Robinski

Great - thank you Rohyu. That sentence is definitely two or three smaller ones in disguise - I will fix that. Glad the fight worked, and you are not the only person (by far!) to comment on the passge about Ahma's day. The shears are out. Thanks again, R

Just for the record - definitely not dumb ;-)

Seems like a slow week - I'd like to submit tomorrow if possible. Chapter 3 of Waifs and Strays.

Great comments, thanks Kammererite. Good spot on the card-playing men. I wouldn't want the reader to have to concentrate on (or be distracted by) how many of them there were, so I will simplify / correct that. Summers' dreaming: another good point - that's the sort I like to think I would pick myself, so I will definitely tidy it up. As to Ahma's father, again, this is a great spot. It does sound like he physically gave her the book, which was not my intention. I think I'll go with "book her father left her" or similar. In fact, no, I think it would be more poignant if he left it for her mother, and Lina (her mother) gave it to Ahma. I think there's something a little bit 'heartbreaking' in a secondhand gift like that. I've said before that Ahma needs tuning (at least). I love that she gets a strong reaction. I feel that gives me emotion to (try to) harness, but there's a danger of going too far. I am learning so much (still) from all the critiques I've had on the story that I'm going to have lots of great thoughts to work with in the Edit. Thank you again, Kam, great stuff.

Hmm, this is one of those stories that make me feel dumb, like I should know what’s going on, understand the root process that is behind the story, but I'm afraid I can’t bring it to mind or readily decipher it from the story. I can see that there are two threads (alternative paths). I found them a little hard to differentiate towards the end. I think maybe I stopped concentrating on which character was walking and which was riding in the taxi. Perhaps it was because the passenger was out of the taxi at the end. It’s intriguing, and makes me think about the themes after reading the story but, like I said, I ended up feeling like I had fallen short. I’ve spent some time thinking about Shrodinger’s Cat too, with similar results. It’s well written, without a doubt, but I would expect no less. A couple of quibbles along the way, but only one that I was bothered enough about to mention... Page 3 – “a ready supply of currency from my account” I think. I guess my final verdict is – enjoyable, but... ------------------------------------- Some commentary on the comments: 1 – “interface” bugged me too. There was nothing even slightly SF in the setting. Why not just say ‘phone’? 2 – Interesting point from Shrike about one day making the other choice. Isn’t the point that the character does make both choices? 3 – I wanted the story to be called ‘Quantum Pants’. 4 – The return to the interface thing, I have to disagree with Rohyu, I don’t think the wording is cool, I think it’s the only part of the narrative that disrupts the reader’s progress. p.s. Sorry for late critique.

Thank you once more, more really useful comments. I agree there is a danger of me over-editing Ahma, you did the right thing to highlight that, and that I should certainly wait for reactions to her whole ark, but some of what you say is minor stuff that can be fixed without affecting her character, I reckon. The point about showing why she acts the way she does (the list of questions) is a very good one, and something I need to improve at. My other characters will need some of the same treatment, I think. Your comments are very constructive, and have given me a push to finish the story. I need to get done by end October if I'm to enter Nanowrimo, and this is good motivation. I just happen to be writing an Ahma scene just know, in Chapter 31.

Good luck to you too. Must say I've heard that 'next semester should be easier' line before ;o)

Tai-Chi Panda

So sorry!

Interestingly, having re-skimmed this week's submission, Benam also make a reference to 20 years ago. I don't want to create confusion or dilute the historical perspective. I'll see what other comments I get, but I'll pay attention to this in the edit. Thanks :-)

Wow, thank you Sera, really great feedback. No need to apologise for the length, the more the merrier. Promises: At the risk of being spoilerific, there isn't much wrong with your assessment of promises. There is one which I am toiling a bit with keeping, but that doesn't mean I didn't make it of course. Style: slow pacing is something that I tend towards. This story has been through a writing group, but not edited before re-submission here. I'm glad you see the point of recounting some of Ahma's stuff, but I need to do that in an enjoyable way for the reader. You make some good suggestions there - thank you. I totally accept your point about not 'delivering' Ahma's feelings on the matter. This is something I am guilty of elsewhere along the way. I am not averse to a bit of telling. MRK references its usefulness in a couple of WE podcasts, and I am happy to accept DW's view that the complete absence of particular techniques (e.g. passive voice, but equally applicable to telling, I think) is, in itself, strange. Everything in moderation, as the saying goes. I think you are not alone in having an issue with the ending of this section. I have had a call to include Benam's fight with the Kingsmen but, that aside, I take your point about the problem with the transition and lack of blocking in them returning to the common room. I can fix that. Sentences: excellent point very well made. I plead guilty but, in mitigation, I will say it's a first draft. I like to think I would catch this sort of sentence in the edit, but that's not to say there aren't similar complex sentences that I would consider satisfactory. I will pay closer attention to sentence structure though, because I do agree with what you say. Characters: [Ahma] - as I've alluded to (or maybe outright stated), she is the character that presents the most issues, and you have very ably highlighted several of them, certainly the central one. My initial rationale for Ahma was much more active, providing a common person's perspective on events, but because there are several p.o.v.s, she suffers by comparison. It takes a long for her to get where she is going and this is something I need to address. I just re-read the section you refer to, and Ahma certainly is crude (I was going for harsh, but I see how it does both). My intention was to show Ahma's attitude to men, derived from her absent father, but mixed with affection for Benam, although perhaps she is not willing to fully acknowledge it, or it's true nature. I could rein it in. I suspect I was having too much fun. It was also in part to engender sympathy for Benam, but maybe it doesn't work. I've had a range of reactions. I do feel that I can tune this section better to fit with her rationale and her background (which itself needs a little tuning, I think). [benam] - excellent, mission accomplished. [Covelle] - double excellent. I am pleased about that. Over the course of the next 27 chapters (I think I have may 3 or 4 to go), I think I have lost my grip on Covelle's character a bit, and need to adjust some reaction later, but I should not be making that kind of comment now. Superb comments, thank you Sera. I really appreciate them. You've uncovered some points that I haven't had in previous critiques, and given some enlightening comments on things that I knew were difficulties, but not quite had a handle on how to tackle.

