spieles

I'm catching up! I enjoyed the fast paced component of this and how active the character are being. It's very cool. So otherwise, I don't want to harp on areas that others have mentioned. I think this is actually a case of underwriting as opposed to overwriting so there are specific opportunities for you to add in more. Specifically.... Can we get a description of Rakella after Kang first whispers to her? Obviously she's not in her party clothes so I'm curious about how she's dressed differently. when Kang shows up at her window I'd like a description of Lumi - does she look like she's been mistreated? Also, I want to see the play by play of her reaction - the shock, the fear, and then the realization that it's her friend come to help her out. I'd like to see more tension on Aspik's face during their dialogue. In the lead up, but especially when Aspik asks "Do you have have any proof?" I had no sense that he was a bad guy even after Kang announces "it's him." I thought that "dark red spot" under his black vest was a badge of some sort. Also, it's a bit of a suspension of disbelief issue to think that Aspik wouldn't have the wound properly bandaged. More likely, the bump from his bandage would be the give away not a wound staining his shirt You overuse "dark" and "darkness" in this piece. I think you'd be better off describing the city in muted colors, because even if its dark Kang would still be seeing shades of grey and navy. The transition to the "waking the bear" scene was a bit awkward. I think you could clarify that he was meeting with the weapons seller right off the bat because I had to read back and forth to figure out that this was the guy who could identify the weapon. Anyway, I hope this helps! I should have the next one to you soon.

This is a random aside - but I deeply associate "chokers" as a 90's anachronistic fad - and they take me out of the story. I think with the dress here, instead of saying like a choker, you can just say "a high neck" or "high collar." In the above paragraph you say the city is subdued, but then in next you say... This year? Maybe it was the heat but the handbills pasted up on walls were few and far between, and the markets seemed subdued. A few public houses seemed to have events planned but nothing rivaled her memories. It could be nostalgia talking, of course. It could be. I would consider cutting this second one. Wait - why is Varinen leaving? I'm still confused as to what is the specific reason? I think based upon the next paragraph that he might be joining the army? But why is he doing that if he has an underaged sister? Or is she technically an adult now? Even then, with the way their society treats women - and the priestess not feeling its safe for her to walk alone to a public temple - I feel I'm lacking context here. Right now, his response feels very immature - like "I'mm do what I want" instead of a brotherly "you are old enough now, you know how to defend yourself, and if we're ever going to get ahead, I need to take some risks. This is my dream and I've received a once in a lifetime opportunity to pursue it - I can't let this pass me by. So be strong for me, little sis." I like the magic being used to make the mask. This doesn't sound like Lasilla's mask... so who it it for? I'm very very curious. I suspect it's for the new living goddess that might be anointed? Varinen is much more likable in this next scene when he's talking about raising her as a 15 year old. Remind me what the war (peace?) talks are and what Varinen's role is with a few extra details for context. I don't think I missed them during my reading unless they were a bit buried in the prose. p. 6 - Varinen says his sister will go far - but HOW? There seem to be next to no opportunities for women - women who do well are exceptions - and Lasilla doesn't even have money for school at this point. I might cut this paragraph - my instinct was to skim - and Varinen's leaving is much more interesting: On the other hand, she'd managed to wrangle this invitation, so she probably wasn't doing too badly in that regard. It was just contacts that she lacked, connections. She could get those. She just needed to somehow find hours in the day to do everything. But it was evening and a holiday, and any chance to do that was long since gone, so she spent the time reviewing tax codes. It probably said something about her that the intricacies of them did anything other than bore her out of her skull, but she opted not to consider that. Okay, so this scene is def essential but I feel like you could clarify Varinen's reasons for leaving and his expectations for his sister while he's gone - not that she'll follow them, but there's no talk of marriage or how to protect herself - when those seem to be the big issues for her personally. Also, I'd expect her brother to give her more background about her escort for the ball - some tips on how to make the event go well, etc. Anyway, curious to meet the escort.

I love kittens and kittenish behavior but I think you could cut it down a weeeee bit. I like how you start out this line: So armed, she took a handbag, patted Mekesh on the head, and made her way uptown. "review previous of our work" - missing a word here, e.g. "previous examples?" I think you might be introducing an antagonist with Ilie Alevrin - or trying to point out some social fissure - but since they're not directly interacting with Lasila - I know it's not going to stick with me and I might consider cutting it because it felt more distracting rather than intriguing. I'm a girl who loves fashion and the discussion of colors wore on me. If the colors are tied to symbols in society or deeper meanings that might make it more intersting but otherwise it is a lot of description to wade through. I like how Lasila slowly discovers the investment that's happening here and starts to wonder if there's some catch to the Maranthe's otherwise seemingly generous offer. It raises the stakes.

