Robinski

Yes!! No instructions?! Awesome!!!! I'm very interested to see how this goes together. My curiosity was peaked when you show some parts before.

I'm very interested to see where this goes now that our troupe of young heroes has encountered the military. (page 1) - "breaks" > brakes. - "at least a layer of skin (or more)" - this felt awkward to me. So, what, two layers in some places, but one in others? (page 2) - "grackle" - Huh, I had no idea what this was. That's me learned something today. I did look it up, and the indication (from Wiki) is that these are not birds of prey. - "it’s its prey" - delete apostrophe. - I don't buy Z thinking she's crazy. This major calling out, it doesn't work for me. Clearly she is not, she's on a train, she's felt the touch of these people, the cuffs are real. This thought, doubled a redoubled by several separate lines; I don't see why she would think that. She demonstrated a good grip of reality when presented with the idea of a demon egg (I seem to recall), but this is the thing that makes her doubt her sanity? Meh. - "It moves unnaturally fast because" - Hmm, this makes my palms sweat. If the train is travelling beyond it natural means, there is a question of the brakes not performing adequately to stop it. I can see you're calling that out with al this jerking around, which was starting to bug me, because if a train is driven properly, that should not happen. - Repetition of 'anyway', twice in two lines. (page 3) - "wasn’t on P’s list of expressions" - excellent detail. - "Your training will start in the morning" - It's probably me WRS, but I don't remember Z being accepted into any programme. - "It didn’t matter if that they had her handcuffed to a chair" - They do; it's not in doubt. - "A host?" - Ah, yes. Okay, I would not have forgotten that without the reader gap. (page 4) - "Despite the scars on the insides of her thighs" - Was the self-harm highlighted before? I don't remember this. Maybe just WRS. - "What won’t hurt?" - Huh? There doesn't seem to be any reference to anything hurting. Perhaps a remnant? - The 'as (sic) someone' thing is awkward, for me. We're in a moment of tension and reveal, but what I'm concentrating on a some kind of weak wordplay. - "and wildly curly hair that looked like" - hair is mentioned above, so this is kind of awkwardly repetitious. - "examine every corner of any room" - Hmm, but we didn't see her doing this before, so this feels rather retconned into the scene. I'd prefer to see her doing this earlier, so it's foreshadowed. (page 5) - "one of the more nefarious organizations" - I'm not convinced 'nefarious' is the word. It means wicked, evil and immoral, but surely it's working for the good of the war. How would this fit the GK's image? it just seems excessive. Also, the sentence containing that phrase, it kind of jumbled, IMO: Z doesn't know if she reacted, then the Inq bit, then we're back to her cursing her slip, although she doesn't know if she reacted. - "Left, R would have said" - really? I don't remember a lot of quipping. - "hard to remember how they had come off" - Eh? I don't understand. Also, this whole paragraph seems to wonder between one thought and another; I found it quite difficult to read. (page 6) - I'd say 'sleepover' was one word. (page 7) - "silence felt awkward and she felt obligated to add more" - something missing here. (page 8) - "There was a woman behind her!" - But the woman who came in with Agent S was announced at the time they entered. This feels like repetition. (page 9) - So, is it mind space or mind scape? - "There was a woman in the room!" - Yes, what? I'm confused. (page 10) - "the one the probe showed you" - I don't remember this. What probe? Maybe