Robinski

LOL, excellent! Well up for this. Chapter 15 (page 1) - "the tip of the procedural..." - This is an excellent phrase, but I really, really wanted it to be iceberg, because it's almost always the tip of the iceberg in this form, and my mind had already assumed iceberg, and was cheering, when I got to mountain. - "nearly one hundred thousand representatives" - Wait, what?!?!?! Where did all these come from? - "sometimes takes many months" - but this is the case with IRL politics, and there are nowhere nears that number of bodies involved. Delay is an function of the process too, not just the number of bodies involved. - Hang on, there is some tricksy POV shenanigans going on here, m'thinks. (page 3) - "Yet another person to locate" - But no, surely they have just reduced the numbers they need to locate. This don't make sense to me. - "missed you" - Awww! Emotions, excellent! - "Everyone ignored him" - (page 8) - "tutor both of you" - Nice moment here, of acceptance. I've always liked Car, but he shows real sensitivity here. It's a very satisfying moment. - "we are nearly flush with the new happenings" - I don't understand what he means. (page 9) - "glistening on his head" - Awesome moment. BOOM! That is some reveal. (page 10) - "captive by the S" - But not specifically the Sa, surely, but the LC? (page 11) - I like the thought that there needs to be a discussion between Ri and Man, BUT, I don't see that Ri has any right to expect to lead anything. Surely, Man is her superior, without question? (page 14) - "who had accompanied him, all of them standing on the desolate plain" - Well, more than one is dead, are they not? And all the ones that are here are standing on the plain. There's something off in this wording, I feel. - "I suspect we may have enough to mount a successful attack" - This seems like presumption to me. It feels premature, before the information has been examined. (page 19) - I'm confused as to why Man talks about building the Soc, but says nothing about rebuilding the Council, when he, effectively and practically, is the head of the Council. Surely that is his primary responsibility. I does not seem in character to me that he only talks about the SoTH. Surely he is not suggesting that he SoTH replaces the Council?! (page 20) - "when not on it" - I know he was away from the Imp, but he was still on the Council, surely? (page 22) - "It was validation, for his work and for his life" - I'm not keen on this. His work, fine, but not validation of his life, surely? His life would be plenty validated by all that he has done, regardless of him being a member of SoTH or not. I'd be more comfortable with this being 'validation of his life's work'. But not his entire actual existence. - "sustained kiss" - Aw, this is a big satisfying moment for all us Ori fans, the whole thing: the invitation, Ri's reaction. Very rewarding. (page 23) - I'm not greatly fond of the closing words. I see how it works as the end of a chapter, and I'm pleased with this as a chapter, but I'm not sure if the ending is quite as satisfying as much of the rest of it. I'm not saying rip it up, but I think maybe it needs tweaked in the landing. Chapter 16 (page 24) - Page numbers may get a little squiffy from now on. The second chapter came up in a weird font and I found it hard to read when not in Times New Roman, so, I changed it. - "but people of all species" - But maji are not a species. (page 25) - There is more than one mention of 'the group', but it's unclear what group is being referred to as there are more than one group represented here. (page 26) - "I do love you" - I am enjoying the openness between them, and it feels real and reasonable, given the situation, and her thought about how many have been lost. I just wonder if we need a seed of it in her last POV? - "And here, no one has helped" - I really like the way his concern for his charge is played out here. nicely done. (page 28) - "Z and P were planning" - I don't know who these are. Maybe I did once, but no way am I going to remember after... how may pages? "They were the leaders of the remaining A" - Where? When? This doesn't help enough, I'm afraid. "They could be anywhere" - Nope, I'm still all at sea. This was in the Imp, I take it, since there is reference to the Eff being killed, but I can't place these two at all. - "Could one of them be here now?" - For me, this comes out of nowhere. We've been through fifteen chapters now, and I'm convinced there has been no reference to these characters in that time. Also, this feels like a completely new threat and a new plot thread. Neither of these people are with Re, I think, over in his POV? So, who are they, what is their agenda, what are they doing, and why are they brought up now? I'm not feeling this at all. It's not been discussed before in any of In and En's scenes, has it? Certainly not in discussion with S. Arrgh. I'm thrown by this. What does this have to do with the El? - "It is possible the assassins also have R" - But I still don't identify with those names. There's Na??-something. (page 29) - "in a rare display of empathy" - Huh? This is the opposite of empathy, surely? I took it to mean empathy for Ke, who is the one that is hurting. Then Ri shoes empathy for Ke, by almost going to him. What Ori shows, IMO, is not empathy, but more like prescience. "speaking to him later" - okay, that is empathy, but it's too for from the reference to it, IMO, which is associated with him holding her back. (page 30) - "There it was again" - 'it' here is vague, IMO. - "And the El" - Seems to me that he El is the most pressing and important thing, and that the other species are secondary, although still interesting. Just not a pressing, urgent and life-threatening. (page 31) - "When I became an El" - BOOM! Great reveal, but I still think it's more likely they would discuss this first. I know it render the discussion about the other facet's species less impactful, but I feel it makes sense. (page 36) - "There are things that need to be said between us" - ooh, a secret enclave: what a great way to finish the chapter. I am all ears. Overall Yes, good chapter. I enjoyed that. I thought it brought things together rather well. Some nice character moments along the way, and some tense / satisfying reveals. No overriding gripes. I think it brings the tension well at the end by revealing the existence of the other being and forming a (potential) link to the THM. I am keen to keep reading. Some LBLs sent by email.

