Robinski

Hi there, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to get to reading your piece. I've been so busy writing to be honest, which is great, but it just eats up everything else. I've got a new system of writing 500 words per day, which doesn't sound a lot, but at my rate... Anyway, enough excuses, I hope these comments are still of some help, and not all commented on by others. Page 1 - I'm enjoying the conversational tone, there's a friendly air to it that draws me in. I am guessing that English is not your first language? Forgive me for saying so, but it seems very clear from the diction and grammatical issues. I won't say any more about that, because such things can be refined and addressed in editing, of course. It seems a little odd that Ya is waiting until tomorrow to flee. Fleeing suggests panic to me, and yet he's got time to go drinking one more night. Odd, I thought. Page 2 - "unable to form anything but oaths" - Lol, good line. Page 3 - So, bar scenes are very, very, very common in fantasy stories, as I am sure you know. That makes sense, because it's somewhere that people came together to relax, maybe let their guard down, talk about wide ranging subject. I think there are two ways to go with them, either try to make them stand from all the other bar scenes, or make it so generic and unremarkable that the reader concentrates on the characters. Seems to me you did the latter, and I have no problem with that. I was happy to imagine the usual bar rumblings going on in the background, because the dialogue was always moving, holding my interest. The characters themselves don't seem all that remarkable, but I think their respective characters are clear enough. There is conflict between them, which is interesting. I'm not sure I would want to read a whole novel about these two, or if I did, I would want their characters to be much deeper, but as a starting scene, for me this is okay, maybe not spectacular, but enough for me to keep reading. Page 4 - The language does make it hard to read, but I'm still finding that the dialogue is nicely balanced and entertaining. Still, there are parts that, because of the language, I just don't understand what's meant. "they run out of stones... blood" - good line, I like it. Page 5 - "later than any sane man would go out in" - but surely the inn is still full of people. It doesn't feel all that late from what's happened so far. "lovely implement" - I love this phrase. Fantastic. So clinical and casually chilling. Page 6 - "almost every time I've requested healing" - this is a bit 'telling'. It's information that these two know about, and so why would they speak of it? Only so the reader can hear it, which makes it sound rather stilted and artificial. Are you familiar with the term maid-and-butler? You might with to consider that Page 7 - (nothing to note). So, the punctuation, word choice, tense issues are pretty clear, an did somewhat get in the way of me enjoying this completely. Also, the situation itself, impending war, is a bit generic, so the characters have to be intriguing and entertaining to keep the reader interested. I think you manage that. There is decent banter between them (which of course would be improved by correcting the language). There are things I'm unclear on because of the language, but all that could be fixed. All in all, I'd be happy to read some more of this, although I don't think I could read a whole novel with the language issues. I hope this is helpful! <R>

Awesome, thank you @kais. I'm rolling with a particular option for this draft and will see how it plays out. I'd love to think that you guys will get a read as far into TCC sometime to see how it plays. (Edit: Bah, sorry. Weird double post due to internet shenanigans.)

Yay, I'm so pleased I asked a half-way sensible question! Exceedingly helpful reply, thank you ID. In writing the scene that I'm working on, I sort of went out of my way to put myself in the position of needing such a term as a challenge. Actually, M-o-t-h is addressing a corporal in the NAF National Guard, so 'Corporal' is most certainly the correct and conveniently gender-neutral response, but I want to learn 'my' new word now, dang-it! p.s. I happened to hover over your profile preview, and notice that you joined on this very date in 2017. Happy anniversary!!

Ooh, I've never posted here... I hope this question has not been asked and answered (I don't see it, although I've looked through various of the links above). I'm looking for a term of formal address, the equivalent of Sir / Madam. I'm using xe and xir for this side character. Maybe Xir is the obvious choice, but then it's the same as the replacement for the standard accusative ('her'), so I didn't want to use that. Would Xadam, becoming Xa'am, be weird and/or out of step in some way I'm too uneducated to see? Opinions welcomed! Thank you.

Something to add that I didn't cover and should have in my notes (since it was the first thing I noticed!), I thought this was solidly your best reading piece to date (that I've read) in terms of style, flow, pacing and just general readability. I thought the characters were the most believable and identifiable (as opposed to identifiable with). While I in no way followable to the technobabble (more on which below), I believed that the characters understood it: thus it was convincing. Also, I disliked the m/c sufficiently to stop reading, so you thoroughly convinced me of his unlike-ability / psychosis

Always a pleasure

Hi @mandamon, can I clarify that you are going to re-submitted an updated version of the story you've put up over the last two weeks. So, I should go straight to Monday's submission?

