Robinski

Diving right in – summation at the end. “Stephanie jerked outright upright” “She had been moved to a different room. Stephanie She nearly slopped off of the leather couch, but Evelyn’s hands fell upon her shoulders, steadying her. She looked into the woman’s calm face. Up close, Stephanie She could see tiny incision marks even along the Evelyn’s cheek and forehead.” – We know it’s Stephanie – the heavy repetition of names is awkward. When we are in such a close POV it’s unnecessary, frequent naming is really only needed if they are two women in the conversation, and even then only when you’re mentioning them close together. “I’m doing wonderful, Evie” – lol. “interned with Victor Frankenstein” – lol. “I researched every single one of my . . . donors” – Cool, and... icky. The tea appears in her hand awful quickly. “His Her father never spoke on the subject” “Irving opened a drawer and pulled out a bottle of scotch he had saved for days like this” – It’s clichéd, it’s hackneyed, it reeks of all those 70’s and 80’s cop shows and I absolutely love it. Good place to leave the chapter too, and that was a great one, loads of tension and sparking between Irving and Harker. I'm still firmly of the belief that Irving is a better character, which more conflict than anyone else. “her dark blonde hair falling off of the leather couch” – You need another word than ‘falling’, which sounds as if her wig fell off – try ‘spilling’. “Renfield averted his eyes as she did so. Otherwise, they would have run ran down her toned form...” - ????? And I don’t think you need his thoughts thereafter. Let the reader’s imagination do the thinking here, don’t tell them what to feel. “The grown-ups are talking and they locked us in the basement” – lol. “blood-sucking elephant” – rofl. Yup, good chapters, enjoyed these a good deal, even though they are short and sweet, there is barrel loads of personal conflict, which is fine by me. What I would say is that we’ve several chapters like this in a row, like at least six, I think, so I'm hoping we get some action next to avoid getting stuck in a rut tonally. Bring it on!

Straight to it – over-arching comments at the end. There an erroneous reference to pocket twice in a sentence, but I also didn’t understand the point about putting a hood on the backseat passenger when Stephanie is in the boot. Their banter on this read weird to me, as they seem to be arguing the same viewpoint. I didn’t think that ‘shook’ was the right word for the car – I was thinking in terms of it ‘lurching’. ‘Shook’ sounds like several movements. The description of the woman that Stephanie sees is weird to me. Sounds like she has a massive nose and I don’t see how her shoulders can glint, or how her hips can fall against the dress. And how is there wind inside a building? At best, it’s a draft. I don’t understand the logic of Lancaster’s statement about Frankenstein destroying one monster vs. the other. All the capitalisation of ‘assistant’ is driving me mad. “is the least troublesome thing on that” “You played with Star Trek Barbie dolls?” Renfield said. - I get the sense that this is said in admiration!! “The best she could get for (from?) her people was a twenty four hour head start. The worst was a bullet between the eyes for each of them.” – I don’t follow, does she expect the monsters to overrun her people, or is she talking about the best she can do for the monsters? In that cast, I think it should be ‘from’. “to role roll with it” Nice end to Chapter 24, definitely made me want to read on. Okay, so I'm still enjoying the story. I like the short chapters, they really help to keep things moving along and there’s a decent progression inn events too. A fair amount of exposition in this submission, but when you’ve got characters interacting and sparking off each other, you can carry that stuff off. And I like the tone and the subject matter of the story, I feel that we’re getting to the good stuff, the root of the plot and the conflict, which is good. My main complaint, as usual (broken record – sorry), is the need for polish in the prose and description. There are some elements of phrasing and certain facts that, for me, don’t make sense or are not logical, but a good proof read would pick those up, and this is a first draft (right?), they’re all fixable. Onwards and upwards – hopefully I can get caught up by next week.

Arrghh - got 2 weeks ahead of myself - meant to post in 23 to 25, and you can't delete posts? Anyway, wiped the text that was in here...

