spieles

My big notes - 1. Prot needs to let Amra talk. He keeps shushing her and then holding up a hand when she tries to argue with her. This is very infantalizing behavior and it made me really not like him. That being said, I liked that she is the one who save them by means of the transport. 2. I like that Amra's fertility is messed with - it's a real emotional stab - however, it falls flat at this point in the story because Prot just sort of gets scared into realizing he might miss an opportunity with Amra. I want something much deeper here. It would be natural for many men - especially those who love their careers and don't feel ready to settle down - to feel an odd sense of relief (alongside massive guilt) that such a road is closed off. The fact that Prot doesn't feel that way doesn't automatically make me like him. You need to go deeper. Prot has to realize that this space life is STUPID. He's been wasting his time, dragging Amra all over the galaxy, getting them into messes, when he could have been an awesome dad. Some ideas to consider here: - Have tensions exist between Amra and the best friend. Maybe Best friend is the one who dragged Prot into space and now that Amra is offering Prot an out - there's really interesting character conflict there. - Play on my emotions. Have Amra dote on a street kid or throw in a freaking baby. - For most space opera style adventures, ending on the note that "we're going to settle down" is a hard sell because space operas are supposed to show how exciting it is to be a space buccaneer, but I think you have an interesting opportunity to bust that trope wide open here. 3. The Colonel showing up again on this other planet is confusing and feels out of place. 4. Like Robinski, I felt there were too many crew members. I think you should cut down to two besides Amra and Prot. At this point, I have only the vaguest senses of their natures and descriptions. 5. The crate not having the wrong poison is a copout. It takes away the greater stakes of the story. No, have Amra be the sacrificial lamb. It gives the story more emotional heft. 6. The final scene where the House of Healing mage shows up is odd. It felt besides the point. The reveal that she is a council members underwhelmed. I'd rather have her storm in with a trail of aids and be a pushy jerkface - and then Prot argues for a better galaxy (and in doing so - reveals to himself what he really wants with Amra) and we get a greater sense of how this mission has changed the galaxy and we end on the personal note of Prot wanting to start a family with Amra. I hope this helps!!!!!

I'm curious if anyone else here listened to the 11.22 Writing Excuses podcast "Examining Unconscious Biases, with Shannon Hale." I liked that they took the discussion both ways - asking readers to realize that authors may not realize they're lampshading/pigeonholing/writing-completely-undynamic-characters-of-opposite-gender, and also asking authors - even those who write minority and LGBT characters to realize that it is psychologically normal, even deeply honest, for such biases to come up. Of course, you want to be on the look out for them and learn from them, because challenging those biases makes you a better writer - at the same time that reading about characters that are different from you can challenge the perceptions of any reader. I found it very positive and uplifting, etc. Basically we all suck and we're flawed LOL, but that's the juice that makes writing so worthwhile. Anyway, I agree with Mandamom above that non-binary characters shouldn't necessarily limit a book. The Left Hand of Darkness might be my favorite science fiction novel of all time (it's caught in a duel with the Vorkorsigan series), and that's considered mainstream sci fi/fantasy, so why not more?

p. 1 Unless they have a specific purpose I HATE descriptions of food and alcohol in novels (see me burning all of the banal mindnumbing pages of wine description in A DISCOVERY OF WITCHES with evil glee) - so keep that in mind. "Savae giggled." Ew. No. Are they five years old? Or stone drunk? Just say "laughed" so that I still take them seriously. The detail about the fire arch mage and his money keeping him out of the war is fascinating. I like that the woman is the bodyguard in the tall pairing. p. 2 Scene end "Time to shine. Savae pushed off the wall" is a good end-scene note. I'm still quite confused on what the bejeebers is going on. Also, I'm assuming you're going to go back through your beginning chapters and seed in more alternative POVs? If not, this feels very very unbalanced. I'm generally a fan for keeping narrators views as limited (and unreliable) as possible for the deepest connection with the reader but if you're going to hit multiple POVs - you should definitely make sure they're balanced. Is the human Savae? Why do we care about the human? Not sure why we care about the Senator and the red-gowned woman and this sister who's getting married. I'm skimming so far... Yeah, my foodie self is not reacting well to the culinary descriptions. The food is described as light, and then it's loaded with dairy and pastry. If you are going to do the food thing, describing the hors d'oeuvres, I recommend upping the ante away from standard passed wedding appetizer cliches like stuffed mushrooms and pastries. Instead of cordials that taste like flower varieties and orchard fruits, most high society cocktails (especially for men) have savory and bitter components. More to ponder: How is winged Aelin food different than people food? Can they be crazy seed or berry eaters like birds? (What a society prizes the most says a lot about the society, e.g. the finest green tea sells in Beijing as much as a thirty year prized vintage in France - it's the sort of thing rich people fight over in auctions) Is there a taboo against or a huge demand for eating birds and other winged creatures? Is there a special seed or sugar that they're obsessed with? Also, because they're at a temple event, do any of the dishes have religious significance (best example is all the symbolism in a Passover meal). I recommend reading New York Times restaurant reviews. They do a wonderful job of mixing the exotic with mouthwatering, e.g. sweet pimentón sauce over red snapper, sliced geoduck set down on fluffy mousseline... You don't want to overdo it and yet you want the reader to taste the damnation flavors. And you're society is exotic - there are wings! Let your readers delight in some of that differences. This is me pushing you to dig deeper. If you're going to do this much description, you need to make it scintillating. p. 4 Like Kasia, I also like Iluya. p. 5 I don't remember what taenosil are. WRS? p. 6 I am very confused by this society that limits women from basic civil service jobs and then allows them to be bodyguards and wants Lasilla to have a sword on her hip. What are the underlying biases against women that contribute to this? I get that there was a religious explanation after the war, but I'm feeling a mismatch between common attitudes and practice that is confusing. p. I like the note that the scene ends on. I'm intrigued by Senator Melqueth.

