spieles

Also, putting myself down.

Hrm. That's a good point about Pascal getting her tattoo. And yes, as for strengthening, I have a whole other revision planned (for the later chapters really) to kind of streamline and beef up the storyline. Lord, revisions are annoying, LOL. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Brick is totally scary in a wonderful way. And I'm totally still playing with Channing's character - I'm thinking he and Oz in this latest revision will be almost-friends (before making it all the way to friends).

Oh good. I was actually quite worried about this chapter - but maybe it's a nice rest before the storm that starts in the next chapter.

So we left off in the last chapter with Oz deciding to infiltrate the Rex and Pascal passing her Brides tryouts with flying colors. Notes: It is no longer Siegfried Aerworks but Siegfried Anan as the head of the major oxygen company. I'm most curious about your reaction to the scene where he explains "the repairs" and if it works. Thanks!

Thank you for reading with so little context. Yeah, Oz is very understated, and in this scene he's particularly defensive - especially with Channing/Dion. I'm wondering if the reason that this chapter is kind of coming across as "meh" for people is actually because they're dialogue is MISSING key things like direction and is actually sort of vague. There's no fun undertow happening - it's too on the nose. Hayden definitely is not being manipulated by others but she's also being insincere in this scene. Going to try to get under that....

Hrm. My overall impression is that this is fine as a mid-book chapter - as others have said Lasilla is more active and we're not just in her head, but get to learn about her world through dialogue which is infinitely better. That all being said, as a first chapter, however, it would not pull me into the story to keep reading. The chapter kept losing me. I think for a first chapter you're trying to do too many things here when, really, the reader's interest should be focused on one key conflict. Also, in the past chapter where we met her, Iluya leapt off the page as a character, and here she's well behaved in a much less interesting way. That all being said, maybe just keep writing and then come back to this when you know exactly where you want to start. Other notes - I like the fact that honorifics will have their own table.

Putting my name down too.

Fresh eyes are always wonderful! So thank you for taking the time. And yes, LOL, so many of your questions have been answered: the Rex are mutants, Oz is the product of genetic in vitro experiment, and the "Brides" are the elite female force that fights the Rex because unlike men they cannot be turned! And I'm particularly glad you liked first person present. I've read it a handful of times, and have either enjoyed it or been meh on it, so I'm glad you're veering toward enjoying it. Going to fix p. 5

Super super helpful thank you so much for giving feedback.

Hah. I doubt I shall be so lucky but here's to hoping.

In this chapter Oz, being a good friend, accompanies Pascal to Bride tryouts. @kaisa, this is completely revised from what you read. Definitely some violence here. Anyway, let me know what you like, what bores you, what confuses you, and what makes you roll your eyes with disbelief. Beta data!

Yeah, I mean you're not info-dumping - which is GREAT - and info dumping is what most fantasy/scifi writers do in early drafts, but you almost have the opposite problem where you're being too coy with the worldbuilding to ground the reader and so the reader gets very frustrated as the plot gains in complexity. Anyway, I think this is all very fixable. I also think the early scenes of the book could work harder in terms of tension and also doing a lot of this "grounding" - and I suspect that your rewrites are getting you there.

