Robinski

I'm going to have to take issue with the definition. Myanmar has not existed as a country for very long. While Britain may have invaded Burma, it has never invaded Myanmar. I think the author's definition is rather imprecise. A raid, by definition, is not an invasion, there is no intention to occupy territory.

I found the submission easy enough to read, but did have some issues. Grammar wise, there are still quite a few typos and I think the tense slipped a couple of times. I forget earlier submissions, but I think it's improved. “distorts” sounds like his body is actually changing, but I'm not sure that actually what you meant? I like that he finds his father and that he’s alive but ‘turned’ – it’s a good conflict going forward. The dead half-women though – I presume it’s not the girl he met earlier? I was surprised that his thoughts didn’t confirm that. Have we seen the woman before, was she at the mansion? Why do they strip the soldier to his small clothes, are the warlocks prudish? It just seems an odd detail also; I found the description of the chests awkward, and unnecessary. “domesticate” Pretty major info dump from the Matronly Warlock. “That’s ominous” – better to let the reader feel that than tell them how to feel, I think. “You have nothing to offer me in any case” – she instantly changes her position from wanting to talk to him to this. It felt weak and then she seems to contradict herself, again. Lumi’s reappearance felt sudden. I felt that he might have spared her a thought during the conversion scene before, but it’s probably just Weekly Reader Syndrome and me forgetting where she was left the previous week. I found Lumi’s speech unconvincing. Planning and tactics is boring, but expedition planning is not? Also, I would hardly say that their cursory discussion constituted tactics. The planning came over rather clunky to me, I wasn’t all that convinced.

Similarly, I'd like to submit, if there's a gap.

Australia New Zealand Japan Sri Lanka Myanmar USA Mexico Argentina Brazil Colombia Uruguay Peru Chile Sweden Norway ?

Or I could be amazingly perceptive - but your answer is more likely :-) In the course of a single working day, a man gambles all his money away, crashes his car and loses his girlfriend.

Good start - bonus points if anyone can name a Liberal PM!

Thank you - that's very charitable, so without me looking it up: Margin Call Swimming with Sharks The Shipping News Se7en The Usual Suspects LA Confidential Pay It Forward 21 The Life of David Gale Beyond the Sea The Negotiator K-Pax Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Horrible Bosses Horrible Bosses 2 etc. New question: Without looking it up, name 10 previous Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom - i.e. David Cameron doesn't count.

Andrew didn't once need a lie, since I ultimately make lies irrelevant, very evidently so. THATSEASYFORYOUTOSAY! (p.s. This game is AWESOME!!!)

Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure - nailed on!!

Any and all comments greatly appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

Thank you Rohyu, good comments. It's nice to know that casting has people interested. I hope I have kept the promise in latter stages of revealing more about casting. As to Dyllis's opening up. I think maybe I just need to show some reticence in her reveal, but I'll be interested to see how people take a development that is coming down the track a little ways. It caused a fairly strong reaction in my online writing group.

I guess it's a bit archaic / formal, but I have used it before.