Thank you everyone for your brilliant edits! So you've all pretty much confirmed what I was already thinking about this chapter (and consequently the next). Uh, so to explain my latest editing plan.... The next chapter - when Oz goes to try out for Project Null - has gotten universally panned by my beta readers. It's a YA cliche. There's no innovative ideas or plot moments happening but the one crazy thing that happens is that at the end of the obstacle course, Oz is partnered with Dion and they have to fight a Rex.That Rex is Calgary - who was infected during the kitchen fight with the Rex back at the trading post. It's a big emotional moment for Oz (and then Dion is a crappy fighter) so Hayden steps, tases Calgary, and yells at Claire Krieger for making a son fight his father and what kind of test result is it for someone to kill someone they love? Anyway, I really like the CRAZY PERSONAL STAKES of that moment; however, the new plan is: 1. Completely cut Project Null - Oz's "test" in Chapter 3/4 is a Citizen's Test for Aurum and Eleanor wants his help when she goes south 2. Brick to be UNHELPFUL because he doesn't want Oz going into the Turner clinic - where he has limited sensors. 3. Oz goes through the vents to get to the clinic. And then messes with the wiring on the security system to get inside. (Much more active!) 4. He finds Calgary himself.... only to realize that Calgary is not human anymore. 5. Hayden steps in with Dion (Dion has to be there for reasons later in the book) and Hayden discovers that Oz can breathe without a mask. 6. Previously I had the Board being the ones pushing to have Oz go undercover among the Rex, but now it's Hayden that convinces Oz to go - which makes her seem more calculating, as if she's always 10 steps ahead. Anyway, still hashing out the details on this but extremely curious to know everyone's thoughts.

So I liked the mage in this. He's a vibrant character. I thought this had a good flow (though I am suggesting some small cuts) and yeah, I think my quibble with the Amra/Prot relationship is less to do with them wanting to start a family and more how Amra is coming across. I agree with Eagle of the Forest Path on how the tension goes way up as the Colonel checks the crates... and then is automatically diffused. I think it would be better if the Colonel's final message was more guarded - as if he sensed something wrong with the materials, and after this message is passed on to Prot, Prot then has his doctor run tests on them -- and the reader is held in suspense the whole time as opposed to thinking "why is Prot being paranoid - the nice mage said the drugs were good." A few random notes... p. 3 “Are you—?” she started, and I waved the question away. “Just…strange dreams.” The images while I was unconscious unsettled me. Confused here about what Amra is she implying? And where are these strange dreams coming from? I’m even more confused. p. 4 We want to know what is in the crate!!! And this blocking slows down the pace. So I'd cut the following. The offending crate was still in the middle of the cargo section. Bhon and Kamuli had found some heavy wool gloves, one pair for three-fingered Festuour and one for Methiemum, and were able to drag it out farther without numbing their hands. Saart helpfully leaned against the steel plating on the side of the train while the Colonel creaked up the stairs to the rear hatch. With me, Bhon, Kamuli, the majus, and the customs woman darkening the hatch, the cargo space was extremely cramped. There wasn’t even room for Amra to look in, and I heard her give a grunt of frustration from outside. p. 6 This doesn’t really add anything and slow down the pace of the scene. The reader is wholly focused on what the crazy is going on with the medicine. “I can spare five percent, and that’s it,” I preempted, once the others were out of earshot. “More than that and my accountant will injury me greatly.” How many more jobs would we need before we could stop traveling the homeworlds? After this delivery, staying on Methiem was starting to sound better all the time . p. 7 We don’t need a discussion of how the mage gets home. He’s a wily fellow and the subsequent interiority makes Prot less likable to the reader. So I'd end here: “Good luck,” he said. “And be careful.” I can find my own way back.” I wasn’t planning on taking him back to his junkyard anyway. I turned away with a halfhearted wave, calling to get the wagon ready to roll out of the customs yard. We had taken far too long, and I didn’t want to make the delivery at night. And now I had a hunch to follow up. p. 9 I thought about my discovery with the jars. "I’m still confused here. The discovery with the family names. I think you should spell out exactly what the discovery is – it’s still a little confusing." p. 10 Directly connect Bhon’s dialogue to Bhon speaking and then have Amra (logically) react. It’s clearer to the reader: “You know we can hear you.” Amra’s face darkened in a blush as Bhon’s voice floated in the cabin, tinny and remote, and Amra’s face darkened in a blush. I had forgotten to cover the speaking tubes. p. 11 My shoulders relaxed, until I saw she wasn’t finished." - What facial expression does she make that indicates this? Does she pick up a clipboard with her lip sucked in or does she sigh and point at a chart? Something that lets the reader be like “uh oh,” instead of being told we should be thinking “uh oh.”

