Robinski

Heya, just starting now. Realistically, it will be tomorrow (it's 9pm, and I have no stamina anymore), but I will tag you, as requested. Okay, I need to do a reset here. A lot of water has passed under the bridge on this, and I'm going to try and block all that out and approach it with a clean slate. Me being influenced by my negative impressions of earlier parts is probably not the more constructive basis to go into this latest sub. So, deep breaths; cleanse the critical palette; every day is Christmas Eve. (page 1) Chapter 10 - First line, first paragraph: impactful, interesting. The first line seems like everything is perfect, but then it's immediately obvious that is far from the case. This character's voice is engaging; she's in a hard place; she's experiencing conflict. This is all good for the story, and reader engagement, I think. - "its presence weighing on her everywhere she looked" - See, this is good. The reader likes to see a character suffer, struggle, and then triumph against adversity, generally speaking. - "She dropped the rock and ran toward it" - (a) plural / singular disagreement: she's running towards explosions, plural. So, not 'it'; (b) I was a bit surprised that she's able to run towards the explosion. I presumed she was a slave and, if not actually chained to the rock, would be supervised by guards who would keep her under control. I'm rolling with it for now. (That's a rock joke, btw.) - Hang on, are there orange people and golden people? I'm not quite clear on that. Orange and gold are not the same thing, so much be two groups, I'm thinking . (page 2) - "This was her chance" - I like the repetition of the same phrase that starts the paragraph. I found that effective. - "too focused on the group behind her" - I'm not clear on what the group behind her is. Maybe I got turned around. I picture the ship ahead of her, landing between her and the group that is a mix of humans and 'other species'. If that's the case, I don't know what the group behind her is. I get that the guards are flying around but were there none close to her? I think there would be more impact of her potential escape if there was a guard close to her, and maybe they hit her with a pole or some such before getting called away to the explosion. - "She made it to the ship" - Okay, this was too easy for me. What is the terrain like? Is it not rocky ground that is difficult to hurry across, and she is fearful that someone will spot her, catch her before she can reach the ship? Maybe she stumbles. Maybe someone shouts, and she ducks, but it's not her they are shouting at. Need something to raise the stakes a bit more, IMO. - "the group running toward the ship" - I'm not quite clear one this group. The description of them is a bit sparse, just 'the group'. I don't need to know their names or their motives, but a bit more details would engage me with them better. - Why is 'human' capitalised? - "resting his head on his hand" - I struggle to picture this, sounds really awkward. He's standing, holding a rifle, but has his head in his hand? - "with miniscule blonde hair" - What is minuscule hair? Is it like a buzz cut? I think there are better ways to describe that. (page 3) - "The Human next to him" - Who is 'him' in this sentence. I was expecting this would be the guy standing next to 'her' with the gun, but I guess it's the guy who shouted 'Carol'. For me, enough lines have passed that I've lost that frame of reference, hence my confusion. - "The Human helped her up" - Which human? I've lost the thread of who is who. I would think that she would attribute different physical characteristics to the people, so that she can distinguish them, and that would get passed on to the reader. We know there's one guy with a buzz cut. A bigger issue, I think is that there are non-human species in this group, right? Would they not stand out to her, and would the reader not get some description of them? - "electronics filling the room" - This is not a useful description, IMO. This could mean motherboards riveted to the wall, flat screens, control panels, big rheostat nobs, anything. - "Boron slaves" - This rings weird to me. Is there a reason the slaves are named after the fifth element (you heard me) in the periodic table? It's distracting, when a name has a powerful association with something else, something practically everyday, certainly to anyone who's done chemistry at school/college/uni/whatever. It sounds to me like saying, 'How many Silicon slaves did we free?' I'd suggest having a name that doesn't mean anything else, that way, no one can be tripped up by it. - "Everyone focused on her" - This evening, my writing group here in Glasgow (the Glasgow Science Fiction Writers' Circle, former members including Amal El-Mohtar and Gary Gibson. I mean, I can dream, right?) were lucky enough to have an agent called John Jarrold do a Q&A with us. John (when a publisher) bought Ken MacLeod's first novel (Star Fraction), he was David Gemmell's editor, and agent and friend to Iain M. Banks for many years (until his death). Not just name dropping, I'm showing that John knows what he's talking about. He has 40 authors signed to him at present. (There is a point to this, bear with me.) John offered much useful advice, however the nugget I want to apply here is this one: "Every word has to be your best writing", and, "you must engage the reader at all times". Okay, the two nuggets I want to apply here... Okay, moving on from bad Monty Python paraphrasing, I think there are a lot of instances were the word choice doesn't work hard enough. I know we're in early drafts here (What draft is this, incidentally?) Here, 'focused' doesn't convey anything about their mood, they manner. Did they turn on her, glowering? Did they glance at her, hesitantly? No doubt it's actually a mix, but 'focused' doesn't show any movement, or any demeanour of the people, IMO. This chimes well with something that the Writing Excuses crew say quite often, every sentence, paragraph, etc. needs to perform multiple functions. It's the same idea. Everything has to be as good as it can be, and I think we need to learn to strive for that from our first draft, and in every draft. - "Another orphan..." - This is a pretty good example. I think there is quite a bit in this last paragraph on the page. It's simply phrased, delivered straight, but there is quite a bit of thought-provoking stuff in there. (page 4) - "She tried following what they said with no luck" - Since we're own her POV, how can we see what the humans are saying? This seems like a POV crash to me. I mean, I suppose there is an argument to say that she can hear all the same sounds as I'm reading, just not understand what they mean, whereas I know the code. That's an interesting idea. I think you would need to be really clear from the outset about everything that she cannot understand. Put it in a different font, maybe, or highlight in some way, with italics, or all CAPS, or something. - "she tried to speak to prove him wrong" - Okay, I got that wrong. She can understand all that's said? This needs cleared up. But if you did GO ALL CAPS FOR THE BITS SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND, it would be crystal clear on the page. It just still feels like either a POV cheat, or the line "She tried following what they said with no luck" needs revision. (page 5) - "she saw he held a syringe" - How does she know what a syringe is? - "shoved it into her arm" - Have you ever had blood taken? This is likely to be ineffective, either because they won't get a decent sample, or the sample will not be great for testing. There correct location of a suitable vein, applying a cinch to bring the vein to the surface, potentially pumping of the fist to raise the vein, careful in section of the needle into the vein, after cleaning the site first, to avoid any chance of infection, etc. Details on things like this is a great way to get reader buy-in, but can be a quick way to lose it. - "she knows how to talk" - I'm not sure I see how you could learn how to talk be reading someone's mind. Surely you would need to practice, to speak and use the skill until you knew how it worked. No way did she just speak for the first time now. The newborn analogy is interesting. Walking I get how she could learn that without any encouragement or teaching, since she could see how human and bipeds around her in the slave camps did it, but I still think she would need to converse with people to be able to speak. - "who she now decided seemed to be the leader of the group" - mentioned this before, but direct phrasing is so much more engaging and easier to read than uncertainty, indecision and vagueness. This line can quite easily be 'who clearly was the leader'. We can see the she decides it, because we're in her POV and she has the thought right there on the page. You don't need to say things like 'she thought', 'she decided', these things are transparently obvious. This goes back to the everything being the best writing, and every word doing work, which many of these in the example don't. ' "She is a liability to the group" - I hope I'm going to get an explanation of why on the next page. (page 6) - "There’s a reason. She’s special." - As reveals go, this is clunky, IMO. The dialogue could be snappier here. I feel like it lack style, and needs to be better at showing the different characters of the speakers. - "Really? A TH?” Jeff asked, astonished" - Telling us he's astonished, is not as effective as showing us, which you can do with characterful moments: '"Really? A TH?” Jeff's eye's bulged a little, and his eyebrows went north.' - by way of example. - "M and, therefore, P" - So, M and P are people? It's not clear, IMO, whether these are characters or magical traits, or superpowers. - "She wasn’t Human" - Again, why is human capitalised. There's no indication that a Human is any different from a human. (page 7) - "Not only is she the key to getting H, but she also has P" - How is she the former, and I really need some kind of explanation of the special abilities. Maybe that was present in the earlier chapters and I don't remember it, but I feel the lack of it now. - "And I’ll make sure Pre hears of this so he" - It's confusing to have some people called things like Pre, and some abilities called things like Pot. How does the reader know when they are speaking about a person or an ability? Okay, there is context, but the reader's understanding is disrupted each time one these terms comes up. - "a new pair of clothes" - 'find her new clothes' - Clothes don't come in pairs. - "“Wear these for now.” She wore the clothes" - Style is important. This is really dull. I would delete this bit, because you then describe how the clothes feel to her, so we know she put them on. it's like saying "Put on these clothes." She put the clothes on." It's direct repetition of the previous line of dialogue, but it doesn't seem to work as a stress, just a repetition. Narrative should be more vibrant, IMO, which is why cutting an going straight to how the clothes feel is more interesting. (page 8) - "injected the liquid inside of her" - into her. Inside is a state of rest: being inside. Whereas into is an action, and change of state. Also, there is way more to syringe work than a newbie being able to do it right first time. I would be happier if there was a technological answer to this. Let's say it was a nano-syringe, then I would assume it was a fancy tech-y thing that wasn't 't complicated and involved like a syringe these days. I'm going to post this up, since I don't want to risk losing it in a Safari accident. (It's happened before, although I do cut-and-paste my text out from time to time, although this forum engine has a pretty good recovery mode.) Chapter 10 overall Honestly, I think this is better than anything I've read before in this novel. The people are a bit bland compared to some of the other characters, but then the other characters for the most part are jerks (from what I've read to date), so that makes there guys much more relatable. Other plus points in this chapter: there is something of a mystery in terms of 'her' abilities, and the Ch Squad working out what's going on with her. It's a bit easy, but I' prepared to believe they have the tech to do it. The MC is relatable, she experiences conflict, is freed from slavery. These things are compelling. Look, it's no masterpiece; I think the narrative lacks style and voice, which are really important, but those things can be worked on in later drafts. Getting the story down in early drafts is the key thing, IMO. Style, attitude, voice, character, can be built on through edits. I really think if this had been your first submission the theme of the feedback would have been quite different, and I'm really interested to read what the others think. I will come back and read Chapter 11 directly.