I'm always intrigued to read one of your stories. I see there is some 'traffic' above, but I'll go back a read the comments after I've read the story. Page 1 - "J’s logic trains were second only to my own" - Second in what? Speed? Accuracy? There's no qualifier to explain how they are second. Okay, I'm always up for a time travel story. The bar is pretty high. Page 2 - Okay, whatever. I started out trying to follow what they were talking about, but quickly stopped trying to have it make sense and just read the words. That's not meant as a dig, it sounds semi-plausible enough for me to accept that they know what they're talking about, even if I don't. Page 3 - "Less headaches" - Fewer headaches. Yeah, okay. M/C a riding really high on the smug curve now, and that's not an attractive quality in terms of rooting for a character. Also, at almost 20% of the way in the story, I'm now sure what it's about. What is the plot, the conflict, the M/C's goal? Page 4 - Ugh. he just got even more smug. Now I'm hoping to see him fair, painfully, which may be the point. The flavour of the sandwich? "The energy consumption would be even worse under those circumstances" - This doesn't ring true as something s scientist would say. I get that energy consumption can be a problem, but it's not really bad, surely it's just higher than desirable. Page 5 - "to filch your time travel notes" - Lol, I like that line. Page 6 - "I’m going to test..." - I feel like it's really quite late in the story to be fed the 'inciting' incident (not really the right term, but...). I feel like the five plus pages before could be streamlined to get to this reveal sooner. "Grandmother" - Gaaaaah... Okay, I think maybe I see the logic here on a scientific level, but as the basis of a fictional story, I don't think this is justifiable. For me, it's not about whether the science is sufficiently rigorous (Is the argument that, if he killed his grandfather, his grandmother might still have conceived him by other means? That seems tenuous to me. Maybe that's not it.), it's about the superficial headline message that such an approach sends. Page 7 - "It’s no different from slipping someone a contraceptive" - Eh? No, I'm done.

