Snakenaps

I am back! All comments, opinions, and questions welcome!

In high school, I wrote a terrible short story from high school based off of a dream that's really just a poor rip-off of Cinderella. It's a romance. It is...so bad. So bad. The male lead is a cursed diary. I like to laugh at it once and a while. So, no, I don't really have that option yet. I figure I'll keep plowing forward and write myself some trunk novels. My current story, however...Ir first appeared in late 2007-early 2008, and was a dead, spiritual background character to these stories my sister and I wrote that involved unicorns blowing up toilets and prank calling Obama. Her first major overhaul came in high school when I started writing her into her own story. Then, I completely and utterly overhauled almost everything a few years ago. I actually know what a plot is, and "show, not tell" exists. I still can't write romance. At all.

If you'd ever be willing to share, I'd love to read more of your work. I came in too late for TCC and I haven't read any of your Q&M stories yet. Just one particular novella about a deceased equine

Thank you, all! It's good to hear how everyone else does it

There's the good ol' adage, "In late, out early" but I tend to have to go revise to make that fit. I'm great at writing 1,000 words of nonsense just to get into a scene. Of course, that nonsense is cut later. Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time with a scene, I'll write the bits of dialogue that I know I want to happen, like a screenplay. Then I build around that. I find that helps me with character voices too.

I'd love to go this Monday if able. @Mandamon I should have the LBL's for your last chapters finished tomorrow, if not today. If you didn't get the email linking you to the Google Doc, shoot me a message.

I ask myself, "What needs to occur here to push Plot A/B/C forward?" And then I write it. Maybe it survives revising, maybe it gets cut, maybe it gets replaced. I'm working on Draft Three and some of the oldest scenes have already gone through six or seven small revisions. It has to push at least the plot forward. I personally like building scenes that do multiple things without being overwhelming (I sometimes fail). For instance, I might want to introduce XYZ about the world, foreshadow something that won't occur until Act 3, or emphasize a certain personality trait of a character. Sometimes I'll have a strong emotional goal for a scene, be it something sad, happy, or suspenseful. So, I use a program called Scrivener for writing, which I really like because it is stupidly easy to organize everything with and doesn't get slow when a manuscript gets long, unlike Google Docs. I'm going to use Draft Two as my example, since Draft Three is only 10% revised. Currently, I have 44 chapters at 126,000 words. Typically, one of my chapters is about 2,500-3,000 words long and has 2-3 scenes. My longest chapter is currently 5,016 words and is going to get cut at least a good 25%. My shortest chapter is about 1,200 words. Sometimes, to keep things straight for me, I'll "split" a scene in Scrivener so that I know exactly when the family dinner goes wrong. What I like about Scrivener is that each of my chapters, and each of the scenes inside, have a small "index card" summary of about 2 sentences that I can see on a "corkboard," which I find very handy for making sure everything flows well within a chapter, within an Act, and throughout the book. I'm trying to recall the episode in Writing Excuses where Brandon talks about how chapter length varies depending on what kind of book you are writing and the pace you want to set. I think that was the episode where he talked about the cheap tricks Dan Brown uses to keep a reader reading?

As someone who has spent three years volunteering in classrooms while in college, did her year of student teaching, and subbed for a year...the educational system is extremely broken. I can only talk for California, since that is where I have my experience, but teachers in general are overworked, underpaid, have few resources, and have to deal with an entitled but inept children and an administration that cares more about its money and its politics than its students and teachers. As much as it breaks my heart to say it, I had already been considering not continuing my career into teaching. Now, thanks to Covid, I'm firmly turning towards a new career. One that pays better, that gives me time to write in the evenings, and doesn't treat me like garbage. In California, at least, teachers aren't teaching cursive anymore unless they want to. And generally, those teachers who want to, are already swamped trying to prepare their students for tests so that they can get funding for their pencils. I had to teach a 5th grader what the different types of coins are as well as how to read an analog clock (a normal, non-digital clock). If a 5th grader not knowing how to read a clock is bad, I had a classmate in college who couldn't read one either. This next generation is so screwed in so many ways. My generation is screwed. Having multiple friends who have been teaching for 30+ years each, they say that this generation of students can be more emotionally and socially connected to their peers (when they want to be), but is less focused, has a strong sense of entitlement, and is generally inept at a terrifying amount of life skills. How much of this can we blame on our educational system, and how much can we blame on the (lack of) parenting? How much of this is because the American society, at a whole, is broken? I am blessed to live in such a beautiful state and an incredible country, but that doesn't mean I am blind to either one's faults. I should have used Ms. Curly in my example, since that's what many students actually do call me. But Ms. Snakenaps would be a rad name. I completely agree. I was raised with the philosophy of that you can do anything you put your mind to as long as you are willing to put the effort in. I weighed the pros and cons, and in the end, I thought it would be better to find a different element for the book. I am still a beginning writer - I only have one unpolished manuscript under my belt. In comparison, how many books and short stories have you written, @Robinski? I previously never considered writing any other stories than the one I've currently got on paper and the books that follow it. I decided that it was probably better to use K.I.S.S. - keep it simple, stupid - on this idea. Going from a fictional high magic world with talking creatures to the real world with a low magic idea is going to be a big jump for me, but I want to stretch myself. I thought it better to focus on coal mining towns and good writing than get in way over my head on an idea I'm not nearly as passionate about as Name. Then again, I think it will take me a long time to build something I am as passionate about. The core of Name stretches back before high school, even if it is completely and totally unrecognizable now. Those characters and the plot have grown up with me, and that in itself is a danger. Thankfully, I seem pretty good at killing my darlings. Sometimes, though, I feel I need to apologize to some characters, locations, and ideas that I cut after years of existing. Especially to one particular character, who very nearly made it, and was cut at the 25% point of Draft One.

