Robinski

Lol. I think sometimes we all need someone to say 'You can't do anything else but write for the next four hours, or else!'

Good luck, @Turin Turambar. We'll still be here when you get back, if you are in fact away, or whatever, it's fine, go do what you gotta do.

Hi @Mordecai, I don't think the problem is with the use of swords--although I totally support those who have said be specific about the type of blade, which will open up more possibilities to diverge from the standard tropes and language--I think the problem is that most fight scenes are not well written. They are boring. Switching to another weapon might help a bit, but it is not in itself the solution to writing a good fight scene. You need to give the reader something they have never read before, surprising them with a move they've never imagined or seen on a screen. Maybe our hero trips on the carpet. Maybe they're cleaning their sword and their hand it all oiled, the hilt slippery; maybe the blade breaks during the fight; the opponent manoeuvres them so they're blinded by sunlight. Maybe they're fighting knee deep in a flowing river, or in mud. Or, they're fighting in a darkened room, on a rooftop. There are dozens and dozens of things you can do to make sword fighting interesting and novel, that's the challenge of being a writer.

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Cool.

Sorry I never got around to this, Sara. Just tooo much going on. This had no detrimental effect though!!! As would be expected

p.s. @Stevent, Have you had your email added to the circulation list? Perhaps you have messaged @Silk already, in which case ignore this message, but if not, PM Silk and me with the email you would like to use to receive and submit, and we'll get it added to the list. Cheers, R

Hi, Steven, welcome to the group. Have you read any Moorcock before? If not, you are in for a treat, IMO. What will you start with? Wheel of Time is worth the slog, I think. In my opinion, Sanderson's books are the best, possibly coloured by the fact that the saga was drawing to a climax, but I think Sanderson's style is more passionate and character-centric than Jordan's. I had a quick look at your blog. Based on that first glance, I think I'm going to like your writing. Seems to be a nice, easy-reading, uncluttered style that I enjoy. I look forward to many long and possibly frustrating discussions about comma usage

You are not, and I really think that's the right decision, because... This is all you need to know about whether it's in or out. We will not allow this to happen. The groundwork's all there, the glances, the invites to dinner, Ir thinking about J when they're not together, the shared experience, travelling together. These sorts of things are the building blocks of romance, and they are all still there in Draft 2. Whatever you might have taken out from Draft 1 does not, IMO, need to be there based on what I'm reading.

Okay, I haven't read these two chapters, and I think I'm going to focus on the latest re-write, and finishing the Draft 2 version of the story, because I've really stalled on that. Sorry. However, I felt I needed to comment on your comment on Alderant's thread about putting the romance back in. I thought it was coming out? Well, IMO, you don't need to change anything in terms of the interactions between Ir and J in Draft 2, as I've read so far, because I think what you have there is a nice slow build through friendship and developing trust without there being any romantic fireworks, and I think that balance of that is absolutely fine. And it's fine for romantic thoughts to take Ir by surprise (maybe when they are out on the road, although that's only the bit I've got to. I'm sorry I've completely stalled. I WILL get back on track.

Super glad you're back, @Alderant. Fire Silk and me a PM with your new email and we'll get it updated on the list.

Could you draw me a picture of that, please? I'm struggling to visualise Really? It feels like forever...in a really good way! Have you been outside your town? It doesn't get much better (speaking as a man). Huzzaaahh!!! (See detailed post on your latest thread.) Agnostic, then? (Easier to fit on your drivers' licence ).

Hey, Alderant, welcome back No. Just, no. I can guarantee you (having been here for coming up on eight years now) that the folks here do not feel that way. I certainly don't. Some people drift through here, some people stay, but there are no membership rules, only guidelines and tenets of decency, and I can count on the fingers of one hand how many of the 120+ members in my time have strayed beyond those. You are not one of those, no way. I'm glad that you felt this was a supportive place. That certainly is what we aim for, and we are happy to welcome back and support you as best we can, most effectively (I hope) by just being somewhere you can be who you are. Submit or not, critique or not, I hope this is somewhere you can just hang out: no pressure (Also, I see your message about changing email. Shoot @Silk and me a PM with the address you want to use and we'll get it changed.)