Big thoughts - so this flows well. I liked the final confrontation with the traveler though I confess to being confused by what IT ALL MEANS. I also think that that his relationship with Magdi seems a bit forced; however I think you can solve this with (1) more information about their past and (2) losing the heavy emotional confessions. What is left unsaid is often as powerful as what is. Otherwise, I think my comments are mostly requests for clarity and the like. p.1 "Fermarald stood on the balcony, but came in on hearing his name." This is a bit awkward. The reader has to figure out that Harth, after seeing Femerald, calls him in. Better just to have Harth see Fermarald and then call to him with some sort of opener, like, “So I’m back with you idiots.” (Okay, maybe you don’t need “the idiots…”) p. 1 This section: "The young man met Harth’s gaze, his features set hard. “When I arrived, an old timer told me the enemy captured the citadel once, but all woke the next day in their proper beds and both sides went to war at dusk again as usual. He’s long gone. They’re all gone and I'm still here.” Fermarald’s words were full of bile. “They attack to get away from this .” Harth could only nod and dismiss him." I find this section a little confusing - especially on the second re-read. I think it might be more interesting if an old timer said that the next day the hoard didn't attack - that they were all gone. Something more ominous. Or maybe cut it since later Harth wonders about it. Otherwise, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to get out of this bit. I get that there’s a pointlessness to their pattern, but I would think that there would be some aspect of the battle that allows a man to move on – but if there’s no battle there’s only a straight walk to hell? p. 2 "He explained a different tactic; predictability led to defeat, if that mattered. He spared a passing thought for the opposing commander." Put this directly into dialogue. Let me feel the effect of Harth’s words on his troops. p. 2 "The enemy attacked as before, a dark mass of bodies hurling itself on them in hot fury, ferocity and relentlessness . They howled and the charged, faster than yesterday, Harth thought – if there were days here." These are vague words that don’t suck me in. Better to talk about them charging despite the hail of Harth’s archers, despite the piling of bodies or maybe some detail about their clothing or face paint or weapons. p. 3 The horde retreated, knowing they were beaten. A few fought on, and fell into the abyss. Harth stood two steps back and watched them fall as ragged cheers rippled through his troops. I’m curious here. Was there a call for retreat? Or did morale collapse with the break in the lines and the enemy makes a break for it, deserter-style? p. 4 "He found that wanted her to continue, but it was not the time, if it ever was here. “What happened to you?”" I had to reread this. I thought something had happened to her in the most recent battle? For the reader’s sake, you might want to clarify, “So how did you end up here?” or “How did you die?” p. 4 ““I deserve your anger. I can’t change what I did. To see someone familiar amidst this strangeness is, reassuring." Is shereally angry? Or just unimpressed? She’s definitely taunting him. But what did he do? I wouldn’t expect him to feel guilty for being one of her customers, though did he do something worse? I'd like some details about their past relationship thrown in here. p. 5 "“I mean, where is everyone else? There must have been thousands dead when the lines broke. I suppose they went straight on their way, but He couldn’t decide on us one way or the other.”" This doesn’t sound like his voice anymore. The “I mean” especially sounds modern and younger. I’d expect him to say something closer to “I wonder about the rest of my soldiers.” p. 5 “So, you’re seeking my forgiveness? Maybe I should wait to see how He decides.” Her lips twitched into a half-smile and Harth returned it. He moved towards her and pulled her into his chest. “I know I'm just a cheap turn to you.” Wait. How does she get this conclusion out of their conversation? It doesn’t flow naturally. I’d expect her to relate to him regarding all of the death and then their mutual situation. She should say something like, “I suppose we’re both sinners” or “I am glad to see you too, you know.” Something that has the two of them connecting. Because when he pulls her to his chest, I was flabbergasted, it