BreezeCauthon

Okay, here's your history story for the week.

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The year is 1198. Pope Innocent III wants very much to unleash another crusade upon the Holy Land, and he wants two men at its head: King Richard the Lionheart of England and King Philip II of France, some of the most powerful nobles in Europe.

Unfortunately the two kings were not on speaking terms. They had a falling out after the last crusade. So the Pope dispatched a legate (one Peter of Capua) to Richard to try and mend the gap.

Peter informed the King that his hostility towards Philip was harming the Christian presence in the Holy Land, and would he consider making up?

Richard responded with the classic "he started it" argument, pointing out that Philip had absconded from the Third Crusade early on and used the opportunity to steal much of Richard's land in northern Europe. When Richard returned to Europe, he was imprisoned by rivals, and Philip exerted influence to keep him imprisoned. So, concluded Richard, he would only come to an agreement if Philip returned every last piece of stolen land.

In a masterpiece of passive-aggression, Peter of Capua replied: "Ah, sire, how true it is that no one can have everything that he wants."

Richard had no response to this put-down, and agreed to a five-year truce conditional upon the return of only some of his lands.

Peter had now what he wanted, but unwisely decided to press the advantage. Would King Richard mind also releasing from captivity Bishop Philip Beauvais? After all, it wasn't right to hold a churchman prisoner.

As a matter of fact, Richard did mind. (Bishop Philip had encouraged Richard's jailers to treat him harshly during Richard's own captivity, and had taken up arms against Richard. He was "one of the men Richard hated most in all the world," according to a near-contemporary history).

Richard had, to put it simply, had enough, and unleashed an impressive rant:

Quote

 "By my head, he is deconsecrated for he is a false Christian. It was not as a bishop that he was captured, but as a knight, fighting and fully armed, a laced helmet on his head. Sir Hypocrite! What a fool you are! If you had not been an envoy I would send you back with something to show the pope which he would not forget! Never did the pope raise a finger to help me when I was in prison and wanted his help to be free. And now he asks me to set free a robber and an incendiary who has never done me anything but harm. Get out of here, Sir Traitor; liar, trickster, corrupt dealer in churches, and never let me see you again!"

Peter had no passive-aggressive response with which to mollify the King. And to cap it all off, Richard threatened to have the legate castrated.

Peter bowed before this superior line of intellectual argumentation, and left.

Neither Richard nor Philip II ended up participating in the Fourth Crusade, which succeeded in doing little other than sacking allied Constantinople. The end.

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