Robinski

True, but the the fact that my reading group already pointed me in the direction of cutting seems to be reinforced by at least one person in each instance. Having mulled upon it, I think I'll leave it in and, maybe one day, an editor will read it and react (or not).

I agree, and I woulld be very intersted to read some of you writing and try to help. Also, it might be of some benefit for your to read some of the other pieces on Reading Excuses, to see what people in a similar position are writing. There are a range of abilities on RE and critiquing can provide the reader with a boost, leading to a discovery that you are much more proficient than maybe you are willing to give yourself credit for. Come pay us a visit

My first reaction (and forgive any repetition of Shrike, but I always comment first and read comments after), but I tend to think it is maybe inexperience and a touch of lack of confidence speaking. I think everyone has a subconscious sense of the rhythm of events and dialogue, action and reaction, and that the important thing is to write, even if you cover a thousand words or two thousand and find that there are changes you want to make on a read-back. To me, it's all practice. I wonder if you are worrying too much about trying to make each scene 'perfect', when we all have to accept that it never is. I'm sure many professionals would agree that their first drafts are not pefect either. It's maybe more a case, through continuting to write as often as you can, of learning to let go of the perceived need in earlier drafts, and just learn to write before you learn to edit and polish.

Must be Beijing, surely? Or not, my geography is a bit ropy. * oops, what happened there?

Your feedback is really valuable, but it's not fair of me to drip-feed you 32 chapters and expect such detailed comments. I will check out the Dropbox account and make sure it still works, then put the current WaS file in there. If others comment on this part submission I might keep that going too, if there's 'demand' for it. Thanks again. It's a real boost to my motivation for getting over the line with the last handful of chapters to have such great comments on the start.

Shrike, thank you so much for your comments. They are very interesting and stimulated a good session of self-examination of the opening of the story. Thoughts in response follow: 1 - Awkward sentence structure: This is a really good point. It is a facet of my style, as you surmise, and not an error. While this is a first draft, the treatment of phrasing is something you'll probably encounter again. It is exactly as you identify, a kind of listing which, to me ear, is dramatic, but if it's not working for the audience then it's not working. I need to consider that; 2 - They refused to give in: agree. I have a tendency to churn out run-on sentences and not break things up enough. It was flagged by my writing group (in no uncertain terms!) in the course of this project, and is something I need to address in the edit; 3 - Stood proud: Yes, the order of things in this sentence does feel off. I'll call first edit syndrome and revise in the edit. This said, I agree that I'm prone to what you describe. You're much better than I am at identifying what's going on structure-wise. I'm not sure what to do about it to be honest. Is it something broken that will hamper my aspirations to get published, or is it my style, and a part