The Aspiring Archivist

Hey everyone. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive.

I won’t bore you with mental state, you already know how it is. Horrible and getting worse.

I do have some really good news though. I’m getting tested for Anxiety, and I’m also going to sign up for counseling. My parents got really serious about my mental health cause of something that happened.

Im glad that I’m here where they are now being serious, but im not proud of how I got here… you can ask questions if you’d like I guess. I’m okay with questions on what happened, I’m just…. Not proud and kind of scaring myself so…

Im trying my best here guys, I really miss yall and uhm. It would mean the world to me if you reached out, definitely makes me feel less alone just to have people there. 
 

Love you guys and im trying to keep up.

Dont forget how wonderful you all are.

I'm back!! Sorry... I'm up high in the mountains now and altitude sickness hit hard. I have to be on oxygen almost always...

WELL, I GUESS I WON FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW??????????

hmmm

there can be but one solution.

Anyways... thanks again, I guess  

I'm sleeping over at a friends house till Monday afternoon, so I'll probably be on sometime then. 

Love you all, reach out if you ever need someone to talk to, or answer non-math questions (those mess with my silly brain, like I'm number-dyslexic or something) or give you hugs. Physical touch is my love language, so i am a big huger!  

Please take care of yourself, There seems to be a mental health crisis spreading, (from what I've seen) And there are sooo many wonderful humans on here to talk to. Some of the ones that have helped me are: 

LOVE YOU ALLLL  

WIZZPOP NEEDS HUGZZZZZ

 

Love you, Brother! 

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* 

*MASSIVE HUGZZZZ*

 

Spoiler: Something to laugh at <3333 

*more hugs* 

To the theatre, regarding hope:

Isn’t it funny?

How a few words from the right person can make me feel like I belong?

Isn’t it absurd?

How easy it is to make me feel like I could be okay?

And isn’t the opposite so much funnier?

The way it only takes a moment

To make me want to quit?

To make me want to leave you, because nothing I do will ever let me fit on your stage, fit anywhere?

I want to be around the people who give me hope.

I want to be around the ones who let me belong.

And I want the ones who make me hurt…

The ones who make it my fault…

The ones who expect me to be better…

I want to run from them.

But I can’t.

Isn’t it funny?

I search you for the hope,

And yet I’m stuck with the hopelessness.

Yeah.

It’s funny.

I can’t run from the ones who tear my heart to pieces that need you to heal it.

And since I can’t escape them,

I hope that they hurt.

I hope that they break.

And I hope that it changes them,

Into the sort of person I’ve learned to find backstage.

A person who gives me hope.

A person who can make me want to keep living with but a glance and a grin.

Change them from the person who makes me want to find a knife

And cut

Cut

Cut

My eyes

My fingers

My tongue

My wrists.

I found hope within your walls,

And your curtains.

Beneath your lights,

And surrounded by your web of love.

But there’s more to me

Than just you.

There are more people

Than just your actors.

All the world is not a stage.

And in the parts that aren’t

Your hope fades away.

Your lights fade to dark.

Your curtains are pulled aside.

And the mundane

Weighs heavy

On a heart built from eggshells.

I can’t live without hope.

I can’t live without you,

Since I can’t seem to find hope in places where you are not.

Maybe if I were stronger…

But maybe I don’t want to be stronger. 

Because to be strong is to be hard.

And to be hard

Is to shield your heart

And that shield leaves no room for hope.

And I’d rather hope.

I’d rather lean on you,

And trust that you’ll always be there

Trust that you’ll never fall through

I’ve been away from you for almost a week.

I didn’t think I needed you.

But o, stars, I do.

Life without you is dreary and dull, and scary and lonely.

I can’t wait to go back.

To step back onto your stage.

To once again be with the people who make me feel like I can be anything.

To have all eyes on me,

To slip between your curtains and dance beneath your lights.

You give me hope,

When my world is hopeless.