So, here is the second chapter. If you have a chance to read it, any comments that you have would be very much appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

Yes, weren't they just? :-) She is one of the top three issues that I will have in the edit, but I'm starting to see how she 'plays through' to the end. I also feel like I've taken my foot of the gas with Covelle during the course of proceedings.

Thank you Kammererite, your comments are very much appreciated. See above in my first paragraph to Molah. There's no such thing as late to this party! You've very thoroughly answered my questions, which is excellent,and a definitely picking up on the things that I would have hoped you would. Ahma is, almost without doubt - and I think I've had about 10 critiques now (although this version of the opening is modified from the last one) - and she is universally the character who attracts the most comment. I can also say pretty confidently that she is everyone's least favourite. Your point about being unconvinced about her fleeing is well made. I think your right. She probably should stand up to the three boors. I expect I will rethink that. The scene itself is a new addition, and not tuned correctly yet. In truth, at Chapter 29, I'm still not sure quite where Ahma is going, so I think she will be subject to revision (or excision?). No to your other comments: Enemy commander - fair point. I'll rethink that. Rapier - good point, I think it's just a case of tuning his use of the weapon, it doesn't play a big part. Ghintor - ah, okay, he is very much the harbourmaster, I shall review that. Rumours - okey dokey, I'll add a reference to the second occurrence. Time gap - hmm. I think it was just a general comment from Covelle, rather than one intended to be historically accurate. To drill into it further, the implication is that Benam was still at his peak 10 years after the Therac invasion, i.e. 20 years ago. Does that make sense, or would you be unlikely to see it that way? 3 paras, Page 25 - I see what you mean. Reading it again, that bit is rather loose, and there is certainly one word missing. I'll call first draft privileges and I'll fix in the edit. Great comments, Karmmererite - thank you again.

Rohyu, please don't be concerned about 'late' feedback - I've been writing this for almost a year, so (from my perspective) a few days either way is really not a problem. I really appreciate your feedback. The fact that these characters are working for you, at least in their early stages, is really reassuring. You've given me some excellent comments on promises that I've made. There is one in particular that I have really fluffed (or have I...?, lol). You are right about the second sentence, but if it's not clear I should tweak it to make it so. I really appreciate your comments - thank you. I'm now in two minds about submitting that fight scene I referred to in the posting thread.

Troy? No, that's not right. It wasn't the king who stole Helen. Or was it, and then Orloondo Bland 'stole' her from the king?

I'd like to submit on Monday, please. The two who commented on my Prologue and Chapter 1 last week both have the Alpha Readers link, so I would like to try something slightly different. I'd like to submit a fight scene that I've just written, if there's anyone to read it! It'll be spoilerific for anyone reading 'Waifs and Strays' from the beginning (only very slight really, but Shrike and Molah may wish to give it a miss). I'll be seeking (if I can submit) comments purely on the content of the fight - not anything story related.

Just finished 'Moxy Land' by Lauren Beukes. It has a glowing quote from William Gibson on the cover if cyberpunk is your thang. I enjoyed it. It's first person, but has four (count them) POV characters. Actually worked quite well, I thought. The problem is, of course, that the reader immediately develops favourite POVs and least favourites, but I was happy enough with 3 of the 4, and understood why the 4th one had to be there. Her book 'Zoo City' won the Arthur Clarke award. I am also looking at 'American Gods' on my shelf, but think I will read 'Rogues' next, as I'm planning to write some short fiction(s) for Nanowrimo this year.

Too bad I didn't say 'track' then

So, did I get 15 with my substitute of Norwegian, or am I one short? In case it's my go (I'm never exactly sure how this works) - I'll put a question in a spoiler. WLIU:

Man, this is too much like homework. I know squat about languages, but here goes: English French Spanish Portuguese German Flemish Dutch Romansh Italian Greek Russian Swedish Hungarian Czech Basque (dialect?) - suppose I'll sub Norwegian in case I already don't like some on this list!

Manchester?

Yes, yes - Porcupine Tree? (Okay, not metal, but progy as heck.) If I'm going to listen to any album called Year Zero it will, without fail, be the incomparable Nine Inch Nails. At this moment, however, I am mostly listening to Blur - The Magic Whip (rock-tastic fun, pop-pickers!!).

X-Files Episode 2 - the great re-watch (2nd Edition) is in its infancy, but going well so far (Scully is toooooo dreamy - sigh).

We'd be very pleased to review whatever you have. We read all sorts of submissions, some clearly hot off the press without any polishing or revision. It might help put a finger on your difficultly if we were looking at the raw material. As Shrik said, we most certainly don't bite, but I trust you would get an honest and hopefuly useful reaction and comments about the specific issues you're concerned about. Whatever you think. As I suggested, why not try critiquing before you submit (which is the usual way of RE in any case).