Usseewa
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Everything posted by Usseewa
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not doing that so you do feel the pain or being taln or something
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Eternal storm of self-inflicted suffering ♥
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Diestorm
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I've realized that i see myself as a girl at this point, and i know i am. I'm surprised and... disgusted, in a way... when people think I'm not. sure i guess it makes sense but it feels like it shouldn't. like isn't it obvious I'm a girl? it should be...
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blizzard
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Windy
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yay! suki was great
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Anyone else feel... idk what words describe it... but bad when someone in public misgenders you it just makes me feel like ... just.. bad. worse than i already felt if i was feeling depressed. makes me feel awkward and horrible and . .. ignored kind of ... like they base it on my looks or my voice... and i just... that shouldn't be it... anyone else feel like crying when someone else is hurting cuz you feel their pain?
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Desire, Why? Knowledge. She craved knowledge, she needed it. Her cursory expertise in certain areas constantly nagged at her mind. She needed to... understand. She had to, lest she continue suffering. And she didn't want to be miserable. Or did she? No use going there again. - - - Taylor glanced up as a woman approached with an armful of books. She had long black hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed recently. "You like readin'?" Taylor said, trying to make conversation as the woman set her books down on the checkout counter. - - - She stood there, only somewhat cognizant of her surroundings. What was she doing here again? Knowledge... she needed knowledge. How would she get it in... whatever this place was, though? - - - The woman appeared to be... saying something under her breath, and had a confused look in her eyes as she stared straight ahead at nothing. Okay, whatever, Taylor thought as she started scanning the barcodes on the many books. That woman sure did buy a lot; there were books on essentially all topics, from philosophy to math to... a cookbook? Huh. Halfway through, they started getting... odd. Taylor tried not to look at the covers. Who was she to judge? But then again... "Hey, why..." Taylor trailed off as she looked up and saw that the woman was gone. - - - She stumbled out the door of that place, bumping into the walking corpses. She... she needed knowledge, yes. Why? Because... she... yearned to understand, yes. So much to learn, so much she didn't know... She paced around the concrete, talking through it. Where could she start? She needed... books. Yes, books. Was there somewhere she could get books? Yes, she was near it. She stumbled toward it and entered. - - - Taylor stood there confused for a moment. Why had the woman... left? Taylor didn't see her anywhere near. Oh well, she was an odd one anyway. - - - Books, she needed books, books would give her knowledge, and she needed knowledge. She blindly grabbed some books, then stood there for a bit. She needed to do something, right? Yes, she walked toward the... the checkout, and set her books down. Hopefully the corpse here would check out the books fast, as she needed knowledge. Knowledge, yes that was why she was here. - - - Taylor started as a stack of books was set down carelessly onto the counter. "Hey, it's you again," Taylor exclaimed, recognizing the woman from the morning. "Where'd you head off to, anyway?" Taylor waited, but the woman didn't answer. She just stood there, lips moving. This time, though, her eyes were moving. They were following Taylor's hands and each book as she scanned them. Weird. This time, the books... seemed more random, if that was possible. While previously they had largely been academic, now it looked like they'd just been taken off the shelves at random. "Hey are you okay?" Taylor asked, irritation turning to concern. - - - Why did it stop. Why wasn't the corpse moving! There was still knowledge left, knowledge she needed. It didn't continue, the corpse had just stopped. And now its hands were moving, but not to the knowledge. They were moving towards her. No, no, no, no no no no. She needed that knowledge. She needed it... why had the corpse stopped... why... why... w— - - - Taylor reached out toward the woman, unsure what she was doing but hoping to somehow... comfort her, or figure out the situation. As she did, however, the woman began muttering more and shaking her head back and forth, as if in disbelief? Taylor could almost make out some of the words. "Why... stopping... Nonono..." Soon the woman started trembling, her words once again incoherent. Taylor started to walk around the counter to the woman, who started swaying, then collapsed. - - - She blinked awake, where was she? What was she doing? She... knowledge... she... she had... - - - The woman lay there, staring up into nothingness. Taylor got up to get the doctor, who came promptly. He sat down in a chair near the hospital bed and got out a laptop. He tried asking the woman a few questions, including things like what her name was, but the woman... just laid there, unmoving. If she didn't blink—and she did that infrequently—she would be indistinguishable from a corpse. Even her eyes were losing the life they had shown upon her waking. As Taylor looked closer, though, the woman's lips moved silently like they had at the bookstore. Taylor had already mentioned this to the doctor after they'd arrived. - - - She just wanted to understand... why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't she understand... Why... Watching, Feeling, Suffering. I listen, from afar. The shouting, the tears. I feel, deeply pained. The hurt, the hate. I just watch, I just watch... Why must they hurt? Suffer and inflict. Why must I hurt? Myself, and from others. I feel the pain, all of it. This I have felt, before. I know how it feels, much worse. The yelling, the pain. The words, sharp knives. Worse though, so much worse. Pain. Hurt. Suffer. Alone. Die. - Her
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very yummy very yummy indeed words in my yummy tummy words to chew on yum yes, i yearn to be understood, and to understand myself. it's hard though.
