Robinski

Acht, I'm not prepared. I need to start diarying these things. I'd prefer if you guys had another go at Hold the Bridge anyway before I sent out into the world.

I'm on board, and interested to read more. Is Laurea more sympathetic? For me, yes, for the reasons that Mandamon states. But we don't know that about her at the start, so the first impression she makes is not good, imho.Not making a good first impression is kind of in character for her, though. But I guess that's not a good thing from a storyteller's POV. I would not worry overly about this if it's the impression you were out to create. Some characters don't make a good first impression, but that doesn't make them bad characters to read about and follow, and there is nothing better than observing the redemption of an unsympathetic character. “The eighteenth floor was wedged between two levels dedicated to industry, but thankfully nothing that generated uncomfortable odours” – This strikes me a spectacularly bad urban planning, which is the industry I work in. I struggle to believe that any kind of modern society would build like this.They aren't any kind of modern society. Hmm, if they have the tech to build such a tower, they should know that putting residences between industry is bad. Modern was the wrong word to use. The Romans and the Victorians knew about this stuff. Probably the Egyptians and the Greeks, the Chinese way back when these civilisations were developing. It's just that some of them probably did not care, whereas I take this to be a developed society in terms of its humanity. I mean, they don't have slaves, do they? “cracked open by delinquent dockhands” – man, you've really got it in for the Stevedores Union.Ummmm... it's Laurea who's got it in for them! Not me, no sir! I swear. Sorry, yes. I misspoke. I meant Laurea - I referred to you in the wider sense as creator, acting through Laurea. Anyway, she does seem to have a chip on her shoulder. There is a wider point here, and I realise that I meant to mention it first time around, but forgot. Laurea's reaction to people is very much a snap judgement and seems generally dismissive. That's her character, so clearly it's not wrong, but I'll be interested to see how she changes over the course of the story - when I get to read some more. “Until Probitus reminded himself again that was not who he was, then it was just bitter” – Something off with this line grammatically, I think. I had to read it a handful of times.You're not sure? That's worrying, is the Grammar Stick busted? There is probably something off, as a matter of fact. I was trying not to come right out and suggest an alternative, because I know it could be considered bad form. (Although there are some 'lucky' people on here with whom I feel comfortable enough to do that, and they have not yet banded together into a torch-wielding mob in the years that I've been making these 'helpful' suggestions.) So, in the spirit of 'helpful' suggestion > But that was not who he was. The thought left him feeling nothing but bitterness. There's very little to it really, I think it just needs simplified a bit for clarity.

I enjoyed the human relationships in this submission. The landlady seemed like a bit of a caricature, but an amusing one. Probitus’ thought process was more interesting since, at the base of his nasty behaviour, there is weakness and vulnerability, which gives the reader hope for his redemption. My main difficulty with this submission was the amount of description. There is a great deal about the building that, for me, was not interesting. I think you could cut that down considerably. It’s a big building with lots of stuff it in, but at the end of the day, all Laurea does is got to her apartment and unpack. The description and background to her Dhe was interesting though. I'm on board, and interested to read more. Is Laurea more sympathetic? For me, yes, for the reasons that Mandamon states. But we don't know that about her at the start, so the first impression she makes is not good, imho. <R> ---------------------------------------------------- “reaching from the bowels below the waterline up to the highest reaches” – repetition There’s a lot of description on the first page. I started skimming half way down, as I'm more interested in learning more about Laurea. “The eighteenth floor was wedged between two levels dedicated to industry, but thankfully nothing that generated uncomfortable odours” – This strikes me a spectacularly bad urban planning, which is the industry I work in. I struggle to believe that any kind of modern society would build like this. “could be even less civilized than the average drunken dockworker” – this is a rather harsh stereotype. I'm sure there must be some dockworkers who work very hard for their families. After more than two pages getting to the apartment, I was flagging considerably, but things light up with the discussion with the old woman. “I had to sign for delivery. I hate signing” – lol. “Young people these days always have an excuse” – lol, harsh, but often true. “Don’t mention you live here, though” – rolf. “No surprise there either, if the bathhouse owner knew Praeparcior.” – You often explain things that it’s more fun for the reader to work out for themselves. I think some of the explanation is unnecessary. “cracked open by delinquent dockhands” – man, you've really got it in for the Stevedores Union. “If Laurea had not managed to discover the perpetrator by then, the case would be marked in her record as an utter failure” – I think we could do with these stakes for Laurea being much further up, near where she gets the case in the first place. This would dial up the tension earlier, make it clear for the reader what is at stake for her, to start with at least. On Page 8, there is a jarring switch to Probitus’ point of view, but you just need a text break in there. “Until Probitus reminded himself again that was not who he was, then it was just bitter” – Something off with this line grammatically, I think. I had to read it a handful of times.