of who I am as a writer? I don't know the answer, but I guess I need to see how many comments I get in that vein, or how much it bothers you going forward. I know that not everyone is going to be happy reading my stuff. Goodness knows there are authors whose style I don't enjoy. We shall see. Great comment, thank you. P) There are some obvious typos and flags that I have left in for edit reasons. Apologies for that and thank you for taking the time to tag. I will fix them all. Going on to specific comments by page number: 8 - the prayer: I enjoyed writing it, but you highlight the point that it really doesn't need to be there, and that the idea of it would probably suffice. I suspect this is a personal preference. I'll see how the majority opinion goes; 9 - kowtow: Glad to have a second opinion on this. I take your point about it's origin marking it out. Obviously all language has a historical source, but I can see ow something that is clearly from a completely different source could throw someone out of the narrative. I guess others might read past this without a pause, depending on where that word sits in their reading experience. I'll be interested to see if there are ant other comments on this one word. Having said that, it's attracted enough attention already that I'm likely to drop it; 13 - Burn them: Yes, accepted. Also, it's rather a long promise. It's there to define the king's character. I trust it will stay with the reader; 14 - Flaming Slap Fight: Ha, ha. Yes, this will be dropped. It's only there because it was a Writing Excuses prompt. Actually, the scene it spawned will almost certainly but cut (down), as the whole burning sleeve / bill of lading thing gets a bit out of hand and, in the end, the scene doesn't work all that well to define Ahma's character, I think; 17 - Illegal: agree, need to rework that a bit; Your comments on characterisation are very helpful, and I'm pleased that, in the main, the main characters are effective so far. I'm not surprised to hear you say that Ahma is the most 'troublesome'. That is the opinion of my writing group, for various reasons. I know she needs work and your perspective on how she comes across is valuable. As to POVs, yes, it's a risk I suppose. I'm sure I can do something to make it immediately clear that we've rejoined Ahma. Introduction of characters: got it. I can see what you mean by that, and it's something I'm sure I can fix. Thanks. I'm glad you found Covelle's introduction effective, but I note your earlier comment about not getting long to get a handle on him. Given his nature, this might not be inappropriate. I see you've taken away the same about Ahma as Molah did. No further comment. I'm also interested in the other promises that you've tagged. I will need to consider if I have adequately answered those and also if those answers are in the right places. I am especially interested in what you say about religion. It does have a role. I won't say any more at this point, although I would like to(!!), but will await your further reaction. Great comments, really appreciate them and feel enthused about getting to the edit and challenging myself to incorporate them, and Molah's. I would be absolutely delighted to have more of your feedback. I'm undecided about how to submit. I was gearing up to put it on the Alpha Readers after speaking to Molah. That would be easier for me, I suppose. Do you guys have a preference?