If there is one thing I fear, it is sports nerds. When I was doing my student teaching, my co-teacher was 1) a massive sports fanatic and 2) a former PE teacher of nine years. Her family literally has a basement twice the size of my apartment dedicated purely to sports. I, however, know pretty much nothing about sports. Actually, that's probably giving myself too much credit. I learned pretty quickly between both the students and my co-teacher that I knew less than nothing. During a class meeting, one of my fourth grade students said, "My favorite thing about Ms. Snakenaps is that she always tries her hardest at PE...and fails." The boy sitting next to me put his hand on my shoulder and said, "It's true, Ms. Snakenaps," as the whole class murmured their agreement. I completely agreed with them on that. But, hey, if I expected them to fail in front of me in math, I thought it was only fair that I fail in front of them in sports. Thankfully, I am in the middle of revising, because now you are making me question everything. I do not want to end up being a prime example of what not to do on this forum or elsewhere XD I'd also like to bring up that sometimes research doesn't work out and you have to know when to revise. For instance, I had this idea for an 1880's low-fantasy story that involved golems and a magic system that I was going to base off of Judaism. Except I learned that messing around with a living, breathing religion is not a very good idea. I am not particularly religious, and have never seriously been a part of an organized religion. Therefore, my own bias led me to look at Judaism with the same eyes that I look at, say, Roman or Celtic mythology. To say the least, when it dawned on me that, yes, I found (and find) Judaism utterly fascinating and gorgeous, I was massively disrespecting an entire culture - a culture with a long, rocky history - for a book idea. It was a very shameful, eye-opening lesson. A definitely worthwhile one. There was no way I was going to be able to research and write Judaism well enough to pull it off, not without butchering something so beautiful and ancient. The book idea is still relevant, but I'm going through and tearing it back to its base. Relevant Writing Excuses podcast on doing your research (at least about guns): https://writingexcuses.com/2012/04/22/writing-excuses-7-17-guns-and-fiction/