Looking back to your questions, I think I've covered them fairly well in my comments. The one that I haven't is the minor characters. On that point, no, I don't think I've really got their characters down at all. Amra's been given enough to do that I have a good handle on her, but I'm not there with the others. At this moment, after reading this week's submission, I could not tell you a thing about the others, apart from two of them being partners.

Well, I'm happy. Things are moving along, but there is increased tension because of the timescale and the need open the crates. I hope that there is more emphasis on the ticking clock as we get closer. Two hours passing for them to find the majus’ house has really taken a bite out of their float, so that should be accentuated. I like the tension that comes from them needing to get into the crates, but I think you've let them off the hook a bit by Prot ‘bonding’ somewhat with the customs official. That dynamic does not feel antagonistic enough now, especially when she assisted them by letting him wander off. You could achieve better tension by having Prot sneak away to find the majus, then being an alien abroad in Methiem and subject to arrest at a moment’s notice. Then, Amra and the others would be in a bind as well trying to conceal Prot’s disappearance. What I'm suggesting, I suppose, is that I'm feeling insufficient tension. Still, it remains a good read and I'm enjoying it. <R> --------------------------------------------------------- “and interjected her very large, very dark, frame into the cockpit” – not sure this is the word, I'm thinking ‘insinuated’. “I’m not sure how (INSERT WORDS HERE) came through a portal” I'm feeling a like I'm stumbling through this submission a bit, like the writing could be smoother. I'm making good progress, but feel like I don’t entirely have my balance, if that makes any sense. I like the tension ramping up when the train starts to rumble towards the customs officials. “so I took the pilot’s chair” “handing the bill of lading to the customs woman, who investigated it suspiciously” – She’s just reading it though, this seems like over-description. “for the ongoing epidemic of the Shudders” – have we heard the name of the disease before? I don’t recall it – maybe it’s WRS. “her bottom lip in danger of climbing into her mouth” – lol. “but it didn’t full reach her eyes” “We bought the wagon almost fourteen cycles ago, just after we met” – Somehow I don’t recall being told that Prot and Saart with the founding partners. “I put my shoulder to the bear-like monster’s foreleg”

I tend to agree with NeonGrey on the three blind men section. I certainly wouldn't drop it, but it almost came over as a bit overdone. I was put in mind of 'When will we three meet again...,' and once you're in that territory, it's a short skip and a jump from Shakespeare to Pratchett and the Weird Sisters! Similarly, reference to Nightwatch did immediately send me to the Timur Bekmembetov films - don't know if anyone else went there.

