spieles

I really enjoyed some of your descriptions, especially: "his bad combover had survived whatever had happened to him."; "out here she felt like the door to her cage was open" This paragraph (in my opinion) could be cut way way down: Evening was falling. The looming mountain now lay in darkness and only a thin red glow, the last remnant of the day's light, outlined the highest peak. A rush of cool air spun around on its slopes uncertainly, puffing down into the city once it had gathered courage, filling the streets with its autumn breath. The pirouette of souls there ground to a halt for a moment as the people pulled tight their garments against the cold, only to continue along their unseen paths, down the mismatched streets and into flaking buildings. Lights popped up, like fireflies that had just been caught in molten glass, and the twilight began to ebb away into the outskirts. A haze rose in the air, a thin veil of smoke coming from the roofs, knitting silently into the evening as fireplaces crackled to life. And then there was the strong, metallic taste of the blood. She’d have to find it. The description of the mountain was good but after that the prose was flowery but didn't seem to be giving any information, so I skimmed to the bottom. (Note: I don't mind creative prose if every word is still essential) I like the fact they find a dead body - and that she can't touch it - at the moment this has me fascinated about the rules of the world you've created. I'm not a fan of the first line. "She was beautiful," is too overdone. I am intrigued by the conversation with the men in the beginning. Definitely wondering where that's going. Anyway, very curious to read more! Keep 'em coming.

Yes, I quite enjoy when I'm dropped into a world and it feels... complete - even if not everything is explained. It's real to the character so I just go with it. But yeah, my struggle with the green/trading post thing is that it's essential to Oz's world on the trading post but it really doesn't come up later in the story, so i'm like, how much time to devote, you know?

Oh, lord I feel blind. Who knows how many times I've read make/makes? Re: cricket and crickets and sports and bugs - hahah, that's so a thought that would never occur to an American but I'm going to ponder better ways of presenting it.

So this was very quirky with, as you said, lots of fun and weird facts. I'm def getting the 1930's boy adventure vibe what with the faeces and feisty Mrs. Royall laying the smack on the President and George Washington being a zombie and all. If you would be so kind, let me know what you think of the gimmick of having the characters speak in quotations. Is it good in theory, or should I drop it? Did I manage to pull it off, more or less? I know I need to include more quotes in some of the long monologues if I do keep the gimmick... I think so. I enjoyed the rich language you have weaved through this, and I think the quotes contributed. I'm wondering if it interfered with flow at times. For example, in that first paragraph, I would consider moving the second line and skipping straight to "Soon it would be spring." have the faeces go down the river - and then have his mind float to Andrew Jackson and the Kingdom of Sanguenay and then to make everything horrible upon horrible - a crazy woman steals his clothes! (But I'm not sure how that works with your quotes and the structure, you see?) Did I manage to maintain a single authorial voice? I was trying to write a grown-up version of a 1930's boy's adventure story, but I feel like I was bouncing around too much between humor, historical awesomeness, and actual story. Were there places where the story started to read like "10 Wierd Facts You Didn't Know About the 1820s? Hah. I got all those vibes but mainly, I think just working on smoothing and transitions are the key issue at the moment. Make those fixes, and I think the rest will come naturally. So, some of those I noted... Why not start off directly labeling the President as John Quincy Adams? It felt like a detail that was withheld for no reason. And I quite like the effect of starting a story with "President John Quincy Adams swam through the cold Potomac, sunlight glinting off his naked buttocks." That, my friend, is a stellar opener. Otherwise, I was so focused on who the president was - of a bank? of the country? that it took away a bit from the punch. George Washington's appearance. First, I thought he was a secret service man. Then when you described him as "creature" in the paragraph below, I was confident he was a mole person. Even with the reference to wooden teeth, I was quite astonished when it was truly George Washington. I never think of poundcake as a sweetmeat. I always think of gumdrops and sugared nuts in that category. This line: "Mrs. Royall scrambled for her cane, preparing to defend herself." I hadn't really thought there was any threat. The president's words were rather mild. So what does Mrs. Royall perceive that the reader has missed? We just need a little more setup there. This line: "If they are not rescued, the world will end?" Goodness what a statement! But why? I need more context and specifics. Give me the stakes so I'm as invested in taking on this mission as are Quincy Adams and Mrs. Royall. This line: "You have told me little I did not already know, and you may well believe that I have devices for countering your threats. I'll leave for Canada and the Kingdom of Saguenay immediately.” Okay, I think when you say "your threats" that you actually mean threats to the nation and not that Quincy Adams is threatening her. Need a bit more clarity here. Then, because I was still thinking she was countering his threats, I was completely shocked by her resolve to help the president. Could we get a gesture or facial cue that shows her resolve to help? I think we need that transition before she says she'll leave immediately. I enjoyed the difference between professional prize fighters and Virginia street fighters and why this was the reason that George Washington was able to simply walk around with a bag on his head. In the fight scene, I would lose the line about five ruffians with "assorted injuries" - she'll be immediately drawn to the action - then at the end she can describe the bludgeoned men left in the road and they can leave gloriously without a word. I hope that helps. :)

