Robinski

Hey Silk, many thanks for reading. Yeah, okay. Fair point. I was trying to show the group interacting and working together, also inject some more tension/time factor, but I can accept that possibly it's not needed. I'll think on that. Yes, okay, and saves a word!! Voulez-vous en peu plus de fromage, M. Q? Yeah, see my response above to Mandamon... I'm going to cut it: unnecessary, think. And it's a reparation of D's reaction on P2. I've changed it to avoid repetition. Good catch. Yeah, I went for the Hollywood moment, but actually I've watched quite a number of 'instructional' vids, and obviously have not seen anyone doing this! I'll think on it. Good suggestion. Done. You're right. It's pretty lazy writing around there. I've fixed Q's dialogue up a bit here. Check. I like the word 'goon'. Stop it! You're spoiling my fun with your darn ironclad logic ...but you make a very fair and reasonable point, of course. While I have in no way foreshadowed it, but can do, I imagine a world where crime scene / ballistic forensics are hugely advanced and can quickly tie any particular shooting not only to a gun, but to a person. In fact, I'm going to have to go back through both books are retcon what could be a good future tech angle (g-u-n control). Doesn't matter that much for TMM, but I think maybe it should come more into this story. Anyway, where I was coming from here was that they were trying to engineer plausible deniability, sort of. Mmm, hmm. Okay. Phew, okay, I'll take that Ooh, yes. I will experiment with some alternative lines here. And, yay. I think that's 4-2 in favour of D/S! I just goggled it and it seems there is a hour anthology by that name, but that so ain't what we have here, so I am untroubled and will press on regardless. T-shirts all round (pink, of course). Yes, you're quite right, of course, family business is increasingly less of a thing. It's a throwaway line in a draft and it's still there, but, well, does it go anywhere? Is it doing any heavy lifting? If not, I will more than likely ditch it. Most excellent comments. Thank you so much, Silk

Thank for reading, SSmooth, and for the comments. *fist pump* And the 'ayes' have it three to two!!! (And I'd already decided to keep it. Bit Mandamon's point about where it lands in the chapter is something I will puzzle over for a bit.) Yeah, Tom Brady makes me roll my eyes now too, and I follow the NFL off and on. Thanks. I'm so pathetic that I couldn't find it when SarahB mentioned it, because it's way past my bedtime but, for once, I'm putting in a bit of a writing shift. It is most definitely fixed now!! Thank you both. In a fairly non-scientifically rigorous way, yes. Glad that came through Great comments. Thank SSmooth. Much appreciated.

Thanks for reading, Kais. Comments much appreciated. I'm counting SarahB in the 'yes' column, so your vote makes it 2-2 (sorry, another sports analogy)! I feel that you liked it so much, maybe your vote should count twice! But, I think SSmooth has the deciding vote* here. That was the case in an earlier version, then I though it did not have sufficient momentum, hence the attack. The first one felt too much like searching the scientist's home in Book One. I'll consider giving them something more to find in B/MR's house. BR has a line about TT being with Mer. That's a long time ago. I'll wait till I get a complete alpha before ripping up too much, but the idea was that MR took TT away from the house because of a warning from BR before he was killed. It's probably not clear enough, and I may need to plant a line further back, in the hospital room scene. Well, I... won't say anything more just now other than the thought did enter my head at the time. I'll agree with this. It'd be nice to find something of note at the house Yeah, see above. Yeah. I was implying that E had gone through childbirth. My response to Mandamon above was: This is a good point. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was looking to inject character for E, but probably she has plenty of that, enough without this somewhat random point. So, do you think it's may too much / unnecessary? And she knows how to use it... He darn well should have. I can be really lazy about tying down character emotions when I should. I've punched it up a bit, Thanks for the throwing a flag on that... oh, sorry Yeah, that's definitely two votes, maybe three. Great comments. Thanks so much! ( * - This is not a democracy. My rules rule! )

