Robinski

Very readable as usual, my main issue is that I don’t remember any reference in the set up to Baxter being able to control minds, so when that comes up twice (at least), I was confused as to what was being referred to. Also, where did the roses come from and how, but more importantly, nobody is surprised. The characters just accept all this weird stuff, they know what’s going on, but I just feel shut out, like I'm not in their club. This is another source of frustration. Insufficient data for the reader is not a happy situation. It’s the same issue I had with the doors. The reappearance of the cat is well done, and he seems to be a villain, which would be excellent, or maybe he’s a future sidekick acting inappropriately in trying to bring Baxter and Kim back together without understanding the implications of what he’s doing (in human terms). Anyway, frustrating in places, but still a very readable chapter. It occurs to me now that the action is very claustrophobic. That’s not wrong, but the lack of a big picture in both a story and setting sense is heightening that feeling for me, which is becoming uncomfortable. Maybe that goes back into my point about lack of background on the doors, adding a lack of knowledge about the world. Is Baxter the only one with these powers (apparently not, from the doors), but is the world at large away of the existence of such people? I feel I need that greater context this far into the story. Still, good work, looking forward to the return of Baxter in due course. ------------------------------------------------------ “Dr. McDouchey” – lol “once running out of bourbon” – grammar, even if it’s right, doesn’t ‘after’ sound better? “marshmallow flavoured vodka” – that’s a sin against nature, right there. “like an outtake reel in a comedic movie’s credits” – I think your audience will know what an outtake real is. “the julienned remains of their brethren” – rofl. Considering the carnage that Baxter caused at the birthday party, I have huge problems believing that Kim would bring him a cup of coffee in the morning, unless to dump over his head. “You announced the new Anders novel over two years ago. So, then...Where is it?” – Where did this come from? I don’t remember any reference to him being a novelist. I don’t know how much sympathy I had for Baxter before, but I pretty much lost it all in Chapter 4. I’ve seen nothing to show why he deserves the bottomless well of understand that he gets from Kim. You may say that it’s there in the back story, but I need to see it. Having a smart mouth is not a loving quality. Also, there were no fantastical elements in Chapter 4 at all. The story is billed as such, so I need to see that too. Not every chapter, but I’ll be looking for it in the next one. There’s a serious case of role reversal here. Kim is the one who mentioned drugs in front of her daughter, then used the ‘F’ word, and Baxter is the one saying he needs to have the ‘D’ conversation with his daughter. I'm confused and frustrated. “Say hello to my little friend!” – lmfao. Every dog has his day!! “If this is you, if you’re doing this,” – I presume she means him controlling her reactions, but I don’t recall any foreshadowing of his ability to do that. It took me two or three reads of that section to figure out that was what she meant. “he struggled with the catch” – huge cliché, and surely inaccurate if Baxter is as experienced as stated previously. “She didn’t know how badly he wanted to change her mind for her, how desperately he wanted to instruct Evan to get lost.” – Again, I don’t remember any indication in the set up of his ability to control the minds of others.

Lol - you and me both, Shrike, but damnation the sharks, what about the icebergs, stray shipping containers, general seaborne wreckage, Russian submarines, etc. Urgh. [seriously though, does sound good. I also envious.]

Ah jeez, that's sad to hear. Whatever you get from this, don't ever let it be pressure. We'll welcome you back whenever you're ready.

I would take issue with the closing comment. Whatever it is, for me at least, it does not feel flat. I think your story has a sort of manic energy coming from Baxter, or more likely from the Baxter / Kim relationship, that makes it eminently readable, and I'm going to miss it after I read Chapters 4 and 5, so hurry back! (In your own time of course, no pressure.)

Yeah, me too. I think if the aggregate word count is clearly going to be below the 5 times 5,000 words, then it's reasonable.

In that case, Evan's not a 'toy boy', as he would need to be younger than Kim.