felt out of the blue. p. 5 "It doesn’t matter.” How had he lived a life without discovering this feeling? But it would be all too brief, for what were the chances of them moving on together and to the same place? Their relationship feels forced too easily. To avoid this, don’t take us onto a cerebral note. Keep us focused on the sensual side of the companionship. Does her hair have a smell? Is her skin especially soft? Unlike the rest of the sterile, ethereal citadel – does she seem real? p. 5 “Do you believe that we’re all being judged, worthy of heaven or fit only for hell?” she asked. - This question doesn’t fit her voice thus far. I’d expect her to be like “So what’s the point of more battles?” I get that this is pillow talk, but it’s veering too lofty for her social status. I’m assuming she’s uneducated. p. 5 "...Maybe they believe they can avoid hell if they take it. I’ve been in hell for years. I think I’d choose it now stay with you.” Too much of a leap based on what I’ve seen of their relationship. I don’t buy it so fast – unless he’s teasing her affectionately about it. p. 6 There should be some conversation about her going into battle - since it later becomes clear that everyone fights - including her. p. 6 "She turned to face him. “Well, love can’t be wrong at least. Let’s worship life while we can.” - This feels forced for their short interaction. We need more clues about their previous relationship for it to work. p. 6 "Through the dark they went, and out onto the bridge...." This is too much replay. I’d like a comparison to his previous day’s battle strategy. Does the enemy come forward with a formation to counter his previous diamond formation – which Harth expects – and so uses the subtler funnel formation against them? Also, the previous day was so frenzied, is Harth able to notice more details this round? I like how you point out that some fall under blows – but this time does he notice that no blood flows? I’d like Harth to feel more unease despite the frenzy of battle. p. 7 " “You hailed our victory even though Cresca was lost yesterday. Did she mean nothing to you?” - Whoa – this sound very accusatory. Like honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Fermarald punched him for saying something so presumptuous. It’d be much better if Harth’s questions were subtler, e.g. “I’m sorry about Cresca.” Fermarald frowned. “You shouldn’t be.” Then… “You don’t feel her loss?....” p. 8 "The young man stared back blankly. “This place is beyond life and death. We have no future here.” I’d really like to see a crack in his vulnerability here. If he keeps forming these relationships, that seems less like he doesn’t care and more like he’s a glutton for punishment. p. 8 "Harth held her, trying to still his rage. His mind darted back and forth searching for a place to lay blame, but there was none, and it festered in his stomach until, at last, he fell asleep." I have no idea why he’s feeling rage. What did Magdi bring up in him that caused the rage? p. 11 "Harth cast about but spotted no commander. Their middle had crumpled just enough to lure the Hundred forward. His blood ran cold, and this was no ethereal wound" - I’m vaguely understanding that this is a trap but I’m confused about the 100 – who are they again? They weren’t mentioned in the previous day’s battle. p. 12 Harth staid his hand when faced with a crone then a stripling girl who could hardly raise her blade. He pushed them away. His mind wandered to Magdi. Oh, how he wished to be with her now. How was this the way to judge a person’s worth? He cursed and pushed on behind his shield." - I don’t buy his missing Madgi in the middle of a battle. Unless he sees a gutted woman that makes him fear for Magdi. p. 13 " Losing was unthinkable! Magdi would not be able to look at him. He could imagine disgust on the traveller’s face. Had he damned them all? No, he could redeem it! " - Definitely lose the exclamation points. They make him seem silly, but otherwise, why does he think these things? I haven’t felt this kind of self doubt from him before so it really feels out of the blue. p. 14 End the final paragraph on the page with "Now a blade protruded from her side." The subsequent lines over-explain Harth to the reader. Trust the reader! p. 17 I like his back and forth with the Traveller. p. 20 I think we are back in his real life so for extra clarity, name the enemy and the town that is being attacked. There we go - hope this helps!