Hey @Sarah B, thank you so much for taking the trouble to catch up. That was quite the task and I really appreciate it. I very much look forward to going through your the comments that you emailed. In terms of this chapter: Reworded, thanks. Hah. I thought I was using interchangeable terms, and this was a turtle neck, as you say. But in double checking in response to your question, I found this: This does not appear to me to be a turtle neck, but something different. Although, when you non-specific-search-engine the term 'roll neck' you get plenty of hits that look like what I would call a turtle neck. This is a good point. Back in Book 1 there's a bit where Q specifies what he wants 8(0) to call him, and there's a point (in Book 1) at which he changes that command (the reasons for which I cannot quite remember). Anyway here, you are quite right to say that there is a lack of consistency. I've done a search-and-replace and fixed the instances in this book. Thank you, good call Well cool! I do believe that's two to one now. It's more a case of scintillation that actual electricity, although...... having this crossed with an electric eel too would be really wicked. I love it!! (Note to self: Consider introducing actual electrical damage to the D/S.) Thank you again. These comments are very helpful

Hey, thanks so much for reading, ID. Yup, yuppity, yup, yup, yup. I'm running out of responses. I understand This is certainly fair comment. I'l most certainly look at summarising one of the checkpoint encounters. The comment came specifically from the POV of M being able to clear Q of the murder of R. I've tagged it now. As I think everyone knows by now, I plan to sharpen up all references to Q's son; TOM; M/C; E-C; and Gen in the course of the next edit. However the short answer (per my comment to Mandamon) is that E-C is D*i*s*n*e*y and Gen is P*i*x*a*r. Oops. Thanks That was just all the clumsy that phrasing. Changed to "Don’t you want to plant one on him too?" Right. That's two in the 'no' column then Great comments. A thousand thanks, Dragon

Hey, many thanks for reading, Mandamon. You've been so long-suffering with all the travelling. Kind of ironic given what you're up to at the moment Seriously though, point well made. I had aimed to try and combine this chapter and the next one, which has some payoff, but there were just too many words. What I will do, maybe, is tweak the chapter breaks, which I do have scope to do with people now together. This is a good point. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was looking to inject character for E, but probably she has plenty of that, enough without this somewhat random point. Right. Clearly, I have fumbled this. E-C is a big solar-system-spanning corporation, and Gen is one of the many companies that E-C owns/controls. I'm going to have to fix this in next edit. Yeah, this line is not correct. Rephrased; in fact no, I just cut it. Heh, that line didn't scan or anything. I've edited it. You're right of course, there's very little chance of M being there at all. I'm going to see how the majority falls on this. I feel it's on tone, although it totally take your point of where it falls, and how that could be jarring. Many thanks, great comments as ever

Project 75192: Update 22 - Bags No.16, Part 2 - "Turning the Corner" Right, let's push through to the end, then you never have to look at another brick from me again... probably. (As I am banned from buying any new Lego.) Always a challenge in Lego to make round things, the ingenious solution here is very elegant. Quarter sections (2,3) are connected to a skeleton with four ribs (8,12) at the ordinals (4) to form the cockpit and dog-leg 'corridor' that goes back into the body of the ship (13-16). The connections are very simple, the hull sections (10) joining by way of a few pegs (9,11,12), having already tied in the front cockpit section (2) with an angled tension tie (5,6) with the ends of the 'tube' knitting together by stepping down the hull at the joint (13,15). Couple more updates, only, I think.

Oooh. Yes, please.

Hey SSmooth, thank you for reading! Yes, D needs some kind of introduction, or at least mention (once or twice) D earlier in proceedings. Whilst I am trimming the travel in this pass, and will aim to do so again in the next one, I'm hoping there is an element of WRS in the stretchy feeling. Having said that, I am trying to cut the remaining words down too, so this is closer to the end in a ramping up sort of way. Yeah, I've tagged this for attention. Interesting theory. See above This is certainly closer to the intention. I accept I need to address the encounter here. I've had one go at it, but need to take another pass or three. Yes, okay: add paragraph of Q internal monologue on meeting E [Done: internal monologue added] Ha, yes, this has been through revision. There is a call back to 'bi' later. I've just read the latest version of this exchange again, and tweaked it some more. I'll see how it plays as we go forward. Thanks for tagging. I've had another go at the dialogue between Q and E, adding some internal commentary. Yes, it's gone, Whilst, Q is an A(hole) sometimes, he's not without hope of redemption. Not at all!! You prompted me to go back and look at some stuff that was floating around in free-fall, and I am much obliged for that