Details comments below. Overall, there’s a good feeling of tension in the pursuit which kept up throughout the first part of the submission. I like that it works well in the wintery setting, which I still have a good impression of from your scene setting. I’ve been finding some of the dialogue a bit clunky in places, for example “Thank the spirits we are saved” sounded rather melodramatic to my ear, whereas “what is our status?” sounds very modern to me. Also, I have issues with the speed and distance implications of the pursuit, which I’ve detail below for consideration. It’s maybe more of the summation point, but I’ll mention here (even though there’s another week to go) that I thought the characterisation is not all that deep. Kang is certainly brave, and seems to hit on the reason for the attacks, so he’s not daft. He reacts strongly to his father being in danger, of course, so he’s loyal and willing to sacrifice himself. So, Kang’s a standard hero figure – no complaints about that – he has qualities that I'm sure we’d all hope we could show in such a situation. Kang’s father is good too – showing much to admire in the early stages, then turning out to be damaged and doomed later on. I feel though that the rest of the cast feel a bit off-the-shelf. Villainous ‘witch’ and henchmen/beasts; plucky female sidekick; rather aloof intellectual / religious authority figure; and some pretty anonymous soldiers. I realise it’s not a long piece, but it might be worth considering some surface quirks or back-story for bit players which makes them a touch more interesting although only in passing. The stuff about the mystery of why the druids attacked seems to have arisen quite suddenly near the end of the story. I think if you’re going to run that as a mystery, I think it would help to introduce it earlier with reminders placed along the way as the characters try to figure it out. It felt to me like something that kind of popped up out of nowhere. This said, I enjoyed the reveal of Lumi’s position and the thought process as they work through it, but the inquisition stuff feels like new information and it seems late in the story for it to be coming out. Maybe I’ve forgotten stuff about the inquisition that was revealed earlier on. Good ending to the vial – I like that the sceptre is a turncoat and the pace of Kang’s realisation. I don’t mind that the ending is a cliff-hanger. I know Brandon is down on this, but I thinks it’s fine now and again. Looking forward to the next submission. --------------------------------------------------------- “challenge bulge” – do you mean bugle, as in trumpet, or is the creature bulging its chest? I know I'm probably harping on about this, but the story needs a careful proof read for all the typos, as a lot of them are hidden in the sense that grammar checker might not pick them up. Like “I could have taken handled it you know.” Davik’s explanation of how they got out sounds terribly forced, lots of telling. Then there is another block of exposition when the Spear Leader reports. I found that a bit more natural, because it’s in the form of a military report, but sat so close to the earlier telling, I kind of stood out. “The scepter is quite form quiet for a moment then nods” I'm surprised that they were trotting in the sleigh in the first place, knowing that their enemy was behind them and still angry. There’s a line with three ‘this’s in it which is disjointed. ‘outrun’ is one word. You don’t need to say ‘the sleigh’ twice in two sentences when Davik is pitching the food off – I think it’s disjointed. Again, the dialogue in the offloading of the sleigh could be more urgent and clipped, it still sounds rather formal and polite, given that they are in a desperate situation. Also, how much food is there? It’s taking an awful long time to toss it all off. Maybe there are some sacks with other things in them? I'm dubious about the speeds and distances involved. The pursuit was five miles back then three miles back after about 3 minutes. That means their closing speed is 40 mph. If Kang’s sleigh is travelling at, say, 20 mph (pretty slow really), the pursuit would be travelling at 60mph, which I don’t buy. At those speeds, it’ll take Kang’s sleigh 12 minutes to reach the village, whereas the other sleigh (which is 7 miles from the village) will take 7 minutes to reach the village, but only 3 minutes to catch Kang et al. My speeds could be out a bit, and maybe there are jumps in time, but the principle is there is no way they will get to the village if the other sled is closing that fast. It’s the speed of the other sleigh that’s the problem, I think. “The want there their home back” and there’s another instance of this in the next paragraph. “Heir of House Merikhiv.” “Our best defense is a good offense” is a very modern expression. I'm a gridiron fan so it threw me right out of the story.