Hoo-haa, is it February already? Erm, I'll just try and sneak this in here and hope nobody notices it didn't land a month ago. Page 1 - I'm engaged enough at the start. Grumpy can be engaging. I tend to write grumpy, so I don't mind reading it. The quest the dog to take a rust, then shitting in a bush is a mild turn off for me, as I'm not a dog person. I like dogs, and they seems to like me, but our relationship works best at one degree of separation. Some of narrative is a bit lumpy, doesn't scan all the smoothly in places for me, partly because of punctuation. Page 2 - 'weres' I'm happy enough with as a concept and basis for a story. Registration is a pretty strong central idea to build a conflict around. Sure, X-men has that covered, but I can't think of many (any) other examples off the top of my head. Page 3 - Them being married seems to come quite late as a mini reveal. I thought it felt like it was trying to work as a surprise, but why would it be a secret, not delivered up front? M might have thought or said to the neighbour that the husband was waiting. "someone else's table" - Lol, I totally hate that too . "lack of words" - This is an example of my finding the narrative a bit clunky in places. For me, it would be smoother by being simpler, like here, where 'silence' would replace there words. Page 4 - Confused. Is E the manager? A didn't say anything about the food being late. That encounter seemed rather pointless. Was it only to make the point about him not liking M? Felt very, very abrupt. 'Prospective' students, not perspective. Page 5 - I don't quite get why M is all stressed if she's not actually late for the testing. Just because she's cut it fine? Also not entirely convinced by the reaction of the people waiting. If the place doesn't open till 9, why expect to get let in early? Itching to do LBLs, but resisting! Page 6 - I have complete sympathy with M be this point. Although M's manner is brusque, her position seems entirely reasonable and all those carping complaints have no basis. Rules are rules, and made to be followed. I'm not keen on 'failure to afford', that's awkward phrasing for me, compared to 'inability'. It's not really her failure, i.e. her fault, if external forces combine to defeat any attempt to afford meds. Page 7 - M said buster was a little guy, now he's putting paws on M's shoulder?! Clearly, one of these statements is misleading. I suspect Buster is actually a large dog, but we don't know that when M thought of him as 'little guy', so I took that at face value. I would say 'the feel of his soft fur calmed her', it's not like the fur itself intervened and talked her down. I like the interplay with the dog and how it assuages M's tension. Page 8 - I just remembered that E from the bar is the next door neighbour. Still don't know it he's the manager of the bar. I sense the undercurrent of M being rather paranoid that she's being spied on, observed and judged, and I detect the hints about how canine some of her behaviour is. I like that it's at that subtle level. I presume it's going to ramp up and she is in fact a 'were', or someone is. That's my assumption at this point. I like the length of the sections: there's no fat on them. I like how you cut out early on her thought about making a donation. We don't need to know her conclusion, just that she's having the thought. Page 9 - The encounter with the student is nicely done. Short and to the point. Page 10 - I like the description of writing the letter to politicians. It feels important and useless even before it's sent, and M's thoughts about editing (watering it down), add to that effect, I think. I've been waiting for the tension to take another step upward and here it is in the form of the official visitors. I'm starting to think now that M's growling and other canine embellishments are misdirection, and that it will be A who is the 'were'. Page 11 - "then nearly froze as she abruptly came to a halt" - Umm, are these not the same thing? Page 12 - See 13. Page 13 - Hoo boy, the urge to LBL was strong in that one (page) - numerous typos, but "Would they force her if she refused to go?" - They've just said they're arresting her. I don't think she would ask this question, she already knows it answer, it's been made very clear to her what's happening here. "she decided that it had been worth every penny of raised taxes and every minute spent arguing with idiots at the town meetings to get the budget for this approved" - Confused. It sounds like the intention is for irony, but actually the statement makes perfect sense, so it sounds more like e genuine thought. "It took twelve hours to process the results" - This sounds like you're jumping to the results, and so it threw me to read the next bit. Suggest saying 'It would take twelve hours...', which will keep the timeframe straight. Page 14 - Okay, this LBL I get to have "were wolf" - 'Werewolf' is one word all day long . "...some cold, forsaken part of Canada where there are more trees than people" - So, Canada then? (Sorry, but I get that joke because my wife, daughter and son-in-law are all Canadian!! ). I'm a little put out that there is a new character being introduced 78% of the way through the story. I see a way around that in having the young woman from the testing centre be the one who is arrested and jailed with M. Just a suggestion. Page 15 - "a good 15 minutes passed" - Nope, not having that. Why use a numeral here? There are no other numerals in the story, I'm pretty sure, or I would have flipped out already. it's incredibly jarring for that reason, but than I would say numerals are always jarring, especially in dialogue. Don't remember Gandalf ever saying "Here we are, the 9 members of the fellowship." Page 16 - Ooo, the kind of epilogue thing through me there. The sudden change of pace is quite jarring. I am glad to learn what happens though. Page 17 - It's a nice touch that the were is associated with Eddy. I really thought it was going to be A. In a way, that would be more satisfying, as it's a character who has been in the story the whole way through. "his grandfather had accused someone to keep suspicion off of him" - See, I would say 'divert suspicion' which is cleaner and shorter, but I appreciate that is not the tone of the story. But I still hate 'off of'. Also, I'm not sure I see E's logic, because it reads like he's brought the cops into the neighbourhood when they weren't there before. You did say there were sightings, but I think the ending would pay off better if we saw cops cruising the neighbourhood at some point in the middle. I like the story. I think it's well done (and begging for a good proof read!). The message is maybe a bit heavy-handed, but I don't think it's ay less powerful for that. I like the way you showed things in society getting worse as we progressed through. I would read another version for sure, but only if I got to do a proof read first Thank you for sharing. Happy New Year! <R>

