Robinski

It's like reading a Robinski 'joint', except that would be driving a talking Had the same issue in Draft 2, in places. In other places, it was fine. I think it's just an editing thing. #iagreewithmandamon, big style. Yeah, and don't be afeared of it being a longer chapter. I felt the musician background with a bit too detailed. This feel like the sort of stuff that the author needs to know, but the reader does not. But, if the chapter ends up being 5,500 words, or it's 2 x 3,000 words, no complaints from me either way.

Hah, I am only wildly behind on the this thread. Comments: Chapter 17 1) "surly strings" - Excellent. I like the description here in the opening. Well done, and sets the scene nicely, emphasising his sour mood. 2) "stone fortress...stone by stone" - That's a lot of 'stone'. Could say 'block by block' (for example) to avoid the excess. 3) Nice simile with the minnows. The usual analogy is that minnows are small and harmless, not worth the hassle, but I like how you've tweaked it. Also... 4) Nice display of his magical ability. It's been many chapters since we saw it last, so this makes a nice reminder of (part of) his power. 5) I'm not doing LBLs, really I'm not, but..."with the cold calmness his facade demanded" - The cold calmness is the facade, surely? This sounds like tautology to me (sort of). 6) Another LBL, but really, I have to stress this. The lack of some form of separating mark between the POV sections makes me trip hard over the switch which occurs right at the page break. To some extent this is a typesetting thing, BUT, imagine an agent or publisher reading your MS and tripping over this...'Wait, what, M's birthday...What's happening?' I strongly recommend developing the habit of inserting a section break (like ' *** ' or maybe ' # ' between your POV sections to avoid this disorientation in the reader. 7) "would not only mean the loss of C" - I don't think I agree with this. I don't remember the contract saying anything about her having to be successful at the tasks assigned to her. And, "and, for the musicians, their careers over" - not sure I agree with this either. It seems overdramatic. They might take a while to recover, but a musician could still get a job in a band or orchestra, even if only sitting at the back. 8) Pedant alert: I would say that a doorway is always open, it's the door the opens and closes. 9) The language in the first library paragraph is rather untidy: "introduced them to those surrounding the table" - clunk. 10) But...I like the tension introduced immediately to this encounter in the form of the spy potentially being present. Good job. And then the actual spy is right there!! At first, I thought this was weird, too sudden, but because it's unexpected, I think maybe it works. Very good tension certainly, and Ir's stress, her dilemma, is convincing. 11) "Don’t switch sides" - I don't understand this line. There's no chance of Sue changing sides, that must be completely obvious to Ir, and nothing in what Sue said suggested that's what she was going to say. Oh, from reading on I think I get that Sue meant for Ir not to change sides, but...hmph. Difficult to align my emotions correctly having finished Draft 2 already. 12) The stuff about her falling, again, it makes no sense to me, and should not make sense to her. Why would the BK set her up to fail when he needs her to be in the position he has put her? It's not logical and I think Ir is smart enough to see these thoughts make no sense (IMO). 13) Yeah, her emotions at the end of the chapter feel forced. I accept her being stressed about the upcoming concert, but all the musicians being under threat doesn't play for me. It feels like forced tension: artificial stakes. I could go with Ir feeling stressed about not performing adequately, and not being able to fulfil her real purpose for the BK, and therefore him terminating her contract, but not the bit about all the musicians' careers being over. Damaged, yes, the progress, reputation and earning being set back, probably, but not the end of careers. Chapter 18 1) "However, with nine days left..." - This is not a new section, is it? I'm basing it on the line break. Starting it with 'However' is not good. 2) "kneading endless amounts of bread" - You knead the dough, of course, not the bread. It's the old 'What do you put in a toaster?' joke. 3) "when she came in at a song" - I'd say 'when she joined in a song', or, you could say 'At which bar she joined a song', which is better, because it implies growing musical knowledge on Ir's part in that she knows to use the term 'bar'. 4) "If she didn’t blend in seamlessly with some of the best musicians in the province, the restaurant wouldn’t be finished, everyone from Carcella’s would lose their salaries, and the musicians" - As noted before, I don't think these stakes are believable. 5) "More than that, however, was their sense of humor" - More what than that? More reassuring than that, more valuable than that? Word missing here. 6) "played off of" - I'll comment on this till my last breath. I remain 100% convinced that you will not see this form used in professionally published literature. It's clumsy on the tongue, inelegant and unnecessary. 'remark that J played off' is perfectly clear and adequate. 7) "It was incredibly fascinating" - This seemed a bit over-much to me. 8) "who went around in the evenings and lit all of the sconces and candles until the palace" - How do they light the streets of Bor? Is this not common practice? 9) "Did she actually help..." - What else would she be doing? How could it not be a help? I don't understand this thought. 10) "fell a foot from her face where it cascaded off of the rooftop and splashed onto the stone ground" - I mean, just tell me it doesn't sound cleaner, smoother, better. In fact, personally, I would replace it with '...cascaded from the rooftop...' Also, there is value in being more specific, making the words work harder in terms of description, e.g. '...cascaded from the rooftop to splash on the stone path.' for example. 11) "not because of its lack of popularity, but its sheer exclusiveness" - Phrasing. This says that the BT is unpopular. It say it has a lack of popularity. But that's not true. I'm sure it is very popular with the segment of society that can afford to patronise it. Suggest replacing with 'not from a lack of popularity, but...' I'm sorry. I've lapsed into LBLs, but you know me well enough by now to know that I struggle to read past this sort of thing, and I WILL bust your chops about it, early draft or not 12) "that the BT made up for its lack of color on its exterior with a rainbow collection of artwork" - Top style tip (that I stole from the Death of 1,000 Cuts podcast). Don't describe what is NOT there, describe what IS there. As in 'the BT made up for its monochrome exterior with a rainbow collection of artwork'. Actually, I well 'collection' is a bit week. Suggest something like 'coruscating rainbow of artwork', something with more pizzaz. 13) "she would never be wealthy or influential enough to be allowed admittance" - Oh, oh, miss, miss! Please let this be a loooooong foreshadowing of a day, maybe in Book 3 (at least) when Ir has risen through society to the point that she can afford a membership of the BT bathhouse. That would be soooooo awesome 14) "anyone else considered worthy for bathing in the sewers" - grammar/phrasing: this doesn't make none sense, under mine opinion. 15) "lackluster but serviceable houses" - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! This is not Ir's voice, IMO. The passion that she has for her family, IMO, has always included a very, very special and strong image of the family home as the centre of her world. I do not believe that she would ever think of it in this way. Modest? Sure. Serviceable? Maaaaaybe, but she has too much love for the place to think of it as lacklustre, IMO. 16) "Ir followed the thrust of her nose" - Cows don't have noses. I don't see it makes any difference if Pe is a therio or a...what's the word? Cows must have snouts or muzzles or something other than noses, don't they? Oh, they've got muzzles, it says here... https://sites.psu.edu/rclambergabel/tag/scorecard/ 17) "It was much cheaper to hire your neighbor, who was capable of following given instructions without needing his own army of servants" - I don't know what this means. I don't see what it adds. Cut it, IMO. I get the point that people with carriages are super wealthy. It's not a concept that needs a lot of explanation for the reader. If you explain obvious stuff, the reader will think you think they're dumb. 18) Whoa there. Ir gives only a partial name, but Pe states the whole name. I was going to throw a flag on this, BUT, I then remembered that Ir sees the name that the being considers to be their true name, I think? (See, I've been paying attention ). The thing is, would a being not consider their true name to be their full name? Why would they consider a truncated version of their full name to be more true that than the full name? Seems counterintuitive to me. 19) "Pe began leading the way towards the palace" - Compare: 'Pe led the way toward the palace." Directness is more compelling, flows better and is easier for the reader to follow, IMO. 20) "he surely already knew of" - Knowing of someone, is not the same as knowing their name. The point here is that the BK surely already knows the bankers name. (Sorry, in full LBL mode now, but dang it, just, because. 21) Hmm. Cut the last two lines and finish the chapter on "Why were name so important?" This is a much more compelling end to the chapter than going back to the performance, which the reader has been beat over the head with for the last several chapters(?). This is more important plot-wise, the knowing of names. I think it makes a much better, more tense and intriguing end to the chapter. Overall Good chapter. I can't remember how these scenes were shaped in Draft 2, but I thought this read through well.

