Robinski

Correct - slang / abbreviation of 'end of discussion'.

Hmm..., I didn't feel that there was any more description of Thomas than there was of Kyle, who had a purple smoking jacket and tight-fitting trousers, if I remember correctly. I think I skipped on pretty quickly from this without really noticing the homoerotic tension. Probably just my emotional obtuseness!

Straight into the details, overview at the end. (Chp.2 re-write) I think words like “long-haired” and “tight-fitting” usually are hyphenated. There are several other examples throughout that I would hyphenate if it was me - which it's not! “’A very good evening to you, sir.’ He tipped a bottle of Veylandian red in Ambrose’s direction. ‘No. Thank you.’” – I love this technique. It’s so effective. A question is asked without words, therefore not cluttering up the dialogue, and also emphasising another sense, sight, instead of the perennial hearing. “but I fear your to you're going to...” “He cut another slice of grilled eel and took a” – we already know the eel is grilled. “Ambrose did not join him in his toast.” – A subtly disparaging line – I like it. I like the closing line of the chapter too. It gives information but also a sense of drama at what is implied to be an audacious enterprise. It drives plot and drama and conflict. Nicely done. (Chapter 3) “rolling melon” – lol “Thomas strode in that relaxed, easy way of his.” Seems like there’s a word missing here, in the sense of ‘Thomas entered in that relaxed way of his.’ If he was walking past, I could see that ‘strode in that way’ would work, but I feel in this sense it’s trying to be ‘strode in in that relaxed way’. I hope I'm making some kind of sense. I have trouble thinking of Ambrose as on ‘old’ scoundrel, and isn’t Thomas older? “Something in his tone made Thomas stop pacing and looked into his eyes” ‘Thomas!’ He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his.” – This is odd, I don’t think I’ve ever commented on the problem this way round, but I don’t see how you can have two different he’s and him’s and his’s in the same sentence, it’s not clear what’s going on. Can laughter be ‘dim’? I would say that was a light-based adjective. Then again, a dull sound is alright. Hmm..., interested in other opinions. Ele’s departure is the first bum note that I’ve felt in the story so far. I wasn’t convinced by their argument, which there seems to be no basis for. I can see that she’s feisty, and that Ambrose has a temper on him, but I it felt manufactured to me. Ele seems like a good character and we may not have seen the last of her, but I'm left feeling that she was just wheeled into this one scene to add tension. “urine-scented” “but that would have involved human interacting interaction” If Ambrose is seeking to avoid human interaction, I'm surprised that he chose to leave the house. “should have been feeling some sense guilt. or wrongness about it” – he is feeling wrongness about his reaction to it. “or Thomas would order fossite” But Thomas has already done that, I don’t follow. Do you mean more fossite? Whoa, whoa whoa. Kyle was a member of the Guild, surely that was why he was able to use the ‘foul liquid’? How the heck is Ambrose going to be able to use it – can anyone become imbued with this fantastical ability then? Could Ele do it? I did not get that from the conversation that Ambrose had with Kyle. “It was beginning to seem like whatever Lyle had done simply did not work for him.” – I think there’s a fundamental issue with this sentence. If he doesn’t know what Lyle did, how can he expect to do it? What is he supposed to do when he hears the sound? For me, there is a flaw in this ill-conceived attempt to use the ‘magic’. “he had said anyone could do it” – Did he? I totally don’t remember that. “upper lip pulled back and both ears pointing eastward” – rofl “Others were more larger” I like the ‘descent’ into the song, but the thing about the brother’s grave threw me for a loop. Did he have a brother? Is he imagining that? Then it’s not used for anything in the scene, so it seems like it’s from another story, not relevant here at all. If he has a brother, why didn’t he come up in Ambrose’s conversation with Ele? The rest of the ‘dream’ (I'm sure it’s not, but for want of a label...) sequence is a bit weird. I suppose it’s to be expected that it doesn’t make sense, but there is mention of things that don’t seem to relate to anything in the real world. Breath seemed an odd statement. Oh well, no doubt things will be explained in due course. In summary, as always, I really enjoyed the style and the language – it’s a pleasure to read. I enjoyed the characters, although some of their choices and reactions did not entirely convince me. I particularly enjoyed the forward movement of the plot in this chapter. There are actions and conflict, but they continue to progress the story at a fair pace, which I am finding satisfying. More please!