Excellent.

Cool. I see a lilac, in fact two, I think, on the lefthand side. Ours is out too in our front garden. Smaller than those though.

That's great! Good job. I love gardening. I'm in our garden all the time at the moment because out weather is so good. I've really got hooked on growing vegetables the last few years, which is a lot of work, but sooo satisfying. Our cherry tree has gone over now, but this is it from a week ago. And you love dragons? We've got five in our garden (see cheeky wee face in bottom lefthand corner ). And a better one of the dragon, with the clematis, from last year.

That's from the Bruce Willis movie, right?

That looks like a classy pizza right there. The base looks really crispy. Kudos, @shatteredsmooth and spouse!

Thanks for bringing this up, @Mandamon. I've always shied away from it because it sounded complicated to me, but my plots tend to become (over)complicated all by themselves (oh, sure, you've got nothing to do with it, Robinski). I think I will try this out in the second novella that I'm going to be writing in June (I suspect). I don't think it needs to be dull. I think you could keep it, cut it hard, and generate a stronger feeling of suspense and tension, through Ir getting paranoid about being followed, or things happening to torment her, almost as if some imaginary 'sprite' of bad luck were tracking her movements and confounding her attempts to help Car ./ her family, etc. Or, if the chapter does go, I hope there is a place in Chp.3 (if that's where refugees will go) for the scene with Gol. There are some very nice emotional notes in that scene, and I feel like it follows on well in the plot, because people in noir films always go to a friend and throw out their wild theory, which the friend scoffs at or tries to talk them down.

p.s. I would recommend against another POV here. I just think you need slightly stronger hints at her being followed, or her footsteps being dogged.

Ahem. So, here's me cheating again The interview in the shop: it’s six pages long and packed with information that we already know. It’s far too slow. There is no more than a page there of thoughts that are fresh or even relevant to the situation. I think that scene has to be cut severely. [Unreleased material!!] So, I did not get that the jobs were being 'removed' from her. I honestly thought that it was a sign of the hard economic times post invasion that the job market was cutthroat enough for someone else to take the opportunities. One thing that occurs to me would be to have the old lady (I don't think you should lose the interview, just cut it right down, losing the duplicated information) could definitely give her the job. 'Yes, business is good and I really need the help, please start tomorrow. Then she goes tomorrow and she knows she definitely has a job, and the business is gone. It's much more unexpected. And then she sees someone watching the shop, and it's the same creature she thinks she maybe noticed at one of the other places? In other words hang a bit more of a lantern on the fact she is being watched, without coming out a saying it, or necessary having Ir realise it until the next day, or until she goes to the palace, or whatever. “There had to be an answer out there, somewhere” – I didn’t get a real sense that she was trying to solve everyone’s problems, but only searching for a job for herself. OVERALL: I thought the opening was slow, and I quickly got frustrated by how quickly Ir got frustrated. The problem however was that the narrative held back that she had been searching for four days. Tweak suggested to move that forward. Almost all the detail in the interview feels like it’s repeated from earlier scenes. Even if it’s not, it’s way too much background detail. This whole scene feels like a darling, but it has pretty much no relevance. I like the scene with Gol, and the one with her father, although it was rather twee in places, for my taste. We only get to the important part of the chapter—the part the progresses the plot—right near the end, which she is instructed to attend the palace. This is good stuff, but I just think the chapter is too slow before we get to that part.

