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The Technovore

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  1. The Technovore
    Johnny looked up, not sure how to respond. Did I not just explain to this guy how I was kidnapped and dragged here? Wait. *Gasp sound effect* He’s in on it too! Specks of course he is! What do I do?! If I don’t play along, the guy behind me is probably just gonna snap my neck right here! Typical Kidnapper move! Obivously I need to play along. Keep it cool, keep it cool. ”U-uh yea! I guess—“ Johnny coughed, a cough that bred another one, and another one. Stop coughing you idiot! ”Y-yea... you could say I’m.. pretty new.” Johnny said, his wavering voice and uncertainty abundantly obvious. Pfft. Nailed it. Another guy walked up to him. “Need some help figuring all this out?” Gah! Why is everyone so flipping helpful here?! “Yes! Help! Help is good yes I would like some help.” You’re completely unreadable Johnny. Why thank you Johnny.
  2. The Technovore
    “I uh...” ????? That dude totally just glowed! He glowed! Johnny touched his nose. It didn’t hurt. The guy did fix it! There was still blood all over his face though. Johnny wiped it up with the rag in his hand. !!!!! Johnny yelped, dropping the rag like it was on fire. That’s the third time something’s randomly appeared! He looked back at the broken Portal Gun he’d dropped on the floor. And the second time it wasn’t even a real thing! How in the world did a Portal Gun end up in my arms? Why is the bartender magical? Why is everyone so nonchalant about me dropping out of the ceiling? SOMEBODY EXPLAIN SOMETHING! Johnny put his head on the bar and groaned. “I promise not to break your tables,” he mumbled.
  3. The Technovore
    Johnny glanced over at Kidnapper guy, who hadn’t said anything yet. He looked back at the bartender. “Heal me? Okay, sure, my face would definitely be grateful.” Johnny rested his chin in his hand. Wait but your face is blo— Too late. Johnny pulled his hand away, shocked at how much blood was on it. Dang I must look like a mess! Good thing this bartender guy cares. Seems like bartenders are always just best people. I wonder why that is? Maybe it’s just the best people that choose to be bartenders. Johnny continued this train of thought for way longer than was appropriate.
  4. The Technovore
    Oh yes how it was rising! It was rising, like, SOOO high! It was totally on fleek. #Hottopic
  5. The Technovore
    An ailment he inherited from his radioactive pet cat that bit him one time.
  6. The Technovore
    Granted. Hate—the magical talking leprechaun with a bubbly personality is now at your command. But now your knees are prone to sinus infection. I wish for a large bag of barbecue chips.
  7. The Technovore
    Oh thank goodness, help at last! Johnny stumbled over to the bartender. “No! No I’m not okay!” He whispered urgently over the counter. “I’ve been kidnapped and taken to this bizarro place, my face is bleeding profusely, and everywhere I go the eyes follow!” Johnny looked desperately around the room. He balked when he saw Kidnapper guy at the door, smiling at him in that terrifyingly friendly way. He turned back to the bartender and whispered, “I just wanna get home! I don’t want anything to do with this! I—“ ”Instantaneous transportation, fascinating. Well we can talk powers later.” Kidnapper guy sat on a barstool a few seats over and gestured for Johnny to come over. Johnny gave the bartender one last pleading look before slowly taking his seat next to Kidnapper guy. @Invocation @Dr. Dapper (Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. internet problems will sometimes take me out of commission )
  8. The Technovore
    Overall, Kadolin Ohlin was a terrible hitman, and Butterflutter the Seventh’s family had not prepared nearly enough by hiring him. So they fired him, and scratched both his Shartplate and his Bhardslade as a personal insult. Then they sent Butterflutter the Eighth to do the job.