(Straight into the detailed comments – summary at the end) Why doesn’t he search for the stuff? The spirit blades are clearly important, and there are mounds in the snow marking the location of his possession? I guess it will delay him, so really, he’s choosing the living over the dead. I think you could make a bit more of that, the dilemma and the choice he makes. “I really wish I didn’t lose that Firethorn.” – I really wish I hadn’t lost that... Over the months, I’ve formed the impression that there’s a real aversion to using the word ‘had’ (i.e. past tense) in a lot of the writing submitted on the forum, any views out there? “That could prove useful.” Obvious thoughts like this are unnecessary, I think. “head of a caribou” – is it a satyr if it’s got an animal’s head? “I head heed the call” I'm still having trouble with the amount of telling that he’s doing in his thoughts to self. I tend to think you could show all these things through his actions and the reader would be able to accept them as logical without having it explained to them. Also, what is it in the corral that is burning? I think I’ve mentioned before that the onomatopoeic words like ‘crash’, etc. – for me – add nothing to the drama, and are rather distracting. “What’s in the igloos? Captives or Neetut? Is my father in there? I detour away from the cave crawling towards the igloo.” Just a case in point about the monologue, I'm not sure what Kang’s thoughts add here. If he goes from noticing the igloo to moving towards it, the reader is automatically thinking ‘He must be wondering what’s in the igloo. He’s looking for him father, therefore it’s reasonable for him to think he might be in there.’ I don’t get it. Okay, maybe the spirit blades don’t pose a great threat, but it’s still a sharp bit of wood, right? That’s enough to stab someone. I don’t see why the bad guys would allow them to keep the blades. Even as a way to disrupt morale, I would have thought that breaking or burning the blades would be one of the enemy’s early thoughts. I don’t get the joke / irony about the bow being the weapon that (almost) kills Kang. Is the entire satyr not dead then? If he’s body’s dead that I think it’s a dead satyr. I think the battle with the Neetut is the first thing that Kang would notice on entering the cave, not the funky lighting effects of the geological features, or the size of the cave. Betsi sounds like a name that would be painted on a Flying Fortress, rather than one for a crossbow – it’s a bit 1940’s sounding to me. It’s been nagging at me for a bit, I think. Also, I don’t believe that a single crossbow arm is going to stop and axe blow. Surely that’s going to cleave right through and reach some part of Kang. I'm finding the dialogue tags rather cumbersome. ‘she says to the satyrs’ for example, is obvious, because there is no-one else that there that the statement has the right context for. In summary, there is plenty of action in this submission, as there has been in the others to date. That is good and generally enough to keep me reading. There are some things that bother me in the style, like much of Kang’s internal monologue (not all though) and the dialogue tags. Rescuing nearest and dearest is certainly a decent motivation for a story, but it doesn’t feel like a novel arc given how close to his father Kang is. You’ve set up the potential for Kang to get magical training but, again, that doesn’t feel very epic, so I'm still wondering what’s going to sustain the story in the long term. Still interested to keep reading however, hope these comments are helpful.

Hey, you totally did, I wouldn't have deputised otherwise.

Straight into the comments, summary at the bottom. I think using numbers in narrative, certainly in a fantasy story, is disorienting. I guess in SF it’s more in keeping due to the technical aspects, but in Fantasy, it feels out of place to me. Wow, Theavis is sixteen? I did not get that at all – I think he comes across much older, like thirty. There are a lot of characters named at the start here and I really don’t remember that many of them. It might be Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS), but if there is some way to just tag them with one word or two at most it might help the reader keep track, if it’s an issue for alpha readers. McTuggard and Norlord, I have no issue with, and Sterling is the angry man, hard to forget that, but the others I struggle to remember. “There is not time...” awkward – suggest, “There is no time” Why are they only learning about the black bridge now? Is this not something that would have been conveyed immediately? “A legion of creatures creature's...” – the apostrophe is possessive. “There was no sign of the other mages Mage's. Theavis's gaze wandered...” – again with the apostrophe, although second use is fine. Yikes, real cliff-hanger ending – but I don’t think that’s out of tone with the story. In summary, I still like the epic scale of the story, huge geological features shifting around. I think that aspect could even be emphasised a bit more. The magic is interesting, unexplained – which I don’t mind. It’s almost like superpowers in the way that it’s used. The characters don’t seem especially deep, maybe a tad one-dimensional at the moment which again, to me, gives the story a blockbuster-y, superhero-y feel. I don’t mind that either. Not everyone should be writing WoT or GoT. The others make some good comments that I will say I tend to agree with in terms of Past vs. Present and Theavis as a character. The addition of more action is good, but it should come with threat, which I think could be accentuated more. Looking forward to seeing if McTuggard gets torched (Nah, it’ll never happen). In that vein actually, not sure that the enemies here feel like much of a threat.

