Robinski

Hey Mandamon, thank you so much for reading. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to the responses on this chapter. Yay! Cool. After Mr. Fox's comments on the last chapter, it's likely that the raptors will get a little more to do in the previous couple of subs since their appearance. Yeah. I think I meant to expand this and then moved on too soon. I've fleshed out a little and she gets to snap at Kr for calling her 'kid'. Oops. Ta. Check. It's still distant, for now... Terra and then fauna: expanded. Yah, it's inconsistent, I guess. I was going for stress on the syllables. True, too excited myself when writing!! Subbed the first instance with 'cut'. Right. Switched 'released' for 'abandoned'. Essentially, yes. M must be an aspiring author, or maybe it's from her English Lit course. Cool. You ask fair point, and this is a new addition that popped into my head on editing. I guess the answer might be to avoid detection, although that doesn't really address the issues of the monitoring on the waste pipe. I could say glibly that they are making this up as they go alone, but that's not entirely satisfactory. I think that might have to do. They have really discussed the physical practicalities of it. I will think on this, but I think the pipe will be unmonitored. True: edited. Yay!! Changed it back to 'increasing', which I think is how I ended up with an 'an'. <--- poker face Yeah, too much of a jump. She meant makes sense DM would go there. Fixed. I was aiming to play on confusion, but maybe that's not a good idea here. Strictly speaking, only one set of SWAT-types are soldiers (the National Guard), then there are FBI and DM's black ops team washing around, In theory, soldiers should be enough of a descriptor, but if it's causing confusion, I will review. There are two sets of clear doors between then at first. They come through the first pair, but can't open the second. D's talking to Q et al. I have tweaked to clarify. They are, clarified now. Q does not raise his hands, which hopefully dispels the impression they've been captured. If the second set of doors had opened, perhaps they would have been. Yes, blocking off, thank for flagging. Hopefully clearer now. Really glad you enjoyed it!!

Hey SSmooth, thank you so much for diving back in, much appreciated, and very pleased that this chapter worked for you. This said, I think there is enough dissatisfaction that it's worth me dialling up a couple of aspects in relation to the raptors and the checkpoint, to inject more tension. I really think I can do that without breaking it, or bloating it. Check. I think it's the UK expression 'rid of' that's causing the misstep? It's used in the sense of 'to get rid of', but us an abbreviation, obvs. I've tagged it. Clearer now, I think. He's reading out the name of the file. My it's clumsy, and unnecessary. Cool Well, with reference to Mr. Fox's observations (above) and suggestion, it's very likely that the raptor's role, or at least profile, will be enhanced. Ah, well. Not for everyone, I suppose. It's the Fantastic Four, upon whose daring exploits in the MCU (Marvel Comic-book Universe) I was brought up on. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic); Sue Richards (neé Storm - the Invisible Girl); Johnny Storm (The Human Torch); and Ben Grimm aka The Thing. Awesome! Double Awesome!! Thank you so much for reading, and the encouraging comments

Hey Mr. Fox, thank you so much for reading. I'm super glad you think I'm improving. That's great to hear. Noted. I'll go through all your comments first before responding. Good point, well made (and accepted). Yes, accepted. See below. This was 50% timing issue and 50% the fact that they have been through checkpoints on two separate occasions in the story. THIS SAID, you are right that there is scope to make a moment of high conflict out of this situation. I'm not going to knee-jerk straight into a rewrite now, as I really want to get to the end of this edit, but will put a big flag on these issues. [Chapter 1A needs more Q internal dialogue/pressure/tension; something going wrong with the raptors (dial them up?); and the worst (verging on disaster) checkpoint moment in the history of fiction.] I've been battling with a tendency for travel to drag the pace down. I think I've done a certain amount to address that, not least by cutting 10K words in this draft so far, although I accept there is more to do. So, I've been work towards paring down and sharpening, but I accept what you're saying about conflict. Part of the issue, I'm convinced, is that Q's internal voice / emotions nee to be bolstered, and that will help with this chapter, but also, I was conscious of not slowing them down at the checkpoint too much. Having said this, the idea of the raptors causing mischief did enter my head, but I thought I could carry the chapter based on the tension. Maybe I could have if Q's voice had been stronger, but I think I will do as you suggest and have something go wrong. I will flag that here and save for the next edit (probably), as time is short and I have another project in the offing. As always, I appreciate your candour, sir, and doff my chapeau to your ability to keep me focused on the important things <R>

Ooft, good luck, and completely understand! My son-in-law was going to be flying back to Montana for his grandfather's memorial, but the flight ban (although not applying to the UK), has resulted in the event being postponed. Also, my mother-in-law was due to flying the Scotland for a spell, but had already cancelled on advice of GP in view of her age and medical history.

