Robinski

Seriously dude, we were separated at birth. No, wait, it's just the engineers' hive mind at work... Yeah, I have [a] my outline Word doc with all info; my Novel - a single Word file; and [c] an Excel sheet that I try to make as complicated as possible because I'm an enginer. As for injections of randomosity, pah to this new-fangled stuff, dice of finest plastic and a D&D encounter table.

Cool. Glad it was interesting. As someone said, that's my personality or 'voice', not yours. But I thought it was an interesting debate. Either way up, it's a great story. Good luck with it

Finally got around to finishing reviewing, sorry, crazy week, Glasgow Film Festival at the moment, three great films yesterday, two more today, three tomorrow, etc. Anyway – huge digression, sorry. I was more comfortable with Baxter and his verbal gymnastics this week. I'm starting to get into it, but I had some issues the exchanges between him and Kim. I’ve tagged the detail below (***), but my problems are twofold (1) that they sound alike, which I can understand to some degree, but holds danger for the reader in differentiating and risks having too few tones in the dialogue [And there’s another one. The operative possessing Kim speaks the same way too! – Ed.]; and (2) certain comments that he makes to / about Kim are hugely debasing and disrespectful. If he loves her as much as he professes (I think he professed), I find this very hard to believe even, in fact especially, in his (supposedly) vulnerable state. Also, in passing, I'm not seeing enough of his vulnerability to buy it. I'm still thinking he’s mostly a potty-mouthed pain in the chull. I’d say I was 80/20 towards PMPITA at this point. At the end of Part 2, I'm really confused. Kim’s fall seems contrived and now she’s speaking nonsense? Part of my difficulty is that I don’t know enough about the doors. I think there is a bit too much smart-mouthing for the amount of mythos I got to make me interested in the doors. I’ve read the last line several times and I guess maybe Kim knows more than has been revealed to us. If Baxter knew this and didn’t tell us I shall be mightily put out...(enters Part 3) Okay, I admit it; I like the ‘alien’ inhabitation angle. Works well apart from the tone of the interloper’s voice (see above). I say again though, I feel that lack of a reason for this stuff happening, and I’ve learned very little from the encounter. “I’d thank you for stopping by, if I knew who the storm you are, and why you bothered” – Yup, Baxter, I was thinking the same thing ;op “Life is a highway” – Tom Cochrane reference!! I win, I win Is there a prize? Seriously though, I grumped about the pop culture references and how they date the story – but how many readers will get this one, do you think? Wait, wait, ‘My Fair Lady’! – ffs, I give up, you’re a lost cause SUMMATION: All the points I'm grumping about can be fixed, if you think they are problems. Most importantly, having become accustomed to his voice [Lol, back atcha’ – Ed.], I can handle Baxter now and, yes, I admit it, I'm entertained. I complained about insufficient background on the doors, but maybe it’s not background, but insufficient threat. So, I think if you [a] dialled up the threat; differentiated the voices more; and [c] showed a little more of Baxter’s vulnerability / weakness (which doesn’t convince me when you do mention it), I think you would improve the story immensely. Very much looking forward to next week now, good job turning me round! (P.S. I wanted the chapter to end with Kim collapsing to the ground.) -------------------------------------------------------- I don’t know what ‘towheaded’ means and don’t have internet access. Mentioning popular media (like Mockingjay) really dates your story. Imagine someone reading your book in 5 or 10 years time thinking ‘What’s Mockingjay? Is it that Gregory Peck movie?’ Consider the comparison with saying ‘cinema’. “but then she emerged from the house, scowling and reluctant” – my current favourite topic is excess words, tightness / directness of writing, etc. “and proceeded to stare at him” – I think. Who is the jackass in her statement? I thought that was unclear. “spiked with distracting heat” – I feel this is a bit confused, and the food simile is very long and a bit tiresome by the end. I want to hear about their relationship, not the lunch menu. I think it’s too much like the writing showing. “the faster he could nuke” “There was very little he wouldn’t give if only she would keep talking, and very little he wouldn’t do to get her to shut up so he could keep his rust straight” – Had to read this twice. “Why won’t you look at me, damnation it?” – He’s driving the car!!! Why would the noise hit him in the mouth? Some of these metaphors are stretched a bit thin. He explains in thought why he’s taking her to see the door, but I didn’t find the explanation especially clear. You talk about Kim being in harm’s way, but I don’t know enough about the doors to accept that they pose any kind of threat to her. What are their offensive capabilities? What harm can they do in the ‘real’ world? Again, he thinks ‘given all the facts’ – but the reader has almost none of these facts, so we are not able to judge. “Just go over it again, will you—pretty please, with nudity on top” – I think you need to be careful to avoid Kim being a copy of Baxter, i.e. speaking/acting the same way. If nothing else, it makes them hard to tell apart, but it would also be less interesting than having two different ‘voices’. Here is another example where it could be Baxter talking to himself. “Being the only unbalanced person in a relationship is hard work.” > “Crazy isn’t catching; they taught me that much in nursing school” Nice description of the farmhouse and its approach. “You’re still holding me to that, huh?” – I think this is the first time he’s held her to it. *** “I have all the storms in the world to give once properly motivated” – I'm better tuned to Baxter’s brand of self-important shtick with this submission, but sometimes he goes too far for me. At its first, I feel it verges of homophobia. I mean this comment is so debasing of Kim. It doesn’t matter how well she knows him and therefore knows how to take this, but we don’t know him well enough yet, we haven’t seen how brittle he is, how damaged. “When she attempted to free her hand from his, he clamped his fingers around hers, holding on fast” – a lot of ‘his’ and ‘hers’, awkward to read. Again “He kept her in step beside him” – awkward phrasing, I thought. “alfalfa” – probably the best word in the world, you can’t say you don’t have fun saying ‘alfalfa’. *** “I’d bet you a ten minute blow job she’d lose her ever loving mind if we unleashed her upon the Magic Kingdom” – Yeah, this is Baxter’s voice. No mother I can imagine says ‘daughter’ and BJ in the same sentence. “The ridge lie lay just ahead of them” “Ugh . Baxter, how can you just keep forgetting? What else can’t you remember?” – I don’t understand what she means here. Why does the sound spread over his tongue when she’s speaking? It’s similar to the confusion of senses I noted earlier. “The night air took on a dream’s surreal quality” – nice line, but I go back to my earlier point about being disoriented about what time of day it was. A couple more tags along the way would have been useful to me. *** “So, how ‘bout it, Scrooge McDuck” – You’re doing it again. Everyone in this story seems to talk the same way. “He casted about for a reply” “an ice pick to the hindbrain” – great phrase.