Molah (Part 2!!), Chapter 1 23 - 30 years later: glad I was redeemed! I guess I could start with Benam's next scene, to show immediately that he is still there; 24 - halting elbows: ok, I surrender! My wife didn't like this either. I meant the action drinking (beer). I will change; 25 - fire jumping: agree, it's supposed to be flammable spirits, but doesn't read well; 26 - Ibdal: I thought he might be a character, but 28 chapters later he's never reappeared, so I'll drop the name; 27 - rooted: yeah, that doesn't make sense; 28 - clear up: agree, doesn't work; 29 - 'won't stand for it': I think it's an older expression. The sense is correct, but I'm not sure of the origin. I wonder if it's like, "stand up if you agree", like a voting thing. Then again, if no-one's heard of it, it's a problem; 30 - action unclear: I agree. This scene has attracted quite a bit of comment. It needs revising; 31 - glances in the street: agree, unclear; 32 - cheek in ears: meaning cheekiness, but weird phrasing, may change; 33 - Benam's description: very glad you found it effective. I felt it was really important to reintroduce Benam in his aged state, so pleased that worked for you; 34 - scanning faces: agree unclear, will fix; 35 - such a one: agree, unclear; 36 - consequences: yeah, could be better; 37 - proof of suspicion: ok, bit clumsy, will review; 38 - men standing: Oops, continuity error!; 39 - long and confusing: I'll accept that, one for the edit. Really appreciate that comprehensive set of comments. I think there are only a couple that I might leave as is. I can see how those points will improve the opening, thank you!

