Robinski

I'm really looking forward to Week 1 of 2016 - bring it!

Yup, another good submission, I'm enjoying this story. It cracks on at a good pace, however there are quieter scene sequels, but you don’t linger too long anywhere. There are good conflicts between the main characters – seems like everyone and Connor – I think it’s clear he’s a combative personality, which is ideal. I particularly enjoyed the vying for control of the group, although I wonder if maybe that could have been foreshadowed a little more – not sure, maybe I just missed the signs. Detailed comments below. Looking forward to the next submission. --------------------------------------------------------- “an embassy from King Math” “safest in a place that we can choose” “Or are you proof against it’s its magic?” So, had Donn already decided on which hall they would go to, or does that only happen in the moment? I thought it was up for grabs before. “broken into pairs” “We might not have needed fear in the thane’s hall” – I had to reread this sentence to get the sense of ‘needed (to) fear’ – something about it tripped me up. “too afraid of being marked by some spy to venture beyond the fenced yard of the hall of the green cockerel” – this phrase seemed overcomplicated to me, and I wondered if they were actually ‘afraid’, or really just guarding against being discovered. “to go to the thane,” “Connor followed the man who had lied to him yesterday to a warehouse on the docks with wary sentries watching all around it” – It doesn’t seem very cautious to post such obvious guards outside. Does that not just attract the kind of attention Gwidyon is trying to avoid? “word that her uncle had seen old coins” “and nearly enough for dawn” – for Donn? “save for a twist of the head” I really enjoyed how you handled the appearance of Gwidyon’s spell, without particular fanfare, but just twining with the music that Donn was playing. I wondered what happened to the guards that Donn had posted outside, which I thought Connor might pay a thought to. “A man stepped through the inn door” – Is it an inn? I think it was described before as a hall. I didn’t get that the Cockerel was an abandoned inn. “and a long sword beside it” “on the wind today day” There was a comment before about lack of tension, and I can see where that comes from. It’s not uppermost in my mind when I'm reading, but Gwydion does feel a bit weak at the end of their encounter. You seem to show that he hasn’t mastered the horn yet, but I wonder if it wouldn’t up the tension if he were to try and use it here, so we can see a hint of the awesome power that he would attain if he mastered it. “tasting the bitterness that comes after a battle in his throat” – sounds like the battle is in his throat. “As he was portioning herbs an simples from his pack” - ? “then screamed when they cast it roughly to the floor” – why are they screaming? Seems an odd reaction. “This was cutthroat’s work” – This is a nice distinction between the two bands, as was Emer reaction. It does highlight for me the strangeness of the screaming when they brought the captive in. Ha-ha, and I love that Emer then puts Connor off the job. Her line there is excellent. “all out of tune with what passed (between them?)” “He heard the same” “she bent to her work” “Gwydion would sail tonight” – Are there any tide issues here? What time of day is it? I forget. It might be worth flagging these points here. “but down Donn was no longer crouched over him” “three score and ten” – I realise this is a different measure from the figure that the singer quoted for sellswords, but I found the different numbers used close together made me pause. “Gwydion has thirty swords on the docks” – what happened to the 70 swords mentioned before? “By the spear, what a fool.” – This is a direct thought of Connor’s, presumably, so I'm thinking it should be italicised? “Why else did he run after he had felled Gerri?” – question. “on your idiot craven caution” – this phrase confused me. Also, I’ve lost track of who’s line is who’s in the exchange between Donn and Connor – it’s a good feisty argument though, and it’s nice to not be sure which side is right. Often when arguments are played out in stories is pretty obvious which side the reader should be on, but I like the dubiety here. I'm not entirely convinced by Donn’s sudden failure as a leader. I don’t think we’ve had any sense so far that he was lacking in ability to command. “Their eyes met for a moment, and Connor felt the power of spirit that made Donn a mighty singer stab at him from those pale eyes, but he did not flinch or draw back. Donn must understand that he was no captain for fighting men” – I'm willing to accept this I just wonder if it’s been foreshadowed enough. “and try to slow them” – why would he do that, once he’s accepted Connor’s leadership?