There’s certainly quite a bit of tension and action in this submission. It’s easy to read it and the action pulled me through. I found some things stretched my credulity a bit, like Ralik not seeing Kang – which bothered me for a good part of the reading, until it plays out that he did – at which point I felt a bit stupid for not concluding that he was toying with Kang. The loss of Kang’s father is a very effective scene. I thought you handled his reaction pretty well, apart from the face-ripping-off thing, which seemed out of character to me. I'm looking forward to seeing how this concludes. --------------------------------------------------------------- I understand the references to “bulging.” I don't a reason for Ralik to speak to himself, explaining things to the reader, and again, Kang himself thinks things out to tell the reader what's happening. It's quite a bit of telling. Also, Why would Ralik give Kang a choice? I didn't get that. Kang keeps repeating about being spirit-blessed or not. I found the repetition got annoying. I counted eight times, some of them very close together. Suitably gruesome fight with the red-hot coal was effective. “I’m going to cut your face off and wear it as a mask” – Eh? I lost a massive amount of sympathy for Kang right there. Killing her out of revenge is one thing, but that’s monstrous. Various typos (eyes seam seem clear; You can’t be hear here; etc.)

Sorry for the really, really late comments. I enjoyed the story. Detail comments below, but it felt very much like the first chapter of a novel. I didn’t get any sense of closure at the end, the events didn’t really resonate in the way that a short story delivers an emotional character arc in a few thousand words. The story introduced several elements, but didn’t develop them, or that character either. I think it has potential as an introduction, but I don’t really see the merits as a short story. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “unraveled quite as planned” – I'm not sure you plan for things to unravel, which is negative, but rather to ‘play out’ or possibly ‘unwind’. “The city guard was generally—thankfully—slow to respond to summons” – Awkward phrasing. Also, city guards always seem to be “sleepy and disorganized” (i.e. a bit crap), it’s almost a cliché now, I think. “a Parliamentary member” – Don't see why this is capitalised, it’s not a name but a thing. Since when did leeches have legs? “for as long as it fancied” – Hmm, but the poison is not sentient. The length of the torpor must be determined by the subject’s physiology, surely. “Those that did the poisoning” – ‘Those who had done the poisoning’, I think. “though the voice was younger than he knew the guardsmen to be. Far younger” – Overcomplicated. No need to tell the reader the kids aren’t guardsmen. All we need to know is that it’s a child’s voice. “who spoke with the most common accent among the slum people. It was a dialect that Portsef was intimately familiar with, so he decided to respond in kind” – Again, I find this overcomplicated and telling (not showing). For me, this doesn’t need to be explained so much. “mister Sef” – Mister Sef – it’s his title. Just to repeat my earlier point about “them Parliamentary men” – if you’re going to capitalise parliamentary, then why not City Guard too? I like the slum-speak. It’s disjointed, but still just about understandable, much better than the darn-right impenetrable pigeon spoken by Spook in Mistborn. I would say that it’s a bit inconsistent in places, where it starts to become too grammatical, I thought. “Thin, worm-eaten blankets” – hyphenated. I like the fungus lamp, but presuming this is a short story, I think “a staple in the slums because it was cheap and easy to maintain; sprinkle it with water once a month, taking care to use it only when necessary, and it would glow throughout the nights” – is irrelevant detail. I'm a bit disoriented, I thought he went into the sleeping room, but when the guards come in they seem to confront him in the common room, but there’s no indication he has stood up and moved back there. “pulled sharply backward through a wall of water” – I like this description of the magical transportation.

I think you're right. Ending of the recurring line I a nice way to round things off. Very effective, I think.

As usual, Mandamon has got everything, including the 'Doh, I meant to mention that!' things. (Hi, Man! How's it going? Seems like an age.) I'm going to almost completely disagree with RDP (Sorry!). I thought the pacing was fine, and the scene with Dianna was sweet, just enough of a hint of young love lost (or not?), which suited the story perfectly. I definitely don't want any more biographical detail. For me, the story is not about the character, but about the emotional ideas. Giving the boy or the father a name would shift the focus away from the emotional journey. I don't think that's the right thing to do. I prefer to wonder (as per my comments), if the boy became/is a soldier, etc. I don't want details which would muddy the emotional waters. Personally, I would not reintroduce the italics. I think the story needs the reader to be unsure at first about what is real/present and what is dream/memory. Using separators is also awkward, agreed. What about an extra line between sections? It would be more subtle, which I think is what you're looking for, something less overt than italics or separators. The main character is an adult in the last short scene, is he not? I don't think another scene is needed. Stick with your initial instincts, I think they are very close to the mark. I don't think you need to go at this version with a heavy hand.

