Robinski

I must agree with Mandamon entirely. I have to ask what the message of this story is. It seems to be that killing is fine as long as the killer believes it's justified - which is a shockingly dangerous message in the world that we live in, and a terribly sad indication of what our society is becoming. If that is not the message, and I really hope it isn't, then I think you need to show that very early on or many readers will put the book down. Breaking Bad

Another challenging couple of chapters. The conclusion of Chapter 2 seems very convenient. No doubt there will be more to it, but I feel like I'm being asked to accept that justified killing is good and that I can play along with the main character being allowed to indulge his love of bludgeoning people to death, which is hardly humane, regardless of how one feels about the death penalty. I feel increasingly uncomfortable with where the story is going at this point. Nobody should want to do this job and the targets of his murderous violence are completely dehumanised. Protagonist deals with the subject of abuse in a very offhand way. I can see how that might be a part of his make-up, perhaps trying to deny or suppress it. I can’t help feeling it’s another convenient justification / excuse for the reader to accept his right to kill people. I'm still not comfortable with that. Regardless of whether I buy in to Protagonist’s horrible background justifying his actions, there’s just no way I can like him, or be comfortable with accepting his right to kill people. I don’t want to read a story that is just full of him killing people and being absolved for it by Lucifer. Where’s the light, where’s the enjoyment for the reader? In the last section, I think I’ve put my finger on the thing that troubles me the most. Almost everyone around him supports what he is doing, encourages it. “People began to cheer” as he knifes the mall shooter; his mother being proud of him and his brother supporting him. It’s a horrible vision of a society that accepts murder and retribution as commonplace. No one seems to be shocked by any of this. I asked myself how it was different from my current story, in which there is killing aplenty. I think it’s because there are two sides at war, or certainly a conflict between an occupying army and the residents of a town. There is some casual killing, and I’ve been called on it by at least one critic, but reading your submissions has underlined why I need to change that scene at least. I'm sort of morbidly curious to see where your story is going, but I'm concerned that no-one is going to challenge what the protagonist is doing, and I find it hard to accept that. ---------------------------------------------------- “wanted to know more than everything about what happened” - ?? “he kept shooting me and the makeup kit on my coffee table doubtful, yet polite, looks” – strange phrasing – awkward. “though everyone but Anthon believed it was, in fact, 100% an accident” – I have a big issue with including numbers in prose. There was a mention in the previous submission of someone saying something ‘3 times’ or something like that. This is not a text book or technical paper. I don’t recall ever seeing numbers in prose fiction. “I now realized I overestimated my ability to control my facial expressions” – “but the detective raised an eyebrow” – you’re not referring to him by name, this is just any detective, not Detective Anthon. “I shook my head again, trying to look confused” – I don’t need to try, I'm completely confused – who is this girl breaking into places? I find it strange that they would leave him to see a neurologist under his own steam. I'm not convinced that this would happen. “Ten 10 minutes later” “textile evidence” – tactile? “I decided to assume I wasn't hallucinating for now” – but he has proof he’s not hallucinating, the cops didn’t see any of it. “all the people I'd killed” – isn’t it still two people at this point? Should I know what a Genesis is? “about 5 five million dollars in our bank account” – life insurance, presumably? “the service I provided for the world” – which the world does not want, because we have ways of dealing with those people “Daryl had Down syndrome” – I think this is the first specific mention of DS. You mentioned his disability, of course, but I think this detail should come earlier. Who is Michael? I like the juxtaposition of their characters dying in the videogame with their discussion about the protagonist killing people in real life. “Most Dad's dads would get tired” “I think Mom would tell me to do it” – I'm continuing to sway between being intrigued by the internal debate going on and how hard Protagonist tries to convince himself, and thinking that it’s all terribly convenient that these bad things happened to him. I'm confused. I thought he shot the cop who killed his mom, wasn’t that Arnold?