Hey Liz, thanks so much for reading. Stay safe. Excellent comment. I'm underlining that for the next full edit as, likely, it's something that runs through many more chapters. I've cur some of the enumerating in this one, which hopefully reads better. Right. Thanks for identifying them below. I've modified them all. Thank you Okay, noted. I would say, in the context of the first idiom, south is down. That still makes it tautology, of course, so I will address this. Edited. Tweaked. Good call. Thanks. Tweaked. Comma oops, thanks. Visual included. True. Edited. That was sort of the point. Q's full of worry, stress, pressure of what to do, and D is talking about the weather. I appreciate this did not land for you! I'll think on it. Good point. I've inserted a feel from Q. I've tweaked this part a little. I can see how the quick-fire responses might be awkward. I was trying something a little different and perhaps it has not come off. Yeah, this is edited since I posted it, thanks for catching. Ah, well, you should see some of the roadside pubs in Middle England (as opposed my home of Scotland), but your point is well made. I have de-purpled this some. Fair point. I've edited up with a couple of details that hopefully clarify. Tweaked slightly, but I think I'll need to come back to this again in the next full edit. Edited now. This was a popular issue! Thanks s much for the comments, LB, much appreciated

Yes, that is what I was clumsily alluding to.

Oh, and I meant to say, REVEALS!!!!! Two big ones in this chapter.

Hi folks, Here is Chapter 28 of TCC. After this one, there are three more chapters and an epilog; only 39 more pages!! Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game. Also, an apology: my life has bene so crazy in the last several weeks that I am behind on reply to critiques, and I am very sorry about that. I will get to them in the next couple of days, I hope. Furthermore: I've stopped appending the chapter summaries, as I'm not sure they're serving much purpose, and if any new readers are piling on that this point, my apologies, but I think there's too much to really usefully summarise, and a reactive critique to style, clarity of expression, etc. would be just as useful to me, if you inclined to critique anyway. But NO PRESSURE! Never any pressure. Best, Robinski p.s. So sorry this is so late in the week!

I really think character needs to be branded on the first page, in the first couple of lines, a snapshot of it, and flag, a tell-tale that sets reader expectation from the earliest point. A breadcrumb, that gives the reader enough character to want to follow to the next breadcrumb as the character expands into the story (or the story expands into the character, or both, I guess.)

I like the idea, I guess using a word that already has a specific application that is similar, but not the same, as their modified usage might be the nub of my issue. I wonder if there is another word, that is either further away from original application, or maybe even closer to the original application. Suggestions: 'thou' - maybe a bit 'on the nose', although you did say they consider the D to be gods, and it might stand out quite well when the rest of the dialogue around it less formal, e.g. "Perhaps I could show thou to thy room, and we could speak after thou have breakfasted."; modify 'one' - so, like "Perhaps I could show holy one to holy one's room, and we could speak after holy one has breakfasted." - although that is quite unwieldy; a new word - but similar in brevity, and even spelling, e.g. "Perhaps I could show ont to ont's room, and we could speak after ont has breakfasted." use an 'alien' word - one that doesn't fit in English, bit maybe fits in a world context, e.g. Spanish for 'you' is 'tú' "Perhaps I could show tú to tú's room, and we could speak after tú have breakfasted." Just some random ideas. I hope something here helps in some way!

Never done it. Not my cup of tea. Allegedly, it has certain associations that I'm not comfortable with.

I'd like to submit next week please, although I have a lot to do to get there!