Thank you again, Molah, super comments. Part 1 response follows: I am glad that the scene setting worked for you, and that one of the characters was engaging. I can understand what you say about Ahma. I won't say any more about this just now. On the promises, very interesting. Again, I probably shouldn't say too much. Style points noted. I've heard of Elements of Style, but must obtain it - thank you for the link..., which I have just done. Looks interesting, I think I will enjoy reading that over the next few weeks. I suppose my style will be inconsistent in this first draft, but I'm glad that there are sections that read fell for you. Now to the details! Prologue 1 - unclear who hero is: yes, I agree; 2 - stronger sentence order: I agree again, your version is stronger; 3 - 'saw the man': Hmm, I'm unsure. It's not intended to be a flashback, so it's written (I hope!) in present tense rather than past. I'm not as sharp on tense as I should be, but I think 'had seen' works. 4 - excess of hate: yes, probably one too many, I'll change the last one to something else; 5 - paragraph and parentheses: I'll accept the paragraph comment, where would you break it though? The first brackets are me think of an alternative word - should not have left that in. I think the second is the same, but maybe they have another word for caster. Just edit notes - sorry for leaving in! 6 - Passive voice: you're right, that is my curse. I've switched the PV rule on in grammar checking and I hope there are many fewer in this story than my last. Dan Wells did say to completely eliminate PV looked as amateurish as an excess of it, but I agree with you here; 7 - more direct working of discomfort: agree; 8 - new para: agree; 9 - 'duties now': unsure, easy enough to play down, probably will; 10 - monotone: I reckon so. Don't recall any other comments, but I'll review in the edit; 11 - him > Benam: agree; 12 - Lufmatho Guard: agree; 13 - sends a message: agree, will edit; 14 - kowtow: yup "act in an excessively subservient manner." Maybe it's a bit old fashioned, but I think the majority of readers would know it, and the rest could learn it! Seriously though, wouldn't want lots of people stopping. I could say "bend the knee" or some alternative, but on the other hand, that's how words die out. 15 - lack of Benam's feeling: good comment, I agree, I will fix that; 16 - more dukes: they were mentioned earlier, when it says that Lufmatho was with the king, while the other dukes were assembled at the end of the platform. Maybe unclear. I can tag them better, perhaps flag their stiff expressions at Lufmatho being favoured; 17 - Benam seeing the families: I had intended this to be seen by him in the street, but I appreciate the blocking is unclear. These are other families than the ones in the stables. Need to clarify this, thanks. 18 - stood... stood: you're right, this is untidy, I will revise; 19 - hooded: unclear, I will revise; 20 - not a soldier: Hmm, good point. I'm not sure, will need to think about that. I can see what you mean; 21 - Menalothen's first blow: thank you! I think most people found this scene rather disturbing, so I guess it's effective :-) 22 - withdrew the blade: ok, I can reword. Phew, I think I'll take a breather!

Wow! Thanks Molah, awesome feedback. I'm just browsing it at bed time, but will not comment on specifics as I need to have a clear head to properly take your comments in. I'll mention one though, 'cause it really tickled me. Hasstal, as with all of the place names in the story, is an anagram of a real place name. The fact that it has a German meaning is weird, but the meaning itself seems rather apposite. Proper coment on your excellent feedback tomorrow. Thank you!

I was going to answer your question, then I read Shrike's response, and my comments became a whole lot shorter. Shrike has nailed most of what I (hope) I would have said, and given a whole lot more besides, BUT... I would temper that with a qualifier - Learn how to finish. I think there's a danger of developing Starters' Syndrome if you form a habit of flitting from one idea to another, but I think we are talking about finished projects, in which case - I would endorse what Shrike said, and maybe only add, Learn how to edit. Give that finished project a chance by trying and edit, and even if it still does not satisfy, you have completed an edit of a finish novel.

So, seeing as there are no other submissions this week, I’ve cheekily gone a bit long. As it’s the first submission, I’ve left the index in, and the map, which contribute to the word count, but it’s still 5,900 odd words of story – apologies for that, it (probably) won’t happen again! I hope that you enjoy the first section of the story, but I would appreciate your thoughts on the usual things, such as: - Promises to the reader? - Style, does it read well and make you want to keep reading? - Pacing, are events interesting, what do you feel about the story going forward? - Characters on view, are they engaging? Any comments very much appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

I'd love you to read it. Thanks, Silk, I'll get the first bit on today.

For what it's worth Sera and Yoni, your English in these posts is excellent. I don't know how long it took you to compose them, mind you. I would suggest that you have nothing to fear about writing in English. Some of the submissions that I critique in the Reading Excuses group on this site (and I read them all) do not reach the standards of English that you are showing in these posts. I have also read submissions from authors who write in English as a second language that are (not unreasonably) less accomplished than your language in these posts, so I would say go for it.