Ah, yes, the old 'Can you outrun a lion?' joke.

Lol. That's hilarious. How may, though?

Of course, you really must survive teaching first. At least get all the boobytraps planted around the classroom (in case anyone turns up in person), and make sure the snipers are in position. Yeah, I weakened, but I'm trying to do this critiquing 'lite', where I don't get drawn into line edits, so that I can keep pace with RE stuff. I mean, I have no excuses when there are two subs a week ATM, pretty consistently. Seems that when I concentrate on my writing, I struggle to critique, which was not always the case. #alwayslearning

Comments. 1) I'm instantly glad that the discussion has turned to serious matters. The dialogue maybe does not flow quite as well as the previous chapter initially. 2) I like the first section. It sets up quite a bit quickly, but we've already heard of the F long before now, this gives more meat to earlier references. It's not the first reference to the northern project; as I recall it's mentioned in earlier BK POV sections, so this is building those earlier references up, it seems to me, by the project coming to Ir's notice for the first time, I think. 3) Why is J worried? That seems odd. 4) "Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to-" - This is the third sentence in the chapter that has started this way. There are two on the previous page. The second one sounded repetitive. This one is even more repetitive. 5) "I can tell the broad emotions of what someone is feeling" - Super wordy and awkward. 'I can read emotions, broadly.' Everyone feels emotions, that's what they are. No need to explain that. Also, there is a verb too many, and grammar stuff. This is quite a good illustration of Point 1)(b), above. Maybe the chapter was never quite as smooth as I remember from my previous reading. 6) "Well…thank you for the excuse to leave" - This through me, because I though we were still talking about J's powers. This is an example of the choppiness that I think was evident in the previous chapter, in the marketplace. In fact, "I’ve been in it my entire life" - Again here, Ir makes a comment about her sister and the wall, but J's answer is about the earlier point around politics in general. These start to feel like non sequiturs and do hurt the flow of the conversation, I think. 7) "do you know the Black King’s name?" - Now, I'm struggling just a little with versions of the story. Does J know what her ability is? If so, then I understand why he would ask this question. But, if he does not know that she knows names, then I see no basis for him asking the question. 8) "a slow death not only for herself but her family" - Back in Chapter 14 she has a very similar thought, and uses the phrase "her family would die slowly and painfully". I understand why she would think in the same terms on two separate occasions, but since she's had a thought her like this on two occasions (two chapters apart), it rang repetitive to me. 9) "distant music and laughter from the party mixed with the waves" - It continues to be a strongly evocative scene this one, so atmospheric. You have to promise my you will never cut it!! 10) "We purposefully didn’t tell you" - 'purposely'. 11) The ending: I like how it captures the change in her dynamic with the musicians, and the Maits in general. What it does not do is push the plot forward, or push the reader into the next chapter. I believe that not all chapters need to do that, but I think maybe this book could do with the few more chapters that do... Overall ...Still, it's a well conceived chapter, I think. The thing is, I'm pondering whether in fact it would read better to have all of the Buch stuff in one chapter, which I think was the case in Draft 2? Since Chapter 14 is circa 2,860, it would seem easy enough, in word count terms anyway, to take the market scene from Chapter 15 back into 14, and keep the beach scene as one chapter. That, in fact, would save you an entire chapter, splitting the 4,400 words of Chapter 15 between Chp.14 (2,860) and Chp.16 (also 2,750). I guess there is not much plot here, but I feel the tension in Ir and I feel it ease as she accepts the friendship of the musicians. I like this chapter, but do agree with other comments that probably more plot is called for through Chapters 14-16.

#iagreewithmandamon I'm not quite so sure about this point. The first part, yes, but I do believe that Sue has a passion for the cause, and sees the BK's rule as unjust. I'm not sure I ever got the impression that she was just 'playing' at being a revolutionary. If anything though, she seems to be less angry with Ir., however, that is maybe just because Sue seems to think that Ir is going to help the revolutionaries by being in the palace, which I presume Ir will not in this Draft 3 (as per the previous version). I tended to think that too, but wasn't put out enough to comment. I was relying on future edits to smooth the scene, but it's right to mention it now. I agree that the changes from one topic to another in that first scene do feel choppy, and less than organic. I continue to like the beach scene, and I'm happy to accept its purpose as fairly low key: Ir gets to know the orchestra and cement a grow friendship with the musicians. BUT, it's a fair point--and one made before--that too much slice of life together will become a drag on the plot. I like @Turin Turambar's assessment in terms of the plot in the first part carrying the reader through the second part, but I'm not sure it would do any harm to the beach scene is Ir were to think beforehand that she might something about X (something plot-related), and then to have that come out in the beach scene. Yeah, I agree that the sibling tension seems to be less around here in this Draft 3. It was good in Draft 2. Maybe it's still there, but will come out/blow up a bit later in this draft. Yes, but see, it was It who said this, not Sue. I agree that the comment stands out, but I think it stands out because Ir has taken that impression. I didn't think that Sue felt this way herself. The thing that throws me (as noted above) is that Sue does not take any offence at Ir's comment.

