Usseewa

There's also a.... "short story" I wrote this day, but I'm not posting it cuz it's honestly both too personal and... just useless rambles. Agitated State of no Focus I am uncomfortable, and I cannever be Not. I am restless, and I willnever find mind-peace. I can can not enjoy Pessoa, not in this bed. I can not conceive, writing, Not when they are watching me. My heart beats too fast, my wrists unable to hold the Book. I feel each fibre of my garments, I feel all sensations of and on my skin. I can not dedicate focus, when 't's all stolen elsewhere. TW Suicide Neither Hunger Nor Appetite I am not hungry, and have no desire to eat. I already fed my body a quarter of a large sandwich, and it wants more. Yet I feel my muscles shaking, body weak and mind fraying, I could eat, but the idea of further suffering is too appealing. Undue Pain If something triggers undue pain, Do we deserve to not feel it? Or should such intangible-yet-unbearable suffering Be ignored, for the physical harm it does not inflict? For if the torturer tortures unknowingly, should they feel remorse? If the torturer does not feel the pain they inflict, should they care? 8pm I look up at my clock, and it's 8pm, again. Where has the time gone? Time I once would miss. Now I can only, look toward rest, where I can forget, my worries, for a bit. Ten Years' In ten years' time, Will I be dead? Suffering—too much— Mind still-unread? Eversick (of me) I feel sick again— Sick of thinking, sick of living, Sick of sadness and of dreaming. Can't I just... Drink water and move on? Most of all—or converging, encompassing— I am sick of myself. I am sick of the way I am, The way I think, and speak. I am sick of not knowing, I am sick of me. The "[...]" in the following two... things... is where I could not read the word/few letters that I had written in my notebook. It was illegible. No Creativity Able Words are all nonsense—forming sentences [...] before. Words that mean much of nothing are used by not a few For this, a few letters might be off cuz I can't infer what I meant as much. At least for like... a few of the letters I didn't know if it was uppercase or not. Not much an issue but just a note. Should be mostly pretty much the original. Also I may have meant for some underlines to be italics or smth... idk. Basically the emphasis should be the same though. AyEKneA(c)DCawFee Ai (Ai Ai, AI) [...]—SoH tie-Red ðHahat EyE NEAcDCafé. mihNidz i t. m(—)aiy ais Kant Suh-tæ Opuhn; Oi Kant wright ritfully. Uhm yeah. — A broken girl

Finally. It was a bit rushed like my occasional short stories are.. idk i needa work on that... (Note that the previous entry was also from this day. That's not an error.) Dark Streets The unnamed girl wandered the streets, calloused, fragile feet numb to the pebbles and the glass shards that once filled window frames or housed cheap beer. Now, the only purpose they served was to inflict pain simply through their existence. The girl already did this enough. Relaxed but ever-alert, she walked without a destination in mind but that of the comforting darkness shared by all, in the end. Only those with a life can fear losing it. The unnamed girl wandered the streets, hunger constant but faded. She didn't mind—it was a slow sunset, but an end nonetheless. Or it would have been, had she not met him. A boy in rags, like her. A boy, apparently gaunt, like her. A boy. He was not a Husk, like the rest—not a faceless shadow, but a dead thing. Like her. When the boy—name ungiven, unrequested—offered her cheese, the unnamed girl felt an indescribable sense of wrongness, of danger. The boy—with a smile only construable as sinister, with the pointy teeth it displayed—reached a blood- and dirt-stained hand toward her, with a piece of cheese held between the sharpened fingernails. The girl had only eaten rats or garbage. She didn't dare turn, lest she expose her back. It didn't matter, in the end. Okay I actually decided to get rid of the last bit/the end cuz it was just... gore and I doubt anyone wants to read that and it was probably pointless and stupid and it seems fine how it is rn. Part of why I delayed posting this for so long was cuz that ending (that I removed, that isn't present here) was edgy and.. yeah. Also maybe not fit for the Shard. Sigh. — An unnamed girl

Sometimes - sometimes very often, it depends on my mood - I yearn for an experience or a memory or a life I don't have. Lately I have the awareness that it probably won't be as... perfect as I imagine it, but in my imagination and mind it is perfect. You made me think, that maybe the *memory* would be perfect. Maybe if I *did* have what I imagine, it would be perfect in memory. Idk if you were melancholic/nostalgic, idk. Uhm yeh but that's my thought.