Okay, okay - I'll bite. Can I submit the prologue of Waifs and Strays? Not sure if anyone on at the moment read it first time around, but that feels like forever ago. It's a fantasy novel that I started for Nano 2014, currently 127k words and nearing the end (probably going to be 150k). I was just about to put it up on the Alpha Readers thread, but maybe I'll post a couple of weeks or so since it's quiet round these parts. What do you think?

Glad to hear you're not abandoning Theavis, but working on craft can't be a bad thing. Good luck with your new project!

Reading the other comments, I must agree about the banter being distracting. I'm also at a loss to the reference to nostalgia. It's not nostalgia if it's two years old! I'm with Shrike on almost everything. I also disagree about the flow. I found myself skipping sections which seemed random and irrelevant.

Detail follows, summary below. I liked the ‘pronounce it’ line – you know that’s what most readers are thinking. “morning local German time” – we know it’s Germany already. “He tends to be sedentary most of the time” – Repetition of the idea. I'm reminded about the over-writing I felt was common last time. “You guys must be exhausted. But I’ll bet you want to see the Neanderthal before you guys settle in.” – Repetition again. I think your story would benefit a lot from a good, hard edit. It’ll flow much better without all the unnecessary words and double ‘telling’. “You gotta be short on sleep if that’s what you thought I meant” – This is implied in the previous sentence. I think you can cut all this telling the reader. Trust their intelligence and experience of reading. “the ones that jive with our ancestral memories” – not sure I’ve heard ‘jive’ used in this way, but I have heard ‘chime’ used in the sense of ‘That rings a bell.’ I'm struggling with the amount of telling. It sounds like the chapter has turned into a history lecture. It’s refreshing to hear Weisman’s dialogue, because of the marked similarity between all the other voices so far. I mentioned that last time as a difficulty I was having. “Each of you has a talent for this” – I’ve got to assume that Weisman is just buttering them up. It seems a bit of a stretch that suddenly they’re all brilliant archaeologists. He makes it sound like they’re better than any student that he’s got. I thought it was a bit much. It strikes me here that, so far, writing in First Person is bringing nothing to the story that a Third Person narration couldn’t handle, especially with the multiple POVs. I think your reference to Archer is going to date your story significantly in years to come. I'm not convinced many people are talking about it now, but in years to come I can assure you it will be all but forgotten (consider the shows that your parents talk about). Do you spend much time thinking about ‘24’? Biggest thing in the world when it started, 15 years later all but disappeared. Why are they standing around discussing their names? Really not interesting, and have they completely forgotten the reason they came here that they were all hopping about a page ago? “Guessing is part of the scientific method after all, especially when it comes to figuring out where to start.” – don’t buy that at all. We have a show over here called Time Team, been going for decade(s), where they have geophyse guys and landscape archaeologists, not to mention experienced diggers, who make educated deductions about where to start digging. I can’t believe this is actually how Sam did it. It does nothing for my impression of his competence. “we’ll have less fewer people” – maybe his grammar is not good, but this one always bugs me. “It was 82 hours.” I don’t get it. Clearly that’s not right. Is he supposed to be joking? “if I wasn’t qualified” – but they’re not qualified, they’re just students, and not even archaeology majors. Once again, all the voices merge into one. I'm not seeing any reason for having all these characters. I feel that three would be plenty. None of them is saying anything that couldn’t come from the mouth of another, as they all seem to have the same skills and experience. “was a few thousand years older than the other end of the same bone?” – I like that. As an engineer, I am thoroughly relieved to hear someone talking about practicalities and the shortcomings of empirical method. “He’s a hardcore bible thumper” – I had no sense of this until you mentioned creationism earlier in this submission. If you want all these characters to work as separate entities, I think that should be right up front in the story, and that he should have a difference voice, somehow. The side bars into popular culture really drag the pace down. “Over the next few days we uncovered a total of four bodies, including Gimli.” – Surely, Gimli was uncovered already. I would have thought a better description would be “another three bodies”. “Our giant is named Goliath now” – Where is Weisman in all this. What is his role? He seems completely incidental. It’s the find of the century in the hands of unqualified students. Hard to accept. I'm still trying to can-of-worms it as artistic licence, but my left brain in struggling. “Curved etched grooves shined shone with...” “shot through with swirling colors that changed in the light like a soap bubble or an opal” – It’s a Palantir!!!! Someone throw a bag over it! “The four corpses were carefully packed and loaded onto trucks bound for Professor Weisman’s lab at the college” – I'm struggling again here. The artefacts you describe would be like finding Excalibur or something, but no one is the slightest bit amazed!! I don’t understand. I feel that they should be buzzing, rolling around grounding, gaping dumbly – but there is no immediate reaction at all. I like how you end the chapter, it really pushes thing forward with the promise of more discoveries, but I'm struggling badly with how nobody has reacted to the astonishing artefacts they unearthed, not to mention having increasing difficulty in suspending my disbelief about how they have free rein here. In summary: It’s getting more interesting in terms of what’s going on, but I'm not convinced about their (lack of) reactions to it. I'm also still toiling with the number of characters and POVs. I don’t see what it adds. Fair amount of info-dumping and potential maid-and-butler too. Sam is the only one who I feel I know something of his character. I’d be perfectly content to see everything though his eyes, First or Third person.

