Mandamon

Overall thoughts: This is better than last time, and I think the adjusted ending works a lot better, but like spieles, I'm left with more questions that I started with. We still don't have a good answer to why all the fighting on the bridge and why/how Harth got there in the middle of a physcial battle. Did he actually die and return? We at least see it's real now, so it's not just psychological. I'll also second Spieles that the relationship with Magdi still feels forced. He's in love with her at the end, but she was just a whore at the beginning. I didn't get the implication they really fell in love during the story. Being somewhat prescriptive, but it seems you've changed the "theme" of the story. Before, Harth was fighting for his worth, then goes back to the world and....? Now, we find that presumably the reason Harth was there was to get the Traveler to move on. So in a sense the protagonist (but not the main character) is the Traveler! Then I'm sort of confused at the end by the scrap of cloth. Is it just a promise that he'll see Magdi again? Why would the creator put him through all this just to bring him back? I think I'm rambling now, but hopefully you get something from this. Notes as I read: Pg 1 "I should have..., died." --Extra comma Pg 1 How many did we lose?" "Twenty-three, they'll be replaced before dusk." --Something still doesn't sit right with me here. I think it's the difference, whatever that is, between dying and waking up and dying and being deemed worthy Pg 1 the enemy captured the citadel once, --I like this addition pg 3: “Did you enjoy that, Yons?” --who? Is this Fermarald's first name? pg 3: "Harth hated the pride that he felt. It had taken so many lives." --this day? It hasn't taken any lives, has it, if they wake up again tomorrow? pg 4: "oh <i>high</i> commander --on the re-read, I think this stress and the one from last week are too much. Is she angry? sarcastic? horny? I don't think we know enough about her at this point. end of pg4/beginning of pg 5: hard to tell who's speaking here. pg 7: "I saw her go over the edge. Some come back from that, most don’t. Maybe they learn something on the way down. --well, this answers one of my questions. pg 8: Her fingers touched his lips. “Don’t.” She was crying and smiling. “It’s too sad. I'm desperate to hear it, but it’s too late.” --There's not enough here for me to feel sad about, so I can't empathize. What would he have stopped in relation to his father? Or does Magdi already know that part? pg 11: "The traveller had never explained the cost of losing." --this is where I feel the lack of tension in the story. I'm not convinced there is a cost to losing, so I have a hard time caring if they win or lose a battle. pg 12: "How was this the way to judge a person’s worth?" --exactly pg 13: "Losing was unthinkable..." --This whole tirade tries to put some cost for losing on Harth, but I still don't totally buy it. The only price for losing a battle is that Harth is mad with himself. pg 16: "No-one was quite sure whether if those who fell returned or not, although a handful had professed it." --This undercuts what was said about falling over the edge on pg 7 pg 19: "I’ve learned that the side I’m on doesn’t matter, but my actions do." --I gather this is sort of the theme of Harth's purgatory, but it doesn't ring as strong as it could with the uncertainty about why they are fighting and how they are judged worthy. pg 19: "I'm here for you. I am your deliverance. Let go,” --I like this. Harth's purpose is to drag the king onward. pg 20: "“No, a promise I think.” --Ok, better than 'it was just a dream,' but this leads to more questions on my part about the whole bridge setup.

Welcome to Writing Reading Excuses! A very nice submission. There was a good overall arc to the story, and I didn't see much of anything in the way of grammar or awkward sentences. I'll agree with Alfa that the wizard was a little weak. He provided impetus to the story, but didn't have a lot of reason for being there. I would imagine a wizard so young isn't looking for an apprentice yet. Chisa also doesn't seem very surprised to be told she's a wizard, though I think she is aware of it from how she haggles with the spice merchant. Still, if she hasn't even seen a wizard for years, wouldn't she be a little more unsure about what they are and what they can do? Thanks for submitting! Notes as I read: pg 1: "hence the name" -unnecessary pg 3: "Old Temple ruins" --The capitalization here makes me think the Old Temple is a place rather than a district, so should it be "the ruins of the Old Temple?" pg 3: "Da and Mam watch over us" --The first time through I didn't catch that this meant they were gone. I thought this was meant literally. pg 4: "Slivers of coin changed hands, and the man went away wondering why he'd traded so much for so little while Chisa allowed herself a tight smile." --good foreshadowing pg 6: "She made notes in what used to be Mam’s ledger book, and was now hers: what was paid ..." --Here it sounds like Chisa's running the restaurant herself. I was confused until I looked back (pg 3) to see that you said Da and Mam had evidently died previously. I thought they were still around. pg 9: "It limped, but still stalked and pounced the first man." --was starting to wonder how the lion would get around on three legs. pg 10: "On its intact foot, though, the lion now showed claws." --cool pg 11: "He didn’t ask how she knew his name. Wizards knew secret things or they were very poor wizards" --also cool.