Morning all! See this post on the RE Facebook page about reCONvene 2020, today only, starting 11am EDT (4pm BST). Some really great speakers and panels. https://www.facebook.com/readingexcuses/

So, this is Chapter 13 thread, right? Hey, @Snakenaps, you can change the title of the thread, just edit the original post and the title comes up as available for edit. "Keep them occupied.” P said." - Are we going to have a problem over this? This is all one sentence. 'P said' is a continuation of the sentence begun in the dialogue. I like how you've adjusted the tone of the meeting. I'm definitely getting more standoffishness, a degree of resentment, which is good. More convincing. Nice job. She's not really sneaking into the events, as such, IMO. She's going in as herself, as a musician. It's not like she's in disguise, or sneaking in the back under cover of darkness. "What do you mean, ‘traveling’?" - I like that you brought this up earlier. I don't think that travelling was mentioned until much closer to the time they left in Draft 2. Nice end to the chapter. This version is better, IMO. Not much LBL, but file sent anyway.

Quick comments. (LBLs emailed separately: not much at all.) The description of Ir's flight from the palace is excellent: real pace, hot emotion. I really feel what she's feeling. Then the release of her reaching the beach and falling down, and then her thoughts about the job. You've nailed my comments about upping the stakes and the emotional weight. This is a good revision, IMO. "Her city wouldn’t be suffocating under crippling legislation" - suggestion: if you're keeping this as a burden, I think the legislation needs to be more swingeing. Steel vs. wood: Here is a fascinating diagram, sourced from Cambridge University materials science. http://www-materials.eng.cam.ac.uk/mpsite/interactive_charts/strength-toughness/basic.html Each diagram shows the general outline of the different 'families' of materials, while breaking one of the materials down into sub-categories. There certainly is an overlap where certain woods and stronger than certain metals. This does not of course take any account of the shape and size of the piece of wood/steel, and whether it's in tension, compression, under shock impact, etc. etc. The first diagram breaks down woods and shows oak well into the purple range of metals. The steels do seem to be stronger than the strongest woods (Diagram 2), however, Diagram 3 shows that the strongest oaks are reaching the strengths of lower level cast iron. But I think it must be so dependent on the shape of the object and how it is being stressed. "I won’t join, but I won’t get in your way" - Yes, this really ups the stakes from the Draft 2 version I read first. Nice job. "before dashing from the stool and the shop" - She dashed away from the palace to the beach. How about something different here? How about she leaves the shop slowly, hesitantly, kind of numb with disbelief at what she's just promised? "but the words tasted false sour on her tongue" - This is a taste analogy, so I thought it made sense to bring flavour(?) into it, attaching it to her identity as a chef. This is a good revision, I say that again. I like how Draft 3 is going

No, no, I shall definitely read it. There's a great Dresden vibe about the idea, and lots of crunchy noir-classical mashup possibilities for this story that can be really fun.

Yeah, I thought of neopronouns*, but I thought that might be a misuse. I thought of those neopronouns as kind of reserved for non-binary genders, rather than collectives. But maybe I overthought that. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_neutrality_in_languages_with_gendered_third-person_pronouns

I haven't read this sub, but apropos of your post elsewhere saying you were going to write more of the story before posting, I am totally up for the story and, having read the other comments, reading it once it's re-written and taken forward. It sounds like a great idea, and seems very novel to me (although I'm sure others are more widely read).

No such thing. I think the collective term for Pratchett novels is a 'blessing', or possibly a 'chortle', maybe even a 'guffaw' of Pratchett novels.

Okay, not sure what the time frame is, so I decided to just read through and aim to catch up. These are overview comments rather than the full critique I would normally do because, time, although there may be random drafting comments because, grammar. That's not what 'unsurpassing' means. There's a pretty strong voice on the first page, and I'm interested to see what prompted the tidying up, but it's verging on losing my interest. Not least because of the title of the chapter, 'Lunch', which is not very evocative. "It only remained on display because I thought that the random lines on canvas was ridiculous and idiotic" - Yep, okay, I've lost patience with the character, because (a) the picture are not strait, and (b) who puts art on their wall that they think is idiotic? An idiot. Tense is pretty ragged. Not consistent. "I was sure that at any moment the springs would burst through the thin padding of the seat" - But they've been living with this sofa for how long? Seems very strange. Also, is this character male or female, young or old? I get not real sense of their situation, other than the daughter. "when I realised that I forgot my bookshelf" - No. I'm done. I've read two pages and I have no idea what the story is about, who the story is about, or why I should care about this person at all, in any way. There nothing in those two pages for me to care about, invest in, and the narrative is largely unfocussed, darting around describing random details of the room that have no significance to me. The first page, the first paragraph, the first line of a story needs to grip the reader and draw them in, give them a character to root for and a situation / setup to engage them. I'm afraid I get none of that here.

