just not do anything and not make choices and stufffffffff
i wish i could either get all better and be happy and not... whatever this is... or just succumb to the temptations and... do things...
hm..mmm...
succumbing is kinda easier but i don't really have that option, yk?
but how can i be happy besides making myself suffer? what's there to joy from? like... idk.ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
ooooooooooooooooooeeeiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaieeaeiaieiieaieiaoei
oh sorry i forgot..
i don't know what i want at this point
i just...
i can't get help..
i can't
i can't
i cant cant i can ti cant ica t icna ticant icant icant ic anti c ina i cant i ca nti ca i.jjjd
because iif i do... if i do...... idk but it won't be good.
maybe.. i should get help. maybe it is just shame holding me back. or fear, or something along the lines of those.
but ................................................................
i just feel..
like what if i just made myself feel this way and then that means it's my fault and i'll just be scolded again like always and .... and it won't actually help. but i secretlly hope that whoever i talk to won't do that and will... understand me. i don't need people telling me verything i do wrong. or maybe i do, but i already tell myself that and i aleady know and already i'm aware. u don't need to tell me how i'm screwing up my life or making the wrong choices or being a piece of half-living crem because i already know and it doesn't help when you tell me it just makes it worse. it just makes me beat mysef up again and shrink down into my little whatever and just .... idk . i know. i already know! uu dont't need to ... remind me.
and if you do, what does that mean? how do I handle the conflicting logic? are we both somehow right? or is one of us wrong? which ? jjjjjjjjjjeffffffffffffffffffffjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
oEvery time i get scolded it feels horrible. every time you say my mistakess, sometimes i already knew them and you just confirm it for me. and if you're right to do so? that just confirms the voices telling me what a failure I am. and maybe im exaggerating or maybe im just stating the truth of my mind. because... when i tel you to stop it's because i can barely take it and you just won't stop...won't.
what am i writing, i dont even know...
heh.....
i have a problem either way, yuou know. either i have whatever the heck mental health depression problems, or I don't but i have a problem for.. putting myself in a bad mental state and not being able to understand anything.
i dont know,...
i want to.... do something. maybe howa bout...................................................................
go to sleep...
and wake up deperessed again
you know last night i think i went to bed feeeling bad. and woke up feelign bad too. it's like i never slept. who needs sleep anyway... who needs to be aliveveveve
i just dont want it to get bad bad..
or at least not bad enough that there's no return.
becau se aat least if its's bad bad then i can feel worthy of getting help. though if im being honest i cant predict if i'd even get helffpp.
becuase yeah...
anyway....
thtt was weird and made me more depressed but whatever.
i'll talk to someone.. eventually.
but i hate people that are...ugh.
also i have no good reason to be suicidal anyway so what the heck am i doing to myself..
edit cuz i thought of smth: another issue is.. i don't rlly know how to talk about "it." I don't even know what "it" is, really. so.. idk..