Here, borrow my drum, my hand's tired from banging it since Chapter 10 ;op

Straight into the comments – summation at the end, “Optimistic much?” – I hate this type of expression, but that’s a personal issue of mine, however twice on one page had me gnashing my teeth. There is other repetition of words and phrases there too, which I found awkward and disjointed. “It’s was a sad sign when hunters are were an improvement from gun-toting mercenaries” – tense slippage, or this sentence should be italicised as his direct thought. “Of course, all it would take would be one well-placed sniper shot to prove me wrong . . . and take off my head” – suggestion: I feel the sentence is much snappier without stating the obvious at the end. I'm a firm believer that allowing the reader to make these connections is more satisfying for them, even when they are this obvious. Spelling it out tends to insult the reader’s intelligence. “At first Renfield thought he was hearing things. No, there’s definitely someone in there, Renfield he thought, nearing closing in on the voice’s location. The voice It penetrated through the wooden walls of the train cars. Renfield He put his ear to the train car nearest the source of the voices.” – I know I’ve commented on this before, but this paragraph really highlights it again. Using his name time after time sounds so awkward. Also, there’s mention of a voice, but at the, end it becomes voices. “or fry ‘em with the third rail” – I recommend researching this. I think you will only find a third rail on underground train systems, where they do not use catenaries (overhead power lines). Overland heavy rail will use overhead power lines. It’s a cost vs. safety thing. “What Why don’t we just do that?” The conversation between the goons was really not engaging or interesting. “His clothes were torn and shredded” – these are the same. “The pallid figure didn’t budge as the goon laid into Renfield Bannister with a fury of backhands” – flurry of backhands? Also, why would the prone figure still because Bannister is getting beat up? “Renfield gasped as Evelyn’s glassy eyes starred back at him, empty” – I feel this would be the first thing he would see on looking in the train car, since they must have been pointed at him from the beginning. I mean, she hasn’t moved her head. Or has she? “like an action star hero” There a lot of confused phrasing in the fight sequence here. I’ll just paste the last bit “The man dropped to his feet immediately afterward” – what? Evelyn is probably the only person he was not going to hit. “Any ideas where they took her?” Renfield eagerly leapt to the next question.” – I find some of the dialogue tags very cumbersome to read and mostly unnecessary. What does this bring to the story or the character? “we were hasty for in sending you off” “her feet dangling limply off the train car floor like that those of a rag doll” “you Renfields” – huh? “the torso of either each figure” “her bounds” – her bonds “It helped that the man was leaning right over her” “everyone needs a hobby” – lol “His hands moved further up her chest, and Stephanie had a pretty good idea what the man had in mind for his groping crescendo” – good grief, you really, really don’t need to spell that out, and also his hands are moving unrealistically slowly. It seems clear that the pace of his progress is determined by the writing, not that situation, that he could be caught at it. As usual, thankfully, the submission is full of action which propels the story forwards at a good pace and it’s fun. The characters are larger-than-life and the narrative has that tongue-in-cheek humour that I continue to enjoy. As usual, however, there is some character behaviour that fails convince me and, as usual, I find certain grammar and style elements distracting. Bring on the next submission. I am looking forward to the big, set-piece finale!

Oh, it's intentional - lol.