it's WRS. - "demon egg" - Oh, right. - "trying to focus on the woman" - But previously she couldn't focus on C. Has something changed? - "his attention back to the girl" - This is not in Z's POV. - "sort of compulsion" - Huh? How is this a good thing? (page 12) - "Where are my friends?" - This throws me for a loop. How does she know they are not on the train, and how does she know her mum is? As a zinger, this just leaves me confused. - "in the opposite direction of the train" - Wait, the train is going away from the city now? Was this referred to? I feel like I would have noticed this happening if it had been on the page. I'm kinda confused again. - "M had made ogling the man’s biceps" - this seems way-out of character for M. I'm really not sure I believe this. (page 13) - "being attractive, almost to a fault" - I'm not really interested in all this who's attractive stuff. It does not seem important in their present situation. On RE sometimes they refer to being in the POV of the character whose stakes are highest and that seems clearly to be Z at this point, and indeed most points. - "Take these two to the GK" - okay, I take that back, but I had to get through the attractive stuff to get to this. (page 14) - "the girls had had to convince him that it might be true" - That he was a FoM? Confused by the phrasing here. - "stopped to make camp" - how are they travelling? I've got no sense of their surroundings. (page 15) - "He knew at least part of the situation between Z and her own mother." - should this be M, because he's drawing the comparison? - "as if behind those eyes there was not just clockwork" - This whole metaphor is weird. Why would he liken her to a machine in a way that sounds like it's supposed to be complimentary? It's really not. (page 16) - "A smile broke on to his face" - IMO. Otherwise, it sounds like the breaks on his face like a ship on rocks. - "the mostly barren landscape" - uncertainty and vagueness is not engaging. Do you need this, can't it just be barren? If not, why is it not barren, something is being held back from the description. (page 17) - Totally bamboozled by this last scene. These people do not behave like hostage and captor. Hostage doesn't seems like the right word. Where are they from? - I think part of the problem is all the tension has been around the kids being at odds with the apparatus of command, but now that (seems to be) is gone, there's a tension something of a vacuum. This handler guy, whose motivations I have no idea about, seems just dropped in to add a threat now that the major threat is gone. It feels quite artificial to me. I think we actually need this scene quite a bit earlier, or to see him earlier and understand his motivations so that you can use him where you need him with proper effect. Mostly now, I am just confused and feeling a bit narked at this guy popping up from nowhere. Because I don't know anyone in the scene, it's difficult to feel any investment in what they are saying. Overall I enjoyed the first scene of Z meeting the inquisitor, questioning by the general, etc. After that, I'm kind of tailing off. I think R and M's scene could be more affecting, more powerful, and the last scene doesn't carry any weight for me. I'm hoping we're back with Z in the next submission. I don't understand why she is moving away from the front; it feels like she's moving away from where the interest and action is. It feels like she's going backwards, but at least she's doing interesting stuff. My main concern is where the tension is going to come from, as I have no investment in this handler guy, and the person who does not behave like a hostage, but seems to cooperate with him quite amiably and without reluctance. <R>

