kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

thanks everybody i feel much better today, and i hope you're all doing well too thank you for all the kind words!!!

thanks wiz

hi. it’s me. this one’s kind of a lot, so… fair warning. i’ve been in a really good mood most of this week, but for some reason as soon as i get home, it kind of just… crashes. i don’t know why. i was fine at school and great at rehearsal—probably better than i’ve been in a really long time. but as soon as i got home… my brain just kind of switches, and for some reason, it’s just harder to be happy at home. a lot of the time, it feels like i’m falling back into old habits. for context, i’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a few years now, and around 2022/23 it got so bad i turned to c*tting as a coping mechanism, stopped eating much, then would overeat, i overworked myself, and most nights i slept on the floor just because i didn’t feel worthy enough to sleep in the bed with my little sister—and because i was afraid to get bl00d on the sheets from SH, because then people would know. besides, she was too pure, and i didn’t want the darkness and pain inside me to somehow infect her. that lasted for a couple of months. i wasn’t happy at school, and it was worse at home, i was having frequent panic attacks and mood swings, and eventually suicidal thoughts. i couldn’t get myself out of the constant fight or flight mode that school’s put me in—and even today i still can’t seem to switch that off. i’ve been clean for almost two years, but lately i’ve been thinking a lot about it, and while i haven’t acted on it, it’s incredibly disheartening to me when it comes up, and i’m always tempted a little more each time. i almost did the other day, but i reminded myself i had to stay clean because i’d quit on my little brother’s birthday. i’ve felt really alone lately, but i don’t know why, because i’ve been surrounded by so many incredible people who i know care about me. i feel like i don’t have the right to feel this way. it gets the worst when i’m at home. at school, i can usually ignore it because i’m too focused on getting assignments done and getting perfect grades and just generally being “perfect”. for most of my life, i’ve struggled with not feeling “good enough”. when we moved into our current house, the previous homeowners had left a vinyl sticker on the mirror in what is now my bathroom that says “i am worthy”. the first time i saw it, i literally burst into tears and couldn’t stop for a long time. i’ve also been struggling with my body image lately. i’m not gonna get into details, but basically i’ve just felt weird and out of place in my own skin, and i always find something to compare myself to. i don’t eat very much. i used to see a therapist, but we couldn’t really afford the price, and i stopped seeing her a while ago. last summer, i think. i won’t know why that’s important. anyway. basically i’m just feeling not good today since i’ve been home. feeling really self-conscious and very alone, not feeling grounded. almost burst into tears when i was doing the dishes earlier and when my cat came found me lying in bed because i didn’t have the energy to go watch Prison Break with my mom and little sister. i know this probably isn’t cohesive at all, so i apologize. i just had to put these words down somewhere, and i didn’t want to put it all down on my profile cuz i don’t want that to start again (iykyk). anyway. thanks for reading this.

hehehehehe glass i actually LIVE for your commentary like it's the best

section six

bless Bella's soul indeed

thank you! i'm so glad it's getting across how i want it to lol. i feel like it's messy, but that's probably because i haven't done any editing nasty cliffhanger huh? heh episode five is done! please remember that these aren't at all edited T~T

here's the next installment! this one's pretty short but i'm already working on five this one's pretty heavy so fair warning

i know :(( people can be so meannnn

i know : (

yeah she was very different don't worry it'll get better it gets worse first but then it gets better

I KNOW I NEEDED A PLACEHOLDER WHILE I FIGURE A DIFFERENT ONE OUT thanks i actually hate zack so much like

hello my dear humans! for context, i've had this character for a few years now, and my subconscious mind has very conveniently been working on her backstory for that time (as well as my conscious mind lol), but i've never really taken the time to write until roughly this past week. it's not edited yet, but i'm excited for people to read it and give feedback. i'll continue to update as i write more installments! thanks for taking the time to check this out. here are the first several installments of Kiesha Ebersol's tragedy oh and here's a playlist i've made for Kiesha in case you're into that kind of thing