ROFL

Details below. I enjoyed the banter between Steph and Renfield, but my main issue was that I thought she trusted him rather quickly, going to sleep in his presence, when they had been fighting like hell a few hours before. I'm enjoying the characters now, and the mystery of Steph’s visions, which is starting be built upon, but there are still times when Renfield comes over as weak and scared, but it seems out of context with his other actions. Another thing, I didn’t really understand that blocking of the rail car and what it looked like / how it was arranged. Looking forward to the next submission. Chapter 16 “heart pounded in lock and step” – lock? Is that a typo? Don’t get it. “dark, hairy form” – hairy almost made me laugh, then there’s repetition of ‘hair’. Sightseeing – lol. “keeping her eyes peeled for moment” – very awkward. ‘Keeping her eyes peeled’ is okay, but ‘for a moment’ slows things down. And surely she’s keeping her eyes peeled the whole time? We’ve had description of everything that she sees, so it certainly seems that way. I got the impression that Renfield was bent over looking at something on the ground, so it seemed weird that he was looking for a train car. The Charles Barkley reference was a bit random, but I enjoyed it. “The whole thing seemed like a pig farm” Words like “seemed” are the enemy, I have discovered – ‘felt’ is another one. I’ve come to think that these noncommittal words take the place of other, better words. If the carriage is used for transporting animals, doesn’t it smell like a pig farm? Are they inside the train car suddenly? I didn’t ‘see’ them going in, but Stephanie pushed Renfield into the floor? “parkour runner with rabies” – lol, like this little comic book style comic interjections. “She could feel its hot breath on her face, sound of its long claws rattling inches away from her neck” – This bothered me. If it’s that close to her it must not be planning to attack, or it should have ripped her head off already. Because of this, I'm not convinced by her being able to cage the wolfman. Is see what you’re going for, but the timing felt off to me. “Two wild blue eyes shined shone in the darkness” – couldn’t resist that one. “Every time she encountered a tight fit with Jason, he’d make a snide comment” – Jason doesn’t strike me as such a cad from what I’ve read of him so far. “So what now?” Renfield said aimlessly” – Not sure he’s aimless if he’s considering what comes next. “putting her hair on the floor” – sounds weird, did you mean ‘head’? Chapter 17 “causing Renfield to tremble” – tremble makes him sound so weak The repetition of the names in the dialogue is irritating. ‘he’ and ‘she’ are invisible words, like ‘said’. We know who is talking. Using ‘he’ and ‘she’ after the first mention of the names will make the dialogue read much more smoothly. “Stephanie turned her head like a dog failing to comprehend a command” – to me this means ‘Stephanie tilted her head’, it sounded awkward to me. “having obviously struck a nerve” – this thought seems to be from her perspective. “she looked into the distant, dark train yard” – I'm still not picturing the set-up of this train car. “my Master” – I'm thinking it’s a tell-tale that he still calls D this. “wouldn’t kill him in the morning.” – Why would she wait till the morning? Chapter 18 “deep-seededseated fantasy involving you, clowns and an angry midget” – seated is the phrase, I believe – nice line. I like the quipping. “Renfield was quiet for a moment. Then he spoke, “I’m not exactly sure.” Sorry, I know I'm commenting on style again, but I reckon you could greatly improve the flow by cutting a lot of excess words. “loads more well-connected” – I start to question Stephanie’s level of sophistication (and education) when she comes out with phrases like this. At what I presume is her level, I would think she would say something like “much better connected”. “Dracula’s pale white chull” – lol “M-Master” – Huh, is ? “For a crazy bastard, he’s a lot more observant than I thought.” – Her noticing that he didn’t make a phone call is not observant – pretty obvious, I think. “only one of us is on the run from the guy on the second floor” – I'm not sure who that is. Bannister is trying to eat both of them at night, but is he chasing either in the daylight? I thought he was trying to lie low. Isn’t Stephanie more likely to be hunting Bannister? “Another dead-end” She seems quite trusting of Renfield already and what he tells her – especially falling asleep next to him. What’s to stop him from strangling her, considering that they were at each other’s throats a few hours ago?

Thank you, Kammererite, very helpful comments indeed. Good spot on the first sentence, and quite right, I will need to fix that continuity oversight, and will also tweak the Benam 'feint'. I'm interested in your comment on the Dyllis sentence. Is it the sentence structure itself, the use of the word 'affecting'? I sure that's grammatically correct, but maybe I could phrase the sentence better. Very good point about Covelle. There is more on this later, but I could trail it slightly earlier. Not that he has a crew on call, but that he has 'associates'. Typo - thanks. I'm really pleased that the magic is intriguing you. I'm concerned about how well it pays off as things go on. I see that you're concerned about how ready to talk Dyllis is. I'll see how I feel when I read it back, but I suspect I could improve that with a couple of tweaks. Yeah, the catalyst comment is pretty much meant to make things clear (show) without coming out and telling it. I've finished several novels, but this is the first one ever to half a magic 'system'. Because I'm not given to that approach, it's not all that prescriptive / Sandersonian, but it's my biggest step in that direction to date, so I'm still kind of feeling my way. No doubt there will be tidying up required in the edit, but your reaction to it will be very helpful to me. Most excellent comments - thank you, Kam.

Thank you, RD, I really appreciate you taking the time to go back and get up to date. The title of this chapter actually comes from the WE writing prompt, and so probably needs to get cut, I'm afraid, but I was drawn to it also. I'm afraid I can't take the credit for it sparking your interest! Very glad you liked the reveal and reactions to it, but I note your info dump concerns, and Covelle's openness. I'm sure you're right. I feel that I've learned a lot about these characters in the course of writing 30 chapters, and will no doubt adjust some of their reactions when I start editing at the beginning. Yeah, pacing, I hear you. It's a big chunk 'sequel', I suppose, and trimming Covelle's reveal might help with that. I certainly don't want to bring things down too far. Excellent comments, as ever. Much appreciated.

Thank you, RD. Yeah - the italics is totally out of place. It's their to show events that are out of the time line - in the past, actually. I wasn't sure how best to do that, but pretty much everyone has picked up the italics. I shall think on it. I think it's the only italics in the m/s, so not appropriate. Elsewhere, I've just said 'thirty years ago', etc. - but that doesn't seem appropriate to me here, as I almost don't want the reader to know these events are out of time. Hmm..., just had a thought I've also had other calls to show the fight between Benam and his opponents, and have pretty much decided to put that in. Glad that Ahma still interests you. I hear what you say about pacing, and that has been a common comment. I do need to try and streamline the earlier sections. I will look to wield the knife when editing. Great comments, thanks!

I would like to submit on Monday, if that is okay.

