Channelknight Fadran

I want to scudding cuss

So once upon a time the planet was a whole lot colder. There was snow and ice and stuff EVERYWHERE. Sometime around now-ish, a bunch of people decided to casually walk from Russia to Alaska and start inhabiting the area. Then it all melted, so they were all stuck there.

This, presumably, is where all the indigenous folks come from... unless you're a MotCoJCoLDS, in which case they also came from these Book of Mormon dudes. If we accept this as historical canon, this is likely where most of the eastern natives came from (i.e. the folks Mr. Columbus ran into).

So now we get to the dry period where stuff happened. I know incredibly little about the native populations' histories. There were probably some wars and such, alliances, trade routes. You've got all sorts of different tribes, who made all sorts of different houses. Out west there're Pueblos (rock towns) and cliff dwellings (towns inside the rocks), but I don't know who used which ones.
Fun fact, though: the New Mexican flag's sun symbol was pretty much just flat-out stolen from the Zuni peoples. We salute the power of plaigarism.

Meanwhile, a lot of scud happens back east. I dunno if any of y'all mormons noticed, but the inhabitants on the coast did not like each other that much. They were ALWAYS fighting. Pretty much everyone got wiped out, leaving literally ONLY MORMON HIMSELF to finish writing on his golden plates, bury them, and then die alone in a cave somewhere.

At some point the vikings come around. I don't really know what they were doing or anything, but, like...

Vikings, man.

1492! Columbus sails the ocean blue, because he knows that the world is round and wants to prove it! Except that's a lie and it's stupid.

Correction: Chris Columbus was actually just the first modern American, because he thought about how the earth was round and thought to himself...

Hey... what if we could make money off of this?

So he was looking for India, then stumbled upon some tiny islands and decided to be somewhat friendly to the locals! The ones that took him and his crew in got the friend treatment; their enemies, on the other hand, got the gun treatment.

Everyone got the disease treatment.

Cue colonization! The French and Spanish started fighting over the areas, claiming each area ravenously. The French got most of the Mississippi area out to the Pacific Ocean, while the Spaniards claimed the southwest and Mexico. Along the way, the conquistadors kept killing people. Onate enslaved tons of locals and inducted them into the "true" church (and chopped off some feet along the way), others ransacked pueblos... Some of them popped down to South America to ransack that!

By the time the British got there, pretty much all the indigenous population had been subjected. They claimed the east coast (which the spanish and french... hadn't for some reason???), creating thirteen colonies. The colonists became their own people, defining themselves by their colony (I'm a Virginian! I'm a West Virginian!).

[Meanwhile, in Europe, for context]:

So then the British clapped the Spanish and send them reeling, then turned their sights to France. They fought long and hard, and ate up ALLLLLLL their reserve funds. Fortunately, they had lots of slave colonies back west, so they started taxing the heck out of the americans. This worked well enough for them to clap the French - it didn't work well enough to make the americans appreciate it.

In response to such things as the Stamp Act (stamp taxes!), they decided to riot a little bit. After someone misheard their orders in Boston, a bunch of schmucks got shot and killed, then decided to tack the word "massacre" to it. Paul Revere made a cool metal engraving of it - go check that out.

In response to that, this dude called Sam Adams got together a bunch of angry locals to attack a merchant ship docked at the Boston Harbor. They yeeted all the tea into the harbor, then decided to tack the word "party" to it.

And then in response to that, the British closed down the harbor completely, essentially ctrl+alt+delete-ing half of the americas' entire economy. They sent a bunch of troops in as well, forcing the locals to provide food and shelter for the men.

Nobody liked that.

Some insurgents picked up their weapons and decided to fight back. At Lexington, some dudes stood down a small British force. They all aimed their muskets at each other (essentially point-blank, too - old gunfights were really dumb), and then someone misfired.

Shot heard 'round the world! Nobody knows who did it!

The American Revolution had begun.

7:34, I think. That's not terrible right?

I'm currently doing the B-Sides and such.