Hi there, glad to read another submission from you and sort these comments are so late. Hopefully they are still of some use. I remember reading this story when you submitted it before. I remember it being interesting, but posing a lot of questions. - I like the first paragraph, and that you put us right at the point of discovery of the problem. Feels like 'in late' to me (as in 'in late, out early'), which is good. I get a decent sense of destruction, and also start to get a feeling for the character in that they seem fastidious and perhaps a bit fussy. - I'm not completely clear on the Gifts, I think that first explanation could be a bit smoother. I would not add detail too it though, because I would say you don't want it to sound like exposition. It's about clarity though, around combination. - Don't adults imagine the power? Not quite clear on that. - Here's a thing. Shy is a woman, so sometimes you'll want to say 'she', but she and Shy sound awfully similar. I would think that would be quite jarring if she is the main character through the whole book. - I like that we get a very clear and unambiguous character goal on the first page. I think that makes it easier to follow a character for a whole story. I would not mind her frustration/anger coming through a bit more strongly, but maybe it will from this point. - It's a little odd at first that, having just accepted a personal goal, she thinks about distracting herself from it. - I'm struggling a bit with the logistics of the stone. (1) As an engineer, bocks falling out of the ceiling bothers me. I would be concerned about the integrity of the ceiling, but no one seems to be bothered that the whole thing might come down. (2) The size of the block (about a metre thick, depending on her height) seems incredible for a ceiling. (3) Biggest problem, if you are estimating the size of something, 'a foot or two' is a massive range of error, too much. No one would guess at something being more than 100% one way or another. Imagine it as guessing the height of a person. 'He was maybe 6 or 12 feet tall.' - To me, a pouch is a small thing, not large enough to carry a bunch of sandbags unless they are very small. Thus, I don't have a clear sense of how much D is actually carrying. - How does he know he's going in the right direction if the sun is directly overhead? Surely he would need to know the direction of movement of the sun. - I'm not convinced by D's situation. For me, it does not hang together in terms of the time frame. He's 20 miles out to start, maybe he's only walked 5 miles, then he said only a few more steps, which clearly it cannot be, as he can't even see the city, then the timeframe changes suddenly and the sun sets an moons rise seemingly instantly in narrative terms, but there's no real sense of progress or effort. And suddenly he's running?!?! But he could barely put one foot in front of the other before, it seemed. I don't get this at all. Is there magic at work here? If so, it's not hinted at, it just seems incongruous to me. - Deserts at night (I gather) are incredibly cold, but there's no reference to that, so I don't really feel the environment. I got a better sense of the heat during the day. - I've got no sense of the spider's size, so it's hard to picture, but if he is able to stab the legs without missing they must be tree-trunk trick, which would mean the spider is what, ten feet tall, more? - Do spiders' legs have carapace on them? I've always thought of carapace as covering the body. Also, do spiders even have carapace? Maybe they do, but I've always heard it and thought of it in terms of beetles. Maybe this is all kosher, but that's the way my thoughts went. The fight seems, I don't know, a bit underwhelming. I've got no sense that D will be in any real danger of death, since we're right at the start of the story. What would be truly surprising would be if he died and someone else came past to win and they were the main character, but then that would be another p.o.v., and that would be a problem. Oh, okay, he's in real trouble it sounds like. Everything goes black is a bit 'meh', but it does leave my asking questions. It's a cliffhanger, I suppose, which can work, but I don't think you've earned it for this character, yet (see below). - D leaves me a bit cold, I get no real sense of character from him. Okay, you talk about him being competitive, but I don't think that's particularly shown by what we see of him. Everyone will be similarly competitive, presumably. We learn nothing about his life, his position, or what it means to be chosen. - You mentioned going too fast. So far, I would rather have spent longer with S who seemed a more interesting character, and learned more about her. It's good to have an old(er) person as an m/c, that feels different to me. I think she showed more character than D, but still not as much character as I would have liked. It's possible to drop in little character notes and details subtly, without taking a paragraph to describe each feature, and it makes them more rounded. You could hint at character habits (not more then one, prob), or flaws (maybe she smokes or drinks or has a secret of some sort), just something a little more would have been good in the opening. - Why would the 'S Lords' use anything other than sand? Strange through she has there. - Capitalisation: I'm a firm believer that the more you capitalise the less use it is and the less impact it has. I don't see why you've capitalised 'aide'. An aide is just an aide, not someone important enough to deserve capitalisation. Further, I don't see any need to capitalise Master if you are not referring to a particular master. If it's a non-specific master, if would suggest no caps. With a sea of capitals, I think the reader loses sight of what is a name and what is just a 'thing'. So, the really important names and people actually because less distinctive. - Why does S have to win K over? I don't sense any difference of opinion between them yet. - Why was the dead master guarding the stone, and why was the number of guards reduced? - I've got a problem with the end of the meeting. How is it that nothing is decided, or, if it is, how is it that S just zones out and doesn't hear the conclusion of the meeting? I find it strange that all the important people in this world can't come up with the strategy. It's really not believable. That is a big problem with meetings like this. So many stories have council meetings in them, and in most of these story meetings, the so-called important people at the table are almost always largely ineffectual, and wait around for the main character to lead them by the nose. But it's just not credible. These people should be trying to control the situation, they should be full of energy and anger and ideas, disagreeing over different courses of action, debating and arguing. Or, they should all agree on the course of action, but what I would expect is that they all would want to have their say, because they are important, and because they are representing the people that put them on the council, and should be trying to show that they are being effective. - 'D span in a full circle' - I think you've done a decent job of describing the carnage. I get pulled along through this section. I would say some of the description is a bit bland, and could be more evocative and emotional if it were more colourful--I think--but I still think the pace a delivery of this section is good. I feel D's emotion on the discovery of his father. it's the most interested I've been in D so far. One thing I would say "This couldn’t be happening" is a kind of nothing phrase, a cliche I think, a very commonly used phrase. It makes me think of the advice from Writing Excuses about low-hanging fruit. Don't always use the first word of phrase that comes to mind, that's the one that everyone uses, go past and use the second one you think of, or better still the third or the fourth. I think you'll find you end up with more colourful narrative. - "Underneath was D's father" - now I'm interested. - Isn't he still in the location where he dropped the sand bags? Can't he just find them lying nearby? Or, has something else happened that prevents this, like sand blowing in and covering them up because of the amount of time that's past? - I like that the section (chapter) ends with him crawling, although I don't like the last line, it's underwhelming, not much punch to it, I think. Overall, I quite enjoyed this, I think it's better than the last time for sure. The improvement is clear. The hopping around p.o.v.s is a problem, I think it's very bitty and I would tend to put the two like sections together so that the reader gets two separate p.o.v.s in the chapter. Other than that, good job. I'm hoping we get to see some more of this story, and that you keep going instead of going back to rewrite, which just completely kills any momentum you get from submitting. Thanks for charing <R>