Comments 1) Do you eat sturgeon as a fish? I mean, caviar, obviously, but I'm not aware of anyone eating the flesh of the adult fish. 2) I'm surprised that Sue let Ir away with referring to her revolutionary loyalty as a 'hobby'. That's pretty insulting. 3) "the statistical likelihood" - This phrase throws me out of the chapter, seems way too modern and technical. 4) "slowly increasing their space from each other" - Really awkward phrasing. 5) I humbly submit that no culture would call its convenient snack-formatted food "mini dinner pastries". It's way too awkward to get the mouth around, unlike the dinner pastries. random examples: pasties (Cornwall); pies (all over the place); bridies (Scotland); kebabs (modern UK, via Turkey; crêpes (France); dim sum (China); pakora, bhajees and samosas (India/Asia); and then there is Mexico... My point bein, this type of snack would be named so as not to be such a mouthful, in conversation at least. Ir can still describe what she has brought, for the reader's benefit. 6) "for those who heard its murmur, across the ocean and echoing against the cliffs, they couldn’t help but feel a smile come along their face" - 'come across their face' is the conventional expression, IMO. Also, the thought is quite literal about people hearing the song on the beach, or even in the streets: that's fine, but no one is going to her even the slightest murmur across on ocean. So, the end of the line is figurative, but I think there maybe needs to be a distinction between the first part and the second. Maybe something like '...she imagined the slightest murmur crossing the ocean and echoing...' to set that part apart from the rest. Overall This does feel sharper and more focused to me. Good work. I wonder now if the person moment with J on the beach is removed, or is upcoming in the next submission. I shall find out!

Hard agree. If, in the unlikely event, the sailing trip were to be elongated to recapture some of the lost elements, I would not want to lose any of the new stuff, which is very good. I totally get this, but can also see the progression from the previous version. It's not a long chapter, so I--personally--would roll with it if I came across it in this form, provided that the chapters around it are showing story and plot progression. Just my opinion. Maybe if there was scope to make more of the mysterious encounter at the end, it would burobide a stronger plot element in the chapter, pushing it on, but I sense you're building to something there which will pay off later.

Okay, no detail, just overview. Back in the game!! Woop-woop. 1) "don’t end up on the blade-side of a guillotine" - I like this okay, but occurred to me that 'staring into a basket' has a bit more pith to it. Maybe it's not clear enough, but I like it. 2) "“I think this is far enough.” S said" - Please don't submit NotK to a publisher or agent with any of these incorrect dialogue tags in it. I'd hate to think of it being rejected out of hand for (recurring) basic sentence structure issues. Promise me! 3) I don't understand why the revolutionaries would be will ing to give a hint, but not the whole name. It seems like this would be an all-of-northing deal. Okay, Ir can probably work it out exactly from this with her name knowing ability, but nobody else can...and maybe that's the point. Okay, it took me a while to get there, but I can see the point of this, and that the person that released this information was very canny about Ir's ability(?). And you called it out, good. 4) Hmm. The sailing scene is shorter than before, and seems kind of perfunctory. I know you still have some stuff to insert in it, but I think I preferred the previous version. It's like this version is too short to be satisfying and have the impact on a personal and character level that the last one had. The debate doesn't last long enough for the to happen, it seems to me. 5) "the dog’s insane sense of timing" - modern slang, IMO. Doesn't resonate in a pseudo-historical fantasy setting. Also, "not a second too fast or slow", a second it a loooooong time in musical terms. Being out of time, musically, is a matter of fractions of a second. To be out of time by a whole second would be huge, a significant proportion of an entire bar, probably. Darn, there I go LBL-ing! 6) I would say that percussion tends to be viewed as an instrument on its own, and that there is no need to pick out a percussive instrument for Ir, but simply say that she'll play percussion and leave it at that. This does prevent them from going through the instruments and letting her trying them, but I don't think they need to say 'Right, you'll be on tambourine', but just percussion in general. 7) "began to pick up" - pack up, presumably. 8) "...next few days,” The griffin said, “I hope..." - I...just... 9) "Not to mention dragon pots" - I don't remember this from before. I guess it is what started the fire? But how does it work, as has it left remnants on the proposed beach, like unexploded bombs? This detail aside, I really like this sort of detail that shows (not tells) the impact of the war, which was something missing before. Nice job . Also, there is reference to Dolphin head, but also to Dolphin fish. Minor inconsistency, I think. 10) "Around four in the evening" - Four o'clock is not evening: anywhere in the world! 11) "Can do, L. Can do" - Can do is a modern expression. Went 'clang' for me. 12) "That was the only reason she wanted to go, as L began telling a joke. For business." - How does this bit fit in the sentence, grammatically and grammatically? I don't get it. 13) "the stone pines" - What is a stone pine,? I thought lines were made of wood, and needles, and cones? 14) "Before the BK won the war, it had been risky to take the main streets" - I don't understand. During the war, during the attacks? Or under the old monarchy, like from muggers and such? Also, "The giant gapping basement" - gaping, presumably. BUT, most importantly, excellent retrofitting of the signs of destruction of the war. Very nicely done <thumbs up>. 15) "how to see the dangers that the palace was riddled in. Only, instead of turning back like Ir would, Sue would no doubt recognize those dangers and still plow forward" - Confused. Sue would never have been hired on by the palace, so this is not any kind of option. So, I don't think that Ir would think this thought at all, or not in this way. It is not like Ir to have an inconsistent though, I think. Plus, 'riddled with'. 16) The last line does not quite land for me. I'm fine with the idea of it, but it's the scan, the rhythm, that I think is a bit off. Overall I like the 'chance' encounter with the man from the bar, and the new description of the impact of the city of the way, cropping up as it did at various parts of the chapter, was excellent; very effective. And yet, I feel like the chapter suffers from the contraction of the trip on the boat with Sue. It's lost a lot of the feeling and atmosphere about it. it doesn't need the capsize element, but they could encounter rough seas, waves, the wake of a large ship. It just feels kind of insubstantial now, inconsequential, which is a pity, given that I experienced what is was before. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that the previous version of the sail has more value than just the information communicated. This new version, I think, has more in the way of telling the reader about the relationship between Ir and Sue, whereas I think the previous version 'showed' us that relationship, it had time to breathe in the course of that chapter, which it no longer does. See? Aren't you glad I decided to jump back into Draft 3?

He does play it down, but he has seen some weird sht of his own. Maybe he could be more wound up, but I personally wouldn't go too far the other way. Yes, totally agree. This confused me. Interesting. I read it as her insisting on going to the party because she needed to see that A&T were okay, and see for herself. Maybe there was an element of selfishness, but I don't see that it did A&T any harm. Sometimes I wish character were a little more selfish and put their own happiness higher up their priority list. Yes, and I'm frustrated by that somewhat. Okay, she was with them before and things were getting hot-and-heavy, and Me got scared and ran away, fair enough, but the more they come together and almost get to be happy (for an hour or so), the story pulls them apart--actually, more specifically, one of the characters pushes the other(s) away--and that gets frustrating the second or third time. Yeah. Okay, I could buy this because I thought that A&T were PO'd with Me, but in the encounter everyone was cheery, so I interpreted the start of the previous chapter incorrectly. I think that bit about them excluding her is powerful sign that they are mad at her, but there's not sign of that in this encounter, which confused me. Oh, I did not register that bit, but that feels really forced to try and make the plot work. YES!! This, this exactly. It's completely classic, the moment of choice, having to pick between one love interest and another. Maybe classically is comes at the end of the story, but it would be very dramatic here, and would allow for a big argument between the four of them, Mi having a got at A&T, them yelling at him and Me--being torn, yes, because she likes Mi--, but finally coming to the realisation of what she wants. Maybe it's too soon in the story for this to happen depending on what you want, but it would be an excellent moment for this to happen, when the plot has--very naturally--brought the four of them together. Having a big argument at our outside a noisy party would be very dramatic as well: music pumping, people yelling, having fun, as a background. It didn't bug me enough to comment, but I certainly think you could lose 1/3 of the slime references and still have plenty. Agree. I said something about stock phrases (maybe that was the last chapter), but I think most of it is very 'straight'/normal/conventional in terms phrasing. This does tend to have the effect of making the characters sound the same, whereas characters speaking differently can do a lot to convey character, and make the dialogue more energetic and entertaining, more memorable and dramatic.