Same as kaisa - I can submit for the 25th, but I've gone twice in a row and I'm also continuously working on edits, so priority goes to others, of course.

Ah! You leave us on that cliff hanger! Hrm, so yes, my overall impression - now that I read through others comments - is not dissimilar. I really enjoyed the angel/demon divide being elevated to a galactic scale with Order v. Chaos, and randomly I kept wanting you to say entropy because I just really like that word... So at the end of the story, my fascination is held by: Ah! She's the only archangel left - all this PRESSURE. -- very good - ups the stakes. The time travel isn't going to work out right? It's too easy. Thus the cliffhanging attack! The people who forgot the song. Are they the same people as in the Sol system? I'm betting so! (though I like that you don't tell us directly... yet) The nightmare dream was quite creepy - and I'm wondering if there are other lingering effects of the dream. One note here: when she sees Uldomiel in real life - it'd be nice if she flashed to the dream - and then had to shake herself out of it. I, as a reader, really enjoy those connections... I really enjoyed some of the language in the story. I loved "chitinous armor", "the choir", "pinions" and "twin-tailed comet." Crits... I did have the thought that the Straaxi's "lean alabaster torso" felt like almost too sexy of a description for the scourge of battle - LOL. also I'd expect the Straaxi to be somehow distorted by their association with The Elder Thing. Is there a reason to include Illiriel when she wakes up? - because I'd rather cut to the chase and have Uldomiel at her bedside ready with a briefing. I feel similarly to others about the battle. I think some cuts would go a long way. Like, when Eriel dies, I felt no connection to her because I'd never met her before. Uldomiel beheading the Straaxi while Saraphiel frowns - is interesting. Is his character the hot headed one? While Saraphiel is the more logical? I wonder if you could develop this more in their later dialogue. (Because character conflict is always the best...)

Going to work on this. At worst, I can overdo the test questions and then just cut them back later.

So when a dinosaur killer like Chicxulub hits the earth - the blast radius take out about 200-400 sq miles. Between the blast wave and weird crap in the atmosphere, the rest of the earth super heats - so only animals that burrow or find some sort of cover or valley are going to make it, especially nearer to the impact zone. Then there are the earthquakes, the 90 mi tall tsunamis, and after that, there's so much crap in the atmosphere from all the burning that there's 3-9 months of night. Mass extinction of animal and plant species ensues. Weird species of fungi go nuts during this period, digesting all of the charred earth. Oxygen levels dropped from around 30% in the Chicxulub days to 22% to our modern oxygen number - theoretically that happens again with this second dinosaur killing asteroid. Hrm - so thoughts - Should I include any of this? Anyway, that still doesn't answer the question of why the ocean isn't repopulating with phyto-plankton and returning to equilibrium. That's actually a huge question that I plan on addressing in book two. But I'm curious if I should try to sneak in certain addition pertinent facts. (Like how oxygen levels are just under 10% in the current atmosphere - but its why the oxygen masks work - they more or less use futuristic nano technology to filter breathable levels of oxygen). Going to ponder the brides hair. In the field they wear big honking helmets so I'm not sure that snagging is an issue. I previously had them with short hair - but I like long hair, LOL. Thank you so so much.