  9. The Technovore
    Johnny fell through the ceiling and crashed onto a round table in the center of the room. While he wasn’t particularly heavy, he still fell far enough that the table collapsed on impact. Johnny coughed in the sawdust cloud pluming up from where he lay, dazed. A couple stray chips of wood lay on his black-and-green winter shirt, and blood leaked down his mouth and chin from his nose. Of course I managed to land on my face. Classic me. He propped himself up on his knees, then stumbled to his feet. He looked down at the Portal Gun. One of it’s prongs was snapped in half, and another was gone entirely. He groaned, of course he broke it on his first go. He looked up at the ceiling. The orange portal stared back, mocking him. The ceiling of the wedding tent nervously watched from behind the orange borders. Of all the places to be, you chose to be on the ceiling. Typical. Speaking typical. The orange portal flashed in response, then disappeared with a pop. Johnny looked down the Portal Gun. No lights, no response. It was dead, made sense that the portals would die with it. Mourn later, you just fell from the ceiling and you’re bleeding profusely from the nose. Think about how many people just witnessed that. Johnny finally looked around the room. Hard-looking men, women, and weird alien things sat around dirty wooden tables. Some looked in interest, some paid no heed, most seemed dangerous and hostile. Almost all of them had exotic armor on, had weapons strapped to them, had some crazy-colored aura, hair, or eyes, or some combination of all three. I’ve fallen into the middle of the worst room ever. TYPICAL.
  10. The Technovore
    Johnny watched the kidnapper dude leave the tent. The sound of a chopper gearing up and flying away drowned out all other noise for a few moments. No one else reacted. ?????? Are helicopter departure’s that common a thing? No one even batted an eye! In fact, no one’s batted an eye about anything about me since air got here! You’d think a bunch of kidnappers would pay more attention to their victim... Hold on. Johnny’s read the comic books. He’s seen the TV shows. He’s watched the movies. He always prided himself on his knowledge of all things superhero. He was looking at an Avengers wedding. Except these guys aren’t the Avengers... That guy never even told me his name. Guess I’ll just keep calling him kidnapper dude. Kidnapper dude told me to meet him at a tavern. I forgot the name of the tavern. I forgot the name of where I am. He clearly expects me to make my own way there. I have no idea how to even get out of this tent. That dude over there is smashing rocks. That’s pretty awesome. NO! FOCUS! Getting out of here. How am I getting out of here? My arm feels so heavy here let me put this down. Johnny put the Aperture Science Patented Portal Gun on the table and went back to thinking. Wait. Johnny spun around. That’s a Portal Gun. The Portal Gun. He scooped it up and cradled it reverently in his arms. The gleaming white matte finish. Those gorgeous prongs sticking out the front. All those years of futilely wishing it was real, and here it was. Johnny thanked Goodness no one was paying attention to him. That way they wouldn’t notice the tears he shed. He slid his arm into the slot in the back of the gun. It fit perfectly. Forget everything else. Being kidnapped and sent to this place is the best thing that’s ever happened to me! He noticed small display on the top of the gun, his years of video game training kicking in. The orange portal had already been placed. Odd. Clearly that portal was somewhere ready for connection. It’d be a waste to reset it. Johnny pointed the gun at a conveniently clear part of the table, and fired the blue portal.
  11. The Technovore
    (Is this how meme posting works?)
  12. The Technovore
    Which grows from the brain cells of clowns. It’s a miserable existence to be a clown in the kingdom of the handerfles, no matter what promises of “organic” or “cage-free” they put on the cartons.
  13. The Technovore
    Being a spy was dangerous business, especially when dealing with the likes of the 17th Shard. The narrator then edited his post because Butt Venture put a knife to his neck and told him to fix what he had done.
  14. The Technovore
    I’ve got a taser in my hand. I’ve got a TASER in my hand!! Where did the taser come from?! How did it into my hand? Oh bewilderedment is me I am in such a mental state right now! The guy is smiling. Alleyplanet? Sounds like the setting for a bad roleplay premise but pfft okay. Wedding. Yea. Thanks for telling me everything and nothing at once dude. Classic kidnapper! Drinks? I could go for a Fanta Cherry on the rocks so bad right now. Okay, sure. “Drinks.” (Make a note to keep an eye on yours around this guy.) “Okay, sure let’s go talk.” Johnny said hesitantly. The guy had a genuinely warm look about him, something Johnny had a hard time trusting. But now he had a taser, and the guy obviously didn’t mind him having a taser, which simultaneously comforted and worried him. Surely the only reason you would let your kidnapping victim have a taser would be because you had something even more dangerous up your sleeves, right? Nevertheless, Johnny stuffed the taser in his back pocket. He wanted to have it, but didn’t want to draw any more attention to it. Johnny took a second to look at the others in the room. His eyes bugged. Guns and swords adorned nearly every waist in the room, and some of the participants looked like they were glowing with power. This isn’t your normal run-of-the-mill kidnapping ring. This is a well-funded militarized kidnapping ring! “A Fanta Cherry on the rocks sounds reaallyy good right now.”