Oh, forgot the questions. I see this chapter as M pulling away from Mi and gravitating towards A and T, being more positive towards them than him. If you see it differently, can you please let me know and point out specifics to help me understand the way you see it? - I do sense her desire to be closer to A and T, and there is plenty of touching, but it's consolatory on their part, and Me is disoriented, so not sure she can read with accuracy the signs that they are sending. I don't get much sense of her pulling away from Mi, just trying (through disoriented haze) to move towards A&T, but I'm not sure how I trust her thoughts, because of her condition. Is it clear that M is Not Okay and not quite thinking clearly a consequence of the psychic fight with the Demon? - Yes, totally clear, IMO. And then more so when she starts drinking. Noting however that her clipped dialogue got annoying after a time.

Woo hoo, almost caught up 1) Slime and thorns, excellent snapshot of pain and incapacity here at the start. 2) "She lost, sort of." - But she also won, sort of. 3) I don't remember who P and Y are, and didn't last time. WRS (or Interrupted Reading Syndrome, actually. No wait, no one wants IRS...) Yeah, I vaguely remember that P and Y are allies, but how did they know to got to T and A at the party? 4) Wait, what? How they heck did Mi get there? How in holy heck? 5) "Can I come?" - Eh? In the condition she's in? I find this hard to believe. I get that she would want to go, to make up with T and A, check on them, whatever, but she's in no kind of condition, and surely even she can see that. But "That’s why you didn’t come to begin with" - wait, what? I thought they had a big bust up, and were not speaking to each other? This line seems to deny that situation completely. "Now. Please. Address." - (a) Me's clipped dialogue it annoying. I suppose it's because of how injured she is. (b) Oh, so she only wants to go to the party because, actually, she doesn't want to go to the party, just wants to get the address? I think that could be clearer, would be clearer if we got some internal monologue earlier. 6) "We’ll see you tomorrow at that brunch" - Wait. I thought there had been a big break up and they weren't talking to each other. Going back to check last chapter...Yup, (i) excluded from cuddling; (ii) T and A were furious; (iii) made plans without her. This reads like a big spat to me, and I don't see what they would be quite friendly here, at least not without it being called out. 7) "Questions she should’ve asked right away" - I think it's fine she's asking them now. Glad she is. It's always nice what the character mirror the reader's own questions. I think the timing is fine, given her incapacity. 8) "Did you hit your head?" - But he knows now that she was fighting a demon. This question doesn't sit right. Surely he would also ask 'Was it the fight?' 9) This first scene was a good aftermath / fight sequel scene. There are some notes that sound off to me, as commented above, but the dynamics of the scene felt right, and I'm so glad that we FINALLY have a reveal between Mi and Me as to her true activities. That played fairly well, although I think his emotion / confusion could be dialled up in a few more places, There are some good hints like ramming the knife into the boot, and him pressing her for details, but just a couple more facial expressions, sounds of his voice, etc. would be good, IMO. 10) Me's weird, clipped dialogue. It's not adding anything; it's not creating the effective that she's disoriented, it just sounds to me like this bit has been written in note form, for polishing later. 11) If his lip is punctured and bleeding, she can't just brush the blood off. There are parts of the body that bleed more heavily that others, and I think the lip might be one of them. I feel like there is a lot of blood in and around the lips (just from their appearance). 12) Card? I forget who that is. 13) "Regretted not coming" - I thought Me wasn't invited, that A and T had planned to go without her. 14) Costume party: confused. This different from the masquerade, right? 15) "A favorite for busting trolls" - Aw, cool. So, it's nickname is troll-buster, obviously 16) Repetition of grabbing the bowl of chips. 17) "But it is too bad it escaped" - The others don't notice this slip from Me, referring to 'it' not he. That's okay with me. Here's a thing though. 18) "Her phone rested on his lap." - I think the end of the chapter should be here. The explanation of what is on the screen is clunky, and does not leave the reader with the dread of imminent discovery, which I think is the better emotional hit at the end of the chapter. Overall Good chapter, I enjoyed this. Lots of emotional baggage and fallout from not just the attack, but all the person al stuff that came before. I did feel a bit misled over the situation between Me and T+A, which I thought was less friendly, from the description previous. Usually missing words, grammar issues, typos, and some logic holes and glitches, reference above, but good stuff. I tend to feel that we are about to lapse back into relationship navel gazing, which would be a shame with the plot momentum having been built up, but I have the promise of a difficult conversation between Me and Mi in the next chapter, so I am totally keen to keep reading. I hope that the plot momentum is maintained in the next chapter, and we get lots of good reveals about Me's abilities, and the nature of BP. Also want Me to get closer to T and A.

Yes, very much agree, but still think the tension in the first part can be dialled up. Yeah, this is a better way of putting what I was feeling. Often, in fact frequently, in fact always in 'action' stories in this kind of personal situation, character never actually have a proper conversation about how they are feeling, which most people would do in real life. If people have been as intimate as Me and Mi have at times in the story, I think they would not resist actually speaking about what they were feeling, or some of it. It's often really frustrating and some writers (of lazy, big budget fiction) use lack of communication as a lame tool for manufacturing a personal conflict when it's just not there. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, and I know that slowing everything down to have a conversation is not necessarily helpful to the pacing, but I think if people are going to clam up (or stay clammed up), it needs to be convincing. I was okay with this, and there's the bit towards the end about pix swarming. Agree with Silk's comments about the new friction between the three. It's a big thing. I had assumed it was a summary of an earlier rewrite, but yes, I'd want to see this rather than just be told that they were mad with each other. Ditto, but the very next words after BC are 'Boston College', so I had no problem with this at all.