What a great story, I really enjoyed this. I'm not sure I quite got all the nuance of the interconnections between the ‘different’ characters, but it did not affect my enjoyment of the story. I had a distinct catch in my throat as I reached the end. That recurrence of the fatherly phrase had a similar affect on me, if not as intense, as Goodnight Moon or I’ll Love You Forever (just thinking about that one has me welling up – as any parent who has read it to their child, or has an elderly parent, will understand). Sorry – digression – back to your story! ‘Prayers for Rain’ is wonderfully gentle, yet still a powerful and thought-provoking read. In a time when gritty realism and hard-hitting violence (and language, and sex) increasingly are the flavour-of-the-month in SFF, this story is an object lesson for any new writer, I think. The lesson is that having a powerful effect on the reader does not mean dialling up the shock factor, but dialling up the emotional reaction of characters, and putting them in situations where their emotions are challenged, not their physical attributes. Excellent job, I hope you have or are planning to submit ‘Prayers for Rain’. With some polish, I would be very happy to encounter this story in an anthology. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The rain ‘breathing’ bothered me. I thought it was a bit incongruous. I felt I wanted to read ‘whisper their names to me’ – especially since that seems to chime with the rain breathing. The phrase ‘whisper me’ tripped me up. “An adult’s weight makes the edge of the mattress sag” – lovely phrase, so familiar (from old memories). The word ‘gravity’ jarred for me. “smoke-deepened voice” – excellent, I can hear it. My first thought was that the corn was involved in his breakfast, then my brain tried to see the phrase “corn and manure” as referring to both breakfast and spring. It was my third attempt to reconcile the phrasing the brought me to the point of the corn being outside – I think? Didn’t he smell the ham? “it wouldn’t make him happy” – phrase is rather passive, compared to “would make him unhappy”. Seems like the row a long way if they’ve made an early start, but don’t reach their destination until noon. Are they still on their land? When you mention the ham-and-cheese, my British sensibility tells me that he thought earlier that there was no ham to go with his eggs. I realise however, that the first reference to ham presumably means ‘bacon’, as opposed to cold ham as in ham-and-cheese. Maybe this would only be a problem for British readers, but I think it could easily be solved by substituting ‘bacon’ for ‘ham’ in the first reference. The boat being anchored threw me a bit, as I took the reference literally, my thought was that the boat would just be ‘tied-up’. I realise that is a form of anchoring, but the word threw me. I'm slightly familiar with pipe smoking, and know there can be a fair bit of back and forth with knocking out dottle and repacking the pipe, then lighting and relighting, but it seemed to me that his dad had no longer lit the pipe than he was emptying it, which felt off to me. “I hope for a fish to bite, for something to break the flow of conversation but Dad doesn’t say anything and the moment is gone.” Something about this phrasing threw me. I thought it sounded like we wanted the moment to end and yet when it does, he is regretful, like an opportunity has passed. Seemed contradictory. That is a huge amount of fish to eat. Fish is really quite filling, it is still meat after all. I couldn’t stretch my credulity to cover this bit. “He’s got his eyes closed” This phrasing felt long-winded to me, compared to “His eyes are closed,” for example. The line “turn of the TV” smacked me around the face, it seemed like a mistake because they were camping, then I get to “takes all our gear to the car”, and I'm still thinking mistake “but he doesn’t mention” – missing word “I’d have preferred if he’d asked me if I was on drugs.” This line felt over-familiar. Also, ‘college’ threw me, as I hadn’t quite grasped the time-shifting nature of the story, although I certainly knew by this point that something unusual was happening. “Next thing I know we’re in the boat” – this phrase kind of telegraphs it, but the reader should know by this point, so I had no problem with the big signpost. “The other night I had this one where I was falling through the air with a parachute.” This line made me think that the kid actually became a soldier in his adult form. “Who’s that?” Sshe asks,” – typo. “...crouches down by the shore of the water” – the whole phrase felt overly complex to me. “no problems adjusting to the the brightness” – typo. “How is this possible, Dad?” – People very rarely use names or titles in the real world, unless trying to attract someone’s attention, so this felt awkward to me. “his stuffed kangaroo cradled in his arm” – typo.