Ah, Origon. Well met, my friend. Well met indeed. It was a pleasure to read this again and I look forward to the rest. As it is familiar to me, and remembering my reactions to it first time around, I was fascinated to read the reactions of others. I'm particularly interested to see that Eisenheim had the same reactions as I did in terms of information overload, also rocket vs. firearms. Anyway, detailed comments below. Some of these probably mirror comments I made first time around (my comments text file, on finishing my read of Seeds of Dissolution, is dated 5 January 2014!), but hey-ho, I’ve not checked back at the content so you get a fresh reaction. It’s hard for me to tell how much my reading Seeds of Dissolution has helped with my understanding, and how much it’s any edits that you’ve done – have you edited this current version? Anyway, it’s a great read, the highlight for me being the relationship between Origon and Rilan. More please! ---------------------------------------------------------- “smelling far too overcooked” – to me, it’s overcooked or it’s not. The implication of levels of overcooking is confusing, I think. (This comment gives me a strange sense of déjà écrit ;op The transition from Origon’s thoughts about pick-pocketing to him regarding the ‘hulk’ is very sudden. There’s no approach to the thing in growing wonderment, suddenly it is just there. “The canny Methiemum had issued an open invitation to anyone and everyone to watch their grand invention.” – watch it do what? Unlike ‘see’ or ‘inspect’, ‘watch’ to me implies it’s not just to see the thing, but to watch it do something. I thought sentence sounded unfinished. Cheese – lol. Cracking rocket, Grommet. “But he didn’t think so. ” – Isn’t this part of the previous paragraph? Also, phrasing sounded odd to me. My brain wanted ‘But he didn’t think they would.’ or, ‘Not even the Methiemum would be so cravenly greedy.’ “He had just reached the front of the platform” – No surrender! “when the immense sheet dropped from the frame” – I feel as if there hasn’t been much description of the scene/setting, and the grand object itself in its shrouded form, which I thought robbed the reveal of some of its grandeur. “It gleamed in the sunlight,” – just to refer to setting again, I can presume we are in a square or plaza and that it is daytime, the sun is shining – but only by implication. “and Origon filled in the blanks in his knowledge” – suggest something like ‘His words filled in the blanks in Origon’s knowledge. For me, Origon isn’t active here, it’s the mayor. I feel Origon’s suitability for the task of piloting (?) the spacecraft is somewhat undersold. Why is his particular combination of abilities the most suitable one? “so it was not hard for one to be familiar” – for me, this phasing is awkward. I think it implies active attempts to be familiar, but it’s a passive thing really, I would have said. I'm suggesting something like, ‘so the most prominent were well known to the populous’. “Tejus was the only Methiemum of the four maji” – up on the rocket, right? “to both the House of Communication and the House of Power” – suggested for brevity and therefore pace. “he could direct the great capsule up into the sky” – as previous, I'm missing a sense of grandeur, I think. “The Sureriaj species grudgingly accepted the invention at first” – this sounds like they are the arbiters of everything, is that the intention, or is it because he is on Sureriaj? “Guns were a newer invention of the Methiemum” – why ‘newer’ and not just ‘new’? “Three shots.” I feel like there were more. The first thing he saw was a flash then there as another flash when first he turned towards the marksman. “Every person only had a certain share of the light and vibration that created the universe” – this is an awkward sentence. “Rilan was already waiting for him on the stage” – I remember commenting on this line before. Rilan appears instantaneously and the phrasing demands that the reader accept her presence without question or curiosity, although explanation does follow. I tried it in my head as ‘His friend Rilan was already waiting for him...” I don’t know. It’s probably just me. “It told less about him.” – How does it tell any less than olive and white? “Hold still! I’m a psychiatrist, not a surgeon.” – Lol, dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a literary critic! (I had to Google to ‘recall’ which episode of the Original Series you had ‘evoked’ City on the Edge of Tomorrow, of course!) “Is there to be a doctor among you?” – but there can’t be, by any reasonable standard a trained physician would have stepped, surely. “The crew were wearing” – Ah ha, an old favourite. I suppose it should be ‘crew was’, or ‘crewmen were’, technically. “by another errant bullet” – Are the bullets errant? They would be aimed at him presumably, as opposed to accidentally coming close. “the crowded amphitheater” – Back to my comment about setting. Should I actually be picturing an amphitheatre now, or is this a simile? “Even if there is a doctor in this crowd, I don’t think he’ll get here in time” – But Origon’s request was only voiced to the crew who are way up in the air on the platform. I suppose a doctor might be making his/her way from somewhere nearby. “they could make more of these capsules” – This explanation could be clearer, I think, and – Presumably they don’t need the whole rocket in future, just a landing capsule, which can be put through a portal. I felt this passage could be clearer.

Very interesting discussion. My current project, Waifs and Strays, features a magic system that is similar, but more extreme (i.e. costly - do the math). I have lingering concerns about that feature of my story however w.r.t. its marketability. Considering what's been said here, it seems to me that the greater cost makes imitative behaviour less likely. 'It' (please forgive my obliqueness) is certainly not a widespread issue in the way that scarring (self-harm) is, as far as I'm aware. Actually, Shrike has a good perspective on this, as he is reading my story, and I'd be interested to hear his thoughts on the comparison. In relation to you dilemma, Eisenheim, I wouldn't let it stop me writing the story, because I'm not a professional author, so time-is-money does not apply in my case. I presume it doesn't in yours either, or you would have an agent that would answer this question for you! On the basis then that all writing is practice, I personally would write the story. If you get the opportunity to ask an agent for advice on the matter then grab it... In fact, it might be a good (i.e. novel) 'in' for contacting an agent. 'Hey, I don't want you to read my story, but I have this interesting dilemma...'

My first thought: "My name is Robin, should I be worried?" My second thought. It's fun and light and intriguing. Slap a title on it and submit it as flash fiction. My third thought. I think you've got two decent characters that seem to have a conflict / relationship, and a hint of a setting with the germ of a story - plot the thing out and write a trilogy.

Good advice, Meandbooks. Never underestimate the considerable benefits than can be accrued by copying other people who know what they're doing - which is really all that learning is, after all. Take three (recently published) novels off your shelf. There's a good chance that they will be formatted very slightly differently, but the main rules will be clear enough. I'm doing it now... 1. In The Final Empire (Brandon Sanderson - of course!), paragraphs are intended about a 1/4 inch. It uses "double quotes" for dialogue and doesn't always take a new page for a new chapter (depending on the space remaining on the page when the last chapter ends). 2. The Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss) has the same indentation of paragraph first lines, but uses 'single quotes' for dialogue and always takes a new page for a new chapter. 3. China Mieville's Un Lun Dun has the same indentation as the other two. It puts dialogue 'single quotes'. It's chapter titles are always at the top of a new page, but the text starts a third-ish (quarter?) down the page. Absolutely THE most important thing, however, in writing a manuscript that you are going to send to a publisher, agent, proofreader, alpha/beta reader, etc. - in any source I've ever read or heard - is that it must be double spaced. No ifs, buts or maybes.

