spieles

I would like to hear your impressions of the protagonist (‘Moon’). I like Moon - he's a loner - he's resourceful with a sense of humor and a real history going on. My favorite part was actually when the apex predator was hunting him (I like being scared) and he had to warn it off. It upped the stakes and gave weight to the later part when he has to scare Salane into climbing the cliff with him. I will happily read more. You're building an intriguing world. One note I would add now is that I feel like the unique conflict in your story really takes off when he enters the forest and heads to the Spire. And agents/editors are always rattling on about getting right to the conflict. That being said, I enjoyed meeting Salane and George and I thought the fight was good too.

Ah! I just saw your reply. Ugh, the internet. In person it's so much easier to convey these things. I go to a biweekly writing group (with a whole bunch of people who work in NYC publishing) and I feel like we're able to be much more honest with each other simply because in-person it's also so much easier to communicate non-judgment and helpfulness, etc. through facial expressions and tone. We really talk stuff out and if someone is having a negative reaction, we get to the bottom of it and how it should (or should not) affect the manuscript, etc. Anyway, writing is such an unconscious process that I would never assume that just because a scene might hit a bad note for me - that the writer had some nefarious agenda. (So, no, I would never presume you were a misogynist hack - we just met!) And writing prostitution is such a loaded issue! So many land mines! So please keep working on this - don't be discouraged. The fact that Magdi is such a motivation for him is really interesting. I think it really ups the ante in the stakes and gives the story emotional heft. I would be delighted to read again. :)

Thank you Krystalynn! I totally read video game imagery when I go through scifi books (though I might have an addiction...) I will turn my scalpel on pp. 4 and 8 - helpful to have targets. And yeah, next chapter the action will give way to much needed exposition. I love your feedback and comments - it's fascinating what people react to. Thank you so much.

Hah. That was totally not you who made that comment that I quoted - it was directly yanked from my AbsoluteWrite thread. Though, you thought the two chapters of action were pushing it, and thus my emphasis on the action/narrative balance, etc. Yeah, the glass in the palms is from the bullet shattering the greenhouse glass. I'm going to figure out how to make that clearer. LOL. I switched out the Slurpee machine for the soda machine since your last read. So the soda fountain machine is at this point completely empty of syrup, soda, and ice, which makes up most of their weight so I think he'd be able to give it a good shove. Yeah, on the action balance - I got pretty good feedback from my in-person writing group today on the action so I think some of it is reader preference, but I, of course, want all the cookies, so if there are clever ways to better balance the beginning of the story and draw in more happy readers, I'm all ears. I keep snipping and tipping but I only think that can take me so far. Anyway, I did a full edit of your chapter 8, so I should have those comments to you tomorrow. :)

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm excited to join the group. Yeah, I'm going to lose the "cake and dad line" and indicate Oz is a boy much faster. As others have said the flower imagery keeps leading readers to think he's female before the line from his dad. And I hope you enjoy the development of the Rex! I need to work on the description of the brides. I swear I'd actually edited more and now as I reread I feel like some edits got lost. Regardless, it needs work. Beautiful might not be the word... thanks again!

I will also submit again.

Oh my dear - I'm sorry. I meant line edits (cuts, really) as a compliment - I generally don't think most stories are ready for them, but I thought yours was. They take a lot more time so I'll refrain in the future. /hugs

Kaisa also found the "all I want is cake and my dad" line to be off, if for different reasons, so I think if more than two people are hung up on it, I should play with it. And thank you for pointing out the juxtaposition of maids/candle - it's great to know what draws readers in (that way, you don't throw out the baby with the bath water, etc.) "He's just a little boy." I'm going to brainstorm to see if we can get his sex mentioned sooner. "The cold punch of the wind burns up my sinuses" - yeah, you make a good point. It's not really that the air is caustic just that oxygen levels are low - will fix. "Sony" - is actually a really common name in the Dominican Republic where she's from so I'm going to hold onto this one for now for diversity purposes. "his voice is a half-gargle as he proclaims, “He lives!”" Yes, the Rex are more comparable to neanderthals or another humanoid species. They're def not zombies but obviously they're lacking in certain human traits. Going to work on the rest - thank you so much for all your comments.

Thank you for reading, King! I'm so glad you found it thrilling. I really like the first person present - so I was eager to use it here. As an aside, If you recall any of them, I'm quite curious on what parts you found confusing - I doubt you're the only one to do so.