That's very kind of you. As it happens, I've used Nano to finish Waifs and Strays - so you're already on the case! Sorry I've been AWOL, but back in line now and needing to catch up with my critiquing. I'll look for a slot to continue Waifs and Strays - or might put it up for Alpha Reading, as it's an awful lot of weeks to get through it. It's topping out about Chapter 42/43.

Thank you RD and Rohyu - feedback much appreciated. Sorry for being out of circulation. I've got a huge commitment at work atm, and decided to do Nano too, which I'm barely keeping up with (although now finished, thank goodness). I just have not been able to give any time to RE at all. Hope to get through the last few submission week after next. Thanks for reading. Cheers, R

These are great comments - I found them very helpful. I've still to polish the whole thing, so I accept that some of the phrasing will be a but cluttered, but you've hit on my bad habit of run-on sentences, which is something I need to curb, and go back and fix in many instances. I don't disagree with many of your grammar point - thank you! Glad you are still enjoying it. I think I will keep posting, if it's still getting comments - spots permitting. Thanks again - much appreciated.

Wow - that seems like a huge change. So, Renfield would have been taken in as a defector essentially, but they would not know whether they could really trust him? I realise that I'm tromping all over good critiquing here having made a suggestion in the first place. Thinking about the change now, I guess that it wouldn't be fundamental to what's happened so far. Renfield could be out there are a double agent, I suppose.

Were I now to encounter relevant Cloud, long, obnoxious, unpalatable disdain is surely a measure earned and not inappropriate - eminently! Edit: Sorry, I screwed up and lost track completely, but I've left this in as it sums up how I'm feeling!!! (lol) Edit2: And I guess I should play from here, so as not to screw up continuity too badly, so: YOUWIN Yes, our unexpected winter is now. FORFARFOUREASTFIFEFIVE

Man, I hope the sky doesn't fall down if no-one gets this right. That spectre would haunt me for the rest of my days.

Ok, I thought it was instead of the bounty hunters, i.e. Renfield going after them himself. But he could hire the bounty hunters in secret and it puts him in conflict with them too, if they run into each other while he's with Andy. Just spit-balling here.

(Oh FFS - I was half way through doing the last one. I'm posting anyway, I sweated blood over this thing...) Andrew read each yarn orally until I nearly spewed. "Andrew, not enough energy, no obsequious undertones. Go harness Tony's oratory tempestuousness, and know every unparalleled, pompous thespian high exaltation. Change hair and loosen larynx, engage nuance, garner excellence. One false announcement can ridicule our numerous yearnings. Make sense?" (Then...) Every acronym should inspire exquisite replies. POOH

Still no takers? Okay, I'll have a go, but I won't get near 15... Nairobi; Kinshasa; Pretoria; Mogadishu; Lagos Monrovia; Harare; Cairo; - hopeless, but it's the best I can do.

Hmm, you could pair him up with the guy (Andy?) who he thinks is hopeless. That might produce an interesting conflict.

This is another longish submission, apologies for that. I'll try and keep chapters intact, but there are a couple coming up that are more than 5,000 so, if I keep submitting, I'll certainly break those up. If you have the time to read, I will be very grateful for any comments that you have. Cheers, Robinski

Hint: It's sort of topical. He loses his money, his car, his girl, and also has a heart-attack...