A shorter chapter. I'm already considering some larger edits on this one (and the previous) - specifically, limiting Brick's reach so that Oz is more active. I'm also considering undoing the previous chapter so that it's not the Board that convinces Oz to go incognito among the Rex but Hayden. I've gotten feedback that it is less than believable that the Board would be the ones to want Oz to go after Eleanor - whereas Hayden has every reason to want to convince him. Anyway, let me know! Curious for everyone's take on the Oz/Pascal interactions.

Congratulations. Go go go! And I've always said I'll do Camp NaNoWriMo and then never do it. I do enjoy doing Nano every November, though - especially if I'm gearing up for a new project. I like to have an outline completely drawn up before hand and then I tend to write 2k for 6/7 days a week. I normally take Fridays off and then occasionally catch up on the weekends.

Oh good. Yeah, I just feel you need to sink a few more hooks into the reader. All very doable, in my opinion, and I'm glad you agree.

With regard to Oz's reactions to the Board being bland - To all of you - and other readers - I feel like this is a problem of me having read this scene 10 too many times. I'm curious what you'd expect his reaction to be (especially when the Board lays out they know his secret) - I feel like I mainly focused on his shock, but I'm thinking that's the wrong emotional beat. Should he argue more? Also, any other specific parts (besides the secret) where you can point me to where you think his reactions are off or on the dull side? Much, much appreciated.

Like Kaisa, I thought this flowed much smoother, and I had a better sense of Harth. I'm still wanting more details about his life and who he is so I included places in my notes below where I specifically found myself wanting more. p. 2 I like the opening line p. 2 the paragraph about the gorse and the tree. So you go gorse – tree – gorse flowers – tree berries. Better I think to describe the hills as being gorse covered (especially since I have no idea what gorse is) – then say they’re not in bloom – and then describe the tree. p. 3 "but he was unarmed" - Maybe tell us what specific weapon that Harth is reaching for – an axe? A sword? p. 3 when the soldier tells him he's in hell, I need a reaction from Harth He just got told he’s in hell! Did he expect this? Does he not believe it? Does he think this is a test? p. 4 when Harth asks "what choice do I have?" I’d like to see more internal conflict here. How much does he hate battle? And how much does he secretly crave it? Does he even think he has the right to leave Hell? Does he consider himself a good man? All of that…. p. 6 once the two of them "walked in silence." You lose me for the paragraph here. I’m way more interested – tension-wise – in his getting to the Citadel and finding out what is going on in this crazy afterlife. p. 6 The imagery gets confusing on the second half of the page. We get this description of an endless bright plain and then suddenly there’s a chasm and mist acting as borders. I think you could make this a little clearer. p. 7 "Here it was, the command that he had always wanted. The irony was bitter. He wanted to laugh, but thought better of it." Need more here! Did he always dream of being a commander? What happened to his last commander? What has stopped Harth from rising in the ranks? Was there a particular incident? He takes this WAY too in stride. I want to feel his pride – the play upon his vanity – and his attempt to quash that feeling – which is what happens here with Harth focusing on the irony, but it’d be better if we felt his desire first. p.7-8 This paragraph and then the first on p. 8... "More questions rose, but Harth quashed them, time for those later, if this really was eternity." I don’t need a flashback per se, but I want something much more specific from his life. Everything here is in general, cerebral terms and it’s distancing. I want to know a specific thing he loved about his homeland. I want a thought on his parents or siblings. What was the reason he became a solider in the first place? These sorts of things. p. 8 "He had told himself he would give it up, settle down with a wife in some quiet village and farm cows, but it was only a dream with which he had deluded himself." I want a specific town. I want an image of him with his son doing something cool – and I want to feel his despair over that never coming to fruition. p. 9 The list of descriptions of all the soldiers beginning with "The young man opposite..." Break this up and apply to characters as we meet them. A sense of the group would be better here since most of these people are “spear carriers” as the Writing Excuses podcast would label them. p. 10 The two paragraphs starting with "The names meant nothing to..." and then "Harth strove..." I need anchors for these people – really, just give me a general sense until you get to Magdi. p. 10-11 - Magdi! What is she wearing? And what is her reaction upon seeing him? I want to feel their mutual disbelief. Did she know he was dead? Because Magdi is suddenly angry and snappish with him – I need a bit more information as to how she gets there. Is he surprised at her reaction? p. 14 "The sound of rattling armour..." Harth is a new commander. There has to be a great deal of curiosity about him, and Harth, even with all his experience, has to be wrestling with a certain amount of anxiety about suddenly getting what he always wanted – the lead command of a battle. I’d like some of that interiority here. p. 14 "This one does,": snapped Harth. "Take your place." I like this exchange. It makes me like Harth, which begs the question, what does Harth think of the last commander? Less of him? And how does that mesh with the last commander “moving on.” p. 15 "The bridge was massively wide, at least fifty yards" - Previously when he observed the bridge in the valley – he said it was almost 100 yards. So bravo. I hope these help. I'm finally caught up on the forums! /wipes brow