Detail follow, summary below. Chapter 9 “when you slit your throat” – huh? Your upset > you’re upset. “they will be sure as hell looking for her now” – Maybe it’s just his grammar, but “they will sure as hell be looking for her now” flows better, imho. He doesn’t have much leverage now that Seward is dead – is that the friend the sentence refers to? Seems a confused statement. What does “informed him of the reason” mean? I don’t understand that sentence. The line about “the boy” is weird, unless the Buyer is really, really old and this is a little clue as to who the Buyer is. “the poor defenceless girl” “the approaching night” Chapter 10 I like the line about her not being his type, but... I'm guilty of this too. You describe her figure and her looks, but don’t (in my recollection) linger on any of the male characters – I'm afraid it’s a sexist thing, and I tend towards it too, something to be conscious of and maybe try to even up. “Renfield thought back to all that traing training in the Marines.” I think this is way too slow – everything is moving, he doesn’t have time to reference his instruction manual, it’s got to be subconscious, surely. “the next neck or face” I don’t buy the hoodie hampering him – it must be hampering her more. Just hit her for f**k sake. No, no, no – she is quite obviously not trying to kill him or she would have shot him. This is a rather obtuse thought from Renfield. “he excited executed it” You mention him being off balance altogether twice – awkward repetition. “had little trouble doing her blows” - ??? ‘dealing her blows, I think. I like the fresh fruit image – nice. There more repeated thoughts about the hoodie hampering her – I'm starting to skip bits that feel repetitious. I don’t get this fight at all – why didn’t she just shoot him in the leg? She had him cold, there was no need for her to get into this situation – I'm not convinced. She’s supposed to be an experience hunter. “Renfield cutting couldn’t believe his luck” – All these typos really slow down the reading. I’ve let a few go. “his remaining arm” – LOL, how many does he have? I would suggest ‘other’ arm. Five-and-half pages of fight. I’ve probably written similar in my current project – it starts to get repetitive pretty quickly. While they spend pages with each other, there’s almost no interaction. The banter in the first half page is easily the most interesting part of the chapter and, for me, that was a bit clichéd – the big bad wolf thing must have been used a hundred times before. Chapter 11 How does Renfield make such a rookie mistake? He must have subdued loads of women, although less combative ones, I dare say. Hang on – she’s already had a bloody nose near the start of the fight, but that doesn’t seem to have had any effect on Renfield at the time – this seems inconsistent. Then you say he looks at the blood like a shark, but next he is hardly distracted by it. I was down-hearted when the fight started up again in this chapter. “This put the bloodied hand right in her face” – isn’t it his face – isn’t that why he shudders? If Renfield is aroused by blood, then it’s not his Kryptonite – which weakens and repels S’man – does it not? I like the ‘eager lover’ phrase and the line about the hips – snappy. I’d like more of this and less slugging, personally. The paragraph about the tattoo seems confused. It will be effective, but needs to be clearer. I also like that she ‘blacks out’ into dreamland after gaining the upper hand. Still think the fighting could be cut down. Chapter 12 He’s looking around for the hunter and doesn’t see or sense her right next to him? I don’t buy it. “Renfield assured himself she wasn’t moving” I forget who Bannister is. Is he the buyer? “He couldn’t kill a defenseless hunter, even when he knew she wouldn’t hesitate if the tables were turned.” But she did hesitate, massively, and then didn’t shoot him. He’s not very perceptive and also, unconvincing here. How many pretty girls must he have procured for the master? Did he never hesitate then? My impression is that he did not, but now he does. It feels plot convenient. I think you mention ‘the hunter’ way too much, I find it distracting. I think once per page is fine when she’s the only woman in the scene and there are only two people. Is that the first reference to Scholomance? I don’t remember an earlier one. Do we know what that is yet? Repetition of ‘spine’. “How bad would it lock look” “the mutter hunter” ??? “Renfield did not excel at acting naturally” Really, how did he con all those women then? Or did he always use the awkward nerd shtick? Here, when you have him go across the lobby, we come back to an earlier problem I noted. It feels like the building is empty and again here you describe eyes on him, but I can’t picture the scene. I don’t feel the context. You mention one man, but there’s no blocking, so I can’t picture the space he’s in. When he gets outside you talk about the street being crowded, but again, I have trouble picturing it, because there’s no description and only a cursory mention of people. I'm not sure why he is being so awkward. I would have thought he would have had more experience in doing this sort of thing. I feel he is drawing way more attention to himself than necessary. Is he not a strong man, can’t he just pick her up in his arms and carry her out? In summary: I enjoyed the exchange between the Buyer and Irving more than the fight between Stephanie and Renfield. I would rather have read a page of banter, two pages of fight and two pages of aftermath – to me personally, verbal fisticuffs are always more interesting and lets you progress plot which physical fights are much less effective at, if they do so at all. I had various issues noted above, but another prominent one was the lack of description of the lobby and the street. I might have felt more tension if I had really felt that there were a lot of eyes on him. Also, I thought his behaviour trying to get her out was comical, and rather incapable, in an area that I expected Renfield to be capable in. Always interested to read more.