I like that idea. I didn't really get it though until you explained it just now. I think you could clarify that message in the story. The wording jarred for me because it was almost exactly the same. Probably, it would have jarred so much if I had got the subtleties of the message.

Okay, on this basis (and please vote me down for crossing the critiquing line, I want you to, because I would hate to think I had offended you in any way), I going to email you the file. It's only because I find this topic fascinating and I think it really does make a difference - I'm with Shrike there. I totally accept your desire for lush description, but I think Shrike is right, you can be lush and tight. (Hey, hang on, those terms totally go together!!) I'll repeat, I really don't think the sense is change at all, but I'm not the one to rule on that. Also, there are a few typos in there if nothing else.

I really appreciate your comments Shrike, they are sooo encouraging and helpful, as the others have been. The support for this story has been excellent, I am buzzing over it now. My plan, of which this is Step 1, is to complete a number of shorts that I have had part finished or part started, and get them submitted. Submitting is something I have almost never done, but this group has given me so much momentum over recent years (as has WE) that I want to do that now. So, I will submit this story again, but I think I'll give myself a bit of distance by trying to finish a draft of another project before coming back to this one. Thank you again, eh!

Okay, so here are some comments on second reading of the story. I can see some of the changes and I think it is certainly improved, clarified where there were questions, remaining a very enjoyable and satisfying story. I stick by my comment about word count, which I think on one level is an expression of the tightness and directness of the story. I’ve gone through a pass of flagging what I thought were excess words or ‘baggy’ description, etc. which produced a word count of 5,732, saving 361 (basically 6%). I firmly believe that the suggestion don’t affect the story or the style in any material way, and are just a sort of ‘spring cleaning’ exercise. Maybe you don’t want to see it, which is fine, but I wanted to at least satisfy myself about my earlier comment. Happy to email it if you want to see, also happy not to, as you desire Anyway, great story, I hope you’re going to submit it. I can see your second pro sale on the horizon (see what I did there? . Here are my critiquing comments on Version 2, in a bit more detail this time. ------------------------------------------------------------------ (Page 1, para.1) – I think the clarity of which god is which could be improved. (para.2) – “She was the best of the hunters,” – smoothness (I won’t bother with niceties, these are all suggestions of course!!). Also, why does she gasp at the sight of Idris? (para.4) – “every breath of wind woke soft sounds from in it” – or maybe ‘coaxed soft sounds from it’. (Page 3, para.2) – “thinking of gods and demons and their binding instead of the ground under them his feet” – I got snagged on this sentence and had to reread it. Also, “The hills on either side stilled the wind” – strictly speaking, the wind is still blowing and only blocked by the hills. Also, “The rains that had wept at Siad Amak’s fall” – rains are analogous to tears here, but the tears don’t weep, the shedder does. (para.7) – “They wore all that would have gone into a temple if they had a god instead of kneeling to a demon.” – Awkward wording. (Page 4, para.4) – “The absence of his arms was cold, despite the sun” – Awkward phrasing and a stretch to believe, especially in this moment of extreme urgency. (para.5) – “She looked around. Was there anywhere they could lose the raiders?” – superfluous. (Page 5, para.1) – “The demon was tearing at the hillside. As she looked, It finished carving a ledge and stood on it to reach higher.” – Not sure how much you want to pare down the word count, but there are opportunities with some excess words. (Page 6, para.1) “The jackals were better hunters than the raiders had been,” – this is jarring as it’s the first mention of the jackals, so my first