You're very welcome. That's what we do

Okay, But I would not call that short tail. When I hear short ponytail, I'm thinking more like this... Which it seems to me would not work well with curly hair? Well, I would not say the tail in your picture is short, and I'm kind of 50/50 on it being neat, not that it doesn't look good, but it's really more letting it hang out, it seems to me. I breathe on mine, and rub them (gently) with the hem of my T-shirt. My wife uses glasses cleaning solution and a tissue. I mean, it's just my opinion. I'll be interested to hear what the others think. I won't say any more than that, but if I was a betting chap, I know where I'd put my money. I think it comes back to what I think you are now seeing, in the people in the desert, they joke around, but they don't seem invested in their own situation, their internal monologue is not as convincing to me, and the banter felt a bit forced, in a way that these chapters did not. I didn't really know what the dessert people were trying to achieve, or why. I didn't get any real sense of what they believed in, or a sense of tension / conflict, etc.

Heya, I stopped reading previously because of pressure of like and the struggles that I was having getting engaged with the character and the story. But, I'm glad to come back and see what's what. Also, interesting to read your comments in the email (Don't worry about email length, say what you need/want to say!) about seeing the issues and how you might tackle them Chapter 10 (page 1) - "Just what she lived for" - I find this a bit contradictory with the opening line about her 'hating' waking up. It undermines her motivation, I think. Essentially, Ce is an engineer, or maybe a designer. Clearly, she is very committed to and invested in her task, the creation of this armour. As a result, (and as a fellow engineer, I empathise with her commitment to the project) I would expect her to hate going to sleep, but to love waking ups, because she can get back to her project, bright-eyed and alert. - "several stories storeys above the main floor" - "like small fishes" - good image. (page 2) - "told you to do" - Huh, I thought Ce was leading the project. Slightly surprised by this. - I like the banter between the sisters. The dialogue is completely convincing, IMO. I like the pacing too. I'm skipping along through the scene, and would be reading at a good pace if not stopping to critique. - "it was the reason she had stopped" - Stopped what? - "She dismissed her protests on that point, however. She’d talk to her sister later" - Oh, good grief, not you too. I commented on this in AW's sub, I think. IMO, using generic pronouns in the same sentence for different people is awkward, and unclear. I think that when one changes character, clarification is required for the reader to be clear on who is being referred to. Okay, there may be instances when this doesn't follow, but I think that's the exception, not the 'rule'. Take the second sentence here. With the addition of the word 'sister', everything is clear, and flows more smoothly, IMO. - "We’re very close to the all-clear, sir" - Sir?! You're going to have to talk me through that one. De is female, right? - "Bug---s" - I remember this from before. The names--the surnames specifically--are...odd. I'm reading a story about armour and engineering and presumably battle or combat of some sort but the surnames are straight out of Beatrix Potter. (page 3) - "trying to banish thoughts from her mind" - This is weird. There's no background or basis for this thought provided,. I hope it's going to be justified or explained, because if not I'm either going to get frustrated, or I'm going to end up forgetting about it. - "He had kind of been asking asked for that one" - There is good advice from various sources that vagueness and/or uncertainty are not compelling or engaging to the reader. Again, there are exceptions to any guidance, but this doesn't look like one of them to me. Is there are reason Ce need to be noncommittal here, really? - "Mostly from the male engineers" - What is this supposed to imply? I don't understand. Am I to read this as leering? I don't get it. - "which grew out in tight, black curls—in a short, neat tail" - Confused: how do you get a ponytail from short, curly hair? - "ran her fingers through her hair" - Contradiction, and maybe it's legit. But, she's just explained that she doesn't care about her appearance, and doesn't want men looking at her. Then, she's sliding her fingers through her hair, presumably because she's unhappy with her appearance. I'm happy to read this as it sounds, i.e. she's lying to herself, but when critiquing, I'm never sure if it's unintended by the author, so, I err on the side of complaining - "Em is introduced" - I need more context. Where is Em? Are they in one of the sets of armour? Are they an engineer with a clipboard? - "Em flinched, hunkering their head down and raising their arms" - This reads like a POV shift to me. - "dark gray suit of armor over fifteen feet tall" - That doesn't seem like a suit of armour to me, but more like a jaeger. - "hurled it across the room" - I've been picturing them in some sort of courtyard, i.e. open to the sky, like a compound. Not sure why. (page 4) - "She allowed herself to be taken away" - Okay, I have an issue here. I feel like I'm being dragged away from the action, which isn't a good feeling. I'm sticking with it, but I hope that's not how it plays out. (page 5) - "SOULS,” The automaton began" - I feel like every second sub I have to mention this. Inappropriate capitalisation. This his part of the same sentence, as evinced by the comma, so, 'the'. - "The words disturbed her., but What did they even mean?" - Run-on sentence, IMO. (page 6) - The description of GR is quite tell-ing. Sounds a bit hooky to me. A quite enjoyed his description, which puts me in mind of some of the outlandish costumes conjured up by Jack Vance in his work. - I'm enjoying the arc of the chapter. We get close to a relation then some bigwig comes in and 'stamps it out'. Hmm, suspicious - "Check the…financial department. I…think" - This is weird to me. The automaton is speaking all clipped and Hulk-like, which is in keeping with the way it's presented. Then, suddenly, it starts speaking like a normal person. That doesn't scan well for me. - "Become Silent" - Feels over-written. Why does he not just say 'Silence!' It's more commanding and seems appropriate to the situation, and Gal's character. - "He began to talk to them" - He talked to them already. Odd phrasing: not clear. - "Em said something loud" - Same: odd phrasing. What did she say? Something she didn't mean to say out loud? Or, did she raise her voice? The phrasing here is too simplistic, to the point of being unclear. (page 7) - "black bangs and large lips" - I...what? This is weird. IMO, you can't just say 'large lips'. Are the full, pouting lips, does she have a broad mouth. Much more clarity required. - "she jumped up at least a foot into the air" - I want you to stand up and do this, and then consider where it's a reasonably thing for her to do at this point. I'm interested to hear you conclusion. - "rubbed them on the front of her uniform" - That's no way to treat glasses, and will not be at all effective in cleaning them. Do you wear glasses? Speak to someone who does. They are fragile, and expensive!!! - LOL, I applaud you for ending a chapter on 'Yeah,' which really should not work, I think, but does because of the line before it , of course. The reader can read emotion, empathy and sisterly bond into those lines. Nice job. (page 8) Chapter 12 I presume there is another chapter in some other POV in between these? - Again, I'm totally convinced by the sisterly relationship. - "there was a pair of scissors in there" - I'm not clear on this urge of Ce's to hurt people. I'm not convinced by it, it seems a bit selective. She has these occasional thoughts, but she ran towards the device/creature, and she seemed to care for Me, seems to care for De. (page 9) - "There was a surprising amount of people" - number of people: they are individuals. Surprising amount of water; surprising number of people. - "Its words followed her around like buzzing insects" - MAIN POINT: This is my big takeaway from this POV. This is miles ahead of the earlier chapters you submitted, IMO, but leans closer to the Prologue, the first thing that you subbed. The character voice in this submission is marvellously clear. It's engaging, interesting and completely believable, IMO. The scenes in the desert, they really cannot match this. The character voices were indistinct, kind of nondescript if I'm honest. They were not compelling, any of them, not for me. I could read a whole novel in Ce's POV, no problem at all. The older lady in the prologue: very strong internal voice, I thought, and quite engaging, interesting. The people in the desert, it's so crystal clear, the distinction between these voices, I think. (page 10) - "the founder of Keep" - I'm not really following this religious talk. There are a lot of names and phrases being thrown around, and I can't really latch on to any of them, because there are so many, and they all seem to intermingle, and I don't really get a chance to fix on anything. However, it does not feel like telling, it doesn't feel like info-dumping to me, it sounds like a real conversation, but between two people who know what they're talking about, know the reference points, when I don't. (page 11) - "I don’t make fun of Void" - How does Void relate to Mon? How do either relate to Keep ism? I just don't understand, and nothing in this section says to me that any of this matters to the story, so I'm really just skimming here. You mentioned that religions intrigued you, that's all well and good, but does any of this matter to the story? It's a decent hook that one sister believe one thing and the other doesn't, but unless any of this matters to the story, it seems like little more than window-dressing. - " A dagger plunged into Ce’s heart" - I don't understand her reaction, because I haven't absorbed her belief system, I suppose. (page 12) - I thought the ending with her putting her face in her hands was quite effective. I see there is a plan for a bit more on this scene but, honestly, I'd be happy enough if the scene ended there. Then again, I don't know how the continuation will be, so this comment is neither her not there, I suppose. Overall - I think my main response to this sub is in my main point above. I thought this was pretty good, and much more engaging than what has gone before in the desert. Thank for sharing