Detailed comments below, however in summary, I am interested by the story, if not bowled over. There are some nice snappy lines and decent reveals. I enjoyed the way that the appearance of Lucifer was handled – low key, without making a big deal about it, which I thought was good. I interested to see where things go, and have another submission to read :-) ------------------------------------------------------------ “hid in my parents’ closet” – possessive “If Dad couldn't stop the intruder we were stormed” – I like the punch of the swear here. I implies quite a bit about the character. In general, I think this introduction is well done, it seems to put us in age bracket, setting, era, etc. very economically. “If the intruder had broken in” – it’s in the past already. I wonder how often he would have heard his dad scream. The phrasing implies he has several times, which I thought was odd. The line “I think he would have laughed about it” is neat. I’ve never read any John Cleaver stuff, but from listening to Dan talking about it on WE, this is exactly the kind of line I would expect from the character, detached an apparently uncaring. “jewelry in my parents’ bedroom” “telling the difference between his actual problems and Mom's coddling was impossible” – ouch, okay, another tough line, but I don’t object, the guy’s character is consistent “leveled the gun at the cremhole’s face” – okay, possessives are a big issue it seems! :-) “The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped” – I found the sense of this statement awkward. My first thought was that the trigger was stiff, then I thought ‘easier than expected’, but I realised that wasn’t the sense you were going for (I think). I wonder if you would get more impact by turning the phrasing around, like ‘I had hoped it would be harder to pull the trigger.’ “took the pulse of the dead guy” – can he take the pulse if it’s not there? “The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped.” – I like this line to close on, shocking, but inevitable from what we’ve seen. I was tender up waiting for it to happen. The thing that bothered me is the jump from him hugging his family and pulling the trigger. I would have like a short line to show him snatching up his gun before the last line. “ever so eloquently from his breast pocket” – ‘elegantly’? eloquence being to do with talking. “Asking something that magically appeared” – someone? “I avoided the temptation to correct her grammar” – I would beware of comments like this. The grammar we are hearing in protagonist’s head is far from flawless.

I don't get it - what is that obvious of?

One of these weeks, I'll just stop commenting and just 'like' Mandamon's...

Detailed comments below, of which there are many – sorry! It’s because I was so engaged with the story and your writing style, which I enjoy, but I do have some concerns. My main problem is that we don’t get to understand why Hellas is being banished until very late in Chapter 2 and when we do, my sympathy for him evaporated. I don’t think you’ve explained (shown) why we should sympathise with him, why he is tragic and not just self-obsessed, whiny and indulgent. By the same token, we don’t get the chance at the beginning to dislike him, which would be equally acceptable, because we don’t get a clear view of the reason for his situation. In other news, I very much enjoy your writing style. I think the care that you’ve taken in constructing the prose is clear. I like the expressive passages, the description, the setting and the characters (largely), however I think the protagonist needs work. Detailed comments below. Looking forward to your next submission! ---------------------------------------------------------- I like the introduction, very effective, and then picked up easily from where the prologue left off. I found your description of the setting, which painted an impressive picture for me. In this first page or so, I already have a much better (clearer) impression of the omnipotence of God as expressed through the surroundings far more effectively than in the prologue. I'm surprised to find that Elohim is a Forger, but more so that he is an archangel. I thought he would be above all that, as God, a being above the rest of the categories. “His staff, once the symbol of his great skill as a Forger was missing” – hmm, interesting... “Even at this hour…” – repetition of ‘even’ in close proximity Interesting choice to repeat the text from the first dream before continuing, I'm in two minds. It’s only five pages ago when we read it first, so it’s still fresh in my mind, to the point that I wonder if it wouldn’t be more effective to skip straight to the new bit of the dream, or only have a couple of lines of repetition. I like the dream sequence, but I am having one issue. There is a lot of new information in