kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

current favorite vocal stim 

like i cannot stop singing that

it scratches all the brain itches

also, my old director and assistant director were over last night to hang out and we were listening to/singing along to hadestown and the assistant director said i’d be a great Hermes which made me really happy and then my old director said i’d be a really great Eurydice and i was like and my heart just felt like it was going to burst

scud ok

the funeral was really really good 

probably the best funeral i’ve ever been to actually

it was short and sweet and to the point and there was so much beautiful music

was i sobbing the whole time? yeah

do i feel better now? …yeah, i do

there were some religious parts and i haven’t been to church for like three years and i just had so much peace

the church we went to was beautiful

there were stained glass windows and the chapel was so wide open and the colorful light just streamed in…

and scud when they brought the casket down the aisle there was a lady singing and all the family members like put their hand to the casket to say goodbye and her grandpa kissed the casket and i was just bawling

it’s so so sad

my old director got asked to sing so he sang two songs, both picked out by her family (he also played the piano for all the songs)

he sang Golden Hour by JVKE and at the end instead of saying “the love of my life”, he said “the love of our lives” and that just hit so hard

and then he sang Godspeed by Frank Ocean at the end when they took her away, and then he transitioned it into an instrumental of Amazing Grace, which kind of killed us all

some friends of hers also sang Be Still My Soul and another song about God receiving her soul and her standing before him in heaven and it was just so so so beautiful

her sisters both spoke, and then the pastor led the rest of it and read some scripture and said prayers and stuff

it was a lot and i had a headache from staying quiet while i was crying but at the end i could kind of do what i needed while i hugged my friends and my director (he gives the bestest hugs i swear)

and then there was a luncheon which was really nice and the food was so good i think it healed my soul a little lol

and then we came home and i decided to just let myself breatge and kind of do whatever so i did a hermes inspired makeup look

i miss her a lot, but i think i’m going to be okay. grief isn’t linear, but i think i’m doing a lot better. the funeral was really healing. 

i’ll probably visit the memorial whenever i can, too. 

summer’s almost here! 20 days of school left…

i havent cried this hard/this much in a long, long time

maybe ever

another crash just happened

 the car is completely destroyed

 hoping and praying it’s not somebody i know, even though that’s selfish

we’re singing our ballad at the visitation since she was in our group. wish us luck because uh

well, you know

not my freaking school making me freaking cry in front of everybody

they have our show choir show playing and the ballad was going in our smaller cafeteria and we saw her and i just 

i just

i can’t believe she’s really gone.

districts went surprisingly well yesterday. all three of our competing choirs got the highest grade possible

our top group sang a song that was about believing even when you can’t see it

so like

the first verse was believing in the sun even when it doesn’t shine

the second one was believing in love even when you don’t feel it

and the third was believing in god even when it doesn’t feel like he’s there

as you can probably guess we were all in absolute tears during that one

and then our a cappella group sang “the end of love” (originally by Florence + The Machine but the arrangement was by the Nor’easters)

so yeah

c-c-carpal…. t-t-t-tunnel…

they just posted an obituary and visitation/funeral times. i’ll probably go to both. it was so fast and yet somehow i feel like it’s been years all at the same time.

it’s so weird. 

i also hoped i’d be able to see her face one last time at the viewing, even though dead people don’t usually look like themselves, but it’s closed-casket. so…

i think it’ll be good to go be there, though. 

on a lighter note, we have districts for choir today. we’re not expecting anything great due to everything, but you never know. wish us a little luck lol

how are you all today?

hahaha my rep title is so fitting 

one of the teachers at my school put out a slideshow for us to write stories about my friend or just share thoughts/pictures and grieve together. i finally got to write out what's been on my mind, and it feels good.

i have choir next block. tears will most likely be shed. wish me luck.

also, completely unrelated, david wimbish and the collection is like if sleeping at last and noah kahan somehow concieved a child who also grew up to be a singer. my favorite song by them is Sing of the Moon, followed by The Listener. their entire Listener album is good.

i stayed home from school today. a lot of my friends went but left halfway through because it was too much. my guy friend came over at like 11:30 and stayed for about six hours, and then we drove over to my friend’s house to meet up with some of the rest of our friend group. we walked over to hy-vee and bought flowers, then went down to the crash site where her nuclear friend group had set up a memorial with her name in bright pink letters. there were stuffed bunnies (bunnies were her favorite) and dozens upon dozens of bouquets, and a few solar lights. the store was literally almost clean out of flowers. 

there were a lot of people there. we stayed for about an hour. my old director was there, her best friend came, a bunch of day care kids came. it’s so surreal and so so sad. 

we were sitting among the littered shards of glass from her car. 

we walked over pieces of her car on the crosswalk. 

i think we were all waiting for her to pop out of the trees and laugh and say “jk! happy late april fools! i got you guys good!”

the crash happened 24 hours ago. there are over four news articles about her. 

i just keep waiting to wake up.

edit: i’d like to thank @Bird Furious for all her support through this. she’s my bestie for a reason love you girl. thanks for everything

hey guys

probably won’t be very active for the next couple of days.

a friend of mine just passed away a few hours after a horrific car crash. someone in a truck was going incredibly fast and ran a red light. they T-boned into her driver’s seat of the car and got off with “leg pain”.