Well, okay then. Here we go. (page 1) - I have an awful memory for details, so expect me to forget things that other people remember. - I don't remember who Sal is. Should I? - "Yesterday it had exploded" - POW. Great line. Not even so much the explosion, but it taking the whole system with it: ouch! - Ohhhhh, I remember who Sal is, because you just told me, but with that reminder came various fragments of memories or earlier stuff. Them being imprisoned together, right? Her and Y? By the Ng, right? One of my favourite threads. (page 2) - "space edition" - LOL. - Not doing LBLs. There are things I would comment on, but I'm not doing that at present. - "perpetual smell" - This doesn't mean bad. I'm not sure what it means. Unclear. - "clicked her tongue twice" - I don't remember this. She doesn't speak? I thought she did. (page 3) - "stuffed with parsley" - Okay, cooking objection. I don't think you would stuff a leg with just parsley. That would not work very well practically, I think. I think it would be more likely to be parsley mousse, for example. Often, using leg meat, a ballotine would be a more practical approach, as the leg isn't really hollow, unless deboned, I suppose, which seems like a lot of work. (I'm knee-deep in Masterchef: The Professionals, and haven't missed a series for 10 years. I like my cheffing!). - "inability to speak" - yeah, okay, I sort of remember this now. She did try to speak before, didn't see? And managed some rudimentary noises? Maybe I'm conflating this with something else. - "salamander-tinged parsley" - Eh? But the salamander is the main ingredient, so this is back-to-front. And the word 'tinged' has no place in cooking. (page 4) - "PR-----IANS" - That's really awkward. - "I DO KNOW THAT E’S REACH...WOULD NOT HAVE REACHED" - Awkward repeated word use. - I don't remember who MP is. - This page, the message and Sal's reaction in thought is pretty heavily info-dumpy. Gets rather dry after a few lines. I mean, it's interesting, but I can't help feeling that--when characters do this--their voices start to sound the same. (page 5) - "her girlfriend At" - again, this feels really tell-y, and sells Ne waaaaay short. - "Now, three years later" - Massively recappy, in a really 'Previously, on Ard...' way. - Nicholas and me (page 6) - "I don’t want another adventure" - Good line. I like Sal's voice, and I like her plight. I hope her POB is going to continue through this book. Unlike Y, I feel like she has personal stakes. Unlike, Ne/At, she is dealing with issues on a personal level, not on a solar systems level, which in many ways is more compelling. - "easily four times the size of the D and eight times as tall" - The size includes the height. The size takes in all three dimensions. Oh, and love the name of the ship. Very much evocative of Ringworld/Known Space ship names, which I always enjoyed. - "and planted trees from dozens of worlds, and a few sickly-looking birds busy aiming their excrement on at every alien head" - I'm enjoying this enough that the LBLs are getting quite frustrating. Good sign! I know, I know, Draft 0, but still, (a) what else would the trees be? Not necessary; (b) definitely aim 'at' something, although you could 'draw a bead on' a target. (page 7) - "His skin was a dark umber brown, thick and non-translucent" - His skin was thick? This is usually a metaphor for not being sensitive--as I know you know--but used here in a physical description, it's just odd. I understand that there is context here, and that Ard's skin is translucent, and I guess that's her perspective, but it's heard to pick that up from what we've read already. Not sure a new read would pick up the translucence before now. - "Sal didn’t really understand the difference between those and the beige ones, but did admit, they fit a lot better" - Ergo, she does see the difference. (page 8) - "but I think I do want this" - Yup, this is satisfying to me. Happy to follow Sal on her journey and read her as a main POV. It seems to me that the flip-side of that--oh, all right, the corollary--is that we do not need any Y POVs in this story. I think that would detract from Sal's POV, him being rather overbearing; brash; alpha male etc. - This puddle thing, I don't know how to picture that. I vaguely remember something about this when Y was buying a ship, or components, I think in Book 4(?), and him dealing with such a creature, but I think I need more explanation of this. And if I need more explanation, you can bet a new reader will not pick up how to picture a puddle as a sentient being. - "went off in search of a puddle to place an order" - This is hugely regressive. Is it not table service, is there not some kind of automated ordering system? - "pointed at his feet again, then pointed to the ceiling" - I don't get it. "Do you know how to fly?" - Okay, maybe they have this shorthand all worked out, but I don't see any way that, pointing at feet then the ceiling says, 'I want to go on a mission in the ship.' (page 9) - "Sal gave him a scrunched-nosed smile" - I like this. I like seeing emotion from her, and I hope to see her a Y getting lovey dovey. I don't mean a sex scene, I mean affection/love. I say that because I remember some of the pretty horrific scenes from their meeting and escape. I think a recap, not in detail, but to give the emotional flavour of the time, would be very beneficial to the new reader. Otherwise, they will not be as invested in Y/Sal as previous readers are, IMO, and that would be a shame. - "When you find our puddle, double my whiskey order. We need to start stockpiling again" - (a) I'd say something like 'Make my whiskey a triple; (b) I think there's a mixed message here. I sounds exactly like he has ordered a glass of whiskey to drink, not ordering a bottle, as from a shop, to take onto the ship. This is restaurant, not a shop, right?; (c) as a Scotsman, I continue to resent the use of 'whiskey' in these stories, and not 'whisky'. Overall - Very good. By the end, I felt right at home. I wouldn't mind same better, more colourful and engaging description, but I like the emotional weight of being in Sal's POV. I like her voice, and would be happy to follow her as a main thread of the book, I believe that is s promise that has just been made to me, so I will be unhappy if that is not the case. - Good job. Nothing major. Starting a new book with a fresh POV and different character imperatives is an excellent plan, IMO.

That's entirely up to you, @ginger_reckoning. If you get the slot, you're free to submit whatever you like.

