The Aspiring Archivist

Someone yell at me. Or bribe me. Or stab me. Or offer me your soul.

I have so many scudding things to do.

But I want to sit here and play with Liz (one of my favorite OC's) 

And vibe with all you lovely people

Heeeeeeellllppppppppp

Someone yell at me. Or bribe me. Or stab me. Or offer me your soul.

I have so many scudding things to do.

But I want to sit here and play with Liz (one of my favorite OC's) 

And vibe with all you lovely people

Heeeeeeellllppppppppp

Cin! Hi! Been a while

*screaming in feminine rage*
 

I hAtE mY bOdY- RAAAAA

So many emotions

So much…. So much everything

*dramatic flop*

*screaming in feminine rage*
 

I hAtE mY bOdY- RAAAAA

So many emotions

So much…. So much everything

*dramatic flop*

So.

Percy Jackson.

Do I add it to my ever growing list of TV Series to watch?

So.

Percy Jackson.

Do I add it to my ever growing list of TV Series to watch?

Love your profile picture!! I'm actually singing Not About Angels from The Fault in Our Stars for my vocal lessons  

This feels like that Blue's Clues video.

But that's just a theory,

A Game Theory.

Pressure:

Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day. Feeling a lot of these pressures, and it’s only going to get worse tomorrow.

Ugh I’m so done

im done being the one stuck working while my siblings play

im done being the one stuck at home while everyone else goes and does fun stuff

im done being lonely and stupid and I just want school to stop and life to stop just so I can breathe for a second and just ugh

I just want to be someone that’s actually worth something, you know? Not just the spare that I am, the extra mouth to feed, the constant complainer 

I want to stop being expected to act like an adult and then treated like a child

i just am done with it all and I want to go to sleep and not wake up until summer or better yet until graduation 

but then there’s no point because how am I gonna get a job without a diploma

oh and I forgot college is after this haha

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just don’t know what to do anymore and everything hurts and I just want to cry but I can’t and someone help please

My entire personality rn fr fr

 

Lol i know i just posted but this is funny so I'm posting again. I'm sitting at our big family computer to do my E-Learning for school, and my school laptop doesn't work at home sometimes. My cat just came and sat on the desk right in front of me (blocking my view, no less) and is liek preying on the cursor xD its actually the cutest thing ever xD and he loves watching me type. What if he can read 

PUPPY IS COMING JAN 20!!

i'm so excited <33

his name is jasper, jazz/jazzie for short.

we already have the dog bed and leash and bowls and food already

anything specific from those dog owners out there that you think we should get before he arrives?

PUPPY IS COMING JAN 20!!

i'm so excited <33

his name is jasper, jazz/jazzie for short.

we already have the dog bed and leash and bowls and food already

anything specific from those dog owners out there that you think we should get before he arrives?

PUPPY IS COMING JAN 20!!

i'm so excited <33

his name is jasper, jazz/jazzie for short.

we already have the dog bed and leash and bowls and food already

anything specific from those dog owners out there that you think we should get before he arrives?

How nice it is

 to have someone

 who says what

 I cannot

 who does that

 which is impossible

 when I tell him to

 who will be 

the person

 I am

 without anyone

 knowing that 

it’s me.

 Do people like him?

 They do,

 for in making him 

into me

 I’ve made him better

 than I could ever be.

 He’s saved lives

 fallen in love

 made friends fast 

ones who actually care.

 He’s become

 what I wish I was

 while still having

 the same problems

 and thoughts 

and feelings

 that I do.

And so if he’s struggling

 then how could I

 should I

 not?

 But he can talk

to people he loves

 and get help.

 I can’t

 I’m too afraid

 so he does it for me

 but,

 I’ve made him too well

he seems his own person

 or no one actually knows me

 because they suspect 

nothing, or so 

it seems

 to me.

 

You know those days when the first thing you eat is an entire raw lemon at lunchtime?

How's it going? You don't seem to have been around too much.

To the theatre, regarding the cast:

I love standing on your stage.

Or sitting.

Or crawling.

Or being stabbed,

Or being held.

I love pretending for an eager audience.

But I don’t love you for them.

I don’t love you so I can be admired by thousands.

I don’t love you for the crowd;

I love you for the cast.

I don’t want to be loved by faces I don’t know, by people who see only the performance, by people who will love me and leave me in the same breath.

I don’t need them.

I don’t need an audience.

I need your acolytes;

I need your servants,

I need your cast.

But the audience is laughing, and the cast is so cruel.

Their care has conditions; their love is not free. Each hug is a distraction, so they can tie another string. They dance with the strings, twirl them like ribbons, and I stumble along, unaware of the danger.

It’s easier to hide.

To stay off your stage.

It’s easier to traipse along with nothing to navigate, no messy people to try to understand. 