Hey, sorry for the delay in reading. These are overview comments rather than line-by-line as I try to catch up. I enjoyed the tone of the story, that fairytale lilt shines through clearly in the pacing and the language. Talking of the language, however, there were a lot of sentences and a good deal of phrasing that I tripped over because it just wasn't good or flowing English. It made me wonder if English is not your first language, but there were other phrases that flowed so well, and were poetic. So, then I wondered if the text just was not proofread. That aspect left me confused. Example: The description of the storm passing through is lovely. Him sweeping his arms, etc., really good. But "Purposefully, with a satisfied smile?" does not to me seem to fit in with the context around it, and I've tried numerous times to figure what the intended meaning of that sentence is in its paragraph. One of the difficulties in a story like this, I think, is reader engagement with the characters. I didn't feel any attachment to One in the early stages of the story, so I was kind of in an emotional flat spot in relation to the main character. Neither did I feel much of anything for the girl, because she is very passive at first, AND, because this is a fairytale, I'm expecting her--as the apparent weakling--to turn out to be massively powerful and in disguise. Consistency of formatting. Minor point, maybe, but there are sections breaks defined by one asterisk, and others defined by three asterisks, with no apparent logic to the different. I know you're not subbing to a market here, but formatting consistency is an important thing to look professional to editors, publishers and agents. There are some really nice ideas. I particularly liked the shadow folk. "It was the 83rd night since" - Numerals in narrative is not the done thing, IMO, especially not in fantasy. Don't take my word for it, look in published works, or watch out for it in books you're reading. I don't think you will see this anywhere. Sometimes in SF maybe, which is a different mood, or when relating an actual number, like 'The number '4' was scribbled on the door.' Clarity, in places, could I think be better. There were a number of occasions when I was left puzzled over what a phrase or sentence meant. E.g. "imagining the pattern he would see in the morning". What pattern, where? He was the one cut, but it sounded like he was only cut once, so, no pattern on him. So, is it meant to imply that her pattern will have changed? But he was the one cut? Unclear, IMO. "Summer ended, and winter had come again" - Confused. At the start, winter was portrayed as the source of his goblin 'ugliness', and yet now that he is transformed to a human. So, is it intended that the ugliness is in the humans, because of their fervent hate for C? That's all I can think of, and maybe it's supposed to be ambiguous, but I don't do all that well with ambiguous things, which is on me, I guess. It depends how clear you want it to be. I do not like the heading near the end, 'Years Later'. I think it would be far, far better to put this in the narrative. In this form as a title it really breaks up the flow of the narrative, which I think is a bad thing this close to the end. I don't see anything wrong with writing 'Years later, two men trundled through the forest...etc.' "dug a small fire pit and settled down to rest" - Fire alarm!!! We've got low branches, and presumably resinous as a coniferous tree, and therefore very likely to burn well. This is how forest fires start. This a cigarette butts, etc. "Robin’s father had died when he was eight" - (1) Robin, hah! Also, (2) introducing new characters and starting to give new character background three pages from the end of the story is kind of hard on the reader, IMO. Not best practice in relation to short stories, IMO. "The stiff body had been abandoned in the field" - Abandoned by whom? Bit confused. If he was killed by a creature, then it's not really abandoning, is it? Also, I go back to my earlier point. Here is a completely new mystery right at the end of the story. I want to see the links soon. "It hadn’t made much difference" - Massive difference between having a half-insane live person in the house to then having no one else in the house. All the different in the world, in global terms. I understand what's intended, but I think more specificity here about how there isn't much difference is needed. "intestine peeking out..." - Great image here, very nicely constructed. This story will tidy up really nicely, I'm sure. I reiterate how so many parts are really well written and well expressed. "His older sister repeated this a good many times" - Repeated what? Unclear. "Every village within 100 miles knew" - Nope. 'Every village within a (or 'one') hundred miles knew'. It's just so jarring, the appearance of the numeral. "to replace it with a lasting image closer to his sister’s delusion" - I don't think this is clear, this sentiment. Also, "taut, agonised features". "His older sister had it easy; through her own doing." - I don't understand. "until his nerves and chest were so tight" - Grammar. "and the hunter stopped short, his ax mid-strike" - Confused. In the same paragraph, it is said that Robin is a hunter. Is this Robin, another hunter? I don't understand. "Kill me if you must" - Whose line it this? The goblin, I'm guessing, but I don't think it's automatically clear. "They were not born in the village, and I have returned" - Who has returned? What is the relevance of it? I don't get it. "Blue eyes narrowed" - Confused by this. O's eyes were not blue. I don't think it's clear that C's eyes were blue, although there is O's line that his eyes were 'also' blue, but that is not exactly definitive. So, if here eyes are blue, this is C? That's the only conclusion I'm left with, but how did she get children when the villagers were dragging here away (presumably to burn her at the stake)? Overall There is some nice writing in here, and a good, consistent tone throughout in that fairytale style. My biggest issue, I'm afraid, is that I just didn't care what happened to the characters, and that is pretty much always fatal for any story I read. I don't really understand C's motivation. O's, I guess, was to survive, but I don't get why C did what she did. Sorry to not be more positive, and sorry for being so late with these comments. I'm now very interested to read the other comments on the thread.