The 'good' news here, kids, is that--basically--it never changes. I am 54, and still feel much the same in my outlook as I did when I was 20. More considered now, more experienced, more rounded as a person <hey, you at the back, stop sniggering>, my politics have shifted, etc., but essentially still much the same person in my likes, dislikes, habits and personality. I think the biggest change that acts upon us through life is when there are shifts in the people around us. Getting married, or 'partnering-up'--for example; leaving home; changing jobs (maybe less so). In this respect, while it took me a few chapters to accept Ir's rather gushy reaction to her family, I came to accept it as reasonable because of the upbringing that she has had. Thankfully, there is conflict, there are hard times within the family unit and, for me, that offsets the bits earlier in the story that are a smidge saccharine for my taste as an emotionally repressed, middle-aged Scottish bloke.

I can see you point on this, but I would say not whole chapters, scenes though, okay. But we have to understand the context of the world and the characters for those scenes to be meaningful, and in this case they are not, not yet. The discussion between V and C, it's very basic in terms of the way married couple talk to each other, IMO. I don't want you to go, but I understand you have a duty. We've all read that or watched it a hundred times. These personal situations need to be more interesting, more surprising and unpredictable. They need to have depth, which is what I come back to again and again when I run in to problems with this story. I really would encourage you to look at whatever adult shows you're watching, or books you're reading and look at how the big authors handle personal relationships; plot; openings; chapter arcs; all that stuff. I really would suggest going back to the start of Writing Excuses podcast, assuming you haven't already heard it. It's a bit rough in the beginning series, but they cover those big ticket items and how to approach them, different strategies for planning a book, writing a book, writing convincing and interesting characters. I know you don't want to hear this but, from what I've read so far, I don't think you've got the tools to write the book you're trying to write here. My advice (do with it what you will), would be to do the learning. Seriously, buckle up and listen to those Brandon Sanderson lectures. Maybe the reason they make you uncomfortable is that, subconsciously, you realise that there is so much you don't know yet, or that you need to get your head around before you can write this story. I'd suggest writing some short stories with simple, self-contained plots and practice developing characters with depth and subtlety. Practice delivering a complete story arc in an intriguing and original way, whist building a colourful and wondrous setting at the same time, all in 5,000 words. That's how you learn, develop and hone the skills you need, IMO.