Hi there - I hope this helps. I've been writing SFF, on and off, for about 30 years, but I've only finished 4 novels, because most of that time was off! :-) These are just my own thoughts on the matter, I'm not an expert, but I've been trying for a long time.

{Look, there is actually this clone army, but I'm trying to keep it quiet so, shhhhh.} {Although come to think of it, giving all the clones that same name might have been a mistake...} {I'm surprised no-one saw how obvious it is that I have a diabolical plan by the archly villainous expression in my avatar picture.}

Commenting on the comments: "Donn may be haughty but he needs Connor and he knows it, so I wonder why they seem to be constantly butting heads here over what appear to be trivial matters of pride." - I think that's what men do, despite themselves or their goals. I had no problem with that aspect, but do agree with Shrike's 'beats' comment. I do agree with Mandamon in relation to the threat level. On reflection, Connor does seem a bit blase about the 'quest', almost thinking about how he's going to spend the money. If the enemy is so powerful, should Connor not at least consider the possibility that he might not come back? [Hey, Mand, no mention of the run-on sentences?! After the 'beating' I got?! ;op] Rohyu makes a good point about the magic system. I don't believe that everyone magic system needs to be a prescriptive as a Sandersonian one, but there's no suggestion that Donn is tiring or needs a break from time to time, let alone any greater magical cost. Also, I agree that there could be some clarity in relation to how common a skill singing is.