Hello all! Happy 4th (if you're American) and have a good random 4th day of July if not. Here's the fourth of five parts of Escapade of Silence. I've rewritten a lot of the first section and second section based on your comments, so here is the summary with the major changes and new content: Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march. They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent. Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem. She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate. Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices at a loss. She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs. They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem. On Methiem, they get stuck in a long line and investigated by a grumpy old customs agent, who demands to see the cargo. Prot and crew have just discovered they can't open the crates, due to some device of maji--specifically the House of Potential. There are none around, but Prot remembers he bought the transport from an old maji of the House of Potential. He and Saart find the majus in a junkyard. As always, what I'm looking for is Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system: --what you think is Awesome --What you are Bored by --What you are Confused by --What you Don't believe Specific things: Is the tension/pacing good? Is the "big reveal" in this section suitably tense/dramatic? LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.

This flowed better that what I remember reading the first time around. I think the conversation with the traveler was more informative and pointed, but I don't completely recall. I'll second Carcinios' confusion. I think something was skipped in the edit about how many sergeants remain. I think you said last time as well that you didn't want to get into specifics of the hoard, but there's two points that drag me out: Pg 13 “They are monstrous – twisted by pain and anger. They are foul creatures, and desperate. A horde fit for hell, but stuck here and desperate to destroy us.” Then in the fight, you give a description of the horde, and it seems like they are people just like the ones on this side of the bridge, if a little bigger (from a different area of the world?) Anyway, this disconnect pulled me out because now I'm wondering what exactly they are--people or demons? Do they represent Hell, or are they just antagonists to this side of the bridge. I would also have expected a little more more Magdi. She doesn't seem at all surprised to see him, just angry, and I'm not sure why (or maybe that's in the next part?) Anyway, looking forward to the second part, especially with a new and improved ending!

Ehh...you can't even feel it.

Awesome! (That you got the offer, not that you don't know what to do...)

Agree completely. I also think using he and making a joke would be the wrong idea. More that the premise was not fully expanded and caused confusion (for me).

Yes, I think Jet bridge or Gate would work.

Neon, normally I'd agree with you, however in this case specifically, I was confused at first whether this was a literal incarnation of Death (it) or if it was a non-gendered person (they). I think the story points to the latter, but I'm not sure. In this case I think it is a fair question. I think I had the same concerns as everyone else, mainly that there wasn't a lot of character for me to enjoy. There are the bones of a good story, though! Notes while reading: Pg 1: There's a lot of description on the first page, so much that I lost sight of the character until the raven mark comes in. You've also got a very large and blocky paragraph. Some separations and whitespace would help to keep the flow of reading going better. This goes on after the poem as well. Pg 3: "Upon the altar was tied a man. They were struggling against the ropes that tied them there." --they/them -> he/him This seems like the end of a long story that I haven't read. Without knowing Death's motives, or character, or even why they are called "Death" (and is that actually the incarnation of death, or just a title), I am not drawn to care about the character. I don't know how the magic works, or what access Death has to it, so I don't know whether to be impressed by all the fireworks. I think this line sums things up pretty well: “So this is the end for the gallant hero, who sacrificed all just to die in failing to kill one simple servant. Such tragedy.” --This sound like it could be a very cool reveal, but with nothing to back it up, it falls flat. You say this is an excerpt from a novel. I want to read the rest of it to see how the characters ended up here.

Cool--I'll see you there!