I haven't read anyone else's comments. My thoughts are my own. Thoughts as I go: Introduction, "I feel more connection with these ancient, deceased prophets": Why does this not shock me in the least. Pg 1, "How do we make it show another iteration?" Twist the ring? Man, if only it was so simple that it had buttons like a remote or an elevator. Pg 2, 'But there are no buttons or knobs or controls on the box" This is literally the opposite of user-friendly, but I guess that is the point. You wouldn't want just anyone messing around with the temple/house. Pg 3, "Unknown consequences." Maybe like Master Memory Wipe? Pg 3, "do not suffer headaches" I am jealous. Pg 5, “Be careful—” I don't think S knows the meaning of this, not during this apocalypse. Pg 5, "sap all his strength" Okay, so he is moving the notes from one key to another. My question is, is that if it takes notes to force a new iteration, will S be able to get his notes back? Pg 6, "What he wanted to do was throw the artifact." Thanks for not doing that. Pg 6, “There is no telling whether the new one would appear again,” Or if flipping through them and forcing the change improperly will break the house, or lead to those unknown consequences. Pg 7, " they ate a path to this facet?" Or other, unknown facets that may or may not exist? Pg 7, "Does time pass differently in the House?" Solid question. He's got two days before I mentally comes out of the diadem. Pg 7, "Water was available in every iteration" If everyone needs water...but what about dietary needs? What if that fruit was something Species N could eat, but not humans? O.C. likes to eat things alive, but what about Master C, the tree-like specie? Does that species eat only plants, or meat, or just need sunlight? Pg 8, "Maybe we can limp through the iterations." S says this sentence, so it needs quotation marks. That, or "we can" needs to be changed to "they could". Pg 8, "He was losing notes each time he made a change." Uh oh! What if this means he'll be too weak to fight off the Elg later? I am concerned. Pg 9, "He reached for another of the fruits" Rather than him plucking them off of a branch from a previous iteration, I am assuming that he's grabbing one from a previously picked pile. Pg 10, " He realized he was directing the prophet." Pg 10, " the end of everything as I know it" People rise to the challenge. Ironically, I realize as I copied and pasted this is that my brain skipped the words "as" and "it". So the first time I read this sentence as, "So all it takes is the end of everything I know to drag me." Just a weird Katie occurrence. I wonder how often I do that subconsciously? Pg 10, "to accuse him of giving her xyr orders" Pronoun mishap. Pg 11, " out in a gesture of helplessness." I don't know why, but this really hurt me. I've seen these characters go through so many trials, but knowing that WW is feeling helpless makes me incredibly sad. How did I once not like WW? Pg 14, "He heard notes in discord." Uh oh! Pg 14, "split with a sound like breaking glass" Out of all the unknown consequences, I had not considered the unbreakable crystal...breaking. This is not good, not good at all. Pg 14, "xyr hands going to xyr head." Not only was the ring the key, but it was ancient and the knowledge to make it completely lost. I can only imagine the pain and horror that WW, a scholar, must be going through. Pg 14, "How can it even break?" Literally my question. Pg 15, “You failed,” WW always knows what not to say! I want to smack WW over the headflaps right now. Pg 15, "You learn from your mistakes." Awwwwww. Man, maybe it's just because of everything going on right now, but I got all misty-eyed and had to grab a tissue. WW, that was exactly what needed to be said. My former comment can be revoked now. Hugs need to be given. Pg 15, " containing sadness, and hope, and pride all at once." And in one singular chapter, WW hops to the top of my favorite character list. Darn it, I'm pausing here and taking a break. Not sure why this chapter hit me like a freight train but, darn it, it did. I have returned. Apparently, WW's words were exactly what I needed to hear today. A good story is one that speaks to the reader personally, and this one felt like shouting in my ear today. Pg 15, "the end and the beginning" The end of the old S and the beginning of the new S as well. Same for I and E. Pg 16, " There has to be a simpler solution." K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Pg 16, "won’t shut up about it." This got a snort out of me. Pg 17, "There They were connected." Pg 18, " a storm through a pane of glass" Missing "r" Pg 19, "You have done it.” Success! Pg 19, “I need to do it again,” To search every iteration for clues to defeating the Elg, right? My memory is fuzzy. Pg 19, "Just let me catch my breath. " Missing quotation mark. Pg 20, "gears meshed to strange organic collections of bone and crystal." Eeeew. At least there isn't any flesh, but I still recalled SCP-015, an abomination made up of bone, flesh, and pretty much everything else pipes should not be made of: http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-015 Pg 20, "an entire workshop manufacturing—what—time itself" I would like to know more, please. This sounds fascinating. Pg 20, "there were flat panels with buttons, runes and crystal socket" You know what sounds like a terrible idea? Randomly hitting those buttons. Pg 21, "be a part of designing the Crystal?" As in, designing how the house is in the Wall, or the Crystal as a whole? Slightly confused. Pg 21, " iteration was entirely made of crystal" If the iterations aren't in any specific order, maybe this one was the first, the base model? Or the numbering system is based off of their creation order, in which case, I am wrong. Pg 21, "It’s like it’s a model for all the other ones" Looks like I'm wrong. Pg 22, "She Xy clicked around the temple, the echoes of her xyr claws" Pronoun mishap. Pg 22, "if S converted from what his pocketwatch told him" Converted confused me until I remember that lightenings do not equal our hours. Then the next sentence erased any confusion. Pg 22, "Nothing here," $5 says if these extra rooms don't play any part in this book, they will end up coming to use sometime in the future. Pg 22, "waggled her xyr head flaps in agreement" I'm getting my pronoun practice in today. Pg 23, "dug to the side of the temple" Does that mean on the other side of the temple there is a latrine pit dug out? Does WW poop? Hmmm... I have unnecessary questions. Pg 24, "relied heavily on his old job in technical support" Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about this. Now I'm recalling his room full of boxes. Now I want to go reread Seeds. Pg 24, "in several ten-days" Understandable, considering the apocalypse is here. That and poor Auntie was kind of forgotten about due to stolen memories there for a hot sec. Pg 25, "an alien device probably thousands of years old" This makes me wonder...are there facets that are extremely technologically advanced? Or were they all wiped out/jumbled about when the last Apocalypse occurred? Pg 27, "and this used a similar processes." A vs plural noun. Pg 28, " one had a strange tendril dangling beneath it" I am betting it is the crystal one, and the dangle is how it is connected to the Crystal? Like a power generator? I dunno, the only other thing with tendrils I can think of is the diadem, which is also made out of crystal. Pg 28, "made entirely of crystal." Woot woot! I guessed correctly on which room! Now let's see if my tendril theory is correct. Pg 29, "xyr lights indicating interest.” Random extra quotation mark. Pg 29, "Or somewhen else?" Well, that's a creepy feeling. Could they potentially travel to the time before the last Apocalypse? Or into the future? My guess is past. Or maybe this room is just outside of the time stream completely? Pg 30, "someone had decided to install a hot tub, but never got around to filling it." What a waste. Hot tubs are awesome. Although I've never owned one. Are they a pain in the butt to clean? Pg 30, "the tail we saw trailing down from the temple" So...S and WW can travel through the Crystal. Does this mean this is...a slide, or an elevator? I'm thinking my idea of a power source is wrong. Pg 31, "he would have been a wet streak on one of the streets" Ooof, that's a visual. Pg 31, "Using another claw" vs On the other hand....I love it. Pg 32, "the diagram show what was on the other end?" Pg 32, " as it is has been beneath" Pg 33, "S and WW slipped beneath the House" Still hoping for a slide, thinking it's an elevator. Well, this has been an unexpectedly hard-hitting chapter. I see that as a strong sign of success, at least in regards to this one reader.