Hey, JW, interested to read your story. We are not getting many short pieces at the moment. (page 1) - First things that pops straight away is formatting. If you are going to sub this for publication is has to be formatted correctly. The publishers all have their own little foibles, but there are requirements for first page. I tend to send folks to https://www.shunn.net/format/ - First paragraph: I'm willing to suspend my disbelief that she could have been in a battle and not know she was pregnant. A colleague of mine got a call at work to say his girlfriend had given birth, and he had not known she was pregnant. Neither had she, she thought she was putting on weight. They talk about seeing people go white as a sheet, but I've seen it. It's weird. So, skipping past that, the thing that puts me on edge is the voice. There are some nice touches, like wrapping the infant in a banner: I liked that, BUT... - You were asking in your email about why it might not have gained traction in a short competition run by a local library? I think the answer is right there in your first chapter. I presume that the competition was not a genre competition, but open to all entries? That being the case, but even if it is not, and it was a SFF competition (or judged in separate categories), that character voice in your first chapter is not engaging, IMO. It's quite distancing because of his negative it is to the infant. And that is all summed up in the phrase 'sh1ting out', which is pretty nasty. Maybe it goes to character, and that's fine, but I don't think you're going to win any library compassion with a character like that. - Who was going the judging, the librarians? If so, see above. - "fugue" - Way, way too strong a word, IMO. She's a bit distracted. Fugue has a medial definition, I think. - I was at my daughters birth, my only experience of childbirth other than watching TV, etc. But, it feels to me like the story is selling short how tired L would be afterwards. Not to mention the potential for medical complications. What about the placenta? That needs to be passed, and the umbilical cord cut. It sounds as if she has done that, but if she didn't know what to do, how did she know to do that? My disbelief in relation to her being able to fight her way off the battlefield immediately after giving birth is stretch pretty thin. (page 2) - "deserved that much" - I see no evidence that she deserves anything. I'm not rooting for her as a character. - I think that's too heavy for a claymore, for a little bit of research online. - "Her legs felt like they were hewn from rock" - I'd have thought more like jello, no strength, weakened from the effort of childbirth. - She's not very imaginative. I can think of way more than two options, unless she has already thought of and dismissed several more. (page 3) - Magic: Hmm, interesting idea. The phrasing of the bargain is rather odd. She's trying to save her own life and the child's, and yet she seems to have just promised to give up her life come sunset. Why would she do that if she is fighting to survive? Or, I have misunderstood the bargain she offered. - Doesn't sound to me that she didn't have time to draw, rather that she was unable to draw it because of the contractions. - I'm confused between the references to luck and mercy. God had doled out luck today, and therefore was out of mercy? Seems confused. - I don't know what "Well" is supposed to imply or convey. I don't know what her emotion is here. - "Four men emerged from the silver murk" - I have no real sense of blocking. I know she went up a slope, but I don't know what her surroundings are now. I think it's a bare hillside, but I'm not sure. If so, men emerging from the mirk, she would hear them coming long before she saw them, surely? - "They stopped when they saw her" - Kind of underwhelmed by the language in place, and here is an example. They 'stopped', compared to, say 'They pulled up, startled at the sight of her.' I just feel the narrative could convey more emotion, tension, conflict, etc. (page 4) - "last of the bargains" and "forever lost to her" - I'm not clear yet on how the magic works. is it a three wishes and you're out kind of deal? I don't know yet. I'd prefer to know more if she is going to use magic to solve her problem, but it sounds maybe as if she is not. - Some of the language / grammar is off, but I'm not doing lie-by-line stuff here. - I don't think the spear was 'warbling'. Typo, I think. - "the head it was plastered onto sailed free of its neck" - took me three reads of this line to get the meaning. - "gravity had acquired a particular fondness for her arms" - rather tortured metaphor, IMO. - If they are running uphill, and she is above them, their spears can't be pointed level, which equates to horizontal. - "They weren’t much older..." - This whole sentence is rather wordy, and feels like it's dragging the point, to me. (page 5) - "green behind the ears" - Is this intentionally wrong on her part? The phrase is 'wet behind the ears' when used in reference to new recruits. - "introduced her knee to his face" - LOL. - "lost to the cold shroud" - don't know what this means. (page 6) - Minor observation, but since there is only one female in the scene, you can use her name less. I think it makes the narrative more engaging, and slicker, if you use 'she', and maybe only mention her name once or twice per page. We know it's L. The more you use her name, the more awkward it sounds/reads. - "Close enough to strike" - he's already struck, this is him trying to drive the blow home. I don't consider this to be striking, as such. (page 7) - "then vanished into the mists" - Eh? No, I don't believe this. This reads very like author intervention. Any kind of warrior would finish her off; slit her throat to ensure she is dead, but he leaves her still alive. I could put this down to him being a bad soldier, but we've already established that they were not callow youths, and had experience of the battlefield. I don't believe this. - "confused-looking daughter" - and infant less than an hour old is not capable of showing emotion. - "with a look of understanding" - This is very sudden, his change of motivation. I struggle to believe it. - "moss sprouting across her body" - Oh, wow. It really is going to end that way. I'm struggling with this. At the time she made this bargain, she basically traded her life--which was entirely viable at the time--for a few hours of life. What was the point of that? What was the point of her trying to escape if she knew she would die at sunset because of the bargain. At the time, she was not trying to save the child, because she progressed to feel nothing for her. - I'm pretty sure moss and lichen are different things. Not sure it's right to use both words here. (page 8) - "cavernous nostrils flared with a renewed scream" - Ooh, this is a really ugly image. Nostrils are not nice, and I don't want the story to finish on this when trying to create (I think) what is intended to be an uplifting moment, on some level. Overall It's a pretty decently written fight seen. It has some blips and ticks, and could be smoother in places. The thing is, it's still basically just a fight scene. It looks at the story that--despite the unlikable voice of the main character--the story might be going somewhere interesting, but there is then there are, what, 4 or 5 pages of a fight scene, which totally dominate the story. It's not a bad fight scene: I rather like some of the details, it was pretty entertaining, but it feels like it has nothing to day with the theme of the story. The ending: L is converted. It's not surprising, seems the likely outcome from the pretty much the first page. My biggest comment probably is that there are a number of aspects that did not really hand together or pay off for me: (1) the magic, it seems pretty much irrelevant to the story, a distraction; (2) the plot, fairly obvious. L is so harsh to and dismissive of the infant that it seems about the only place that the story can go; (3) the behaviour of the enemy, not convincing, IMO. They act to suit what the story needs them to do without any particular logic or reason to their actions, particularly the last one. Was it the Childs cry that distracted him? I didn't really get that, timing-wise, but he goes from trying to kill her to not finishing her when he should and then risking his life for a baby of the enemy? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Add to these issues (that I see, anyway), the fact that I don't think the language / grammar is yet smooth enough to be publishable and I think you are looking at a number of edits (two, three?) before it's read for submission. I hope this is helpful. Good luck if you choose to sub it.