I think this chapter works well. My preference would be to cut the clothing scene down by 25%, but I think you have good elements there. I enjoyed the back and forth with Eshrin though. p. 1 the back and forth with Nalira over the use of deferential confused me a bit at first. What was the deferential that Lasila used? My first instinct when Lasila asks her name was to say "always cut small talk and introductions in stories!" but I think here it has a purpose so you might lose the dialogue about where to try on the clothes - that is a boring detail - and clearly focus on the issue of titles. The two details mixed together was distracting. Also, the reader assumes Lasila is going to guide Nalira to the room with a mirror. That being said, the title thing is good - it ups the anxiety and tension. p. 2 I wanted to skim the discussion of the comfort level of the corset. It's very overdone in regency and pretty much any book where corsets exist. There's a slight sensuality with the talk of her fitting into the cups, so you might just leave that detail and then go right to the dress. p. 2 Things get more interesting when Nalira informs Lasila that her dress is magical and should she want to get up to any frisky business... it will button itself back up. My one comment here is that I would almost like you to expand on this. I'm very curious about sexual mores in this society. Especially considering this an event at a temple. And this might be a good opportunity to bring them up. p. 2 "Lasila stepped into the dress..." You lose me again in this paragraph. It's a lot of blocking and generic detail. p. 2 "Updo" is a very modern word that pulled me out of the story. I'd just cut this clause - the rest of your description does a better job of describing her hairstyle. p. 3 "Shoes could wait..." Lost me again. I don't care about shoes and handbag. p. 3. You have the habit of saying something generically then describing it more specifically in the next line. (I also do this.) For example in the two paragraphs below you repeat that she's reading in two different ways and that she's waiting in multiple different ways. Better to get right to the good details: Nalira took her leave after that, leaving Lasila to wait alone in the silent house. She took up one of the books Varinen left behind, hoping for some guide to meditation rather than sword-poetry. Something that might steady her nerves, perhaps. Instead, she found herself holding Lasila took up/distracted herself with a collection of short plays. Odd; she'd never known her brother to be much for theatre. There was probably a lot she didn't know about him, to be fair. Either way, it was something to do while she waited. The first play in the book wasn't very good, all told; maybe it held up better on the stage. [...] p. 4 her exchange with Eshrin really speed up the pace. good. p. 4 missing word "the [] danged from her fingers" p. 4 I like it when she thinks "the area where she lived was fine.' p. 4 I find it very amusing that you put Ehrin in guyliner. It's making me take him less seriously but maybe that's okay. p. 5 regarding the seamstress, Eshrin says "We wouldn't want her to do that would we?" and I have no idea what he's talking about. p. 6 The tension started to slow here a bit. You might cut the following (suggestions of course) "You do enjoy when people make embarrassing admissions, don't you, Master Linphori?" said Lasila. Unbidden, the corner of her mouth rose. "Of course I am. I suppose you must not be. This must be dreadfully old hat for you." Lasila didn't miss how Eshrin structured the formal token apology to absolve himself of any potential wrongdoing. Not that there was any; it was strictly a formality, of course. But there was a message there, beyond just informing her that there would, in fact, be food. Among other things. The condescension was a red herring, of course. She could have taken offense at how boldly he said it to her, but there would be no gain. Well, she had been promised an escort who didn't talk much about swords. Varinen hadn't exactly committed to providing her anything else beyond that. And he hadn't even mentioned swords once so far. Eshrin had just turned out to be an chull, was all. If she ever saw Varinen alive again, she'd need to give him a piece of her mind. That she'd want an escort who wasn't an chull should have been implied, after all. Pah. This would have to be addressed before that, even. She'd have to make it the subject of her first letter to him. So I'm VERY curious for the temple event. I think this flows well - I just think it could flow even better.

Welcome to the group! Like Robinski, I thought that context is the main thing missing from this piece. Honestly, I was confused through most of it. I was wondering who took the first step? And from there I didn't understand why the pillars were significant except as some kind of metaphorical symbol. Is this a portal being opened for him to step through? So then the poem is cool. So my interest is engaged again when we get to the statues of the gods in the temple. I liked how Death notices the lover staring at the reaper. I was hoping something was going to grow out of that. A memory of a lost love? But then Death kills the man. I don't understand why. Background to the ritual would be good, especially if this execution is actually Telyan setting up bait to lure in Death. When Teylan calls him Cael - I think it might good for death to have a reaction. Is it an ancient name? Was he once human? On the last page, I'm very curious about accusation that Death is the "gallant hero." Does this tie into the lover and reaper statues? Teylan calling him Cael? The imagery of dark and light is okay but I was craving something more concrete. Like Formless Fox, I was also getting Wheel of Time vibes.