Hey Liz, Glad to be reading another of your subs after the last one, which I did enjoy. (page 1) - I like the title! It's intriguing, has a whiff of rural adventure about it. - "saw the deathless approaching the Villa" - Ha, capitalisation. My favourite subject. I tripped over deathless. Maybe it's just me, but I think the issue with using an adjective as a name/title is that part of the brain is waiting for the noun to drop. Mine certainly was here. Could deathless be capitalised to make its status 100% clear? Then... Why is villa capitalised? It's just a house, surely? Is it the only Villa in the village? I just don't see the rationale for capitalising villa when deathless seems to be the key word in this opening sentence. - "roofs of the small village" - I feel like 'small' is redundant. Villages are what they are, and I don't think adding small bring anything extra to the description, just the word count. Unless it's a hamlet, of course. - "only hotel in town" - Wait, now it's a town? I know North Americans tend to use this to mean 'urban area', but when something has just been described as a small village, this phrase fights against my quite tenuous initial impression of the place. - "towards the town" - Okay, this is definitely redefining the small village as a town, surely. (Sorry, I'm in super line-by-line mode this evening.) - Where is the foot of the hotel? - "the golden seal on the door of his car as it closed itself" - To me, this sounds like there's something missing, like the seal is on ly visible when the door is closing. Something off. (page 2) - "Finally, splitting the difference," - I think another common is needed, otherwise it sounds like it's taken him a long time to figure out how to split the difference. Also, what is he trying (or deciding) to split the difference between? - "a hand almost extended" - I'd say partly extended, because 'extended' is not easily defined. When does extension reach its limit? For a handshake, I guess it would depend on relative height and distance between the individuals. - "He walked toward the door" - He can only yank it open once he gets to the door, so I feel like 'to the door' would be more accurate. - "much to the confounding of the cloakroom attendant" - over elaborate, I think, and therefore become grammatically 'muddy'. I'm not at all a fan of verbs as nouns. Have I apologies for the persnickety recently? I'm enjoying the opening and keen to see what emerges in the the way of threat and stakes, but these sorts of details always stick out for me like a fistful of sore thumbs. - "P noticed that his face looked slightly green" - When we're in P's POV (which I think we are?) I don't think there any need to say 'P noticed' because that's self-evident. - "more than 300 years ago" - personal preference, but I think it caries some logical weight. I think numerals work okay in SF, but in fantasy and it's various branches (which I think is where we are), numerals 'clang' for me, and look out of place. Also, I found it stranger that P was only thinking about the guy's names now, when he's been hanging around waiting for the chap for some time. Surely, if you're waiting for someone for twenty minutes (say), you'd logically recall the name of the person you were waiting to meet, long before the moment that he actually arrives? In my profession capacity, I go to loads of meetings. Okay, not the same thing, but I would never go to a meeting without knowing the names of the people I'm meeting. Apart from being rude, knowledge is power, as the popular aphorism goes. - "for some major plague" - are there minor plagues? - "And so what accommodations does one have here(2)?” the man said as he took off (1) at a brisk pace down the hall" - Peculiar. (1) Why ask a question then not wait to hear the answer? Also, (2) this chap's grammar is not great. Now, in dialogue, that's fine, but he's been set up--I feel--as a scientist and groundbreaking thinker (cured the common cold!!), so I feel his grammar would be good. His name suggests that English would be his first language. - "P had to nearly run to keep up" - I received good writing advice from a natty little podcast called Death By a 1,000 Cuts to use clear and unequivocal language. Another excellent nugget was "Don't write what characters are not doing." If he's not running, then I would avoid using the word. He can hurry, or hustle, or rush, without running. - "the council thought one might want first" - ??? What? I'm pretty sure this is not the correct usage of 'one' in this form. It's used, I believe, by someone referring to what a nonspecific person might do, or think, in a given situation. But, P is most definitely referring to the new arrival here, so I don't think this form works. Having said that, P is free to use whatever 'bad' grammar he likes in dialogue, but I feel it's kind of distracting. - "one has travelled a long way" - is he going to do this the whole way through the story? I'll be totally honest, I would put a book down that carried this all the way through. (page 3) Okay, I'll stop mentioning line-by-line stuff, and just say that I think there is quite a bit of tidying up required to ease the flow / enable immersion in the story. I guess it's an early edit? I'll say no more and concentrate on story matters. - "Certainly, the morning will provide a more objective view" - Why would it? Confused. - "Amazing that one can still get carsick" - Closer, but I think still no. This is just from a straight goggle, without reverting to W1k1, as I usually would. Both P and the D have use the pronoun to refer specially to the speaker, but on no occasion as representing people in general, very much always presenting himself. 3. used to refer to the speaker, or any person, as representing people in general. "one must admire him for his willingness" - "It’s really too bad that the forest can’t be relocated to somewhere more convenient" - Okay, this guy is an arse. I don't like him. That's okay, but the real problem is that I feel nothing for P. I've been given no reason to invest any emotional attachment to P. He reads like an NPC, but he seems to be the main character. After two pages, I want to be gripped by the teasing, mysterious challenge before the characters, but I have no idea what that is. In the absence of plot, the characters being engaging could carry me through the first two pages, but really, I've got very little to engage with. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I expect more from this after reading your first sub, which I enjoyed a good deal. I think these first two pages (and the characters) need to do a lot more work to engage the reader. - "given that tourist permits had been much reduced in the last century" - Nobody, but nobody, has a tourism strategy that spans centuries. (page 4) - "the usual flawless blue of fall in the holy city" - it was a small village, then a town, now it's the holy city? I'm beginning to think I'm the one who's missing something here. - "I never had time for breakfast" - I think this is the first time he's referred to himself (correctly, IMO) as 'I'. (page 5) - "A fox, running in the open in broad daylight" - This comes WAY too late in the story, I think. I feel that I'm already disengaged due to not embracing either of the characters on screen so that, when something interesting and plateful happens, it's too late. - "sea of animals" ... "we do see it every day" - This makes no sense to me. If the forest is on fire, surely the animals would continuously, not wait till the morning commute to flee for 2 minutes then wait until tomorrow before another fleeing slot came around. I feel that I must be reading this wrong, but it feels kind of weird, cartoonish almost. - "This fire, it’s been raging for so long, the animals have begun to flee" - Wouldn't the animals being to flee in the early days, as soon as the fire reached wherever they were? And the number of foxes, it sounded like there were hundreds of them! I don't believe foxes lie in such dense numbers that that would be a likely scenario. - "all the time in the world, but the forest did not" - I have soooooo many questions that I need to be answered. Is anyone fighting the fire? is the fire encroaching on the settlement (village / town city / holy city)? is it only foxes that are fleeing? What about all the other animals? Confused. - "As one born in the sacred city, caring for the city and the visitors, and especially visiting deathless, was his job" - Not sure I understand why this makes it P's job. - "No one could leave, it wasn’t allowed" - Eh? Why? What? (page 6) - "the moss they guarded" - I think this needs to be mentioned much earlier in the story. It seems pretty fundamental to the reason for everything that's going on (with the humans at least). - This page is pretty much all exposition, and sits in a big clump here, past the halfway mark of the story. I really think we need to know the constraints that the story is operating in much closer to the beginning. Also, I think there is two much exposition of detail here for a short story of this length. This reads more like novel-length (or novella anyway) levels of world-building, IMO. - "loved being a guardian" - Here's his motivation, but it's way down on page 6, needs to be on page 1, IMO. (page 7) - "patrols of the wall" - There's a wall? Around the forest? - "master plan" - one word. - "drawn up by SF" - I suggest don't mention names of people who are not in the story, they're not relevant. (page 8) - "never asked about the 6 men" - small numbers would be words. - "finally reached the top of the ancient stone tower" - I don't believe it was said where they were going, so this disoriented me. - "northern wall to the eastern wall on the other" - other what? - If there is a wall around the forest, how to the animals (foxes) get out? Is the town always inside the wall? How do they control saboteurs getting into the town? - Miles of miles of trees have already burned, by the sound of it, so where did the animals come from that ran through the town yesterday? - "pushed down by a bulldozer" - this is a kind of limp phrase, not very evocative of the violent destruction of the forest, at least in the simile. - "if you had just come last night" - with the best will in the world, I don't think there is any way so much forest could be destroyed in such a short time. As far, further, than the eye can see? If the D had come last night, it could have made no earthly difference to this level of destruction, surely? - "that could be done today" - 'can' (page 9) - "SF**" - ?? - "but all of them more or less failed to capture his horror" - grammar / kind of cluttered. I think: 'but none of them captured his horror'. - "wrinkled with sunspots" - These are different things, surely? (page 10) - "I didn’t feel it in here" - where? - "Our elevatedness kept us apart" - elevation, surely! - "too much sense of self-preservation for that" - "had sat in down" - typo, him. - The ending is very sudden. Not especially keen on the last line, which is very downbeat, and the last speech is rather preachy, I thought. Overall I've got to say that nothing really grabbed me in this story. It felt quite routine, stranger-in-town, kind of fare, and the characters I thought were rather one-note. I felt like I went from one confusion to another: the size of the settlement that kept changing; the consistent incorrect use of the pronoun 'one'; the illogical and almost comical behaviour of the animals (foxes specifically, and only foxes, nothing else). I've tagged all my issues above, and I won't recap them here, but there were a lot of issues with the story for me, I'm afraid. A lot of the logistical details about animal fleeing, rate of burn and clearance, etc. did not make sense. Did you do any research into forest fires spread and such like? I know a little about it, my wife coming from BC in Canada, and my son-in-law Montana. I've watched my wife track fires in the past (mother-in-law still lives in Creston), and I found that aspect--which seems central to buy-in of the reader--unconvincing. I thought there were some quite significant structural issues. We only learn what the story is about after the halfway mark which, for a short, I think is a massive issue. We need set up and stakes in the first earliest pages in order to be invested in what is happening. I never really felt that investment. Sorry not to be more positive. A good rewrite or two would fix a lot of the issues that I had, but as a theme or a message, I think the story needs to work a fair bit harder to hit the right notes to have weight as a commentary on the perils of immortality. Thanks for sharing! I hope this is of some use.