Diving back in on the basis that a lot of water has passed under the bridge, and I'm interested in the debate. (page 1) Chapter 7 - "blocked it from reaching the co-pilot, causing him to squint" - Why would her blocking the light cause him to squint? He would be in her shadow. - "mentally rolling her eyes" - Awkward. Why doesn't she just roll her eyes? Sounds like she doesn't care about his feelings. Rolling her eyes, in her head (as it were), is really quite awkward. In other news, I like her voice, her lack of patience with others. Good character trait to create conflict.with those around her. - "and his irises were pure red instead of his entire eye" - I don't quite follow. So it's normal for the entire eye to be read? That seems very abnormal. - Once page in, and I still like her voice, also the easy relationship she has with her assistance. The fear she strikes into others is fun too. I'm picking this up here anew after ducking out of the last sub, so this is my introduction to V, for what it's worth. (page 2) - "He surprised me" - It's a bit surprising that, given how scary she is to everyone else, this assistant of her's seems to have carte blanche to speak to her however he wants. She almost seems deferential to him. it's surprising, but it makes me think there must be hidden depths to this relationship . He does not talk to her like an assistant to a boss. - "their quarters" - Repetition of 'quarters' is kind of awkward. E says it's her quarters, then she thinks of it as their quarters. A bit contradictory. - I'll note this again, when you have sentences that have more than one person referred to by the same pronoun (she/her in this instance) it's awkward to tell who is who. Much clearer to use the name's more. I've done some LBL (line-by-line) comments in the Word file and will email it back to you, just to illustrate what I'm talking about. - "reminded her of chocolate" - Beware of colour-coding people of colour. There is guidance on this to avoid causing offence. It can be found easily enough by searching on the Net. Coding POC by food colours is offence to some people. - I'm curious how V knows it's C, if C has changed her appearance totally, and apparently can change her species?! - "enjoying the pleasant scent" - What is the scent? When there's a gilt-edged opportunity to add to the immersion of the reader by providing input from another sense, I'd advise you to take it. It really does add a dimension to the scene if the reader can imagine using another sense than sight. - Not sure I follow why V is annoyed with the kiss. Was she expecting C to throw her on the ground and ravish her? Also, wow, C is really condescending. (page 3) - "a peck on the cheek" - Nom really confused now. She's annoyed with a kiss on the lips, but a kiss on the cheek makes her feel better? - A bigger issue for me is the inconsistency in V's response to those around her. Everyone's terrified of her, but her assistant speaks like her boss, and V turns into a pussy cat under the gaze of her friend. Kind of undermines her reputation for dominating everyone else, but I'll play along for now. - "As I believe your lovely wife pointed out" - Oh, okay. That explains much of what was puzzling me. You don't need to keep everything from the reader. Mixing it up can involve just coming out and revealing stuff straight away. For example, I don't think this scene would have played much differently if E had just said, 'Your wife is waiting for you," when they were approaching the quarters. - "large of amounts of gases" - So, how is the illumination produced? - "Her skin color went back to normal" - Ooh, another skin tone alert. What is normal skin tone? I'd make it clear here that you're referring to C's normal skin tone. In fact, I wouldn't use the word 'normal'; maybe something like 'C's habitual alabaster', or whatever it is. - "She blushed, embarrassed" - Who did? (page 4) - "One of the mining families is about to go under" - Why? Where? How does this matter? How does a family go under? I presume it means their business will go under. - "fear does more to increase tensions than it does lessen them" - No kidding. V comes over a bit dense not to know/realise that. - "was that her?" - LOL, unexpected. (page 5) - "Some things don’t go away." - Hmm, we've just been hearing about how a portion of V's memories go away. The argument seems a bit circular. - "calm the shaky waters" - Odd phrasing. I'd say a more typical phrase would be 'rough waters', or some such. - How do you distinguish a dark square and a dark line? The description of the is not especially evocative. (page 6) - The last line is weak to end the chapter on. I get that it's a fade to black moment, but it needs to have more of a kick to it. It doesn't need to be suggestive or lascivious, but just to evoke something more in terms of implying the passion that follows (presumably). For example, by way of illustration, something like 'V engaged the privacy screen so that they would not be disturbed until morning' works better, I think. It implies movement of the narrative on to the next day, and also that they will be doing something that they don't want to be disturbed in. I think that's different from what sounds more like a security angle (no one entering). Chapter 8 - Okay, the last chapter was passingly engaging in terms of the relationship between V and C, but nothing else happened. There was some dialogue, personal tension between them. Okay, we learned a few details about the political situation, but there was little to engage my interest in the overall plot. What is the story about? What are the themes? What are the ideas, the mysteries, the conflicts that I am supposed to be picking up on, and intrigued to wind how they play out? In the same way as for Q, V's motivations are largely hidden from me. It's frustrating. (page 7) - "was only wearing a coat" - How would the maid know that if V was wearing the coat? - Style: "She looked at what C got for her" - I'm still trying to get to the bottom of why the narrative leaves me pretty cold. I ramble on about it in my overall notes below, but here is an example. Every word on the page needs to word as hard as possible to engage the reader, preferably doing multiple duty in terms of proving colour, information, maybe some background, foreshadowing, etc. This sentence here is just one example. These words do very little. You don't need to tell us that V looks at the package, the reader is going to assume that without you saying it. So, if you replaced this with 'She opened the package' we can move quickly on to what is inside, which is the interesting bit. I feel like there are a lot of sentences and clause like this, that add very little. I know this is polishing stuff, but if you have it in mind when writing it makes editing easier. (page 8) - "He started picking up the dust from the room" - I'm losing patience with this chapter. I am literally reading a chapter about someone dusting a room. - "Morning requires the sun to be up" - Manifestly untrue. Morning starts at 00:01, technically. - "putting up some resistance" - Resistance to what? Is there are war on? I might have missed this in the bit I skipped. - "this is taking up some of my break" - E said her break was ending early. "No, it was not mentioned" - contradicts what he said before. (page 9) - "You know you don’t mean that..." - There is very little happening in this. Very little of these exchanges is moving the plot forward. I get some personal stuff, that's fine, and I do like a chapter full of personal interaction, I don't mind an interlude from time to time, but these exchanges feel...shallow to me, in the sense that there is nothing surprising here, wife doesn't want her wife to go, wife is doing her duty. Fine, but it doesn't take a whole chapter to tell this, can be wrapped up neatly in a paragraph and still convey the emotion, the personal baggage. - "she said defensively" - This is not convincing to me. This guy is a servant, but they are being all deferential towards. These are feared and powerful women. The fact they they are so placating and timid around a male servant is not a good look from a gender viewpoint, IMO. - Accuracy in phrasing: "The sun is starting to rise" - The sun doesn't start to rise, it is moving continuously across the heavens. I guess you could say that dawn has begun, but this sounds to me like the sun is stationary, and then starts to move at a particular time. Something simple like 'The sun is rising' gets over what I think is awkward phrasing. (page 10) - "This is your week off" - got to say this sounds kind of ludicrous to me. Superheroes and super-villains (not sure which these are) don't get holidays, annual leave or weeks off. - "You’re also a god" - I'm coming back to what is described previously as shallowness. Comments like this are made as throw-away lines. They don't have any power because, IMO, they're not backed by any depth of character, or action, showing us that someone has the power and influence. 'Don't put yourself out, mother-in-law. I know you're a god, but it's fine. I'll finish my holiday later.' I've got to say it reads kind of like a soap opera this chapter, and doesn't engage me with the characters because nothing important is happening. (page 11) - "She walked back into the C building, and V boarded the shuttle" - I would encourage you to look at the last lines in chapter of the books that your read and study what they are doing, the impact that they have. This last line, and the one before, I think are pretty weak. They don't grab me and push me into the next chapter. It's like the chapter just stops. I'm not saying have a cliffhanger every chapter, that would be a whole other issue, but the reader needs a zinger, or a hanging thought, something with a bit of punch to make them excited for the next chapter. I'm just not getting that. Chapter 9 - "V Consumed souls" - Wait., where do these souls come from? Do the people fighting just fall over an die? Maybe this is covered in the bit I skipped, in which case, my bad. But this line seems kind of flippant to me. This is verging back into the difficult we had with Q, in that there seems to be no cost to V in using her ability. I feel again that we're going into a scenario where everything is too easy for her. - I get some description of the outpost buildings, which is okay if a bit cursory, but I don't understand the context of the setting. Is it desert like Tatooine, ice like Hoth, are we in Mirkwood, the plains of Rohan? Need a little more context in order to picture the scene. With visual context of setting it hard to conjure an image, I think the reader's mind tend to just play events across a beige background, which lessens the impact of those events, IMO. I think this is another aspect of lack of depth. Almost like reading the skeleton of a story. - "They technically outrank everyone" - Tense and narrative voice issue. This is present tense, and so lands with a clang. Narrative should be consistent. - "they were outside the command chain" - I....don't know what to do with this. How on earth does that work? They work for gods, but have no rank? I'm lost. Also, this guy is a solider, a commander: his discipline is shockingly bad. (page 12) - "can’t use much deadly force" - Similarly issue, I feel that this is a throw-away line about deadly force: can't use much, just a little bit of deadly force. It kind if undersell the concept of deadly force. - "she increased her Consumption of souls" - Again, don't not where this power is coming from, and it seem limitless, therefore is less engaging. - "Consuming souls for strength" - just this one? Also, number of souls are limited. How many does she consume at once? Lot of unknowns. (page 13) - "got out of" - How? This is what I'm talking about lack of style, or colour, of description. - "The enemy saw her and started shooting" - The enemy saw her before, because they were aiming at her. This is a continuity issue. Why did they not shoot her straight away, never mind calling a retreat? (page 14) - "to knock out the rest" - Said it before, this phrasing about knocking people out, at best it's unrealistic. If you smash someone in the head with a weapon or bludgeon, you are not going to be able to judge it precisely enough to cause a little unconsciousness, especially not when hitting multiple people, many people, by the sound of it. There's very grim stuff happening, but it's described in a kind of simplistic way that is not convincing, I'm afraid. I find it hard to be engaged by the combat. - "a little Mackie girl" - What is this? - "She tried to sound as unthreatening as possible" - I don't buy this. This hellish destroyer of souls goes all gooey-eyed over the first child she see? It feels really inconsistent. - "a middle-aged Mackie male" - What is this word? Well, I know what it is, it's a Scottish surname, pronounced 'mack-y'. Are you looking for the word that was the name of the French resistance in WW2? That's Maquis. - "She just healed" - Too easy, no stakes, no threat. Not interesting, or exciting. (page 15) - "Before she could ask what he meant" - But it's completely clear what he meant: they're just kids. What other way is there to interpret that? - "She ran to meet him" - It's the unevenness in tone. One second she's slaughtering people by the dozen, then she's mooning over a child then, giving up all poise and undermining her rough, tough image, she runs to meet a man (or male god). He some self-respect, for goodness sake. - "during my time off" - Still kind of weird, and unlikely. (page 16) - "nothing overly traitorous and we did kill a good portion of them" - I'm sorry, but there is a severe nativity about the deception of the situation on the ground here, the politics of oppression, rebellion and the like. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, but watch the news, if you can find any that isn't about COVID. Al Jazeera and Russia Today are good for reporting things happening in the rest of the world that Western stations never mention. Or, read back about real conflicts in our world. The situation in Syria, parts of Africa. real conflict is complicated, and it most certainly doesn't get wrapped up in a couple of days. Without plausibility there's so little weight or depth to this episode that I don't really get anything from it. - "They were prisoners" - I've got not time for her taking the morale high ground after slaughter dozens, or hundreds. Also, "Needed a few souls" - One person has one soul, so he'll need to kill quite a few more. (page 17) - "ran into M’s ship" - And nobody saw her with the door still open? Seems unlikely. - See, that's what I'm talking about with last lines of the chapter. This one does what the previous ones did not, it promises me that there is going to be investigating, intrigue, sneaking about, and almost certainly more conflict. Overall - Style: it's important. It's a tool that we should be using as writers to keep the reader engaged. With style comes authorial voice, which is important for building a reputation and a fanbase, for being known in the industry, or at least to being remembered, according to what I've heard, and gleaned from study. Do I remember you mentioning somewhere that this is your first novel? Style and voice are things that come with practice and experience, and more practice. Description, and how you play with imagery, the pictures you conjure in the reader's mind, is a significant part of voice, I would say. I feel that the description is lacking in what I've reader so far. - Character voice on the other hand is present. I think there's a tendency for some of the main characters to sound similar, but there is definitely a voice there. Not so much yet on the narrative side, I think. - My biggest problem remains the simplicity of it all. it all happens so easily for these people. Also, none of them are even remotely likeable, so I don't know why I would read on. Who am I supposed to care about and why? What is the goal? Here, at the end of Chapter 9, is the first real hint of some mystery that might carry the weight of the plot forward for any number of pages. Before that there is very little that promises any kind of longer arc, characters trying and failing and trying again. - Sorry to be downbeat, but I think this has a long way to go to be a novel that would be anywhere near being in a position to market professionally. Nonetheless, good luck with it. There is a lot of hard work involved in any novel, and any novel is a big learning experience. If it's not then I don't think we're going it right.

I mean, I haven't me the lady, but the comic timing in this comment was exquisite.

Yeah. I kind of glossed over that in my head. It's a good point. Maybe need a montage line. You know, something about the weather. 'The winds turned easterly, and the temperature....something. Leaves feel from the trees, or flowers bloomed, or something.' Just a line to highlight time passing.

See, I think this is just one example of where I picked up (subconsciously, I guess) the vibe that this was not a period piece. It's not that a medieval (my stopgap phrase) world would not know luxury, or the word luxurious, but I would not expect K to have luxuries, or any expectation of having them, which this seems to imply.

I will happily jump in and say the opposite . I thought the timing around the kiss was spot on. If she stays longer, there is the 'risk' her sudden shock will feel fake. I think that shock has to impact immediately or I'd be expecting her to stay and not run at all. Her running is more fun, IMO, because we don't get a chance to see J's reaction.