Hey Sara, Excited to read this one: we're getting near the end! Okay, got it. Okay, noted. Never! (page 1) - "doll heads rocked back and forth" - Gah! Freaky. I'm picturing, but I don't want to! - "M could almost bend reality" - Uncertainty and vagueness = bad. Can we have a positive, engaging statement, please? - "all sung in unison" - I'll never get into this US mode. I would say 'sang'. Put aside cultural norms, 'sang' sounds much more in the present, don't you think. 'sung' is something that happened in the past, isn't happening in the scene, IMO. - "collecting ticks" - Yuck; I'm certainly on edge in this scene. - "To burst out of..." - Are they all chanting this at once? It's really wordy, but I like the chanting thing. - "knowing them all down" - I know, I know, but just this one! 'mowing', obvs. Also, this seems just a bit too easy. (page 2) - "but they were locked" - Use the dagger to burst it open. I think they gave up too soon here. - motheaten is one word, or at least hyphenated. -"we had a hammer, a screwdriver" - confused. First they can't pick them up, then they can? How is it they manage to pick them up second time? - "hinges of the door" - This is the dresser thing, right, not the cobwebbed door? Not entirely clear. - "The inside It was full of chains" - rough phrasing. Of course it's the inside that's full: redundant. - "maybe poison ivy" - vagueness less engaging, even if you said 'looked like poison ivy' it makes it more certain and therefore threatening. - "affect them if they were in an object" - confusing grammar. I think 'they' and 'them' are different, but it's not clear what they are. (page 3) - "I just needed to see me one more time" - Huh? Not 'see you one more time'? Confusing. - "put a and on A’s shoulder" - how does she do that? (page 4) - "rolled out of the stairs like an avalanche" - 'rolled' is not a sufficiently compelling word to describe an avalanche. - 'lead' is stuff you put on church roofs (old churches, anyway). This should be 'led', two instances. - "thing that would hold a hand towel" - confusing and not compelling. This is an urgent moment, and I don't want to be distract be trying to figure out what is trying to take E's head off. How about just calling it a towel rail? - "we would have just gone in that way to begin with" - Hmm, I feel this kind of undermines the last six/seven pages. - "I took out my dagger out" - good form to finish the sentence with the most compelling word, I understand. (page 5) - "but of course our moms didn’t answer" - Confused. I didn't think Mx.R was D's mum, I thought they were her aunt? - "A giant net fell from the ceiling and knocked the sword out of my hands" - Giant net, oh, please no. This is super, super cheesy. It's a Scooby Doo moment, and that is not the tone of this story, IMO. Also, I don't mind you interchanging the terms dagger and short-sword, but the term sword is confusing, IMO. - "net wriggled like it was alive" - This is better, but only if it is actually alive, and that we know it's not just a plain old net right from the start. - "D had her eyes closed and her hands clenched around the net" - how does E know this with their eyes closed? (page 6) - "plastic turned to flesh and C fell to the floor" - Yay! This is a cheer moment!! - "I brought the blade up a cross the g/e cords twined around her" - it seems to me the 'correct' way to sever cords with minimum risk to the captive is to slip the blade under the board and cut outwards (at a suitable angle). I think it would be easier to accept that E was always trying to do this when they have time to cut, and only makes a slash if it's a moment of panic/urgency and there is not time to take the safe option. The reason being, of course, as you point out, the risk of cutting actual flesh and giving someone a serious and potentially fatal stomach wound. Being consistent about this through the story would make the use of the short-sword / dagger way more plausible for me. - "tingle like it was starting as it started to go numb" - nope, nope, nope. Be specific, be positive, be certain: it's a bajillion times more compelling, exciting and stressful for the reader. - "I would not, I would not, I would not..." - I like this triptych of phrases, and it seems a bit crude to suggest it, but I think a exclamation make, certainly for the last one, would drive this home! (page 7) - "saying things to her Mom too over the storm" - double to/o is really awkward to absorb in the reading. Also, can D be shouting or calling to her mom? I imagine it's noisy in the room. - "Then, everything went silent." - You asked about description: it's been fairly good so far, although could always be dialled up a bit. Here however there is a chronic lack of description. There are a bunch of flying crocks (aren't there?) that should all fall to the carpet with a crash. Maybe dog stops barking. You haven't really described the noise, so you can't have the payoff when it goes quiet. Also, I think the sound should and does involve movement too, so things should become still, wind down, stop to stare. Also, surely with all the hullabaloo gone, little sound will intrude and become noticeable. Maybe Mx.R is gasping, the dog is panting, etc. - "My Mom and MxR float behind her" - Eh? I'm confused. So MxR is human now, but mom is still plastic, I think, but how are they floating? Isn't D beside MxR? Why wouldn't D grab hold of them? I don't understand this bit. - "D was holding her mom’s head and shoulders" - Huh? I say again, I'm confused, but I was right earlier. MxR is not D's mum, but there was a statement earlier that implied they were. - Last line: Yeah, nice baiting, letting us see the prize, getting close, getting something, but not the win. I think this would qualify as 'yes, but'--sort of--in Reading Excuses terminology. Overall Good chapter. Various comments, but I like the pacing, the plot development / action. I think this will be strong when it's tidied up (see comments). There are unclear bits, but all easily fixable, I think. I believe the description can be dialled up in place, which will help drive the tension and the action. M isn't all that antagonistic when she has the exchange with A. I think that could be better; bring the stakes in and really ramp them up. Why not have her lay out her despicable plan here, so the reader knows exactly what is at stake when M whisks Mom and MxR away? I think this is the ideal time to reveal what M is going to do, so we can be worrying about Mom and MxR from here in to the final scene(s). Good job, I enjoyed this one a good deal, now bring it home