p. 1 "Laurea needed any victory" doesn't seem quite right. I get what you're sort of going for. She needs to land on her feet after an unsettling day, but the word choice is awkward. p. 1 Starting here... "By tradition and common sense, each..." My eyes started to cross with trying to make sense of the description. I started reading again at... "The doorway Laurea reached after a short minute’s walk clearly marked it as the thirtieth storey entrance to the western stairwell." Lost me again until... p. 2 "On a new quaestor’s salary, and having no extensive family funds to draw upon - most of them going towards her sister’s education - Laurea’s new home was located in a less than prestigious area of the spire." So this paragraph was good. p. 3 Then... you lose me for the entirety of the next paragraph until the door opens. Then I'm interested again. p. 3 I think a lot of preserving Laurea's likability is keeping her reactions more measured. For example, calling her "an old bag" after all the other negative description just reaches the point of overkill. I felt you were good before that. Her rubbish? Was that the way this old crab spoke of her tenants? Because that rude hag - Laurea realized - had to be her new landlady, which put her in a very uncomfortable position. Her desire at that moment was to chop this witch into chum - verbally, at least - but the mean cast of her eye told Laurea clearly that she held her grudges tight and hard. A landlady can make life pure misery for any tenant she dislikes and for some time yet Laurea wouldn’t have the means to find other lodgings. With a great effort she swallowed the tirade she longed to throw at this old bag. Then on p. 5 "delinquent dockhands" makes her sound really classist. It's really hard to like someone who hates poor people. Better to just say that "no one had cracked open and messed with her stuff" (in your words, though, of course) p. 5 I also felt this paragraph took her reaction too far. I really enjoy Laurea's ambition and determination and how calculated she can be. I think you want to preserve that and avoid her seeming too immature. Anyway consider chopping this: By then Laurea was biting down on her tongue in an effort to prevent herself from biting her landlady - an impulse which was becoming less and less figurative - and it took a moment before she realized that a response was required at this point. p. 6 You lose me from "Her quick inspection of the premises completed..." through the next paragraph. p. 6 When I reached, "Simple labour and idle thoughts left her mind mostly free" I was happily reading again - she's back on the quest! p. 7 the information about the dhe is a bit of an info dump. If she could investigate at all - even simply by asking the awful landlady - that would be great. Also, I think I'd enjoy the landlady's response... LOL. It obviously doesn't have to be the land lady, just always better to show than tell. p. 7 "carapace" is overused considering how specific the word is End of p. 7 You lose me from "Most Dhé were summoned by a Dhéonomist..." to the end of the next paragraph "usually the patron was one of the first things to be abandoned once a family could no longer afford an estate on the heights." You have my attention back when the paragraph starts, "From the chair..." p. 8 Hrm. Probitus is a bit of a let down here. Instead of severe, flamboyant, possibly pompous, and genius detective, he's coming across as very whiny. In my opinion, we're too inside his head. You need an antagonist for him to react to. I think the solution would be to have the scene start with him arguing with a superior officer about his assignment as Laurea's mentor. Also, I think he could use some more sympathy. How has leg injury affected him? What happened the last time he took on a mentor? Did they die? Is there some power struggle among his colleagues? Right now his reasons for being cruel to Laurea are insufficient in the context of the fame that he has built for himself; however, I think this is all very fixable. So I liked this chapter less than the previous two - the tension plummeted - but I feel like you have loads to work with. Once you take out the unnecessary description (I know, stabbing babies), I think you'll give yourself the room you need to amp up the building mystery you've got going on.

p. 1 The first sentence is very wordy. I had to reread. A suggestion to cut it down? You can probably come up with something better... Laurea normally never thought about it, but when seeing one from a distance it was undeniable that the distant city-spires rising out of the world-ocean of Thalas were an impressive sight. p. 1 you immediately state the character's goal - that's excellent p. 1 more specifically, she's after a specific mentor - some stakes. good. good. p. 2 "Or much cared." - this bit of phrase completely through me out of the scene - if she doesn't care, it means that the whole description is outside of POV and a big info dump - more interesting would be for her to not like it for some specific reason. p. 2 This sentence is a hot mess with some parallel structure issues. I had to reread. The first sight Laurea had had of Celsitudum had been just passed dawn, right after a light breakfast, the slanting sunlight turning the stones a shining gold. You might change to: Laurea woke before dawn, ate a light breakfast, and walked outside to a view of the the Celsitudum, the slanting sunlight turning the stones a shining gold. p. 2 This next sentence is also wordy: Now it was mid-morning and Suscepta pulled into the dock, sliding along a pier and lightly bumping against the bulky bags of dried seaweed that kept ships from damaging themselves as well as the pier before coming to a complete stop. p. 2 The paragraph that begins with "The captain went aspire and announced to the dockmaster that his ship was the Suscepta" was slow and started to lose my attention - I'm not sure you need all of this detail. p. 2 "Altogether it had only taken ten minutes, but Laurea considered that time as an inexcusable loss." I said before that I liked the clear goal but now I feel this is overstating it and not trusting the reader. p. 3-4 I felt similarly to Robinski. Their conversation doesn't draw me, especially this line: "She simply stared at him in befuddled amusement." ... which is telling not showing, but then you follow up with "She’d scared off any number of unwanted suitors with her cold attitude, this was the first time it didn’t seem to be having any effect." And befuddled amusement isn't a cold attitude at all. It's more like the cocky girl leading the guy on. If she snaps at him or silences him with a glare - that would be more along the lines of what I think you're going for. p. 4-6 I don't care about Atramancy because I have no reason to. I want her to get to the spire! Better to include this information later in the story when its directly relevant and the reader is eager for the info. p. 7 "exceptionally beautiful women" is a lazy description - what about her is beautiful? p. 7 “Greetings, Praefect!” This read as shrill and overexcited - not formal. I had to reread your subsequent description and I think you meant for it to be somewhat military? Etiher way, lose the exclamation point. p. 9 "The desk’s occupant was an elderly man dressed in a toga. Even glossing over the impracticality to the traditional genteel clothing, impeccably styled silver hair and the multiple - in Laurea’s opinion rather tacky - rings that were currently in fashion on his fingers gave the man an air of foppishness." Can you break up this description? Nothing is bad but it's too long and wordy. I had to reread. p. 9 I'm intrigued by the fact that this dandy is Probitus and that he's not at all what she expected. p. 12 I like that the case Probitus assigns her ties back to the prologue. Good chapter overall. I am very intrigued by Laurea's ambition and this unsolvable mystery she's been assigned and therefore eager to know what happens next. My main complaint would be the chatter between her and Janus - as a reader (and not an editor) I would have set the book down or skimmed right past. I don't think you need to cut the whole scene, just trim quite a bit.

