Lotus Blossom

"I cannot stay here. I cannot stay with him, and I cannot stay with you. I have a ticket, I leave tomorrow evening. To where, I will not say. Regardless if I have a month or a year, I am starting anew, with none of my past behind me. And if my child is born, let my life never influence theirs. And let us go far far away, where no one can find us." She paused for a moment. "But fear not, though I will not contact anyone, my sister will know where I am."

"But what of it? I have learned nothing, yet I have learned too much. I have seen only days and nights alike, but then again I've seen everything. I can speak of nothing, write of everything. I know far more than I'd like, but enough to know that I know nothing, really."

Mae stared into the distance. There was a moment of silence. "I feel as if I have not ever lived. And yet, simultaneously as if I've lived a million lives and more."

"Not quite. But if you may, speak that answer."

"How long have you been in this life. The one I'm in."

"Here. In England, first of all. Then, in this life. How long has it been?"

Mae softened her voice. "How long have you been here?" She asked gently.

"And I did too. Even if this star were to never fall upon us, still such a life is beyond me. You should reach for it while you still can, Envoy."

"I wish I could age past sixty. Wrinkles. White hair. A mind filled with stories. I have lost hope of this."

Jane eyes, almost swollen shut, blinked open when she heard the sounds of the bird. She pushed herself up, heart racing, and called out Aaron's name. She followed the flight of the bird best she could, venturing towards the tree where the nest had been. She saw the bird circling in the sky above, so she followed to that point and reached the base of the tree. She remained quiet, trying not to disturb the bird, the nest, or the tree.

"I wish I could grow old."

"A few months..." She would be a mother in a few months. She would be a bride in a few months.

"How much time?"

"It's getting closer. It appears larger by the hour."

She remained silent, watching the gardens.

"Many can remember well. This just makes it all the more important. If one misspeaks, that will taint their remembrance for years to come."

"But I only have so many words that this world can remember me by. So if I am to speak, I must do so carefully. We all must."

"Because I intend to use only words I deem necessary in this conversation."

Jane stumbled, cursing under her breath. She tripped and fell into a ditch, on the darker side of the hills in a patch of tall grass. She heard the distance sounds of battle and the caws of the bird. She heard the insects and small creatures rustling in the tall grass. She felt the pain of her scratches and watched as blood seeped into the ground. No one could find her here. She wished she could stay here forever. In the tall grass. In the dark. On the damp ground of the hills. Alone. I'm hurting. She closed her eyes. I'm hurting because I fell. Because I'm here. Because Aspen didn't send me a letter. Because Delilah didn't keep her promise. Because I'm hungry and I don't drink enough water, ever. Because I killed my younger sister. Because I hate winging things but I don’t know if i'll survive tomorrow and still surviving seems worse. I'm hurting because I must think I'm much better than I am but time and time again I keep failing so when will I realize that I'm not? Because when the animals would keep biting me their only response was “Toughen up a little, Jane” as if that wasn’t all I’ve been doing these last few years. As if I didn’t come out bruised and broken and burned out but still made it because I don’t care about myself but somehow I need to make you proud and I hate myself for that too. Because I have to keep pretending like you weren't relieved when my name was drawn for the Hunger Games. Because we all need to act as if that wasn't the one thing the family wished for most. And because we all need to pretend as if you aren't terrible actors. A tear fell into the ground. I'm hurting because I know I can never truly make you proud. And anyone who's worse than me at anything is suddenly “going through much more" than I am or has a “harder life” or “stricter parents." But I promise you they didn't kill their sister. And because we ignore that too. Because I’ve never done anything wrong or lied to you but still you don’t trust me and I never get enough credit for how sweet I’ve been and how I've never done anything scandalous or broken any rules thrown away my life or done anything before you allowed me to or not payed attention or played tricks on my siblings or rebelled against your rules or any rules. And still you love Aspen more? Because I’m trying so hard to be your daughter and still there’s something wrong with me or you suspect I've done something wrong. Because I know if I ever tell you this I’ll be the one in big trouble. Because you have no idea how hard life has been for me on my own surrounded by this family and now I'm actually alone and I hate it. And I know I'm young and you won't believe me but I feel like I see the world from this new, older perspective and I hate that. But it has been hard and I’ve never stayed up too late or gossiped and still you don’t really care? But I'm crying and falling asleep in tears and getting sick because of stress and doing it all and still surviving and wearing makeup and doing my hair and still it's not enough so please tell me what's enough. Is it winning the Hunger Games? Is that it? But I'm not eating well and I know you don't care but my anxiety has been working up lately so I can't force myself to eat more than just a seed or berry before I want to throw up and I never drink water so I always have a headache and my migraines are back. And I feel like I've never really lived but still I'm about to die. And I don't want to die but at the same time sometimes I really really do. But at the same time I feel like I've lived a million lives because I see everyone as this multifaceted character and people that I’ve known my entire life are becoming just humans. Not mothers, fathers, aunts, or uncles, just humans with flaws and traits and personalities and journeys. And I'm just a character in everyone else's story? But stepping out of place would somehow destroy all that? So I just have to take it and make sure I always do better than my best even though it hurts so so much that sometimes I just want it all to be over. Sometimes I just wish one of these tributes would kill me or I wish I fell asleep and never had to wake up ever again because it's all just way too much. But no. I can't do that. And I do love my life and I want to stay but maybe everything else should just go. I have been burned out again and again and it's too late now but I wish I could move somewhere random. Where no one could find me. Or talk to me. Ever again. And I could ignore it all. Because disappointment and failure is worse than death. Because I haven't actually had a funny, memorable childhood? I have no trauma or memories or role models or anything interesting? And I'm not a main character but I act like one? Because anywhere I went, the community and friends didn’t actually like me? Because everything I've done still stings so much and Aspen and Delilah aren't even here anymore and I thought I could start over here even though everyone here wants me dead. And because I keep it all to myself because the last thing I would want would be to hurt someone so instead I just hurt myself? But not really. And I'm just in need of a break. But I cant figure out why I'm constantly failing and whats wrong because I'm trying my best I promise I really am and I'm doing it all and I'm doing it perfectly. And I don’t know if I even believe in fate or destiny anymore but I'm starting to because thats the only way to comfort me from this pain and this hurting but even that is starting to fade because I'm not sure if I'm meant for anything anymore. Certainly not to win this. I want to pause life. And most of all I just want you to like me? Be proud of me? Or show any acknowledgement of everything I’m going through? Or even just say anything at all? Like keep going, you got this? Or you’ll survive, I believe in you? Or really anything that’s not “Toughen Up”?

Jane nodded quickly and pulled herself up, moving away from where Aaron was fighting off the bird. There was no time for pleasantries. Aaron didn't seem too vulnerable at the moment, and Jane Cora Rae stood a safe enough distance away, but close enough for her to run and assist him if the fight turned tides.

"Aaron!" Jane called out quickly, trying to grab his arms and stand up. She needed to shield him from the bird, but her ankle prevented her from getting on her feet again.

"The books I've read said such things."

"We will only say about 860,341,500 words in a lifetime. We need to choose them carefully."