The usual disclaimer. I have no clue what anyone else thinks. Thoughts as I go: Introduction: I'm not sure why, but I really liked this one. Maybe it is because I never considered evolution, or maybe it just flows really nicely. Maybe I just really like V's POV? I don't have the knowledge or experience to say why I liked this introduction so, but I did. Pg 1, "miniature dancers, twenty-eight members" I love this species. It's my favorite species, which I think I bring up pretty much every time H.D. or T.D. appear, but it is true each time. Pg 2, "wanting to change her right now into one of the invaders" That is a fantastically bad idea. Suicidal even. Goes to show those voices aren't very sane. Pg 2, "Fine. Let’s go" This initially bothered me because she shakes her head before going, "Fine." So I do what I often do, I acted it out, and how she acted made sense. Still, it caused me to stumble, so I'm noting it. Pg 3, " was not salvageable." This gives me the sads. Pg 3, "he was trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice" This is only one step away from, "Gosh, Mom." Reminds me of my sister and I. Pg 3, "The voice quieted." Missing period. Pg 3, "Took me a bit to find the right stationary." Okay, until he showed that the stationary had a specific seal, I thought that M was being picky over paper texture or color. I was picturing Two Weeks Notice (which I haven't seen in forever) where the male lead can't decide between two envelope colors. Or at least I think it was that movie, don't quote me. Pg 4, "She was not just referring to the [masters] in the room." My poor baby...I just want to give her a hug. I want to give them all hugs. Pg 5, " an entire organ of bells" Two random things: 1) I love handbells and this makes me think of them and 2) my local college is auctioning off a 12,000lb organ. Organs crossed with bells is a funny thought. Pg 6, "I believe the Ari will be a valuable addition in fighting the Elg" I think that they'll be a valuable addition to society as a whole. Pg 6, "She has gotten worse, the past few days." No! Her introduction at the beginning of the chapter only makes me want to hear more from her! Pg 7, "quivered in worry." Quivered in worry or quivered with worry? I think that's just a stylistic choice. Pg 7, "They had grown attached to him" Aww, no wonder they behave better when he's around. Pg 8, "Even the instances in her." I wonder how many of them might have known V... Pg 8, " She felt almost nothing from him" Is this because of I or because of the diadem, though? If he is searching through it (which the previous sentence makes me believe he is), then maybe he can't connect with E as well. Kind of like how it is hard to have a conversation if you are concentrating on finding something in your phone, or something. Pg 8, "aid our facet against the invading aliens" Hmmm, somebody has turned into quite the politician. Rather cold-hearted of I. I almost expect that more from E, but considering he has how many decades - centuries - of memories from a politician to tap into, I am also not surprised. Pg 9, "she’d grown up in" Missing word. Pg 10, "had jammed the thing into his head" I loved the wording here. Such a strong, true visual image. Pg 10, "The Ari know the meaning of community" Oooh, ouch. As I blackmails them with the life of their leader, and E stands there in human form. Pg 10, " as open minded as them" Or as easy to blackmail... Pg 11, " though none contained his reflection" For now. Pg 11, "Now the tendrils interfaced all the way to his spine." Oh, well, that's slightly terrifying. The diadem grows. I have to wonder...if the diadem is made up of the same crystal, does this make it very difficult for I to break his back? Although, it doesn't mess with his flexibility...hmmm. Pg 12, "Had his body changed to what could best process the memories?" Oooh, good question... Pg 12, " meetings lasting cycles upon cycles" Oh my gosh, this sounds like some form of hell, at the very least purgatory. Ol' BP was a much better person than me to be involved in politics for literal centuries. Pg 13, "treasures forgotten" Hmm...maybe more artifacts like the diadem or S's ring? Pg 13, "dragging a personality down and smothering it into nothingness" No wonder BP stored all of those memories of board meetings. Pg 13/14 " It was the last meeting" I'm already sad going into this. Pg 14, "struggling to reconcile their differences" One group against change, one group accepting too much of it. I find it interesting and nice that they seemed to have balanced out decently in Facet #2, where growing an extra arm is fine but you mostly retain your original form. And, you know, don't absorb each other. Pg 14, " the bridge between the two was open for a short time" I wonder if it will even link up with new Facets... Pg 14, " gained from a secret repository" How did they get there, and what other secrets are buried? Pg 15, " knowing he would likely never again see his other instance." Uh oh, he's not thinking about E, is he? He's thinking like BP. Pg 15, " They rang like the finest crystal chiming together." Hmmm, what does hitting the Wall sound like? Could you potentially use it as a very strange drum? Pg 16, " Without looking at other." Incomplete sentence. Not sure if you are going for "Without looking at the others" "Without looking at his other instance" or what. Pg 16, "Some of our people are readying themselves" Ugh, I am not ready to watch Ari die... Off to Chapter 22 I go!

