Sarah B

I've read a few books that tie directly to the works of Lovecraft (The Fold and 14 being my favorites), it can be a fun mini trope :-) You might just be cautious of invoking Lovecraft if the tone of your story isn't conpatable with the existential terror/psychological horror that he was known and loved for. Not for any ethical reasons, just to avoid disappointing readers who might get drawn in by the promise of a Lovecraft-like story. That's just my opinion though. It would be sort of like reading a book featuring Sherlock Holmes characters, but with no mystery.

@Turin Turambar I'm far from one of the pros here, but in case it's useful, I'll take a shot at answering too. How rough: I try to keep momentum once I start writting, so I'll use parentheses or 'TK' to fill in things I don't know yet or have forgotten. My first drafts end up looking pretty bare with mostly dialogue and only the broad strokes of the action (my weakest skill). If I know a location or a description I'll stop and write it in but if not I keep going and fill it in later. Now that I'm more focused on editing, I wish I wrote cleaner first drafts. Plotting: I write scifi, so most of my stuff focuses on a core question or concept that I want to explore. That's where I start. Then I add one or more characters that would be involved in that question. From there, I get ideas of things that I want to have happen, cool little moments. Those are my tent poles. If its complicated, I make an index card for each thing that I know has to happen and put them into a big deck. As I finish writing to that point, I will throw the card away. That's where my planning stops. Then I jump in and see where it takes me between index cards, sometimes nowhere near where I thought. Often the cards have to be changed or revised. Per writing excuses advice, I have been trying to apply Dan Wells' 7-point story structure when I get bogged down or lost (usually mid/late second act). This is also helpful for making me realize how many sub-plots I have started without noticing :-) I tried the "story genius" method a bit, but it is way too organized for me. I do like her method of writing three back story scenes first, the end second, and then everything else. I hope to use this going forward to write stronger character arcs. I'm still stumbling my way to a method, but that's what I've got so far :-)

I didn't want to skew my critique, so I haven't read any of the other comments yet. Sorry if there are repeats. First paragraph: It would be nice to be reminded what Q's drug of choice is called rather that 'the drug' if it's going to be a recurring element. There are quite a few qualifying words used. 'Nearly', 'almost' and 'somewhat' all soften the impact of the sentence. I'm guilty of these myself, so that's probably why I notice them. Note: probably :-) "Peices of the man flew off." Hard to picture without specifics. "Green thing lifted her" something to give me an idea of what to picture would be nice. Ie: A cloud, a blob, a figure "His moment of victory over two AoD..." isn't G still in play? He was getting up last we saw him. Chapter 5: "Hoping to get lost in the crowd and lose him." Repeat Meat sheild. Love the term, not loving the MC that uses one. "His vision went black." The MC is disoriented so I understand the intent, but as a reader I found this paragraph hard to track. "Hooking his arm where he heard..." hooking his arm toward where he heard? Same sentence: "Not stopping... didn't" double negative "He had a metal..." lots of 'he' gets hard to follow in this paragraph. "Q slipped a toxin" Sorry, I am having a hard time with this. Into his hand itself? A syringe? The fight scene that happens next feels jumbled. Chapter 6: Not sure why the fingers gloves are flagged anothe strange part. "He could barely fight three" Wheren't there four? G, B, R and M? Not sure why the bad guys are discussing their hierarchy in front of Q. A lot is happening! The fantasy elements being thrown in was a suprise. I'm still not attatched to Q, especially after using 'meat sheilds', so the fights left me cold. I like how the story is moving with clear purpose. Thanks for sharing

You do that too! I write alone so I only recently realized I do this :-) For me, it's mainly facial expressions but I also find myself moving my neck and head around as though I'm talking for them while I write dialogue. Do you ever catch yourself using a character's speach patterns after writing?

It was nice to have a big peice of the story at once! A few things I noticed: "Do you know what that is?" Followed by Ir's reaction is a bit confusing since BK is talking. Sorry if this is alread addressed, but it seems like handling knives wouldn't necessarily mean handling iron or an alloy. Most knife work in the kitchen I know of, you only touch the handle which rarely has very much exposed metal on the outside. The little there is seems like it could be covered without much effort. The last two segments feel like they need a page break or maybe a new chapter. The file I got ended abruptly, so I'm not sure what happens at the end. Or was that just a cliffhanger :-) Thanks for sharing

I feel so old :-) No worries! It's just an old cartoon about a space adventurer /super hero. I don't think there is anything new since the 90's and it was hoaky even back then. The similar sounding name just struck me in the nostalgia.