Anyone watching movies in the 80's knows this, you have to be a certain age (cough).

Dicer..... elephant I think your rules need some work. I presume the next post I supposed to be some kind of established phrase or saying, but you didn't make that clear. Also, I think you killed it!! Dicer?

Yus! Me > Alter Bridge, AB3 - it's 8am and I am rockin' - TGIF!!

Martin Sheen Charlie Sheen Emilio Estevez Rene Estevez, and... shoot, I'm out!!

[Comments on Chapter 3] I enjoyed this chapter a good deal. The conversation with the cat is excellent, and the destructiveness of the exchange between Baxter and Kim is well done, powerful stuff. I feel a level of emotional investment in these characters now that is beyond most I can think of from pieces on this forum. A few details below the line, but the one slight concern I have going forward is the balance between the fantastical elements and the dramatic. The family/romantic drama themes are very strong, but fantastical themes I think are starting to be marginalised by the strength of the emotional ones. Finally, “Baxter didn’t need to be told twice.” – I don’t know what happened here at the end. Is she directing him toward her stash? I really thought the conversation went beyond that, reached a much, much darker place. As a beat to end the chapter, I'm left confused. After what he said, I would rather see him leaving, never to come back (apparently). I can’t believe his performance at the end for only about getting at her stash (if you’ll pardon the expression). Anyway, really good job here. Now I'm hoping we get a good strong dose of the fantastical in the next chapter(s) to ensure the grounding of the story in those themes. What I'm hoping not to read is ten pages of Baxter wallowing in self-pity. Good job, don’t stop! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Some great lines in Baxter’s repartee with the cat, really enjoyable. “Her sharp gaze took in the plateau” – I think you mean ‘tableau’? “That’s funny.” Baxter gestured at the cat. “He said the exact same thing.” – rofl. “and her friends off of the ledge” – I see this plenty, and I always ask, what function does the ‘of’ serve, apart from stinking up the sentence? Nobody says, ‘Let’s climb on of the ledge’. It makes no sense and sounds bad, I think. ‘...down from the ledge’ would avoid the argument, I suppose. “a requiem for a dream cast in platinum” – great line, awesome film. “More the fool, him.” – huh? “In front of Samantha. In front of everyone” – the scumbag! “causing him to briefly stumble briefly” – “her mother’s boy toy” – Really? How much younger is the neurologist? It makes Kim sound old. “You kind of missed the boat, in case you hadn’t noticed” – this feel like repetition of an earlier line. “I figured bacon might help make up a little for the whole absentee father thing” – Rofl, bacon makes up for everything. “and your Motley Crüe lifestyle” – Oh please, he does not have an MC lifestyle from what I’ve seen. A swig of bourbon and a reefer? Amateur. It does raise an interesting question. At what point is a character making a ‘wrong’ statement their ‘fault’ and when is the author culpable, or maybe it’s irony.

I think I've seen that text in one of my messages before, so hopefully not! Anyway, it was my line. What I don't get is that when I quoted your text with potty-mouthed bits, it replaces the naughty words automatically, whereas if I use an acronym which does actually use the words, I get reported?! Weird, but hopefully any Admin looking at it can see that it was not in an abusive context.