No point in my posting my previous comments two weeks later. Sorry I missed out on the thread. Too much going on. I'm still planning on getting to the updated D3 chapters though. Very soon.

I think this is much better than the train thing. This just hangs together really well, and feeds into the existing world-building, supporting it rather than confusing it. Nice job! Yeah, agree. the Pegasi are rather like ships, small trawlers maybe, but still, as TT says, will make a significant economic impact. This caught my interest because: transport engineer! A little light research* indicates an average speed of tall ships (i.e. oceangoing sailing ships) of about 5 knots. If you assume the ships was saying 24 hours a day (which I suspect did not happen, but I don't have that kind of knowledge) then 90 days would equate to 10,800 nautical miles. Lisbon to New York is circa 3,370 miles. In nautical miles, that's just under 3,000 (the factor is 1.15). So, roughly 30% of the distance from your island to the next one, and a journey of about 25 days. So, what about another comparison? Miami to Havana is 220 nautical miles, or 44 hours. So, about 2 days' sail. The Hawaiian islands are about 325 nautical miles from end to end (almost 3 days' sail). Sydney to Wellington is 1,235 nautical miles, or, 247 hours = 10 days' sail. Conclusion? Is 90 days (10,800 nautical miles) too far? I think it is for the island to be considered as part of the same chain. However that doesn't mean that can't be the nearest land. Although, is this supposed to be an alternative Earth? Hawai'i is about 2,400 miles from San Francisco, 4,700 miles from Brisbane and 4,000 miles from Tokyo. An Albatros flies at 40 miles per hour (quick search, not attributed). If a pegasus flew at 100 mph, or say even 200mph, it would cover 10,800 nautical miles (I'm fudging the difference between knots and mph) in 54 hours. So, 2.25 days compared to 90 days by ship? I think you can bring the islands closer, in fact, I think it would be more believable. How much fun did you have writing that up, @Snakenaps? I found this: Neat idea with the space-saving, Snakenaps. I forgot that, originally at least, Pegasus was one winged-horse, so like in the way of Shadowfax, it was 'just' a name. Obviously, this has no bearing on your story, Kais, as the term has long since passed into general fantasy usage. The thing is was search for was to comment upon the ability to carry passengers. I guess Caro can work from panniers, etc., however passengers seems difficult. But, I guess there could be a kind of basket suspended from the pegasus, in the way of a ballon basket, but, unless these are giant creatures, seating capacity is going to be limited to a handful at most, surely. I don't see how dragon fire could, in any way, be based in reality, i.e. the laws of physics, but it's a fascinating question. Off topic, I know (sorry, Kais), but I just had to delve into this. I've spoilered it as it's off topic. No doubt it's not that simple, but on the face of it, it does seem that dragons must be magic. Who'd have thunk it? That's beautiful. Very expressive faces. Also, I don't think the old lady should stand there when beating the creature... Just saying. Also, yes, you do have to rotate the photo on your comp before posting it. (Experience talking after posting probably over 100 Lego Millennium Falcon pix.) * http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Journals/TAPA/82/Speed_under_Sail_of_Ancient_Ships*.html

Okay, I take your point. Yes, I misconstrued it as a replacement or alternative for the weekly submission. I'm not sure that RE would want to front this, due to the access issues and the 'floating' membership as @Silk outlined, but there's nothing to stop an individual member setting something up and other folks participating if they want to.