Thanks so much for reading, SSmooth Yes, I know now that I've created a fair amount of confusion around the TOM, MC, Son stuff, and will need to tidy all of that up on the next pass. So, the reveal was (intended to be) that the calls that Q thought had come from TOM, were in fact M/C, but M/C is not supposed to be his dad, so kind of the reverse? I'll clear it up, I promise!! I'll not take on any major alterations as I go, as clear it is tidied into the ending, but certainly I need to tie down references to the son so they are convincing. I'm glad the Q/M moments worked for you and... could it be that I want you to be exasperated by Q's thoughts, and possibly shout at the screen every so often? No comment

Thanks for this, Aero. I do want to take a look. I'm off work now for spell some hopefully will get the chance. Speaking of time to do things, I apologise if anyone is waiting on tenterhooks for the exciting culmination of the Millennium Falcon build, it seems to have dropped off my radar since I finished it...

Welcome to RE, @lizbusby. It's good to have a plan I look forward to reading your sub.

Me too, please. [Edit: ROFL, I subbed so early (i.e. on time) that I'd forgotten I'd already requested a slot for this Monday ]

So, I enjoyed this a fair amount, but did suffer a bit from lack of clarity in places, and some confusion. Also, I thought there was a tendency to wordiness, but that's just part of drafting and editing, I think. As threatened, I have sent you a Word file (do let me know if you need another format) with suggested edits. I managed down to 4,998 words, and I don't think there's a need to cut anything substantive or important. General and specific comments follow. (I have not duplicated all of these comments in the Word file, sorry, it's a bit random, so really need to cover both .) Because I've pasted into Word, I expect my page numbers will be different, sorry! page 2 - "where three would die" - I'm confused by the time frame. The first page made it difficult to tie down if he was looking back, and if so where from. More so on Page Two (in my cut-and-paste version) there is drifting of tense between 'J is' and 'he was', etc. - For me, the part about setting up the cables is too wordy and complicated. I struggled follow/picture it, and I don't really care. Is this a story about zombies/demons, or telecommunications? - So, these cables, they are actually an ariel, they're not supporting anything else, then only reason they are there is to receive the signal. I think cables is the wrong word. Or rather, not explaining they are the aerial is inaccurate. - "Miss one and you're on your own." - I'm not clear on what this means. That they won't find the next signal at all? - "email dialing up" - Hmm, but is it Morse code that L is hearing? I would not say that sounds that similar to the old dial-up modem handshake. page 3 - "Like a radio" - So, the description here, it sounds to me like what they have is a receiver, but not a transmitter. I'm not an expert, but I'm not aware that the average domestic radio sends any signal out, but purely receives it through the aerial. So how would the invaders locate them? - "She would sit there" - Yeah, so I'm still feeling that the piece sways between being in the moment, and being J's recollection of the moment. It's quite distracting. Phrasing like "She would..." whatever, is very much in the mode of him sitting in an armchair recounting this experience much later, which implies that he survives, of course. But much of the other phrasing is more immediate and present. I'm not good with all the tenses to be honest, the names of them, but I I know there's something off here. - I cannot suspend my disbelief over there eye bolts. You say the R is massive, but don't explain how big it actually is. Is it twenty feet; fifty feet in diameter? What ever the case, if it has so much mass and energy, there is no way those bolts don't just pull out of the wood on first contact. I'm a Civil Engineer, so stuff like this rings my (alarm) bells. It sounds to me like rock anchors would be required to resist the force of the R. - To me, it doesn't matter how wide and old the trees are. I feel the way it was described, the cables are not loop around the trees, but are threaded through eye bolts in the trees' trunks. The connection in that case is only as strong as that part of the wood in contact with the thread of the bolt. page 4 - It it's a shapeless mass, how does it roll? I've been picturing it like a big sphere, kind of Raiders of the Lost Ark or the new BBC adaptation of War of the Worlds (which is really good!! Back in the correct period, thankfully.), but with a black and undulating surface. - Confused. A slack cable can't pull out anything. Also, I'm not convinced about the behaviour of the tree. A tree that thick is not going to bendm is it? Surely it will just break. Also, confused about where the bolts are. - "only sound in that moment" - How can this be if the R is still around bashing down trees? - "choking on the smells of dirt and wood" - These are not especially pungent, IMO. - I'm really confused by the blocking (i.e the location of all the moving parts). They are running away from the R. The R knocked over the biggest tree, so it was at that tree. But then J and L are running towards the tree. Isn't that towards the R? Also, there tree has fallen over the gulley, but it was said that they had to run away from the gulley. I really don't know what they're doing at this point. page 5 - Most things that happen in narrative have an inbuilt timeframe that can be deduced easily by the reader from the text. A lot of the time words like 'suddenly', 'instantly', etc. actually slow down the narrative. So do phrases like 'in that moment', which you seems to use a fair bit. I'd suggest only using these phrases when there could be some doubt, or where there needs to be a big emphasis. I think you