Oh, look, I'm on time. Don't get used to it (page 1) - "just began magic lessons today" - Okay, I don't think this came through all that clearly in the scene that I was moaning about last time. I felt she was going to help some guy improve his charms, or something, or to learn about charms, which were not central to her magic. I feel the rationale for that scene going in could be strengthened, played up more. That way, while it would still read like a big info dump, it would be justified, since that's kind of what education is, sort of (Don't hurt me ). (page 2) - "The unicorn was larger than life" - LOL. Something about this line makes me chuckle. A unicorn larger than life, surely not? - "is making up for the last time he marched through" - He's never going to make up for that time, and I don't think he is naive enough to try, or to think that a royal visit will 'make up for; invading. I'd suggest rephrasing this in the sense that he's trying to reduce/change/mitigate/overwrite the memory of the last time he marched through, to change the mood, not make amends in any way. (page 3) - "putting a hand on her shoulder" - I expected her to react to this, but she's caught up in the pangs. She reacted next to sitting beside him, but not to actual contact. Then again, her being away so long is a stronger emotion, I get that. I thought this was an opportunity for another line, a reaction to the personal angle, but maybe that would distract too much from her main emotion. Still, it would be neat to see just a flicker of acknowledgment, maybe. (page 4) - I enjoy the happiness of the restaurant reunion, after the darkness of recent events, and as a prelude to Ir leaving the city. - "There was a minuscule chance any of them ever would" - Why is that? I don't agree. Not everyone is as reticent about travelling as Ir. In fact, hospitality workers are prone to travelling quite a bit, I think. Or maybe it's the converse that it true: people who travel a lot tend to work in hospitality. (page 6) - "on the dance floor. Letting the beat take control" - (a) I tend to doubt that the restaurant has a specific dance floor, as that would be a huge waste of space when restaurants are about getting as many tables in as possible. The reality, surely, is that an area of the floor (just general floor) has been cleared to permit dancing; (b) this strikes me as a very modern phrase, and not at all poetic, compared to something let 'let the beat whisk her away (free cooking allusion with every comment ). - "fragranced by feast and flowers" - Not a verb!! (page 8) - "They wouldn’t have understood this" - This seems a bit over the top to me. Sue understood the value of family very well, surely, at least before she was a rebel? And does Sue have a job? Maybe that is what she would not understand, but I don't think that's clear here. Sue must have had friends, surely? - "pulled on the rope they both still held" - I really thought he was pulling her in for a kiss at this point. I really did. - "she dropped the robe" - Typo: that's whollllllle other scene . Overall I thought this was a good, strong chapter. The ending is starting to pay off on my romantic aspirations for these two, which is very satisfying. I thought the moment they shared was very sweet, and handled with the right balance of uncertainty and brashness on Ir's part. I really did think that J was pulling her in for a kiss when he pulled on the rope, but that worked as a good tease in the end: will they, won't they? Yes, that worked well.

Oops. No, never. I've never found anything here in seven years that wasn't worth critiquing. I've read things that I found I had to stop critiquing because I had too many issues with it. This is neither of those I really think that's it. If there were a few more hints. Just spitballing, but: maybe they get water from a well; maybe there are stocks in the square (that's a bit niche); reference to a tavern usually does it (cliche alert!) - I don't mean in the sense of people gathering their, but it being as broken down as everything else, but just being there. I'm tempted to skim the story again to offer more comment on this perception of mine. Oh, and forgot to email the LDL file. Sent now.

I didn't read this as an 'old' civilisation or period piece, I just read that society and technology had broken down. There was a reference to a sword, but that threw me totally, because I was thinking post-apocalypse. That's true, you did say that in the comments. In that case, I struggle with some of the reference. Where do they get tranquillisers from, that they can make themselves, in pill word. So, the sword...was that an actual sword, is that the level of technology that we're talking about? I did not get any real sense that this was set in a medieval-type setting. I think the point is that we need to see that on the page, we need to have it communicated through the writing, perhaps by more description of clothing, barons or other rulers, some of the trapping of period settings, I did really get much sense of that. For example, there is mentioned of his robe, and that could be an 'in' to mentioning other elements of period clothing, but I don't feel that aspect of setting or world building was built upon enough for me to appreciate the period aspect. I don't think the tone was a bad thing. Presumably you were going for that bleak tone? I think it is a really well-done aspect of the chapter. I would urge you not to tone it down, I think it's one of the piece's really strengths. But it's up to you of course, you need to stick with, or go for the tone that you want, that you intended. I think the way to counterbalance the bleak tone is through character development. K is a really mopey character, but N seems more optimistic, sensitive. Improving the dialogue and character voice would give the reader something to take them out of the bleakness of the setting. No really, drag her out of the forest or they will set the world on fire. c/f California, Australia, etc. Another good point. I should have played up the, um, level of her injuries. Yup. I thought of that when reading then forgot to mention it. - "as if the earth had never been obstructed" - is the word not 'disturbed'? He wants to disguise the fact that the ground has been dug up, typically, that's talked about in terms of disturbing the surface.