Well, I expected nothing less than an entertaining and well-written excerpt, and it certainly is that. I enjoyed the politicking very much, but there was still enough physical action and movement in the city to keep up the pace and keep me reading. There is a lot of information right from the off, but I was happy enough once I got past the first couple of paragraphs, which were quite an onslaught of data. The one thing that I do still struggle with is the distinction between the Night School, the Nightwatch, the White Keys and the White swords, not to mention the black custodes. The names are similar enough to create confusion which is not entirely addressed, and so leaves me with unwanted questions. This is a fairly small quibble though, overall I was convinced by the chaotic politics of this Neapolitan setting which, for me, you painted very convincingly. The plot is entertaining, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I am hoping for more threat in the next submission and for things to get worse quite quickly. All of the characters are given something to round them as people, often simply by a single comment that gives them an immediately recognisable trait which the reader can extrapolate. If this were a novel, some might be seen as one dimensional, but it’s not, so that approach is pretty much essential (I think) and well done. Good job. <R> --------------------------------------------- The single entity ‘fighting itself’ halted me, phrasing awkward. Repetition of the word ‘trickle’ in the same paragraph. You capitalised ‘Signors’ in the first instance, but it’s lower case on the second use. “a cold walk along the palazzo’s balcony to look over the city” – I wasn’t keen on the walk being cold. I guess it kind of works on second reading, but at first, it seems to be a different phrasing. “His eyes were wild as Davio had never ever seen them” – I think. So Davio’s family name is Dacosta? There are a lot of names and I’ve had to work to keep them straight – which I'm happy I am doing, but the Nightwatch is confusing me. It feels like a layer too far. How does it relate to the blind men, are they the Daywatch? (You know there are movies, Nightwatch and Daywatch, yes?) “and speak with the Steward” – If it was King’s Steward, I would not mind the capitalisation, but I don’t see a need for this, he’s just referring to a steward. “put a few particularly sensitive ones into his locked drawer” – minor detail, but you can’t put anything into a locked drawer. “too far for his old bones” – You said that Torre also was eager for advancement. Who is the other person eager for advancement? Surely not Davio, if he is old, as stated here. He seems to have had many years to seek advancement, so why would he still be eager? “and halted at the door of mysteries” – It’s not like me, but I was puzzled as to why you don’t capitalise Door of Mysteries, as it seems like a title for these particular doors. “After a quarter of so,” - ? “Davio did not recall what his name and family had been” – I'm confused in this paragraph. Is Paolo Andriotti not the Risorto? If so, did he have another name before? This feels like a layer too many for me to grasp. I don’t see how it’s relevant or necessary and so will ignore. Again, the Steward is the Risorto? Are these things the same? I grow more confused. “Will you help good Captain Murio to purge these shades” – grammar. “We know that you serve only the King and his steward” – no, I'm completely lost now. Also, Steward is not capitalised here, so consistency. “more speed than aught that we may do ourselves” – awkward. “waited too long in the doorway before shutting it behind him” – minor point, he’s not shutting the doorway. “After dinner, he sat with a little grappa and a book of Laurentios’ commentaries after dinner” – 2 cents. “What are you goggling for?” – question. “would beard Davio like this” – I don’t know this sense of the word, typo? “Never again will you speak to me in the fashion” – this or that. “but he looked town down and turned” The exchange between Davio and the Risorto is especially well done, I think. “Do it and I’ll get you what you’ve asked” – I don’t recall the Risorto asking for anything, unless you mean what he said about the Signors doing something. I would appreciate a reminder here. “He seized a crossbow” – Davio, I presume. “The girl disappeared from the ledge” – this sounds like she vanished in this air. “What was a woman from one of the twenty families doing” – the woman is dead though, she’s a ghost / spirit, right? I'm confused here. The Risorto referred to the woman’s location being indicated by the smell. Was the not meaning her resting place? Davio’s thought seems to imply she’s alive. “The Night School was the obvious answer” – yet another group? Are they different from the Night Watch? “turned out of Butcher’s street onto the Capitol avenue” – again, why not capitalise Street, when it’s a name? I can understand avenue, because it’s not used as a name, as such. “The Committee for Civic Maintenance met in a windowless room on the third floor of the palazzo, scarcely larger than Davio’s office. They looked at him expectantly” – I felt it just a bit jarring that the committee almost springs into life in front of Davio immediate after they are first mentioned. Again, Night School, Nightwatch, White Swords, I'm still a bit bamboozled by all the groups. “The Signori asks the Night School” – typo “Wards have been broken, Scholar.” then “Enough to be of service, secretary.” – as noted before, I do find inconsistency in the capitalisation. “He should not ask, not after her warning” – typo. “One of the many silent services the Night School did performed / undertook to keep the dance in step.” – I suggest.

If we're onto the 27th, can I request a slot, please?

Lol

And you get double the griping, so everyone wins!!

I'd rather continue reading the story, personally, since I'm reading it as much as a fan as a critic.

In other news, I am delighted to say I have finished a fairly hard edit of Hold the Bridge, complete with new ending. I'm going to do a read-through and then another edit, but will submit it again thereafter in the hope of not being savaged again ;op #trollingRobinski

