Snakenaps

This is what I get for not checking the date of a post... lesson learned I love all sorts of music, but there is something especially lively yet calming about jazz. Unfortunately, I don't think I tried Irn-Bru when I was in Edinburgh...probably because I was drinking quite a lot of Guiness...I definitely learned how to like beer in Edinburgh. I'm so disappointed that I visited when I was too young to appreciate scotch. We tutored Glenkinchie Distillery when we went there in 2017, and the tutor guide had a good natured laugh as I choked on my mere sip of scotch. Scotland is definitely on my "To Return To" list. If I had to pick between Edinburgh and Rome, I'd be hard pressed to choose, and that says something, because I took six years of Latin lessons. Hi Emi!!! Welcome! I've got 825 square feet that will be aaaallll miiiiine come July once my roommate moves out. I'm making her room into a library/Breyer room. The bonus of not having a partner or spouse is that I get to spread out without competition once my roomie leaves. I can keep it clean most of the time because 1) roomie sleeps when she isn't working and 2) I pretty much live at my desk. But I wish the dishes would disappear. Oh man, renovating a house seems like so much work, so much money, and such a learning curve, but I can't wait for the point in my life where I get to make something my own. Mad jealous. If I could just paint one wall in this apartment, I would be so happy. At least I have the life-size cardboard horse head! What was your favorite renovation project? Oooooooh, so jealous!!! I grew up with a three acre pond and I miss it so much. Of course, we didn't have a beach, because 1) the wild pigs would destroy it and 2) our cats would have used anything left over as a litter box. Do you fish??? Canoe??? Kayak??? Swim??? Boat around??? Float around??? Simply enjoy the beauty of the lake???

As usual, did not read the previous comments. Thoughts as I go: Introduction, "Any response I receive from the N": Hmmm, I wonder how the N responded? Through the diadem? The Symphony somehow? Changes in crystal colors? Vibrations?Pg 1: Alright, we have E's perspective. Slightly disappointing because I was hoping for S due to the situation. However, E is one of my favorite POV characters, so I'm also happy. Pg 2, "She couldn’t lose them again." You're not going to lose your boys, they are going to lose you, bait. Pg 2, "They would not take her over again. Except they were lessened...": This felt contradictory to me, as I expected that the "except" would lead to a sentence when the voices could take over. Pg 4, "like tiny tumors." Shards, are the Elg corrupted Ari??? D: Is E becoming one because of how Elg affect the Symphony? She didn't uncontrollably turn into any species from Facet #2 when she first met them... Pg 4, "The voices inside her had made her shift form." Oooooh snap. I doubt they are helping her out of good will. More like the desire to keep one's host alive so the parasites don't die too. By becoming one of the Elg in shape, will they ignore her? Or will their hivemind tendencies make them realize she is not one of them? Pg 4, "What would S and I think when they saw her?" My guess is, "Brahms' bushy beard, it's an Elg, run!" Pg 9, "Maybe the dreamer was not all wrong." The dreamer? The specie S prophet? Or Master Memory Wipe? Hmmm... Pg 10, "There were no aches or pains, no worries, just being." This chapter makes me like the Elg, whom I have no desire to like, thank you very much. Pg 10, "They’re gathering energy, but where are they taking it?" What weapon needs an incredible amount of energy to destroy worlds? There is only one answer: the Death Star. Pg 11, "She couldn’t wait on S" S is somehow going to drop from the ceiling, wreck everybody, and assume E is dead because she 1) doesn't notice him (unlikely), 2) can't change back (decently likely) or 3) is either killed by the Elg or by S (my least favorite theory). Pg 12, "This body was nimble." Oh snap, what if it is E who grabs R's ankle? I'm trying to remember my timelines...are we synced up yet? I know we back tracked a bit with R.A. and Co. before they met up with old man M. Pg 12, " as if it they were all connected," Pg 14, "She sensed no Elg on the water." On or in? Can Elg swim or do they walk on top of water like some sort of exterminator's Anti-Christ? Oh my gosh, can you imagine being an exterminator in City I while all of this is going down??? This would definitely make me change careers. I vote for a two sentence short story about some poor sap who throws down his hat and quits. Pg 14, "They had not been evacuated" Screw that. If the rich people are dying from an attack, I'm not waiting for an evacuation order. I'm bookin' it like a bat out of hell. On the other hand, there are definitely people dumb enough to think that they can outlast anything. Others simply might not be able to leave. Pg 16, "Now she had harmony." Turning into an Elg might just be the weirdest meditation method I have ever heard of, but, hey, if it works, it works. Pg 16, "There would be time later." I'm dying to know what happened to S. Hoping that will be in Chapter 14... Pg 21, "They are taking energy from this place, and it is not replaced": This reminds me of the book Aurora by Kim Stanley Robinson. In the book, everyone on the spaceship panics because they are running out of the elements needed to support life, and in space, you can't just go down to the store and get iron supplements. What happens to the N if too much of its energy and elements are destroyed/teleported, without anyone coming in from other homeworlds to track in dirt? Pg 22, " It was as if this place drew them." Or they are waiting to try to trap/kill S again... Pg 24, "They were looking for something," S? The diadem? Seeds? Surely not people at this point... Pg 26, "some other presence in her grabbed at the notes" Uh oh... Pg 28, " That part of her started to dissolve," Hmmm...not an instantaneous dissolvement. Is it because the Elg do not wish to kill her, only to incapacitate her? Or is it because her body can resist because it is currently Elg? Pg 31, "She might be able to rip one or two to shreds," Why are they letting her? Are the Elg under orders to capture E for bait? Is it because of her body that she is able to touch them without dissipating? Because I thought that people poofed if even their weapon touched an Elg. So, with my current knowledge, either they are letting her touch them, or they can't dissipate her. Pg 33, " little pieces of her touched the creatures, fizzling and disappearing." Okay, so they can dissolve her, at least a bit, which means somehow she is resistant to getting poofed all at once. Pg 35, "she finally abandoned" I'm glad, because I was worried she would become stuck. Pg 36, "begin to fall" Apparently not that much time has passed at all! Very happy to see S!!! Overall: Although initially disappointed that this wasn't S's POV, I thoroughly enjoyed how you used E has a conduit to learn more about the Elg. Just as I was beginning to feel a lull from lack of action, you snapped me right back into the fray. This was a nice breath of calming air, from, oddly, a Elg-heavy chapter. I would not have believed that was possible earlier.