I like that Varinen comforts Lasila but I don't like his explanation for why he can't go with her - concrete reasons such as their not having enough money for a suit would be one thing OR he wants to set her up with someone as a political connection - but we already know it's dangerous for her to walk around the city alone - so his response made me think he was very self-centered (though you might want that?). Anyway, just giving you my reactions... Varinen leaned against the back of his chair and sighed. "Oh, Lissa, I wish you wouldn't fight me on this," he said. "I know your ambitions. Do you think I have none of my own? Do you think I have any better chance at them than this escort? What this celebration to the goddess is to you-- can't you believe this is the same to me?" Yeah, like rdpuffer, the "demure by nature" didn't work as well for me. I agree it's better shown. I like the story of the aelin and the beloved and the fire god - and the consequences of the war with women being more protected - but I found myself rereading a lot in these paragraph. I feel like the story could be tightened a bit or revealed in smaller doses. The key thing now is the " Masked, all children of Ilidria are equals." I'm a little confused on her interaction with the priest. It almost felt like he was making a sexual advance on her - but then it was all fine and by the book. Not sure if you meant it to come across that way. Heh. I like her prying into her brother's dating life. I'm partially intrigued, partially confused about women's position in this society still - especially when Lasila reacts to the bank account manager being female. The conversation with Ilena could be cut down to the main point: if she needs to take out money to fund her education - there's no good way to do so. I think you should consider cutting the following as it doesn't add to the plot and I really found it hard not to skim: Lasila lingered in the bank's front lobby a bit longer than she really needed to, enjoying the cool air before braving the heat outside. There were enough people coming and going to make watching them interesting; she made a game of guessing their standing just from how they dressed and carried themselves. The richest and the poorest were easy enough-- not that there were many of either here, but there was some challenge in differentiating members of the merchant classes from artisans. The finer distinctions beyond that were trickier still. It was just dawdling, though, and she steeled herself for dealing with the walk home. She'd need to carry water today, which meant even more time going back and forth. The alternative would have been going to the bank with a pair of buckets, and she certainly couldn't let herself be seen like that. Better to change while she was at home, too; she didn't want to flood this dress with sweat. It was presentable, after all. No, she'd wear her usual dress for fetching water, one that had been nice enough once, but was fading some and a bit tight at the chest and elbows. Of course, she'd have to wash extra tomorrow, but that wouldn't be a terrible bother. It would be more time to think, as if she didn't have plenty of that already. She still had to visit this dressmaker for this event at the temple, after all. Perhaps digging up some of her family's old contacts in the mean time. Or unpacking the books her mother had been teaching her from before she'd died. Lasila didn't think much of her odds at teaching herself, but it would be better than nothing if it came to that. OMG you added a kitten. LOL. Who doesn't love kittens?

Catching up! I liked this - I enjoyed how Lasila starts the chapter off very insecure of her social and economic status and then ends on a high note. My main problem was the pacing and occasional over-description . I think it takes away from some of your most powerful descriptions - so I tried to point out where cuts could happen to pump up the pace and yank the reader in more. Of course, these are all suggestions. "The next morning, Varinen woke her on his way out. Lasila lingered in bed until well after he'd gone; " Just a note on this - I didn't remember from the last chapter that they were brother and sister - so I was under the impression that they were lovers until it became clear that they were not. If you are looking for places to cut, I'd consider this paragraph - as I think the paragraphs above give sufficient detail at this point... Well, things were secure enough that she wasn't being put out on the street any time soon. She had time to pick a direction. Perhaps she could lay some groundwork today, if she managed to run into any of her family's old connections. Never too soon to get on that, and while her and her brother's insularity since their mother had passed was understandable, if it went on too long the damage would be unrecoverable. The three paragraphs on her making the bouquet could also be cut down - I think it's enough for her to make her own bouquet - the other details are semi-relevant but in toto slow down the story too much, I think. This paragraph too - I started to skim. I want to emphasize again that there's nothing bad here, but the pacing as a whole could be improved so I'm just trying to point areas where you could cut (should you wish) - I liked the bit about her name still meaning something so if you straight from that to her entering the temple - my interest is kept fully engaged - whereas when you start describing the group, my brain felt it was distracting more than enticing. The gardens could wait, she decided. She had been walking for some time in the summer heat, and the prospect of being inside appealed far more than even the compelling beauty of the works on display surrounding the temple proper. The main path from the gate was all white marble, polished to gleaming; a few people passed her by going the opposite direction as she walked. They were a small group: two austerely-dressed men who looked similar enough to be brothers, blonde-haired and winged, both taller than Lasila by an inch or three. A slim small-sword rested on the younger's hip, the hilt ornamented with gold. Between them was a young woman, with hair as bright as the sun that fell pin-straight down her back, unfettered by any bead or tie. Her dress was black, slashed with breathless pink, skirts afroth around her ankles. Lasila bowed her head to the group; whomever they were, it was quite likely they stood above her in some way. They paid her no mind. Well, better that than paying her too much mind. The waiting here could also be cut: The groups ahead of her came and went through the inner doors, escorted by acolytes who seemed little more than children. Lasila supposed it must take some great deal of coordination to have so many people going through this place, all the while ensuring none felt crowded. The priests at the door passed messages via the chimes almost without pause; in the absence of much else to do while she waited, Lasila kept one eye on their graceful motions. She ignored the sweat that dampened her scalp as best she could, but when one of the young acolytes offered her a glass of cool water, she accepted it gratefully, savouring the echoing taste of lemon and mint. I like the description of the goddess. It's cool that the story ends with the priestess's invitation.