Sorry for the delay - you asked a question. I was very interested to see how the story proper opened after your prologue. Here is my answer! So, on with the critique. Detailed comments below in my normal fashion. I have not picked out much on the grammar front because there is too much to contend with in the way of run-on sentences, punctuation and some wording, etc. That can all be corrected in the future, so I've tried to concentrate on story and character. That bad? Apart from the run-ons, I always thought my grammar was pretty decent. - I forget now what prompted my comment, let me check back..... Err, you know, I really don't know what prompted that. I've read back through the first couple of pages and all I can think of is that I was thinking about someone else!!! (no names). I am terribly sorry, complete retraction, I think your grammar is just fine! *** The clichés might be harder to avoid, I'm afraid. - I'm not against cliches, I think they can be delivered in non-cliched ways *** "but romance was a part of Laurea’s plans" - Did you mean was not in her plans? It sounds like that from the context. It was supposed to mean she intends to marry for profit someday, basically everything Laurea does is so the Celsior family (which is just her and her sister fttb) returns to being a major player. - In that case, I think 'romance is not part of her plans', because marrying for influence is not romantic. My problem was that the 'but' sounded weird because the two parts of the phrase were not opposing. *** "legal Academy" - this is my favourite hobby horse at the moment. You can't capitalise one of thee, it both or neither. If you are not referring to a single named one, it should be legal academy. If it was the Harvard Legal Academy then it's a single named example and should be caps. It's... um... between the two? Thalas has 5 A(a)cademies, each one has a specific field that only they can teach (Law, Medicine, Engineering, Atramancy and Dhéonomy) and fields that get taught everywhere (like history and accounting). So if they say 'legal academy' (capitalisation pending) there's only one it could be. I wasn't really aware of the double-or-nothing capitals until your explanation, but in this case I still can't decide which it should logically be. - I think it looks weird, but aside from that, you are referring to one particular academy and it's name is the Legal Academy. If there were five legal academies in the city, then it could be any of them, unless you name it. This is why it looked weird to me *** "She would get the salting credit for doing it" - what does 'salting' mean in this context? It sound like it's being used as a 'cuss' word. Yup, other swear-words include scupperhole and (piece of) chum (as in fish guts). I'm going for a nautical theme - I didn't quite get it as a swear. I'm not sure it sounds all that sweary, it could even have been some sort of academic credit.

I enjoyed this submission. I must admit with all the fashion talk, it’s like Robert Jordan on steroids. I always had to toil through his descriptions of the dress of every melon-farming Aes Sedai in the room before he went any further, but this is the main subject of your submission, so work ways better than that. Sorry about the Cat Lady original story quip below, but I'm tickled by the thought that, by the 10th novel in the series, Lasila might live alone with 10 cats The ending “What precisely had Maranthe seen in her?” I felt could have been more effective if it had contemplated what Maranthe had planned for her. I think looks forward and is more active than ‘seen’. I'm sure you’ll get loads of comments about this being dull, but I'm on board. I like a slow burn, and I continue to enjoy the financial straits that you’ve placed Lasila in. I think you could stand to highlight that more. Maybe have a debtor coming to the door, or her inability to buy food – maybe such things are coming. Nice job. <R> -------------------------------------------------- “Might as well enjoy what little laziness she could afford herself while she still could” – Rather convoluted. “Weighting Weighing her age and that it was always wise to show deference to those who were going to dress you” – I think, as in weighing up. “No need to encourage the kitten to run away” – I’ve got it! It’s Cat Lady: the origin story!! “The seamstress' shop proved to be situated on a well-treed side street not far from the financial district, situated next to a glassblower's” “and a Senator senator, say?” – it’s not Senator Jones, after all. “No, what it created was the illusion of equality, the spectre of anonymity. Plausible deniability-- it might have been anyone. A lure for the uncautious incautious.” – Nice passage, enjoyed it, pulled me in some more. “But that could not only be it” – Don’t know what this actually means, some kind of grammar breakdown, I think. ‘But that could not be all of it.’ (?) “and she had been invited to an orgy” – Was this stated, directly or implied, before? If so, I'm not sure it’s been clear. I’ve caught a vague suggestion of the possibility, but I wonder if Lasila would not have thought more clearly on this subject before now, so that the reader could more fully contemplate her thoughts from the start of this chapter. “By all means, permit the heathen priest inside” – It’s very unprofessional for her to speak so of one client in front of another, it makes me question the seamstress’s competence as a business woman. “One of those dresses had been pink, too, with fine golden lacework. Lasila let her hand fall to her side.” – A nice poignant passage, when she recalls her mother’s dresses. Am I supposed to be able to recall what befell her parents? I can’t, but I also can’t remember if we’ve been told. “I would go all to brass in this” – I don’t know what she means by this.

I can see there is some comment about the species and the names. Obvs, I'm pre-soaked in these elements. If I was new to the Dissolution-verse, this would bug the heck out of me.