these first pages. One set would be fine, but we are getting two separate streams of names and events, one in the present and one in the dream. It’s a fair bit to contend with and is starting to get info-dumpy here in the dream. I do like the mixing of tenses, one in the present, another in the dream. “He sat himself up against the wall,” – this is a thing – ‘himself’ is redundant, I think this is the second time you’ve used it. I like that you go straight into the trial very quickly, out early, in late – nice. “found guilty of your crimes” – I'm not clear on what his crimes are. There was a brief curtailed list earlier on, but it wasn’t really explained. “prepared himself to leave” – again. I think without it, the prose is more immediate and flows better. The appearance of the sprite puzzles me. Up to now, the mythology has been very much religious in tone and grounded in biblical themes, but the sprite seems completely separate from that. I found it quite jarring. Also, for me, it changed the tone of the story in one fell swoop from being a serious and epic fantasy to something altogether softer and ‘younger’. “protest against the treatment of their commander” – I don’t know how to feel about this, because I don’t know what he actually did. “the portal between Heaven and the Middle Kingdom” – this seems like another unexpected oriental reference. “Good luck out their sir” – there. “He heard the tides lapping softly” – waves, surely. I like your description of Hellas’ arrival in the Middle Kingdom, nice imagery, nicely written. “Hellas confidently strolled…” – when it comes to grammar, I'm a boring traditionalist. I know that popular thinking increasingly challenges these grammatical ‘rules’, but I honestly believe that comes from people who can’t be bothered to learn or take the time to write properly. Hence, I raise the matter of split infinitives, such as the above, vs. ‘Hellas strolled confidently...” Do I come across as a pompous arse? Probably. Do I give sh1t? No :-) I love the dryads. Up until the dragon spirit appeared, the tone of the story was dark and quite gritty (I thought), and I commented above on the dragon being a surprise. It felt like a twist into Pokemon / Manga territory. However, you handle the childlike dryads very well, I thought, a lovely fairytale note. I'm now thinking heaven is a miserable, depressing place and the Middle Kingdom is full of wonder and simple pleasure. Why would Hellas want to be anywhere else? “rushed through the forest floor” – sounds like they’re going underground “As they walked, small spheres” – I thought they were rushing. “taking a thousand different forms” – This implies there are thousands of dryads, but I don’t get that impression from the description. Again, love the dryads and their transparent, childlike emotional range with which Scrios’ fatherly voice fits perfectly, of course. “What have you achieved with this childish crusade of yours?” – We still don’t know what exactly he has done, what form his rebellion takes – which I think is an omission. “You spend more time out of Heaven than in it, and every second you are away is another second the Host can’t protect the city” – I like the first part of this thought, but I struggle to accept that the host would do nothing in his absence if Heaven was attacked, it’s a real black mark against their character. “It’ll end with Lucifer in the Temple and Abaddon rampaging across the Middle Kingdom” – How does this follow? I don’t get it. “Illegal possession of alcohol and unethical interactions with criminal elements” – I feel that this reveal comes much too late. Up to this point, I’ve been thinking that Hellas is pursuing some noble cause, because that is how it’s painted. I think that the story, up to this point, invites the reader to feel sympathy with Hellas’ plight, but now we learn that he does not deserve that sympathy. I feel like the story has misled me. I wonder why we didn’t just see Hellas roaring drunk when they arrested him. That way, we could spend the time wondering how had fallen so low. I do like the introduction of ‘she’ – that’s a nice mystery to contemplate. “You’d be knee deep in drink too if you’d been what I’ve been through” – this sounds whiny to me. Depending on the circumstances, I could feel sympathy for Hellas, but not if he goes around whining at people about how unfortunate he is. I don’t believe that heroes do that. “Scrios could empathise with the boy; he had felt the same pain long ago, and even the span of centuries had done little to ease it” – We’ve fallen into Scrios’ pov here, but I'm sure we’ve been in Hellas’ up to now. “stared pointlessly into the dark” – not sure ‘pointlessly’ is the word. “her final, parting message” – Not sure it’s her final parting message, surely you can only have one parting message. It read awkwardly to me.