Notes while reading: Pg1: Old tutor for what? Finance? Pg1: Sadra, etc.: This is a much better introduction to the honorifics. I might actually remember these. Pg2: "Lera Sirie enchanded my gown" --Interesting. I think this is the first direct hint of magic. Pg 2: "measuring the gap between seam and wings." I think I need a little more information about how the dress fits around the wings. Do they have extra holes, of seal around then or something? Pg3: "Either way, it was something to do while she waited." --Not sure what she's waiting for --Ah. The escort. Pg 3: Hmm. Don't need to know about every article of clothing he's wearing. pg 6: "You do enjoy when people make embarrassing admissions, don't you, Master Linphori?" --I like this. It's a good way of showing his character. Overall, I thought this was one of the best chapters yet. After we get past all the clothing scenes, the back and forth between Lasila and Eshrin definitely made it. I think where I've been bored previously is when Lasila is by herself, doing some task. When she plays off other characters, she comes across a lot better. Re. Lasila being nervous: I could tell there was some nervousness, but she was also using it to her advantage, I thought, playing dumb so Eshrin would spill more information and think her more naive than she is. re. Eshrin: He's a good character. Yes, he's arrogant, but he makes a good foil for Lasila (much better than her brother) and lets her snark come out. From the comments above, you make it seem like Eshrin should read as directly rude or insulting, rather than political posturing. I read it more as a GoT/WoT game of houses type thing, where they're each trying to get information without giving it, but Lasila is at a disadvantage. I think your explanation of the difference in culture might be the root of this. I'm assuming things based on our culture, because I don't have a good knowledge of this one.

I also thought this was a really clean chapter. Didn't find anything offhand that read funny except for the first line: "When the guard activates the panel for the double doors, the board room contains two people." It probably contained them before this point too (/snark) pg 6: Probably just WRS, but I don't remember the specifics of Brick. How does it know what his father was feeling? A The description of the plants in the house, as well as the living wall, as kaisa says. I though the council itself was kind of awesome. We finally get to meet the people that are responsible for all the crap that's been going on for however many years. We also get to see some more worldbuilding with how the city works, which personally I like. B The stuff with the council and the board was somewhat interesting, but probably went on a little long. C Not sure if this is confusion or disbelief, but brick stating what Oz's father wanted for him. Was there some record of his wishes for his son? D Yep, the blood testing. I'm not sure why Oz is so violently opposed. I don't think the chapter lacks tension, but I do agree with kaisa that Oz's reactions are bland, or at least described blandly. I think especially the passive way you describe Oz's surprise at the board knowing his secret.

I did NaNo for 3 years (I think) and then found the quality of writing I get out of it requires too much re-working. However, it did get me in the groove of writing at set times. I can knock out 1000 word now, no problem.

pg 1: "chain burned sneaking" --a little awkward as a swear. Pg 1: I'm not certain how Davio determined the necromancer was Orsini. I looked back at the last submission to see if I missed something, but Orsini just pops up in the last couple paragraphs and then suddenly is the necromancer here. Pg 2: There's a lot of fear of Orsini and he's evidently very powetful, but his name hasn't come up before now. I'd like to see more buildup for why everyone's so afraid of him. pg 4: "What new blasphemy had Orsini dared" --are we sure that Orsini caused the wreck? What proof does Davio have? pg 4-6: I like the handmaid of Cythere. There are some great characters in this. pg 6: "fully possessed by her aspect now" --So is she literally the goddess now? How does she act? Is the goddess present in the world? So many worldbuilding questions! I guess my point is that I want to see the handmaid act and talk differently when she's possessed. pg 7: "Orsini must pay. He was without true friends in the Signori, now more than ever, after his blackmail." --I feel like I'm missing some background that I need to know. What blackmail, or is that WRS? pg 8: "There it was. The accusation. Of course Torre had not shown it before. It had been his ticket to advancement, used carefully." --Hmm...This feels too easy. We see the ship and Davio assumes it's Orsini, but there's no real connection until after the fact, literally dropping into his hand. pg 9: "That would explain the flash, and the difficulty placing it. Lauro Dis’Salviati had been dead two months." --Who? Do we know this person? Also, if he's been dead two months, I would assume there would be some telltale signs of decomposition. --Also, isn't "shade" usually used for incorporeal ghosts? Lauro seems to be tangible. pg 10: "Lauro was only a wisp, but the smoke was solid." --This seems to say he isn't tangible, so how is he threatening Davio with a knife? "Lauro’s sword broke on his skin, nothing more than mist and moonlight" --Got it. You might want to bring some hint of this forward to help with the explanation. Overall, I liked the story itself, and the characters and descriptions are marvelous. I like how much the city is filled with people, however the learning curve is very steep, and there are a lot of characters that seem to require more introduction. The ending left me wanting more. There was the "end boss" fight with the shade of Lauro, which unless I'm forgetting something, was only introduced at this point, but we're told Davio knew him. We never even see Orsini, the brains behind the whole thing. Why is he doing this? How did he become one of the ruling elite while being a necromancer? What was he trying to gain? I would like to see a lot more of his character, if he's the villain. Davio also tags the right villain with his first guess, which while possible, is not as exciting as it could be.