I immediately like your spouse because 1) Star Wars and 2) Legos. What's nice about small houses is that you have less to clean!

I'll have to take your word on it, as I've never had it! But if I ever get the chance to drink it, know that I shall give a toast to your name, even if the wind is the only one listening. My family is a foodie family. We never say no to trying something new. (Okay, that is a lie, Mom and I wouldn't try the horse salami in Budapest. My sister said it tasted like greasy pepperoni and I bawled, despite being a sophomore in high school. But I love haggis)

This is probably the coolest thing I've learned all week, and I thought that blue corn juice was crazy.

From my own Breyer knowledge, this doesn't surprise me a whole lot. What are the most common variations seen between factories? In Breyers, it is usually the amount of shading, but that doesn't work much for MLP, unless you count blush.

Collecting can be so much fun. I've never heard of Scalextric cars before! And thanks for moving the conversation over here! I've got about 30 MLP G3, but they are in *hem* a very well loved state, to put it mildly. My favorites as a child were Pinkie Pie (back when she was shy) and Minty. I would assume from simple worth you collect G1? I wish I had the knowledge to turn around tea sets like that! Breyers and other model horses can go for ridiculous amounts. I spend more time browsing Model Horse Sales Pages than what is probably healthy, even if I don't have the finances/room to grow my collection much. I don't collect nearly as much as I did in high school (now that I have bills to pay :/ ). None of my Breyers are worth over $300, but I've got some very nice models. My favorite is an Alborozo that generally goes for around $250 in his condition, that I purchased for $50 at Breyerfest in 2015. Once my roommate moves out, I'm taking all of my 12 giant tubs of Breyers out of storage and making a diorama table, just like I had as a child. If I was rich, I would absolutely purchase one of Nicki Button's custom resins. The micro mini's (known by Breyer as Mini Whinnies) at 11:64 scale rarely go for less than $500. Her Traditional 1:9 scale models are usually around $6,000-$8,000. This was my childhood room in 2012, when I was a sophomore in high school. The entire top of the bunk bed was a diorama with a barn, truck, trailer, pond, everything. There was also a converted magazine rack to the left that had nothing by Breyers. At this point in my collection, I had about 200 Breyers? To say the least, I liked and still like horses...