lol - good grammar is it's own reward ;op

What, what?!?! You mean we're going to have an interruption in the flow of Scholomancer? I thought you'd finished? Who do you think you are, George (RR) Martin?

Like rohyu, I liked the reveal of the Buyer. I wasn't trying to puzzle it out beforehand, but <spoiler> was a satisfying choice. Was <spoiler> surprising-yet-inevitable? I think <spoiler> probably was, but I like the little details you used to tie it back in to stuff that had gone before.

Detailed comments below. Strangely, this week I had most issues with lighting levels and what time of day/night it is, but there are various details that bothered me or seemed incorrect/confusing. Proportionally more comments to the length of the submission!! : o ) In summary though, decent amount of action/movement and progression of the story. I like that Renfield is separated from his former companions, and that different characters are being put together so we can see what happens. Still looking forward to the next submission. Thoughts that come to mind. I'm not sure how close to the end we are, but I sense we’re not all that far away. At 2,500 words per chapter (my guesstimate), we’re about 110,000 words, and I’d be surprised if the story runs beyond 130k / 140k(?). There’s been a reasonable amount of sexual tension between Stephanie and Renfield (from his side anyway), but I haven’t seen enough in him for it to resolve itself convincingly. I guess he made a gesture in putting himself in jeopardy to draw the hunters away from them, but it’s the first suggestion of higher qualities that might be considered admirable. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong railway car of course. Just a thought. ---------------------------------------------------------------- “The paper seemed to crawl up Stephanie’s arm as she peeled it off her arm and slid the letter...” – repetition of ‘arm’. “The Oldsmobile didn’t even have a cassette player” – If this is a classic Olds – which it sounds like, it would never have had a cassette player, probably not even an 8-track, just a radio. I presume the scroll is in the other car, but it’s not entirely clear that Steph and the scroll have been separated. Also, it says scrolls, but they only found one, is that because the baddies have the other one? If so, it is not that they have separate halves of the one scroll? It may just be a detail, but I have it in my head that there is an inconsistency in the referencing here. Also, I'm properly disoriented here. Presumably we’ve skipped on, but how did they get away from the air base? Are we to assume that Renfield’s diversion allowed the others to escape? I would have liked a confirmation of that “It’s bad enough you smell like a walking ash tray” – Lol, love it – I'm an anti-smoking person myself. That rust ain’t pretty. “As opposed to what? Smelling like wet dog?” – cracking dialogue there, Grommet. “Then the awkward silence continued unabated (suggest) reasserted itself” – But it’s just been abated by their conversation. You can’t say ‘It remained totally quiet after Stephanie had stopped talking.’ Don’t make no sense. “I don’t think they say pipsqueak any more” – ROFL. “The guy was from the forties, where when sharing your emotions weren’t wasn’t high on...” – singular, and the 40’s isn’t a place – unless you’re time-travelling, maybe, and even then. “The only thing she knew for certain is was what she was feeling” – tense. “Or so my friend was starting to tell me, before he died.” – Who now? I forget. “They aren’t Westenra. We don’t have this many bodies” – really? That surprises me. “Getting out of her. Finding a new rally plan. And another way out of her altogether.” – eh? “Stephanie guessed he was stronger than he looked” – she doesn’t need to guess, he’s just demonstrated how strong he is, and isn’t it obvious anyway? I thought he was a big guy. “Déjà vu.” She said to no one in particular.” – lol. It’s the quips that keep me going through the tough / unedited parts. Do you need to say ‘smart-phone’? It feels awkward, and in 10 years, when we’ve all got implants, it’ll date the story, not in a good way. “Rewer standing in the middle of the train car yard” – I presume. “Stephanie thought back to what her sister would do in situation. Honestly, Serena was the badass, the brawler, the far bolder hunter between them.” – Did we know this? Other than the fact that her sister had killed herself, I don’t recall that she was a hunter – I had her pictured as the meek-and-mild one. My mistake? “Stephanie said, doing her best to keep her poise in the situation” – redundant and slows down the flow, per my previous comments. “with each one landing close to his head” – I would say a shot strikes rather than lands, which suggest no propulsion. It’s Cessna, not Cesna – didn’t you’re spellchecker pick that one up? “I hope it works,” Renfield said to himself. “This could come in real handy.” Why would he speak this out loud, risking giving away his position? I'm very confused by the time of day. I thought it was daytime when the Council arrived here, judging from the way they could see things and the lack of description of any artificial lighting. Now it seems to be dark, but Renfield can still see things that he shouldn’t be able to at night. “Black liquid started to gush upon him” – what in the heck is the black liquid? It sure ain’t gas or diesel. Any flare gun I ever saw fired a flare which explodes in the sky, not a stream of fire, which is a flamethrower. And how does the flame spread across the ground? The fuel is leaking from the under the tank. Hang on though. What has leaving it running got to do with anything? Fuel will still leak out of a tank whether it’s running or not. This section doesn’t make sense to me. “had little changed” – had changed little “even if it’s forty years ago old” “located right next to “Quasimodo” – ROFL “Quaris clearly possessed large resources to afford choppers and military-trained personnel” – I don’t think this follows, a chopper and a few SWAT jumpsuits isn’t going to set a company back that much. Depends on the number of choppers they have, but he’s only seen one. Why does he need a flashlight in the safe house, has someone turned off the electric? And if he does need a flashlight, how can he see anything without it? I did enjoy the twist of Rewer founding Quaris – nice one. “Between founding Quaris and bankrolling the Council, Renfield still had enough money to make Donald Trump look like a chump” – Do you mean Rewer has enough money? Btw no-one needs money to make Trump look like a chump, just need to stand next to him. “if it hadn’t sprang all ready” – sprung already. How in blue hell is Renfield going to be safe south of the border? These groups don’t have legal boundaries, do they? That diet Renfield is planning has no protein in it – unless he’s going to chew his arm off, he’s not going to last months. Can’t he just go to the shops? “He spun around to see four hunters standing behind him.” – How did he not notice them come into the room, given all the equipment they are packing, is there no door? And I say again, why is Renfield in the dark and how did he even see the filing cabinet without the torch in the first place?

Hallelujah! Welcome to the Personal Pronoun Appreciation Party - of which I am founder member :-) I've been banging this drum since Chapter 5. Sorry, RDP, I had to blow a fanfare when I read this comment.

What a comprehensive response! All sounds reasonable to me. When it comes to characters being unlikable for the purposes of going through a transition it's a difficult line to tread, push them too far and the reader might put down the book before they get to arc into the positive. In my opinion, softening that aspect seems like the right thing to do. Looking forward to reading more :-)

Joking aside, and for all my issues with it, I would miss my weekly episode of Scholomancer, so keep going!!