and she’s dead.

she was supposed to be in show choir with me again next year. we’ve been in the same groups for the past three years. she was driving to our start-of-the-season meeting and was in sight of the school.

it doesn’t feel real at all, and i’m trying to process. i’ll be fine. i wasn’t very close with her, but i’ve always loved her so much. she was a really, really kind, sweet girl. please pray for her family and friends if you can. thanks guys.

i have a headacheeeeeee

my stomach kinda hurts and i almost passed out a second ago

my vision like totally blacked out and my knees got all weak lol and i like crouched down to stop it 

so now i'm drinking a lot of water

i just got all my homework done  i had like four things for chem, three for history, and a few for english and i was like "i gotta lock in today" 

AND I DID SO NOW I GET TO GO HOME AND HAVE FREE TIME

also my bracelets are really loud against this desk lol

school gets out in ten minutessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

i should work on kiesha :3 

i'm tryna tack on some extra length cuz i feel like a lot of it goes by really fast and some stuff at the beginning doesn't really make sense but it's turning out decent so far

i think i'm actually done editing and adding to the first one so if any of you are interested in rereading that first section now that it's edited lmk and i'll see if i can't put it up on here...

i wanna get a lot of writing done today

maybe i'll sit on the porch

it's supposed to be really nice weather

ALSO LUNCH WAS NACHOS

I LOVE SCHOOL NACHOS

they were out of sour cream unfortunately BUT THEY STILL HAD SALSA SO IT WAS OK

anyway

i'm feeling good today

lowkey might go for a walk or smth

how are y'all?

good morning humans

im wearing contacts and i forgot how trippy it is to be able to see without glasses on my face

im in a surprisingly good mood today

also

i promise i know grammar

i just don’t use it on these things anymore lol

i thought we were having a free day in choir but nope we’re just learning our concert order

idk why i thought we’d have a free day lol we have districts on thursday 

BUT ALSO THE CHAIRS WEREN’T ON THE RISERS SO IT’S NOT MY FAULT

anyway

HATTY DIRTDAY

MAY YOUR DAY BE MERRY AND BRIGHT

boredom + kajsa + pen + access to pinterest =

I KNOW IT’S CROOKED OK

guys i need to figure out how to take in this jacket because it would look so so so so so so so so so so so so so good with my pirate fit  

g-guys—

why

 what SU is this from

hello humans

good morning

i dont really have much of a life update except that my mental health has been really really good lately  

i hope you all are doing well!

as for tlt… i might be leaving that alone until summer break

not sure yet tho

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 *aggressively tackle hugs*

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i’m tired and i wanna go home

 it’s weird how one thing can change your whole day around

 i was having a great time

 and then smth happened and i’m really upset

 maybe inproportionally but idk so anyway

 i wanna go back to sleep

wellllpppp break ends tomorrow

 not super happy about that but it’s fine

 we only have like a month and 10 days left before school’s over! that means forty days, which is roughly six weeks. if there are 5 days of school every week, then we only have 30 school days left :DDDD i’m pumped for summer. i feel like it’s gonna be a good time

i wasn’t looking forward to it last year, and it was fine, but i sat on my phone a lot and kind of wasted away on the couch for like 90% of the summer. i wanna do better this year

i wanna write, i wanna work out, i wanna go to ren faires, i wanna drive around with my friends, i wanna live 

so i’m excited. i feel like it’s gonna be good. 

on another note, i started building steve’s lava chicken in minecraft. iykyk  i’ll probably finish it after my chores are done

good morning humans 

yesterday i finished my ren faire fit (save for a pirate pistol that my brother is gonna 3D print for me)

it honestly looks so good and i’m so happy with it

i basically thrifted, upcycled, or made everything save for the corset, the base of the hat, and the belts and skirt hikes, which all came from amazon, and then the boots are my mom’s and she’s had them for years and years and years

on thursday, i made the nails and dyed the dark skirt

here are the nails

i made the net piece on wednesday

tuesday was thrifting

oh and most of the jewelry is my great grandma’s old stuff except the rings and the seashell necklace, which i made when i made the beaded belt and bedazzled my hat

and now, without further ado, i present to you Captain Kajsa

i need to figure out a situation for the boot laces because they’re WAY TOO LONG

honestly this cosplay was the definition of trust the process because when i tell you i was putting everything on and panicking because it didn’t look right

and then i accessorized

AND TELL ME WHY THE HAT COMPLETELY PULLED EVERYTHING TOGETHER

THE LACE BORDER WITH THE LACE COLLAR ON MY SHIRT AND THE LACE SKIRT

THE PEACOCK FEATHER WITH THE DARK GREEN SKIRT

THE SEASHELLS WITH THE SEASHELLS ON THE NET AND THE SEASHELL NECKLACE

THE NETTING ACCENT WITH THE NET SKIRT 

EVEN THE NAILS WERE COHESIVE

speaking of which, these ones were supposed to be a map

and then i put this bracelet on. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. HOW.

anyway i’m rlly rlly happy with how it all turned out and i’ll gladly geek out if any of you have questions or anything eheheheheheeeeeeeeee :3

*elated wheezing*

@The cheeseman @Bird Furious @Through The Living Glass @Cash67 @Edema Rue