Bringing this thread back to what it was originally supposed to be, I would like to go on a short rant. A short rant for me, anyway. I recently returned a book on Libby because it made me so angry. I was less than halfway through. I originally picked up Spin the Dawn by Elizabeth Lim because it was originally described as "Mulan meets Project Runway." I was intrigued. "Sounds fun," I thought. I became quickly disappointed. First of all, YA rant. I'm sick of reading YA that has come out in the last few years that is so thinly plotted out and is a jumble of illogical character decisions. There is no excuse. Quality should and can be found in all age ranges and genres. Children of Blood and Bone by Tori Adeyem was marketed like crazy and seemed so promising and was complete trash. I mean, the villain and the MC hate each other for half the book, then fall madly in love in one chapter, promising to go to the ends of the earth for one another because they're bonded, before he decides to go betray her in the next chapter. I mean, this isn't a new problem, just look at Twilight. I have just come to the realization that I've probably outgrown YA. Second rant, which applies to every genre. Authors who don't do their research and editors who don't catch those mistakes. And I'm not talking about technobabble or some very specific thing that 98% of the audience won't catch. I'm talking basics. I returned Spin the Dawn because it called reins "leather straps." Now, in case you're new, I am completely horse crazy. But horse-crazy people aren't rare. It's not like 98% of the audience wouldn't know what reins are. What really gets my goat is that how long would it have taken the author, their agent, their editor, their beta readers, anyone to go look up what those leather straps that steer a horse is called. I mean, it isn't some specialty piece of tack like a martingale. It's reins!!! Horses are common!!! I can forgive a first draft, a second draft, a third draft for making mistakes. But when a book published by Penguin Random House lets something as obvious as reins miss the mark, I find it infuriating*. I mean, just do your research, people!!!! Google exists!!!! Also, if anyone wants to go on "Pretty prose doesn't necessarily make up for a thin plot and thinner characters" rant, somebody go read The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern because, wooohooo, boy, I would love to go on a rant about that book. *My friend has now named my reins rant the George Costanza rant, but I've never seen Seinfeld. Apparently it fits, so yay me.

Shards, I was 13 when this group was founded. That means I was in, what, 8th grade? Man, I am such a baby. On the other hand, says something about the quality of this group if it has been running for a decade and so many of you have been a part of it for years.

I have never critiqued for you before! Just so you know, I don't read the previous comments before I jump in, that way I am not biased. I know you didn't want a detailed critique, so I just put down my reactions. It's a good way to see how, as a reader, my viewpoint changes as the story continues. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, " It would be impossible for me to tell you my story" Based off of the aloof manner and the title, I am assuming the narrator is a cat. Pg 1, "equally miserable before he ends my life" Cat decides to torture his/her human. Excellent. Pg 1, " S was a ship's cat." Hold up, he's human but also a cat. I am assuming now that S is not a literal cat, but that he's more of a rat catcher or something. I am still under the impression the narrator is the cat. Pg 1, "being the ship’s human" This makes it sound like he is the only human. Is S a shapeshifter? Pg 1, "Old Earth pop song" Oh! This is screaming future! Is this sci-fi? I hope they're singing the Backstreet Boys. Pg 1, "other light perceiving organs" Ohhhh!!! S is the ship's human because everyone else is alien! This isn't probably a literal ship like I thought, but a spaceship! That makes so much more sense. Pg 1, " he faced the father of monsters" Hahahaha! I love it! Pg 2, "a story in the deep of space" This is a sci-fi story! Awesome! Which probably means my assumption that the narrator is a cat is false. Pg 2, " their job was as much as a security deterrent" So humans are dangerous? Treated like tamed wild creatures? Or more like a space bouncer that is nice when he can be and brutal when the job calls for it? Pg 2, " his semi automatic harpoon gun" I have to know what this looks like in real life. Pg 3, "at least as far as the insurance documents knew" Why does this instantly make me think that the ship took shortcuts and those doors are not 4/5 on safety ratings? Pg 3, " careful not to squeeze or jar them" Yes! Save the children! Pg 3, "maintained denial" Uh oh. What's worse than a comet? Pg 5, "just being human was enough" This reminds of fondly of Monsters Inc, where humans are the most terrifying things imaginable. Pg 6, "both gestures considered deeply threatening in most cultures." Awesome. Pg 7, "humans were a barely sentient species" Ooof, but also understandable. Pg 8, "accidentally, tore him in half." Whoops. Pg 9, "Politics are Politics after all." Oh man, I love this humor. Requested Questions: 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? I'm expecting a fairly light-hearted sci-fi story that is probably going to make me cry at the end when S and the narrator (presumably) bond, and then the narrator dies because of S. I'm expecting to continue to see wit, satire, and a humorous reflection on humanity. Hijinks are probably in order, as well as plenty of S-caused lawsuits. I mean, tone-wise, this reminds me of a sci-fi Percy Jackson in some ways. 2. What elements would you expect to see? Character-wise, I expect that the narrator continues to be his/her witty self but will probably end up bonding with S by the end. S strikes me as a kind individual with a quiet sense of humor (his storytelling) who just wants to get his job done right, but tends to bumble things (like tearing an invader in half). I figure there will be action, but it won't be completely serious, dark action unless the plot calls for it. I suspect S will get screwed over by politics, which is probably how he will meet the narrator. Maybe they'll hate each other at first, maybe they'll be forced to work together. I expect explosions, but purposeful and accidental. 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? Based off of the first page, I suspect the climax will be the S will kill the narrator, although whether that be because they are enemies, because S is a powerful human (accidental death? Like, dang, sorry I high-fived you so hard into that wall, bud), or because S has to do it to save the world, we'll see.