Hello all, Here we are again. Any and all comments greatly appreciated, if you have the time and inclination to read. Chapter recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay; 11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM. Cheers, Robinski

I'd like to submit on Monday too, please.

Thanks for reading, Kais. Sorry I haven't got to your sub this week. This is my next task, I promise! Yes, I've certainly made a rod for my own back with four scenes. I've cut about 300 words out, so it's a bit tighter, and I will have another go at it before I move on to the next chapter. I'll think on that, certainly. There's a bit more travel coming up and I've already pegged it as a decent cut candidate. Also, in the scene here where they park up, I've added some more specific plot progress, I think. Hurray! You're the only one to comment, which I guess means nobody hated it I've dropped a line in the first paragraph to clarify this. Reworded, but thanks. Clarified in Paragraph 1, thanks. Yeah, switched to T. Okay, noted. Probably I'll take some more out of E's POV. I know, right? Thanks, yeah, you'll have gathered this book sees the evolution of their relationship. Good call here, I've taken your suggestion and plucked a bit harder on the old heart strings. Hah, yes, this is more of Q line. I've reworded it. Great comments. Thank you for reading!

Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading You're not alone, I think. Having tackled Mandamon's edits, not to mention my own on the first pass, I think it's a bit clearer, and a bit less scattered. I can feel it coming together, but not there yet. Argh, right. I'm hoping there might be a smidgen of WRS, but I'm going to try and sharpen up the start of this chapter so that at least E's motivation shines through. I know, right?! I think I could make millions from this... It's not so much that the TF are top secret, as that they are not seen or used on Earth. I suppose the effect might be much the same, other than there are probably images available on the net of these creatures from places where they have been deployed, although they are rare (the images). Gen don't exactly produce brochures or have a menu on their website! Good point about the scent and androids. I've taken a note to flag something against the question of why the regular S&R teams don't meet with any success in their searches. It's a good point, and I think I need to answer it. I think I also need to address, or at least hand a lantern, on your point about the news teams obtaining footage. Good points both. Thank you. Hmm, yes. I think if I'm going to cut a travel scene, it will need to be the one in the town when they are going to the airport. As you say, I think this one brings something. It's quite an important personal moment. You'll be pleased to hear that there is more travel to come Probably even good scenes, BUT... I know it's a problem. I'm trying to inject more plot impetus into these scenes. It might take a couple of/more passes. I... really, I can't argue with that But I wanted a nice quiet scene, darn it!! I'll need to think on that one. Argh. Lots to think about. Thanks for challenging with these various comments, ID. Much appreciated

Hey! I'm really delighted that you've jumped in here. Brave move so far in, given that--as you say--the outline is pretty much only any use to folks who have been reading, but maybe forgotten a bit from week to week. Anyway, I'm always excited to hear from and meet new folks both submitting and critiquing Ah, well... to some degree, it's write what you know, in the my wife lived in Creston, B.C. (where this novel starts) for over 20 years, so I've visited there a lot. Also, I've been back and forth between Creston and Calgary many times, which is where Q and M are travelling at the moment. I've never been to NWT, that's all straight off G**gle Str**tview and other online sources. I'm glad I'm bringing some excitement to the frozen north Okay, good... ...yes, right. I wonder if this would have been easier to swallow if you'd read those earlier section that are called back, and before the gaps are filled up (between her last scene and now). That doesn't answer you point, of course. She does go not to take action, but its not breakneck rushing around / pursuit / combat, but more considered planned (re)action. That's just where we find E at the moment. I'm not saying that others have not called for more action in the story (this is the second time I've submitted to this point, last time, the story wasn't finished, which it now is). Fair point. I would say it builds towards something, but of course al building and no reward can be unsatisfying. I have cut down E's scene here by about 10% in the edit (I'm always in the edit when I go through the comments here), so I hope that makes it tighter, and a bit more tense, which I've tried to do in this second edit of the chapter. This is one of the underlying 'weaknesses' of my style, in that I tend to enjoy exposition, often at the expense of action. This is by no means the last edit of this chapter, of course! Ah, now then. What does not come across in any way in this scene is that M is 14 and Q is 34. He is her legal guardian as a result of 'stuff in Book 1'. They are not related. I'll come back to your request for Chapter 01 at the end . Q was married, he's rather emotionally stunted and does not deal well with kids. M is precocious 2.0, orphan and former convent resident, hence the searing, obvs! All this is very clear from Chapter 01 in this book, but not here, I totally accept that. I don't think it's just you! There are others on here who have a bit of a struggle with the balance that I strike between exposition and action, and I'm guessing you can see which way I fall in these things after reading this . I'm eternally grateful to the guys for keeping me honest in relation to the expo ratio, so do not feel the slightest guilt in calling out this stuff. Yes, all about balance. Notwithstanding the amount to exposition I produce, I'm no great fan of reading it in excess (unless it's brilliant, of course ). So again, I'm happy for you to call expo excess whenever you wish. That's very kind. I'll be able to judge if I've done it justice by the end, of course, and actually long before then, but I really appreciate the kind words. There is a version of the complete draft on Ggle Drv. If you're really keen, I'll send you an invite, bearing in mind this is Chapter 10. (Hexadecimal chapter numbers. I know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Book 1 had binary chapter numbers, and I'm thinking of using Roman numerals or the Mayan system for Book 3). Thank you again for jumping into this so far in. I really enjoyed your comments. Welcome (again) to Reading Excuses!! <R>

