Mandamon

Beowulf--looks like an interesting idea. The split into 4 pieces reminds me a little of the Deathgate Cycle (Weiss and Hickman). Robinski has a good point in that these are two godlike beings, but something else is more powerful than they are. So there's some extra worldbuilding needed as to why there's some other god that's more powerful and they don't about him. What sort of characters are you thinking of writing about? I ask because there's a lot of magical/strong creatures here, and it's often not as interesting to read about someone all-powerful. Or rather (as Sanderson says) the limitations are more interesting than the abilities. So if your POV character is the son, or one of the Sunborn or Alphas, I want to know about their limitations, not their special powers. Something that's helped me a lot recently is to figure out where you're going with the story. There's a prophecy, which begs the question of who made it, and why, but is the object of the story to fulfill or block the prophecy, or something else entirely? If it's something else, then you've given us backstory or a prologue, but nothing about the main plot. Anyway, this was just some rambling thoughts I had, so take them or leave them. I'll be interested to see some more fleshed out parts of the story.

Glad you like the differences between the sisters. That was really fun to write. Good point on ages. I can add a few sentences in about how long people live. Thanks!

Chapter 12 Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. Thanks for any comments!

If we have space, I'll ask to submit the next chapter, of course, but hopefully some new blood will be around.

Yay! More participants!

Hinting at a loose rung would certainly give the reader a hint of foreshadowing. Depends on how jarring you want the death to be,

Ha! Thanks for catching that, gwslow. "Dyeing" is a strange word to type. Glad you like the contrast between the POVs. You'll find out some more about Gemeti next time.

I figured that would give you a quandary, Robinski ;-) I really hated splitting this chapter up, since it all works well together. @rdpulfer: I really liked Gemeti when she became a character. You'll find out more about her soon! Glad you picked up on all the little interactions. Hopefully that means I achieved what I wanted in the characterization. Good point on the first few sentences. I'll see if I can clear that up.

Generally, I have similar comments to rdpulfer. I really like the prose style in this and the previous story, but I'm not sure how much the flashback adds at this time. Pg 2: It seems strange the Blacklake is the one to find Anna. Where were her parents? Also, she died by a foot getting twisted in the ladder and banging her head, as far as I can tell. It seems a little plot-convenient, but it's hard to tell. It's something that might actually happen, vs. the meaningful death we usually see in stories. Pg 8: I think you're transitioning back to the present here? I know this has been divided up among a couple weeks, but also, it's a long enough section that we might need a little more prompting. I also don't remember what meeting he was supposed to go to. I'm interested to see how things develop with Judith. I'm also glad she doesn't take any of Rutland's crap...

You get a whole chapter this week! Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town and decide to dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search the town for Hbelu. Let me know what you think.

I can do next week, if no one else wants to... Also, I've submitted every week since Jan 19th. Other people should submit things here!

Overall, this is interesting backstory, and as always, well written (save the comma splices rdpulfer notes--I've been eyeing those as well, in this and in Waifs and Strays). However, this is also a big jump from the previous story you've been telling. I'm fine with a story within a story, but maybe have more warning that you're going to take a chapter off to describe things far in the past. Some other notes: Pg 1: John? What happened to Rutland? I'm guessing you'll get to this eventually, but might be nice to have a reminder in there somewhere that yes, we are reading about the same man. Especially since you only refer to him as "Blacklake" before you start the flashback. pg 2: imperative to keep their workface at the clay face shovelling kaolin - I assume "workforce" (though rdpulfer has a different theory, I see). Also, is kaolin supposed to be some made up clay-product, or is that some other real thing? pg 7: His father was talking of sending James to boarding school in Exeter, he had a new protégé it seemed, which was fine with John, but his father still commended his progress - a little confused here. I assume his father had a new protege. Had to read this a few times to realize you meant the younger brother was the protege. --also the next paragraph has a confusing shift. You've been talking about his father, and then say "One day they met without John’s tutor." I assumed he was meeting with his father, until you showed that it was Anna. Pg 10/11: So I assume I know where them being together is going...I'm a little surprised her mother suggested Blacklake wait in the barn. Does she know what's going on? --ok, her mother calls her, but still. I would not send a young suitor to an enclosed area out of sight with my daughter... Pg 11: "John Blacklake’s eyes were dark," I can't tell who this is, since they are both John. You clarify later with "Young John," but you haven't been talking about Rutland consistently like that before now. In all, this is interesting, but I'm more eager to see what happens to the older miserable, vampire-ish Blacklake than his young yet-to-be-broken self.

Thanks! Yes, I've had a few comments on use of pronouns. I'll need to clear that up. Belili is meant to be sort of aloof, but I agree, she's a little overboard here. I'll correct that. rdpulfer: I'm caught up to the end of Blue Yonder--waiting for more!

Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are ambushed soon out of the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters come back to the camp the next morning, try out their magic, and with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. Thanks for reading, and I welcome all comments.