Yep, I posted recently to bring it up near the top as someone else was asking about it. That said, personally, I doubt I'd have time to embark on a full read at the moment, but I would hope that someone would volunteer and have a novel of their own to put up. It takes two... etc.

Hi Molah, great to hear from you. I'll comment on my girl's behalf, and trust she won't mind (she can rag on me later, as appropriate - hey, it's my log in). You've raised things that various people have, and seems like fair comment to me. I think the reaction has been pretty much consistent, liking the voice, but not sure what the story is. She written on a bit from there and we've talked about story line and foreshadowing and such, so it's all good - a learning experience. Not too harsh, no. Honest reaction is what we're all about - so it's good. Thanks again!

Straight to the detail, summary below. Chapter 5 ‘summit’ is not a verb. I know you can do that in the States, but it still sounds weird to the rest of us. Some of the phrasing is awkward, like “An army of our own must be assembled” – rather than “We must assemble our own army.” Also, don’t they have an army? I thought one of them at least was a soldier. I like the humour in McTuggard awakening. I'm happy to read a story that has a lightness of tone even when discussing combat and war. So much fiction now is ‘gritty’ and ‘authentic’, this potentially has a more heroic tone to it. Okay, it glosses over the true nature of war, but not every story has to have that, in my view. I got confused about the healing. Alnas healed both? How can he hop down from McTuggard when he can barely walk by the sound of it? I'm not sure I picked up the significance of the spell being wordless (i.e. silent, or is it actually without a word? Maybe it’s WRS, and I’ve just forgotten from last week). The mention of reinforcements reminds me that I was surprised that the shade army is not harrying them. Theavis didn’t wreck the whole army, and I presume even Norlord didn’t do that, so I thought they would still be advancing. More tension among this assembly, looking over their shoulders almost, would seem to be appropriate. Too many mentions of Magnus close together when he appears – unnecessary and cumbersome. Chapter 6 “A scream from the coastline...” This bothers me. The coastline is so big that it follows it must be far away. If they were close to it, you would say ‘water’s edge’. So, if it’s that far away (which I think is implied by the language) how can they hear a scream? Rounded a corner of the what? I don’t think a stone wall would splinter, would it? Isn’t that more wood? Tuskanger I can maybe just about infer from the name, but I don’t know what a yivas looks like, so I can’t picture this scene. You don’t need comas around a thought and you don’t need to attribute it. Also, the time frame is all wrong here. A crowd of people ran at him, then a stone being, then these invaders. The description implies they are right on top of him and he’s standing around thinking. The blocking here doesn’t seem right. You describe the creature as an ‘it’ so who is the ‘her’ holding the spear? I don’t know what’s going on about here. What does bright black look like??? The tuskanger is an ‘it’ again, but is ‘it’ also the ‘her’? Very confusing. What is senfeed and what does its lack tell him anything? There is too much unexplained stuff around here, names just being thrown around, and I'm getting frustrated (that’s you) and also the character (Why in the name of all holy did he drop his bow?!). I also don’t have these two straight in my head. I think it’s because Relvaris, to me, sounds like he should be the big (physically), imposing one and Ponsing the wee, flighty one. Because of this, my first thought was, whoa – the little one can do teleporting too? Phrasing issue (for me) – not sure you take blood away – maybe cleaned up or removed. Why are the healers in training? Is there any significance to it? It seemed like an unnecessary detail. But if he’s the king’s son, does the king’s blood not run through his veins? I know you talked about this earlier on, and you then confirm it here, but the line about blood sounded odd to me. Dropped what? The sentence did not seem to follow, for me. In summary: Again, I rather enjoyed the submission, although I'm confused in places and the writing could be tightened up, I think. I like what you did with Relvaris’s crisis of confidence, that adds a nice emotional dimension to this pair’s story, and a conflict as well, space for Relvaris to have an arc. I do struggle a bit with him leading an army though, because is he not about 18 inches tall? I don’t see how he could shoot anything with a bow unless magically enhanced. The number of place names in Relvaris’s scenes and indeed the number of characters in Theavis’s scenes are still rather confusing. The places I can just accept, not knowing where they are, but I think the story would be tightened up if there were not so many characters talking in Theavis’s scenes. Not convinced that you need all those voices.

To pick up on your questions, I think the big issues to be solved are the characters voices and the (as Shrike says), the scientific context, which I commented on from a slightly different perspective. For me, your submission (like Shrike, I think it's a first chapter, as a prologue is really intended to deal with stuff you can't do in the main narrative, whereas this is just main narrative), deals pretty well with your main objectives as you list them, but I'll disagree with Shrike's point about language flow - I found that an issue and think it needs a polish with Snappy Wax to streamline it (Wax on, words off. Wax on, words off.) Looking forward to reading more - but slightly trepidatious (not a word) about reading three same-sounding voices.