thought was, what jackals? Also, “was no longer so distracted thinking of how his smooth skin and clever fingers would feel if she reached out and touched him” – You mention the fingers a lot, it’s an unusual expression, I wonder if it’s stressed too much. I'm not sure if you think about touching someone’s fingers, which is sort of how this sounds. (para.2) “pinning her down, and showing exposing her up” – or ‘revealing her’, more direct. (para.3) “They’re following us, aren’t they?” – question. (para.4) “They can smell the blood. It means something’s weak. That’s what they like.” – Obvious, let the reader have that one. (para.9) “studying her like as they never had” (para.10) “She saw him thinking, and still he did not understand why she wanted him to go on” – I know what you mean, but seeing him thinking sounds odd to me. (para.14) “a branch from one of the lonely cypress” – not that lonely, if it’s one of (Page 7, para.3) “If he died here, could any of the other acolytes trap a god in time?” – Good point, bad judgement call on his part. (para.6) “They didn’t recognize any threat as she whirled her sling around and sent a stone into one, though.” – not sure what this last is adding. Also, “The stone took the jackal in the lower jaw, and left it hanging by a rope of gristle at one side.” – obvious. Also, are jackals cannibalistic? I wondered if they wouldn’t stop and feed on fallen one – artistic license, I suppose. Also, “Sun and fear beat on her like a twin hammers.” (para.7) “He’d stumbled left, away from her, too far for a quick thrust” – Staying in the present is more immediate. (Page 8, para.1) “she got her arm between its jaws” – really? That’s going to be v.painful and gives it an advantage, doesn’t it? No choice, I suppose. I'm struggling a bit to think she can hold off jackals... (para.2) ...like here. “She kicked again and rolled to get a little space” – She kicks 5 jackals away? I guess they might scatter because she killed one. I think I have a different picture in my head of how this attack could go, they are all like 6 feet tall aren’t they. Somehow, it feels more like a fight with regular sized jackals. (Page 9, para.1) - Would a 6 foot jackal be felled by a wee knife in the shoulder? I struggle with that. (para.2) – “There was so much blood, from her torn nails” – also from her arm, which was in its mouth. (para.4) – “she might have made it back by nightfall” - Really? Not being able to put weight on her ankle? Also, do they have any water? This doesn't seem to be a factor, but you do regularly mention how dry it is. (para.6) – Fantastic imagery and picture of the demon realm. Maybe you've considered it already, but you could write more stories in this setting, it is very interesting. (Page 10, middle) – Their exchange is great, but part of me wanted her response to be closer to his line, without all the description of him in between. Personally, I think the description of him is unnecessarily long. (Page 11, para.1) - “the coastlands” – I thought they were well away from the coast by now, in the wastes, which I felt from the description were more to the interior of the land? (General) – Commas, there seem to be an awful lot of them. I know there is latitude in terms of rules around comma use but, personally, I found them breaking up the flow of numerous sentences in places where I didn’t want to pause. (para.5) – “Alssia saw Idris narrow his eyes.” – I find a couple of these statements a bit odd, where you describe characters consciously doing instinctive things. (Page 12, para.3) – “while he let the wind speak through it” – Does he let it? I didn’t think he had much choice in the matter. (para.7) – “She is only a worthless worm.” – Sorry, I know this is editorial and not proofing, but the original is rather melodramatic, I thought. (Page 13, para.2) – “At least he had the grace to look sheepish, after what he had done” – What did he do? He only made the machine work as intended, it wasn't his fault that the first demon was unsuitable. This seems very harsh of her to think this way, way out of character, I thought. (Page 14, para.1) – “Idris was thrown away” – Sounds indecisive, almost like a writing note to self to pick one or the other.