Anyone else for next week? I'll submit again if no one else wants to.

@ gwslow and rdpulfer: I now have a 3:1 ratio of readers who don't agree with Nidintu showing up...It made sense to me when I wrote it, but looks like I need to go back and figure out what to change. Good catch about no reaction from Belili with regard to Hbelu's capture. I'll edit that. Oops! A didn't actually mean to submit this part, but good to have a reaction to it anyway. There are minor spoilers for the end of the book, but not that much. Glad to have a differing opinion from Robinski ;-) I'll just have to plan to get to a "high babsk"...

Not as many notes this time and they are more general, so I'm posting here. Pg 1: Interesting thoughts Re. why Rutland doesn't sleep. Food for thought. He's passive again for this whole entry, even more so that last time, as it's a dream sequence. Even in the dream, he is led by Sabine, rather than trying to resist at all. I'm not sure I completely understand what's happening with Tarquin and the girl and Rutland. Tarquin reaches into his chest and then...? Does something else happen? How does that kill the girl? You give a content warning here, but honestly, it could be a little more graphic, just to explain what's going on. I'm not quite sure what powers Tarquin and Sabine have. Not that we need to know everything, but can they control other's minds? Make them do things they wouldn't want to? What benefit did Rutland get from being there--not sleeping? I couldn't tell whether this was the ceremony of turning him into a vampire, or what. I'm still liking the story, but this is sort of a lull chapter right after the beginning, so the pace is slowed even more than before. I'm still wondering what the main plot of this story will be about.

Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days, and discover Kisare has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are ambushed soon out of the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. Thanks for any comments!

All well-earned.

That's why it's in the name...;-)

Thanks to you both for the comments. Glad to know you've got it (gwslow, you're exactly right on the numbers and explanation). I've had two other readers that I don't think got the relation between one hair color / one Fruit type / one power, and are confused as to which power is activated. Maybe as rdpulfer says I should make more repetition of what hair does what. There is actually an appendix in the back of the book with the entire chart written out, but it's a little spoilery for the end of the book and I wanted to see if readers had trouble following. Glad to see some different reactions! Thanks again.

Forgot to mention something before. Don't computers have a lot of iron (or steel) in them? There's often the president that magic and tech don't mix. I like that here the fair folk are using computers, but maybe they need some sort of protection or barrier to do so?

I also want to go again next week, but I've been hogging the submission slots. Robinski gets first dibs above me, even though he's only a lowly Prelan ;-)

I sent tracked changes in the word document, but I thought I'd post a thing here too. I really enjoyed the first bit of dialogue. With his first exclamation, Rutland gives me a good indication of his personality... I have some extra history, having read the first part of this with Sabine and Tarquin, so I remembered that he had some abilities. That said, it was still a little confusing until you laid it out. Like Haelbarde, I also noted the date. I couldn't remember when the first part took place, but I thought it was significantly earlier. Even though this is pretty "flow-y" and flowery, I think it works well here, possibly better than in Waifs and Strays. It takes about 5 pages to get into it, until we really learn Rutland's condition. You might give a hint earlier, although I was happy enough reading without knowing the supernatural side of it. I think you said you were doing three of these stories, so I'm excited to be reading more. Rutland's personality is solid, and it's easy to follow along with his actions, even while not liking him. That said, not a lot happens in this first section. You're set everything up well, so I want to see action or some payoff in the upcoming pages. Nothing is driving Rutland, and he's currently an observer, so I'm drawn in right now by the prose, and hope to be rewarded with some twist or development.

Overall, this was enjoyable. It's satisfying to see a jerk get his come-uppance. It was a little bit predictable. Maybe I've just read a lot of fairy-related stories, but I picked out who "R. Goodfellow" was the first time I saw the name. The biggest question I had was Sonny's motives. We find him defacing a celebrity's site, and he goes after a little old lady for little more than her name was higher in the news that day. I'm not saying he wouldn't do those things, but I didn't get enough feeling for his character. Here are the notes I made as I read through the story: pg 3: You tell us Sonny is going after celebrities, but why? he doesn't seem to have a good reason for going after an elderly woman. pg 5: "Emotions and questions flooded through Sonny’s head until he felt a pounding migraine between his ears." --I don't think I've ever gotten a migrane from having questions before... pg 7: "It was a couple hours before Sonny returned to the computer. He had been replaying the events in his head over and over again" --why? what was he doing in all that time? Thinking about what just happened wouldn't take hours. Then he uses the computer to load a USB stick with the virus. I thought the screen melted? pg 8: "stared" instead of "starred" pg 12: "His feet wouldn't move. He dug his fingernails deep into his legs. With sharp grunt he realizing he still had feeling in his legs." --this seemed like an extreme reaction pg 12: "shadow grazing " --I assume "shadow gazing?" pg 13: "diary" --dairy pg 16: Before, the chat text was in mixed case, but now it's in all caps. I liked the mixed case better.