Okay, I am here for a party. Let's do this. 1) The recap of resent events doesn't flow well for me. It feels clunky in phrasing, and generally awkward and not particular believable, I think. it verges on an issue that I frequently have with many dramas and films, which is people not communicating properly. It sounds like there is a lot of that going on in that interim period. Although I am not sure how much comes over in the intervening (rewritten?) chapters. 2) The demon, at first is quite scary, but the conversation is very mundane, somehow, and I feel that the threat ebbs away. I wonder if it's Me's reaction to the demon, which is very accepting, or rather unquestioning. We don't get a great deal of her emotional reaction to the demon or the task. Also, the dialogue is a bit cliched. 'Not so fast'; 'And if I don't agree'; 'You have three minutes.' I didn't feel a great deal of tension in the conversation. 3) Then Me's attachment comes, and I guess it's quite surprising, but the absence of any thought about it, and analysis of the situation in Me's he'd before she attacks, distances me from it, and her, where I have been in her head before. So, the attack seems random to me. 4) "make her wish she was dead" - Again, it's a pretty well trodden line. Falls rather flat for me. As did "its evil plan". 5) "She built trap doors" - What is the demon doing while she's doing all the thinking and planning and building? Is it just standing there waiting for her to muster her defences? The dynamics of the fight seem off, out of whack. 6) "Her muscles clenched and doubled over" - Which muscles? The fight is disorienting now, in the sense that there is no description of what is going on in the physical world while all this mental combat is happening. Are they tussling in the physical worlds too? is no one trying to stab the other anymore? 7) "to take offense" - This sounds like being offended, having feelings hurt. I think 'on the offensive' is a clearer phrase. 8) Is this demon the X-roads demon? I'm not sure that was made clear before, but it doesn't sound like she's discovering it here for the first time. Good description of being in its mind now, certainly better than the earlier parts of the encounter, which were less convincing, IMO. (I.e. the chatty bit). 9) Why does the demon run away? Is she not at its mercy around about there? 10) The ending: I like the stuff about her not being able to shield, and how her mind fells, but the last lines of the chapter don't feel like an ending. They don't round things off and propel me into the next chapter with a dramatic conclusion. The chapter just stops. Overall It's very good to have a an encounter with the demon. I think the first part at least needs to be punched up in terms of threat and drama. The second part is good, the fighting part, but I think there are holes in it, as noted above. The earlier part of the chapter with Mi is pretty dramatic, but in a much more low key, relationship sort of way. She does seem to spend her life being pulled away from however she's with to go to someone else. Okay, this time it was a setup, and that was well done: classic emotional decoy trap, and that is the life of a superhero, after all. I think this is better than what I seem to remember was around here before(?), although I think I might be on new ground in terms of the demon encounter. Looking forward to the next chapter

Hi, sorry this is late, but not as horribly late as I though: less than two weeks!! I'm in catchup mode, so nothing fancy, just immediate impressions as I go. Strictly no LBLs. 1) The epigraphs are a bit formal in style for a journal entry, I thought. But I don't know Lucy, so maybe that's how she is all the time. I just thought it sounded like someone writing a book, rather than private jottings in a journal. 2) The start of the chapter reads somewhat like a summary of the book so far (from what I remember). But, surely the reader knows all that, having read the book? So, I wonder if it won't sound a bit odd to the reader. (As in, 'I've just read all this stuff happening, so I know it already.') 3) "love… square" - LOL!! 4) Mom's advice strikes me as odd. As a parent, you want your kid to be happy, but I'd say parental advice tends to be more general rather than prescriptive advice about who to kiss. Unless maybe Me has already expressed that she doesn't want to be in love with Mi, in with case Mom is just supporting a decision Me has already made. Also, Mom's voice in the dialogue here does not sound like the voice of the woman who wrote the journal, although I appreciate people can apply difference 'voices' to difference situation. 5) I'd like to think it goes without saying, but, of course, it doesn't. So, grammar, typos like, all over the place There are some other things that normally I would tag, like telling and narrative jumps (or holes), for example, which are what prompted this comment. 6) I have to have this one. Arm gauntlets, they're just 'gauntlets'. 7) I like the text speak. Not 100% convinced on the formatting, but it's very in keeping with the setting. I think I would ditch the italics. Or........would I? I use italics for the other half of phone conversations in the Q and M books. Which feels right to me. Maybe it's because the Name: is in standard text, that I think the comment also should be in standard text. I don't think the two parts should be in a different format. 8) Hmm...pressure from Mom to initiate sexual activity; interesting. I'm still struggling to find some consistency in Mom's voice. 9) Yeah, the text chat it delightfully suggestive, and it works really well seeing the two other parties messaging back-and-forth while Me reads. However, I don't buy Me grinning. She has just been wracked with doubt about her orientation, but suddenly she has a grin splitting her face? I think that is worth at least some self analysis in terms of, 'Oh, if I'm having thoughts like this then perhaps that's all I need to know.' 10) I just can't stop myself, because I loooooooove discussing the detailed mechanics of writing. Viz: "“Grandpa” flashed across the screen" - No wy Grandpa should be in quotation marks: it's not dialogue. Single inverted commas if you want to draw it out as a label, IMO. Sorry, back to ignoring LBLs. 11) Back too the subject of narrative consistency, I did not get the bit when Mom left the room. There was messaging then suddenly (I may have missed it, of course) Mom was coming back in, but I don't recall her going out. Yeah, see, Mom says "Call him back" but she doesn't know who 'him' is, because she was not in the room. 12) "Do you know what they could’ve found?" - This line struck my unbelievable. He's just mentioned paranormal to her for the first time (right?). Why would he think she could answer such a specific question about the people he's dealing with? I'll admit that there have been enough changes to the story that I'm kinda losing track of who knew what when, but there it is anyway. 13) 60 seconds of silence is too long. Sit there are time it. There's no way Me is going to stay on the phone for that lone with nothing being said without interjecting, asking if he's okay. 10 seconds of silence is a long time, 20 seconds is an eternity. 60 is enough to write a first draft of some (probably bad) flash fiction. Overall Yup, I like the rewritten chapter. I still really feel Me's frustration and 'heartache' at potentially missing the party, but, I'm now think this will work out differently, if I remember various discussions in the interim. I like how the conversations by different forms of messages and calls come thick and fast, and there is lots of emotional 'action' in the chapter. Good job, but still issues to be dealt with, IMO, but smaller ones I think

She's never summoned a demon before! I took the impression that she did it all the time, because she had the powder, and knew exactly what to do. I got none of that. We really need to know this on the first page, because it's N's whole motivation for doing what she's doing. So, how are you going to write it when the time comes? Is that a dare? And yes, I agree this is totally an improvement on the first version.