But I don’t want easier.

I want you.

And you are more than a stage.

I want what isn’t on the stage.

I want the parts no one ever sees, but everyone knows are there.

They are there. Right?

Because the hope that I’ll find them is keeping me alive.

You wouldn’t lie about something like that...

Love without strings.

Family without fear.

Belonging without breaking.

Laughter without loneliness.

Beauty without bravery.

Perfection without pain.

Care without conditions…

That’s what I wanted from the cast.

I wanted it to be easy, and natural.

I saw your acolytes as deities, and foolishly believed that they would act like the gods I saw under your lights.

That they were a pantheon where any could belong…but that there was no hierarchy.

No tiers,

And no tears.

Nothing I need to do, nothing I need to be.

It was foolish.

I see it now.

It was a child’s dream. And I should have given it up years ago.

But maybe…

Sometimes I think the dreaming is worth it.

And sometimes I think that trudging though life in a mindless oblivion is better than hurting for this moment.

And sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream

And then I open a book,

And I watch them rehearse,

And I hear laughter

In my mind.

And then I think

That maybe it’s time to pick up woodworking.

That maybe

The work and the pain and the failure are worth it for the dreams that could someday come true.

I want things that will never be. A curse, and a blessing. A curse, for the eternal hunger that will never be satisfied. And a blessing, for, like Orpheus, I can see the way the world could be, in spite of the way that it is. 

So maybe,

It’s time,

To stop waiting for a cast list

To tell me I belong.

Maybe,

It's time,

To pick up a hammer

And nails

And start building a home of my own.

No walls,

For though they keep out the cold,

They keep out the lonely as well.

But a roof, to keep away the rain.

And a fire, to keep us warm.

And a stage, because wherever I go and whoever I become,

You will be there with me.

Rue

To the theatre, regarding the cast:

I love standing on your stage.

Or sitting.

Or crawling.

Or being stabbed,

Or being held.

I love pretending for an eager audience.

But I don’t love you for them.

I don’t love you so I can be admired by thousands.

I don’t love you for the crowd;

I love you for the cast.

I don’t want to be loved by faces I don’t know, by people who see only the performance, by people who will love me and leave me in the same breath.

I don’t need them.

I don’t need an audience.

I need your acolytes;

I need your servants,

I need your cast.

But the audience is laughing, and the cast is so cruel.

Their care has conditions; their love is not free. Each hug is a distraction, so they can tie another string. They dance with the strings, twirl them like ribbons, and I stumble along, unaware of the danger.

It’s easier to hide.

To stay off your stage.

It’s easier to traipse along with nothing to navigate, no messy people to try to understand. 

But I don’t want easier.

I want you.

And you are more than a stage.

I want what isn’t on the stage.

I want the parts no one ever sees, but everyone knows are there.

They are there. Right?

Because the hope that I’ll find them is keeping me alive.

You wouldn’t lie about something like that...

Love without strings.

Family without fear.

Belonging without breaking.

Laughter without loneliness.

Beauty without bravery.

Perfection without pain.

Care without conditions…

That’s what I wanted from the cast.

I wanted it to be easy, and natural.

I saw your acolytes as deities, and foolishly believed that they would act like the gods I saw under your lights.

That they were a pantheon where any could belong…but that there was no hierarchy.

No tiers,

And no tears.

Nothing I need to do, nothing I need to be.

It was foolish.

I see it now.

It was a child’s dream. And I should have given it up years ago.

But maybe…

Sometimes I think the dreaming is worth it.

And sometimes I think that trudging though life in a mindless oblivion is better than hurting for this moment.

And sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream

And then I open a book,

And I watch them rehearse,

And I hear laughter

In my mind.

And then I think

That maybe it’s time to pick up woodworking.

That maybe

The work and the pain and the failure are worth it for the dreams that could someday come true.

I want things that will never be. A curse, and a blessing. A curse, for the eternal hunger that will never be satisfied. And a blessing, for, like Orpheus, I can see the way the world could be, in spite of the way that it is. 

So maybe,

It’s time,

To stop waiting for a cast list

To tell me I belong.

Maybe,

It's time,

To pick up a hammer

And nails

And start building a home of my own.

No walls,

For though they keep out the cold,

They keep out the lonely as well.

But a roof, to keep away the rain.

And a fire, to keep us warm.

And a stage, because wherever I go and whoever I become,

You will be there with me.

Rue

Sometimes I just…hate myself. And everything about me. And everything I’ve done, am doing, and want to do. I hate who I’ve been, who I am, and who I want to be.

 How’s everyone else doing?

How's it going? You don't seem to have been around too much.

Officially back from the mountains now! Sorry for my inactivity!

Officially back from the mountains now! Sorry for my inactivity!