Lol...... What, just me?

Hey MrWiz - hope you're well. This is a very interesting point. My first reaction was, surely this makes you even better equipped to write characters, because you know what the stress and strains on families and individuals would be at a given time, what the big issues were for society, etc?

Really good question, and I think others have answered it already better than me. I think your post begs follow-up question like (a) should you try to employ or develop a different voice if you write in two different genres?; and (b) What happens to your voice when you write in different modes (1st Person, 3rd Person, etc.). I think it would be a very interesting exercise to ask those who read your work what they think your voice is (the major facets of it), or where they think it is heading if you're still developing it.

Hurray! Quite right too. It's a shame that's she's had such trouble with this. In the Scotland, where I'm frae (there's some Scots for you, free of charge, meaning 'from'), it's really typical to have an accepted Christian name as a surname. My name is Robin Duncan, and I get hailed as Duncan quite a bit by mistake (usually professionally, by people who don't know me all that well). It's annoying, but here in Scotland and the UK we have a saying which I think is also used in other parts of the world, which goes "I don't give a...[insert preferred oath here]". I'm glad she's Mary-Robinette again. We 'Robins' have to stick together

Exsqueeze me?! The end?!?! Never!!!!

Wait, where is this? I can't find it in the document The line is "before a quint---pod, or the heat" - I just botched the pasting / quoting