Lol, welcome @killersquid

This all sounds splendid!

Comments. (page 1) - First paragraph: I thought the last three sentences were quite unconnected and didn't flow together particularly well. - Second paragraph: I had to read the last sentence several times to get the meaning. - "had passed very few beings in her wanderings" - But she's just described all her contacts and these expanding to whole city blocks. This seems contradictory. - "why they were still concentrated in the Imp" - I think I'm confusing the Imp and High Imp. When I read this line first time I thought it was contradicting the earlier statement about fewer El being around. (page 3) - "Had she forgotten that...?" - Demonstrably she had forgotten that, because she had to be reminded. (page 4) - "What had been the deciding factor" - Well, she attacked one, surely? That seemed pretty obvious. (page 5) - "adjusted her mass to compensate" - The game is well and truly up, why does she not just change form completely, like into a bird or some such? What is the point of remaining like in El, even an enhanced one? - "momentum upward was the only thing that kept her going" - Umm, this seems really obvious. (page 6) - "That was why how she saw the tiny speck" - More logical, I think. (page 8) - "What did they mean now? Danger?" - I think it's clearly an alarm, and they established that before. I would not think he would question whether it was danger or not, but what kind of danger the alarm was now warning of. - "There is something coming" - I thought everyone had accepted this already. Or, is this something else coming in addition to the Dis? - "barely heard x words. He trudged across the city" - There is a hard time skip between these sentences. he's standing with the others, then he's elsewhere in the city. Really disorienting. - "wondered if they had some sort of tram line" - he must know this by now, surely? (page 9) - "instance and his boyfriend were still missing" - I feel like the stakes here are an issue. The end of the world is coming, but In is only concerned about S and En. I get that, but I think the story should be concentred on the main stakes. I think it's why I'm more compelled by the other POVs, because they are centred on the main issue. The personal relationship stuff is good, but that too should still be about the end of the world, I feel. (page 10) - "holding tight to S" - I've generally been skipping over phrasing and other mechanics, but this did make me stop. I think this phrasing implies that S is in control, and she is holding on, however surely it's the other way around, since she was flying. 'holding S tight' I think would permit the correct interpretation, that she is in control, because she's flying. - "kissing him across his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, running fingers through his long hair" - This is awfully elaborate for an intense, visceral reunion. This has more of the tone of relaxed lovemaking, IMO. I think a full-on, impassioned, intense kiss would have more emotional impact in this situation. - "“Thank you,” he said." - I thought this was In because we are in his POV: took me two goes to realise it was S. (page 11) - "shook her head in agreement" - This struck me as opposite. Would she not nod in agreement? - "his boyfriend’s shoulder" - We know this already, and it's been mentioned several times. I feel it's kind of redundant by now. (page 14) - "Think we can all try to fit?" - The last line, for me, is too vague and uncertain. I know S is a nervous individual, but a snappier line can still fit that bill, I think. As simple probably as just dropping 'try to'. Overall I liked this submission. I thought it had a good balance of drama, discovery, and decision. I'd have been happy with it as a chapter. I'm not a big fan of long chapters. I have this lingering difficulty about the circular progress of the plot, which I've mentioned before, in that the three are now back in the neighbouring facet having again been thwarted and trying again to do something that they've tried twice already. It still feels repetitive to me, and it feels like a loooong time since we've had any other POV that has a different dynamic in order to relive the feeling of repetition. I do like the dynamic between the three, and the fact that things are happening to all three individually (the dia, En's transforming and S's abilities). Thanks for sharing!