Great comments RD. Interestingly, you have reciprocated my views on Irving with your reaction to Ahma. I must say you are in the minority as most seem to have taken against her - for reasons that I understand. I did set out to reduce her sympathy slider (yes, that's where I am in listening to the Writing Excuses 'cast), and it's worked, but the problem is she becomes the POV that turns (most) people off. My challange is to turn her round and make her sympathetic, and I think it gives me a great opportunity for the later stages of the story. The bigger problem is that many of her sections are quite slow. I'll be interested in your perspective going forward as one of the few Ahma 'supporters' at this early stage. I'm glad that the early Benam section worked for you. I felt it was necessary for just that reason, to allow the reader to fix the time transition in their head because of the changes in Benam. It's very satisfying to me that you found it effective! Thank you again, really appreciated.

Chapter 3 of Waifs and Strays. Your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you!

ROFL - I'm re-watching X-files right now in anticipation of the new season! Great quip! My point is, Scully wears a jacket over her blouse. Why draw attention to Scully's blouse, but not Mulder's shirt? It just makes me think of society's innate sexism.

Sorry, I'm a crabby old man!! I hereby undertake to stop carping on about the typos. Call me on it if I do again. That's bad critiquing on my part. Mid to late twenties - I can buy that. Probably my 'old man bias' creeping in. Inevitably with a first draft. I think you talked about cutting Irving's POV. I'll pipe up here and say that, for me, Irving's internal conflict between helping his wife and using Stephanie is one of the best aspects of the story, and I for one think the story would be diminished without it.

Yeah, this is by far my biggest issue with the story, mostly in relation to Renfield.

I should qualify. Maybe you should count me as a half. I understand that quantum theory involves the potential for alternative outcomes or states, so I did understand what you were doing with the parallel(?) strands. I found that mostly effective. There were maybe a couple of places where I felt their distinctiveness could have been a little clearer (I mentioned the end). What I was trying to say before was that I felt how simplistic and incomplete my understanding was, and it made me a bit frustrated, but through no fault of the story.

Notes below, conclusion, there is some progress of the plot, although not a great deal. A bit of tension, a bit of action. I read quite quickly through, but have to constantly steel myself against the typos and awkward phrasing. My big gripe is the amount of stating the obvious, repeating things that the reader can clearly infer. For me, you need to cut a lot of the thoughts and let the reader infer the meaning / intentions of a line or dialogue, which are usually obvious. I'm still involved in the story, Stephanie and Renfield (and Irving) are decent characters, although I have trouble believing some of their reactions / decisions. Some of the minor characters seem a bit like cut-outs. I'm still happy to be reading. Apologies for the very late comments! Chapter 13 I'm a bit confused from the off. I thought Irving was working with the Buyer, and their plan was to exploit Stephanie. Maybe it’s WRS (weekly reader syndrome). I find it unbelievable that Westerna operates a 9-to-5 office, don’t they have some kind of 24 hour control room somewhere? Clearly the hunters work all hours, I struggle with the fact that there is not some kind of support for them. They then go into the OP centre – an OP centre that works 9-to-5?! The women are wearing blouses and the men trench coats? This seemed weird to me. I have never thought of Renfield as young. I put him maybe mid thirties? Does he “lug” Stephanie rather than “lunge” her? “I’ll do my best,” is not an encouraging response. Any decent man-manager would be having second thoughts about now. Andy sounds completely unmotivated and lacking in confidence. I would have thought that there would be other people on that team with a better mindset to lead. I think you should finish the first chapter on “rooks”. We know Irving’s going to make calls. That last line kills the tension of the ending for me. Chapter 14 I presume it’s a first draft. I haven’t commented on various drafting issues, I'm trying to stop doing that, life’s too short, but they are distracting. This said, as a case in point, Page 9 of the submission, repetition of “hands” in the same sentence. Rookie question here probably, but why does she think he’s taking her to Dracula. Doesn’t everyone know that Dracula is presumed dead? Again, I'm probably just forgetting earlier events. It bothers me the Renfield has such poor self-control that he almost goes to pieces when she says who she is. This is an experienced operative, I expect better ‘mind game’ chops from him in the field. “boating accident” – rofl, great line. Renfield dropping the gun goes again to his amateurism. It’s hard to imagine how he has developed any sort of reputation, unless it’s only for wrangling young, defenceless women. What happened to Bannister’s first strike? I think many of Stephanie’s thoughts are unnecessary. The reader can easily infer what’s going on or the correct thing to take from an action, her words mostly just repeat what is obvious already. I'm thinking of other transformation to lycanthrope form (Harry Potter / Underworld). This seems tame by comparison, really only to do with the teeth. The phrasing suggests the transformation in complete (once-man), but is it really? Chapter 15 “a litany of worse case scenarios quickly populated Renfield’s mind immediately following that thought” I find that wordy phrasing like this really slows down the action. Should I know what “the twenty-one rule” is? “He didn’t quite know why he had kicked the gun out of her hands. He just know he had to” This contradicts the sentence immediately before. The kicked the gun away because Bannister is off-limits, but the statement seems redundant anyway, as he’s not off-limits to a hunter, presumably. “mentally groaned at the sight of Bannister being anyone’s therapist” – again, you don’t allow the reader time to laugh before you explain the joke “A guttural howl charged through the air” – I think that word refers to ‘charged with tension / fear’, sort of thing, rather than charged like a bull.