Project 75192: Update 18 - Bags No.14 - "Wings of Falcon" Now, we're going back to the middle area, and construction of a kind of winged section that sits in front of the crown of the fuselage(8). It's hinged on either side (5,6,7) so that it can rest over the different angles of the substructure and look 'bolted on', although actually there are not that many point of connection. It has a 'notch' out of one 'wing'(3,4) to permit a view of internal mechanical gubbins, as the four openings in the front 'prongs' did. The more I get into this the more boggled my brain gets at the design that has gone into it, the sheers calculation and, no doubt, trial and error, to get to the end result must have been immense, even if they did start from the previous Millennium Falcon model (which was present at the Lego exhibit at the art exhibition over at Point Square!).

Hey, thanks again for reading, your exacting comments are always testing, which is excellent. Yes, I recognise these various issues. I'm going to try and cut E's section here pretty hard, but also draw out her suspicions better, plus look to give Q and M more to do while on the road, more thought process, more emotion from their POVs. I'm hoping to focus on this in E's POV. I've trimmed it a bit. This might be a remnant. Good spot. Fair point. I'll call this out. Yeah, this stuff is just confusing the situation. I'll cut it, not necessary. Not well worded. She meant that anyone who didn't know might find it harder to find info if they don't use the actual name. Clarified, I hope. The idea is redirecting the teams back towards town, since there are signs that put the MTs closer in than the teams are. Also, I've changed the wording of the hatstand line a bit for clarity. Cut. Confusing. I've worked the up some more, although I thought the info was there. Not Mts specifically, but essentially, yes. Hopefully a bit of WRS. This is s reference to T, but should take in R's wife too (will edit). They don't know E. Okay. Have tweaked slightly. Err, nope. It was phrased as 'I have been disconnected from the net.' I need to tidy up the references here, and I think I will expand this bit slightly, to point out the (possible) significance through Q's eyes. Okay, I've tried to dial up the tension and the investigating here. Part of my last comment above will play into this. I'm going to permit some more deductive reasoning here. I hope it will help tension and stakes, by giving some more info, I think. I'll tweak the wording here. I was conjecturing that maybe bullets are no longer made of lead, but it didn't really go anywhere. I'll tidy this up. Great comments, as ever; thank you so much

Hi SSmooth, always glad to have your comments Cool, I'll take that as a starting point I like this perspective, and do agree that alpha/beta would be a better perspective to assess it. It must be weird doing it on a weekly basis. Ha, ahem. This is a darn good point. The whole vehicle thing is massively inconvenient, actually. So, for ambulances, I'm thinking that they cannot so easily be disabled. They might need to be driven fast (most likely by android), and therefore making them shut down for erratic driving might be contra responding to an emergency. As to remote immobilisation, I kind of think the same issues might apply. Maybe the sheriff needs some kind of court order, which makes it a bit impractical. It's a torture joke, red hot pokers being flowers, but also things used historically for purposes of torture (I gather). In terms of what Nat will do to Q with the flowers he does or does not take her. Cool. I haven't changed it Yeah, this is it in a nutshell: it's kind of the style of the stories, but also the risk of playing the two timelines. I feel that I'm stuck with it, but no doubt we'll come back to this if 'we' get to the end, and know how it all plays out. Yeah. I've called it out a bit more, but in essence, the suit's important is supposed to be in the background here. As I noted, he's not going to go back for it and end up getting them caught. Hand-wave, hand-wave, "This is not the plane you're looking for." Thanks for reading, and many thanks for the comments! Most helpful