can save 20/30 words just from that. - I don't believe J can climb a massive tree when it's falling into a gulley, in all honesty, and it sounds like no one has fallen off? Seems quite improbable. (Ah, I see they have, that's good, but...) The thing is... More stakes. I'm not feeling the stakes. This thing should be snapping at their heels. - Totally confused about the cable (which has just reappeared. This cable seems to be all over the place. I struggle to picture the logistics of the cable, and this tends to make me skip over these parts. - "to their pre-arranged meeting point a mile away" - Huh? Wait a sec, what pre-arranged meeting point? This was a stop in my tracks moment. I don't remember this being established. It may be I've forgotten since yesterday when I was last reading, but I'm not so sure. I mean who are they meeting? I thought they got a different message everyday. - "my own destiny..." - This is kind of purple for me, out of tone with the rest of the story. I don't really understand his point. - "It was steep and sheltered" - How can a hill be sheltered? By trees? page 6 - "It was perfect weather for a mutiny" - I have a bit of a problem with this. I have almost no sense of any of the other characters, so this comes out of nowhere, IMO. I'm not saying give everyone else a character moment, but I think if you're going to have a mutiny, you need to show someone, more than one, complaining about the current leadership, or mention that there have been grumblings, something for foreshadow this before it lands. - "the tension build around him" - I believe that when you tell us that a chr is feeling something, it puts a barrier between us and the feeling itself. It's telling, not showing. When you take out the statement, it goes back to showing, IMO. - "a group of prey may survive where a lone animal wouldn’t" - I don't get this. Not sure it's automatically true. The loner can be more stealthy, but, in this situation, it's the radio that brings the invaders, so what does group vs. loner have to do with it, really? - I like L, I like how her character comes through, and it plays well against J's. They are nicely distinct, IMO. This is important since they are really the only two characters in the story (so far). - "I think that was the last one" - Not clear on what she means. I think it's the last message, but I'd like to be more sure. page 7 - "The question of where the coordinates they had been chasing would lead didn’t come up." - I feel like the important thing is what, or who, is at the end of those coordinates. And how does L know that they are the last set? How does she know that when they get to the end, they won't just get another transmission. What sort of data is being broadcast? I mention Morse code earlier, but it can't be that, or they would be suspicious that the source was only sending numbers, not any kind of textual message. I think they would be suspicious that there is not attempt to send meaningful messages. - "characters were the size of my hand. Large but not as large as they should be" - I don't understand either part of this, or what I am to deduce from it. - "Do you?" - I really, really enjoy L's voice. Well done. Her tone, and J's to be fair, are very consistent, and I continue to enjoy the distinction. I think this is the major strength of the story, but then I am always character focused. - "someone who isn’t us is broadcasting the coordinates" - This goes back to my point about Morse code. How did they get this far before coming to this conclusion? I would have thought the first assumption would be that humans would use Morse to send actual messages instead of just numbers. Morse is so simple to use. I should add that, despite this, I am intrigued to discover the outcome, I just wonder if the set up could be tighter. page 10 - "Great mystery solved." - I'm slightly underwhelmed here, because I feel they should have been doubting the source of the message from the start, for reasons stated previously. - "disaster" - I didn't get this sense. He's been quite successful, I thought. page 11 - "Cats to eat the slow one" - Hard stop for me here. Cats are domestic, and not threatening. I find this a bit weak. Why not jackals; or ratters, which kind of evokes Rs in its sound; or even vultures. Something more threatening. - "clever ones" - Hmm. See earlier comments. I think they've been quiet naive thinking the signals were human/benign. conclusion I enjoyed the story. It's got good momentum, I like the pacing and I enjoy the two characters, their respective personalities (which I found distinctive), and the byplay between them. There were points of style that I have highlighted through the in-line comments (emailed separately). I like the arc of the story, that it doesn't wrap up all neatly at the end, but that it does have a satisfying conclusion. As an incurable romantic, I bought into the ending completely. I particularly liked how you did not overtly play up their relationship, but that the clues were their (from J's perspective anyway, but occasionally very subtly (I thought) from L's in her grouchy way). One problem with the ending I must flag is how L ends up being characterised as a BURDEN!!! No!!! I really think you need to address that. She was driving the whole thing and brought them to where they were going. Okay, that turned out to be misguided, but that's on him as much as her (and a bit unconvincing, IMO, as I have noted already). Still, I think you can have him carrying her at the end, but I think it would be better to use this as a counterpoint against how she carried him for much of the story. I really hope my inline stuff is useful, and again, please forgive me for my 'enthusiasm' in suggesting must and changes, I get pretty energised seeing ways that (I think) a story can be better. I hope there are things there that you can use. Thanks for sharing, and welcome to the Reading Excuses!!