So I am catching up! I read through the past two submissions and have similar comments to Mandamon and Kasia. On this one, I'll second that the POV jumps are a bit much. They don't generate tension so much as make the reader ask "wait - so this is the same character as before... right? and make the reader lose the pace and go back to check the previous section. So I'm reading the first few paragraphs here and a familiar problem is coming up for me with the story so far. There is so much world building - but it is 1. not driven by conflict and 2. does not clearly set the world up for the reader. I want to actually be helpful on what I mean by this, so I'll try to go through my reactions as the story starts. I know like the most important fact: Savae doesn't like Aelin and is working against them. Sort of. Because of spite? That's a little boring. But then we say that actually their clan wants to end the hostilities so they'll fight fire with fire and aelin with aelin. AH. But I thought the reason was spite? This confusing jumble is why interiority is one of the absolutely worst techniques to deliver this sort of information to the reader. Why were there hostilities in the first place? What is the specific reason that Savae has made this choice to be a co-conspirator/double agent? I feel like we're missing a scene in which we watch Savae's LIFE BE CRUSHED. In which we feel their pain, etc. Understanding Savae's personal motivation would go along way toward clarifying their mission. There are several things in this world that are deeply confusing to me. I know that the author understands them, but we're 11 chapters in, and if I weren't editing, you would have lost me after a chapter or two. Some key areas of worldbuilding I want to focus on: Titles. I know names and titles are important but I don't know why except that it's a way to demean people. So far it doesn't actually seem that Lasilla has suffered for messing up with this. We just navigate this social world along with her but so far they don't add anything but confusion. Also, they need to be CLEARLY EXPLAINED. With consequences that matter to Lasilla's internal stakes. The War. Why are they fighting? What is at stake? Who's the bad guy to Lasilla? Right now her own society's suppression of women seems like the worst thing in my mind. Anyway, with the war.... even if you mentioned it, this sort of detail should not only be repeated but repeated and deepened as the story progresses so that the reader is on board. Sexuality. Women are super suppressed in society, and yet there's sexual freedom - Lasila goes from being a naive ingenue to a sex kitten at the temple - holy cow. I need way more set up here. I need to know the rules. Like, is seduction considered a social talent? What can it get a woman? How can it hurt her? How does reproduction and birth control work in this society, especially with the war going on (wars tend to increase the demand for babies)? Ways to fix this: Avoid interiority. It's sort of your crutch in your writing, and it's not bad, but the more you can write in scenes with other characters interacting, the more key pieces of information will fix in readers' minds. The reading excuses podcasts recommends either having a) your protagonist learn something for the first time (which is fun - because the reader learns alongside them, making and feeling their mistakes with them) or b - have some other newbie around to ask the questions. In Lasila's case, she seems to go instantly from naive, sheltered JaneEyre!Lasila to wise-to-the-world LizzyBennet!Lasila. It's much more fun if she screws up more. Let some people be cruel to her, and then have her learn, with others kindness and then be bold as she becomes. For Savae - I almost feel like you need a dumb sidekick to explain crap to us. Or more setup scenes. This is a really common story technique, but nothing is more effective at clarifying information to the reader. Chapter Specific Notes: Your imagery with Savae dancing beneath the moon is lovely. Then... All that happens in the first part of the scene with Illuya and Lasila is that they talk. And apparently demonstrate they have no idea how to seed a pomegranate. There is no reason for their hands to be stained. Unless they've never dealt with a pomegranate in their life. Granted, I know there aren't youtube videos they can watch to figure the water method out on the fly, but if pomegranates are remotely indigenous, there shouldn't be staining. Beets on the other hand... or hell, make up a whole new fruit. I think you can amp up the Illuya scene by having her demonstrate magic off the bat and freak Lasilla out. More tension. The cursing from Vareal also seemed out of the blue to me. Yeah, and we end on a paperwork scene with Lasilla/Illuya. I'd consider cutting this and getting right to the training. "Sit down in the kitchen and talk" scenes always slow down the tension... unless someone is behaving badly.

There are quite a few really good Writing Excuses podcasts on this. I particularly like the one on critique groups. Uh, yeah. I'll just say that honesty is an ingredient to a good critique but it needs to be put in a way that someone is ready to hear. Sometimes a person (PERSONAL EXPERIENCE HERE) needs to be told something nicely and clearly by more than one person before it really sinks in. Also, when receiving a critique - it's important to remember that the reader's experience of the story is always valid, so explaining why the reader is wrong is completely useless. Especially if the reader is bored or has been lost by the narrative - which let's be honest is the main problem with most early drafts - it's really important for the writer to try to understand where they're succeeding and where they're just self-indulging so that they can cut the latter and develop the former. Getting that big picture is the really hard work that creates great novels, and it can only happen with beta readers being forthright but also recognizing a story's strengths.

I would like to submit!

We left off with: “Where is your mask?” This chapter is yet another revision that I'm punching out based on my massive editing list - so @Kaisa, you have not seen it. Ideally the tension should be going up and up....! All edits are lovely and welcome. Uh, I still owe some people edits. On a personal side note, I'm dealing with some pregnancy insomnia and trying to get this "book" baby done before the other one decides to show himself. I also want to add that if I disappear suddenly in the next few weeks, it's for a pretty good reason.