Welcome to Reading Excuses. I gather from your email address that we are namesakes – how strange. Small world, and all that, before we even consider that RD (Pulfer) has the same initials! Anyway, enough babbling, on to your story. It’s a bit of a tome, I'm afraid, but only because I was so engaged by the story. I enjoyed your style very much. I think that rich narrative and distinctive dialogue is hard to pull off, but for me, you pretty much nailed it. There were a couple of places where I felt it overdone a bit, overwritten. It’s difficult to strike a balance, and I think you could scale it back at some points. Is this a first or second draft? Either way, nothing was broken for me. Your description of Emer is very detailed and paints an interesting background, but I'm moved to point out that, like many male authors (myself included), you go to great lengths to paint this portrait of her, whereas the male characters get no such detail. I know that SFF has a predominantly male audience still (although narrowing, I'm sure), but it verges towards being a double standard. You go on from there to suggest that the virtue of most female soldiers is easy (that’s how I took the comment). What about the men? It’s not that I'm a raging feminist, but I find myself becoming more conscious of these things is I (rapidly) get older. Having said I enjoy the style, see my detailed comments below on the tone of the discussion between Emer and Connor. I think it is much too formal for lovers to begin with, but by the end has a much more natural and believable tone. Also, after the setup, I struggled at first with her throwing herself at him in this meeting, but I enjoyed the conflict it created, and it allowed her to control the conversation, which I think works well in the end. I think you do an excellent job of showing the power of singing via Donn’s pipes, and not just describing what spells can do. That aspect is working well for me, very effective. I really enjoyed this submission, and hope that there is (much) more to come. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I would say that I see similarities with my own style in terms of what I aim for in characterisation, but your plot / action is more direct than I tend to be (as my critics will attest! Right, guys?), so that’s good. I'm very much looking forward to reading more. -------------------------------------------- My first comment (as I read) has to be the run-on sentences. I have been chronically guilty of this in the past, although I hope I'm getting better after a couple of trusted critics intervened. “Many and enough knew...” – rather odd phrasing. I like the archaic tone, but the logic of this expression seemed lacking. Connor MacTyre – excellent name, but I'm not sure why he would be in the service of a sell-sword, whose services would usually be for hire, unless both served in the same mercenary band, and he is like an ‘assistant’ sell-sword. “His voice and had the richness and strength” - ? “you have fought and slain singers before” – You couldn’t purge the world of Justin Bieber, could you? Seriously though, this sounds a little odd, but I get the point. “King Math’s son” “and sent me (to) hunt(ing) the bastard” – alternatives, the original sounded off to me. “the fullness of Math’s gift if you take up with me” – maybe this is just the envoy’s prudishness about sell-swords, but it’s not a gift, surely, but payment / reward for a service. By the end of the first section, I like Connor as a character. He’s suitably brash and confident for a mercenary who is still alive after some time. I like the character of Donn as well. It seems to me you’ve given him more than just one dimension as a servant of his lord. He is rather fastidious and seems to look down on hired help, although he himself is such. “burning when he lifted them (to his nose)” - ? “as though he counted every step and turn of the head against his gold and found them a poor investment” – fantastic line “They can’t defend you against the song that broke these stones, and neither can I?” – not a question, I think. “You brought a deaf man hear here?” – and the next one in the same paragraph. “if the singer could read a lie in his voice” – Why could Donn not still hear a lie in Gerri’s voice? Gerri’s the one that can’t hear, after all. “Temper or not, Gerri’s a fine tracker, and no traitor. I’ll vouch for him, and you know you can trust that word, don’t you? I’ll fetch him back, and then you can tell us both what devilry you think this son of Math is up to. Your purse is heavy enough, but I won’t stick my hand into a trap for gold, not until I know the temper and the spring.” – I feel there is some repetition going on within this paragraph, but also in the preceding ones into this one, like this one is going over ground already covered. “without Gerri to back me” “He looked at Gerri and spoke slow and carefully, as if the big man were addled instead of deaf.” – suggestion. It’s more satisfying for the reader to be allowed to see these little nuggets – It’s show-don’t-tell. “He could see Donn considering it,” “He (who?) needed glory more than gold to win the hand of some king’s daughter and make himself as much a lord as his grandfather had been in Norseland. He had been was right.” – I wasn’t clear who the subject was here. At first, it could have been Donn. Also, he still is right. “I hope you will not be so craven as to refuse my service one you know what I am hunting.” This sounds like he is offering his service to them. Also, it’s not his service, but his master’s, surely. “He cut his horn from the great bull” – this phrasing sounded off to me. I would say ‘its horn’ if it’s the horn that made the rod, or ‘the horn’ if you refer it to the bull. “I’ll take your gold, strawhead.” – LOL – excellent. I think this is a strong sign of good writing, when a writer infuses secondary players with character by a simple phrase, description or act. Nice work – I like this very much. “Stronger than you have ever tasted” – how do you taste a tune? Seems like a misplaced metaphor. “How soon can you be ready, and how will your friend keep up?” – two questions. “Emer MacSvith is a warrior, what swings between her legs, but it’s not her blade I want” – the phrasing confused me. What does swing between her legs? Seems like something in the phrasing is missing. “now that his quarry had the mighty horn” – do they actually know this for a fact? I thought it was a legend, and not certain that he had it. If he does, then it must be a known fact that this mighty horn was laid in the barrow, so why has there not been a line of megalomaniacs attempting to raid the place every night for the past hundred years? “wondered if he should have demanded more” – I thought this a little odd. Connor made a request, then Donn promised a greater reward, now Connor is thinking he could have got more still? Also, I know he’s a sell-sword, but something about his manner suggests another motivation. Somehow, I'm not 100% convinced by his apparent money-grabbing mindset, as if he has a higher purpose. Dunno, not sure exactly what is niggling me on this point. “his mother was bedridden with a stubborn winter’s chill. She was as fair...” – this phrasing sounds like the mother is fair; again “...fine golden hair burned to bronze by the sun, which she wore in two long braids...” to the ear – it sounds like she wears the sun in her hair (Hmm, that sounds rather good, that’s mine! I'm using that...Ed.) [comments on description of Emer above as a main point, also...] “as were many women that fought as men” – hmm, treading on thin ice here, I thought. I presume this story is not going to pass the Bechdel Test. Also, I would say that the sentence that follows this phrase is one of the longest I have ever read on Reading Excuses, but some of mine are probably longer – not in a good way. “unless I should also so desire” – their dialogue up to and including this point, is very stilted. I think the formal tone works well between men who have never met (Connor and Donn), but not here between two people who have shared a bed. “Will there be blood?” “Maybe I should come, just to stiffen you” – fabulous line, in its context, and then you finish with Connor’s put-down, which also is excellent. I think the last few lines of their exchange go to highlight what I was trying to say about the first part. It works so much better when they are short with each other. I think variation in the tone of the dialogue would elevate the story. There’s a paragraph describing all the armour and weaponry with is just a big slab of description. After all that has gone before, I think this stands out as being a bit crude. I think it would be more effective / interesting if it was broken up. “went to sleep with his misgivings” – lovely phrase. I find there is a lack of description. You do offer something of the lay of the land, but there are other senses that I think would add depth to their surroundings. Reference to the temperature, maybe, and smell – I guess the pipes drown out all the sound.