I'll aim to get to that before next week's submissions (if I can get caught up with this week's! Roll on the weekend...).

Best cowboys in space show, ev-errrrr! "Next time you want to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face."

Thanks Kammererite, great comments, very helpful to my girl, I'm sure. I'm currently motivating her with pearls of wisdom from Writing Excuses, and to spend time thinking about the plot before she puts fingers to keyboard

Yup - thanks!

I would normally provide a summary of my impressions above the line and detailed comments below the line, but as soon as I started reading your story, I felt I wanted to finish it. I am hooked from the first paragraph. Straight away I'm engaged by the way Esther perceives the world around her and the way your describe it. The way you describe the hair brushing, the stars and the air is intoxicating. We then go from the very intimate scene in Para.1 to a suddenly intense and threatening situation after Para.2 with a very light touch. There’s an almost fairytale quality to the writing, perhaps due to the economy of phrasing and the short sentences. I found it just made the reading easier without detracting from the imagery or the sense of setting, which is was able to picture without difficulty, even though there isn’t a great deal of description. There is some very nice foreshadowing of key elements, not immediately obvious at all, but clear as a bell once the truth unfolds about the splinter (for example). I thought that was nicely done. The flashbacks, if that’s the right word, were only slightly jarring at first. The second one seemed a little on the long side. I do find myself asking what age Sia is in the present since, like others, I had presumed Esther to be maybe mid to late twenties, judging from her confidence / calmness and seeming experience. I guess perhaps she's younger, but I'm not sure she came across that way. All-in-all, a very satisfying and enjoyable read. Have you submitted this anywhere? If not I would get a couple of edits done and start submitting forthwith. ----------------------------------------------------------------- “In the mirror, Esther she saw” – The name repeats very quickly after the previous mention, which I always find awkward. When she’s the only one there, I think you can go a (relatively) long way before you need to mention her name again. “all right” – alright I got too caught up in the story to bother with line edits, but I’ll happily tracked some suggestions in the Word document if that would help. I dare say it’s all stuff you would pick up yourself with grammar checker anyway.

Thanks for the comments, much appreciated, (I'm just taking dictation there by the way - Ed.). The main issue seems to be the lack of clues to the direction of the story, which is understandable as it is being discovery written so, while there are general ideas of theme, the specifics are not yet known, but will no doubt be foreshadowed in the edit. The fact that peeps seems to be drawn in by the characters is great news, and hopefully will only be strengthened by the later insertion of foreshadowing / clues. The ashtray is definitely causing mass confusion (I picked this up too; big style - like, huh?! - Ed.). Easy enough to adjust to clarify. Shrike has it right that the ashtray was thrown. The 'English voice' aspect is interesting. Clearly there are some easy fixes to the bits that stick out in terms of correcting phrasing. I am living in Canada for a year. The Michigan setting is somewhat random, but intended to more closely associate with Halloween. The Scottish (and Irish) tradition of 'guising' is apparently recorded as early as 1895 (wiki says), but does not have the place in popular culture that Trick-or-Treat does. Male vs. Female voice - hmm. So in the US, is Ashleigh female and Ashley male? Not so over here. Roxanne is my middle name. Ashley is my first name, so not intended as a male-sounding pen name. It's really encouraging to get all your positive (and negative!) comments about being engaged with the characters. I hope to submit another (middle?) section this coming Monday and maybe the third bit will be the last bit - who knows, I'm discovery here!!

Sorry to hear that, glad you're back.

Part of the problem with Renfield is I have no idea what his motivations are. What is he trying to achieve? What is driving him? Why does he go to the Book Depository? As I mentioned above, I found that in the early parts of the story character actions are a bit directionless.