Hey Sarah, This sounds very interesting. I hope you will forgive the liberty but, as you will learn, I am a frustrated editor (which is ironic, since I'm so slow editing my own stuff ). I've dropped the text into a Word file and will comment in-line with suggestions, etc., if that's okay. And please remember that you invited typo and spelling comments... just saying

They look terrific. Yum.

Hi WH! Welcome to RE. I look forward to reading your stuff some time

Since I actually managed to submit on Monday for the first time since 1973, could I have a slot next Monday too? I've got seven whole days to edit my chapter!!

Hey all, A submission from me on a Monday!! What is going on! Sadly, this is an all too remarkable thing, but here is the next chapter. You know the drill. Many thanks for any time you have to spare for this Best, Robinski Chapter Summary: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay; 11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM; 12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM; 13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening. 14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes. 15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves. 16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos. 17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future. 18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time. 20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs. 21 - Our heroes drive to BR's house, encounter a roadblock and pull a ruse on the National Guard there. At the house, they search until they are 'set upon' by more nasty T/F.

Soooooooooo, I'll put my hand up for a slot on Monday, please. Monday as in Monday, not Monday as in Wednesday (honestly).

It did not enter my head for a single second that protagonist was a ventriloquist. If you say someone is mute in such a very definite way, I will believe you totally. So, I',m in the magical cat club when it comes to interpretation of the story. Same. I come back to what I was saying about stakes, but equally sense of fear.