Hey, sorry it's taken me so long to get back here critiquing. I hope that these comments are still of some help. (page 1) - The first line confused me somewhat. I thought the story was third person at first, because the first line starts with a name, but also contains 'my'. (Edit: I guess this is a first person POV remnant.) - The apartment does not look like the interior 'of' a magazine but an interior in a magazine. I know, quibbling, but precision in language makes a difference to the effect created, and to standing out to industry professionals, I would think. Or maybe not standing out for the wrong reasons. - Suggest 'old and shedding coach', otherwise it sounds like at ‘shedding couch' is a special kind of couch, IMO. - The references to the photographs of Nova: I feel it’s a bit odd she’s got photographs of herself on the wall but not with family, by the sound of it. Maybe it’s meant to seem odd. Also, tense issue with the phrase ‘would be taken’: these pictures are already on the wall so they’ve already been taken. also, the green screen thing and photo shop seems a relevant doesn’t add to tension it’s a distraction, IMO. Not sure it’s a thing. I’m not familiar with this concept. It raises a question that it doesn’t answer, IMO. - Question: why is there a wooden cabinet against the window? Surely that blocks the light? Oh, is that the point? If so, maybe just state that to avoid reader confusion? - Detail: surely she’s already standing on the carpet if she is in the room? If it’s a rug, then okay. - Good detail about the child. That makes me think about the character. However something about N makes me think she is young. So, her having a 16-year-old child threw me slightly. I think it’s the description of the flat how untidy it is makes me think teenager for some reason. (page 2) - The Celtic knots: I don’t believe there is enough baby powder in the bottle to form these patterns. I have a little experience of baby powder as a father, and the bottles aren’t that big, in my recollection. Question: how does she get baby powder on her hands if she is pouring it from the bottle? - The couch: surely this is her couch and she is familiar with it. Why would she put up with a couch in such poor condition? How can she sit and watch TV expecting a spring to stab her at any moment? Doesn't seem likely. - I like the moment the smoke starts to appear. Nicely played, low key, letting the weirdness speak for itself. - "N began to see flashes of fire inside the pentagram." - I think describing the MC seeing or otherwise sending something is distancing. It's something that bugs my consistently, because, if this was 'Flashes fire lit up in the pentagram' (for example) it's much more immediate and puts the reader in the moment, rather than sensing everything the filter/lens of the character. Everything is through that lens, it doesn't need to be stated. - More nice description of the manifestation with sparks and smells, nice. I like the fire extinguisher line - "And left only a demon in its place" - What function does 'only' play in this sentence? I can't see any value for it. Is it supposed to be ironic? Doesn't work for me. - Like the double eyes very much. I think the description of them could be more effective, pack more punch. How are they configured? :: or .. ..? What is the quality of the blueness? Okay, baleful, but what does that look like? (page 3) - Another POV remnant slip. - "bathed in... every morning" - LOL. - You start calling it a devil on Page 3. I'd stick with demon or devil: mixing the two seems vague to me. These are different things, surely? - "massive beringed taloned hand" - awkward phrasing. I think you need a comma between the adjectives, or maybe 'and'. - How can a pattern be 'awful'? I don't get this, don't know what to picture. And...'a cork'? Confused. - "reminded her of a tsunami crashing on a rocky beach" - I'm pretty sure a tsunami doesn't crash (or break) on the beach. Isn't that the point, it runs way inland? I don't make a habit of watching tsunami vids--too scary (shudder)--but I think it's worth checking this. The more accurate the language, the fewer readers are thrown out of the narrative. ALSO, how does N know what a tsunami sounds like? - "She droned on, and began to let her mind wander as her mouth recited" - I do not think one lets one's mind wander. I think it wanders of its own accord, before one realises it. I'm presuming she's trying to concentrate on the ritual, so the wandering happens without her 'conscious permission'. - "whole litany takes a few minutes, and She began" - tense error and typo. - "obey the spirit and not the letter" - I like this, I like that you've thought about sneaky alternative interpretations of instruction. In passing though, surely it's necessary for the demon to obey the spirit and the letter? - "His teeth extended from it’s mouth" - I think this is another drafting remnant. If the demon is a 'he', it should be 'his mouth', of course. Notwithstanding that, it should also be 'its' not 'it's'. I know you know these things, but I feel obliged to mention them when they crop up in a submission. (page 4) - "Do you stuff empty compliments down the throat" - Whoa! This got smutty really fast. - "cursed myself for giving R personal information" - But she didn't really. The friend's name could be any number of names starting with 'Sa...'. - "take you up on the offer comptable" - What word it this? (page 5) - "Only his deep blue eyes remained the same" - all four of them? - "need a shaeding license" - what is this word? Confused. (page 7) - Okay, there are lots of grammar issues, tense slips and things, and I'm getting distracted by them. I'm going to stop mentioning them at this point, since I've got a way to go in the sub. I'm enjoying it, but the drafting is frustrating. - I like the easy camaraderie between the two. It has reduced the stakes after the fear and portent of the summoning, but if R is going to be her sidekick that's probably okay. BUT, at Page 6 in the story, I need some stakes. What is the plot? Where is the tension, threat, conflict? What does the character want? These are things that need to be up front in the story, Page 1 or 2, IMO. I need something to buy into, to really engage my curiosity, and all I've got is this oddball relationship. It's good, but I need plot and motivation. - "quaint, narrow street" - doesn't tell me why the street is quaint: what does quaint look like? - The entire Maryland what? - stucco: cliche. I don't know how many buildings in modern Mediterranean cites and towns are stucco (although I have been to Italy and South of France multiple times), but it's very few, I think. I totally accept this description applies to quaint little villages and the historic parts of modern cities and towns, but I think this makes everywhere in the Med sound like it's 300 years old, which it's not. I know this could be seen as nitpicking but it was my reaction to the line. - "It was manned by a man who was dwarfed by the huge apron he wore" - I don't actually know what size the man is. The apron could be exceptionally big. - "Greek folk music" - "I already know what you want." - How? Private joke that I don't get. - "man who looked like he should live in the restaurant" - What does this look like? Nobody lives in a restaurant, so I've got no comparison. (page 8) - "You told me in your letter that you’d tell me why you wanted to eat with me." - I think this is the first line of your story: "N opened the mail one day and found a letter from a demon inviting her to lunch" or something like it. It creates mystery, introduces the main character as someone interesting enough for a demon to invite to lunch, and of course the fact that there are demons in this world. That is basically all I know from the first seven pages of the story so far. I can't think of anything else significant in terms of plot, but all the details can follow. I know it blows the reveal of the summoning scene, but this illustrates my point about the opening, and hitting the reader with something that gives motivation. - "We’re not eating yet, jeune" - This is French for young, but it's an adjective. If he means 'youngster' it would be 'enfant' (child), or 'petite file' is little girl, or, if he's going for a term of endearment, 'ma petite chou' literally is my little cabbage, but it is used as a term like 'sweetie'. - Really, really don't need to use the guy's name twice in the same