You hold me tight,

When I’ve been left to fall.

You give me reasons to care,

When all I want is oblivion.

You are becoming what I’d always dreamed you’d be.

Home.

Rue

To the theatre, regarding hope:

Isn’t it funny?

How a few words from the right person can make me feel like I belong?

Isn’t it absurd?

How easy it is to make me feel like I could be okay?

And isn’t the opposite so much funnier?

The way it only takes a moment

To make me want to quit?

To make me want to leave you, because nothing I do will ever let me fit on your stage, fit anywhere?

I want to be around the people who give me hope.

I want to be around the ones who let me belong.

And I want the ones who make me hurt…

The ones who make it my fault…

The ones who expect me to be better…

I want to run from them.

But I can’t.

Isn’t it funny?

I search you for the hope,

And yet I’m stuck with the hopelessness.

Yeah.

It’s funny.

I can’t run from the ones who tear my heart to pieces that need you to heal it.

And since I can’t escape them,

I hope that they hurt.

I hope that they break.

And I hope that it changes them,

Into the sort of person I’ve learned to find backstage.

A person who gives me hope.

A person who can make me want to keep living with but a glance and a grin.

Change them from the person who makes me want to find a knife

And cut

Cut

Cut

My eyes

My fingers

My tongue

My wrists.

I found hope within your walls,

And your curtains.

Beneath your lights,

And surrounded by your web of love.

But there’s more to me

Than just you.

There are more people

Than just your actors.

All the world is not a stage.

And in the parts that aren’t

Your hope fades away.

Your lights fade to dark.

Your curtains are pulled aside.

And the mundane

Weighs heavy

On a heart built from eggshells.

I can’t live without hope.

I can’t live without you,

Since I can’t seem to find hope in places where you are not.

Maybe if I were stronger…

But maybe I don’t want to be stronger. 

Because to be strong is to be hard.

And to be hard

Is to shield your heart

And that shield leaves no room for hope.

And I’d rather hope.

I’d rather lean on you,

And trust that you’ll always be there

Trust that you’ll never fall through

I’ve been away from you for almost a week.

I didn’t think I needed you.

But o, stars, I do.

Life without you is dreary and dull, and scary and lonely.

I can’t wait to go back.

To step back onto your stage.

To once again be with the people who make me feel like I can be anything.

To have all eyes on me,

To slip between your curtains and dance beneath your lights.

You give me hope,

When my world is hopeless.

You hold me tight,

When I’ve been left to fall.

You give me reasons to care,

When all I want is oblivion.

You are becoming what I’d always dreamed you’d be.

Home.

Rue

Hi everyone.

Sorry I’ve been gone so long, I dunno, it might happen again.

Wanted to let you all know I love you guys and am still alive. I can share stories, mental health updates, etc. you just might wanna pm me. I’m more motivated when I see pms.

Uhmmm

We are surviving.

Life is confusing.

It’s hard to talk to people.

And uhm, that’s alright.

Love yall, I’ll try and get to my notifs, I’m really sorry. My mental motivation really dropped on me.

I think I've officially received my best Christmas gift ever.

drumroll please...

I'M GETTING A PUPPY 

Nothing can explain the pure joy I'm feeling.

There are four in the litter- 2 girls, 2 boys.

We're lower on the waitlist, so we don't get first choice, BUT ALL OF THEM LOOK ADORABLE. They're miniature golden retrievers. 75% english cream golden retriever (so they're white colored), and 25% cocker spaniel.

THE PUPPY IS ARRIVING JANUARY 18TH.

 AAAAAAAA I'M SO EXCITED  

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL  

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I think I've officially received my best Christmas gift ever.

drumroll please...

I'M GETTING A PUPPY 

Nothing can explain the pure joy I'm feeling.

There are four in the litter- 2 girls, 2 boys.

We're lower on the waitlist, so we don't get first choice, BUT ALL OF THEM LOOK ADORABLE. They're miniature golden retrievers. 75% english cream golden retriever (so they're white colored), and 25% cocker spaniel.