Hey, Silk - really appreciate you reading. I'm bracing myself... let's go! Good point. I've called that out a bit more. Maybe. Q does cal out previously that there is tracking on them, it's just supposed to buy them a minute or two. I take you point. A thing that occurred to me was if there's an APB out on Nat's plane, they'll still be able to see the colour, etc. It's a bit hand-wavy, I'll admit. Yeah, it's my overriding concern in all of this. There are more road scenes to come and I'm looking at what to cut. This is very interesting. I think there was a comment before about things being too easy, so actually, I'm pretty pleased to hear this I was going for the implication that only 'bad' androids get disconnected, so yes, it does go to credibility. Kind of supposed to be funny, but maybe not. Really appreciate your comments, Silk. Thank so much for reading

Thanks so much for reading, ID, I've added a fair bit about Q's motivation, so hopefully that helps address this issue. In relation to the suit, well, he doesn't really have much choice in the matter. I called out its symbolic importance more, but I don't think I can have him going back for it. Sure. I think it does, and there is more of an exchange now in the plane, and more exchange going forward, so hopefully this will be better. Phew. I'm repaved to hear that I hear you, and that it a danger with the format, I suppose. I hope there is a bit more portaging coming (fairly) soon! Thank you for reading. Very much appreciate your comments

This is just... the best, and is pretty much exactly what I was going for in this story. I'm soooo pleased. I know it's not working for all, and there is more in this chapter now on `q's motivation, which I hope makes it stronger still for those not quite engaged with the direction of the plot. I'm so completely relieved and delighted that you're feeling the M and Q dynamic is back after that first edit. That was a big concern for me. I'm so excited for the reaction to future chapters as it develops. As noted in response to Mandamon, I've added a page of stuff going towards Q's motivation. It is about guilt over how he left J, and recognising Q's role in J's downfall, but also that M and TOM had roles in that downfall too. Canada in Winter, I just couldn't swing it for this story, the damage would have been irrevocable. He does have a wardrobe change coming up though. Maybe you remember, maybe you don't. There was a bit of a skip ahead. It went out the window in the break between the chapters, it doesn't go out the window 'on the page'. I'll tidy that up. Great comments. Thank you so much for reading, Kais!! Plenty more zingers to come, I trust.

Hey Mandamon, thanks very much for reading. Noted, I'll see what I might do as I read through. (Going though it, I see your point. I've changed a couple up; definitely better.) I've inserted half a page that I think will strengthen this aspect, hopefully considerably. It's a good call, and I think this is the right place for it, when they have a bit of down time to talk. I actually subbed this chapter and the following two in April/May last year before stopping, so these words have been through before. I changed it to 'aircraft'. The murder, have clarified. Someone noted the link between the yellowish residue in the vial and the yellow foam coming from one of the bodies. Maybe a smidge of WRS? Although there was another chapter in between. I'll consider the role of the vial in the story. It was discovery written and may not be necessary any more. He wouldn't. Not well worded, not modified. I guess she means 'crash us faster'. The are sort of being forced down, but I think it's clear Q has some control over the decent. Cool. There is more now, going to Q's motivations in going to YK. A fairly tortured metaphor about the plane fighting against his control. No. There was a moment where Q revealed to M that the last he knew of her she had been institutionalised. M expressed shock that he did not know about her current situation. Ouch! Yes, I'll reappraise this just now as I edit. Yes, ta. I think maybe I need to tag that 80 is loaded into the ambulance, but androids are considered a bit like props, equipment, personals possessions, almost. True, and I'll flag his pain, but it's more of a balance thing for the android, action and reaction. I figure they still would need to regain balance. Oops, yes. The EMT was human before, then I switched them to android. This is a remnant. Fair enough. I wasn't really planning on shifting his personality that much, but I've added about 300 words to this chapter all aimed at playing up and clarifying his motivation. Thanks for calling this out! Great comments as ever. Much appreciated. <R>

Woop, woop. Glad to see you back

I know I'm bad for this. The only thing I can offer in defence is that I really don't expect or need critiques within the week, if that's any consultation. Sorry for the often late submissions though.

Hello, Well, I'm STILL way behind responding to comments, so sorry about that. I thought things would improve last week, but... Any and all comments very much appreciated on this tenth submission. Chapter recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay Cheers, Robinski

Well, you've got me there... As noted, I will sweep the issue under the carpet for now.