I've put you in my calendar! It'll be fun to prepare for DnD while listening to jazz! I've never participated on a Facebook livestream, only Instagram, but it can't be that hard.

I'd like a spot for Monday, if there is room. If not, no worries.

I know this sounds horrible, but I've never actually seen the Neverending Story because I know the horse dies... But I did Google this! And apparently in the Neverending Story, there is an Auryn medallion! https://theneverendingstory.fandom.com/wiki/AURYN

Unfortunately, the 300+ model horses and 500+ books take up any extra room I've got... On the other hand, if you ever need any random knowledge about plastic or resin model horses, I'm your gal! Fun fact: Last year, Breyer Model Horses sold a one of a kind model at auction for $22,000. I enjoy collecting the occasional model but I'm not that crazy (or rich).

I'm a Hufflepuff too!!! Hufflepuff for the win! I came into Reading Excuses at the tail end of the last Lego conversation. I thought it was adorable. I miss playing with Legos.

Plus, conflict = good story! The chapter definitely needs that kick, and I think that this could had a lot to the current chapter, and add strength to the future ones.

I'm glad at least I have the emotion nailed down, because historically that has been lackluster. I definitely need to start pushing the story forward. Structurally, I might not have problems, but I think I definitely have long-term pacing issues. I tend to be wordy and put in unnecessary scenes which bog things down. Thankfully, it is easier for me to take away than to add, so Draft Three should be really fun to chop. That's 3/3 on species! I'll ctrl+F and fix all of those in Draft Three. Thank you @kais !

This is why I'm leaning towards combining Chapter 3 and 4 if I cut them both well...we need to get to the meat. I think there are some foreshadowings I can sneak in as well if I am careful. I need to make all of the worldbuilding clearer from the beginning. Like Ireen being a human. If the foundation isn't solid, then it falls apart. Thank you for your LBL's! I like seeing where you get confused, because I have been living in my own head for far too long.

I absolutely agree on the talking point. I need to have someone banging down Ireen's door or something, and her realizing she's too late. There is cover-up going, but I can show that better. The idea of Ireen wanting to leave was a scrapped idea from Draft One. I obviously missed it here. I can make her motivations more clear. As to the fate of the restaurant...well, you'll just have to trust me... Thank you @CherishLarain !

This is the same problem that crops up in the first chapter: when the restaurant opens and closes. Thankfully, something easy to fix. Did not know that! I love new facts! Unfortunately, Chapter 4 is arguably one of the worst in the entire book. It has one of my two least favorite scenes. There's a good chance I'll be cutting Chapter 4 extensively and meshing it with Chapter 3 or Chapter 5 so we can get along to the exciting bits. Thanks again for the LBL's! There is something very reassuring about drafts covered in red ink. Maybe it's because I know there are flaws, but I can't always see them?

I am hilariously over-wordy way too often. I swear, the entire book is at least 25% longer than it needs to be. This is something that I slip up on often and need to be more aware of. My mother particularly hounded me on it in the first draft, but obviously I'm still missing words. Oversaying names is another downfall I have, which has been pointed out to me by at least three people, which signifies I definitely have a problem. Thank you @Sarah B !

I watch it every October without fail. Over the Garden Wall is so beautifully quirky and terrifyingly dark.