THE PUPPY IS ARRIVING JANUARY 18TH.

 AAAAAAAA I'M SO EXCITED  

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL  

Hey all. Christmas Eve! Or even already Christmas, for some of you. Spent a lot of time with family today. It was nice.

Feeling... quite bad, honestly. I don't know why.

Elf is the most cringey, painful classic Christmas movie ever. No other one is as weird as this one.

If you have not seen it and think another one is worse, I will tell you, go watch it simply so that you can know that I am right.

In other words, my family is watching it right now and I'm watching some of it too, but walking out of the room when I am in pain from it-

You guys—

my art had a GLOW UP

It’s never too late to start drawing! In just a year, you can improve so much. And that goes for anything in life, really! If you want to pursue a hobby or even a potential career, go for it.

love yall

i hate mood swings.

i hate crying for no real reason.

i hate screaming and i hate breaking things and slamming my fists onto my desks and feeling all these terrible things that i dont want to feel.

and i hate whispering curses that i would never say and look at my tear-streaked face in my mirror and just feel so terrible- so so terrible that i can't even look at my face anymore and i start clawing at my hair and ripping off my clothes and realizing that there is no real reason to why i'm like this

and i wish i could just stop it all but i cant and i still have this terrible feeling that keeps the tears falling and this urge to scream and tear down the world and watch it burn but i cant and then i ask myself that if i dont even love this monster i've created why would i expect anyone else to

and then i realize it is just a mood swing that i can shake off.

and then i try and i try but no matter what i do i can't shake it off.

so i come to the shard.

don't you hate it when that happens?

i hate mood swings.

i hate crying for no real reason.

i hate screaming and i hate breaking things and slamming my fists onto my desks and feeling all these terrible things that i dont want to feel.

and i hate whispering curses that i would never say and look at my tear-streaked face in my mirror and just feel so terrible- so so terrible that i can't even look at my face anymore and i start clawing at my hair and ripping off my clothes and realizing that there is no real reason to why i'm like this

and i wish i could just stop it all but i cant and i still have this terrible feeling that keeps the tears falling and this urge to scream and tear down the world and watch it burn but i cant and then i ask myself that if i dont even love this monster i've created why would i expect anyone else to

and then i realize it is just a mood swing that i can shake off.

and then i try and i try but no matter what i do i can't shake it off.

so i come to the shard.

don't you hate it when that happens?

i hate mood swings.

i hate crying for no real reason.

i hate screaming and i hate breaking things and slamming my fists onto my desks and feeling all these terrible things that i dont want to feel.

and i hate whispering curses that i would never say and look at my tear-streaked face in my mirror and just feel so terrible- so so terrible that i can't even look at my face anymore and i start clawing at my hair and ripping off my clothes and realizing that there is no real reason to why i'm like this

and i wish i could just stop it all but i cant and i still have this terrible feeling that keeps the tears falling and this urge to scream and tear down the world and watch it burn but i cant and then i ask myself that if i dont even love this monster i've created why would i expect anyone else to

and then i realize it is just a mood swing that i can shake off.

and then i try and i try but no matter what i do i can't shake it off.

so i come to the shard.

don't you hate it when that happens?

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

(please refrain judgement until the end of this giant post. It'll make more sense if you do.

I've been unsure about something for the past few weeks, even maybe a few months. It's something that a lot of you are most likely rock solid sure on and would say "Yes, do it, it's good!" But, as for me, I am not as sure. I know that people have found a way to walk the line and still feel like they have done good in the world. I can see what they're doing and I dreadfully want to join them.

But something holds me back.

I feel like almost any decision I make will offend people. Whether I decide to do it or not. Or any of the other things that I could do here. I feel like there are three main decisions. One, I choose to do it and try to live on the line like other people are. Two, I just decide never ever to do it and live with the guilt of knowing I am shutting wonderful people out. Or three, the decision I inevitably think I will make.