It has to be the historical buildings. They are just everywhere in the centre, of course. Just turning a corner and there is Trajan's Column, or some substantial, sunken ruin of a hall or temple. The chapels and the squares, the Palatine Hill next to the Colosseum. And yes, the food. Last time we were there we found a restaurant near the Trevi Fountain called Il Chianti, which was fantastic. That trip we toured around Milan, Bologna, Rome and Venice by train for three weeks. We love Paris probably more than any European city we have visited to date. I think it's 6 or 7 times now. Berlin we've been once and that was amazing. Totally want to go back So, so hot though--it was May, I think. Been to Nice in the south of France a couple of times, and I've seen Bordeaux. Brussels was interesting. That was a one night stop on the way to Berlin. We toured around Andalusia in southern Spain. That was a great trip, visiting relatives. As a child my family visited Copenhagen, and stayed on a Danish farm. Seefeld in Austria for a weeks skiing, and I've toured through Switzerland by train in my youth. Canada a bunch of times, as my wife is from B.C. We drove across the country from Toronto to Vancouver one year: 3,500 miles in three weeks. In the US, Florida, Montana, Idaho, Washington state and Hawai'i for the 1991 total solar eclipse. That was an incredible trip. And Dublin was our most recent European trip. That's a place I would love to go back to, but it won't be the same without WorldCon!!

<shudder>

LOL. I myself am counting the days until Two for Tuesday. Even the obnoxious ones? I wasn't really thinking of the tourist. By all means let the demons eat the obnoxious ones. I just liked the line It's okay! This is actually one of the really valuable things about a group like this - seeing what lands differently for different people. Exactly this. Never feel bad about going against the majority.

Well, as a Glaswegian, given the choice between Edinburgh and Rome, I'd pick Rome, obviously, and I've been there twice already

Hi, Emi

Excellent! If you ever get to Scotland, you'll need to try Irn-Bru, our 'other national drink', and you can compare tasting notes with @Mandamon Hey look, Mandamon, the US importer is 'local'!!

Ahem, yes. I am completely convinced.

Yes, I thought so. You're welcome, as always

Same. I heard that damnation able Kajagoogoo song first, and there was no way I was watching it after that.

Wow! So, because I love collecting stuff (stamps; concert tickets; vinyl/music; DVDs; football (soccer) cards; Scalextric cars; beer bottle caps; coins; etc.), what would be the top end for My Little Pony, @kais? On Ebay, I seem to be looking at heading towards $500 for single rare examples. I realise it's not a fair comparison, but what the hey. I'm seeing Breyers up to $1,200/1,300 just on Ebay.