Yeah, okay, I'm hooked. I still think Baxter's behaviour during his introduction was over-the-top protesting his weirdness too much, but now that things have calmed down and we have Kim to play off against him, I'm really enjoying their interaction. The danger is that this slows down the story. Things are moving forward, but I would like to know more by this point, so I can make assumptions about where things are going, even if they are wrong. [This is only Part 1 of my comments, sorry, I seem to have a lot of 'thoughts' this week. More to follow.] ----------------------------------- I had to look up "susurration". It's very writerly. I love words and expanding my vocab, but I don't think you want most readers to be breaking away to go to G**gle. "reassuring with their its whispered chorus" - Life is singular. "The existing tension between Baxter's shoulder blades" - Did you mean existing? The word seems to serve no purpose in the sentence. You've said there's tension, so obviously it exists. "her firm, professional touch as she assessed his vitals" - It's probably WRS (weekly reader syndrome) on my part, but do we know her profession, is she a nurse? I forget. I enjoyed the opening scene. It's satisfying to see the sequel to the last scene, and to have some space in the aftermath to see how they react to what happened and to going through that stress together, sort of. I do have issues however, more below. "How could you tell it was a woman?" - Wait a minute, it was a woman?! I totally missed that in the last chapter, this makes my comments from the last submission about the similarity in character voices all the more relevant, I think. (I'm interested to know what you thought about the important points in my last response, btw). "Do you have a​ny ​idea how many times I’ve wanted to kiss you and gut you with my bare hands, in the same breath?" - rofl. The sexual tension between these two is great. It's the making of the story (I think) but, as per last time, I would like to know a bit more about the background to the doors and Baxter's pain / weakness / vulnerability earlier on. "Even through the layers of their clothes he picked out the beating *of* her heart, racing and panicked, like the wings a terrified bird." - This is a great line, and an unexpected action, which makes it more satisfying, the last simile is really cliched though. "Would you mind explaining what the storm this was all about?" - This goes back to my comment about having some more background earlier. I'm unclear as to whether Kim knew about the doors before. If not, is her first question not 'This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules did that door come from in the middle of nowhere?' "She abruptly stood" - Everyone's style is there own, but I don't subscribe to the view that grammar is a matter of opinion. (Igor, fetch the stick). I've never liked split infinitives, even the most famous of them all, 'To boldly go...' I mean would it been so terrible to say, 'Boldly to go, where no man has gone, before', or even 'To go boldly where no man has gone before.'? I'm guessing that Sam is Kim's ex-mother-in-law? Okay, just Baxter's mother if they were not married. "I guess it's gotta be up to me" - I'm not clear on what's up to him. There are various spots where the intention of the dialogue could be clearer. Sometimes the narrative is rather dense. E.g. "He cast numerous furtive glances her direction as he navigated back to his father's, trying to keep an image of the door fresh in his mind's eye while simultaneously wondering what he could do to fix this." I think you could lose 20% of the words here and say exactly the thing. Eisenheim and I had an interesting discussion about word count, and I believe it's an important issue, cutting back to ease the reader's passage through the story can be achieved without loss of texture or style. Also, in 'fix this' - what is 'this', their relationship, the doors? Clarity again. "sudden inexplicable rejection" - Is he really that insensitive? Wow. Also, I don't have enough background to her involvement in the whole door thing to understand why she is not questioning the door, her possession, etc. These are fantastical things. She is ignoring them, so either she's in mega-denial, which Baxter is not acknowledging, or it's old hat, which tends to shut me out of the background, like they all know about it, but I don't. Err, I seem to have an awful lot to say about this story. I feel that it's useful reaction, but tell me if I'm babbling too much. At this rate, my comments will be 2,000 words. I'm going to post these as Part 1, so hopefully they are more easily digested. I'm only at Page 5, so I will probably comment some more...

I'm very disappointed to see from the tag that there is no sex or violence in this week's submission. You're really letting your standards slip I am looking forward to reading this evening though.

Commas are a powerful force for good, but should be deployed with an assassin's eye for the surgically effective strike. Or, just put them where you pause when reading back.