@PiedPeterPiper Welcome! Glad you're joining us! Ender's Game was one of the first non-Anne McCaffrey sci-fi books I read. Orson Scott Card might have many opinions I do not share, but I've learned a lot from his writings. I too am an avid cat vacuumer. I hope you haven't procrastinated to the point where you write every word on an index card and have started switching them around.

I'd like to say thank you for joining! Man, do I feel this one. You should read the first draft of my story just so you can see just how utterly horrendous mine was before the first round of revisions. Heck, it's still crazy flawed. I'm trying to remember if you had joined by the time I posted my first chapter a month ago, and everyone was confused on if the MC was even human, and if cannibalism was an issue. I'm a bit of a hobby artist, in case you didn't know, and I like to look at writing the same way I do art sometimes. Think of your experience this way: you've studied the masters, you know all about color theory and fancy brush strokes and all there is to know about paint, but nothing can replace sheer practice. I learned so much from the beginning of August 2019, when I first began writing my story, to now. I can only imagine what I'll know in another year, five years, ten.

I have not critiqued for you before! Just so you know, I dive in without reading anyone else's comments, that way I am not biased by their opinions. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, " metal head pistons churn gears" Okay, you haven't given me any summary of what to expect in this via email or this post. First real sentence, I'm thinking steampunk, sci-fi, dystopian, modern day, or future genre. Pg 1, "a metal body of memory" Alright, I'm leaning steampunk or a future with robots. Pg 1, "Like machinery." Alright, we have some mechanical that isn't quite a machine but that has some semblance of consciousness or at least is alive in some context. Said not-machine has been wandering a trench for ages. I'm picturing Howl's Moving Castle. Pg 1, " The song of the spark" Howl's Moving Castle vibes has increased. Pg 2, "They called me Protector" The story begins with a man who either has or is going to be fired. Either way, he has obviously failed at his job. Causality number: unknown, but likely high. Pg 2, " its twisting copper wires severed" Definitely thinking steampunk, or an urban fantasy like Foundryside. We've got a (machine?) monster on the loose? Pg 2, "A single blow, lord, and the city is ours." Alright, he's fired not for gross incompetence, but because he's betrayed the city he was sworn to protect. Somebody told him it wasn't going to be as bad as it obviously is. Pg 2, "they needed me at HH." Hmmm...coordinated attacks at multiple places? I'm trying to get a sense of what is going on, but I feel like I have more questions than answers so far. Let's see if any of those questions (who, what, where, when, why, how) get answered. Pg 3, "the ruins of the king’s palace" Alright, so we've got a coup going on? More than just a monster escaping? Pg 3, "You burned it down" Along with a good chunk of the city, by the sounds of it. I'm leaning urban fantasy - the sort that mixes a dash of steampunk with a dash of medieval all placed into a city. Pg 3, "its roots twining around her fingers" Alright, we've added magic to the mix now. Plant magic at least. Pg 4, "It stood taller than a building." How tall is the average building here? A story? Three? Ten? A skyscraper? Pg 4, "its eyes were red pinpricks staring from a bronze carapace" I'm getting heavy The Great Library vibes. Still trying to grasp what kind of book this is. Pg 4, "It was not the crude creation he had imagined" I need more information. Is it in the shape of a man? A woman? A minotaur? An ape? This is an automatron? What does it run on? Is it spewing smoke? Steam? Is it magic based??? Is it destroying things, or is it wandering through the rubble of the city that D burned??? Pg 4, "vaguely reminiscent of a frozen lightning bolt" Alright, we've got more magic. Does everyone have magic or is this a rare thing? Pg 4, " You destroyed the city but not its people." Waaaaait...is the city evacuated? Everyone except for the king's children? What is going on here??? Pg 5, "He looked back to the giant" So it is man shaped? I am picturing the Iron Giant. Pg 5, "Not making the same mistake twice." Killing children is not equal to killing a robot??? Or is he talking about something else??? Pg 5, " refugees throughout the city" So they weren't evacuated??? Pg 5, "Then it was over and silence rolled in" Something blowing up? A teleportation machine? Magic? Is lightening going across the sky normal???? Pg 5, " the giant which they had crafted followed them into the world" So the giant is friendly??? Or at least