Turos

Thanks for the in-depth feedback! I can see all of these things definitely needing patched up. I wasn't aware of what past progressive was until you explained it, Mr. W, so thanks for mentioning it. What do you mean by look-out sentences, rdpulfer? Do you mean how it runs on or is there something else involved? You're right, Mandamon. I do need to explain important things in more detail so the reader isn't left in the dark on how to judge the implied danger or intensity of things happening. For all I know, you guys may have been imagining her skin peeling off in acid and wondering how she isn't curling up and dying. It is the entire story, by the way, though it was more of a practice bit I wrote up in a few hours. I am writing on my blog six days out of the week, every week, so I will be getting plenty of opportunity to apply corrections to my writing style. I'll try to come up with a short story every other week so I can share it here for more third-party insights. All of your comments are very helpful. Thanks for taking the time to help me grow.

Okay, I better post before I read other people's thoughts and forget what I have to say. I love your magic system! I will have to go back and catch up on this story, 'cause now I really want to see what the Fruits can do. I like your characters. One is responsible and the other is rash, which makes for some great squabbling potential. I also like Gemeti. She's an old lady with a bit of an attitude, though not that old? Depends on how old these people get, I guess. I liked the part where you described Gemeti shuffling around, trying to be quiet as she packed, I'm assuming, while the girls were supposed to be sleeping. It was just a little segment, but made the experience more vivid, so well done. Maybe I should read through again, but do you show Gemeti's thoughts as well at some points? I can only recall once, but if you are wanting to make her a veiwpoint character, that's great. I just hope we see a lot more of her involvement, if we are getting that close to her behind the scenes thinking. I remember reading your space opera for a couple submissions a while back and really enjoyed your skill. I can see how much you have improved on it, too. Are you publishing anything yet, Mandamon? Definitely close, in my unprofessional opinion. Ok, now to read the other comments so I can edit mine and feel all valid. EDIT: Oh yes, other than agreeing on "transforming" curoisity that hit me, too, I have to say, adding that bit of world-building flavour at the start is a awesome! And my mind likes to fill in the blanks, whether I just blazed over the actual details or not, but I imagine powerful oxen-like creatures moving the entire settlement, one giant cart at a time. Mobile orchards are very cool. Shows the priority of Fruit in those lands. I wonder if they plant the trees or just keep them on wagons.

This is me forcing myself to say nothing and accept feedback while convenienty creating a place for said feedback.

Right-o!

Oh no! I got sidetracked and forgot to submit it... any openings next week, then? Thanks Rob!

Man, it's been a while since I last participated here. How many slots are there? How about open slots coming up?

HA HA! xD :'(

Maximum sixteen xD

Maybe being in disguise.

He whole-heartedly agrees.

I don't think we have seen any chalkings with the ability to fire projectiles of any sort, but if this were possible, I would totally go tower defense mode. They seem to like taking an open route when they can find it. If you maze the path just right, you could buy yourself enough time to eliminate them. EDIT: Here's where I remember that LoF are solid... okay, maybe use LoW instead? Hmm. Okay just build your path and send hordes of your own chalkings after them!

Since Aluminum is counter-intuitive to investiture-ness, is Duralumin extra-intuitive in all ways that Aluminum is not? Is Chromium unaffected by powers like Aluminum?

Thanks!

Quick question: When using Breath, it drains color away from something. Does the color come back when you retrieve the Breaths? If not, can the item be recolored with dye? I don't know if I missed this, but was curious if anyone knows.

Maybe the Aviars' abilities just don't correlate with industry like Allomancy does. Being dependant on birds can make things much more difficult, even if they seem to be more sentient. In my opinion, the magic with the best chance at FTL is fabrials from Roshar. They are more machine-like and, when understood, capable of performing the right way everytime.

You would blow up. ಠ__ಠ Q: Can people see outside the visible spectrum if they reach a certain Heightening? Like X-ray and Ultraviolet, etc.

Maybe the advancements in technology elsewhere are boosted by the influence of an actual Shard's presence, like Investiture on steroids, or direct Shard shepherding. If Mistborn Future Trilogy is where spaceships come from, it makes sense as Harmony is a very powerful Shard and still kicking.

Then it sounds like people knew Aona, which is interesting. I wonder what relationship was there.

Ancient aliens

All I know is when a guy with a parrot on his shoulder shows up in SA3, I am going to jump to world-hopper accusations.

Ooo! Replies! Sweet. I posted this before reading elsewhere about the Selian magics being all one thing. Still, where do the people of a planet come up with the names?

If the Dor is powering all of the magics on Sel, and Aona(Devotion) has one magic called AonDor, does Skye(Dominion) have a magic called SkyDor?

I almost went with Kiin, but Hrathen threatened to release Dilaf on me.