Welcome again to the group, @karamel. I'm always excited to read a new author, so without further ado... (page 1) - My M.O. in these things is that I am pretty much incapable of critiquing something without doing LBLs (line-by-line comments) on drafting issues. Some people find this useful, some probably don't. I can be persuaded not to do it, but it helps my maintain momentum in critiquing if I don't feel that I'm leaving issues un-flagged. I won't put all the details on the thread here, so I'll email you back a marked up file. I hope you don't mind. Please know that it's not personal: I'm a frustrated proofreader/editor, essentially, with a powerful conviction that there are rights and wrongs, dos and don'ts in writing that make our stuff better if we apply them. - "stubbornness succeeds over logic" - Not always, sometimes maybe. I wouldn't accept this as a general rule, personally. - "and ordure was still lingering in the hazy air" - (a) Ha-ha. I used the word 'ordure' about 6 months ago, and some folks found it obscure. I think I did change it, because in the end, I want the maximum number of people to know what I'm talking about. I'll be interested to see what reaction you get to this ; (b) 'was still lingering' is pretty powerfully passive phrasing. The more words you can take out of a piece the clearer it will be. Also, the more direct your prose, the more engaging it will be. Here, I'd say 'the heavy stench (etc.)...lingered in the hazy air'. - "giving a whole village back to the earth" - I'm enjoying your style. It is adult, IMO; doesn't shy away from using adult words (like ordure ), and carries an evocative turn of phrase every few lines. - Overwriting: I've included examples in the LBL file, but I feel there are several examples where lines are over-written, just too many words. Keeping thoughts short and clear has maximum impact. A village is a 'little' settlement, you don't need to say 'little village'. Or, if the village is in fact a hamlet, say hamlet. I should add that I do this too all the time. Why use five words, when fifteen will do? I'm constantly hacking away at my own stuff. - "The small sun faded houses" - This is a compound adjective, needs to be hyphenated, IMO. Also, sun-faded is a bit...off, I think. Deterioration of external decoration is rare down to only once force. I think in the case of wooden boards, 'weathered' is a more apposite term, which includes the action of the sun, but also of the rain, wind, etc. - Okay, after one page...I've got a clear sense of setting; I've got an idea of the situation, enough to be going on with anyway; and I've got an inkling of character. I don't really have any motivation yet, but personally I'm happy to soak up the bleak atmosphere for a page before we get to the stuff that engages me in some kind of story/arc/character motivation. (page 2) - "other buildings in the town" - Continuity issue: it was cited as a 'little village before. These things need to be consistent, obvs. - "anticipating the weight of the stone to steal his last breath" - Now, I'd assumed the houses were wooden construction because of the bit about sun-fading. I'm not sure that the sun fades stone. I'd say it's more likely stone would get darker due to the dirt and maybe smoke that gets flung at it / pasted to it, maybe some moss/lichen, etc. - "A shameful way to go truthfully" - What's shameful about it? He's recovering and burning bodies. That would be seen as noble by some (although I suspect his motives are not completely altruistic). - "He probably should have felt more" - Vagueness: cut out vague language. It sounds...vague. The reader wants engagement, and engagement comes from clarity and certainty. Words like 'maybe, perhaps, probably' are death to engagement. Yes, there will be times when they are needed, but the less they appear, the more effective and meaning they will be when you really need them. - "A disgraceful death" - What on earth is disgraceful about being killed by a bear? That's just nature. Some might say that it was careless, but I don't see that there's anything disgraceful about it. - "though a touch less reassuring" - I don't understand how something can be comforting, but not reassuring? How are those two things different? - So, I guess I'm kind of on dialogue alert. Honestly, the dialogue on this page is okay, IMO. Maybe a smidge wordy in places, but I don't hate it at all. Gives the a start of an idea of the relationship these two have. The last paragraph is awkward. Seems like K speak, but then K speaks again in the next paragraph, unless it's N speaking? Unclear. (page 3) - Okay, so can we talk about POV. I take it 3rd person omniscient (or, 3rd person omnipotent, as I find myself calling it half the time ) is what you are going for? I'm fine with that. Don't really like it as a rule, but I'll read it. - "The sun is setting" - Okay, CLANG. This is off. It's maid-and-butler. In other words, they can both see the sun is setting. There is no reason for N to say this, none at all. He only says it to convey the fact to the reader, and that's a no-no. There are other ways to do it. I'm not saying he can't say something to convey the fact, but he can't just come out a say it like this: 'I think if you look to the horizon, K, you will see that the sun is going down, and you know what that means, don't you?' - "People die every day..." - Yeah, I find this quite stilted. It's not awful, it just sounds he's reading it from a script. - "Death is almost always in vain" - I think the problem is not even so much with the characters' delivery of the words, it's that the words themselves are really ponderous and philosophical. It sounds like a stage play, and not a particularly good one, if I'm honest. Maybe a couple of philosophers would talk this way, but a couple of Joes at the end of the world...I don't buy it. (page 4) - "was spread throughout the town" - So, this is definitely not a village, it's a town. These are different things. - "could be brimming with livestock" - Whoa, it's way too late to be thinking about roundup and slaughtering livestock if it's dusk. - "to try to hunt and gather anything that was edible" - This is flat out crazy. They've had all day to do this and they start when it gets dark? And they're worried about bears? Nuts, plains nuts. (That's a hunter-gatherer joke, BTW ). My point is, these characters have been surviving for days, weeks, months on their own? They did not do that by going H/G in the dark. I'm not meaning to go off on a huge rant (it just happens naturally), but a much underrated aspect of the stories and narratives that we all write is logic. Sometimes we, and I mean everyone (certainly me), write things that we want to write because we want things to happen in a certain way, but sometimes that way does not make any logical sense. That's were critiquers come in, of course - "tall red oaks" - Huh. Hey, @kais, can I get a tree consultation in Aisle Three, please? Do oaks leaves turn red before they fall? Oh, no wait, I just Ecosia'd images of fall oaks, forget I said anything. - "While N ran ahead to scout for animals" - Okay, I'm a desk-jockey city boy, but even I know that there is only one way to truly guarantee finding no animals whatever and having absolutely zero chance of catching any kind of prey: (1) go hunting at night; (2) run through the forest making all the noise; (3) have no visible means of actually catching anything that is sold old and lame and deaf and blind that it can't get out of your way; and (4) not be able to see where you are going. - "expansive maze of wood sentinels" - Okay, this is really tortured as a metaphor. Does this mean 'tree'? Sometimes a tree is just a tree, yeah? (page 5) - You've completely lost me. What is all this sword and brush stuff? Is there are sword? A brush? I don't understand. Clarity is a really important thing in writing. That don't mean we can't go a poetic from time to time, but the reader has to understand what we're talking about. Also, here seems as good a point as any to note that I don't really feel any engagement with either of these characters. What are their motivations? Just to survive? Just top make a home together? Are they a couple? Just friends? I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm not sure why I want to read an entire book about these two guys who don't seem to know what they're doing. - "burying dozens of corpses" - Why? What is K's motivation? - "A figure, crawling— no, struggling on the forest floor" - How are crawling and struggling different? - "K and N stood and watched" - I thought N was up a tree. - "looked up to meet eyes" - IMO, you can meet someones eyes, but you don't meet eyes with them. Not a phrase I have ever heard. Oh, and "looking at in the distance" - Continuity issue. The person was said to be in the distance. That phrase evokes hundreds of metres. They can't meet gazes over that sort of distance. There's a disconnect here in terms of distance. - "but that hardly sounds valiant" - Why is being valiant important, or even relevant? (page 6) - "testing the waters ahead of him" - But......there are no waters, they're in a forrest. Clarity, first among all things. - "K closed the gap between them" - You've really got to tidy up the blocking in this scene (the relationship of things in the scene relative to each other). You can't have a person in the distance, meeting gazes and someone closing the distance in, what, a handful of strides? These things don't add up. - "My home was attacked. Ambushed." - Okay, I know this is dialogue, and characters are allowed to say things that are kind of...not right. In an ambush, the ambusher lies in wait for the ambushee, who by convention is moving from A to B. I don't see that you can ambush a house, unless it's on the back of a lorry, sorry, truck. (page 7) - "not believe the things I have seen" - Mmm. On the dialogue front, I think this sidles up to cliche, slaps it on the back then steps away again. 'I've seen grammar you people wouldn't believe. Infinitives split off the shoulder of Orion...etc. All those words will be lost in time... like verbs in rain... - "I am keen to have an open mind these days" - Consistency of tone/convincing dialogue: this woman is dehydrated, she can barely speak, she is NOT going to construction complex sentences and use nice grammar. Dialogue is a tiny bit like acting, I imagine, in that the best dialogue comes from a place where the writer tries to inhabit the characters situation, viewpoint and state of mind. Different characters need to speak in different ways. You're a Star Wars fan, right? Watch back a few minutes of A New Hope, scenes with Ben Kenobi, Luke and Han, and then with Leia included later on. Study how they speak to one another. They have clear personalities: wise one; joker; bossy-boots/voice of reason; stroppy teenager. Here, there is a tendency for the characters to talk in the same mode. Okay, they seem to be similar age, similar education level, similar social level, etc. (Although I thought K was significantly older. He does not talk like a young man, IMO.) - "the brightness gone from her" - Well, she was dead at the time, and this is the thing woman notices, when the wife was just buried? This is not convincing, to me. - "departed from the living world" - I know I've said this already, but I think it's highly unlikely that any of them would speak in this melodramatic way, never mind all of them. (page 8) - I'm not convinced by the woman's urge to die, BUT, having said that, the dialogue around it is better than other parts. Short sentences, quick responses, emotional resistance. It's more convincing, IMO. - "There is not much that separates us" - Hmm. I would have to disagree with her quite strenuously on this point. - "I’ll help you" - I don't buy this. There was almost no morale tussle within him, no emotional battle in his internal narrative. He accepts this way too easily. I think it comes back to character, and the fact that I am not really engaged by either K or N as characters with depth. They look off to the horizon in a moody way, but that is not enough, for me. I need to know more about what they are thinking and why. (page 10) - This page of the enacting of the deed itself was certainly well written, IMO. I whipped through it, felt the unspoken anguish within him, recognised his competence in the deed itself. I thought that was well done. (page 11) - "the people in the village" - Need to sort out this discrepancy between village and town, it's one or the other. - I'm going to presume that you don't live in an area at risk of forest fires? This is exactly how vast swathes of forest are wiped out. Starting a fire on the forest floor where clearly there are suitable quantities of dry material. (page 12) - "The smell of the burning flesh" - Now, this should be past tense, because it was stated that they waited until the fire burned out. - The end is really drawn out for me. They've been talking about this the whole time, but it's still used to draw a line under the chapter. It lacks the kind of impact that I want to pull me into the next chapter. Overall - There's some good writing here. There's a brooding and desperate kind of tone that feels right for the subject matter, but I am just not engaged by the characters enough that I would eagerly dive into the next chapter. - Plausibility is another issue for me. There are actions and behaviour that I think are not really plausible or logical. One or two, but they threw my when they came up. - Another thing I'm puzzled at. Where was the attempt at self harm, oh and, there was an actual murder, or assisted suicide!! I would urge you to be a bit more precise with the tags. It doesn't bother me, but others might have trouble with it. - The dialogue: I thought some of it was okay, but some of it was just not at all convincing for how people would speak in that situation, I reckon. Very dispassionate, emotionless. Brooding is all very well, but I can become dull really quickly, and does not help with the character development. I made some detailed points about some of the issues I had with the dialogue, but it is possible to learn that stuff. Not everyone likes Joss Whedon, or Aaron Sorkin, but they can scorch with dialogue. I would take the time to seek out discussion on that sort go thing, or take notes on your favourite movies and TV< and how they handle dialogue. It doesn't need to have deep meaning, not everything that people say does. In fact, very little that people say is powerfully, or analytical. Most of the time they are just hungry, tired, grouchy, etc. - The usual grammar, word choice, etc. sort of drafting issue, but that's hardly unusual. - Thanks for subbing. not withstanding what I said above, I certainly would read the next sub, but I would be looking for more in the areas that I've mentioned. What's the plot? What drives these characters? Why are they together? What's happening in the world? I need the next chapter to move these elements forward.