As usual, detailed comments below. I like the action in Stephanie’s scenes now, and that there is some real progression to her story, things getting very much worse for her and giving her a challenge. She is also in conflict with a lot of people now, and Irving’s deception is in play. This is all good, and makes me want to read on, whereas I felt that before people were kind of stumbling around without any real motivation or purpose. The hacking of the lift bugged me a good deal. There’s no way you can just stuff a couple of wires into key hole. Details have to be convincing to be accepted by the reader, I think, even if it’s just throw-away stuff. Stephanie knows the alarm has been trigged, but she just marches into the basement with a torch. Surely she should be more cautious, expecting to find an enemy there, but she seems completely incautious and rather amateurish in her actions. The end of Chapter 8 felt awkward to me. Her saying “get up” doesn’t seem the tensest point to end on. -------------------------------------------------------------- “partially mostly” “Lead Zepplin” – Led Zeppelin Seem s like the first ‘elevator’ should be foyer or something like that. I do like the alternative history about Oswald and the fact that he actually shot JFK – ha, ha. Seriously though, good line about him being Dracula’s servant. I felt there was a lack of description of the scene. I felt that Renfield was alone, so there was no chance of anyone else coming into the lift, but I presume from the statement that there are people milling around, they just aren’t described. The phrasing about the basement tripped me up. I mean, it’s not the basement that spills the blood, so I would have thought something like “Far more blood was spilled in the basement...” When you start talking about the bed, has Renfield passed through the hidden door? I had no sense that he did, which makes it sound like the bed and everything is out in the general basement. If that was the case, surely it’s been there since 1963, and the authorities would have found it. You use Renfield almost every time you refer to him. I think it’s too much. Once you’ve said ‘Renfield’ once you can use ‘he’ for much longer before using the name again. I feel like I'm reading “Renfield looked at Renfield’s reflection in Renfield’s shaving mirror...” Lithe and slim mean the same thing. Also, “hampered with experience”? Should that be inexperience? And I would think “hampered by.” Further, what tense is this section in – I presume it’s a recollection, but the use of tense didn’t convince me. I did like the scene though, it’s a very dispassionate description of a gruesome, heartless event. Is her name meant to change from Sophie to Sophia? “fed to his master” I like the exploration of some of Renfield’s past deeds, but I feel that the writing could be tidied up. I also don’t feel anything towards the setting, which isn’t really described at all. This puts a lot of weight on the characters to carry the story. “tore into Jack’s apartment”? The sentence isn’t complete. “He isn’t okay” – did you mean? “stared blanked blankly” “to bring him again”? Why put a break in before she grabs the hoodie? There doesn’t seem to be any passage of time, and there’s no change of scene. Next step that who had in mind? I don’t get that. Irving? It’s not clear to me. “getting option”? – Don't’ understand. Her hacking the lift it totally unconvincing, there’s no way you can just stuff a couple wires in the keyhole. That’s designed to open up the panel. I can’t believe that there are any key circuits behind that, or that she can see where the wires are going. How are they connected to the key points in the circuit? There is no “they” arriving in the basement, just Stephanie. “sidearm” – one word. There are a lot of words that I think should be hyphenated. I’ve not commented on them throughout, looking back, safe-house is one, I think, living-room, another. That’s my view, worth checking. “so as not to wake Renfield” – This is redundant, it’s completely obvious why she’s walking softly. Why is Renfield’s head small – bizarre!

For me, the weather is central, in the sense that it's the reason our 'hero' is in the story at all, his profession. That said of course, if it wasn't him it would be someon else I suppose. I just didn't think that weather control was a big deal.

Yeah - what Shrike said.

lol

Hi Rohyu - can I be a pest (yes, I can!), and request that you tag the topic titles with the chapter numbers each week? Not that I go back and forth between them, but occasionally people post way after the even and it can be a little confusing.

Hello. This is the Alpha Readers thread. Somewhere at the start there is a link to the Dropbox account.

Eh, nope. There were two or three things in it when it started, but it's sunk without trace. Hey Silk, in light of the discussion, what are the chance of pinning the Alpha Readers thread? What do you think?

It's been a while since I read any Lovecraft, but I still have nightmares about the adjectives.

Send me your email and I'll PayPal you a nickle (or is it ten cents now?). Having said that, not sure that I've got a straight answer to this one. As you say, reciprocation is awkward if you use the alpha reader thread / Dropbox account, whereas at least if you do chapters you can keep pace with the goodwill. One the other hand, some peeps might prefer to have the whole thing. I'm not a quick reader, so you'd probably get my comments on the whole in installments anyway. Short answer, I'm not fussed, happy to read it either way.

Okay, so this is my daughter's first serious foray into writing fiction, but don't go easy on her - I know you won't : o ) It's the first part of a short story. Usual stuff, what worked for you what didn't, etc. etc. Thanks for reading! (Perhaps I should have said, she's an adult! She's not like 12 or something, not with language like that in my house!!)