sentence. If there are only two people in a scene, and one is male, the other female, once, twice or three times on the page is enough in terms of name use, IMO. Don't take my word for it though, consider in whatever novel you're reading at the moment* how often the author uses character names. (*assuming it's major press, professionally edited / published) - "An older man caught Nova’s eye, glanced at Raphael, then winked conspiratorially. Then he froze." - I've got no idea what happened. I don't understand the wink, or why the old man froze. - I like him implanting thoughts is huge wealth in her head. I totally bought her reaction, and was going to complain about money as a motivation, but the timing was really nice. Well done. Also, N looks competent because she read the situation. - "In N's research..." - Yes, this is good, the kind of thing I want much earlier. What is N? What does she do, and why? It's back to character motivation, which is closely linked to one's profession (usually). Not necessarily the whole demon description--which works here because they're in the restaurant--but an earlier indication of what N's motivation is. So, in this scene I've learned that he's paying her, but I don't know why, so I still don't understand her motivation, despite thinking I was going to learn it here. (page 9) - What kind of restaurant is this that you have to get your own food? I thought it was a nice, sit down, table service sort of place, but it's basically a cafe? Not even a diner, where there would be service. - Polish: I guess this is an early draft. I've stopped pulling typos and things, as I noted before, but I think it's worth a comment about the prose in general. Wordiness is an issue, and that can be polished down in later drafts, and through practice of style and economy of language. Smoothness of the reading experience is important to engage readers, but absolutely vital to progress to publication or representation. e.g. this sentence "Since the occasion had called for something special, she had ordered salmon fillet, which was more expensive than what she normally would have ordered." I don't know why it's a special occasion, so I'm on the back foot to begin with, but set that aside. 24 words in this sentence. I'm thinking something like 'This occasion deserved something special, so she'd pushed the boat out, and ordered Raph the salmon.' The point is flow, avoiding repeating words, going for style and author voice (whatever that might be). We're all trying to find it, but it's something worth searching for because it can set any author apart from other and make them stand out. - (1) His portion is somewhere a lot and piggish - Nova had (2) ordered him a double helping for him. She cut him some slack. (3) He was seven feet tall and looked to be solid muscle. (1) What does this mean? (2) repeated word (typo, I guess); (3) But he doesn't, he's appearing as a podgy older man. - Confused. Do they both have salmon? It's not clear, I think. She has a plate and he has a bowl, but it sounds like he only has salad? (page 10) - "R readjusted his teeth so that he could fit his fork" - Excellent! I love these very deadpan little demon details that remind the reader he's a demon and can do weird, gross and scary stuff, like this. - "wiggled to a better position, pulling it out of her back pocket" - great description of this action, which everyone will recognise. Good job. - The phone looks drab, but it's pink? Drab and pink are opposites. This description doesn't work for me. (page 11) - How would his gaze bind her with lethargy? I thought greed was his thing, not sloth. - "Several hours of work should be plenty of time to extract the information that she wanted from him." - This seems to be the motivation, part of the plot, or something like it, but I don't understand. It's not clear. As the reader, I want a clear explanation of what is going on, what she does, why and where the story is going. The characters are pretty engaging, and there are some really nice lines, but there is still no tension, no plot and no character motivation. Wealth in itself is not a valid motivation, certainly not entertaining anyway. (page 12) - James? Michael? Confused. - "paid...at the turn of each century" - excellent, love that. - "people swore to R" - not quite sure of how this whole process works/adds up, but it's very interesting. Well done, although I have a growing concern about how this will make me feel about N. - So, are Michael and James vassals that live in 'hell'? I'd consider carrying the names, from an ethnicity perspective, to be more diverse. - Why has she not asked R these question before? I figure she would know these details if she is what I recall you said she was. (page 13) - "There’s nine layers" - 'They are nine layers'. If R can speak French, he should blooming well speak English properly - "all of this new information" - Nope, I don't buy this at all. The story is set up that she's been acting for R for a spell before the story started. She knew him, has numerical data in his operations. These are newly question, and I think they are there solely to acquaint the reader with these details, But I feel this does not work logically. - So, the layers are not actual layers, like strata. Also, there's...........weather? Huh. Who'd have thunk it. (page 14) - Ah!!! Well done. There is nothing quite as satisfying for the reader, I think, as when the main character asks the exact question that the reader does. - Earth needs too be capitalised. Otherwise, it's just dirt. - "D is female" - Of course she is. N should know that, IMO. Dina Washington, Dina Carroll, Dina Meyer, Dina Asher-Smith: it's pretty clearly a female name, IMO. I don't think it's worth making it an issue, drawing attention to it. - I think you run a finger across columns. When the finger runs side-to-side, it's more likely to be following one from across a number of columns, I think. - "She resisted the urge to change her shirt" - What?!?!?! She cannot do that in the middle of a restaurant. For one thing, she doesn't ave a spare shirt, but that is not the main reason. (page 15) - "War may be a très bien opportunity" - This would be 'tres bonne'. Tres bien means 'very well'. (Maybe this is the point at which you tell me you're French, and that R is being deliberately incorrect. But I did study French for five years, and have visited France about 10 times. I pretty confident about these comments.) - I'm not following the comments about the numbers. Look into the seven? Sure thing. (This means that 993 of his vassals behaved normally, right?) But why five out of seven? (page 16) - I don't believe that R would not notice the man watching her, and might be likely to ask about him. (page 17) - R talking about work is clunky. He uses the word 'work' three time in three lines. - "With beggars, they barely had a choice" - This sounds like she's buying to to his philosophy. (page 18) - Although it doesn't do anything to push the story forward into the next chapter, I kinda like the ending and the world continuing beyond the glass. OVERALL There are plenty of points on the writing itself in terms of wordiness; lack of clarity; hiding information from the reader; etc, as mentioned, but there is definitely the basis of a good story here. I really like the idea. I'll come back to what I think are the most important things. At the end of the chapter, I still don't know what motivates N to do what she does, and that has to be up front in the story. Also, plot. What is the plot? Okay, we've got talk of another meeting, but we just had a meeting that didn't really push the story forward into the next chapter, I guess there is the mysterious man, who I presume it going to talk to her now, but there is nothing in terms of plot filling me with a need to keep reading. Sometimes, I think we follow the 'rules' of writing, or at least the guidance that we've soaked up along the way, too slavishly. I think this chapter could do with so more telling of information to the reader to help the clarity. Just tell us what N's goals are (New apartment? Pay for her mother's heart transplant? Cast down the evil demon?), or give her a clear mission from the demon (like, find out who is swinging me or I will take your soul). Writing Excuses do say that though that there is a time for telling, and sometimes it's in the only effective way of getting certain information across to the reader. I hope this is useful.