Chapters 3 & 4 So, if you haven't read up until this point, Oz has spent the past two chapters fighting the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. He meets the commander of the caravan - Eleanor Penton - who stares at him in a rather creepy way. And that's where we begin chapter three... Things to Critique (Though please rip at everything!) Interested in your all's take on the Calgary/Oz exchange. I don't want it to be cliche and yet I want the relationship to have obvious elements of a strained father-son relationship. I'm struggling in this chapter to mix in the world building without being heavy-handed. So, stuff you feel is missing? Oz's character. I cut a bunch of stuff regarding his loneliness with his missing his best friend (who left to go to Aurum to be a Bride) - I'm wondering if we need more of that here... Any bits that can be cut? Thank you all for your time and genius.

Hah. One of my friends just had bed bugs in her apt. (Worst nightmare.) With my imagery, I think I might be subconsciously my outing my fears...

Hah. My in-person critique group is full of copy editors.. Whatever you guys miss they will pluck out one by one and wiggle in my face. Lovely people, though.

I love line edits! (Less guesswork for me, lol) Thank you for reading and taking the time for comments. I think you've hit the nose on the head that dystopian fatigue is one of the biggest obstacles to this novel. I feel like with Red Rising being so popular - there's still room in the market for really hard hitting stories - but there's less room for mediocrity because readers have already been there, seen that, and do not need a retelling. That's one of my biggest hangups with the blocking in chapter one, actually. Because I feel like readers could give a hoot about more dilapidated buildings and empty streets - I feel like every time I add in more spatial awareness it gets cut. This might be a sign I just need to be more creative.... The landing is just over 20 feet with the slant of the dirt - which there are videos on the internet of people doing. (I'm slightly parkour obsessed) However, that takes a lot of training, and the fact that Oz would be landing on earth and not concrete is a big deal. Gotta clarify the line with the fuse. Easiest to just say the fuse is intact. Good call on the orders giving. I took out a line describing these new-fangled oxygen mask. I think I need to put it back in... Yeah, I already cut that massive, awkward sentence. I should probably just say she's middle aged, huh? And the line by lines are invaluable - thank you and thank you.

Thank you! Your comments are lovely. I have never heard the name Ozma (but I like it), though yeah, I'm adding a "son" into the first line of the father's dialogue so that it's clear it's a boy. And yeah, gotta work on the soda machine manuever. OMG - and I played Fallout 3 like a crazy person sometime around 2003. So, yes. That connection is definitely there.

Thank you for taking the time to read. :) Hah. My job often feels the same. I totally just found The Shadow of Innsmouth - and downloaded it to my phone. Yeah, I definitely struggled over the plural form of the Rex. Going to ponder. And I will work on the action beats. Ugh. Getting the write balance between detail and over-description. Thank you and thank you.

So this would be a pretty BAMF parkour move. It requires the same skills as a horizontal wall climb in terms of strength requirements and then the rest would be incredible pylometric snap and good proprioception to judge the distance between wall and counter, etc. - because for him to actually take out the Rex, it would have to be one quick snap of the arms with the legs tucking in and then... POW *Machine forward* *Rex down.* I will work on writing this.

Thank you so much for your comments. Yeah, I can be more specific on the guns. Going to start researching... And you're right on masks. I've sort of avoided describing them and even a line or two would really clear things up - so I'm going to work on that for both Oz's masks and the Brides. Fire escape - LOL - so I have spent the past thirty seconds now studying the fire escape outside my window. Even if Oz were on the bottom grate rail - I think the Rex could still reach him, but that's because it's a pretty small fire escape. The ones on the building across from us connect two apartment windows and that would definitely be out of reach at any angle. I've also had that thought on the commandeered bombs. This could fixed as easily as Oz seeing the Rex setting the bombs up. Soda machine - you and Kaisa have convinced me - we're downgrading to a coffee machine. Thank you so so much for all your help.

Roger that. If anyone else has priority, they should go - especially since I just submitted this week.