neutral? Is the giant the thing wandering the Trench? Does someone control it or does it control itself? Chapter One - Alright, the prologue raised a concerning amount of unanswered questions. Let's see if we can get some answers? Pg 6, "A dropped his arm, frowning down at the lines of chalk on the floor." Magic involving...hand motion (mental focus) and chalk? Chalk was not needed for the previous two characters. Pg 6, " unorthodox devices" What is an unorthodox device in this world? I don't even know what sort of technological time period we are in. I'm beginning to get frustrated, since I feel like I have a new question every paragraph. Pg 6, "The triskelion wanted answers" The tri-twist Celtic symbol! I remember this from visiting Ireland and Scotland. Is this the name of an organization? A cult? A person? Pg 6, "running fingers through his hair." What color hair? What does this fellow look like? Is he old? Young? Pg 6, "straightening his outfit." What counts as an outfit here? Is he wearing robes? A suit? His pajamas? Pg 7, " heliophysicist" A scientist who studies the sun? Pg 7, "three-sun conjunction" There are three suns in this world? Is this a desert planet? Must be brutally hot. Pg 7, "The King’s campaign" This must be a new king, since I thought the last king died when the city was burned. Pg 7, "Some new blasphemy is it?" Stone magic is illegal? Or chalk magic? Or all magic? Pg 7, "whole detoxification debacle" Erm, like those coffees that make you poop to lose weight, or something else? Pg 7, "The king was looking for the gods." Okay, so old Steely was the old king who died in the city fire? Pg 7, "three-sun conjunction in combat manoeuvres" Hold up, does this mean using three suns to blind people, or does this mean using three mirrors to turn sunlight into a melt-everything-beam? Pg 7, "you know how combat scenarios work." Um, hi there, I don't. Are we fighting with footsoldiers? Tanks? Calvary? Air force? Robots? Magic? Pg 8, "To purify the slum’s water supply." Okay, that's neat. But why is that heretical? Again, is it all magic or just certain types of magic? Pg 8, "The man was trying to blackmail him!" But why? Why would you want someone whose name is smeared to write the foreword to your book??? Who's is a heretic? What does this guy get out of it? Why A? Why is A so important? Pg 8, "The sun" Just one sun? I thought there were three? Pg 9, " p-l’s soft neck fur" The what now? Google comes up with nothing. Is this like a platypus crossed with an axolotl? What does that even look like? Pg 10, " Even a scratch could kill, in time." You know, that sounds pretty important to get removed if you are constantly having people get mowed over by this creature. Pg 10, "dark whereas his was the characteristic grey" I finally know a little bit of what A looks like! Still don't know if he is young or old or handsome or ugly, though. Pg 10, " the precious metal" Noted: iron is a rare metal. Pg 11, " to contact with a h-s" A what now? I am now expecting this word to pop up more with no explanation, which is bad. Is this a person? A creature? A plant? A type of stone? Something to do with the sun? Pg 11, "We don’t know what it will do." Hold up, he's building something that he doesn't even know the purpose of? What is going on here??? Pg 11, " the touch of refracting h-m" Whatcha know, there's that word again, dropped with no context clues for me to even figure it out. Pg 11, " The triskelion’s favour." Okay, so this is a person, not a organization or a cult. Is this a legal person, or is A wrapped up in illegal activities? Pg 12, "three-way conjunction" I still don't know what this is!!! Pg 12, "pre-Stilling technology" What is this? I am so confused. Pg 12, "Willow bark won’t work on it either." Okay, no modern medicine. I'm a great proponent of the old advice of "Show, don't tell" but I need some telling because otherwise I have no clue what is going on. I mean, look how many of my comments are questions! I had 84 questions, if I counted correctly... There's 145 question marks on this entire page, including previous comments. This seems to be a well planned, lively world that I just can't see because I don't have enough details. I feel like everything must be so alive in your head, but I'm trying to see the same beautiful vista through a thick, frustrating fog. My biggest struggle is that I have no clue what this story is about - there is so much but I have no clue what the stakes are, what A's motivations really are, like, anything. I mean...I don't even have enough information to make a strong claim to what genre this is. I mean...A is working on something that is maybe magical, maybe illegal, but I don't know why or why it is important. The only real stakes I see is his pet might get put down???

Yup, sounds good to me!