Hey, remember me? I'm sidling in here sheepishly to leave some comments in the hope that are still of some use. Trying to get back into the swing of critiquing. I've emailed LBLs back to you. I've extracted key comment below, and expanded on them a bit from the notes in the Word file. (page 1) - Opening two paragraphs: I'm not really interested in the description. Honestly, it's not that compelling and does not 'wow' me, grip me, drag me into the story. I'm interested in character. Start with character, IMO. Compounded by which, I found the description a bit confusing, hard to picture the scene. - "crystal goblets and swirled them" - Everyone did? Bizzare image. It's kind of a cliche in the first place, but for the all to do it seems weird. (page 2) - "He ignored them." - And yet clearly he didn't he paid enough attention to notice how they all reacted, and then he reacted to their stares. Okay, he ignores them now, but it rang odd to me after their reaction was described. - "The SK's search for the gods" - Sounds Wagnerian to me!! - "He knew his old master well" - This is a theme for me in the style. I feel there are several instances of comments that are obvious, and bring nothing to the story. In this instance, if you say it's his old master, the reader will presume he knows him well, at the very least, so this is just extra wordage that adds very little. I'm not saying don't say it, but it needs to be compelling, a surprising metaphor, a clever simile, or conveying backstory or plot or something. Every word needs to work as hard as possible. There is no room for deadwood, even in a novel, especially not in the first chapter. - "revesc..." - The word is used more than once in the first page or two. I have no idea what this word means, and there is no context, I can't deduce if it's magic, science, local tradition, spiritual. I'm not saying insert a definition, I feel I need something. It does become clearer on Page 2, as the word is used several time. As an example to help me explain my rambling, the first reference might say 'silver mail, created by rev--essence (if that's the word for it). - Description: some of it is quite bland. e.g. "The mixture of colours which composed the scene below changed" Compare that with "sword as he speared it into a phantasmal enemy’s midriff." I know all work needs polish. This is something that ran through the sub, I think. There were some really nice lines, but I think the style and (authorial) voice are, intermittent at the moment. (page 3) - "The artefact only reacts..." - I'm on Page 3, and I'm not really grabbed by the premise or the character. I've mentioned the weakness (IMO) of the opening line and paragraph, but even three pages in I'm not grabbed by the story, or the MC. I'm not expecting the novel to open with a sword fight (please, no). Imagine me sitting in my chair: I want something to grab me, give me a good shake and make me turn those pages. I just don't feel it's there at the moment. The opening scene is two men talking. There's little tension in that opening scene. There's a bit about Ata being reviled, but I don't think it really lands, not sure the reader has enough to latch onto it. A problem I've had for a while (which I'm working on), is not giving the reader enough. There is a time for telling (in a creative way), and the opening of the story is somewhere the reader needs enough info to be gripped. Also, the artefact is not mentioned till Page 2, but it's the MacGuffin that the whole book revolves around, is it not? I'd look to get it on Page 1, up near the front, and really sell the reader on its significance, the dark portents, the implications for the world: this could change everything, it could rock the church, topple the monarchy, whatever. As noted earlier, grab the reader, drag them right into the heart of the character and his motivations. - Style: I'm not really getting much in the way of character voice. I'm looking for Ata's personality to shine through and engage me, make me interested in him. Maybe he's a bland sort of chap, without great personality, which doesn't bode that well for the story, but I'm looking to be able to feel his spirit, get the flavour of his emotions, which I'm not getting much of. The people around him are more expressive and therefore I'm paying more attention to them. Also, his motivations. I don't think they come through especially clearly. What drives him? There are hints about resenting the church, but what does he want? This is what I need wright up front: What does the M/C want (and why)? - Confusion: I think there is some confusion in small details describing the movement of the people. e.g. "reached out, snatching up a goblet before the waitress moved away" - Why would the waitress move away when someone (Ath) has requested a drink? She's going to move torwards the new guy, surely? Ata's intervention seems strange to me, illogical. - Names: Why do the names of the M/C and the chap that (later) seems about to become his sidekick, have to start with the same two letters? This is confusing and I will be likely to confuse who is speaking or acting. There's no need for it. (page 4) - "Nobody else in this LT would ever do that" - The staff would, and do, every day. The performers do. I dislike this superior, and out-of-touch fop already. - Excellent description of the woman who chimes in, and this tends to highlight other areas where the description is weak. BUT the majority issue here is that she drops a bombshell about Ata, that he's a killer, and it's completely brushed under the carpet for the rest of the chapter. This for me comes into the bracket of other things that are not really dealt with in any depth, but mentioned then skipped past: the artefact, the 'magic' system (rev--essence), now the M/C's background. I think maybe what's missing is the M/C's internal monologue, he is emotional reaction and motivation towards these various thing. We barely here his voice, his mind, at all. It's mostly dialogue which really doesn't reveal much at all about him and his motivations. - "Tell Har I've left" - Ah, now, I remember this from a previous version that I read, when Ata opened up to these two complete strangers in the bar, telling them all sorts of stuff about himself. This is not as problematic as that scene was, but still...Why would he ask a complete stranger to give a message to his mentor? It makes no sense to me, doesn't seem believable behaviour., and leads me to another theme that I trouble me. I feel there are several instance of plot convenience. This if the first one. It feels to me that it's an odd thing that happens because the plot needs it to happen. Is it there for Ata to give Ath the card (which appears later)? It feels clunky to me. - Confusion over details: "open the doors which had separated him from the city streets" - Another example of this. A theatre like this, I doubt completely, would have one set of doors straight out onto the street. Apart from anything else, I thought he was on a level up in the air, and the performers were below the level that Har was on? So, it's a long way down to the street, is it not? Or (had a quick scan back at Page 1) he's up on a higher floor, on a platform? He doesn't come down any stairs before going outside. It confused me, anyway. - Pronoun confusion: There are several instances (tagged in the LBLs) where I think the use of 'it' and 'he' create confusion about what is being described (it), or who is talking or acting (he). I think as a rule 'it' or 'he' will logically apply to the last entity named. This led me into confusion on a few occasions, mostly in scenes between Ata and Ath, and who was talking. (page 5) - "irregular vein of sunlight" - Because there was a theatrical performance going on, I assumed it was evening, this threw me for a loop? - Plot convenience: I felt his assistant being mugged was HUGELY convenient from a plot perspective. In a whole city of people, a person intimiately connected with him is mugged at the very moment that he happens to be walking close by? It felt really forced to me. Does it need to be his assistant? If it's a stranger, the whole scene is transformed into something plausible. Also, does it need to be a woman? We're verging on knight-in-shining-armour cliche territory here, I feel. BUT, maybe the problem is actually that we don't get any internal monologue (referred to above), which is important to help the reader process confusion by the MC asking questions, and maybe answering them, even if the answer is wrong. So, in this example, Ata's assistant gets mugger. This sort of thing would have helped me: 'What was she doing here? It made no sense. Had she come to find him and been waylaid? Had they kidnapped her and come to threaten him?' This is brought and ready, but just trying to illustrate my point. (page 6) - "They obeyed." - Nice line. Well done. I like how it surprised me. - "his mother's kiss" - Eh? No idea what this is about. Without context or explanation, I just have to ignore this. (page 10) - "Okay. I will help." - Annoying and presumptuous. This cements my dislike of Ath. OVERALL There is lots of interest in the story, in this version as in previous ones. I think because of the issues I had, this reads more like a later chapter than an opening one, and that it needs more depth to be compelling as a first chapter. Maybe more depth, more character, expansion of the important details and expulsion (to later chapters) of the details that don't add to the opening.

Aw, crud. I was going to skip Draft 4 and come back in at Draft 5, but some of these updates sound really interesting. I may have to reconsider my previously stated position.

CONGRATULATIONS!* (Capital letters are mandatory in this situation.) Baaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha. Sorry. I don't mean this in an unkind way, I mean it in a totally positive way, but normal just got up and left the room. My daughter is 26 and she and her husband just bought their first place after 5 months of looking during which her husband got fired, got a new job and she got promoted. There is no more normal. Kids change everything. What you are seeking now is the new normal. Best of luck!! Yay. Never give that up it's such a flexible and constantly-evolving dream, still completely valid when your knees have 'gone' (for example).

Yup

ROFL. That's fantastic. Furniture restoration, double LOL.

I am sitting looking up at that particular mountain. I've only been away from nine days, but had gritted for some days before that. Well done, you have my admiration. Yup. Awesome!! Hah-hah-ha...ha...

Lol, sign me up.