Mar's Heart: This one is just fun, it reads like a sea shanty. In my head, it goes to the Tune of "Pump Shanty" Three lines jumped out at me as not fitting as well as the rest: 1st stanza, last line 2nd stanza, first line 6th stanza, third line Jack: I can't think of much to say on this one, there's an interesting shift in the third stanza and then the 5th. I like the moody imagery. The editor: I can say that I not only recognize the song, I have heard it in vinyl :-) I think you're drafting the first track on the official reading excuses sound track. Thanks for sharing

Welcome! The pacing and tone is very consistant. It reminds me of Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan or John Carter series with an unstoppable hero leading the reader along to show off the imaginative setting. The prologue is by far my favorite section. The only part that stuck out to me was the "coherant" lines which didn't flow as well as the rest. Chapter 1: I have to agree that.a page break would be useful between POVs. Otherwise a good hand off though. "The SH dead" this part of the blocking was a bit confusing. Since the SH on the right is already mentioned as dying, I assumed this was the left one. Is SH a reference to Space Ghost? Just curious. "And yet they are both seen as the same." This seems like a comment out of POV. Chapters 2 and 3 The space hat also confused me, as well as picturing someone wearing a trench coat over a space suit that sounds a bit like a wet suit. M can see Q's face well enough to describe the stubble, so I'm assuming there is some sort of helmet with a transparent face sheild and a hat on top of that. "My mother likes to send them to me..." this line stood out to me as oddly young and whimsical for a character that seemed task oriented until now. You definetly have your action blocking down! I liked how you didn't get too bogged down in the motion by motion and kept the scenes moving. Thanks for sharing

I have to second the comment about Ir's injuries. Rib injuries can last for weeks and arm swinging and waving with bruised ribs is not fun. Depending on how bad, neither is raising your voice or breathing. Sometimes binding around the ribs with long strips or koban (modern) can help take the edge of the pain, so long as it's not too tight. Nice inclusion of asprin in Ir's treatment! A lot of people forget how long people have used it as medicine. Cocaine leaves were also used as early analgesics, chewed or topically, just in case that's helpful. The unprocessed leaves are still used as a medicinal tea for migrains and altitude sickness in some areas. Not much for me to add besides what's been said. I actively dislike S as a character, which makes her a solid antagonist, if only to emotionally sabotage Ir. The fact that I find myself cringing when she shows up tells me you are doing your job as a writer and making me worry for Ir. Well done! Thanks for sharing

My bad. Sorry about that. I am wrestling with Scrivnr but I will check more carefully next time. I've either missed or forgotten what WRS means... nope, I've not nothing. I have a general idea from context though. Ha! Ok, I had not considered that. Not really applicable here but that's a good catch. Good notes. Thanks for reading!

@kais Yeah, I'm not loving this chapter either. I thought it was a necessary evil, but maybe there's another way around it. Thanks for reading!

All good points. I definitely have a flow of information problem. Thank you for reading!

Good point. They are aware of viruses. I had assumed that having seen so many alien biomes, they would consider Viruses to be alive since they nearly meet the qualifications by our current definitions. This is a really unnecessary confusion point though and it makes much more sense to just change the line :-) It's good to know what parts need more fleshing out, Thanks for your careful reading and your comments!

@Snakenaps Thank you for your critique! It's great to know what visuals need work. I was trying to be clever with the Sa but it didn't work out. By describing Bast*** as "a Sa word" I meant to show that they were human, but call themselves something different. Sab** = Sapien = homo sapiens It's a shame that didn't work out, but I think it was one of those things that was better in my head :-) Thanks for reading!

@Mandamon Great notes, thank you! The suicide part is still an issue for multiple readers. In short, no one is actually suicidal, but to D they seem to be. I am trying to write D as an unreliable narrator, and it's not working out very well. This is a skill I would love to have, but I still need to work on at a craft level I think. thanks for reading!