I'll also go ahead and throw in my hat for July 4 now.

Last time we left off where Oz had arrived in Aurum (the big city) for the first time, reunited with his BFF Pascal, went to get some grub at the local black market, and then.... got arrested by city security. So now he faces the Board.... *One note - "Project Null" is now an intelligence program - as Robinski suggested for chapters 3-4 - so Oz would be training to be an agent. Like Mandamon, I really like Mary's ABCD method from the Writing Excuses podcast. So tell me if what is awesome, what bores you (cuts are beloved!), confuses you, or anything that engages your disbelief.

Hah. I was just listening to those podcasts (particularly the one on adjusting character competence) when I was thinking about her character.

Okay, cool. I wlil happily give feedback on the new chapters then.

Thoughts on part II - * This might relate more back to part 1, but I'm thinking Amra could be a little more capable - and that this would make Prot more likeable. She's falling a bit too much into the weak-female stereotype - when really, how the hell did she end up being an accountant on a space transport? There has to be some part of her that craves adventure. I think upping the focus on those other parts of her character might do the double job of making Prot more likable and their relationship more believable. Also, it's a little weird that the accountant would be getting the low numbers on these trade negotiations, especially when she's so aware of the bottom line. I almost think you could rewrite that subplot where Amra is obsessed with getting a specific number. Like 7% or above and then KILLS the deal when she can't get the number. For being such a good accountant, it would almost make more sense for her to be factual to a fault. Also, you might consider reversing who wants the babies. Maybe it's Prot who's like "we should have a kid" and Amra is all, "That's completely unrealistic. Children who grow up in space suffer from the following [stats]" and to settle down, we need x, y, and z. That's much more interesting than making her this woman who wants to give up an exciting life in space for child rearing planetside. Otherwise, I thought this chapter flowed pretty smoothly. It really seemed like you knew where we were going, and I like that they're seeking this crazy old magus in a junkyard for help. Excited to read on.

Yessss. I had to take a break to cut a character and rewrite the end - but the early parts of the book haven't drastically changed.

I'm thinking I'm ready to come back! So I'd like to submit Monday too. In the meantime I'll try and catch up on feedback.

Oh, good call on pointing out the peace lily plot.... need to change that. Even if they're physically quite different, it's still close enough... And yes, Hayden totally was jacked during that make out scene - not with a crazy dose or anything - just enough to make her extra reckless with the mask and affect her eyes, etc. Glad you still like the market chapter! I definitely tried getting in more "mom stuff" in the first section of ch 7 and goodness did it fall catastrophically flat. But yeah, I'm going to leave a note on the section so that if I have any actually good ideas, I'll have this as an insertion point. <3 <3 <3

My first thought is that we're getting a LOT of information right off the bat that I'm maybe not ready to care about yet. I'm wondering if this could be set up more in a scene? It'd be lovely to learn this gradually. For example, we see Lasila choosing what beautiful piece of furniture to burn. I like wings in stories. LOL. Favored trope. p. 2 Still so much information without much conflict. p. 4 - finally! Some interaction! The dialogue could be cut down a bit to feel more natural. p. 6 Laila's explanation of the problems in the city is much more natural here. Good ending. I like the final line.