Comments on the comments: I had no problem with the time shift. I took the WWI scene as a a kind of Ghost-of-Chrismas-Past deal. I wondered about the Trinity being apathetic. Putting that together with Mandamon's comment about prologue vs. Chapter 1, which I agree with, maybe a prologue demonstrating the apathy of the Trinity would be worth considering. And a P.S. from earlier. Sorry if my comments are a bit harsh, I called it like I saw it - which is the only thing to do, I believe, and I expect no less from peeps critiquing my stuff :-)

A belated welcome to Reading Excuses, great to have you onboard, I hope that my comments are helpful. To sum up, it’s an interesting close to the prologue, and I do find myself wondering what is going on, but as per my detailed comments below, I developed a fairly significant dislike for Hellas in the course of the submission. He is presented as the only competent individual in the story, and everyone else seems to be incompetent or vastly inferior to him. In a way, it seems odd that his fighting so hard to save the Trinity, which he seems to despise. This alone would be enough to set me against him, as he seems to have no flaws, but that’s not quite true, because he behaves in such a superiour way, showing an active disrespect to everyone around him, including the Trinity, that by the end I'm glad to see him arrested. At this point, I have no sympathy for any of the characters, which doesn’t bode well going forward. The submission is certainly easy to read, I enjoy your style and the majority of my comments are about content and not construction. I found the magic interesting, but was curious that Michael didn’t seem to have any. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. I'm hoping there are characters coming up which I kind find sympathy with, and/or that Hellas is laid very low and experiences dire straits so that he can learn some life lessons about how to treat people, and how to value others. ------------------------------------------------------ The POV seems to drift between Hellas and Lucifer, which is a bit distracting. “a constant stream of profanities streaming from his lips” – Subverting our expectations of the denizens of heaven and junior angels in particular is reasonable, but my first impression of Hellas was as an upright and principled individual, so this felt a bit off to me, for some reason. “Unfortunately, she could also ask herself that” – ‘ask that of herself’, I think. I'm a bit surprised that no other kind of alarm has been raised, making Catherine aware of the attack. Is this not one of the things that the Steel Hawks are maintained for? I'm also surprised at the notion that the Companies would not already be aware of the attacks, and be retaliating. I don’t care for Hellas’ tone towards his superiour. Obviously, any respect he had for Michael has long since dissipated. I suppose I can put it down to familiarity breeding contempt, but it seriously diminishes Michael as a character (I felt) at the point of his introduction. “The big, burly man picked up his weapon and sprinted towards them. Clearly, he did not recognise their faces, otherwise he would have run” – but he’s sprinting. Something seems off here. At first, I did not get that the men guarding the building were fallen angels. Also, they seem rather dense and ineffectual, for example why do they attack one at a time (it seems)? Sometimes, there’s a tendency to make the enemy inferior to the protagonist (I'm sure I’ve done it myself), perhaps because it allows and even justifies them being dispatched quickly, but cannon-fodder are people too! “For any other mage – or Forger, as they were known in Heaven – a display such as that should have been incredibly difficult at this time of night. But Hellas was just getting started.” – This is the second time (I think), that you’ve used this sidebar format to explain something. I find it rather disjointed, and I'm not sure it’s necessary. If you said ‘For any other Forger, such a display should have been’...etc. it allows the reader to make the connection, which I think is more satisfying – show don’t tell and all that. If the temple is Lucifer’s objective, why are there only five guards at the door? My impression was he had hundreds of followers to cause the level of devastation described earlier, where are they all? “Now hurry up. We’ve wasted enough time” – Yes, I don’t like Hellas. I feel he’s superiour and dismissive of others. I find it hard to believe that Michael would stomach the boy(?)’s condescending tone for hundreds of years. ‘Are they all right?’ – alright “corrupted angels stood behind him, carrying sledgehammers and pitchforks” – I'm mystified as to why they are armed like peasants. In the presence of the Trinity, the conversation between Lucifer and Hellas seems strange. It seems to take place purely because Hellas is the protagonist. Are the Trinity just waiting patiently to be noticed once the interlopers have concluded their tete-a-tete? “The alternative was that the Host was losing the battle on the streets, and losing it badly” – There’s been no real sense of any battle or much in the way of scale. All we’ve seen is five guards on the door and a dozen fallen inside – I don’t feel there’s a massive engagement going on. “‘I trust you can find a place to hide?’ he asked. ‘You seem to be pretty good at that.’” - !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we supposed to believe that this is the being who created the world in seven days, the omnipotent, the almighty? I have trouble swallowing that He would not even speak in this situation, not react at all and be ordered from His throne room by a servant. “when thousands of Fallen angels and demons had marched on the Pearly Gates” – per my earlier comment, where were they all in Hellas’ dreamed account of the attack? “He had been the one to beat him back” – all on his own? I find that hard to believe. Then again, any associates of his have so far been painted as incompetent, so I imagine he would have to do it all on his own.

I too am interested to see who the Buyer is, but it's not something I've given any thought to working out.