Yay! Congrats, that's amazing :3 Honeslty sometimes (and sometimes way more than "sometimes") I still question if I'm just making it up. I hope that isn't proof I am but... I've also had more moments lately where I felt like a girl and was happy about that, or thought of myself as one... But that's after realizing. As more time goes on and I become more human and have more time to think, I think I'm more able to describe things better. So, if you asked me a month ago, or two months ago as someone did, I would've had.. a different answer- a less detailed one. So I hope this new answer is true. I don't really feel like I "figured it out," tbh, or at least I don't feel like I had a realization. More, I had a feeling for years, of someone I wanted to be. I don't think I ever wanted to be a... "stereotypical" guy, if such a thing exists. Honestly sometimes though, I might've made some efforts toward it... if only to fit in, or have something I could feel proud of, because others were? I don't know, I don't understand it yet. But... I (think?) I had a lot of envy to... a certain vibe, and clothing style, hair styles, appearances, personalities, etc. I mean it was all mainly one.. but yeah. Idk if that makes sense. I don't really know much of my feelings from like when i was young, but like i started secretly wanting to be different. I started doing it somewhat, or trying, but it was kinda hard idk. My hair didn't look right - though it started to eventually - and i could never find the right clothing I wanted. Shopping for clothing was kinda either hellish or frustrating or numbing. Probably a good amount of numbing, tbh. Now I can't remember much of what it was like... oh well. Nearing the end of last year (I started questioning in January of this year), I just hated my clothing. I felt I had no style, it was boring, it was old, I hated it. I wanted "a style," I wanted clothing I loved. I tried shopping, kinda, but idk, there wasn't much I liked. I thought I liked something, but idk. Now I have clothes I adore that I actually feel good in and that I don't mind going out in public in. Now, I usually love my hair (idk if it's weird or not but honestly a big part of everything is my hair..), when back then I kinda hated it, at least until it started getting more how I wanted. I felt weird talking about women and men, girls and guys, especially when it came to attraction/crushes/attractiveness. I don't know. I don't think I liked my body/facial hair either, and.. my body shape just felt wrong, at least I noticed that after I realized i was trans, idk if i did before. I liked, online, when I did not have to tell anyone my pronouns, when I could just leave it blank or smth. I also envied people who used she/her pronouns... idk. I didn't like when the uncertainty dropped and I realized they just saw me as a guy- whether from assumption or something else. I... tried to make my language/typing style feminine? Or at least be aware of what that meant? To be honest I don't know if that had any basis in reality but.. yeah. Uhm. I just wasn't satisfied... being seen as a guy, being one? I was disappointed... I think. I wanted... *something.* Something about being a girl was just... it was what I wanted, though I was left out? Maybe. Reality disappointed me, though. I don't know. I didn't like my masculine characteristics being called attention to or pointed out. And I so desperately wanted to meet s girl version of me- as a friend or girlfriend, I don't know. Now I think maybe I wanted to *be* a girl version of me... sigh, i dont know. I did feel out of place in queer groups, though. Like, "I'm not queer, right? So why are you accepting me?" also what started questioning was uh small ill say later edit: ok basically I just saw someone talk about being trans and i was like idk tbh i actually forget some of it but i just started wondering if i was... which is also part of why i doubt cuz then it could just be an anxiety thing or intrusive thoughts or something .....

i fell asleep by acident last night.. again it's like my body js wants me to slepe or summin