[Brace yourself..., it's chunky :)] Very readable submission, I expected nothing less, but I do have some issues. Let’s call them gripes. Gripe No.1: The biggest is with Prot and his naivety. I think it’s way too late for him to be questioning the cargo. Gripe No.2: Amra is way too accommodating to his position. The phrases she uses are so submissive it’s actually a bit painful. If it’s in character, then her character is too weak for me. I think Prot needs more of a foil. Gripe No.3: I find the Sureriaj accent anything but musical, rather harsh, hence my tour of Scotland trying to place it. Gripe No.4: The gangsters cave too easily for me. I thought that was a missed opportunity to take another hundred fifty words and crank up the tension. However, I love being back on a portal ground and your line about the wagon spanning the distance between homeworlds is just perfect. And there’s a Benish – awesome. I know the submission break point is probably artificial, but I really did expect a twist at the end, things getting worse, you know? Some typos and quibbles below the line. Good job, looking forward to more. <R> --------------------------------------------------------------- “this evening with enough to money to buy a small storefront” – This doesn’t sound like the eye-popping payout he was describing earlier. I dare say a shop-front is very expensive, but the reader isn’t equipped to judge that, methinks. “the worse least inhabitable land” “It had a musical accent” – I don’t think the accent would provide speech with musicality, I think it would come from the individual’s tone, no doubt determined by the physical parameters of their larynx, and their chosen style of delivery. I think accent is learned by osmosis from many years of absorbing received pronunciation. Also, for me, ‘yer’ doesn’t suggest musical, I think it suggests coarseness. “the seller assured me the cargo wasn’t illegal or dangerous” – is he that naive? Bhon asks a question that I think I would have expected Prot to ask himself, and therefore possibly his client, before taking the job. “with faces regarded as ugly to by my species” – this read to me like being told by someone else to find a species ugly. “Yer did not know if of it?” – I'm put in mind of the wee gangster in Zootropolis, and his most particular form of speech. “Don’t want any o’ this gettin’ lost before it gets to ‘em” – I must admit I struggle to read this very clipped speech. If I was given the choice, I’d choose a dialled-back version. “Now be off with yer and yer ilk, and pack these crates up nice-like” – the packing and the being off seem to be the wrong way round. “I would have Amra check their paperwork later” – Hmm, if someone gave you a bit of paper, would you not even glance at it? I guess everyone’s different. “their pistols could even fire more than once before being reloaded” – This takes me back, way back, to a critique question long ago – I think it was my first read through of what is now First Majus in Space, where a question arose about the level of weapons tech in the Dissolutionverse. They have developed spaceships, but not repeating handguns. So, Bhon is toting the equivalent of a flintlock? I toil somewhat with that. “Me family leader did nae specify what to pay yer now” – Are the Sureriaj Glaswegian? “I wasn’t was no longer certain” – No rust, Sherlock. He really does seem naive. “I need the money to move it” “I will have ter inform me benefactor, yer ken” – Okay, not Glaswegian, maybe Aberdonians or Fifers. “Oh, this was too easy. Never send a thug to negotiate with a merchant” – I struggle to buy lines like this from Prot, when he has been so trusting to date. And the negotiation seems too easy, the counter offer comes back too quickly for me. “Threats on a medicine run? What was in those crates? ” See, by this point and before, you've really kind of lost me on Prot’s credibility as a shrewd operator. Thus, these doubts feel far too late. “If me or me familymates” – lol, great word. “Frente…Masnaith, I am” – It’s Yoda in disguise!! “the quicker we got the rest of our money” – suggestion for clarity. “There was a wheeze and the tube above Amra and my heads began speaking as well” – How many heads does Prot have and why are they speaking at this point? “driving through a populated city at top speed” – I thought they had speed limits – would this not attract unwanted attention? “You could have turned this down when you saw the payoff was too big” – The phrase too big’ bothered me. “I made my hands relax their grip on my chair” – awkward phrasing, I'm trying myself to get away from these awkward constructs for more elegant, shorter forms, like ‘I relaxed my grip on the chair.’ “smushfruit” – Awesome, I want some! Are these big like melons or smaller like papayas? Also, I thought that they were stationary in the queue, now they are speeding towards a stationary cart? Also, I didn’t like the use of cart (noun) and cart (verb) together. “I pushed away the impending feeling of impending doom” – if the feeling is impending, it hasn’t arrived, therefore he cannot push it away. (Captain Pedant got busted back down to lieutenant recently for an incorrect comment on NeonGrey’s use of ‘bimonthly’, but I think this will get him his third pip back – or second bar in US Army parlance.) “Not quite as unique as mine” – Naaaaarggghh – it’s unique or it’s not, surely. “There was even one lone Benish, standing rooted to the spot like a particularly gnarled anthropomorphic tree. It carried an immense bag in one hand” – Yay, long time no see. “The disgraced Naiyul had less fewer ties” “Every majus I had seen was rich as a king and thought themselves better than anyone else” – I feel like I’ve met someone like this before... “had been designed to pass through the portals between worlds created by the maji” – sounds like the maji made the worlds, and this “They were only used once, more than twenty five cycles ago” reads like it’s the portals, not the vehicle, I think. “That’s war for you.” – great line. “bought it for a song-and-a-half at a junk yard” – I tripped over the original version, so suggest this for flow. “Of course, any ordinance ordnance was long gone” “We both stopped, watching each other” “Amra was silent, but I could see agreement in her face” – I think she is waaay too accommodating here, very meek. “You need to travel, honey. We’ll do whatever you want.” Not convinced. Top of Page 16. He’s complained about the cost already, this feels repetitive. “travel without taxation” – It’s not taxation, it’s paying a price for a service. Prot should be more savvy than this, I think. “I tried not to think about the two halves of the transport separated by the distances between homeworlds” – awesome line, love it.