  15. The Technovore
    Because Joe was a ghanderflaffle, and ghanderflaffles “aren’t really into the whole funeral thing”. (Quote provided by Ghanderflaffle the Eighth, translated from his violent sneezing.)
  16. The Technovore
    The kids would then respond with “Rusting Scadcadder!” Which was fine because they were not real swear words, they were from the incredibly popular book “Fogbirthed”, by Sanders Brandonson.
  17. The Technovore
    Jerky McJerkface was in fact such a jerk that at school he had a nickname. It was “You heckin jerk.” His school had a strict no swearing policy. Which he broke consistently.
  18. The Technovore
    Granted. You are now an Era 1 Feruchemist. I wish for to not be tired
  19. The Technovore
    Gasp. He is my kidnapper. I bet he’s got chlorophyll in his jacket to knock me out again! Wait, chlorophyll? No no that’s not it... Chloroform! Duh! Heheh. Silly me. OH WAIT HE TALKED TO ME! ”Uh yea. I’d say that would accurately describe the situation, mhmm.” Johnny fidgeted nervously with the taser in his hand. Wait.
  20. The Technovore
    Ohcrapohcrapohcrap I actually did that specksspecksspecks (hey watch the language) shut up. One of the party-goers—a big tall man with long hair and rough clothes—sauntered up to him. Congratulations Johnny. You just got the attention of what could be your kidnappers! Classic you! Johnny slapped himself mentally, but not in real life because that would be weird. You don’t want to be weird around big tall kidnappers. “Need help?” the man said. He seemed oddly casual for this definitely not casual situation. ”Uh... Yea! I uh... you see...” (Insert slew of panicked internal monologuing here) “Have you seen my blue jacket?” Johnny slapped himself mentally again.
  21. The Technovore
    Johnny bolted upright with a start. Where am I? What is this? Who am I? Oh wait I know who I am okay that’s good. A couple seconds of observation revealed his surroundings. He sat on the floor of a large wedding tent, lavishly adorned with white, gold, and pink. Massive trays of food lay on large tables, streamers and flowers littered the floor, and a large wedding cake tipped precariously on the tip of its pedestal. Wedding tent. Awesome. Much better than a kidnapper tent. Noice. Wait, are kidnapper tents a thing? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Surely someone somewhere has done that though. No! Focus! You’re in a wedding tent. ...Why are you in a wedding tent? Survival checklist go! Jeans. Check. Arms. Check. (Wait why did I take account of jeans before arms—FOCUS!) Boots! No, those are Vans. Specks I knew I shouldn’t have worn converse today. Head. Check. Hair. Check. Good to know this isn’t a hazing. Blue Jacket... no blue jacket. Dang it where did my blue jacket go?! That’s the third one this month specks take it! Okay so I’m alive and clothed, both wonderful things. Johnny stood tentatively, then shot back down in a crouch. He wasn’t alone. A bunch of wacky-looking cosplayers appeared to be leaving the tent, and a few other stragglers were talking quietly in a bunch of various groups. So I’ve been drugged and dragged to a cosplay wedding roleplay for unknown reasons. I have no idea who these people are or what their intentions are. What would be the best thing to do in this situation? Johnny stood and shouted, “I AM EXTREMELY CONFUSED AND SOMEWHAT FEARFUL PLEASE HELP.” ...Okay of all my options that was probably not the best one.
  22. The Technovore
    “Crickey! I’m bleedin’ gobsmacked!” said Brutus, the MAGICAL TALKING BRITISH BULLDOG IN A BOWLER HAT no matter what people said about his hideously froggish looks and Australian heritage.
  23. The Technovore
    “Good grief! What’s all this now?” Said Brutus, the magical talking British bulldog in a bowler hat.
  24. The Technovore
    “Fie! Curses! Fiddlesticks and huddlecrumbs!” Said Butterflutter the Eighth, before snapping the neck of that guy who wrote “The Tragedy of Thaylen City.” Butterflutter the Eight had enough to handle with their allergies without having to deal with emotional devastation. A Butterflutter can only take so much y’know?
  25. The Technovore
    It was because of these allergies that he was so vicious, as anyone would be if they had to endure constant sinus agony their entire lives.
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