Wow, not much I can add for this chapter that hasn't already been said. This read very well to me, and pulled me along. Ready for the next chapter anytime :-) One small catch: "It had been like the ocean..." had been reads awkwardly here to me. 'Was' maybe? Thanks for sharing

Prologue: An interesting start! I like the idea you present that these blessings didn't have to be swords and the possibilities that opens up. At first read, I didn't understand that TTM was there and speaking, I thought they were just being referred to. It made sense on the second pass though. S speaks very well for someone with a stab wound in their chest and who is being crushed. Chapter 1: I'm able to understand the first few paragraphs, but I think only because I've read the previous draft. There is a lot of new information in a very short space on the page. This is something I'm guilty of too, so I feel your pain. In this draft, I'm not sure if M and O are friends, employees or what the relationship is to V. V seems to recover very quickly from urination terrified to planning what to do next. I'm not sure if this rings true to me. This draft is definetly more kinetic and impactful. I don't know of I would have been able to track it without previous knowlege of the story though V's voice is much clearer and consistent and I feel like I know him better here that before. Thanks for sharing!

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask, but what is the threshold for a language warning? I assume anything considered 'swearing' would count, but what about world specific insults or cursing? Ie nonsense words that are used as swearing. Also, what about derivatives like 'dang'? Thanks!

Hello, nice to see more of your work! The poem: My only experience with poetry is fairly traditional and limited to basic composition. Same goes for the poetry I read for pleasure. I thought the concept was tragic and lovely. I struggled to understand the form. I experimented with reading outloud, quickly and slowly, and couldn't find any rhythm to the syllable pattern. A few words in particular like "fossilization" read awkwardly to me when reading outloud. I counted the lines out, to see if my accent was the problem (we clip a lot of sounds in my area) but the syllables pattern and stanza lenght seems pretty random. The same for any rhyming or repeated sounds. I may be missing the point though. I'm not, to my own detriment, familiar with modern poetry or its rules. I enjoyed the repeated line "I was very young..." One typo I think on page 2: eho instead of echo Prequel: There is a nice tone and some great word pictures here. I liked the attention you put into the dragon POV's word choice. That was some nice world building. I agree with Kais that this feels like it could be embedded into the main story, maybe as a legend, story, or epic poem? I'm not a fantasy reader though, so take anything from me with a grain of salt :-) Thanks for sharing!

@Snakenaps @sniperfrog Happy Nanowrimo to you too! I've been trying word sprints for the first time. Still not sure how I like them, but it does make a nice bump in word count.

I have to agree about Wa's POV. It also makes the time line confusing because it feels like Wa is in battle, then dry in the castle, then back outside again with no time passage. I like where you are going with Wa's character, but it may be more impactful if the gentler side isn't revealed until later and if we have a chance to see him as something of fear and dread first. I feel like knowing that he prefers not to kill takes some of the tension away from S's situation. Some page breaks would help the jump between POVs as well. At least between Wo and S's last POV is one paragraph to the next. "Her revolutionaries" was S the leader of her cell? I missed that. I was also a bit confused by S's final thoughts since the story began with an assasination attempt. Wasn't that attempt also by the revolutionaries? If the revelation is that S is now taking a leadership roll and intends to act on her own regardless of what her higher up's have planned, there might need to be a bit more here. So glad to see you're continuing! Looking forward to the next chapter!

Oooh, good word! I'm going to have to start using it.

Hello All! Does chapter 1 still need work? Yes, yes it does. Am I subbing chapter 2 instead? Yes, yes I am. Thank you for all the comments for chapter 1. It's going to take me some time to sort out exactly what to do with that chapter, so I'm going to leave it for now and loop back around later. Possibly, I'll wait until after nailing down the ending 2nd/3rd draft to make sure there's some symmetry between them. So here is chapter 2. I'm not sure what the threshold is on language warning, so I added a mild language tag just in case. This chapter is not original to draft one, but a sort of aftermarket patch to hopefully smooth out some issues :-)

Well, if I have two engineer's endorsements, maybe D can have their old job back :-) Vague and technical makes sense. As a fan of Star Trek and Doctor Who, I love handwavium :-) I have to ask, what is 'nouse'? I looked it up and mainly got the definition of a mouse controled by head movements for quardraplegic people. Deeply curious what it means in this context :-) Thanks again!

yes, much more work to be done. Thank you for catching all those slips! Its funny, because I had to reread both to find the problem even after you pointed them out. I'm going to look hard into draft three with this advice in mind, especially your point about D needing a clear direction to make up for a gruff personality. Thank you!