Summary first. I like the Renfield took action, but wasn’t engaged /enthralled by his scene with the hunters. I just felt it was off the mark dialogue-wise and action-wise. Irving’s scene with Sean also felt flat to me, lacking spark with some inane dialogue from Sean. In the scene with the Buyer, I had forgotten the aim of their conspiracy, which could do with a (subtle) reminder at that point, I think. I'm still engaged with the story, but didn’t think this was the best submission. The scene between Irving and his wife was good. I found myself wishing that had gone on longer, but I think to do so would have been a mistake. It was good that it was cut short, leaving me feeling a bit down. I also think there’s something lacking when Renfield and Stephanie are not ‘on-screen’ together. It may be because other characters like Jason and Sean lack depth (I think), or certainly interest. Still, looking forward to the next submission, as it’s hard to guess where things are going and what sort of climax we will get. ------------------------------------------------------- “neatly-made bunk pushed up against the mostly-empty room” – huh? What’s a narrow expression? “some very disturbed bums still living on the base” – this phrasing surely indicates mentally disturbed, not disturbed by the noise, which I took to be the intended meaning. “Not much had made it onto his pants, and even if it did had, Stephanie really didn’t want him walking around with bloodstained pants” – this doesn’t make sense. There is blood on his pants according to the first clause of the sentence, but the second clause is based on the fact that there is no blood. “She ran the moist packets over Renfield’s hands” – not the packets, a wipe. “Renfield looked up and gave her a smile back. Stephanie returned the smile” – If he’s smiling back, she must have smiled first, so can’t return it. “Stephanie cut her off” – but it’s not Stephanie who speaks, it’s Rewer. I can’t accept Renfied being able to slip out the room when he is the subject of their discussion – one of the four is bound to be focused on him and his reaction, and it doesn’t feel like a big room at all. “with a spotlight pointed right at him” – but it’s daytime. I found Chapter 43 pretty frustrating. I find it hard to deal with all the typos, it spoils my impression of the story and when there are this many, I start skipping. Consider how scared Renfield is supposed to be, I find it hard to reconcile his actions and the tone of his thoughts. “a message on his computer” – like an email? “Irving waited for Sean to give him an opening to talk. Clearly, Sean wasn’t done. He kept speaking.” – This bit is redundant, loads of telling. If you just continue Sean’s dialogue and delete this, then you don’t have to mention it, so I don’t see the point. “but the ballistics test seems to have disappeared” – how did they retrieve a ballistics test from the Airbase when Jason’s squad just got there – isn’t that where the mercs were shot? I may be misremembering that detail, but even then, I don’t follow how they’ve had time to retrieve a bullet a run a test, let alone lose the test. “clutched his hand in his arm” - ??? “What the hell is this supposed to be?” – It’s a flash drive. I'm struggling with Sean’s dialogue. Just because he’s a windbag, doesn’t mean he needs to be stupid. I think he deserves more character. “to reach around the casket” – What does this mean? “I’m going to clean up the mess you made my way” – What mess did Sean make? I don’t get it, and I don’t understand what was on the flash drive. I don’t think it at all clear. Upload a hunter’s file to what? What are there monsters on, did I miss something? “He removed a large Desert Eagle from his desk drawer” – sounds like there are different sizes of Desert Eagle. “Good luck explaining that to your brother” – Who’s his brother? “He made it to the hospital a couple of minutes later” – How exactly does he get to the hospital in 2 minutes? “she lay motionlessly” “leaning up from her hospital the bed” – we know where she is – I felt this was really awkward phrasing. “her diamond blue eyes” – repetition of diamond. “You seem pretty confident already” – he just said he was confident – needless repetition. “Let’s just say I have a lot more than chickens at my disposal” – lol. “He stomached the anger rising from the pit of his stomach” – really? “I don’t think we have to stand for circumstance” – stand on ceremony? I’ve never heard your phrasing. I’ve forgotten the circumstances of the Irving’s deal with the buyer. I think we could do with a reminder. Am I right in thinking that Irving expects the Buyer to use Steph in some way, but not to actually harm or kill her?