SUMMARY THOUGHTS (detail below the line): I like the set up and the idea, but I think the writing could do with another couple of passes (Couldn’t we all!). It feels a bit over-written in places (e.gs below) and I think an edit or two could really sharpen it up. I would thin out the attributions and some of the banter. They’re game-playing students, I don’t think you need as much detail to get that across. Also, I think the character voices are too similar. I had trouble telling them apart, because they all tend to use the same student banter. Not so much of an issue when you have one POV (although still relevant to distinguish them), but more difficult when you have three First Person voices. Coincidently, my current leisure book is ‘Moxy Land’ by Lauren Beukes, which has 4 First Person POV characters and gives them alternate chapters. Their voices are much more disparate however, so as to clearly distinguish between their chapters, as follows: - white drop-out, gamer / counter culture kid rebelling against privileged upbringing; - underprivileged black kid trying to foment rebellion against society (it’s set in future South Africa); - black corporate achiever denying her familial roots; and - white photographer chick experimenting becoming a corporate guinea pig. Concluding though, I'm interested to reader more. Sam seems like the more engaging character, as he is at the sharp end of the thing. To address the character voice issue, you might consider making Sam or one of the others a female character, or perhaps introduce another ethnicity, either of which would provide opportunities for increased conflict, and would probably make the story more engaging for a wider range of readers. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The tone of the piece gets my attention at the start, after the first half page I feel as if there is a slightly over-the-top feeling to it that makes me think RPG. Capitalisation is something I find myself commenting on a lot at the moment.”Baron Thorson” is clearly his name, but later when you say, “The baron is right through...” I'm convinced it’s small ‘b’, because it’s not the baron’s title that you are using. Take the example that follows, when you refer to “mountain thanes” with a small ‘t’. You tenses are a bit all over. E.g. “Bringing up the rear was Nerlim... who managed to combine... He speaks little... There’s a need to decide on one, of course. The physical description of the characters feels like treading water. I'm not really interested in that stuff at this stage, I'm more interested in the situation ‘in-game’ as it were. I felt a ‘disjoint’ when it became clear that they had attacked and were now in combat at “kill this Gorelock.” I didn’t feel it was clear they had gone in, although it was spoken about. There’s some over writing going on that slows things down and feels rather cumbersome. E.g. “I was too excited for that notion to bother me very much just then care” How can Sam hear Jack when Jack speaks through the headset? “open up the jpeg I attached” This dates the technology a bit – most images are readily visible in email now. Sam’s treatise at the top of Page 7 sounds like a text book and not something he would say over the phone. Also, it seems a bit maid-and-butler, in that Al presumably knows this already, so Sam is only saying it to provide the info to the reader. I know you then aim to hang–a–lantern on it, but I think it still feels info-dumpy. “It’s my dig.” I almost called this when he was talking about it making his career. I struggle to imagine he’s in charge of a dig being a student. I feel I need more convincing. Maybe the bigwigs are set to come in later and try to rest control away from him, but I'm unconvinced that he would have authority over an overseas site as a student. My concern about this is accentuated later when it appears that Sam has a professor marking travel arrangements for his staff. Again, I'm struggling with that. “See that? There goes Al, yelling again.” This stuff feels like filler. We get the idea that he yells, but it’s getting old at this point. I felt it was weird that you used the Spanish word for ‘beer’ (instead of bier), but the German word for ‘miss’. It seemed too oblique to be humour. The ending of the chapter felt anticlimactic to me, where it could have (and should have) built tension. I would drop the last paragraph. I reckon “Let’s move” is a better line for propelling the reader into the next chapter.

Shrike forgot a couple of rules: 6) - Don't quit! and 7) - Don't you dare quit!! Glad to hear you've no intention of it. I really don't think it's a bad story. There is lots of action (I'm guilty of too much sequel, and prequel for that matter), and a number of different characters that seem to have scope to develop. Theavis does too, but these events are so compressed that he's not going to have time of character development, but he could still be more convincing. Shrike makes a good point (one of many) that it may be something you need some distance from, and to develop your skills then come back to it. There's no reason that you can't continue to submit and complete submitting it here even if you've started planning something else.

And thank you Rohyu, much appreciated. Ash will not have researched the drug thing, I suspect, but you're right of course to consider the detail, and it would add authenticity to be more specific (in passing). I will mention to her, and you other comments. : o )