Whoo! I'm actually first for once! There's no one else's comments to avoid! Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "when her brain was more developed" Interesting...is it linked to one of her non-human bloodlines? Pg 1, "Mi stopped in front of M." I feel like this was rather jerky, like he just instantly teleported to right in front of her. That might just be me, though. Pg 3, " campus, ___. And ___ diner" Ah, yes, my favorite places to eat at as well. Love your placeholders. Mine are usually "SOMETHING SOMETHING" Pg 3, "M’s front tooth sunk into her lower lip" Unless M is missing teeth, I'd change this to front teeth. You can't bite your bottom lip with one tooth...or at least I can't. I tried. Pg 6, " tripped over a corgi" No!!! Not the corgi!!! Pg 7, "You had a very strong reaction. Why?" Too many monster movies would be a safe answer, but I doubt that's what M is going to go with. Pg 8, "Not as good as bacon pizza, but edible." I am hungry now. My weakness. Pg 9, " I’ll buy you a cake from that bakery" I vote a Twix-topped cake, in reference to C's sparkling outfit. Pg 9, " Star Wars inspired braid" Happy May 4th! Pg 11, "< I keep changing the above paragraph and then putting it back to how it was.>" As you well know from my confusion last time with this paragraph, I unfortunately am not going to be the one who'll be able to offer up solid advice. Pg 13, "feeling more human than she ever had before" Somehow, I doubt this is going to last... I didn't correct any odd grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, or weird word choices except for the tooth one because that bothered me. Overall: I feel like this chapter pushed forward the plot much further than the first draft did. I personally enjoyed going from an action-packed first scene in the first chapter, to slower, world-building for the second half of the first chapter, and all of this chapter. The plot was still moving, but the foundation was laid well. I don't feel like I have to scramble to pick up what is going on. I am thoroughly enjoying this story, and eager to get to know these characters better!

Any and all comments and opinions are welcome! Previously: Ir saves a strange unicorn from an attack by an unknown group, resulting in a fire that burns down the restaurant she considers her second home.

Adding in my two-bits, I was picturing basketball shorts, not those short-short gym shorts that give wedgies. Something like this: Not this: Although loose-fitting sport capris might work well too, and better than full-on pants.

I am late, but I am here! Didn't read the previous comments. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1. "Jogging at midnight in an unfamiliar city was a terrible idea," Alright, so we're definitely hopping into a whole new chapter, not just revised. Pg 1, "frost heaves" Today I learned about frost heaves. Pg 2, "who was muttering equations" Interesting...this chapter so far feels completely different from the first. Pg 2, "had comic book panels instead" This is absolutely adorable! Pg 4, "What was the B.O.P.?" What about the book??? Does that have to do with the B.O.P.? I am eager to find out... Pg 5, "The Pixie" Yes! I'm so glad the Pixie made the cut! Pg 5, "they would go away" Okay, make sure I've got this correct: A Pixie is "it" until M remembers C's name, in which case she switches over to "they" because "they" is the pronoun that C uses? Unless all of the pronouns are supposed to be "it" or "they", in which case changes might need to be made. Pg 6, "The classroom was a little warmer than the hallway" I swear, college classrooms only ever came in two temperatures for me: Montana in winter, or Miami in the summer. Pg 6, " a few fragments of blonde hair" I took note of this, as hair is often a powerful tool in fantasy books. I don't know if this is one of them, but still, habits die hard. Pg 7, " fastened it with a hair elastic" I just want to note, as someone with tons of curls, who has a sister and a mother with curls, hair elastics get eaten. I typically have to cut them out of my hair :/ Scrunchies are a much safer option for curly hair. I doubt anyone without curly hair would even think about this, and I didn't even note this the first read-through. Pg 8, " he had the same name as her father" If this ends up being a romance...it is going to be very hard for me to avoid daddy jokes...I am so soooooorry...I will be good... Pg 10, "towards Mi" Forgot the apostrophe for Mi. Overall: This chapter definitely feels more "first chaptery." It sets everything up and answers the questions I had from the first run-through. There's a hook, I have good questions (Who is Mi? What is the B.O.P.? What book?), M's motivations are clear. I found this chapter to be more serious than the previous draft, but I admit I miss the light-heartedness of the original draft. That's more of my personal bias, due the fact that I'm enjoying more light-hearted fiction at the moment. I hope the bacon pizza makes it into future chapters...

Let's not forget that the last episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars also drops tomorrow!

@Mandamon I'm fine with it. From a time standpoint, there is no difference for me if there is two of your chapters or one of your chapters and one of some else's. However, sorry, I'm going to lower your chances because I would like a slot for May 4th, please.