Hmm, I dunno. Some people look at the length of something before committing to it. I think some folks on here will even read the long submission first, or last. Even without that, I think length is indicative of pacing and readability. If you can take 1,000 words out of a 7,000 word story without affecting the story, so purely in phrasing, grammar and word choice, I think it's good practice to do so. Not to mention good practise for when one does need to cut to make a limit. I feel it makes for more disciplined writing. I won't send my comments if you don't want to see them, though. I'm not wanting to be an arse about it, I just find it a fascinating exercise, so I'll finish it off. I'm afraid it results from me being so competitive in, basically everything, so it becomes a challenge.

Awesome!! Crying shame that they are hanging up their touring boots. They have no right to grow old like the rest of us - having discovered Xanadu an all.

I think you can save quite a few, depending on how hard you want to be. I'm always reminded of Brandon's account of Niven & Pournelle being told by the publisher of Mote in God's Eye (great story) that they needed to cut 10% (or was it 5%?), so they cut 10% of the words on every page. If there's a will, there's a way.

I'm gonna comment, I'm gonna comment! I'm half way through atm. You want cuts? I could suggest a few, I can see extra words and phrases (in my opinion). I might need another day or two, but I'll respond.

With my Silk hat on (does that sound weird?) you are No.2, so the way seems to be clear. At 10% over 5,000 words you would not be any more guilty than a plethora of other 'transgressors' - self included

You seem to be the first and on your own (so far), and it's Monday A.M. already (in the UK). I would not worry about going on and submitting, in case Silk doesn't manage on this week, esp since you had a break last week

I enjoyed this first submission up to a point, but did have some issues with it. I liked the reveal in the first part of them using practice weapons, which I did not twig until the moment of reveal. The dialogue in the second part was rather heavy and wordy, and could really be cut down significantly to make it more effective, I think. Also, there is a significant issues with repetition of words and phrases close together, which leads to awkward phrasing that makes me stop, breaks up the flow. This said, I enjoyed the tone of the second part between the soldier and the barmaid, it could almost be from a different story. There’s a certain sense of pathos about it that is quite affecting, like a cowboy moseying away for the last time (cf. John Wayne in The Searchers). The third section did not do so much for me. I think you could dial up the angst a bit. I don’t get a great deal of emotion from any of the characters, I'm not sure how they feel about what is going on with them. The ending is interesting. I like the way you dealt with Ashley phoning her grandpa. I wasn’t sure whether she was dead or not, maybe that is what you intended, but I also did not get the sense that it was a big reveal that she was not. Interesting stuff, but there are certainly issues with repetition, dialogue and emotion that could be addressed in the edit. Still, nice work, I'm keen to read more. --------------------------------------------------------------------- “shape hadn't changed since the moment she'd picked it up” – Seems extraneous, but interesting idea. “Well, as little as any 15-year-old girl could be” – This rang odd to me – people can have wide-ranging sizes as a given age. “drew his knife up for an overhead swing” – This sounds like he leaves himself completely open to a low thrust to the belly, maybe it’s just in the description though. There's a lot of mention of ‘knife, knife, knife’ – Maybe consider switching one to ‘blade’ or some other alternative? “I mean the way you blocked my knife with your arm. It just bounced right off. You couldn't do that if we were using real knives” – This is way, way too much telling. We’ve established that they are practice knives, which was nicely done, but let the reader work out some stuff on their own. Interesting opening, still don’t know why they’re doing, or what kind of situation they are in – sounds vaguely like it’s a youth club or some such. I'm happy enough to continue without knowing more. By no means is the lack of information annoying. “"Just coffee's fine," said the man. The man looked young” – repetition. “I'm not in the business of prying into other people's business,” – awkward with the repetition of ‘business’. “I like learning about people, but not when it makes them uncomfortable." – The man took a sip of his coffee. "Truth be told, I was hoping you might be able to help me figure out my past.” – I'm finding the dialogue a bit strange. Everyone is very open and honest, almost naive. I would say that people do not speak this way, especially not in a place which seems to have some possibly nefarious goings-on going on. “It was a look that told me he had just realized what it was that he had done, and would have live with that moment for the rest of his life” “He had to finish the fight” “As best we've been able to figure out, there are certain kinds of memories that are stored mostly in the mind, and certain memories that linger with the soul, or the spirit, or whatever you want to call it. If a soul spends too much time apart from the mind, it tends to lose its grasp on details like numbers.” – Feels rather info-dumpy. “could remember every detail of her honeymoon with incredible detail” – more repetition. “I just realized," said the man. "I don't remember my own name” – this is certainly becoming more interesting. Notwithstanding a certain amount of info dump, as noted, I like the pacing of the reveal of information in this part. “There's something that seems a bit wrong about calling someone a dead person to their face” – The dialogue is very wordy, certainly sprinkled with a lot of unnecessary words. Saying out loud is a good trick to get a handle on what is realistic, this section about passing over sounds a bit like a lecture or seminar. There are some nice lines, but weighed down I think with excess dialogue that could be cut back a fair bit. “Supposing heaven and hell were real” – this is a curious line, given that they don’t seem to know what is beyond the doors. “and held it for a moment, smiling at the cover for a moment” – this repetition is really a thing now. “you have a physical body with very real blood” - ? “I've learned that the opposite of happiness isn't sadness. It's boredom.” – This sounds like almost exactly the same message as the man communicated. “I'm not an expert on medicine,” – wordiness, e.g. ‘I'm not a doctor,’ “The two fighters walked to the door” – I know what you mean by this, but I did not like that you reduce these two people to ‘fighters’ when there is obviously much more to them.