Ooooh!!!! Strawberries, zucchini...what else are you growing? Tomatoes? Squash? Why are some in gardening boxes and others not? I admit, I'm massively jealous. I unfortunately inherited my mother's brown thumb. My sister has a flourishing green thumb, and is growing yellow squash, two types of tomatoes, garlic, onion, a vast garden of other plants I don't know the name of, and a 2ft avacado tree she grew from a pit. Her boyfriend and roommates have forbidden her from getting anymore plants, but she always manages to sneak them in. I have a ball of java moss in a jar that isn't dead yet.

I think so? I'm not sure. C was originally a deer in the outline, but there used to be another deer-like character, so C became a coyote therio. I grew up listening to coyotes yap and howl when I was a child. Fixing this. To quote myself from earlier comments, "I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies." Therio: half-human, half-animal, such as a minotaur, centaur, and sphinx. C, Go, and Gr are all examples of therios. In this case, Fey is referring to a slang term for someone who is heartless. I need to make this clear. To quote my notes: "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." However, many believe that the BK is Fey, which means that somehow he escaped the Feylands, where the Fey are trapped. Others believe he was cursed, while some think he was blessed by a foreign deity. Essentially: the BK is a controversial figure that has yellow eyes and dragon teeth. No normal unicorn looks like that. The question is...why does he look like that? This is always a fear of mine, which was a massive problem in Draft Two's Chapter 1. I still need to go through and make things as clear as possible. Just because I have a character reference page on my website does not mean I get to be lazy. I want it to be so that the website is fun to explore if one is curious, but not necessary to finish the book. Thank you @Turin Turambar

I'm glad that the tension works. I've read and reread this book so much that sometimes I can't feel the tension anymore. Family reveal is definitely getting cut down. I'm going to 1) make it harder for her to tell everyone what she wants without breaking the contract because I love making characters suffer and 2) she didn't quite break the contract but she got close, and I'll make it clear just how firm the boundaries are in Draft Three. Decay/decaying is one of their curse words, stemming from their religion. Their deity's statues always have the runes "Growth" and "Decay" carved or painted on them. To reference my notes, Decay! or Rav’s decay! – “Decay! I hate that man!” “Rav’s decay, I am going to kill her when she gets home!” A sharply negative exclamation considered inappropriate by most parties. References the “decay” rune carved into Rav statues or tattooed onto priests. Decaying – “I can’t believe I decaying lost!” A foul adjective or adverb that is incredibly rude. A derivative of the curse word, “decay.” I need to go through and make curse words/slang more clear. For instance, the BK isn't literally Fey, but the term is used to describe anyone who is heartless and cruel. This comes back to be setting the world/world's rules better. "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." Planet changed to world. However, yes, there are nine planets in all, including the world. https://worldofalturas.com/alturas/the-greshin-system/ I love that honey bee line. I hope it makes the cut. Thank you @kais

Yup, absolutely fixing this. To quote myself from both Robinski and Shattersmooth: "I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies." I've only revised Chapters 1-3 so far, but I'm definitely buckling down on the former government, the current government, and the consequences of war. I'm trying to lay out the world and its rules much clearer right from the get go. Luckily for me, there was lots of exposition and unnecessary scenes that could be switched for world- and tension-makers. Thank you @Mandamon

This makes me hopeful, considering I have other chapters I like better XD I'm relieved that this story is working. It's hard to be objective about your own work. Especially since this is my first finished book. This reminds me of a scene in the previous draft where Ir says some stuff that definitely breaks the contract, and she did it in a busy public bathhouse. That scene got completely scrapped and I rewrote the scene from scratch in a much more logical setting. I bet I can make this one more watertight without getting overly wordy. Agree! This too. I didn't realize the bee king was Fey. I'm going to copy what I wrote on Robinski's comments because I am lazy: "I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies. I have already cleared this up (I hope) in Draft Three chapters 1-3. To quote my notes, "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." Thanks @shatteredsmooth

Stomach knots fixed. I'm hoping to cut a lot of unnecessary sentences, as well as spruce up word choice. I cracked myself up at "imagine." Maybe my fingers wanted those contracts to be imaginary... I never saw a double post, but I've definitely done that before. Thank you @TheDwarfyOne Love the username, fyi.

The reaction problem is an easy fix. I need to go through an clean up every character's reactions and make sure that they are true to their personality. I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies. I have already cleared this up (I hope) in Draft Three chapters 1-3. To quote my notes, "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." I had never heard of that name before now, so thank you. I originally named one of the mountain ranges Hamish, but that's going to change because that definitely is a recognizable real name. I'm already pushing it with Ir's name. I ironically hate it when the narrator - whether it be in third person limited or omniscient - call them parents by Mom and Dad or the like because it pulls me out of the story. I'm always like, "That's not my Mom and Dad." It would be interesting to take a survey to see what readers generally prefer... Planet changed to world. Gracias. There's a lot of maid-and-butler problems I'm going through and fixing. I cut the entire dinner scene from Chapter One that was a massive maid-and-butler scene. There's a subplot I especially need to fix that'll come up in about...seven chapters(?) that needs a massive override. It's such a plothole that it looks like a cannonball went through the wall of my metaphorical book ship. Thank you @Robinski