I'll get there, but thanks or the offer. I'm sure you have many more important things to do I'll just consult the blog once the sedation.... wears... off.

I love the look of the new site, BUT.... I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate the new line formatting. We now live in a police state where line-and-a-half spacing is mandatory, and double line spacing for paragraphs is the law. My signature used to look compact and neat, now it takes up half a page and I'm strongly considering just deleting it :o( (Or, there might be way to edit line spacing that I can't see and I have overreacted...., slightly....., again.)

However, can we agree, Kaisa, that there are still a lot of the wrong words, missing words and typos etc.?

I like the pace of events, but some of those events left my unconvinced. Plots beats seem to happen very easily. Without any significant effort, Kang just stumbles across people willing to blurt out the information he needs to progress. I really don’t feel any threat, or doubt that everything will fall into place. Also, I have a new device. It’s called a ‘Grammar Blocker’ and means I can read through and not be tempted to comment on the numerous issues. <R> ------------------------------------------------------ “brightly glowing silastone tumbling from the bag” – I don’t remember what this is, should I? Also, if this is payment or even if not, it seems a very blatant signing point straight to the perpetrators, like they left a business card on the body. “I have found evidence that she was framed” – Hmm, modern expression. I just think such things harm the tone of a story that is a world away from ours. “Lady Forneli gasps and stops in her tracks. “Was he really. That is troubling news. Takok you need to change out security measure. I always thought there was something off about that man” – Her reaction reads like bad acting. Either she is complicit or watches too many soap operas. “Sor Kangalak, I am afraid I do not understand what this has to do with me and my chiefdom.” – I presume. “My head throbs painfully.” – Why? What causes this? “It wouldn’t hurt for you to embarrass them at such a critical vote.” How would they embarrass the other house? If they are rivals, voting against them would be no surprise, and voting with them would be... dumb, but not embarrassing. I don’t follow the logic here. “I told you Kipk was lying. There is no way you can hire an assassin in a tavern” – This is the second time Kang has just stood in the street and people have told him key plot information. If you went into a bar to hire an assassin, would you speak out loud about it in the street? Rather bizarre, I think, and too convenient. “brightly pulsing silastone” – So, this is money, but what is its value? In less sophisticated times, money had its own intrinsic value, i.e. gold, silver, etc. before it became a token backed by central banks in modern times. But here, what can you do with a silastone that makes it desirable? The bartender spills the beans really easily. Okay, he’s getting paid, but he doesn’t know that Aspik (love the name, btw) is dead, and yet he doesn’t fear any reprisal or even blink for an instant. “Why would she take such a serious risk just to remove Lumi from the conclave” – But the old guy who got killed was going to the conclave. Did he die just to frame Lumi? Surely, they could have been removing him from the conclave too. “picking up the greasy rocks” – Is this supposed to be the coal? I wouldn’t call coal ‘rocks’ – it’s not rock, clearly. “Shut her up, but don’t kill her. She said no killing” – another pair of smooth operators, willing to blab about who sent them. “Thanks for the save” – modern expression, bleuch. “I say pulling off my soiled clock” – ROFL. I can’t believe they start discussing laundry at the end of the section. Why is this interesting? Nice end to the chapter, I like the lift line cutting and the shock that people are stranded / cut off in some way, even if it don’t fully understand the blocking of who is where and cut off from what. Is Kang up or down from Lumi now?

Nature's great when it stays outside...

Good for you - I'm not so on the pulse of current SFF, I'm afraid.

Yes, I think they are all published, and surely have to be to be eligible. Yes, I vote online in each category as far as I'm aware. All attending members get to vote. It's $50 for a non-attending membership.

I'm going to read a part of everything, in particular trying to read all the short forms, as that is what I am trying to focus on and improve in my work. On the plus side, I won't need to worry about line-by-lines!