Various typos and grammar blips, but I haven’t flagged (many of) them as you’ve said it’s a first draft. Overall, I was a bit unsure about Kang’s age at this point, and the girl seemed to act in a childish way, making me doubt her age. I’m a bit curious about what might occur at the ball, but not especially engaged by the characters so far. They lack depth at this point. We have Kang, who most of us know. I would not say he had any particularly notable characteristics – a pretty regulation protagonist. The girl is mildly annoying and doesn’t seem especially interesting. You’ve marked her as very pretty which of course is nowhere near enough to make her a worthwhile character. The old man sounds like regulation old man and the mysterious stranger came across as instantly unlikeable, so is probably the villain. To answer your question, I'm afraid I'm not feeling a bursting need to keep reading on the basis of what I’ve read so far. The only question I'm asking myself at this point it, ‘What possible use will a potion of weight be? It’s not enough to sustain me through a novel when character and relationships is what I am most interested in. ------------------------------------------------------- “the mountains of the Rivers of Ice” – Awkward phrase. I find the reference to “wolfish dogs” strange when clearly they are huskies I felt it a bit jarring how close to the battlefield the command tent was. I presume the reality is that it’s further away, but there was nothing to show the distance, the narrative seemed to jump. “then lays lies back down” – I couldn’t get past this one. “lay inside on a thread of gold sheet” – Sheet of gold thread? “various magically infused items laying lying on colorful quivit-wool sheets” – Can incorrect (strictly speaking) grammar be a style choice? Either way, I find it distracting. Also, this is the second use of the word ‘sheet’, which I picture like a bed-sheet, i.e. large. It needn’t be, I suppose, but for me (purely personally), ‘cloth’ would be more obvious. “Sorry Kang, I don’t think they there is any magic way to make you more sociable” – Yeah, but there are ‘potions’ for that... “The sound of outside echo in as the door to the shop opens” – As I said, I’ve been skipping most of the grammar, but I'm not sure what the first half of this is saying. “What are you looking for, child?” – Several times so far you’ve included a name at the end of sentence without a comma, which would be the usual form, since there is a pause there. “accompanying metotheballthisevening” – This is hard to read and, I felt, a bit juvenile for the tone of the story. I try this just as an experiment “me-to-the-ball-this-evening” still, I don’t think it’s necessary. “Rakella bounces on her toes in excitement” – she acts like a twelve year-old. “Suddenly she stops, a look of horror crossing her face.” – The absence of pauses is a bit of a recurring theme for me. You’ve got one here “Yes, at Council Hall.” seems to be a consistency thing. “Oh to be young again” – very predictable line. “I believe you will find it up for any challenges you may face tonight at the ball.” – Eh? A potion of weight? I don’t get the logic of this at all. “a fine silver webbing lays lies within the box” – Is it just me? I'm interested to see if anyone else has commented on this.

Yeah, I must admit I missed the fae connection too. The clues were there of course (iron allergy), but I think because it read through so easily I didn't pause to consider the implications of that. Should have got it though.

Hmm, double whammy? On the basis that we've only had two submissions so far and one was only 750 words, I can't see a reason against it. (Hey Silk, are you okay?)

I'm really keen to read more of the story (I know, I'm so fickle). I'm wondering how much you have written, and if you've got more, suggest submitting it and getting comments while your critics are 'in the zone', rather than undertaking wholesale changes. Just my humble opinion, but it's free so you're welcome to it.

Some details below the line, but in summary, I found the story interesting and entertaining. I had no issue with imagining the other half of the conversation, which was easy enough to do. Wat (presumably) is making all the running, so I don’t think there is much room for misinterpretation. It’s a novel idea, not something I’ve encountered before and it’s certainly well done. I was entertained, curious, but perhaps not enthralled. The problem I usually have with flash fiction is that either I want to know more, or am not sufficiently engaged to want to know more. Here, I am curious to know why Wat was dismissed by Lankin, and why this deed deserves retribution. Well written, of course, and very easy to read. An interesting diversion, but I fear my praise cannot be burnished any further, as a reader less than devoted to flash fiction. (I'm just glad I managed to keep my usual rambling comments shorter than the story. ) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Yes, the privacy would be lovely” – There doesn’t seem to be a context for a specific, just privacy in general. “I’ll stay right here. Let’s get right to the heart of the matter.” – repetition. “Now Sir, why should I trifle with you?” – Unless it’s his name, he’s just any old sir, in my view (no caps)... E.g. “Farewell, Sir Blacksmith” – here, it is used as part of a name. “I could not breathe in there.” “None shall see but I.” – ‘me’, I think. “Ah, that is lovely.” – Damned by faint praise. If this is the finest smith in the land, I would have thought his patron would have something more to offer. Either that or the blade is not up to much. “I will fill your hands with gold to take that sword away this instant, and you will have more than time enough to make another before it is due, and you can make it twice as rich, out of what I will pay you, with fine cut gems and ruddy gold.” – This is a long old sentence.