Wow. Okay, I'm moving this to Lounge. Sorry, @CherishLarain, I've totally mugged your thread here!!

Ah, interesting. I'm careful never to show E and I being romantic toward each other, but I can see how this is construed that way. I wonder if the buildup of two books before this makes a difference? Must admit I have never given this a second thought. I think you've alway been scrupulous about this. In Book 1, it was never a love triangle, but a love 'V' (as it were), in my recollection. As would be expected, as En and In were brother and sister. Most love triangles, in fact, are not triangles at all, so it's a total misnomer--just saying. Anyway, as we learn through Books 1 and 2 that En and In are actually part of the same being, so to speak, there is still an element of weirdness (by our conventions), that they would to an extent simply be pleasuring them-self (selves?). I think the dynamic encourages the reader to contemplate the nature of En and In's dynamic and their physical nature itself, rather than implying anything icky. I feel that any ickiness is only at the very top, superficial level, if one even thinks about that at all. I mean, it could be played on an existential level through the whole of the book and into the future as En and In drift apart, diverge, and become more and more separate entities, but I don't think there is room for that here, or a particular need. Seems to me the important thing is to underline that they are not and never have been brother and sister in any sense that we would consider.

Comments: (page 4) - "In reality, he was stronger than either In or his sister" - love this line, this paragraph. - "as if centuries were passing" - awesome, makes me think of that scene from The Time Machine, not the modern version (pah), the Rod Taylor one. Excellent. (page 6) - "Knowledge entered him, a will and a purpose. Seek the leader" - I don't remember how this played before, but I'm really feeling this version. Excellent. (page 12) - "No SBs or pipes sending steam and messages from one place to another" - Still deeply into this scene. It's much, much better than before, IMO. (page 13) - "spanning..." - Excellent passage. (page 14) - "made plans in secret" - Oh, very nice. Evokes that seminal line from War of the Worlds. - "were still a viable species" - But, surely, they are the same species as the the Bless? Also, there must be Ar who are neither Pill nor Bless, are there not? What of these? (page 15) - "the priest he once had been" - Awesome. That BP once had been? - "though they would never again see the familiar species of their facet" - Don't understand. If they are living as Ar, surely they would see their familiar (natural) species. Oh, I see. It means move away from this facet to another. Not entirely clear, IMO. - "stayed together and separated" - Ouch. Real feels here. - "perform their last change" - Not sure I follow this. (page 16) - "...taking their bodies" - This scene is so good. I remember no details from the previous version. (page 27) - "She was slightly shorter than she had been before" - This does imply that she could build herself up again? I think we saw something of that implication in the previous book, when she killed the others. - "clicked an impatient toe on the floor" - LOL. (page 29) - "Now we may actually be able to meet our mentors again" - How does he make this connection? They don't know that the mentors are there now, surely, because that was just a kind of coincidence at the feathers of Ori. (page 30) - "their instances diverging" - funnily enough, I had a similar thought a handful of pages again, when they were reunited. I thought back to the start of the Book 1, when there were a simple brother and sister, and look at where they are now, so much transformed and transfigured by momentous events, both in the world, but more importantly on a personal, physical and emotional level. It underlines for me what an important chapter this is, and how effective it is. - "A family" - Okay, THIS time I feel this line. This is the place for this line, and nowhere else in the book. I think there was reference to Man's society being a family, or no, was it Ril and Ori's group? They are the least like a family of the three, but the Soc doesn't warrant the title of family either. it is an emotional thing above all else, and there is not well of emotion in the Soc, or in the group of maj. (page 31) - "Save your whining for tomorrow" - great line. - "outraged expression" - I don't buy this: this is not S. He's timid and uncertain. And what's he got to be outraged about here, anyway? - "only a little sulky" - This feels forced to me, for comedic effect that just doesn't land because of that. There is nothing at all for S to be outrage or sulky about, nothing. - Confused, why does WW have to leave because S caught sight of In's back? - "A little later" - Is this supposed to imply something? It's too vague, even if it's intended to be straight. (page 32) - "This thread has merit and grows thicker in the flow" - Excellent line, excellent moment near the end of the chapter. This is what I need here, to know what we are heading in the right direction. Good stuff. Well done. (page 34) - Yes, satisfying ending to the chapter. Overall I thought this was spot on. TBH I've lost count of how many times I've read through to this point in the story (3, 4 maybe - not that many really), and this is really clicking for me now. There's personal and inter-personal conflict; there's love and bonding and friendship. There's some tension, although it is a sequel chapter, but the undercurrent remains; and, most importantly, IMO, there is decisiveness and forward motion. Nice job.

Well, you know, there's no need to go without... Just saying.