Great minds and all that...

Hmm...good thoughts on Amra. My original intent was "can I write a female who is not over the top awesome, but still a good character." So far the answer seems to be that I need more practice. I may take her back and look at the three personality sliders to adjust somehow (proactivity, competence, and sympathy). And now I have an extra week to do it!

Can do. That will give me a chance to catch up with all the edits.

Just fixed this portion tonight. For those wondering, Amra is still mad with Prot after the argument at the end of the last submission, and is not mollified this time around. When Prot leaves to find the majus, she's promising they will have a long talk when he gets back, about running off, and to discuss their future. Hopefully a lot better than demure and sticking out her tongue! I think this will also tie in a lot better with the ending.

Thanks, Neongrey! Yep, you're totally right on Prot/Amra's relationship. I'm in the midst of rewriting it a lot, so your points will help me pick out the problem areas. Good catches on the inconsistencies and confusion as well. I will work to correct them.

Notes as I read: pg 1: "Spirits are abroad" --He must have read the title - Lol. pg 2: "Look a moment longer, and you could not ignore the eyes:..." --This is a great visual pg 3: "stop straining to avoid sudden moves" --ha. pg 3: Murio is an awesome character. So much that he's almost taking the focus away from Davio. pg 4: "in front of the great statue of the Iron King enthroned." --another cool image. pg 5: "The next day, it seemed to be going well." --This is really cool so far,and very tense. But this breaks the tension for me. Spirits are wandering about killing people, and Davio's content to wait a day for the arrogant Risorto to amble out and look at minor lawsuits? --in fact, I wanted to skim the next couple paragraphs here describing the weather and daily life. You've built up the tension a lot, and then Davio's just doing his everyday job, especially since it jumps back to Risorto and the spirits right afterward. pg 6: "Spirits are bringing death to all the quarters and you think you can shuffle lines on a ledger and make it right" --This doesn't sit right. If Risorto figured out that the spirits were a real threat, why didn't he come earlier? His sudden anger seems to be an overreaction. In contrast, Davio is acting like nothing is wrong, when he was concerned before. pg 7: "Gods below, Murio was less human than he’d realized." --ah, Murio. So efficient. pg 12: "“Torre, what are you playing at." --question mark? Overall thoughts: Davio is not that strong of a character, especially compared to Murio and Risorto. However, as the others mentioned, I do like that we have a clerk as the MC. There's a lot of internal explanation for why he does things, which is a nice touch on the surface, but I think it reads as too much telling and not enough showing, which makes his character that much weaker, especially when you've shown the other character's personalities so well. There is a lot of worldbuilding stuffed into this. I'm a fan of steep earning curves (have you read my stuff...?), but there are some extranous things here that slip by even me. It feels like this is a chapter out of a larger book, and there are a lot of references I can't get because I haven't read the rest. The last page or so is a good example. We've just come from a breathless chase, and Davio sits back down to work, referencing a lot of people and places we don't know and don't really care about. I'm looking forward to the next section. Overall, I really like this story, and the world you've painted. I think the pacing might be a little unsteady, with heart-pounding action for one section, and then kick back in your chair and fill out some forms in triplicate the next minute. I like the political stuff, but it almost reads as choppy. Anyway, looking forward to the next section!

@ Robinski: Thanks for the LBLs as usual! I'm making corrections now. On the choppy writing, I'll look out for that. I did a lot of splicing in this section, so that might be why it reads as unbalanced. I like your idea about Prot slipping off on his own. That would really add to the tension. I may steal that. I don't think, with this edition, you've heard the name of the disease yet. That's corrected in the rewrite. @Krystalynn glad the worldbuilding is still working. Good LBLs. Good point in how the Sureriaj thought the cargo would get through. I'll think on how to address that. On blacking out, yeah, this is not a great stopping point, but I had to find a place to cut it off. It should be pretty clear in the next submission. Let me know if it isn't. @kaisa On multiple species. I know there are a lot in there. Mainly for this story, I want to make sure the reader knows about the Sureriaj, the Methiemum, and maybe the Festuour. Since this is a multi-story series the other species get covered in other books. As long as it's not actively confusing, I'm alright with reader not remember what an Etanela or a Lobath looks like. On crates--good catch. I've cleared up the first sections a lot based on feedback, so I can clean that up here. Glad the customs scene seems realistic. I was hoping I got the right tone there. On Amra/Prot's relationship (and I think everyone mentioned this). I've amped it up a good bit--especially the argument--in the first section based on your comments, so hopefuly the tension carries through better. I'm planning to make a lot more edits in this section as well, so hopefully that will address everyone's concerns. On minor characters, I'm alright with them not being particularly memorable, since this is a shorter story. This is mainly about Prot and Amra. I just want to make sure you can tell one from the other, and know what they look like. Did I satisfy that at least? Thanks again!