I found the ending of the story a little strange, anticlimactic almost. Kang becomes a knight, but having lost his leg, I feel that he won’t be able to play a particularly active role in whatever knightly duties he might have. As a result, the ending felt like a downer, I thought, in part at least. I liked a lot of the conflicts in the story, especially around Kang’s father being turned, but didn’t feel much empathy with many of the characters, Kang and his father excepted. I thought the setting was well realised, although there were times you could maybe have stressed or reminded us of the cold, wintery conditions and how they made the characters feel. The creatures were handled pretty well, I thought and the big bad in the form of Mistress Cali was certainly suitably manic and controlling. I'm not sure that the druids ever felt like they would have been a threat to the wider population, like the army proper would have mopped them up easily enough. There were some surprising developments, like Kang’s father being transformed and the traitor in their midst. All-in-all, pretty enjoyable without blowing my socks off. Thank you for submitting. Detailed comments below, mostly typos. ---------------------------------------------- “It’s okay, if I can’t handle the essence then I will slaughter all the people who helped me try to escape” – how is this okay? “The other satyr’s club” “four paces away” “the satyr’s shoulder” “My body is suffused” “drops to the ground and rolls” “into its head” “seizing its prey chest (?) with my hands” – What’s a prey chest, and the last part is redundant, how else can he seize it? “as small fires spreading across the creature’s body” “a predator rises up” “from the hunter’s face” “where an antlerless-antlered prey” – awkward phrasing. I think I know what you mean, but tripped me up for a second or two. “bear her to the glacier, pinning her body” “The pack leader’s screams echo / reverberate within me and a chorus of images clouds my vision” “A shrike shriek of agony” “The feathers on the creature’s right shoulder are marred with burns” “The feathered predator’s other talon” “feathers and flesh blacken to ash and fall away” “The shirking shrieking creature twists”...etc. “It’s over” “I easily side step the old hunter” – Why does he do this, when he’s killed everything else in front of him? It doesn’t seem logical, but like a story device the keep the character alive. “I curl in to a ball and slowly sinking into the ice” The word is “olemus”, right? Are all the different spellings meant to be a device, or are they just mistakes? They look like mistakes. “looking for the reaming remaining warlock” “the newest knight of House Merikhiv” “I almost chock choke on the water” “before gathering her robe and leaves” – reads like there are leaves scattered around the room and she’s collecting them up. “Do you here hear that father” “A tear runs down my eye cheek” “The blanket lays lies oddly flat”

Again, good action and progress, but some details and questions. I felt a bit underwhelmed by the battle. I didn’t feel much threat at all, which is fair enough I suppose if it’s a routine encounter, but it wasn’t presented that way in the beginning. Also, there was quite a bit of description in the battle scene which robbed it of urgency, I thought, although I do like the descriptions of all the 'aliens' in the story - I get a nice feeling of supernatural grandeur from those. Finally, a couple of reactions from Hellas that felt odd to me. Looking forward to the next submission. ------------------------------------- “black powder from his face” This lava is very close to the surface, I'm not sure how it doesn’t burst through of its own accord. Hmm, the 18th Sphere, sounds awfully similar to the 17th Shard. “a rune the colour of flesh flashed on his forehead” – I know Scrios is not human, but I couldn’t help thinking that a rune the colour of flesh would be invisible on his forehead! “grown faster than” I was not at all sure of the time frame of this first section. Because of the training theme, I thought it might be a flashback to a time when Hellas was learning his skills. “a small, running river” – what other kind of river is there? Seemed redundant to me. “As he slept, the restriction bracelet clicked open and slid off his wrist” – I’ve forgotten what this is. It stops him returning to heaven? One of the difficulties with the flashback / dream is that it contains quite a lot of exposition describing and naming characters. I don’t mind it overly, as I’ve forgotten these details since I last read it, but I think it would aid the impact if the repeated scene was punchier/ shorter/ more poetic or epic/ portentous/ grander/ less casual. When was this blackout? I'm a bit confused. “The rest of Heaven doesn’t deserve to suffer just because its it’s being run by idiots, does it do they?” or ‘The inhabitants of Heaven don’t deserve to suffer because they...etc.’ “‘Thanks,’ Hellas replied with an earnest smile. ‘You too.’” – I think this line is boring enough to be cut. “mobilisation siren blaring like an air raid alarm” – I think the simile is unnecessary, we know what a siren sounds like “‘The First, Second, Seventh and Eighth Companies and the Steel Hawks.’ Hellas pursed his lips.” – the tag here should be on the next sentence, as it’s Michael who is speaking “I never do, you dolt, he thought” – another example of Hellas being a dick (i.e. unlikeable). Michael made a perfectly reasonable comment “Expecting trouble, sir?’ the Announcer asked, frowning confusedly” – I'm confused too, they’ve already got trouble, surely “Their dark grey armour, sleek helmets and crimson cloaks were designed to instill terror” – I don’t get how their armour is any more terrifying than the rest that you have described Another thing about the army description, there’s lots about what they are wearing, but I don’t know how many of them there are. Ah, there it is. I think the number being up front would help with visualisation during the description. Repetition of ‘monstrosities’ page 11. There’s a lot of description and background here in a fairly large lump. I felt it drained the tension out of the situation and I skipped over the second half to the next dialogue. “A shout echoed on the ground and the troops started moving. The Second Company moved to the front of the formation, taking up positions between the rocky projections” – I'm a bit disoriented here. I'm not sure which troops start moving. Also, Hellas is up in the air on a rocky outcrop, where are all his men, are they on the ground? How can’t the enemy see them? “The signal arranged itself into the shape of a skull” – I instantly thought of the black mark from Harry Potter. “Without you we would have had to mobilise half the Host to beat them back. We could have lost a lot of good people today.” – If they had mobilised more soldiers, could they not have won more easily and with lower losses? I don’t know. “All part of the service” – This is a very modern and rather snide comment, flippant in the face of having lost many comrades in arms. Hellas continues to be unlikable. “I’m the only one here who hasn’t killed any Fallen today” – I thought he was using offensive magic – did he only stand up on a rock and throw signals around? “Probably nothing” - !!!! He remarks on how unprecedented this is, for a berserker to talk, then dismisses it? Seems bizarre.