Still enjoying the story, I like the pacing. Things are happening at a decent rate and a plot is emerging. There is loads of tension between the characters, I would like to see some real jeopardy from the pursuers now, and there is some promise of that with this rogue hunter that you’ve introduced, although I found him clichéd in his short introduction. Now diving into the comments: Chapter 20 I still feel that there are areas of ‘over-writing’ where the prose could be punchier. E.g. “The best hunters in the business were name brands in and of themselves.” Don’t know what the end of this sentence does, other than reduce the drama of Irving’s thought. I enjoyed Irving’s recounting of the ‘way of the hunter’, as it were, and I think you might consider having it much further up front in the story, like Chapter 1 or 2. A lot of readers (I think) will have no idea about names like Harker (although hopefully almost all will have heard Van Helsing before). I don’t understand why being paid to rescues someone would be seen as redemption by a hunter. It’s their job anyway. I was disappointed by Irving’s attitude to Nietzsche, as it’s not one that I agree with, and given his position, I would have thought he would be able to see the parallels in it. Irving’s recollection of the quote is very awkward. It made me go and G**gle it, where I found “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” I didn’t realise that the second part of this quote was the ‘abyss’ line, which I think is much more powerful. Irving remains my favourite character. I think he has a much better conflict, or series of related conflicts, than anyone else in the story. Irving’s thoughts ex-hunters panning out and not panning out are really confused. I quickly lost interest in this section. Then, suddenly, he’s talking to someone? That felt very disjointed, and when the narrative goes on to talk about this man’s background, I have nothing to relate it to, because Irving’s making the call, and his selection of the man was not shown. I found the unknown hunter’s reactions clichéd. They reminded me of various psychopathic villains from bad 90’s cop movies. “I like them cold. I like it when they fight back.” In fact, I found the whole end of the chapter annoying. Why did Irving even phone this guy, he must have better prospects than this, surely? Chapter 21 I find the opening confusing. Why does Renfield stutter, is he scared of Bannister? The stutter makes him sound so weak, and thereby hard to route for, I think. And suddenly Stephanie is smoking? It felt like a writer-ly intervention, but I don’t see the point of it. “Renfield paused for a moment. Then he spoke, “You ever wonder...” – really unnecessary. “steer their sires” – huh? I don’t understand. I like Bannister breaking out of the handcuffs. I did not expect it, and it was dramatic, nicely judged. But what the heck is the key and where did that come from? Is the key to the cuffs? I didn’t think so. I felt confused and possibly cheated if it was a rabbit from a hat moment, considering we’ve been in Renfield’s company for some time and I don’t remember any reference to the key. Nice line to end the chapter, but in the prelude to that, if Stephanie is on the other side of the door, then Renfield cant’s see her and the description of her sounds like it’s in her viewpoint. I found that section of description confusing. Chapter 22 “What she didn’t expect is was so much awkward uncomfortably (???) in the farm house” – not make sense. “Stephanie was never good at leaving things alone” – lol. “...surprisingly serious tone” – Why is it surprising, she’s rummaging around in his bag. “still folded across her chest” – I find the repetition phrases (like this) and of words close together, awkward. What’s “Howdy Doodie”? “slanted eyes” – I think you mean narrowed eyes? “of feet behind meant Renfield wasn’t far behind” – like this. “Or lap dog if it’s a full moon” – lol. “She wouldn’t have been surprised if Bannister tore out Renfield’s throat on the spot” – mixing tenses. ‘had torn out’ would work with ‘wouldn’t have’. I know, I'm straying into detail again – I can’t help it, this stuff bugs me. “Who knew combining my favorite thing and my least favorite thing could be such an epic fail” – I don’t see the sense in this statement – it’s bound to be a fail, the logic is cock-eyed, and ‘chocolate-covered’ should be hyphenated. A lot of the phrasing around her walking to the car and his eyes being on her is awkward and confusing. The thing about the chocolate flies felt out of place to me, like it was dropped in to shock, but just ends up having no context. It felt like a writerly thing to do – in the sense that the writing should be invisible, imho.

Thank you, gentlefolk - goods comments. Some things for me to think about there, which I will! The last couple of chapter titles are a bit flipant. I'm not sure if they fit with this story. It started out differently. I had in mind to write an irreverant and rather 'bawdy' / gritty fantasy, but it hasn't really worked out that way. I till want to do that though, write a rougish story with more of a comic strand through it. I might transfer these titles to that. I will look at the reminicing again, not hitting the mark, I see. Glad some key points are working. Much appreciated - thanks!!

Occurs to me now, did you mean "contorts"?