I enjoyed the action, and Renfield’s loss of control when confronted by the vision of his former(?) master was a good idea, but the submission, to me, felt disjointed and not as urgent as it could be. I’ve got to admit that some of the grammar really distracted me from the story this ‘week’. I know I shouldn’t fixate on it, but I do feel that the writing should be invisible, whether it’s for reasons of over-complication or just being off. The scene between Irving and Jason sitting at the fountain was good, a scene-sequel in WE parlance. A nice change of pace, although I was confused by how Jason knows Steph’s at the Air Base Hanger. I still don’t get that. There were some grammar bombs in that scene, as commented below. Despite my language issues, I am still enjoying the story. Jason is a wet blanket in my eyes. I feel nothing for him and desperately hope that Stephanie doesn’t end up with him. He has strong feelings, I get that, but also seems a bit thick. Irving remains one of the strongest characters, but Evelyn is shining through since her reappearance. For me, she hardly seems like the same person as appeared in earlier scenes, something about the description of her. Detailed comments below – I'm catching up!!! --------------------------------------------------------- “A single pale face starred motionlessly back at her” – how many faces was she expecting? “He knew what this man intended to do.” Please, I implore you, drop this line. Everybody knows what the man intends to do. You don’t need to draw anyone’s attention to it, it’s really obvious. “Blood drenched from his Master’s mouth” “distinguish Dracula’s blood-laden face with from the gaping...” “looking up to see the man retrieving his sidearm from deep within his pants” – I'm confused, hasn’t Renfield been pummelling this guy for the last few minutes? “Renfield saw his opportunity. He leapt to his feet” – I commented before about urgency. I know I'm not supposed to comment about this stuff, but I think it’s worth considering wording that slows the action down. “I’m here there now” – If Jason say he’s ‘here’ it doesn’t actually convey where he is. I think this is the first instance of “Solomonari” appearing – do we know what that means? I don’t really. “central cooper copper sprinklers had long since rusted” – copper doesn’t rust. Iron rusts. “There aren’t too many hunters who can pull off that shot” – Why would he think that it was a hunter who had shot the other hunter between the eyes? “Jason continued to remained silent.” “...even if though it was only a few inches deep” – Also, not keen of repetition of ‘deep’. “This is the spot I was going to marry here at” – Really awkward phrasing. For me “He didn’t want Jason suspecting anything.” comes under the heading of stating the obvious. I think it’s important to let the reader notice these things, otherwise it sounds like you’re talking down to them.

Yeah, we all know who THAT guy is... ;op Hurrah!

Pretty good submission, but I feel that it could be sharpened up by a good edit. It’s good to see the opposition closing in on them and a confrontation, and also very good to see some really (apparent) jeopardy, if only towards the end of the submission. I thought that the challenging of loyalties and testing of peoples’ words given could have been punched up a few notches too. ----------------------------------------------------- “lip-smacking” – it’s not weird, it’s just icky. “The only monster he had to worry about was Kyle Mason” – Not convinced by Mason. He feels like a caricature of evil. “Your visions made make you invaluable” – more immediate. “but very little few facts in the matter” “And still others claim it’s what provides the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on” – Typos in this sentence, but the notion itself is demonstrably wrong. We know what Google runs on, there’s not mystery. “Personally I’m more of a Mac man myself” – Macs still use Google. This quip doesn’t seem to work. I don’t understand the stuff about her being burned when Steph is in discussion with Bannister and Rewer. “Don’t think I haven’t forgotten your part” – Don’t think I’ve forgotten... is the correct phrase. “Stephanie faced the would-be-wolf-man in the eyes” – There’s no other way to face him – self-evident. “gazed at her unknowingly” – What is that supposed to mean? “Who is they?” Rewer announced” – I would say an announcement is something other than a question. “as he did had in the Master’s service” – CCC (Campaign for Correct Case). “Apparently the Council put his its contacts with the black market to good use” Why is there a scene break – it seems to be a direct continuation? I felt that the end of the submission was a little confused, could have been better drafted, but still packed some punch.