It's one of the the best feelings in the world, isn't it? Probably a sad indictment of how reliant on technology we have become. Still, yay!!!

Detail below, but I was very frustrated with parts of this submission. This first chapter was okay – good to see Irving fighting with his conscience, but second chapter was VERY ANNOYING!!!! Renfield’s escape was a farce. Got a prisoner? TIE HIM UP! Ludicrous – the hunters have been stupid hacks throughout. And you can’t hotwire modern cars, not possible, can’t do it, coded ignition, steering column lock, etc. I enjoyed the confrontation between Renfield and Stephanie, but I did have some issues with it. There were things revealed that I did not understand. I felt like there were things coming out that had not been foreshadowed. I stopped commenting on most typo issues a while back, but for the avoidance of doubt, they’re still there ;o) Good progress of the story. It really feels like we’re getting to the sharp end. I do struggle a bit with Irving’s grand plan. Who knows what I would be like in that situation, but his judgement and his logic seem shaky, and he seems so logical and controlled to believe that any dealing with Father of Lies can have a good outcome. Keep it coming! ------------------------------------------------------------ We seem to be in Irving’s pov, but he can hear Stephanie’s ramblings before he gets out of his car? Didn’t seem right to me. “at least it seems the Buyer has that effect on everyone” – lol “He thought for a moment.” – Statements like this are effectively padding. If you skip it (them) and go straight to the next sentence, no-one would feel any different. “Perhaps he felt killing something would make him feel more like a hunter again, and less like a traitor” – good line, this is the kind of complex internal thought process that I find makes a character really engaging. Irving’s is the clearest internal conflict. Stephanie doesn’t really have one, and Renfield’s isn’t all that clear, I think. “I’m not doing this for my livelihood” – this is Irving’s answer to the buyer mentioning him living to 100 years old – did you mean longevity? “Perhaps a small part of him wanted Stephanie to escape, thus ending the Scholomance before it started” – I think a reminder of what the scholomance is would be good around here. I can’t remember what’s going to happen and why Stephanie is required. Might be Weekly Reader Syndrome. The scholomance is going to create a new Dracula, or rebirth the old one? Stephanie is the only person who can read the scroll? Sorry, it’s just my ageing brain being incapable of reading 4 stories at once. “If only the Devil taught on Udemy” – I don’t know what this means, and I don’t think I should need to G**gle something to understand the story. “Stephanie was stabbed to a gurney” – strapped, right? “more of a father than Stephen was had been, disappearing on her his daughter to chase this lead or that lead all over the seven continents” – Steph’s father is dead, right? “He saw her smile . . . the small one he she gave her him right before he left” – I think “one more person’s death die on my conscience” “which inside in this case resided beneath the oak desk” “the room was illuminated in a bright blast of light, blinding the hunters” – I don’t buy this. The room would have sufficient lighting for normal levels of comfort, surely. Switching on a central light is not going to blind anyone – and how are they seeing to beat him up? If they have goggles, then how can he see what they are doing? This scene doesn’t hang together. “Thankfully, it was like riding a bike” – I don’t think this is credible. Modern cars are not like those in the 60’s / 70’s / 80’s. I don’t believe you can hotwire them. This all feels far, far too easy. These hunters are complete idiots. Why was Renfield not tied up? “without any need of a key” – impossible, modern vehicles have coded ignitions that can only be operated with the key. I'm looking forward to this meeting between Steph and Irving... “The whole room lunged” – this makes the room sound sentient – lurched? Repetition of ‘resembling’ is weird. “And not once did you think of using that to help her” – Hmm, interesting. I'm thinking, why would he expect anyone else to think of this when he knows it’s wrong, and is having conscience issues with it? “All I see are two chumps” – lol “You’d be surprised how much one is willing to pay from class from Professor Satan” – really though? I struggle with this. “And some probably are well-groomed to think it’s a risk” – I don’t get the meaning of this. “wheels searing smoothly” - ?? “You are the Solomonari. You are the missing piece...” – did we get any hints at this? Maybe I missed them, but this seems to come from nowhere – it’s probably just me being dense. “Stephanie waited a few more moments and then opened her eyes” – When she has seen the scroll before, she has been out for some considerable time. Is she playacting here? I don’t get it – it doesn’t seem consistent. “she wasn’t going to fall for it twice” – but how does she control it this time? There’s no explanation.