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grey :3 morally so
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uhhhh well............. i've still been on and off the shard, like i took a two-day break or smth and then came back today. and... i'm not sure, i don't think so maybe last break i was better doing but idk. yeah...................... i don't know what to do cuz my brain wants me to keep being depressing, but that little pesky health-and-reasonable part of my mind wants me to stop and maybe seek help... i dont want to do anything i wish i could just do nothing and nothing at all and just not do anything and not make choices and stufffffffff i wish i could either get all better and be happy and not... whatever this is... or just succumb to the temptations and... do things... hm..mmm... succumbing is kinda easier but i don't really have that option, yk? but how can i be happy besides making myself suffer? what's there to joy from? like... idk.ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ooooooooooooooooooeeeiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaieeaeiaieiieaieiaoei oh sorry i forgot.. i don't know what i want at this point i just... i can't get help.. i can't i can't i cant cant i can ti cant ica t icna ticant icant icant ic anti c ina i cant i ca nti ca i.jjjd because iif i do... if i do...... idk but it won't be good. maybe.. i should get help. maybe it is just shame holding me back. or fear, or something along the lines of those. but ................................................................ i just feel.. like what if i just made myself feel this way and then that means it's my fault and i'll just be scolded again like always and .... and it won't actually help. but i secretlly hope that whoever i talk to won't do that and will... understand me. i don't need people telling me verything i do wrong. or maybe i do, but i already tell myself that and i aleady know and already i'm aware. u don't need to tell me how i'm screwing up my life or making the wrong choices or being a piece of half-living crem because i already know and it doesn't help when you tell me it just makes it worse. it just makes me beat mysef up again and shrink down into my little whatever and just .... idk . i know. i already know! uu dont't need to ... remind me. and if you do, what does that mean? how do I handle the conflicting logic? are we both somehow right? or is one of us wrong? which ? jjjjjjjjjjeffffffffffffffffffffjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii oEvery time i get scolded it feels horrible. every time you say my mistakess, sometimes i already knew them and you just confirm it for me. and if you're right to do so? that just confirms the voices telling me what a failure I am. and maybe im exaggerating or maybe im just stating the truth of my mind. because... when i tel you to stop it's because i can barely take it and you just won't stop...won't. what am i writing, i dont even know... heh..... i have a problem either way, yuou know. either i have whatever the heck mental health depression problems, or I don't but i have a problem for.. putting myself in a bad mental state and not being able to understand anything. i dont know,... i want to.... do something. maybe howa bout................................................................... go to sleep... and wake up deperessed again you know last night i think i went to bed feeeling bad. and woke up feelign bad too. it's like i never slept. who needs sleep anyway... who needs to be aliveveveve i just dont want it to get bad bad.. or at least not bad enough that there's no return. becau se aat least if its's bad bad then i can feel worthy of getting help. though if im being honest i cant predict if i'd even get helffpp. becuase yeah... anyway.... thtt was weird and made me more depressed but whatever. i'll talk to someone.. eventually. but i hate people that are...ugh. also i have no good reason to be suicidal anyway so what the heck am i doing to myself.. edit cuz i thought of smth: another issue is.. i don't rlly know how to talk about "it." I don't even know what "it" is, really. so.. idk..
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dying falling asleep at home
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fine but what if i cant help it i guess i can but yeah anyway meow
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tw suiceide anyway im stormin gotta get goin' bye guys
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To be honest.. (tw SH & suicide)
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Idk tbh I remember someone saying that tho might've been Lily who knows
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Idk when i was last any days clean in that case haha (SH) but i probably cause myself lots of psychological harm it's just so... fun, idk? like it feels good and i like it
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oh tess... i worry about the HRT too. I'm sorry I can't offer some profound advice right now, but... maybe remind yourself on reasons that validate you being trans if you have them. Or idk sorry. You can also think on it, though idk if you've already done that a lot. Or just try it and see what happens? idk also this naybe should go to THT
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neither will i
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i mean, unless something has changed or something like that ... unless you are just doubting/imposter syndrome?
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that sounds pretty sweet tbh yeah okay maybe I'll mention it i guess I'm already talkin bout other big stuff tho
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hehe you don't know that what other 14 y/o losers do u know besides MEEEE
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i believe in NOTHING muahhahah i just believe that when u die... u cease to exist and that's all