Oh no! That's rubbish. Sorry to hear it.

Hey, Silk, thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yeah, I hope I've addressed this through the various comments on this chapter. I have upped her corporate personality slightly, and hope the anger comes through as much as the self-pity. Plus, there are fewer words, which I trust adds to make it improved in these areas. Yup, there's some handwavium going on here, relying on the reader belief that M is pulling various strings. I have introduced a mayoral edict to Sh'f. Kotk to allow Gen latitude. I hope it's implied that the mayor of YK didn't do that without some encouragement from on high somewhere. Err, okay. I have tweaked E's mindset a but, in that she thinks she can retrieve her situation, rescue T and her career. Another part of my response might well be Lehman Brothers, Goldman Sachs, etc. Noted. I hear you. That would have meant a huge slug of E and M POV and a massive gap to QM POVs. I'll need to think on this as the reaction seems to be mixed. I've included a bit at the start of this chapter where E does more the challenge M on why she was not informed. Also, there is more evidence of higher level interference with what might be called the news flow. The answer to this now is that it ties in with the alibi he's constructed for himself Nah, it was just supposed to sound funny. Oh and @Silk, can I ask you abbreviate s-y-r-e-n, please, in your original post? Thank you Because the story takes place in the North American Fed, I'm assuming the US system has been applied to Canada in this future. I'm hoping the level of police activity is better explained now with some additions. Basically, there has been some political interference. I think I've cleaned up some of these loose ends thanks to all the various. Mor always had informed the sheriff, as Ktk tells E. One of the issues, I think, is that the reader knows so clearly that Mor did it, but E doesn't. I've added a line where M confirms to E that he's informed Ktk that T is missing. Apparently so... I think it's a UK/CAN thing. We call a zipper a zip. I agree. That would help make the eventual shift to E realizing that Mor's actually involved in all this. I think this is clearer now. Yep. Might help with the "wait why are they bringing her to a crime scene?!" reaction I had too. Right, there's more certainty here now. They are definitely animals, and no humans corpses. That was the case before, it just wasn't clear, I think. Hurrah! Well, E is an important character. GC in Book 1 got a fair amount of POV, but he clearly was the antagonist, so I guess that felt different. I'm hoping that WRS is playing a part in this, but I guess only a complete alpha read will get to the bottom of it. Thanks so much for reading, Silk. I'm exhausted now! Responding can be hard work

I would like to submit on Monday too, please.

Oh, so it's my fault now? Kidding, kidding!! I have a hard time remembering I'm critiquing a kids' book, I must admit. I like the level of threat, I think maybe it's just a case of drawing it into focus a bit more near the end? I like the word 'peril' rather than danger. I can see that danger might be problematic. I like the poison ivy, but I have basically no experience of it, so you guys will know best how plausible all this is.

Hey ID, thank you for reading Okay, I'll take that under advisement. I've cut 5% out of this chapter, and we do go back to the dynamic duo in the next chapter. I'm hoping there's enough to pull the reader through this chapter to the next one. The reaction here seems mixed. Not sure about E being credulous, it is right near the start of her world being upturned after all. The reader does need to believe in M's self-control. I'm hoping some of Q's background on him added to earlier chapters will make that easier to believe. I've made some changes with the aim of softening that a bit, leaving a couple of morsels of her corp-btch persona. I'm trying to make it just a bit less wallow-y, while retaining the general principle. I'm glad there's something to bring you back into the chapter. Note what you say about villain. I do need a villain, but there's been quite a lot of chat about him being played up to be sooo bad. Perhaps I will need to adjust that. Will see as things develop, I hope. That's fair enough. As I say, I have trimmed this down. I do want some travel to build the tension for the 'reveal'. Hopefully there is less to skim now Hmm, yeah, okay. I accept there is a lighter vibe to their sections, and I think it just comes from their dynamic, of course. E is the one with the immediate problem. It is quite a bit darker, but I think that helps the contrast between the sections. I hope it highlights that Q/and/M are heading for a dark place. Really appreciate your comments, as always, thanks so much for reading. Lots to think about!!

Not very, and in BC and AB at least (where I have some knowledge) they seem to be good at getting right on it and repairing them.