Great comments, Kam, thank you - and great to hear from you.

Most excellent comments, than you Mandamon. I really feel that the changes coming through will lift the story up, and I'm totally enthused about getting back to it (after the modest gap) - so positive has the reaction been.

ROFL

Firstly, sorry about some of the details, I can get pretty pedantic and probably go too far in some of the points I flag. I certainly go to line level when something snags on my brain – apologies! So, very interesting submission, I must admit I struggled over the language to some extent. It’s in a very distinctive style, perhaps not immediately accessible to all readers. I felt that, to begin with, the narrative seemed to take as many words as possible to set out what was happening, sometimes in a rather oblique way, and I often found myself having to stop reading and go back to understand the message. The outcome therefore was a feeling that it took a goodly numbers of words/pages to cover not a great deal of plot (I see I'm not alone in this - apologies for repetition - Ed.), which made progress feel like slow-going. As an example, “He rolled his neck as he trudged to his hunting jacket, sitting in a wrinkled pile by a tree stump. He bent, blowing a stray tangle of hair out of his eyes, and began rummaging, hands moving efficiently from pocket to pocket. A line formed between his brows, quickly maturing into a scowl. He yanked at the fabric, breath hissing between his teeth as he rearranged its folds. Finally his fingers struck pay dirt, locating the heavy steel flask he’d stashed in an inner pocket before heading out to shoot at things.” – What I'm hearing is, ‘Baxter walked to his jacket, frowning, and rummaged in the pockets, brow creasing further until till he found his hipflask.’ Apologies for this crude example, but I thought it was helpful in expressing my thought. Another example, “It waved goodbye to “Curiouser and Curiouser,” while treading deep into “Tripping Balls” territory” – For personal taste, I find this overcomplicated. It slows me down in the reading as I try to figure out what it means and I end up with a disjointed read. I think my difficulty is not so much with the style itself, but getting hung up on what seem like unimportant details to the interesting bits and heaving to reread where I couldn’t fathom the meaning. Then, quite suddenly, I felt that things changed. It was when the door appeared and Baxter started moving towards it. From Page 11, I felt that the floridity of the prose / inner dialogue reduced to a comfortable level while ‘we’ were concentrating on stuff happening, rather than Baxter’s rambling musings. Not to say all was crystal clear, but I don't mind not knowing why things happen in a story, I'm reading to learn that. I do like the premise. I'm not sure I like Baxter however. I get that he’s scarred by his ability, and that worked well for me. He is wonderfully dysfunctional with it, but I do find his often obscure quipping a bit annoying. He seems very self-absorbed. To round off though, I'm keen to read more. It might take me time to come to enjoy the style – same with many distinctive books on starting them. Good job. Hope to read more soon. -------------------------------------------------------------------- “The liver he’d already harvested, zipped into a gallon-size freezer bag, and carelessly tossed to the side before moving onto the next tasty bit of offal.” – There’s something up with this sentence. “The liver within, a moist and malignant shade of purple” – Can a colour be moist and malignant? The phrasing here tripped me up. “no time like the present to panic” – I'm a bit puzzled that Baxter goes through this lengthy recollection of past events when he’s trying to decide whether to panic. I took it that something panic-worthy had just happened, so why the length (slight info-dumpy) reminiscing? He realized with a start of surprise he’d been sitting like an invalid, fingers still clutching the heart.” – Nice line, but I'm finding the