I'll throw my name in for next week. I'll have one last (long) submission for the week after, as well. I'd love to be able to get the whole thing in without a break, but I can step back if needed.

Specific questions: -Writing this summary made me consider that it might work better if the initial bank scene from a couple weeks ago might do better before Lasila gets the offer from Maranthe-- have her be denied on her own plans and then get that particular opportunity. Thoughts? --Yes, I think this can be used to develop Lasila some more and show that she's trying different methods. -While this is the first of Savae we're seeing this go-round, I'm looking on inserting a scene with them (and another character, who I'll call out on his first appearance & also some related stuff when it comes up) earlier on. That said, aside from rejiggering this scene to maybe be a little less introductory, it won't affect this scene too much. --I didn't read these notes before reading the submission, so I was caught off guard at the sudden POV shift. I didn't think it was too introductory, but I would have liked to see some sign of Savae earlier. Coming in at this point when Lasila is settled as the MC comes as a bit of a shock. -So Savae is a lot more immediately hooked into these initial goings-on than Lasila is, and they don't circumlocute in narration the way she does so I'm thinking this should present a useful angle in a lot of ways. --I enjoyed Savae a lot more than Lasila, honestly. Savae is dynamic and proactive, where Lasila...mainly does housework. -Since I am committed to the singular they rather than a neopronoun of some sort, I am watching sentence structure like a hawk here; if something looks funky with my theys please let me know. --Got thrown out a lot by this. I know this is an accepted usage now, but it's very hard to distinguish between them/they referring to a singular person and them/they referring to a group. It's like "you" singular/plural, but even worse. I don't think I saw anything wrong, but I was having trouble parsing sentences as it was. Notes while reading pg 2: "In that moment, all she could do was hate him." --This is a very strong emotion suddenly. Why does she hate him? She's voluntarily fixing him a grand meal, if I'm reading correctly.--ok, you explain this a bit more in the next paragraphs, it's still very a very strong reaction contrasted to descriptions of going to the store, making dinner etc. pg 3: new POV. Interesting. I didn't know there was going to be one. pg 3/4: getting caught up on the use of "they." Is this gender neutral or a divided mind of some sort. I'll see if it comes clear in the remainder of the submission. --I'm assuming gender neutral. --A short POV, and I'm not yet sure how this relates to everything else, but Savae so far has caught my interest more than Lasila. pg 7: "she spent the time reviewing tax codes. It probably said something about her that the intricacies of them did anything other than bore her out of her skull" --Uh, yeah. I think this is about the most fitting description of Lasila so far...

pg 1, on the infodump: I think the first paragraph is fine, but I want something to keep me going after that. 2 pages is definitely too long to get to the hag blocking her door. pg 6: The argument with the landlady is great. She's a good (awful) character. However after that, it slows down a lot while Laurea examines various random items, including the fibula. I don't really care about them at this point, to be honest. pg 7: Aelura's shape: Not really distinct. I'm guessing dog or cat, but it's not clear to me. I do like that you show how a paper golem works, though. I like the fact that the pages are old and yellow. Are the brittle as well, like an old book? Pg 8: Yes, the break to Probitus is sudden. Maybe put in a section break? Also, I'm not sure he should be the focus here. You're telling us at great length what's wrong with him and how he's not as good as he was. I like where this will go as a setup and it builds Probitus as a better character, but I feel like it can be shown to greater effect. Being prescriptive here, but what if you show Laurea's competence by starting to guess at these things? I don't have a problem with Laurea. I like her as a character, because she's proactive and competent, and I think those are enough to overcome any lack of sympathy from her. She does spend a lot of time examining object, though ;-) Ready to read more, whenever it's available!

Hello all, Here's the third of five parts of Escapade of Silence. I've rewritten a lot of the first section and second section based on your comments, so here is the summary with the major changes and new content: Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march. They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent. Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri gentleman who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem. She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate. Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices (badly). She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs. They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem. As always, What I'm looking for is Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system: --what you think is Awesome --What you are Bored by --What you are Confused by --What you Don't believe Specific things: Are the minor characters believable? Are you familiar yet with Prot's crew? LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.