p. 1 good first paragraphs - lots of intriguing questions raised without being unclear p. 1 "the still smoking torch sitting in a bracket outside indicated he was not alone" - this made me think he should be looking over his shoulder - but then as I read on I realized that it indicated that someone was already inside - and so he is going to have to wait. I'd just try to clarify that. p. 2 "clever enough to know that this was all make-believe." Are you trying to make him pompous? Better to show us he's clever unless you're trying to make him braggy. p. 3 "If an appellant was concerned about revealing their identity..." This sentence was a little clunky to me, I had to reread it. p. 4 I'm enjoying this revenge moment and am VERY curious about why he's paying all this money for vengeance. p. 4 I also found the first scene break to be out of place and unnecessary. p. 5 "He was awestruck;" Always better to show (which you mostly do) than tell us. p. 5 I really like the way you describe the paper moving about and how this is the manifestation of Sen Hamellus. A good prologue - I'm very intrigue with a good balance of information and questions that I really want answered.

Good pacing. I really liked Rakella's hardcore fighting skills with magic later in the chapter. You're definitely plowing us straight ahead with plot which is good. My only big comment is that you could add in more sensory detail and show us more facial expressions, etc., so that we have a better sense of the characters' internal struggle. p. 23 "makes my stomach crawl" - I associate a stomach crawling with fear or anxiety - but I think what you're really going for her is flat out disgust - so I might say "makes my stomach clench" or "I have to jerk away" or "I want to plug my nostrils" - something that more clearly show us disgust. p.25 I'd like a little more description on how the stones affect him. Are they cold or hot or do they send a frisson of energy up his arm or are they draining - do they call upon any of his sense? That sort of thing. The way magic affects us is one of my favorite story aspects in fantasy - so I'm going to encourage you in this. p. 26 I would like stronger descriptions of the Chieftess and giant in copper armor. Late, I think when you say the "blond mountain" you are describing the giant - but he'd never been described as having light colored hair so I wasn't certain. p. 26-27 I didn't get a sense of the Chieftess's growing anger and offense during the conversation - I'd like her facial expression to give the reader more clues. Maybe some false smiles. Maybe her giant steps forward at her side, but this time she doesn't call him back. Her tone could change, dropping in tenor or even sharpening to a hiss, etc. p. 27 "hexagonal buildings" is getting a bit overused as a descriptor. You could use others, such as cookie cutter, geometric, or patterned, etc. p. 28 "Smoke, honey and rimeberries..." This paragraph had so much blocking that it read as very choppy. If you could break it up with more sensory detail and descriptions that would help, I think. p. 30 When Rakella shows up outside the tavern, it feels out of the blue. Even saying "as planned." I was wondering whether it was coincidence or she followed him or it was an appointment. p. 31 Have we heard of the Never-ending Horn free House? It's not self explanatory...? p. 32 When the attacker takes a hit from Kang - it doesn't seem to make much sense that he would try "to stem his bleeding in the nose." If someone punched me in the face, a little blood would be the least of my concern - I'd either be fighting or in full flight. p. 35 I do not remember what the conclave was? Is it the jail? Or a court house or temple? Just a little reminder would be good here. I hope that helps. I'm eager to find out how the story ends.

This is true, but goldfish are terribly boring, so...