It's always great to see new voices here on RE, so I am excited to read your piece. Full disclosure, I read no flash really, other than the very occasional piece submitted here (maybe once a year?). Also, I am not a cat person. I admire the concept of cats, I tend to enjoy encountering cats, when I'm not chasing them out of my garden--my space is not their space, although, actually it is, I'm just not ready to accept it yet. So, on neutral ground then. Anyway, enough prattling from me. page 1 - First paragraph: I don't know what protagonist is clutching. Is it a novel, a VHS, a DVD? - I like the mood so far, I like the tone. There is some angst here, some internal conflict, and/or conflict with the environment, which is good. - Second paragraph: Setting is a little blurred, but I'm led to picture a classical urban alley (fire-escapes, garbage, etc.), which I can do just fine, however driveway throws me off because, where I come from (Glasgow, Scotland, UK), that's a generally suburban thing leading to a house of a cul-de-sac (for example), which does not seem to fit here. - The two gorillas in plaid toss me out of the story on my behind. I'm suddenly in a period piece, Suddenly, I'm in an episode of The Rockford Files, or Columbo, or similar. I had a handle, but now it's gone. - Some of the word choices could be cleaner, more precise, I think. More affecting, more surprising. It seems to me there are several instances of easy/first option, or low-hanging fruit, in Writing Excuses terminology. - Not an example of that, but a contradiction: the goons are trying to be discreet, but they're failing... okay, fine. But they are not failing 'poorly', they are failing very successfully. 'poorly' does not attach to their discretion, but (incorrectly) to their failure. - Paragraph three: 'mini earthquake' - meh. This is what I mean about word choice. To me, this is verging on cliché. - Also, the wording could be tighter, for me, in places. I imagine for flash it's all about editing, editing, editing until there is nothing spare at all. I think this has a way to go in that respect. E.g.: "They’d be able to beat me in any footrace." > I would lose a footrace. OR They'd beat me in a footrace. - Paragraph four: I'm not clear on what protagonist can take; a beating? - Paragraph five: Why, if they are in an alley with no one else around (as is clearly the case), are the goons being all oblique? There's no point in them feigning casualness, they have clear been 'made'. - "I stride my gaze up..." - Is this a typo? Sorry, but it's a horrible phrase, IMO. It doesn't parse at all. What does that even look like? - Also, 'stalked'. This comes back to tone and setting, and word choice. Stalking, I think, has very specific connotations in terms of a modern idiom (a lone pest, stalking a probably vulnerable individual), or a classical sense (a hunter stalking prey, typically in the bush, with a rifle, bow, etc.). I don't think, personally, that it works in a context where the stalker has a numerical, and physical, advantage. - Paragraph six: this is not you, it's me, but I don't think I'm wrong!! "My backpack is torn off of me" - I know this is a standard American English construction, but I think it sounds horrible, because 'of' performs no function in this form other than cluttering up the phrase, tripping up the flow of the language and generally making the sentence sound clumsy. Sorry, but I feel kind of strongly about this. I apologise, but can anyone honestly tell me that 'My backpack is torn off me' is not more succinct, elegant, impactful? I know I'm being dogmatic, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I remain convinced that you do not find this form in 'properly edited' books. - Paragraph eight: Why is second not called Beta? It just seemed that you set that up. it feels untidy to me. And, I'm confused about what's going on. They're behaving like bullies rather than gangsters. I feel I've misinterpreted the intention with 'plaid'. To me, it refers to a gangster's suit, but I'm thinking now that it could be a punk thing. page 2 - Paragraph three: 'cause is an abbreviation, and should have a apostrophe to mark the missing letters, even at the start of a sentence. Maybe it should be 'Cause, but still. Also, the goon's logic is ridiculous, even for a dumb--s. You wouldn't know to look at someone because you can't talk? For me, it's a stereotype that goons a dumb. Goons and bullies are dumb 95% of the time; it's a very tired trope, and it lowers the threat level from malevolent to snicker. - Paragraph four: Where is the cat? I've got not sense of context. Also, calm as holding a box? These things are unrelated. The box could have a snake in it. It's a odd phrase. - "My arm twists uncomfortably." - Very passive. Beta is twisting his arm, saying that is much more direct, brings the threat of further violence and pain. Also, 'uncomfortable'? Really? The threat of discomfort was palpable... I really don't thing discomfort is high enough stakes here. - Paragraph five: What is "-"? I don't know what that is. Also, 'boys'. This is the first indication that the goons are not adults, which I was assuming. I think we need more context right up front, as I've gone off down the wrong track in terms of the story's context. - Paragraph six: where is the cat, where it is? No context. - "animals midnight sheen" - missing apostrophe. - 'three stooges' - The three stooges are a collective, this is two vs. one. The phrase does not fit very well, IMO. Also maybe a bit weak. I'd like to feel the cat's complete indifference to the situation, which I think was the tone intended? - Paragraph seven: "neither one willing to speak for a moment" - plenty of redundancy here. - 'Revelling' implies joy: this is not a joyful situation. A misleading