I'm putting the summation up front as there are a lot of comments following. Overall, I found these chapters rather dull. The confrontation with Sophie (Sophia?) and her crew is underwhelming. Other than vampires appearing, there’s no threat from any of them apart from Sophie, and she’s been dinged in the head already. I thought there would be a fight of some sort, but there was next to nothing. Not saying you needed a fight, but there wasn’t nearly enough tension, and no sense that the protagonists were in any danger at all. I was a bit disappointed with the dialogue and character interaction too. I didn’t feel the spark of some of the scenes that have gone before, it felt a bit laboured. Still looking forward to delving into the next submission. ------------------------------------------------------------------ “...features of the creature before her” – The creature’s really before him too. Referring to the creature being before Stephanie, distances Renfield from the action, losing immediacy, I think. “But they’d never know unless they kept the vampire talking” – Again, I think ‘he’ should keep the vampire talking – making him more active. “Sophia’s gaze was waning on him” – not the right sense of the word, I think. “Renfield’s fondness with for Sophie had led lead to several interesting encounters in his bed” – I don’t want this to come across as a grammar police action, but I think this is not right. “They couldn’t up and switch sides, especially not for such a long time” – I didn’t get this line. She didn’t say she had switched sides – just that Dracula wasn’t in charge. “She gave Renfield a determined look and nodded” – This seemed quite blatant. I thought Stephanie was between the vampire and Renfield, and that the vamp might notice. You even note that the vampire takes her eyes of Steph, implying the camp was watching when Steph nodded. “on her his shoulders” I found the dynamics of the confrontation (I won’t call it a fight) at the end of Chapter 32 a bit disjointed. Steph took an awful long time to light a stick and hit Sophie (Sophia?) with it. Lot of typos too – more than usual!! ;o) Also, I thought that some of the Council were with them when they went to the park. They must be searching around a different part of it? “This is bad, Stephanie thought. This is really, really bad.” This thought is redundant. It’s not funny or quirky of anything, just a statement of the blindingly obvious. “Sophie wiped the blood and grime from her face and licked it off hungrily” – Licked it off what? “no way Sopie Sophie wouldn’t would go down without a fight” “You really didn’t think the scroll would be unguarded, did you?” – Have they said they’re looking for the scroll, or did Sophie just naively reveal its location in the park? The smelling insults didn’t work for me – felt awkward and forced. “Evelyn’s punch was more like a downed power line than a taser” - nice. “ignoring her barred bared teeth” ‘Searchlight’ is one word. What?! – No fight?!?! Sophie just rolls over? Very disappointing. “I’m sensing a lot of entitlement issues” – rofl. “Stephanie had a feeling It looked a lot less intimidating than the vampire had intended” – The language in some of these quips is way too wordy. I think you lose the snap and crackle of the lines. And the language introduces uncertainty, which is not appealing. I'm struggling to suspend my disbelief that something SO significant and important would be left in the mouth of a statue in a public park. It’s not just the hidden-in-plain-sight thing, which is becoming annoying in fiction, but the fact that it’s open to the element or to some bird making a nest in it – actually, I think I’d have found that so funny that I wouldn’t have minded how ridiculous it was to leave the thing there. “The pun reached a crescendo” – huh? “is about as much fun” “worshipping golden cows and gathering nuclear weapons” – lol. “Are you sure you won’t be spurned to visions by the sight of ash?” he said. “Then it’s going to be really hard to smoke.” Stephanie said.” – This makes no sense – she wouldn’t be affected by all ash. “We might be burning out own lead” – our only lead? “expected a disgusting disgusted reaction”

And we're back.... “Renfield apparently had the good sense” – she can see him looking away. “They two of them followed Bannis” – redundant because of ‘they’. “Renfield beaming with pride” – I didn’t feel this emotion was appropriate. What is he proud of? I don’t take him to be that shallow. Look at me, I’ve got a tattoo of something significant. “It’s more of a case of calling collect” – lol “His Faustian pact gave him an advantage over his enemies, one that death.” – something missing or wrong word? “Ceausesau” – Ceausescu. “Well, at least he’s not resisting the digital age too much” – I don’t like this comment. It brings nothing, not insightful, not humourous, rather naive, I thought. “She was They had impressed her, which wasn’t easy to do” But then she restates her own thought – awkward. “somewhere in plain sight” – why would it be? This phrase is becoming a cliché now. Evelyn says “Too bad there aren’t any dragons in Dallas” – but Steph’s response doesn’t follow the correct syntax, should be “Maybe there are not,” I think. “the Buyer would have called the to gloat” “Westenra became a ghost town after five” – not a very dedicated crew then. This is pathetic. My company has 35 people and there are always a handful in the office till 6 / 6:30 / 7pm every day. We design roads and buildings. A company that is trying to save the world from monsters should have WAY more dedication to duty than this. Overall impression: At this point, I'm feeling a lack of tension in the plotline. There are good inter-personal tensions between the characters, but there is little or no tension driving the story. I think it lacks a ticking-clock quite badly now. Irving has set this rabid bounty hunter after them, but we can’t see him, so don’t know if he’s getting close. We don’t know it Dracula’s followers are making efforts to find and free him, we don’t know if the Buyer is getting close to the fugitives. There’s a lack of urgency and I think it’s hurting the story at this point. “I’m very close, but there are some . . . formalities I have to attend to,” The Buyer hesitated. “It’s complicated, and honestly, I would really prefer it if someone would un-complicate it for me.” – This doesn’t address my earlier comment, because we can’t see any imminent danger around Stephanie. It doesn’t feel like anyone is at risk. “He felt a bit guilty” “I was going to marry her next week” – I presume he was going to ASK her. “on Irving’s mental door” – yuck. “such as knights and bishops” – repeating the phrase used earlier is awkward, and a bit boring – chess metaphors are big cliché when worked this hard. “Evelyn lunged between the two men” – I didn’t sense they were going to come to blows, hers seems like an overreaction. “I didn’t know hunter training including Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt” – lol. “Paldadin. > Figures.” – rofl. “a dead run in the laughter” - ?????????? “wouldn’t look half as good” – some real body image stereotype reinforcement going on here. Is it fair to say you’re not going for the female audience with this story? Summation: I'm really glad to see some action at the end of this submission after a long break, but when it comes it’s rather underwhelming. I think the last 2 or 3 pages could pack a lot more punch. The appearance of the chosen is good, but I think you could safely dial up the violence and the danger way up here. Glad for things to pick up a bit of pace, hopefully the action will continue in the next submission.