Hurrah. Very interested to start the new story (finally). I'm jumping over the first submission. Don't know if that will give anything fresh, perspective-wise. Also, I'm not LBLing, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Off I go. - If the dust gets everywhere, I presume they were scarves, etc., a la Rey? - "Now N was older than me" - neat. - "For me it was a way station" / "bad aftertaste" - I like m/c's frame of reference for Earth vs. Queen, I enjoy the colour of their memories against the arid nature of this place, very effective . - "council" - These things seem to be called the council 86.9% of the time, I think it would be more distinctive to use another word, like conclave or assembly. Council is a very bland word, lacking any interest or colour. - M sounds like a person when first mentioned, which threw me off. Seems to me 'the M' would have been clearer in that first reference, distinguishing them from T. - "into oblivion" - `I don't see how throwing the letter away conveys acceptance of the order, for me it's the opposite, it's a rejection of the order, very clearly. Also, Em is closest for the purposes of going on this mission, but N appears to have arrived at her location easily enough. If someone can bring an order in person, why not just send someone else to go on the mission, or send someone to relive Em's post, so she can go? Something feels off about the rationale here. - If the council knows where the M are and are not, why do they need a lookout? Also "We’re still not great at tracking groups smaller than three" is very maid-and-butler. Em would know this, I feel. - It's LBL level, but I don't like 'jettisoned' and it really stood out. Seems to men it's pretty clearly defined as ejecting something from something else (a ship, etc.), whereas N is transported by the flyer, not ejected from it (or by it). - "Earth's legacy" - while this is an effective line, I find myself wanting to challenge it. Seems to me that perhaps a lot of causes of cancer are manmade and self-inflicted, so blaming Earth for it is harsh. - "quin or heat" - the former, presumably some kind of big animal, sounds comical, because it don't know what it is, but even then. I'm thinking of it in terms of 'I would walk away into the bush and maybe a hippo would eat me.' Makers me want to chortle rather thank choking with emotion. - I've been waiting for and wondering about the size of the colony. Page 6 seems pretty deep in before receiving this piece of info that allows me to calibrate my impression of the place. Also, I'm not 100% clear on how long they've been here. Is the colony not growing naturally in numbers? Surely restock brings 100 of new folks, but the impression given is that population is in stasis. - "So, yes, we were mostly women..." - Love this paragraph that nails down so many of the questions that I've been asking since the beginning of this story. Nails them down in a way that 'Fox' every really did, for me (as best I remember), and it tells us a good deal about the planet, too. I don't suppose there's any way it would fit further up closer to the beginning? - The premise of the planet: ha, I was ready to go off on one about the cost inefficiency of setting up an entire planet for anything other then the full range of human society, how surely the additional costs of tailoring to specific groups, and planning out any logistical issues, must be more than simply planning an open society. HOWEVER, you convinced me about the all-female thing, and there is a worrying, but perhaps not surprising kind of symmetry (in a bad way) of such an endeavour as this ending up with the 'leftover' inhospitable planet, as if being deemed not to merit a 'high quality', more hospitable planet with fully diverse ecosystem / biosphere / etc. ( ). - I'm struggling to picture the funnel, where, how big, in relation to what, etc. - I'm not sure I understand the beetles. Uneven legs, okay (no cracks about them walking round in circles), but what's this cold side, sun side? Is the sun fixed in the sky, or does it rise and fall on one horizon? Either way, surely the beetles can't keep one side to the sun or they wouldn't be able to go back the way they had come. You'd have to take one beetle to work, and a beetle with the opposite sun/cold side combination to come back again. Please tell my I'm missing something. - Are the beetles the quint-pods? - "didn’t produce any plant or animal capable of generating textiles" - I like these touches of difference that colour the environment and the society that lives there. - "nice work scrolled" - excellent: love that - "The wind began its warning keel" - I think maybe 'keen' was intended here? I looked it up, and apparently 'keening' is the noun, and there is no 'keen' meaning to wail. Sorry, super LBL-y. - I'm really struggling with the use of 'M', because it sounds so much like the name of a person. Is there a reason you can't say 'the M'? You wouldn't say 'If French wanted to live by their own code...', of course, you'd say 'If the French...' (Other nationalities are available for use in generic grammatical example.) - How are the M children of the sand, they are not an indigenous race, so I'm not sure how they much of an advantage over the other colonists. - Tree, what tree? Where did the tree come from? - "Dr..." - Eh? Really? And they're a guard in the middle of nowhere? Hmm... - "...give her blue" - That is quite the gut punch of a line. - Brace yourself, pedantry coming, but with a purpose. To me, skidding mean boots moving when the surface doesn't, but that can't be the case on sand, surely, which would move all over the place too. - Not convinced the shoes would be adopted, would they? Surely they would have brought the right kind of shoes for sand? Then, the shoes would be designed for sand, rather than adapted. These things bother me, as you know. - What are "Sinew stitches"? - The last line "There’d been no body" is clunky because it's in past tense. Can she not just repeat the line 'There was no body'? I really wanted to delve into LBLs. Obviously there is still some roughness about the language in places, but it still reads pretty easily at this point. Good clear arc to the chapter and a strong inciting incident in revealing the potential that T might still be alive. I think the thing that is weakest is in the imagery and sense of the environment, which I didn't feel that much impact from. Still, very keen to read the next bit, which I will directly (whatever that means). <R>

Yes, please... oh, wait, this is the plot to Toy Story 4, isn't it?