Stephen King's On Writing is mentioned a lot. (Although some hack called Bill Tracy () said "A little too much biography, not quite enough "on writing."" Looking at King's Goodread's page, I can see that might be the case.) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10569.On_Writing?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=paQSPj3Tln&rank=1 Then there's Ursula K. LeGuin's Steering the Craft, which again is cited a lot as a go-to text. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/68024.Steering_the_Craft Can't say I've read either. Just never enough time.

Why? It certainly didn't when I watched them about 5/6 years ago.

Awesome. I haven't read the spoiler, as I am presently reading Battle Ground, and probably will be another few days at it (not a fast reader). I will consider some particular abilities to choose.

Okay, skimming just to keep pace with events. Chapter 27 - great first line. - "taking off" - makes the bird sound like an aircraft, IMO. Taking flight would be more natural, and poetic. - "end of the contact" - typo: contract, presumably. - "She could see both halves, like two sides of the same coin" - two halves of what, the palace? Two sides of the same coin verges on cliche. This is prime example of low-hanging fruit, IMO, You could have something that adds to the colour of the local vernacular, I dunno, 'two nuts from the same shell', 'two sides of the same leaf'. - Love the description of the room. - "Despite the many numerous couches" - tautology: delete one. - In fact, "Despite the many numerous couches, cushions, and more" - This is so cluttered! (The sentence, not the room.) - "Thick, soft clouds punctured by beams of morning sunlight that lit the city" - missing word, otherwise it sounds like the clouds lit the city, which seems unlikely. - "sat across from him slowly" - Primacy and recency: put the important bit at the end of the sentence. So here, I'd do 'slowly sat across from him'. - "Her eyebrows raised" - rose, IMO. I think this tense sounds wrong with 'raised'. To me, raise is an action performed on another object. Her hand raised the fan to her face. In her hand, the fan rose to her face. - "She raised her hands" - awkward, she just slapped her forehead. Too many hand gestures make it sound like she's flapping all over the place, IMO. - "Why are names so important?" - I feel like this question is kind of sold short. She knows the answer, she caught an assassin, that is worth a huge amount! The knowing of names clearly is important, and she has experienced what that is. I think this question needs to be reframed a bit, to acknowledge what she has experienced in the recent past. - "caused her chin to rise" - here, this is the same sense as earlier, I think, where 'raise' was used, and I suggested 'rose'. In the approach of the earlier instance, this might have been 'caused her chin to 'raise', and I would have commented on that too. - "I have been the target of more than two hundred assassination attempts in almost ten years" - 1.75 per month still seems like a lot to me, but ho hum. - I really do enjoy this encounter. I like how it's reading now, not that I didn't before - I still don't like the phrase 'national security' which still rings modern to me. Even 'state security' or maybe 'the monarchy's security' would be better, IMO. - Good ending to the chapter. She has gone through it, had questions answered, and gained new questions. That's still a solid arc to me. Chapter 28 - "accepting the offered shell" - How can J see the shell? I thought his 'blindness' was worse than that. - "Did he…was he feeling the same as she was?" - Good chat back and forth here. I'm not sure at this point whether she has accepted in her internal monologue how she feels about him? - The end of this section feels repetitive. I've made a few suggestions in an LBL file I'll email you, and one of them is an ending to this section that I think is a bit more end-y. I think you want to leave the reader on a note about something other than food. Food doesn't resonate enough to end a section, now, I think, because it is so ubiquitous throughout the whole story. It's like 'Oh, another reference to food, how unsurprising.' - "so many of us are too tired to riot" - But it's not just about fatigue, surely? I think this thought could be more powerful in its expression of the collective mood of the people. - "stared at her knife before cutting through a loaf of bread" - Surely she would not use her own knife to cut the bread. Do they not have a bread knife? - The use of 'outed' really jarred with me as a modern expression I don't see that it adds anything, and rather detracts from the fantasy setting. - "thinking of J" - Good. Good building on the romantic arc. And good for her to acknowledge the barriers in the way of the relationship. Barriers are necessary so they can be overcome, and love can triumph. - "Does n/k have any age limits?" - Something really disorient me at the start of this new section. Somehow the description works against what the narrative is trying to tell me (maybe?) and I can't quite grasp the situation. It might be because we don't get bedded in the scene before we're wicked away to what happened before the scene started. - All these words starting with 'charm--' are charmchuffing annoying . - "this wasn’t an alloy like the iron used for her knives" - Iron is not an alloy, it's the base element. Steel is an alloy of iron. - "The iron itself had never once actually changed temperature" - ROFL, is was totally going to pounce on this, but the next part of the sentence anticipated my attack - All this stuff with the charm master--I can't remember--is any of it relevant to this story? I don't remember it having any relevance in this book, in which case, I'd recommend cutting it. it feels like a darling to me: I fear it must be put to the sword. Whatever the case, I find it quite boring to read, personally. I'm skimming after the first or second sentence. - I'm super-disoriented at the switch in scenes from the charmdude to her standing in the street. - "I have missed you" - What?! Ow!! Totally got whiplash with the speed of the cut into the last scene. It's so short. The really does not work for me at all. There's not time to get oriented in the mindset of being in a different place with different people and then the scene is finished. I don't like that at all. You're welcome Overall First chapter really good: tense, informative, intriguing, stimulating. Second chapter: I thought the first scene with J was excellent. The second one with the family, pretty good, drives home the rift among them, which is good. Third scene: Gotta say I was totally turned off. Didn't seem to have any relevance to what was happening. Forth scene: Huh? How did we get here? What's happening? Oh, end of scene. Fifth scene: why? Not a satisfying way to finish a chapter, IMO. Not saying it's impossible to end with a scene that lasts for seven lines, but it better be really good. This one did not hit the mark for me.

The short answer, I think, is yes. It's no less horrible what he does, but at least he acknowledges that it is a person he is using. I'm put in mind of Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Clearly, Gruber has a complete disregard for (most) human life, but he does still acknowledge his hostages as people. For that matter, he also faces setbacks, even when his plot is moving forward. And then, well...Spoiler!! I think his apology also fits nicely with his jokey tone, so good job with that. I note what @Silk said about not being aware of the surroundings and impact of the fight on the environment, and I had that same reaction, which I think I mentioned at one point. I think it can massively improve a fight scene just to note a little bit of setting, and handful of words. E.g. Q kicked X off the roof, watching her rip through colourful canopies and awnings on her way to the ground.' Dropping in a visual reference just helps to keep the reader tethered in reality while they read about 'unreal' things, makes those unreal thing resonate more with the reader, IMO.

Good point, and I gather that you've made Q more at risk in the earlier chapters, which I think certainly would help my perception. When you have him being cocky and self-righteous, then almost getting cut in half by a plasma gun that kind of undermines his egotism, which is good. When I make changes based on critique, I tend to make the smallest (meaningful) change I can so as not to break the original idea I had, but hopefully address the reaction.

Flame on! - Fantastic Four was the first comic I started buying waaaaaay back in the...late 70's. Human Torch/Johnny Storm (always Chris Evans for me) was my favourite character. Magneto - Because, of course!! Harry Dresden - for the simplicity of the system, while remaining coherent, IMO. Not overthought. Does what it needs to to serve the story.

This would be my concern. For me, if you put Azathoth in the story, there's a good chance it will distract the reader, and make them think it's a story about Azathoth. Az will have more weight than anything in your story in terms of history, fictional gravitas, etc. I think it could be a huge distraction for the reader, when you want them to be concentrating on your story and your characters. Example: Imagine I'm writing a space opera, and I have a colourful crew of n'erdowells pootling around my universe. They go from planet Urdoglf to planet Dddanan, then they get a message that there's a new job for them on Tatooine. it has no important part in the story, but just dropping that name in evokes all the readers memories and associations with Star Wars, and their brain goes flying off in a different direction. That's my 10c Edit: on the other hand, it occurs to me that if there are other pop culture references, and if the reference to Azathoth is a knowing one, I guess it can work. All down to the tone of the piece, I suppose.