Robinski

Thanks for reading - much appreciated. All good questions. "O High Commander..." - I'm relieved that someone other than me got that. I thought the use of the word 'high' was sufficiently ironic, but I forgot the reader doesn't really know the set up. I should have italicised it, but still, I don't bring home the irony in her actions thereafter. Mistake on my part, automatically assuming the reader will see things the way they are intended. Harth waking up - Gerwold is in the real world, he did just wake up. I can flag the setting better when he wakes up, and the waking itself. This does not get over my crime of having all the action being a dream (see Eisenheim, above - and my reply, below). However, I have thought of how to take the story further to try and resolve some of the criticism. There are reasons I stopped here, but they sound too much like excuses, so I'm not going there. Weaponry vs Ranks - This is something I tend to gloss over in my writing, for good or ill. It's a fantasy, set in a fictional world that may not have developed in the same way as Earth. I appreciate that these things come from Earth history, and so might jar with some people who know about this stuff. I want to use familiar terms because I don't want the reader being distracted by trying to figure what High Chief, Sub-chief, Ground Chief or whatever actually mean. Not really and good answer, and I will probably edit that stuff if I get any further with the story - to be honest it clearly has bigger flaws. The Traveller - Fair point, he isn't well enough define. He is there as a cypher, but it's not sufficiently clear what he represents, even in my own mind. Great questions and give me lots to think about. Much appreciated.

Thanks for reading Eisenheim and Spieles. I'm too tired now to make cogent replies to your comments, but I do appreciate them, more tomorrow. A couple of quick points. I had thought I made it clear in several places that Harth and Magdi knew each other in life, but clear not well enough. I'd be interested to know if any else got that. Also, Magdi's opening line to Harth was supposed to be ironic, but I guess I fluffed that, however not my most heinous act this week, clearly. More response to follow.

Yeah, I rather like the tone of this as an introduction, it does ask questions about the nature of the being we're seeing here, the nature of his power and influence, which seems wide-ranging. I couldn't read a whole story in this tone though, it's very grand and portentous, rather melodramatic. I think that's okay in small quantities, but rather heavy for a whole novel - imho. Good to see some words from you, King, I hope this comes together for you. There are some nice ideas and phrasing in the language, not too much that I would comment on if I was line editing.

Welcome to wherever you are!

I'm interested to read your stuff too, but I like to see the merchandise before I dispense the up-votes ;o)

Hey everyone, So it's Tuesday, so sue me! Here is the second and final part of Hold the Bridge. Any comments that you can offer will be most helpful, and all very much appreciated. The usual stuff, details welcomed, but I'm kind of majoring this time on whether the story entertained you overall. In the Word file I've sent, the first submission is in a background text colour, so please jump to the black text, but I’ve included the start of the scene between Harth and Magdi (which was the end of Part 1) for context. This week’s submission is 4,182 words – honest! Thanks for reading!

Yes, I was splitting the difference for the Reading Excuses community. Must be some on the West Coast?

...and props to Slowswift, great idea, great thread - although I might have carped a bit, I have listened to all the tunes and learnt some interesting things. p.s. if it's songs about U-boats you want, it's got to be Rammstein

Wow, this thread is a real downer, don't you kids listen to anything with a beat anymore? Hey, Mark VI - that Civil Wars song is awesome - the video is superb - you got my single upvote so far. Anyway, pin your ears back, and tap your feet to this beauty...

Erm, well I'm still writing, but I figure you lot won't wake up tomorrow till about 1700 hours my time, so I've got some time to finish up :o/

Err, my math must be off, or my browser, I think there are several spots still open? I'll have one for the second partof my story, if I may.

Yeah, the armaments thing, I was glossing over that, but I knew it had to go in. Coming from the edges of the Roman Empire (north side of the Antonine Wall - just!), the basis comes from there, but obvs the Romans had muckle great shields. I will retro-fit in the edit. No biggy. On the paucity of emotion, I agree. I was feeling that myself, another aspect for me to top-up, and address in Part 2, I hope. Thank you.

That's great! I was being ironic about the weather. I live on the West Coast too, but of Scotland, where clouds come to die.

It is - nice weather we're having though.

Interesting - I hate it when my characters don't do what I want them to. If you don't want to change the character of your characters, how about having them do stuff that's out of character? Maybe one acts out of rage and does something uncharacteristic. Maybe one just plain old makes a mistake, a miscalculation. One might be drunk and drop the ball. Maybe you don't need to change your characters, but can still do something to change the situation they are in. Have someone throw a hand-grenade in the window. There's an interesting film called Force Majeure, where a family on a ski holiday is sitting having a meal in a restaurant (if I recall correctly) and this avalanche tears down the hill and comes towards the building. Everyone ducks for cover, but the dad ups and runs off, leaving his family to fend for themselves. The rest of the movie deals with the emotional fallout of that single, split-second, instinctive choice. That sort of thing would change your plot, I suppose, but it shows that there is always scope to introduce the unexpected.

Happy to have your comment, of course. I'm sticking with the divine intervention angle that you anticipate in the comment. I just don't want to delve too deeply into that subject of arms etc. Alternatively, I could get into an angle with everyone arriving with the armour they died in, but I fear that would be more armour description than I could get away with and still keep a certain portion of the audience. Great to have the comment though - thanks!

Thank you, Kaisa, for your comments - very helpful. Typos, etc, always helpful - much appreciated. Thanks again, you're comments really are a great help

Thanks for commenting. The flatness is a particular issue for me, and something I want to tackle head on. Maybe it's pacing, or some other deficiency. Interestingly, there are at least two peeps who noted almost exact mirror-images of the bits that dragged for them - one Sine graph and one Cosine graph, if you will.

Super-duper comments, as ever. Thank you, kind sir. I have a lot of questions to answer in Part Deux.

Run-ons: Fair cop, I can fix those. Location: will clarify in the edit, but it's neither heaven not hell. Description of the plains: I will tweak. Commander: Yeah, I have to admit I knew I was doing this, but didn't take the time to adjust before submitting. Consider it my deliberate mistake for this week. I'll fix that. Armoured shoulder: Excellent eye for detail. I will fix that too! Great comments, great for keeping me honest on the detail. Glad it's working for you

Good point. They are not actually in hell or heaven, the Traveller's line is rather over dramatic, but he goes on to explain. It's something I'll touch in Part 2. Thanks for the encouragement, great comment.

No, at $50 a pop, not to be trifled with!!

Cool. So did an agent read through your whole story? Are you publishing? I think I'll put Waifs and Strays up here - although I've had about 10 pairs of eyes on the first few chapters, but no-one has read it through, and I don't want to start editing until I've got at least one opinion on the whole. I'll get onto this after I finish Hold the Bridge. Thanks for pinning, Silk. (Commas are like pawns, much more powerful than anyone really appreciates.)

Drunken Master?