story a bit wordy at this point. Here is an example. I don’t think you need to tell the reader it’s surprise, seems pretty obvious, and also worth letting the reader come to their own conclusion. “Get thee the storm out of Dodge while you still can” – typo. “All the above seemed subdued to a fault, the likely trigger for his paranoia” – I don’t know what this means, I feel there is a word or words missing. “And here he thought he’d been better successful lately at keeping it together” – grammar. “On a rosy-hued, cake day like this” – What is a cake day? “You only got lost in the pussy fog” – I'm starting to struggle with the style a bit. I feel like you make a point of taking as many words as possible to say what is happening, and in a rather oblique way that I need to work at to understand what is being said. Where is the daughter when they are having rumpy-pumpy on the sofa? “Aging sunlight glittered over the flask’s engraved surface, greeting him like an old friend as he lifted it from its hiding place” – To me, this means the sunlight greets him like an old friend, which leads to some subject confusion. “He habitually brushed a thumb over the engraved decoration” – To me, ‘habitually’ describes something done over a long period of time, as distinct from ‘As was his habit, he brushed...’ “His frown made an epic comeback.” – Great line! “Worst alcoholic ever. Probably should turn in that Eagle Scout badge” – lol. I'm not one hundred percent clear on what his ability is, something to do with hearing? “freakish extrasensory abilities” – ah, okay. “There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees” – You a Rush fan? Best- band- ever, bar none!! “rising from the bank of the dry creek bed at the bottom of the ravine below” – cool image. “He hadn’t asked didn’t ask for this” - ? “unable to ignore the door’s lunatic song” – great line “Now that he’d seen it, he knew he needed to clear out and enlist help while still remembering why he needed it in the first place” – and awkward phrasing, I thought.

On your last comment, it's intended as a short, so that's the end, although there seems to be a fair degree of interest in reading more. As a direct response to this very encouraging reaction, I'm starting to wonder about writing a 'sequel' short from Marie's pov. Really appreciate your comments, thanks F-fox.

Wow, I'm pretty bowled over that there are thoughts of more. I could not have hoped for a better reaction! I'm going to have to give that some serious thought now!

Great comments, thank you Eisenheim, but greatly encouraged that you were engaged and gripped!!

I'm delighted that the story, in general, worked for you and seemed to be entertaining! I had never considered writing more, but your notes are very encouraging. I had never thought of it as a universe, the descriptions and locations are straight out of contemporary Paris. Don't know if you've ever been, I have a few times, never staying in the same arrondissement. La Defense is a very strange place (I think). Thank you so much for your comments!

I do some improvement, which is pretty quick. Often, it's word choice that snags it for me, like the 'ponder' thing. I said I would do that tracking thing, and I haven't forgotten. It could kind of merged into my comments this week, but I'll get there.

Hmm, interesting that, in these days of ubiquitous data, this is (still) a thing. R.K. seems to be deliberately nonspecific, but might raise the same question as 'Robin'. I suppose it avoids people making the wrong assumption and sticking to it without checking (if they feel the need).

Great comments guys, thank you so much for reading. I haven't submitted for a few weeks, and I'm right back to getting that buzz of trepidation as I open up the thread!! Anyway, I'll come back to everyone in more depth tomorrow to answer those questions, but your observations all make perfect sense. I feel I can see those holes as you describe them and the flow of thoughts forming as to how I will plug those gaps and tie those loose ends.