Welcome, @Atium! Great to have you on the forum. Hope you enjoy hanging out, and I look forward to reading some of your writing some time (no pressure ).

Super. Thank you

I'm not trying to be a smart Alec: this is a learning point for me! How do you say Mx. If Ms. is 'mzz' then I though sort of 'mczz'? (I don't know how to do that phonetic stuff... )

Yes, I tripped over that too.

I'm really hoping this is a story about golf... <fingers crossed> Ah, so because I know I'll enjoy the style and it will be pretty smooth and developed, I'm going into LBL mode, I hope that's okay. Email to follow. - Is D-fry the name of the skyport? Unclear. - So are they inside or outside? I don't get much sense of setting/environment, like from sounds, sights, smells, etc. This said, as a first page, I, totally on board. I want to know where they're going and why they want people to be misdirected. There are nice pointers about the character of the baggage man. I mean this in a completely encouraging way for others, but this is the kind of writing that simply and subtly puts character to the fore, a skill that a lot of new writers would do well to mark and try to develop. - Ah, engines So, the pistons push (and pull) the connecting rods, which turn the crank shaft which (if we dispense with a clutch and a gear box - which we can do for a cart) turns the drive shaft which turns the axle. Although if the engine is transverse mounted, no drive shaft. I'm not a grease-monkey, but that is my understanding. - "The things that turned me on also..." - fabulous line: love it - "I've never lost..." - how fast does this thing go?! Actually, that's one of my points, I don't have the best sense of how big this thing is, but surely if it's just a baggage cart, he won't be going fast enough to 'lose' any luggage, even if it fell off? - "Come close if you want to see how it’s secured" - Oh, aye. I bet he says that to all the customers! - "crystal" - Now then, I have no idea what sort of setting we're in, other than a couple of small clues about the significance of internal combustion, and burning 'treasures'. So, I have no idea what a crystal does, or why one would grip it in their pocket. - "looked like leather, but flopped like it was made of cloth..." - Must... resist... innuendo... demon... - "Warm mist sprayed out. If I inhaled at all, I’d pass out." - I feel like they don't have time for this internal thought process before inhaling, that it should be more instinctive, and maybe we hear the thought afterwards? - "a spell..." - Yeah, this comes back to my point about the crystal. I guess if I knew the world having read earlier stories(?), I wouldn't be questioning, but should the story stand on its own? If you subscribe to that philosophy then I would need a couple of cues much earlier on about what type of world I'm in. - "He shoved me. I fell backwards into the suitcase" - I can't quite reconcile or picture the manoeuvring here, and the relative position of bodies. This bit about them going into the case could be clearer. - Confused. You said that the spell enlarged the inside of objects, but do the objects within the case stay the same size? Something doesn't scan. If they can't stand up, how can the blunderbuss (and maybe the sword) fit in the case? There's some weird relativity going down here, methinks. - "middle of a crowded street" - I have not the slightest inkling that there was anyone within a hundred miles of them. The setting is pretty weak. If it's so busy, how does no one see him pushing them into the case? I'm losing investment in the story here, because it feels like the environment is just doing what you want it to to suit the story. This is turn makes it feel unconvincing, I think (the setting). - "hawking their wares" - Oh, god, no. Please, not another street with people hawking their wares. Every second story on this forum since 2013 has had someone hawking their wares in the street. - "I kept chopping with my left hand. With my right, I grabbed a stun crystal out of my pocket and tossed it" - No, hang on. I'm trying a failing to picture what is going on. If they have chopped a hole in the case, it must be a very small hole, cause the case is only six to ten inches thick. How can they swing a sword and throw at the same time? My mind can't picture this, ergo, I don't believe it. - I also don't buy that he can wield a whip on a small moving cart. Surely whips only work at some range, where there is space, time and leverage to get a swing in? - I didn't ever have a sense of movement so, when they fall off the bike, I don't have a sense of stopping. Also, suddenly they're in an alley? It's the blocking all the way through that is giving me a problem. I can't develop and retain any sense of setting or place, and that tends to undermine the mechanics of who's doing what to whom, I think. Okay, I really enjoyed how well this read, and the pacing and the action, but... (a) It reads way more like the chapter of a story than a short. It seems to me one needs a lot of knowledge about the setting to understand and relate to what is being referred to in the characters and places at the end. (b) I feel that the ending is underwhelming, because a whole lot of new stuff is introduced, like the chief and the other wrongdoer in the alley, and details of the assignment. I'm just not sure what it says as a stand alone piece. (c) Because I never understood what was going on spatially once the enlarging happened, I remained fairly confused through the action, which undermined the tension, of course. (d) Lack of setting and blocking leaves the action feeling more bland than it could and should be. Use of more of the five senses in description would help with this. I know I would enjoy reading more of the setting and the character. I suspect you'll tell me I have already!! I would just like to be in at the beginning where all this stuff is introduced and set up, so that I understand what is going on. Still a fun read though <R> (LBLs emailed separately)