Oops, that would be @Mandamon. @Mandamelon, please disregard!

Hi everyone, Sorry about skipping a week. I hope the WRS is not too much of a factor. There are four chapters and an epilogue remaining. The end is in sight! There will be some fairly heavy rewriting of the remaining chapters, as a couple of quite major plot points have changed. I'll also be seeking to cut them down a bit, so hopefully the end will whip through over the next few weeks! Special note for some very choice language from you-know-who. Many thanks for any comments that you may have Best, Robinski

Hi, YB I always wondered about that too, and was surprised that it didn't happen more on here. Some folks have in the past shared prompt writings on the WE site, in the chat on each of the episode pages, but not all that much, I think. There is the Creators' Corner thread on this site, but I don't go over there much, personally. There doesn't seem to be a great deal of crossover between there and here, I think. There is also the Reading Excuses group next door to this thread, but again, there's very little crossover between that page and this one. Although, a lot of the people on RE came to it through the WE podcast. I must admit, after fourteen seasons of WE I've stopped doing the prompts. I'm just too busy writing (which is nice!). But, I'm always interested in discussing writing. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I would pitch in with comments on here, if that was useful, as I keep up to date with the podcasts.

I will definitely have the next chapter ready for Monday, so would like a slot, please

I'm still not done editing the chapter. I'll wait till next Monday.

Hey, Silk. Do you think maybe we should pin this thread? And by 'we', I mean you

Earlier in the book, and something I need to fold back into Book 1, is the notion of not referring to G*d, but to Diety as a generic reference designed to avoid potential offence to anyone at all. So, this is Oh my die**y, as opposed to OMG. Not to be confused with 80's British synth pop legends Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (also OMD, of course). Yeah. This is not working. It's to do with WK putting pedal to the metal to drive away from the checkpoint. I will reword. Check. Thanks. Check. Done! Great comments. Thanks so much for the encouragement

Many thanks for reading, Sarah B Excellent! So pleased. It's so important that M and Q's voices are completely different, and I really think I'm improving at marking that out in subtle ways. It's been a great learning experience this book, but does mean another rewrite of Book 1 once I get to the end of the trilogy. Check. I will try it that way. Movie would have been shorter, methinks. It's totally the name of the road. This is me being a dumb Brit. The signs say '43 Street' and G maps says 43 Street, whereas in NY (for example) G maps says 48th Street, but the street signs still say '48 Street'. I'm guessing in YK they mean 43rd Street but just miss out the ordinal on the sign. I have updated in the text, which clarifies this, I hope. Ooh. I had not considered that. Good call. Order changed. Great comments. Thanks so much!

Yay for this chapter, and thanks for reading ID, much appreciated. However, yes, I take your point, and see above in response to Mandamon about cutting into earlier travel some more. That's perfect. That's what I was aiming for. Maybe reaction will be mixed, but I think it can work on different levels. I think the latest chapter is so much better now. Thanks to all for all the excellent comments on the rewritten version and continuing to push me. Excellent. I wasn't sure if that was a lantern too far, so it's good to know it's serving a purpose for some. Heh. I still need to smooth over the whole generational through line in this book, but I think it's coming together on this the second edit. That's great! <does the Team Dinosaur dance> Super comments. Many thanks, ID.