Nooooooooo!!! That's h*llish - so sorry to hear that. Word is pretty good at keeping temp files - I had this issue a couple of weeks back when we had a powercut and our PC's all shut down instantly. When re-powered, Word offered the Autosaved version from 10 minutes before the crash - I hope it works like this for you, Kam.

Some detailed comments, below. I didn’t bother with the typos, sorry, there were only a couple that I saw. “gave a stern look of disapproval that needed no words to explain” – this seems like quite a lot of words for something that doesn’t need them ;o) “weaving with expert precision in between adults in silk robes and the wares they were trying to sell with expert precision” – otherwise the adults are being meticulous about their vending techniques “ignored the stares and the looks” and “a dozen tiny thorns and barbs” – you have a tendency (so far) to use two words where one would do – something that I'm prone to myself “her friend’s name” – there’s only one friend, right? I like Kimerak as a character from the off. Not obviously good or evil, despite the overtones of her description and the conditions of her appearance, and her dialogue is gloriously malevolent, and yet with a twinge of sympathy. To sum up, I love it, love it, love it. There’s a lovely gentle tone to this submission that very nicely captures the child’s perspective. Nothing is evil, bitter or gritty, there is joy and uncertainty, and a wonderful childlike openness to everything around the protagonist. It’s very satisfying when so many stories (not just on here) contain brutal violence and knowing cynicism (i.e. like the real world). I read your prologue back in July, and liked that a good deal. I didn’t go back to it before I read this, and I'm glad I didn’t although I still remember the chain of events. I couldn’t really answer the question (I asked myself) of whether you need a prologue without reading it again. There isn’t an awful lot of description or scene-setting, but I didn’t feel that lacking, I was happy to picture a small lake, a market being set up, etc. for myself and didn’t feel a need for small details, because the characters very nicely held my attention. 1) Time shift: “Eight, Nine, Ten! Naiyu opened her eyes and squealed with delight.” – This first line of Chapter 1 is all you need – I think. It spells out immediately that we’re dealing with a child here. I think you’ve cracked that one. 2) Tone shift: It worked for me. 3) Typos: Sorry, I didn’t flag them, but there are a couple of wrong words. Nothing that I felt the need to bop with the Grammar Stick. 4) Characterisation: Child Naiyu – spot one; Kimerak – excellent; Inah – okay, didn’t really take a strong impression away, but definitely got playful spirit, more from Inah’s actions. A softer, more neutral charater(s) is probably no bad thing, rather than everyone being interesting and vital and catching the reader’s attention. Every story needs NPCs! 5) Promises: Interesting one. Clearly, something is going to go wrong, and as I mean as a result of Chapter 1 events, since it’s already gone very wrong for Naiyu in the prologue!! Are you promising Kimerak is evil? I don’t know that you are, but there’s definitely strong suspicion. Not sure there’s a lot else at this point, that I got. I'm very much looking forward to reading more of your story. (p.s. - I like Rohyu's comments about how well you showed-not-told, and that Kaiyu was maybe a little quick to taste the blood (on reflection) - just a tad, a smidgen, like maybe 4 or 5 words-worth.)

Hellas, until you get to about 6 / 7 weeks in a row, you can't even see that guy in the distance! :-)

Arrgghh, I don't know. My wife and I had an argument about it. I don't know if he is too evil. I go back to my point about peoples' reaction to him, the cops, etc. and the anonymity of the people he kills. I don't think you necessarily need to compromise your idea by making him guilty at this early stage. If he's psychopathic, maybe he never becomes guilty - although I guess Lucifer might just decide the remove all his protective neuroses... I'm still interested, just skeptical :-)

Ah... In that case, this negates a later comment of mine, as you will see!