As the chapter starts, I'm curious if he has amnesia - I get that the forest is not what he likes - but I'd like a baseline of what his normal is - an office? a house in the burbs? a fishing hut? a castle? The evil organization thing also rubbed me not so well. It'd be more suspenseful if the guy was more cryptic. I want to know what his medical condition is - can we at least get a clue or two? The chapter has a good arc. I think it could be boosted with more detail - I think you could create even more suspense, but right now I'm quite interested to see what happens next.

p. 1 First line is too long - I had to read it twice. I'd split the sentence in two - also, as it stands right now, it's a bit confusing so breaking it into might help. I told him not to call me that. - The full title? Or one of the specific names? I found it amusing that a man with a reputation as black as his orders a drink as sweet as mead. I'm curious why we get the lengthy description of "a lone man with raven hair, a trim goatee and reeks of arctic lilies. He wears a red and blue quartered tunic with the crest of the textile guild emblazoned on the front" - when the man just walks away... I'm supposing we'll be seeing him again. Also, I'm wondering why Kang felt the need to approach him instead of just nursing his honey-wine. Describing everyone's clothes is starting to be a bit much. I'm more interested in the taste of the mead, the stink of perfume, the nervous movements of the room, etc. Hm. Ella and Kang's dialogue is feeling a little heavy handed to me right now. I enjoyed the explanation about milking a yeti. On p. 6-7 for being inside Kang's head, I have no clue why he's getting so angry over what seems to be an honest expression of interest in his life - as opposed to all of the dishonest rumor mongering. It'd be more natural if he gave a surface explanation - and then they pried, maybe directly about his father - and that prying did not go over well. So the final scene leaves me deeply curious about what's going on. Kudos.

A lot of good ideas here with the magic - I like how she uses her clothing. I think the chimaera's introduction with him saying "Tasty" is a little eye-rolling. I'd rather you scared us with a more sinister description. Also, the scarier the chimaera is, you give more room for humor with the girl's responses. I'm not sure about the info dump and full explanation of Fate at the end of p. 6 - that's normally the sort of information I love to slowly discover as a reader as opposed to simply being told. Why is her being named Fate's Child so funny? The obviousness seems to make it not funny. It would be funnier if he gave her a look like "oh please" instead of laughing uproariously. Also, it would tie in better to his later disbelief when she tells him her quest. I'd actually cut p. 7 down a lot - it's too on the nose for setting up the quest. I'm not sure the fact that she is "crazy" is the reason not to help her. I feel like a more logical response would to be to tell her to go home and go to school because surely the hunters are already on the job - and the last thing they need is an 8 year old with a transformer dress in the picture. p. 10-11 the conversation dragged for me - the discussion is very generic - better to cut to the race sooner p. 14 Being involved in an 8 year old's quest doesn't seem like something a full grown hunter should be excited about - I'm still unclear on his motivation besides being bored and lonely? I'm going to throw this idea out there as an idea: fate gives the Hunter a clue about his past - some mystery/tragedy that has eluded him for years and uses it as a lure to get him to help the girl. p. 16 why does the burning town make her throw up? Are their heads on pikes or corpses with open stomachs and guts being spilled out? If the bodies were rotten, I'd understand - but since they're burnt... I think we need more description here - or simply cut the throwing up. I'm not sure it adds much. I do see Robinski's point about their dynamic being rather similar to your other pair. I'd almost want them to be less outlandish and more procedural. For example, instead of the speech at the end (which are all over your chapters), I'd want something more Sherlock Holmes-ish and more subtle. Just suggestions, of course. Curious to see where you're taking this.

*Last week was a mess for me - so I plan on spending tomorrow catching up on edits for those submissions! This starts part II of the novel. Prior to this…. Eighteen-year-old Oz sets five bombs and waits. The Rex sawed open his foster mother’s chest and planted a lily where her lungs should be. While everyone else in his outpost either bolted south or ducked behind walls, Oz stalked the Rex until he found their enclave. Except that his plan isn’t good enough. The Rex corner him, eager to infect him with their retrovirus—when Brides, soldiers from Aurum, swoop in. Amid his rescuers is Eleanor Penton, the infamously timid chairman (read: owner) of the city. And she won’t stop staring at Oz. Oz wants nothing to do with this creepy woman, but when the mutants launch a counterattack at his outpost, Eleanor gives a last-minute confession: Oz is her son and heir. The Rex abduct Eleanor as Oz’s home burns to ashes, yet he vows to get her back. His foster mother is dead, and the reason is that this fake leader was too weak to take on the Rex. But Oz is no coward. It’s not in him. Unlike her, he will fight.

I would also like to go, if that's all right. I am behind on everything this week.