Seeing as I get up before you lot in the morning... (time difference helps, I suppose ;op ) That looks like Eisenheim and Kammererite for submission today.

Yes, yes!! You could calculate a 'things getting worse' ratio and a plot graphs of character arc (sigh).

I think you'll be on your own. Even so, I think we once had a flash piece that was Submission No.6 - so I doubt it will be a problem.

Straight into the comments: I like that the passageway opens near the top of a hill, much less likely that anyone would be passing to notice. I repeat my earlier comment about how the heck Hellas can see the detail that he can, when he is presumably at a significant distance with respect to the power of the human eye. I'm thinking he must be at least 100 yards away or more. Although you describe the scene, I don’t have much blocking to go on, I don’t understand the distances. Not sure why his pal owes him a favour. Surely, the little sprite thingy got him into World’s End undetected. “He gritted his teeth” “The Fallen were slow to react” – It’s often the case in stories and movies that the enemy are useless henchmen, but why should this be? It can be a real problem for writers much greater than us as well. We all know Bond is not going to die, for example. It can really rob a scene of any feeling of threat or tension. “Hellas briefly considered taking off his mask to convince her that he was not a threat” – If he is wearing a disguise, why did he need to attack the squad of bad guys? Could he not have walked past them? “And replacing the Council?” – With what? This is still an issue. Surely, he cannot be so short-sighted as to not consider what will follow. “I always make a point of considering every eventuality,’ Hellas explained. ‘That way I’m never surprised” – I feel some of the dialogue is a bit wooden. I can imagine Arnie saying this line. “You had the wisdom to be prepared for the possibility of war” – I dislike this stream of ego-inflating stuff from Eirael. She’s been in a cage for hundreds of years and the first thing she does is fawn all over Hellas? It comes back to my problem with the dialogue. I just don’t find it convincing. Others do it too, telling Hellas how great he is. I find it a turn-off. “The short version is I tracked down the Keeper of Secrets, who told me about hidden underground catacombs that I could use to circumvent the dome.” – I forget if I’ve mentioned this before, but it all seems a bit too easy. Nowhere that I can think of has Hellas been thwarted. There’s no ‘try-fail’, it seems to be all ‘try-succeed’. I think that’s one reason I'm not really engaged in the story. “It took ten short minutes before the cages were finally empty” – I can believe this much more easily because the rate of freeing prisoners will increase in a doubling relationship. If they were all healthy and could free another, and assuming it takes one minute to free someone, they could free 1,024 in 10 minutes. “Same way I came in” – Huh? So the cavern he was in extends over the whole of World’s End? I'm back to my issues with the blocking and not having a sense of scale. In physical terms, it seems to me that the whole place would collapse if it’s all one cavern. There may be something else going on, but I don’t really have a grip on it. I’ve been poking at the holes in my comments, but here are some of the things that I liked: The reaction of the soldiers at the end of the chapter; Eirael seems like a good character with the presence to challenge Hellas if he does something dumb. She seems like by far the strongest secondary character in the story so far; World’s End is suitably nasty. I wouldn’t mind you playing that up some more. The problem I have is with the layout, not the description as such; My major issues remain: It’s too easy for Hellas, no ‘failing’; Everybody fawns over how great he is (that’s my impression anyway); Dialogue could be more dynamic.