I love all of you. You are all wonderful, amazing people who I want to be friends with forever. Especially those of you who I've had disagreements with. Yet, will my decision change the way you want to be friends with me? I hope not. I really hope not. My decisions will never ever be meant to hurt you or others. They aren't supposed to. Every time I think about the decisions I will have to inevitably make as a writer, I think about here. I think about all the wonderful friends I've made. Will my decisions, as I have mentioned, hurt you, even if I don't want them to? Perhaps... and perhaps I'll just have to find a way to live with that. I don't want to. I really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. But I do have to make the choice that I can feel like I can make while still being who I am as a believer, as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as a best friend, as a writer, and as a priesthood holder. 

I don't want to make y'all mad. I really don't want y'all to think that by what I'm going to say, that I dislike you for who you are. That isn't true. I love you for who you are. You're all amazing. I love the fact that we, in this world, have different ways that we look at our reality, different beliefs about God, different views on what things mean. I never ever want that to change. But if I can accept the fact that you all can think different than me, shouldn't I accept that I can think differently than all of you?

I've been thinking about this for a long time. A very long time. I've prayed about it, I've pleaded with God for a way that I can do the thing that will offend people the least. 

However, I don't feel like I can do that. I don't feel like God wants me to do what I want to do in this respect. 

Instead, I am doing something that gives me both peace of mind and assurance that God will be pleased with me. 

The issue I have been talking about is LGBTQ++ (Idk how many others letters are in there. I should look it up sometime) in my own writing. I've always said to myself, family members and friends that I don't know how to write it, but will try to put representation of the LGBTQ community into my stories. I always thought there were only two decisions, the one that just puts it in and ignores the fact that I don't know what God wants me to do for it, or the one that simply doesn't and never considers it again. 

Now I think there is a good thing that I can do. I've realized that it's not up to me to make that choice. God needs to be a part of the choice. I simply believe that God has not revealed yet to me what to do in this. So, I will wait until he tells me, either through revelation, through scriptures or through his prophets and apostles. I love all of you and want to be able to include LGBTQ content into my stories, but I simply don't know what my church's stance on putting it in writing is. I want to wait till I know before I do so. 

The third choice is accepting that I simply don't know yet. I want to know what God says about it before I make any concrete decisions.

I hope none of you hate me for this. I could've just kept this all to myself and never mentioned it on here, but I really felt like I needed to talk about this. If any of you found this offensive, let me know why either in the replies or by PM. I want to know how to not offend people while still putting forth my beliefs and opinions. It's something so very important to me to know how to do. If I'm breaking a rule somehow, please let me know so I can remove the offensive thing from my post.

One more thing. I know I've said it already a bunch on here, but I love all of you. You're awesome people. This community is one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't ever want to leave here for any reason.

Me: Let me get my book.

ER Nurse: No personal items, sorry.

Me: It's Mistborn!

ER Nurse: That doesn't matter. 

Me: But... It's BRANDON SANDERSON! 

ER Nurse: Who?

Me: 

 

 

 

Also, I wrote a poem.  

 

TEARS

If your eyes

Are the window to the soul,

What are tears?

 

Raindrops,

Splashing against the glass?

Rolling down the window pane.

Collecting on the ground.

 

Rain is good.

It helps things grow.

Why are tears so bad?

Because we never stop

To think about

What grows from them.

 

When the rain falls,

We can be grateful.

It is washing the world.

When the tears fall,

They cleanse us,

Give us a new perspective,

Let us see without dirty windows.

 

They bring a beautiful,

Rain washed dawn.

They are a part of life.

An essential part.

 

We express ourselves,

Through our tears.

Whether those be happy tears,

Or sad tears.

 

The emotions have to come

Out somehow,

And so, God gave us tears.

A way to cleanse the spirit,

As well as the body.

 

 

~ Stick