General comments – You have lovely writing with solid world building and vivid detail. I don’t see a need to move it away from straight dialogue. As far as the humor, I didn’t really catch any jokes so much as perceive the dialogue as an amusing review of the problems of excessive etiquette. I do think, though, that both Comstock and the Madam are “straight” characters – both being perfectly reasonable – and this is hindering the comedic potential of the story. To really up the humor. I think you might consider having the Madam be more outlandish. By the end of the story she has given up on this ideal of the perfect party, so it would heighten the setup you’ve got going by having the Madam emphasize this is going to be the party of the year. It will be glamorous and perfect and everyone will walk away feeling transcendent simply for having attended. That way, when we get to the end – her final “F this” is hilariously well earned. My line by line comments: “Honestly Comstock, I told you already: do everything just by the book, you know that big one with all the gold leaf: Digeste of Heralderie. The regent is an absolute bear for etiquette. It’s only a half moon, so he won’t actually be a bear for the party, thank Pan.” I definitely get a sense of the madam's speech patterns, but this was a lot for the first response and felt info dumpy in a way. Maybe pare down the inessential details? “Well, I have tried to follow the Digeste, but there is a problem. The banquet is for lord Windshadow’s new grant, as marquis of Frostlake.” That there is a problem is implied. And now I want to know who this Frostlake fellow is. “It would be something of an insult to seat lord Windshadow as a marquis, madam. He is a duke, after all.” Wait I'm confused - is he a duke of this little nowhere landholding in addition to being a marquis? Maybe a little line edit like "He is also a duke." I would cut these lines - they don't add much and we have inferred from above that a duke is a higher rank than marquis: “What do you mean? Bardovia’s ancient. The Romeliofs just celebrated three hundred years of rule last spring.” “Well, four hundred years ago, that was the Drovian Marches, and Windshadow was the duke of it. It seems like an insult to sit him so far below his rank.” This feels like a misuse of incognito. Because he's not so much operating with a concealed identity as he is just not mentioning it? I might just cut the line. "It’s as if he were incognito." Cut this: “Alright, Comstock, don’t beat about the bush. You clearly can’t manage this party without me, and after you scoffed so about the suggestion a feminine touch was needed, too. What else is wrong?” Get right to the explanation about the invitations. I am confused on how the invitations would make them comfortable? I think you mean “to avoid insult.” and you did say especially that we must have them, to make him comfortable.” Hrm. So far I’m not seeing a real emergence of a humor pattern in characterization. I would expect the Madam to be outlandish and the servant to be deadpan. You have a little of that in here, e.g. “Clawed by an eagle, Madam.” But so far, I think you could up the ante. Try and avoid these What’s the problem?/What’s wrong dialogue patterns: “One more, madam. Count Alixov of Tramenia arrived this month, and I’m afraid that will complicate things.” “What’s wrong with him?” The “What’s wrong with him?” is very clear – but it slows down the punchline rather than setting it up. Better to have something like: “One more, madam. Count Alixov of Tramenia arrived this month, and I’m afraid that we can’t use the silver.” “Oh, not a werewolf/vampire.” I’m tempted to suggest that you end it at the Madam saying “F it Comstock,” and his “Yes, Madam, reply, but I think you have something to work with in the final line with the finger foods and word of mouth. I like those details. Just at the moment I think that is just a tad too unwieldy after the wonderful punch from the previous lines. Perhaps, switch the order here. Have her be like FINE. FINGER FOODS AND THE TOWN CRIER CAN JUST HOLLER THE REST. And then let Comstock have one final rejoinder – "The town crier is a banshee, the selkies will not stand--" “F it, Comstock.” And then end the piece just as we started with your beautiful line, “Yes, Madam.”

Hi, all, I'm particularly curious what you all think about the amount of action in the first chapter. One reader suggested I have the Rex not chase Oz but corner him immediately: Okay... For this early in the story this fight scene is going on WAY too long. As a reader new to your stories universe, I want something to be happening, but that happening has to further my understanding of the character/world/conflict. All this fighting is just fighting with absolutely no secondary importance. However, other readers said the action made their heart beat faster, and I think his ability to escape does reveal aspects of his character (notably, that he's got mad skillz). I'm assuming the right balance is somewhere in the middle, but I'm also aware that there's even more action in Chapter 2 - so feedback on this would be great. Shannon

Yeah, I'm glad to hear that Magdi's line was meant to be ironic (though I do think you could make it clearer with some emotional descriptors), and I think Echohanson makes a good point about the prostitution trope. It's a really loaded issue, so if you're going to go there, it needs to be with purpose and focus - not as an aside. Like, in Game of Thrones, I really enjoyed Tyrion's relationship with Shae because there's so much going on there, and Shae is pretty much as flawed and crazy as Tyrion is. But yeah, I'm going to agree with Eisenheim on focusing's on Harth's reactions and feelings. I mentioned above that I'd like to see more desperation, but more than that, I think to really drive up the conflict and tension - you've got so much plot to work with - but it's the character side of things that needs more ramping up. Hope that helps.