Yup. I think the problem with this is that he doesn't have any personal investment in the maguffin, or getting it, other than money. Getting money is probably the most boring and generic motivation for a character that I can think of. Why? Because, at a basic level, it's what we all do every day, earn money to feed, clothe and shelter ourselves. I think that's the reason that heist movies, often, are boring (imho) because, while the action may be exciting, it's just action. The heists that work is when the stakes are much higher than merely money. Lol, yup. Yes. I remember lots of numbers in the first version. There's a line where, if you tip over, the message to the reader is that you care more about the system and the numbers than the characters, and that's a hard turn-off for a lot of people, me included. I'm not saying slash out all the numbers, the numbers can be powerful as long as they are seen through the lens of character investment in the outcome, sweat on forehead, hands trembling, heart pounding, fingers twitching with the knowledge that snakes eyes will be a killer, etc. etc.

Hi, I got here in the end. Sorry for being AWOL for so long. So, I'm doing a kind of whistle-stop tour of the submission I need to catch up on, not going into the depth that I usually do but, I hope, still offering some comments that are useful. The first paragraph could, I think, be a lot stronger. The language is a bit clunky for one thing (grammar, phrasing, etc.), which tends to shut me out straight away. Also, I'm reading about an unlikeable character acting in an unlikeable way, so again I'm kind of disinclined to buy in to the story. Second paragraph, similar issues. What is 'a fair point of envy'? I don't know what that means, but it sounds like the female is there as arm candy, if not deliberately in the plot, still in effect in the narrative. There's no description, which I think makes it read kind of bland, no colour, if you like. The word choice doesn't feel right, it's not detailed or immersive and doesn't convince me that the narrator knows the setting of a gambling house. E.g. 'stared at the blackjack game' doesn't convey much to me about what he's thinking, compared to say 'studied the blackjack game intently' which would tell me something about his intent. E.g.(2), 'modest starting amount' is a clunky, kind of simplistic phrase. I'm not gambler, but I believe 'bank roll' is the correct phrase for the amount of money a gambler takes to the casino. I confirmed my suspicion with a little light searching and found the following link (https://www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/gambling-terminology-glossary/#listS). It's a UK site, but I include it just to highlight my point that some research and some jargon would go a long way to convincing the reader to invest in the story because the narration was knowledgable about the setting and the craft, and would immerse them in the setting. Third paragraph: the tense wanders about a bit. "betting for him" - wouldn't they bet on him or with him? You use throw a lot, but don't you roll dice? Varying the word choice, I think, makes it more interesting to read. "Who would wish ill-will upon N the F?" - the phrasing here sounds a bit archaic. It makes me realise that, because of the lack of description of setting or characters (you mention 'pseudo-dealer look', but that doesn't actually describe anything) I don't know what time period I'm in. Is this pseudo-historical, SF, contemporary. There's nothing to tell me. The occasional tense confusion isn't helped by the guy talking about himself in the third person. I know that can work, but I'm not sure how well it works here. I'm far enough into the story now that I want to feel like I know that character and be feeling some personal stakes, some tension and conflict that will pull me through the story, but I'm not feeling that. I don't know anything important about NtF, I don't know what he wants and why I should care if he gets it. So, at this point, I fold... I hope there is something there that helps develop the story. Best of luck <R>