word, IMO. - "My arms nearly wrench themselves from their sockets" - Odd to picture Beta holding both of protagonist's arms. - feet (plural) pounding pavement like a hammer (singular), is not a tidy or elegant metaphor. Also, pounding like hammer and anvil is a massive cliché. - Maine Street? LOL, love that! (Also, extra period at the end.) - Paragraph eight: "...to shout his clichéd “Get him,” - Err, I think you need to be cautious about throwing the word cliché around. It's rather the pot calling the kettle black. Also, it comes right back to that 'Villains are stupid, uneducated, predictable' trope which is really boring. The reader just laughs at the villains: it undermines the threat of the situation, IMO. page 3 - Paragraph one: "They bridge the gap halfway before I passed the cat." - This is difficult to parse. I know what it means, but it's not clear, doesn't flow well. Also, wrong tense for 'passed'. - "I glance in despair back at the cat" - I'm a firm believer in not splitting the infinitive. I think it sounds awful in most circumstances. Yes, I do it occasionally, but there's a time and a place. This form sounds really awkward, IMO. I'd go... 'I glance back at the cat (one action, components kept together) in despair.' The other advantage of this form is that is puts your most important word at the end of the sentence, which is a valuable and highly effective technique for punching up the impact of sentences. - Oh, and if the goons have only bridges the gap alway, how can they get a hold of protagonist? Is there any disadvantage in just having them bridge the whole gap before he gets past the cat? - Paragraph two: "Deputy" - this is different label applied to 'Second', which especially in a short piece, it seems to me, just makes it a tiny nit harder for the reader to remember who is being referred to. - How does he know that cat is watching their backs? I'm confused. - Paragraph five: "It will probably bruise" - and there goes so more of my sympathy for protagonist. Bruise? Really? That's pretty precious, and it brings home to me in this moment that I don't really get much sense of fear from protagonist. Sure, they're not enjoying the encounter, but I don't get much sense of dread, of the potential direness of the consequences. The stakes seem low. - Paragraph eight: "pleasurable purr" - this means 'pleasing'. The implication to me is that the cat finds its own purr pleasing, which doesn't seem like the right sense for this situation. page 4 - Paragraph one: 'I cannot hold it' - what is 'it'? Unclear. - "serve as my disappearance is discovered" - serve how? Serve what? This is not clear, IMO. - Paragraph two: the last line left me confused. I took me two or three re-readings before I remembered that protagonist was mute. That did not seem to play a great part in the story, I think maybe since it would be plausible that a different protagonist in the same situation might just be rendered mute (temporarily) through fear. conclusion I like the idea, but I want more from it. I want more stakes, more passion, more emotion. The villains are weak/predictable, IMO, and that undermines the stakes. If they were clever, wily, cruel; if they had a clear motivation, that would go a long way to raising the stakes of the story. The cat does not seem to behave like a cat in the beginning, I thought. Also, there's no blocking around the cat, little description, no real sense (I thought) that it appears to be a normal cat in the first place. I think this undercuts the moment when it begins to speak. If it meowed, rubbed up against protagonist's legs or something hyper familiar, that would ground me at the start, and therefore I think its speaking (and I would like protagonist to see its mouth move, to really drive home that this voice is not only in protagonist's mind) would have much more impact. Another thing: the title really tends to give away what's going to happen, to the point where it reduces the impact of the critical moment, the reveal. How is this not fantasy? I would say it's 'a fantasy' in the sense that there is a strong element of the fantastic. We're met all swords and sorcery around here, you know! Anyway, it's hard to judge style in such a short piece, but there is plenty that I enjoyed about this. I like protagonist's voice (what there is space for in three pages), I like the idea, I just wanted more depth, more impact, more surprise. I hope these comments ts are useful Sorry they are so late

Hey everyone, I'm sorry (again) that this is late (again), but hope you can find a spot in your schedule over the next few days to have a gander. Any and all comments on style, logic, plausibility, etc. would be greatly welcomed, even if you have not read the rest of the story (although I appreciate that would tend to be off-putting). Best, Robinski Chapter Summary: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay; 11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM; 12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM; 13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening. 14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes. 15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves. 16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos. 17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future. 18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time. 20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs.

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I tend to be with Dan on this. I tend to (but not always) invent the tip of the iceberg to the point at which I think it's convincing that there is a whole iceberg beneath it, then I stop and move on. I've got pages to write, I don't have time to spend a year creating a world that I'm going to use 5% of.