I would like to debut on April 11.

Oh shoot and I should have bleeped out that quote above. Fail.

Hrm. So battle scenes are hard for me to read or enjoy. A big exception is actually Sanderson's writing in the final Wheel of Time books - I really enjoyed those because they were so couched in character (and crazy to the point). Also, I spent most of the month of January playing Oblivion on my PC, and so a lot of the landscape is getting filled in with Elder Scrolls details. LOL. Anyway, those are all of my caveats so you have a sense of my perspective and therefore take it with a grain of salt. Part I My one big critique on grayed out section 1 is that while Harth seems to have a clear goal - departing. However, it'd be even better if there were some personal reason, done via flashback or otherwise, that makes him feel that his need is greater than others. Right now, he has very generic good versus evil motivation, and with those, he just seems like he's floating along and that "floating" kills a lot of the tension for the reader. I'd like to see him more desperate. You already have some great elements in there that play in to this, most notably his not hanging back but leading his own troops. I also wonder if you could raise the stakes by having death going all three ways - he could be reborn, he could depart - or he could go to hell. (Maybe if he loses too many battles or men, LOL) I'm not sure how that would work in the larger context of the world you're building here, but it would make the reader whisper "oh crap" and scoot to the edge of their seat more. Part II “You sent for me, oh high commander.” Heh. Oh boy. You just lost most of your female readers here. If Harth was a stupid man and she was about to gut him, I would eat this up, but it's cliche and offensive at the moment. “I need to feel something, Harth, something familiar, please.” She pressed against him, reaching around to pull herself into him. “I know I'm just a cheap storm to you...” Okay, what is her game? I am hoping she is about to stab him... AND IT'S A TEST. But she doesn't. Oh, yeah, this is male fantasy. No former prostitute would ever say these things. She's had to subjugate herself to the most disgusting disease-riddled sex just to not starve to death - she doesn't want "comfort" from some soldier, even if he was the least offensive of her clients. Now, if they did have a deeper relationship - that should be apparent in other ways. She should be guarded with him, cautious. She should be like "Lie back, let's get this over with." And he should be like, "What? This isn't you." And she'll say something like "I got my stomach ripped out and I'm still cursed with this. You get to depart if you kill enough men - this is my way." Typo: “You don’t feel her loss? I thought you were close.” Dropped word. Yeah, it follows the damsel in distress trope that Magdi would die. Not buying that he'd abandon his troops to go after her. Okay, done. You definitely need to work on their relationship. Honestly, it'd be great if instead of sleeping with her, he says, "Fine - be a solider." And then she dies heroically on the field, and maybe he knows for certain that she's gone to heaven or something and that ups the stakes again!

So I read this rather quickly, but I realize I rarely read in this genre - the closest that I have read being Cloud Atlas, likely. General impression - I thought the writing had real presence and though I feel like if I was going through with a fine tooth comb - I'd probably cut nibbles to ramp it up more, the general feel of it had real voice. Yeah, then we get to the dialogue with Twiyoy. First off, lose all of the exclamations - instead of enthusiastic or simply ebullient, they make her read shrill (even if that's not how you hear her in your head - readers easily become unfair to older maternal characters). Then watch her dialogue tags: She huffs. She sniffs. She hisses with an intake of breath. Makes her read like an old fishwife. I think you actually mean her to come off as sarcastic at times but because of the rest of it, it's a bit confusing as to what her affect and general demeanor are. But working with that sarcasm, maybe try and make her a little more teasing and mischievous. Let her fuss with his hair and smack his back a touch too hard as she laughs dryly at her own joke. (Q1) I'm leaning short story? (Q2) Yeah, you need to go through and cut 10% and just tighten. Q3. See my comment above. Q4.Does the story as a whole come across as too much of a sequence of vignettes instead of a real story? It thematically ties together. Lots of short story collections do that. You might play with some additional small connections. Q5.Is having section names within a short story too kitschy of a gimmick? Do the actual section names I chose work well? I didn't really notice them. As a reader I treat them as the curtain framing the stage play. Q6. I'd need to see the final piece, but I think a middle road is the right approach. Q7. I tried to do little tricks with intentional repetition. Did they work, or did it just sound like I was stuttering and too lazy to use synonyms? I didn't really notice? Maybe that's a good thing. Q8. Honestly, I read the part about the meal - and I said to myself, "I think he means fulfillment." In the symbolic, larger sense

Hi, all, I'm joining the group this week - Kaysa invited me. Not submitting first round - I'm just going to get a feel for things, but happy to join. Shannon